Debating The Worst Christmas Traditions

Security program on spreadsheets. New regulations piling up. An audit dread. It's time for Vanta . Vanta automates security and compliance, brings evidence into one place and cuts audit prep by 82%. Less manual work, clearer visibility, faster deals, zero chaos. Call it compliance or call it comp liance. Get it? Join the 15,000 companies using Vanta to prove trust. Get started at vanta.com slash calm. I fucking hate Christmas. So you apparently love it. Yeah, I'm all right about it, yeah, I don't mind it. Fucking elf. One thing we did want it to say. You might as well have been an elf, mate. He's his movie quality more, mine's sort of fake taxi quality. Half the room got the reference. What did you say your occupation is? Professional disabled . I've turned these little buggers and this bastard into a career. He's done with disability what you've done with the traitors. Milk it. Hello. Welcome to my office. This is Joe Marler. We'll see you now with me, Doctor. Jamala . This is the show where I take a torch into the minds of Britain's favourite celebrities, shine a light around, and see if I can help them find their way. With me as always is my trusty research assistant, Jake. Jake, why am I talking like this? Joe and Jake are coming. Joe and Jake are coming. Joe and Jake are coming. Joe and Jake coming. Joe and Jake and Cummin. Joe and Jake are coming, Joe and Jake are coming, and I'm always doing podcasts. Whoa! Christmas, motherfucker. Sorry, I don't know where that came from. I've never said motherfucker ever. It's Christmas, brot her. Wow. It is not Christmas, it's fucking March. Slash, depending on when this goes out, April! It's fucking April! Contingency plan, it's fucking May. It's fucking May. It's uh I think we can all one thing we can all agree on, it is spring. Um it really is, and I mean that, I do. But um sometimes you need to go to extreme lengths to help our patients And this this guy is obsessed with Christmas. So I think what we want to do is just hammer it home, put him face to face with the reality of the kitchness of a kiss Christmas in the middle of spring and see how he deals with it. Why are you dressed as Santa ? I thought I was Santa. You are Santa. Yeah. Okay . Yeah, and obviously, you know, you have the voice. And the rotundness. Yeah. Yes. You were meant to be the fucking elf. I thought you were gonna be the elf. And I did think to myself, that's weird that you're gonna be the elf. Why would I be the elf? I don't know. That's what I thought it'd be weird if you would be the elf. Unless you you got confused that we were doing the film elf. And wh in which you'd be main character. I would be the human, wouldn't I? Yeah. I would be sued to be. I've just I've just walked what was it out the out the back of the office. Well if you got could maybe take it off if what have you got underneath? No, you 've got nothing underneath. Oh fuck, put it back on now. Wait, are you wearing something underneath? Of course. I need something to like sop it out. I've gone fully nude underneath this this I think it's Janet's ex-h ex-husband's. Oh my god. I'm wearing Jan I'm naked in Janet's. He died in that . I'm w he died in this. Yeah. Janet's ex-husband died in this and then I'm wearing it. Has it been washed? Does she know you've got that? Well, if she was the one who said, oh, pop this on, it'd be fine. What? She said she said she had a lot of good times in this. But if he was where oh. That's the point. Okay, so we we got we we've cocked up on who's met. We haven't got an elf, have we? We've got to be having a f I will I will always be your elf though whenever you need anything elf like being done. For example, um I was a bit elfish earlier and I've done I've done the uh done the officer. As you can see, your lovely skeleton, he's got a lovely um hat on. We've got the lovely Christmas tree. And who's on the top of the Christmas tree? My call bo y . There's a tree I can see. It can only mean one thing, it's Christmas time for the world to see. Just Christmas time for you, for me. And me. Margarelet, B Baawley's knocking it back. We've got tinsel, we've got lights. Honestly, it looks beautiful in here. It's gonna be an absolute sort of attack to the senses for our patient when they come in. Do you like Christmas then? No. Why? Worst time of the year. Worst? Yeah, like what You've got a movie quality Santas outfit on and you don't like Christmas. No. Why have you got that then? 'Cause we've got four kids. Okay. Can't poison them that early, can I? God. Do you know what I mean? I've I can't be I'm I I'm a piece of shit, but I'm not that big a piece of sh shitit do you know what I mean it's like I put a lot of effort into Christmas for them. Oh that's beautiful because I love them. Oh so you really don't see you're really going above and beyond as a doctor for the sake of your patient today, which I think is amazing. Well, that's what that's what we're here to do, isn't it? Who we got? You may know him from a long-running late-night comedy show. You may know him from being a hero of soccer aid. Oh , you may know him from generally just being a very funny bloke. Okay, let it hasn't bit more I thought the next clue would have been. I know I know I should have nailed it there. Should maybe start with that one. It