Soccer Aid Tactics and Preparation

You're a cuck as well. No. Mate, I get called a cuck all the time. Joe, can I ask you a question? Definitely. Are you 35? I have to know. I had a weight on my shoulder that I didn't realise that was there. The lady goes, you've got ADHD . And she goes, you're a very special boy. Bro . I cried. P never comes to mind anymore. That felt amazing. Yeah, fuck you, Pete Wiggs! Hello and welcome to my office. This is Joe Marler Will See You Now with me, Dr. Joe Marlo. This is a show where some of Britain's best love celebs have been prescribed a session with me, a fake doctor, to rummage around in their brains and assess where we can help them. With me as always is my research assistant, Jake! H Helloello.? Hello . Um still gambling that are you? I like the way you say hello. Okay, hello. So I did do a different one just then. You were like, hello. It's me. Joseph Marler. But uh you did you lost your usual chirby. Hello. And why do you think that is, Jake? Don't know, why would you lose that? What happened? What happened just before we started recording? Maybe the whole office sort of celebrated your wonderful chirpy hello. And would you like to replace the word celebrated? Um mocked. Better. Sorry. Nah fine. You know in that intro when you go um some of Britain's best love celebs? Yeah. Breast Breast cele s celebs. Best love celebs, yeah . Um I think that something's happened to you recently, which confirms you now as one of Britain's best love celebs. What happened to me recently? I'll tell you what means that you are one of Britain's best love celebs. Sure. Soccer aid. Oh! Mate, that is genuinely, I think, a benchmark of you are so prominent in the public consciousness that you can do something that is raising big, big, big money because only people who are known by the whole country can raise that big big big money. Mate, I'm chuffed for you. I'm glad you brought that out. That's really cool. I'm really I'm really chuffed about it. I've got to get it. I feel like you think I'm always here I'm always here to dig you out. I'm not. I'm in all of you on a daily basis. I've been wanting to do that for years and now to get the opportunity to try and like garner some respect off of my eldest son that I never had playing rugby . How can it not how can it but you play for England and then you're like I never scored, that was all all it came down to so Yeah but weren't you weren't you sort of like a pioneer of your specific specific uh skill of scrumming? Ha ha ha ha Scrummaging. Scrummaging ? Having a scrummage? Having a root around? I don't know what Yeah. Pine you are a pioneer? No, no, no. In short, in short, I'll answer. In short, no. But back to soccer aid. If you think you can impress your son by scoring on soccer aid, are you gonna just be attempting some some like goal kicks or you're gonna run out to try and score? No, I'm gonna attempt to like rush goalie people. So be out of be out of it. Yeah, so run all the way. Yeah and pass from back from pass from the back I, think they say. So it would be good. Play some attractive football. Penalties would be good, wouldn't it? Imagine that. What it goes to pens. Goes to penalties. Last m like like l number it would be nice if you were like number three or number four in the in the line up. Oh my god that'd be good. I think I'm just most excited to go and meet all these mega names and try and rack their brains in a non work capacity. Who's who's gonna be there, do you think? I t I think I want to get hold of Robbie Williams. Really wanna get hold of him. What are you gonna do with him when you get hold of? I think he's been announced What? What am I gonna do with him? Well you said I want to get hold of him. What are you gonna do? You want to get hold of him like a big man cuddle and be like, hey love your work yeah let's just learn to have a bit of fun with it shall we that's what I want to say too love your work didn't love the film but love your work or I'd quite like to do a running race with your same bolt who's the soccerade rest of the world eleven manager. What do you think you can do a hundred metres in? Seventeen point eight seconds. Right. What do you think you can do in? Do you think you could beat me in a hundred metre race? It's interesting, isn't it? 'Cause you're obviously just answer the question an athlete. T former athlete, but was never an athlete, so you can't keep using that as well. I've got I've got l I've got um loads less weight. I've got yeah I've got less to carry. But also means loads less muscle as well to be able to fire off the ground. Yeah yeah yeah yeah you really meant it but you said the loads less muscle didn't we uh I did in the same way that you go. Hello? Hello? Also, loads less muscle. Um I really don't know how fast you'd be over a hundred metres. I'd beat you. You've got so Joe, you've got so much to carry. I know, but I'd beat you. Okay, it's a deal. In the same gears, though. Um in the same gears? Yeah, you have to wear the suit and I have to wear the jacket. That's why you that's why you come dressed in shorts. So you're always ready for a race? That's why you do it, isn't it? Um Yeah. So weirdly, the reason why soccer raid was also in my head is because the guest we've got today is also doing it. Ah. But that's not just like that's not the top of their resume, is it? No, I would say this person is a professional talker. Trevor MacDonald. Uh don't think he is doing soccer aid unless I've missed the announcement. You could beat him in a hundred metres race. And you. Yeah. Sure. I could beat