is Alex Brooker. Huge. Yeah. You've met him before. Yeah, got a lot- I did lie a lot last leg with him. Yeah? Do you like him? Do you get on? Yeah. You did you've met him before, have you? Well, do you know what? Before you were my boss, he was my b boss. I'm not youross. You are my boss. No, there's no there's no hierarchy here. Then why do I ask you if I can go to the toilet or not? Okay, there's a small hierarchy here. Yeah, yeah. Do you need to go now? No, I'm alright now. Okay. But what is weird is it in no other workplace I' haveve ever had to ask that. Okay, fine. Alex Brooker is in the doctor's waiting room with Janet. Should we let him in? Yeah, I I think so. Hello, Janet. Merry Christmas Yeah, did you get my card? What about the mince pie left in your drawer? Good, good. Okay. Um can you bring uh Alex Brooker in, please? Thank you. Bye-bye . Alex a broker, everybody! Oh look at this! Hello ! Oh! Look at this is Usually I would get up and say hello, but you've been a naughty little boy, haven't you? This is wonderful. Yes. Christmas. Welcome. Love it. Welcome to my grotto. Thank you very much. Um I think Janet might be a bit hungover. She's out over bottle of Lucaside, just thought I don't like to be a grass. Okay, I'll I will make note of that. Thank you. No worries. Look at this, you got everyone. This is a great outfit. They level oh, look at those. This is movie quality. It is mo Jake's not Yes, this is a system. Mine's not movie quality. You might as well have been an elf, mate. He's in movie quality. Mine's more sort of fake taxi quality. Sort of uh the different levels we've got there . Half the room got the reference. Disgusting. Yeah. But yeah, he's a lot of high production value. But I will say though, we would never have dressed up in such hot costumes in the middle of spring if it wasn't someone that we adore as much as we adore. Thank you very much. Didn't just dress up for Whiticum, did you? No, for 90s people. You weren't there rolling that fast. They're all cancelled. No . So Alex. Yes. Are you gonna do divorce? I don't think I can. Please divorce go. Oh, look, you got such depth. Great Santa. Anyway, uh are you? Very good. Good. I'm very I loving this. I like the I like warm white as well. Warm white's a good a good uh colour scheme. I sort of thought you you you might ask why we've gone to this effort to make it Christmassy, but actually you've just thought I'm I'm at home, I'll shut Christmas lights straight away. Yeah, I just yeah, I don't to me this doesn't feel out of the ordinary. I don't know why. If it didn't have this, should we should we should probably explain why we've gone to this effort. Uh I fucking hate Christmas. So for me to be sat here in a movie quality Christmas app and have all this done to my office has basically been forced upon me. Oh, okay. All because you apparently love it. You're obsessed with Christmas. Yeah, I'm all right about it, yeah, I don't mind it. Fucking hell. So one thing we didn't just say. No, I love it. I absolutely I I do. And appreciate the fact that you've done that for me though. Yes. Well, we've done it with something in mind. Okay. Because we're thinking, and we we might delve into it more, well, we will delve into it more. Um potentially we want to borrow some ideas from exposure th erapy to maybe try come face to face with what what makes you so obsessed with Christmas. Now, exposure therapy is something I do know a lot about actually. Okay . I first started smoking when I was 12. Okay. Uh I got a packet ofden Gol Virginia. Yeah. And then we were like, okay, what do we do with these? And then I was like, oh, I've seen them roll them up and stuff. But we couldn't find any papers. But we did have juicy fruits. You remember when they were the long sticks of truca? Yeah. So we got juicy fruit wrappers, the yellow bit, and wrap that up, and then we're just smoking that away. Yeah. Um, and then my dad found out and he was like, right, you smoke, do you? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And what? So my dad exposed me. Okay. Oh like that sort of thing where it's like go and smoke. Yeah, he said smoke 20 of these, yeah. All at once. So you're exposing to me as like you and Jake, like dressed as Santa, to make me not like Santa, but so far I bloody love it even more. I don't want to put down the therapy, but this is just making me even more excited for Christmas. It's March. It's just to make you a little bit more balanced. Yeah, okay. Now uh the first thing we ask every guest, client or patient uh to do is take part in an intake questionnaire. I can't hold this post for much longer, so yeah, let's go for it. Sure. Give me the questions. Full full name. Alexander James Brooker. Star sign. Taurus. Really? Yeah. Like the ball. Yeah, I think that's got like the fat head. What do you say your occupation is? Uh professional disabled . I've turned these little buggers and this bastard into a career. So that is, I'd say that makes me a professional one of us. He's done with disability what you've done with the traitors milk it 's a weird on it like Julie I've been known as medic so I was I becoming to tell you I was a I was a journalist uh and then like comedian, I also work in comedy, but I've never done a tour. So I don't really think you can call yourself out. So is it like presenter? Is that what you call it about sounds crap? That's generic. I don't think that's true. Just because you've never toured, that doesn't mean you're not a comedian. You make people you make people laugh every week on the Thank you. That's every week. Thank you, man. Now Alex. Okay . Tell me something that you've done that might get you on my naughty list. My dad had a football that was signed by Gordon Banks, who's the England goalkeeper. Goalkeeper, yeah. 1966. Very famous, probably great, one of the greatest ever goalkeepers. And I remember taking it out of a cabinet because me and my mates had lost our football and it was signed by them and playing with it on the street and scuffing it all up and then just putting it back and still to this day now , uh it always, because I didn't really I wasn't even really that into football when I nicked it either. And now I'm like, mmm , that was out of order. Because now I've got memorabilia of my own. I always think, oh, if my kids nick my my iron that's signed by Marv from Home Alone and started playing dress up with it and I'd wipe the signature off it, I'd be livid. You've got what from Home Alone? So I've got an iron that's signed by Daniel Stone, who played Marv in Home Al one. I got him to sign it. I met him, did a show with him, interviewed him for this Sky Show about four years ago. And I wanted him to sign something. So obviously he gets it in the head with the iron, so I got him to sign the iron , but the producer sprayed it with like hairspray to like make sure it didn't we wrapped it in cling film. It's still in the Kling Film like in my house. Have you got a Ghostbusters pack as well? Yeah I've got Ghostbusters backpack. Yeah. Yeah. Well hang on what the works. Well, it doesn't fire exact lasers out, but it's if you do it, so it's got like a inside the smoke uh thing of it, it's a vape in there, like a vape thing that it smells of marshmallow. How long is your list of obsessions? Christmas, Ghostbusters, Boy bands, boy bands, football, football, home alone. Wow. Like that comes under Does that come under Christmas or is it an offshoot? That's a good point actually. We had your mate Josh Whitakom in Yeah, he's another one of my obsessions. Um and I asked him when was the last time he cried. Yeah. Um and I'll ask you the same. When was the last time you cr cried?ied Oh no, I the other week, uh cried about two weeks ago. Um I was at Arsenal, and I don't know if you sort of like Max Dowman was like he scored the winning goal against seven and thought we were gonna mess it up. And it was such an emotional moment not because he's like 16 but I just got it just overwhelmed me so I got I'd like genuinely I had tears in my eyes but I cried everything. I've cried at episodes of Bluey there's an episode of Bluey called Sleepy Time. Sorry, Alex. What are you laughing at? Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Fuck you. Do you know what sometimes I forget I'm not watching TV and that I'm in the room. I'm really sorry. Yeah? I'm really sorry. Do you know how do you know how powerful Bluey can be, mate? How power ful? Well, powerful enough to make a man cry. Yeah, fair enough. Especially an episode that's got no speech or sound in. Well, you've seen that one with the happening in the episode. Yes. And the fix it and they're just beautiful single words. You know the episode Sleepy Time? So it's when uh Bingo goes into goes into the bed on her own for the first time. Yeah. And it plays the mu it's like uh I can't remember what the it's like the planets, the mu I can't remember, it's like she's like in them having a dream and she's going towards Earth and it's her first night in her own bed. Oh I'm gonna tear up. That gets me. I cry all the time. I think it's good though. I I like I cry very as you can see a real range of things. Yeah. But would you cry on it? It would be nice if you would cry on ours. No, I'd never cry in front of you. Right. 100%. I I couldn't think of anything worse than like you being the thing that I look at. I can't do anything better. Okay, Alex. Let's begin with finding out where this obsession for Christmas came from. Oh ! Oh my gosh Whoa good ness . Alex Brooker . We forgot. Oh there he goes again. Someone's pressed play on the thunder twice in a row. Look at that. Alright. New Picky Blinded movies out. Going to a Netflix nay you. So we forgot to mention, right, that as part of this journey to wean you off of Christmas, you're gonna be visited by three ghosts, all played by Ryan. Alright, Ryan. So we're gonna do like the opposite of what happened to Scrooge on that fateful day in Dekkensian Vic do Dickensian Br itain. Oh I'm so this is the Ghost of Christmas past . Didn't do the thunder that time, that's fine. The ghost of Christmas past and he's got a present for you. Oh thank you . Can I what could it where could he be taking you back to? Thank you, Ryan. Cheers. No, no. Ghost of Christmas Pass. Sorry, thank you, Ghost of Christmas Past. Begone, Ghost! I was just looking at those changes, guys, and I'll get out of them in a second. Straight out of them. Straight out. No problems. Straight out. Peace Christmas. Anyway. Right, so where did the love begin? Like what are some of your happiest memories of Christmas growing up. Josh Woodicom has always said, as long as he's