Trevor McDonald though, right? Fucking hell, I've got so much to prove. So the professional talker. Professional talker, loveliest man, very talented, and we've had his best friend on the podcast already. Yes, we have. You got on really well with his best friend, didn't you? I got on with him. I just don't know if he got on with me. He didn't with you, no. No. I'm hoping I'm hoping that this time round, this guest will maybe warm to me. Or at least not call me a thumb. I've never who is it? Wonderful . It's the wonderful Sam Thompson. Sam Thompson. Yeah, he's outside right now with Janet. I think he's God. I wonder what she's doing with him. Um probably doing the same thing that everyone apparently did, which is watch that clip of you and Pete. Uh Wow. Realising that the other one thought each other were 47 years old. They did a clip of the clip. They did it. So I didn't realize it had gone that wild. I think it's on 15 million views now. Ridiculous. Of you two going 321, I think you're 47. You're getting a bit of a reputation now for just like you thinking other people are older than they are, and then they're thinking you older. But then everyone gets up close and they're like, Oh, you lovely. Do they? Or they still go, Cool, you look a lot older than what you are, but maybe not as old as what we thought you are. It's the wisdom thing, I think, isn't it? It's the wisdom thing. More the fact that I look like an owl. A lovely bearded owl. Should you get him in ? What now? Yeah . Yeah, I'll give Janet a couple. Yeah. Can you send Sam Thompson in please? Thank you. Bye-bye . Sam Thompson everybody! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh show! Oh he's a hugger, yeah. Definitely a hugger. Yeah, I knew that, didn't I? Oh wow, that's glamory. Oh you give good hugs, don't you? Oh I do indeed. So you give a great hug. What does that mean? Can I sit down? Uh where else were you thinking? I don't panicked me. Well you can. Interesting. I knew that would be something. I'd think you could go for that. Mate, big fan, by the way. Sam, this is big fan. Jake, this is Sam. I know, I've been so excited because we've got the nice one. Is that where you wanna begin? Do you think Pete went a little bit too hard on you, dear? Put it this way, we we we might be on course to get a sponsorship from BetterHelp, the amount of money I've been spending on them since I met the bloke. Fuck me. But already, me and Sam, I don't know, I can feel there's a like a really positive energy. Yeah yeah. You're your epic mate. Oh you you're epic. Do you do you mind sorry Joe, do you mind if you do you mind fucking offer a bit? Happily. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry. The be the abusers become the abusers. No, it's fine. Shall we maybe want to swap it up? I'll go in the cook. What is it? The cook chair. The cook chair? Can't stress enough. It's cuck chair, not a cook chair. You're a you're a cuck as well. No mate, I get called a cuck all the time. I don't know what it is. I don't got a clue. Sorry, quickly. What did you just say? People I keep going online, people go, You're such a cuck. I don't know what I don't know what it means. People message you saying you're a cuck. Yeah, you're a cuck. I thought mean cock. I thought I couldn't believe it. Cause I was like, I've had it enough times that not not that many people can make a spelling mistake. I have no idea what it means, but I'm clearly by the way from a laughing, it's not a good thing. Oh. How are you? I'm really good, mate. Better seeing you. I've missed you. You've missed me. Yeah. Joe, can I ask you a question? Definitely. Are you 35 ? Interesting. Which I just I have to know. Okay, so I I do the questions. Yeah, I know, but I just we've all seen it. And I just I could not believe it. Let's get it out of the way then. What the fuck is your beef with me? Like you've I've had your mate on here, and I was I was shocked at his age. Yeah. Shocked when he said. There you go. Mainly because, like I said, I grew up watching him. I thought, oh my god , he's been around for ages, he's definitely way older than me, look how successful he is, etcetera, that all that lot, he's definitely older, that's how I think. And then when I it turned out he was only thirty seven, I was like, that is wild. Yeah. He's lived a life. He's mate, he's that every line tells a story. Mm. But interestingly I did see your repos to it on your staying relevant podcast. Um what were your comments on there? I was like I was like just No no sorry I'll I'll I'll carry on. Um as if coming from him, he's and he says he's 35, he's the old one. As if he's turned round and said something like that. No, I couldn't believe it. Only because you've achieved so much. Sure. No . Mate, you achieved so much. You're like one of those , I've literally just said. But it did strike a corpse clearly, because I like thought you know that like clip on Instagram was on like 14-15 million views. My mum sent it to me. Shh Yeah Okay But she fancies Pete so she fortunates everything he does. What I like now, in a weird way, is that we're reacting to the moment that they reacted, to you reacting, to Pete's reaction of your age. It was epic. I feel like we could just sort of keep making this content for about three years. Anyway, so we've got that out of the way. Fucking hell, are we having a kid to the fucking hint take- Sorry the conversation is flowing. Sorry, is that good? Hello, please, conversation's flowing too fucking much. Can you come and make an arrest? Oh no, you've got real crimes to deal with. Hey mum, yeah, had