known me, that one day I'm gonna find out that something really bad happened to me. Oh my gosh. And it's like, it's the sort of thing you go. Like, I know that's not when like my foot was amputated or anything like that. That's not. Yeah. No, you know, it's not, I don't know. I think my mum like Christmas was always big in in our house and my mum was like big into the decorating. So like right from a young age, it was uh yeah, she was like bang into it. Um and I probably think that's where that's where I I get it from is just all of the yeah. We had everything. You know, remember those like kind of those leary kind of decorations that hang from the ceiling. Yeah. The like the the kind of foil ones, flammable as fuck. Yeah. But it was like that sort of th those memories of that and the lights and multicoloured lights and all that. That's I suppose that's that must be where it comes from because I've always I've always loved Christmas and even like when I went to my fit like went to uni, I was like, right, let's decorate the flat that's like, you know, and when I've got my own places, I've always been like, let's go big on decor ations. Like, so yeah. What about bad Christmases? Ever had a bad Christmas? Yeah. I had a few, yeah. Oh. We got so because I've I've got I've got uh five brothers. My my brother Ashley is like 11 months younger than me. So me and me and Ashley used to get the same sort of presents. Uh so uh so we didn't argue, so we did get game boys at the same time, but generally it was on Christmas, where we both got keyboards. Right. And uh which is obviously look with the best will in the world, uh amani he he had the full complement of of digits, he was getting more out of than me. So on gr I remember Christmas Day I was setting him up and like he was like trying to follow like the little music book uh and then I just kept pressing the demo and it kept I'll never forget the song that the demo played was Wake Me Up Before You Go Go Which is Jaunty not very Christmassy but I just used to pretend and that was like what a waste of a fucking present but uh but yeah you've you've grown past that annoyance like if someone was to buy that gift for you again or Santa was to re-gift you that again. You've obviously grown a lot in terms of reactions to that, haven't you? Yeah, yeah, of course. Sure. Would you like to open your uh thank you very much. brought oh ah ah oh wow right where's the demo button? Thoughts. What what are your thoughts on it so far? Just from uh different from it's very triggering. Oh right, okay. Actually, I might bloody cry. Get get another couple of mil views. If it gets if it gets less and widaker, I might be livid. There you go . That's the only thing I ever knew how to I ever knew how to play . There you go. Mind if I give it away. Got it . Now uh I know you mentioned earlier, actually, obsession with different things, Ghostbusters. Yeah. Gordon Banks' hands. All that lot. Anyone's bloody hands, right? Yes. Fuck me. I love it. Really, really excellent. But you also mentioned boy bands. Yes. Oh my god, can you play boy bands? Yes, I am talking about boy bands. Okay. One boy band in particular. Go on. Synonymous with Christmas . Oh are you gonna play Stan of Day? Ready? Oh my god. You can pretend to play it, Joe I mean This is literally this is like a fla this is Right so for the This is like if we did a film of my life, this is genuinely what I was like. He's like it's like a really funny. For the audio listener, the ban was right that we're gonna have the keyboard and Joe was gonna learn how to play sp say another day. Producer Tom taught him how to do it. It's three notes done in the all in a different order. Three notes. We spent some time teaching it to Joe. He said you just fucking you just record it and we'll press press play and I'll pretend to do it. We've got to the moment he's unwrapped the present. We've had a fucking ghost come in, all leading to this moment for you to press play and pretend to play the keyboard. You press play, just star ined him. He's looked him in the eye, gorgeously. Hands don't even close the keyboard. No illusion that you're playing at all. You just press play. He's a man after my own heart though, that's all I did. I love it. What were we achieving? That was Christmas past. Yes. Let's move on to Christmas. Present. Present. Oh my gosh! Another ghost . Oh wow. Same hat, different ghost. Oh , Not a stuff. Look at this. It's the Ghost of Christmas present. How can you tell it's Christmas present? Because it's got this season's Arsenal shirt on. This season's Arsenal shirt on. Yeah. So this is the Ghost of Christmas present. And he is gonna , and we're now gonna try and help you face how your current phase of life is being affected by this obsession with Christmas. And we've got another present for you. Thank you very much. Wow. Give it up for the ghost Christmas present, everybody. Cheers . Cheers, mate. Thank you, Ghost. Be gone. Very good. Be gone! Begone . Now, everyone is very particular about how they do Christmas. Yeah. Uh talk me through your perfect Christmas day. Are you up at the crack of dawn? Do you know what I'm not the our doors they don't get up too early. They don't get up we watch uh we we do the presents early doors, have a little bit of bucks fizz, still still enjoy that. I've