a good day. I accidentally the conversation accidentally flew too well, then Joe fucking punched me in the face. Yes, I am on the phone to my mum because I don't have a girlfriend. Fucking hell. What a start. Do you want to lead with your conversation flowing? Or shall we do the No, don't worry, you've put that to bed. In your role as podcast host. What's your full name? Oh no, you switched that up real fast. You went from smiling to death just then. Sam, Robert DeCourcy Thompson. Let's unpack that a little bit. No, I knew you were gonna say that. So you're Sam, not a Samuel. Yeah. You look like a Samuel. Yeah, and then the two middle bits, there was a Dorsey in there. Well Robert's my middle name. Robert. And then DeCourcy Thompson's my end name. Your surname is DeCourcy Thompson. Yeah. What, like the fin of a fish? Yes . No No, I don't even know. I just agreed you there because I didn't say. Star signed? Leo. Definitely. What do you mean what does that mean? Yeah. What would you like to put down as your official occupation ? Oh, that's a great question. It is. I don't know, that'd do loads of things. Podcaster, I guess. But that's a bit of a cop out. Uh radio presenter. Yeah, good. Um digital advertiser. Okay, well what what do you want? Do you want all of them? I don't know. What's that? What's what should I say? What's it not? Okay, do you know what? No, I'll say, what did Pete say? Um you look like a thumb, your ankles are too small, your nose is massive . What's your job? Why are you here? Have you ever had sex? Oh, you asked me that all the time as well. Yeah, yeah. Has anyone ever sat in your face? The answer was no. Is it still no? Has anyone sat on your face? What after meeting Janet? I think we've covered this, but just for the record. How old do you think I am? Even though you know my actual age. Yeah. How old do I look? Forty one? Thirty-nine. Thirty-nine. 39 . Do you know who you look like by the way? Kratos from God of War. You do. And that by the way, that by the way, is a really big positive . Do I have a look at him? I'm aware. I'm aware of who he is, Jake. Kratos. Hang you. God of war. How old do you think Kratos looks? Well he's ancient. He's he's been around since the ancient time. Best friend . Oh . Interesting. Didn't think this would be as long a pause as I thought 'cause I'd actually started to write his name already. Peter . Pete's not my best friend. Pete's my brother. He's like family. I'd say like a best friend for me, would probably be like Marvin . Yeah, I say Marvin, he's just always there. He's just like the nicest. But like also just the kind of bloke that you want to be when you grow up. You know? He's like a really decent guy, and his family are amazing. And I just adore him and he's always there like anytime you're in like a bit of a bad way or anything like that. He literally is always at the other end of the phone and he's just such a nice dude. So I'd say like best friend around that it's like Marvin or Tony or whatever. And then I'd say brother would be Pete. That's really lovely. That you like the way you've just described Marvin and Pete and how much love you've got for them. But who's your arch enemy? Who's my nemesis? Yeah. Oh, I know exactly what my nemesis is, yeah. Roman. Roman Kemp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you like Roman Kemp? No, I adore him, but he's my nemesis. But arch enemy or nemesis would suggest that you don't like that person, or actually you like them really hard. Oh I I I I love Roe. We we we're super tight. Yeah. But we are Nemesai . Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. So I see you and Fry's back in the room. Too brutus . Uh why is he an MSI? Because me and him, because we always used to go for the same jobs and he always used to get them. And I always used to message him and be like, for fuck's sake, man. I'd be like, why do you keep doing this? I remember me and Pete were meant to get a job, this is a few years ago. And um and so Roman's at the same like agency that I'm at. I said to the agent, I was like, who else is going in for it? Because it was quite a big job back then. And um and he was like, there's like another two that that the brand are looking at. And I went, It's fucking Roman is dad, isn't it? And he was like, it it may be Roman and his dad. Next day, next day, phone call. Yeah, mate, can I be honest with you, big guy? They've gone from over the dad. And I literally messed a phone be like, Why? Why were you born? Um Do you make up songs about stuff? Do I make up songs? Yeah. All the time. About my cat. Just make up a song for me now. How do you know that? Just just look off the cuff. Go. Do you need a beat? Wow . Jake? Yes. You be the precursor. Meow meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow , meow, meow . And then just carry, ready? Meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah, I sing it to my cat. I cradle my cat on my arms like that. Oh. And I literally sing, I meow to my cat. Meow, meow, meow, mew. I'm gonna stop. What's the one thing that calms you down? Uh ooh . Gaming. Gaming? Yeah. What sort of gaming? Um I like fantasy games. Or anything watching fantasy as well, I like I like to get lost in things. There's one thing that I I would love to do more than anything, is like find a group of guys like who just like to nerd out and like hang out with me. That would be really funny. Here we are, brother. I would love that. I would I would absolutely love that. Like paint more time. Joe, if I could sit down with you, do you know what I would love to pitch a TV show of me and Joe. So you've got the the man's man, right, and Joe Marla. I'm not a man. I wanted you are a fucking man's man, based on having a beat. You grab people's bollocks, mate, on their feel. You tickle. You tickle bullock. He does when he's comfortable. Shut. Yeah. Every now and then. Carry on with your pitch. So basically me and you, right, we're out, we we we go and do like things like LARPing. I'd love to do that. A little bit dungeons and drag ons. Imagine me turning up to a park with you and playing Quidditch. Like and I mean this with like a broom between our legs. Just like just waddling after a quaffle. Mate , I would ad ore that with you. I appreciate you. I think you should do it. Politely. I barely have time to fart . You are busy at the moment. Also Hagrid never flew a broom, did he? What? No, just a Harry Potter thing for me and Sam. I was saying Hagrid Hagrid technically never did a fart on a broom yet in a motorbike. Ridiculous.. Oh yeah I can however offer you the services of my trusted assistant. Jake. No, I'd love to. We've already changed numbers. We're already hanging out just like off-camera. We don't do it because we're gonna be actual friends, but like you guys could do it for a TV show. But the thing is not gonna be fun like, you know, two beta males playing Quidditch. I mean you can go to any park and see that, I'm sure. Do you think you're as high as beta? Oh That's exactly the s sort of thing Pete would say. It's the same situation. There's a lot of Pete and Sam about us. Well, clearly a lot of differences as well as it's. Well also mate, but unfortunately for us, people prefer the Pete's. We we we're sort we're the secondary. I know. Sam, I want to help you with your relationships. Yeah. I want to help you with refilling the position of best friend. Now I know you mentioned that Pete isn't your best friend , but for the purpose of this podcast, we've planned that he was your best friend and that was gonna be your answer. So let's refill the position of best friend slash brother. I'm gonna get you to love yourself and find you a new best friend. You are gonna become your best friend. That's very sweet. Are you up for it? I'd love to. Yeah, is that f is that a fair summary? Joe, when you lean in, I'm in. When I lean in, I'm it when you're in, is it like I just love it when you lean in? Okay, great, that's good now. Let's get started . What was a nine-year-old Sam like? Nine-year-old Sam . Uh naughty. Naughty. Yeah. Naughty but nice? I think so, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, naughty nice. What sort of naughtiness would you get up to? Uh I will Oh you naughty boy. Naughty boy. I pack it in! No, I was just more of a sort of like chaos, chaotic. So I'd sort of like just sort of like rip around the gaff and just like I would never stay still. Have you always wanted to be around people then? Like to did you surround yourself with people when you' yoreunger? Yeah, all the time. Yeah. I like people. I think people You really do love people, don't you? Yeah, I do. I think that most people, when you say hello to 'em, want you two. And I think that I think and and they might look like they don't, but I feel like it's a shield. Yeah, and I think and I understand why that is, because I have that as well as sometimes we live in a big city and it can be quite scary. But like it I genuinely think if you were to look someone in the eye, you would just catch eye contact with some one and you would just go and smile and they'll smile back. Yeah but uh when I do that, people get creeped out. You do that 'cause you've got a lovely cute face. I do that, they're like fucking hell, is it gonna kill me on the channel? I'll smile at you, mate. You mean you don't do that? No But people do, but mate, I genuinely think people are nice. And people most people , I think, I love I love sitting on the tube and just like watching people and thinking like everyone's silent on the tube and I I and I stand and I'm like I feel like break it into song. Do you know not song, but I'd love just to like stop Start a chat with like a load of people on the chat. What stops you? What do you think stops everyone doing that? I still have a little bit of like embarrassing Warwanker, but like I I would inside, I'm like I, would love imagine just starting to chat with like random people. We all in the carriage get talking about like whatever and we all have a laugh. I'd love that. I mean that'd be really, really cool. You touched on ADHD. So you how long ago were you diagnosed with ADHD? Uh twenty-nine. So three and a half years ago. Did that check what what did that do for you? Was it a a positive diagnosis for you that made you go, great, I've got some answers, or was it like uh oh fuck what have I got? No, do you know what I never I was never like that. The only the o the reason I got it done, everyone used to keep telling me I'm ADHD and I didn't really understand what it meant because I think we grew up in a we both grew up in a time uh where it's mental that it can go back to it. Well, I don't think at school it was really understood or discussed. So I was just a naughty kid at school, right? And the really naughty ones would be on Rittling. Or just chapter. Exactly on random. Basically, if you're just really naughty. If you're head button the walls, you'd get put on like Ritterlin, but like for everyone else, it was just you're a naughty kid and you're not very good at learning. And um and if you were to read my report cards, it was crazy . Like so the the I'm not really the word right, but the