moved on from the pre-mixed to uh make it myself. And for the audio listener, he winked at me at pre-wix pre-mixed. What about the night before? Night before. Are you gonna go do the mass? No. You don't do any of the mass? No, I don't go to mass. Pub? Do you have a pub night before? Yeah, I I have been uh yeah last few years ago in the early afternoon, just have a couple. Yeah. I missed a few years ago I had a few too many down down there and uh yeah, it was it was cr pretty uh pretty drunk by the evening and you got family around it, so it just not good. Also you don't want to be hung over Christmas Day. When I was uh younger, we used to go out big. Christmas Eve was massive. Yeah. Like when I was probably like 18, 19, massive night. Loved I loved Christmas. They were some of the best nights. Christmas Events. When you go in when you go out and like they play Christmas music, there's nothing better. I went to uh Bruges to see Arsenal just before Christmas. In France. And he it was getting a little bit leery in this bar and I said around to Gaza, I was like, I promise you now mate, if you play all I want for Christmas, this place is gonna go off. And you had like people just going, oh sonal, oh sonal, and it's like it's a bit much. And then all of a sudden you just hear the d dinging ding d ing and everyone's like, and I was like, fucking told you, didn't I? Told you. Told you. You mentioned the last leg. I had the pleasure of joining you last year's New Year's. New Year's. So the festive period was still underway. Do you count that? You do still count as the festive period. Also, because yeah. Obviously someone showed up a pre-record, didn't we? So it's the give it away. That's fine, mate. Um but you've been doing last leg for how long now? Fift fifteenen ye.ars? F Fififteteen yeah. Uh no, uh 14 years this year. Fourteen. Fucking hell. Fourteen years in September or August, yeah. That is wild, is it? Yeah it is. Like what would your younger self have said about the career that you've now had. And I know we joked at the start in the intake questionnaire and you go, professional disability sports journal, all this like for you. Yeah. But you've had a mega career for the last fucking 14 years. I've had a tou ch. It is gen I've uh I have my mate said to me a little while ago, he said generally, when we're at university, if you'd have said to me, what are all what's all Brooker's dream? What's he what's his dreams? And it'd be like meet meet the ghost busters and I met them. It's like meet Terry Henry and I'm I've met and like he follows me on Instagram. It's like go to the home alone house and I've got to do that for work. And like obviously things like soccer aid and like I have had the biggest, like I've managed to kind of manufacture, like getting to do all these like different I've got done so many things that I love doing. But obviously that's all come from doing the last thing. You've got in mind, I was given a nine-day contract and I was meant to be behind camera, so I was meant to be a reporter, so I wasn't even meant to be seen on camera, and then they just put me on the first last leg to show that I was going to be the reporter who'd be out and about later on in the week. So I was on with Hills the first part of the very first last leg at the Paralympics in 2012. Then I come off, and then Josh comes on . And then the next day they called me in and they were like, You're not gonna be the football reporter anymore, we want you to do And I was like, well, what am I meant to do on there? No, like, just sit there every night. But before the last leg, did you obviously you were a reporter, but did you think about being a comedian? Did you think about that being a TV presenter? Did you think about any of that? I didn't think about any of it. You've got in mind , uh, when I mean I did a television journalism module as part of my journalism degree, and I remember the assessment because said that my voice was too common for broadcast. What? Yeah. I remember I was like, oh yeah. Um that was a scouser that said that as well, which is like, I'm love I love I love Liverpool, it's the greatest city on earth. But I was like, come on, mate, let's have a little have a word with yourself. It's like you're telling me that like like I thought regional dialects were in. Uh and um so yeah, I I was I would never had any ideas, any designs on on television. Even when I applied for channel four, when I did the YouTube video, you had to upload a YouTube video, what you do three minutes of channel four airtime. And I remember Lee, I saw the advert, and it was like, Do you have a background in the media? And I was like, Yeah, are you disabled? I was like, Yeah. And it was like, Do you have a background in Paralympic sport? And I'd actually been on the development squad for the rifle shooting to go to the Paralympics. Reporting on it. No, so I I reported at an open day where they were trying to find athletes for London 2012. And as part of it obviously because I met the criteria, I was allowed to try different sports. Yeah, and I tried rifle shooting, it's the best I've ever been at anything, straight away, and they stuck me straight in a squad. Uh and then I quit. What? Yeah, and this is get don't this is gonna sound like quite deep and quite bleak but I'd never been around other