psychotherapist, whoever it was, the lovely lady who diagnosed me, she um she had to have to go through report cards because a lot of it obviously is based on like what you're like at school because it's so regimented and um from the age of about eight to eighteen we read my report cards because we'd gone and touched my schools and we got them and they all said the ex act same thing. It was likable enough, um, too disruptive, needs to apply himself more, needs to concentrate more. Those are literally verbatim. I don't know about you, Jake, but the most cutting thing you just said there was likable enough. I thought of that, yeah. Yeah. Likeable enough. Likeable enough. It was bait it was. Didn't sell the show. There's no need to for that sort of like level of critique. But it's it 's it's it's basically he's not very good, he's not very good, he's not very good, but he's a nice kid. Like that was kind of how it was. And um, so I never really understood back then what it was like, and then everyone used to tell me I had it used to tell me I had it and then I there was I did a show called SAS Who Dares Wins when I was about twenty five and um there was a lady Foxy was it? Yeah Foxy Foxy he reminded me quite a lot by the way. I'd tell you as a common. He's he's actually been in that show. He's been in the legend. Really? Also he sent me some sh shirts. Did he? Uh yeah, he sent a couple through for you. So this is a conversation about ADHD, by the way. Um just so we know we'll stay now. I think we're both guy. This is a conversation about ADHD where Sam Thompson trying to explain how he was diagnosed and Joe Marler trying to understand it then completely loses the train of thought and starts talking about Jason Fox. I was wearing it. And also regularly wonders if he should ever look into it himself. You didn't want to give him a life. My head was going up for a sorry and you went for a high five . That stung my soul. I um I want to be up front with you. And I want to apologize because whatever just happened here, I don't want you to think that this has now made this not a safe space for you. This is very much a safe space. I would like to think that you might be aware of some of the traits of someone with ADHD that they might have a habit of going, actually, Foxy sent through some shirts here. Oh fuck, what were you talking about? Just go back to it. That's my life. It's not because I don't care, but it's my life. Sure, one of the worst things I do with that is that I will always try, and people hate this, and I I have to stop trying to do this, or try to stop doing this, sorry, is that when someone says something they're going through, I the only way I can I try and be like, oh, I've I've been through that as well. So I'm gonna talk to you. Your way of relating to it. It's it's people then confuse that for one-upmanship. For one-upmanship. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm that's and I I I'm not trying to do that. I'm trying to show you that I can understand the feelings that you're feeling right now because I've had it as well. Yeah. But sometimes people don't want to hear that. They just want you to listen. And I'm really not very good at listening. I want to get better at listening. But the fact that you acknowledge that is the starting point that you go, oh I can get better at that. Well, it's I do therapy, I do ADHD therapy. So is that how you deal with it now? Yeah. That's how you manage it. Yeah, I don't I don't go enough to be fair, but yeah, when she told me this is my when she said you've got a it's the we did it for a documentary mate we did it for a channel four doc and um the the the lovely directors like right so she's gonna like tell you like tell you whatever the whatever the um reveal is and I went look I think it's pretty obvious like I've got ADHD and I was like if you're looking for like a cry you're not gonna get it yeah like I'm just I I'm not that phased by it I've I've I've pretty much known I've had it for a long time and she was like, okay, that's fine like let's just see what happens. I was like, well, I'm not you're not getting that money shot, so like I just I just want to like warn you that now. And um and the the lady goes, You've got uh you've got ADHD, and she goes, you're she goes, you're a very special boy. Bro . I cried. And I don't know why. Well I do actually know why now. Because at the time I was just going, I don't know what's going on. It's the I had a weight that I didn't know I had. And I know this sounds a little bit cringy, but like I had a weight on my shoulder that I didn't realize that was there. And all the report cards and all the times, because I used to like crying to my textbooks at school be,ing like, I can't understand why it won't go in. And I used to I not understand why if there was like energy happening in the class, I'd be drawn to it and I couldn't keep away from it. And um and it just like lifted and and I got really emotional. I couldn't believe it. And I almost got annoyed because I was like, fuck, she's getting it. But like I I felt really so in a very long-winded answer to your question, I it did actually change cause of quite a lot for me. Yeah. And then some answers. Yeah, and then they they and then we got prescribed the medication. I was on L Vance. If you know what L vans is, it's like it's amphetamines basically, but and you get put on certain doses. And um I it wasn't really for me. I didn't I didn't feel very good on it. did work, but it just I didn't like the way I felt on it. And and by the way, like I and I mean this, like it can save lives for some people. Um for me, I made we're we're so lucky that we I get to do a job where like I can almost let it all out. You know, like I I've if I was sat at a desk not being able to move from that desk and not being able to talk with a beard. Yeah. I uh I just found your eye again. Yeah. That's three for three. That's what that is. It's starting to become a bit of a thing. I'm so sorry . Kimmy. A great story, like Monsters Inc. stays with you forever. And Disney Plus is where you'll find your next great story. From the return of the award-winning hit series Rivals. Welcome to the naughty show on television. To the unmissable crime drama, high Potential. Got de aad body, gotta go. A lifetime of great stories awaits. This spring on Disney Plus. 18 Plus. Subscription required. T's and C's apply. Do you want to talk us through what it's like to be in your head sometimes. Yeah, sure. But without talking about it. Mm-hmm. There's a tried and tested. Did you just stare off into the desk? I was like, did you hope I was gonna telepathically hear it? No, I was just like, how am I gonna do that? Um well for me, when I'm in my own head, I like to make notes on my phone. Yeah. And it's scientifically proven. Isn't it joke? Yeah, I mean we'll throw scientifically proven out twice in it. Um it's all it's yeah, it's good. Have you got your phone by the way? Yeah, let's do let's a note off. Oh my god, I'd love to. I love you. You're so So I'd love to. Oh, do you want to shit in a paper bag? Yeah, mate. Love to. You're doing it with me. Yeah, yeah, great. Right, first one, Sunday, metamorphosis. Sure. Metamorphoses. Nothing underneath. No context. No context. Okay, what are you trying to spell there? Metamorphoses. Do you mean metamorphosis? Metamorphosis, that is exactly what I was trying to do yeah. This should be a requirement when two people meet each other for the first time. Give me the first three notes on your notes app. Uh you messed up with the wrong guy, sir. What? You messed with the wrong guy. I like the idea that you've written that down. Like in case I get mild, I need to get my phone out to remember exactly what to say. You've messed with the wrong guy. It is one from the 28th of October, 2025. Yeah. Jake, 32, dry eye syndrome. Mum had a colonoscopy story. Broke up with his girlfriend in the summer. Your mum broke up with her girlfriend in the summer? Wait, that's about me. Did you have a colonoscopy? Because I've had quite a few. No, I think I told Joe about my mum's colonoscopy. Hang on, you wrote notes about our first conversation. Wait, read it again. Jake 32, dry eye syndrome. What's that, mate? I don't produce enough tears. So I don't know if you've ever seen me blinking. I blink all the time, yeah. Yeah, it's because I'm not producing enough tears. Yeah, I know how that feels. Mum had a colonoscopy story. Yeah. Broke up with your girlfriend in the summer. Oh, so you'll freshly single. Well no, this was back in single. Diminish it, yeah. Still painful. It's Mars. Still still painful. Still think about her every night. Oh, is it the sum mer? Fucking miles away. He's over it by now. He's only over eight years. I still write her notes. Oh God . Who's the most famous people? Tom Hillson. Wow. Yeah, adore him. Nicest man in the world. You love him. And he's gonna be a soccerade, by the way. I love you. He's your new friend, is he? Nice, I would say we're friends here. And what how did you meet? How did you connect? Uh so he did soccer two years ago, and it was the first time I'd ever done it. Okay. And he's like Miss Sog.gy, he does it all the time And bear in mind, he's like so famous. And he basically like will stop filming like a movie and be like, okay, I'm gonna he'll fly over and and like take part in it. And I walked into the changing rooms of Socrates. Brandon my mate, you know I'm a fan of quite a few people. I walk in and um and he on in the in the changing room I'm it I see Thompson in between Healston and Stuart Broad. Huge. Wow. And bro, I'm a big cricket fan, Tom fucking Hiddleston. And I sat there and they both walk in at the same time and I went, hi boys, I'll be your neighbour in the changing room for today. And I was like, Sam Thompson, nice to meet you. And like shoot both their hands. And then we all got into our briefs. Which was so cool. And then on the last day, sorry, on the light- I don't know why I keep doing it. On the last day. He um on the on the last day uh before we we sort of like rolled out to to the um to the stadium so we're all by the bar, and I went, Tom I, feel like we 've made like relative sort of like friends. And I was like, is there any way that I could have like a moment your time to talk about some of the amazing things you've done? And he was like, I he was like, I've known you've wanted to ask me about Marvel and about Loki since the moment I met you and he went, go on, mate. He's like, you got an hour. And I was like, an hour. An hour. Bro, he sat down for an hour with me in the corner of the bar. So no one could see. He made us put towels over our heads. He was so lovely. I'll never ever forget that. And he sat there with me for an hour and answered every question of mine about the he's he was just so lovely. So for someone who's like a massive famous , he's actually just the most lovely, chill guy in the entire world. As is Michael McIntyre. Okay. Did he do soccer aid with you as well? No, he was just reads. It's always been nice. I remember though I had a really really, sort of this I think it's maybe it's a boring story, but I basically