disabled people until until like eight like March 2010 because even when I go to the hospital you see people briefly, you like, even when I get my legs, it's always kind of like m mainly elderly people. So I'd never been around other disabled people. All my mates, I was like the only one. And then all of a sudden it was thrown into this world and all it was just about being winning off, which is ironic giving a career I've pursued, but it was all about being disabled. I couldn't cope with it. So I quit the team, had like eight weeks of therapy, and remember the geezer against me at the end of it. I was like, I feel loads better. And he went, look, Miss Brooke, I really think you you need need a lot of this. I was like, yeah. And he was like, no, genuinely, I really if you can, if you can carry on, I really think you should. Yeah. He was like, you need to talk about this a lot more. But the mad thing is, I kind of have. I've talked about it. I've become more comfortable. Like people go, like I joke now, but I wasn't always like that. No way. Like my mates should be like, yeah, I used to have like a a laugh a bit, but not like because I wasn't as comfortable in my own skin, I was more self-conscious, and now I'm like, I'm as comfortable as I ever will be, I'd assume. I don't know. Why did that change then? How did you do that? Do you know what it was? It was don't genuinely no word of like it I've almost done 14 years of uh a slightly messed up therapy talking about being being like I am on a sofa, but it's on live telly so you can't help but kind of it just changed. Like hello, I always said to the book, I said to the boys when we it was ten years of last second, I remember saying to them, is that a lot of people, like, obviously it's a job and we've had amazing careers out of it. Like what are, you know, all three of us. But for me, it's probably had a massive impact because it's changed how I viewed myself just from doing that one, from doing that this one job. Because I honestly, if you'd have met me, yeah, and it was, it's it's had a it's had a really like I can say that, you know, you go, it's life-changing. Don't give me what it has been. Like, then also it's like it's life-changing in the fact that I've changed how I view myself. And I suppose that is the biggest thing. You can't probably get any more I wouldn't have minded your bathroom there but it is what it is you know but I I've been very I've been very very lucky you uh you mentioned about giving up on the squad the chance of the paralympics but you also said you were fucking mustard. I never big myself up about anything, but I was. I can honestly say it's naturally the best I've ever been at any single one thing. Well, let's let's actually put your sharp shit Okay. Why don't you open the present that uh Christmas present brought you? Oh . Ha ha yes, baby. Ho ho yeah. Is this loaded? For the audio list, Alex Brooker has unwrapped a massive nerf gun and it's pointed at my face. Right, uh I think we need to really put this to the test, don't we? Yeah. Um why don't we use Jake? Two of my worst bosses of all time in one room. Sure. I've been employed by both of these. Jake, could you put the cuff on top of your head, please, mate? Yeah, okay. Here we go. Do you know what? I'm gonna put these on as well. You're putting goggles on? Yeah. Why? Why? Yeah. It's a rubber bullet, mate. He's just told you that he could have made it big when the Paralympics rifle shooting team. Yeah, but that was a long time ago. You know how long he's been doing the last leg for. Oh, the countdown. This is a hell of an advert for diversity Alex are you ready? I think so. Three , two , one fire Oh here we go hit my face hit my chest Oh Sit mechanism piece of sure Well you Christmas is ruined Do you know what you have put me off Christmas? That was Christmas present. Thank you. Yeah, that's right , mate. No arries. Now we move on to Christmas. Future. Oh gosh. What future is this? Don't know. It's a sort of 1980s dystopian future . So for the audio listener, the ghost of Christmas future is dressed in an 80s shell suit with a pinky blindness flat cat. Look. This is the ghost of Christmas future. Thank you. And with one final present for you, but this time you can open it as as as soon as he gives it to you. Yes. Please. Here we go. Ghost of Christmas. Oh, thank you. Be gone. Thank you. Be gone, Ghost. Back to the future. Huh. Oh here we go. What we got here, man? Go on, put the cut back on the top of your head now. What have we got here? It's a football, Joe. It's a football. Yeah. And we alluded to it earlier, didn't we? So what have we got coming up that we are going to be involved in. Soccerade. Mate. Soccerade. How excited are you, genuinely? I've been I've been looking forward to chatting to you about this. I'm really nervous. Are you? Yeah. You're in goal, aren't you? Yeah, I'm not as really worried about that because I'm doing half a half with Paddy McGuinness. Okay. Do you play have you played football? Did you used to play I started football when I was twelve. Yeah. Uh playing goal? It it was in goal. Mainly because I feeled it. You know, the old five sides, I basically filled those goals. So we put Chubsy Wubsy in the goal and I was happy with that. I bet you're good, but you're strong as well. Shoulder challenge, but