did the only time I've ever been invited to the BAFTAs um was when I was when I worked the red carpet. I thought I might like get a chance to host some of it and I was actually just doing the digital handing out cheese to people on the red colour. I had a cheese sponsor. I had a phone with like, you know, one of those things, you a s a phone stick that they were like, all right, you hold that and hand out cheese to our guests. I was like telling people that I was like doing the Brit BAFTA's red carpet. I mean tech nically you were doing the red carpet. Fucking hand up melted cheese to people. And like you can imagine like like they just just sweaty cheese with my little phone camera being like, hey, like do you fancy some cheese? And um no one says yes. And uh and then a few people I won't name them spat it back out. And uh I um the one person who he went, I heard Sam, Sam Thompson. I turned around and I'd only met him once before on the wheel, and it was Markham McIntyre with his wife, and he went, How are you, mate? I was like, I'm really good, thank you. I was like, I can't believe you remember. He went, of course I do. You're the wheel, mate. And he goes, um, why are you handing up cheese? I was like, Oh, it's a job that I'm doing for the thing. And he went, I'll have one. Took one, and he went, This is my wife, introduced to the wife and went, anyway, mate, we'll go and see you inside, but make sure to say goodbye when you leave. And I was like, that's the nicest man. Bless. And then inside I didn't have a seat. So I I had to sit in the green room. And uh and uh when people had given a ward out, they then come into the green room afterwards or if you've won an award you come into the green room afterwards. For cheese. And uh no this was for beer and or or just or just a green room but there is a bucket of beers there and I'll never forget uh Ross Kemp who came in and I and was like, can I have a beer please mate? And I was like, fuck, he thinks I'm the bartender. I was like, shit. So I stood there handing Ross Kemp Budweiser out the bottom. She's thinking you were the bartender. Genuinely, yeah, because you asked for a second. I was literally just going, yeah, cool. And I'm not that I'm not the kind of dude who's gonna like correct you. So for those who don't know, we're both doing we've been selected in the England eleven or slash twenty odd yeah there's a lot of that um for soccer aid yeah I can't tell you how excited I am this is your third third time yeah and who's in it who are the like the big names that you're gonna go after like you have done in the past? Big names, what just like trying to friend? Oh yeah. Oh dude, well Robert Williams is obviously like a huge mate. If you get if you get sort of get a few minutes of Robby Williams, that's always pretty cool. Yeah. Um I mean Tommy Dilson's going to be there again, so I'm definitely going to be approaching him. Frank Lampard was there last time. I don't think he's there. Harry Rednap's Harry Redknapp's the nicest guy in the entire world. Yeah. I mean, obviously you've got Patty McGinnis, who's like an old hand, he's the most capped. And you've got, I think Robbie Keane will probably be playing as well. He's an absolute legend. I mean, Big Zoo's a great guy. Angry Ginger's playing. But mate, you're gonna have Jenny, and I mean this, you're gonna have the best time. What's your advice you're giving, mate? Like, what's my uh how am I attacking this? Do you know what these few days are? Someone who doesn't really like social environments. We well, yeah, if we get locked in champagne, not physically, but pretty much locked in champagne's to train for like four days and, we all basically, no one really is on their phones. There's no like entourage. I mean, I wouldn't have entourage, but like, you know, for the really big celebrities, they don't really bring anyone with them. It's just us, them, the celebs, the pros who play football. And you just sit and just train together, live together, eat together, and you and like you have a couple beers in the evening together as well. It's, mate, it's one of the most magical things that you'll ever do. It's so fun. And we'll get massages together. Mate, because there's a massive massage station. Why am I getting a massage with you? Oh, dude, I love it. Me and Tony Belly last year were just getting massages left, right, and centre. Yeah, why am I getting a massage? Well, because you probably want one. You can do the fucking massage, just like that to be fair, eh? Show you that a bit. Just out of interest, do you reckon you can have a prediction as to how many goals, A, you're gonna bang in, and B, what the actual whole score will be? Uh I all I want to do is is score a goal but I've never scored. To be fair though, look, there's 11 people on the pitch. Being the goalkeeper is only one. Even more interesting question actually, how many goals do you think Joe's going to let him? How good how springy are you ? It's in like it's in like can you can you dive? Who's fucking chuckles at that? Can I dive? No. No, yeah, so well the goal is a massive. Can I can I plod aimlessly out of my goal out of my area to be like a rush goalie and intimidate the person with the ball and threaten to slide him and two foot em possibly in the shins. Lovely, yes. Yes, I can. Will that put them off and stop them scoring? Hopefully. Do you know who wanna be ? No, I just put my hand up because I didn't want to cut you off. Mate, that is I think that's the polite way. I I w I I wanna be I wanna be right next to I'd love to be left back or centre back, right knee. Oh really hope. No, please. What do you usually play? Normally I like left wing because I'm relatively quick, but I mate, I I could be left back. Me and you just banter left, right and centre, well left. And then just on the left. Brilliant stuff. Standing up for that. Fuck you, Pete Wiggs. Now we started at uh the top of the show in the assessment that we were gonna help you let go of Pete and find a new br best friend in yourself. Learning to love yourself. However , I do need to help you finally detach from Pete. Okay. And I've got one final exercise. And it's using proven scientific methods. Are you ready? Yeah. Please say hello . Unicorn . It's not a unicorn . It is pinata peat. Oh my god. Your dear listener is a pinata on a long fish ing pole. I think it's a microphone stand. With Pete Wix's face on it. Yeah, it is Pete Yata. Pete Yata. Okay. You got a great photo. No, I can't. I could never. What this symbolizes, Sam, is not the destruction of Pete, but rather not needing to rely on anyone and standing on your two feet. It's less about him and more about you. Oh pizza! Actually, to be fair, he do this to me. I'm gonna give you three whacks. Uno, dos, three. Yeah. With each one, I want you to give a reason why Pete is no good for you. Yeah. Your first whack, give me a reason why you want to let go of Pete. Uh why I don't want to let go of Pete. I don't really want to let go of Pete. Look, the people that are closest to us, there are still things that we don't like about them. Oh fine. Uh P uh never comes to mind anymore. Yeah. That felt amazing. Felt good, right? Well no, not about the P is in the hit. Yes. It never comes to yours. Never comes to mine, yeah. What do you mean? Well he is really busy, to be fair. But yeah, he he never really comes around anymore. We used to come around, he used to come around all the time and film things around mine, but he never does anymore. Shame. Yeah, shame that. Uh to be fair, he he he he didn't really enjoy it. Um And I can understand why. Whack number two. Whack number two. Pityata. Pete yata whack number two would be. Never slept over at mine. Oh, fuck. Sorry. That'd be the face then. Okay, his face is gone. Face has gone off the pinata. It's not just a pinata. And you know what? I always invite him to stay the night and he never stays the night. Never stays over. Never stays the night. Third and final whack. So tell us why, Pete, is no good for you sometimes. At the moment, he's really, really busy. But now I've had my third whack. I'm really proud of Pete. And I mean that in all deadly serious. I think Pete is coming to a I think Pete's come into a I think Pete's come into a a a a prime at the moment that he's the happiest he's ever been. And I think he's doing the things he's always wanted to do. And sometimes you gotta let go a little bit. This isn't a gun. I don't know why I'm holding it like a gun. Yeah . Sam , congratulations. You have worked your way through the ancient ritual of Pete Yata. Well done. We all love a Pete. Congratulations. Thank you. We give every guest a badge. I love a badge. Give every guest a badge to remind them of the journey they've been through. What badge have we conjured up? I'm sticking with you. Brackets, not Pete. And that's for you. Thank you, Jake. There you go. Thank you very much, Joe. We also give every guest or patient. Oh of course you can- Oh, I thought we wanted the badge. No, not the badge. We also give every guest or patient uh a lollipop. Oh my god ! Oh So I don't know what that was. What color do you want me to actually just hit my I hit my knee on the corner of the desk when I did that? Ah. Sure. Uh red, purple, green. If we were ever to get a fight, not me and you is no, we wouldn't fight. If we were to ever get into a fight with other people, I think we'd be formidable What are you doing with that lollipop, mate? Can't get undone then. What an action to follow what a statement. And tell you for why. Please do. Because you. I would kick behind you and you would like rock over and I'd be like, yeah, get him. I feel like it wor ld . Sometimes a big guy needs a small guy to succeed. He's got me, thank you very much. Sometimes a big guy needs two small guys. I cannot begin to tell you how much I have enjoyed this session with you Sam . You have been incredible. You've brought for someone who is uh heavily pessimistic and um cynical about anyone and everything in the world. You manage to make me smile every fucking 30 seconds with your energy and your buzz. It would make me tear don't you make me tear up. I think you're a wonderful person, mate. Sweet. And I think loads of people love you too. So Thank you. Do you know what? Don't ever change. Thank you, mate. Sam Thompson, everybody. Yes! Yes! I'm standing up. Janet, please come and pick up Sam Thompson, please. We're a hero. The first aggregation we've ever had on the series, actually. He always stands, so that doesn't count. Janet, no, come and get him quick. Don't lick Sam Thompson everybody! Sam Thompson, everybody. I had a wonderful time. No, no, Sam! I had a wonderful point. great! Thank you. So funny. Sam Thompson, everybody! If you want to join the doctor's waiting list, then please subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Instagram at We'll See You Now Show. Remember, unless it's not clear enough already, I'm not a real doctor. If you need any professional help, you'll find a link to great support services on our Instagram. I've been Joe Marla and this has been Joe Marla. We'll see you now and I'll see you next time. Bye bye!