you're absolutely unbeatable. I'm good at at corners. Yeah. As in um when they come in, I charge out and s and and go to punch the ball, but you know, punch the ball. Yeah. You know, yeah. I can't wait to see you. I'm looking forward to it. What what's is it as fun as it looks? I'm most worried about the meetup. No, no, and then you locked in for like I was the first time I got to do it, I was so excited. I'd watched, I'm sure you've watched them, but like I watched the first like from when I was at university. I remember finishing my first year at university when I did the first one, and I remember being obsessed with the idea that there was this game where you've got like Diego Maradona taking a penalty against Jamie Feekston. And you're like, what ? The fuck is going on? And I remember thinking this is the best thing ever. And then obviously I've watched them over the years. And then when I got into television, if somebody had said what were the things you'd want to do? So like lovely like League of Their Own was one of them, Celebrity Juice was another one. And then yeah, uh Soccer Aid was a big one. It was like the one that was was left that I was so desperate to do. And I just thought they wouldn't ask me because obviously don't associate me probably with somebody be playing football, even though I love my football. And so when they asked me, it was it was amazing. But I was nervous about the meetup because you're there with a lot, like you know, oh gosh, you know, what are the ex pros gonna think? What are the other celebs gonna think? You know, because they're like, Oh, it's geezer. You know, you know what football can be, you know what sport can be like it's like if they think you're the weak link, yeah, um and that is that is it gonna be like I was properly like crapping it? And you get in, and it is the best. How many times have you done it now? This will be my fifth. Wow. My fifth cap this year. Before I did the first one, I remember Bradley Walks, who did loads of them. I remember working with him, and he was just he said, If I can give you one bit of advice, Al . He said, just get the ball and just give it to a pro. And he went, You look like the tardiest player there. And I remember the very first one, literally every time I got it I was just give it to someone better than me which is everyone so any pass I make makes me I just remember think I remember making my first completed pass and going that'll do and I was blowing. Oh, that's the thing is I was just absolutely absolutely blowing. It's the best though. And also, it is it's I I I uh an ambassador for UNICEF UK and I started doing that last year, and I've been involved with the charity now, and it is for it's an incredible, it's an incredible cause. It really is. And I always find the very the first night we we'll get there and we'll we'll have the training as soon as we get there, it's awesome, and like everyone's excited you all meet up. But the very first night every year, you sit there, everyone gathers as dinner, but they'll show you the appeal films and then it's like that is when it hits home. That's when it really hits home because you're doing you're it's the biggest privilege to do, but you are also doing it for an amazing cause. And there is like it's I got I got really proud of the fact that I'd got asked to do it and it was awesome because you are there's the two sides of it, there's the incredible cause, but then also there's the side of you which is a football fan and you're there and you're like, bloody hell, it's like Roberta Carlos is just right sat right there with me. And I still get giddy about meeting footballers and it's so exciting, but they're the best, and you sit and you you chat with them, we do karaoke . You do karaoke for do karaoke. What we have a little bit of karaoke. Do you have to get prepped? No. Just I bet you you you've knocked out about four or five songs just today. You're good to go, mate. Do stay another day, bring your keyboard, they'll love it. Can I have it back? Actually, like that's a th ing. Like in rugby it was part of like a in not an initiation. No, it's not really as much of an initiation. It's just like in the evening you just get to sit and everyone's, you know, they have a karaoke machine and both teams. Both teams. No, both teams or something. And everyone sits together and you just sit and I remember the first year doing uh I was seeing backstreet boys, I wanted that way, but I remember seeing two. Yeah. Well, obviously it's a boy band, yeah. Yeah, and last last year, year I done it with uh Nikki Byrne from Westlaugh and Tom Grennan, who obviously professional singers, and it's the best it sounded, and it's obviously it's because they're doing the heavy lifting, a lot of it. Um but you sit there and you're like, buddy, you saying bolt watching me, do sing backstreet boys. Seeing how like excited you've got soccerade. That cr the sock raid and Christmas, mate. Yeah, no, but it's actually. Soccerade is my May Christmas. May and June Christmas every year. My angle was gonna be seeing you get so excited about soccer aid clearly means that you you can think past Christmas. Well actually tell when I'm at soccer, I don't think about Christmas. I don't think about Christmas. I'm not thinking about that. That's the only time you're not thinking about it. We're making progress, aren't we? Huge progress. That is a slight wean. So all he needs is hundreds of thousands of people watching him play football. Seems like a sustainable treatment plan . Right, Alex, one last attempt at trying to wean you off this Christmas session, okay? One final exercise for you. I think you've over-romanticised the best parts of Christmas. Yeah. So I'd quite like to discuss the shittest parts. Okay. So in fact, in the uh in the lining of Joe's hat, we've actually got a load of prompts all about Christmas and you and Joe are gonna respond with not what you think the best version of these categories are, but the shittest answer, okay? We're gonna keep on going until you hear uh Santa's bell end . That'll end. Santa's Bell End. Well, until you hear the end of Santa's Bell, yeah. So when you hear Santa's Bell end. Why'd you keep saying Santa's Bell end? Do you know what joke? It's Christmas, so I'm having I'm having a fucking laugh alright I'm trying to have a fucking laugh at Christmas first one to be pulled out what is the shittiest christmas tradition oh Oh God. Crackers are shit. Crackers are absolutely futile. I thought you'd love that sort of stuff. And it's not again, people go, oh, because he he always loses. No, don't. It's that's not why. I always get nail clippers. Man of bloody nail clippers I've had, Jake. It's just upsetting. Shit is Christmas TV show . I I'm gonna say it, I've never watched the Queen's or Monarch speech. Monarch speech. No, I've watched them, but I've never enjoyed one. No. I've never gone up me, that was a belter. Just put a couple of gags in there. Like if genuinely, if Charles starts this year and goes, like me it's being tough old one in it, I'd go mate. Well plus side, like we're one less at the dinner table this year, isn't it? And you go, mate, that's good gear. That is good gear. Like, let's have a bit of fun with it. The shittiest Christmas song . Oof. Oh um Oh I think mistletoe and wine is crack That's so shit. Mistletoe and wine Children sing ing Christian rhyme. Oh is that it? Oh it's it's awful. What about away in a manger? That's gash. Yeah. But it's got it's endearing though, isn't it? No crib for no crib for a bed. I can't say gash for that bed. Yeah, you can I didn't by the way I nearly said gash when I was talking about the king's speech so there you go. I think it's gash. Shittiest Christmas dinner item. Bread sauce can fuck off. Oh bread sauce! Bread sauce, my sauce. Yes. I've never had bread sauce with Christmas. I've had bread sauce, but I've had I've not I wouldn't have it with Christmas dinner. What difference does it make? Let's name the plainest solid and make it a sauce. By the way something I have mint sauce on all meat. Oh mince! Mint sauce on all meat! It's the best Down with a monarchy and out with mint sauce. Mint sauce on everything. Oh, that's what we're going for. Oh . Well wait for Santa's bell to end. Yeah, I get it. All of that has told us, I think, that actually there's quite a lot to of shit stuff about Christmas as well, don't you think, Joe? Well yeah, but well it's more. Some of it is crap, actually. Aimed at Alex, really. No, you're right. You've you've you know bread sauce has annoyed me just thinking about it. It was actually nice to see you engage in a bit of shit chat like that. Yeah, I think we and we discovered that you're not completely obsessed with everything. You're not you're not blindly loyal to Christianity. No, I'm not blindly loyal to I'll I'll never turn my back on it, but I don't love everything about it. No. I don't think you can love any everything about anything, can you? We've loved everything about you, brother. Oh mate . Right, Alex, that is the end of our session today. Well done. Loved it. You know, you engaged in a bit of Christmas negativity with me. And you also gave me a little bit of Christmas positivity. I'm gonna leave here going, oh it's not all that bad. And I hope you leave here going, oh it's not all that good. No. I think we'd have a little bit of balance about it. Yeah. Before you go, to uh remind you of the growth that you've shown in this session. We get you a badge. Badge and a lollipop. That's what every patient gets. What have we gone for for the badge this week, Jake? We've gone for humbug. Humbug. Humbug. Yeah. you'll spend it on around and give that to you. Thank you. Can I take any flavour I want? Er . Yeah. Um cheers. Do I put it on now or George. It's your badge. You can do whatever you want with it. It's your lolly. It's your badge. Cheers. It's your life. Episode's gone on long enough as it is without me trying to open this on camera so that it's just These are good. Janet, please, could you come and pick up Alex Brooker? Uh yeah, sure. Brilliant. Love you, bye. Alex Brooker, everybody! Cheers, everyone. Cheers. See you later. Cheers. See you later. If you want to join the doctor's wait list, please subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Instagram at We'll See You Now Show. Remember, unless it's not clear enough already, I'm not the real Santa Claus and I'm not a real doctor. If you need any professional help, you'll find a link to great support services on our Instagram. I've been Joe Marla and this has been Joe Marler. We'll see you now. I'll see you next time. Ho, ho, ho