Rebuilding Your Life Around Your Brain

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Call one eight hundred Granger, click Granger.ot com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done So you've just been diagnosed with ADHD and you are going through an identity crisis. Yes, you feel so relieved that you've got answers, but you're also grieving the life that you could have had. You don't know who you are because you've been masking for so long and you've got no idea what life is gonna to look like moving forward today onn the late Bloomers podcast, we're going to go through the kind of ten things that you will go through and face when you get diagnosed and how to actually move through them. Welcome to Late Bloomers where we are getting our lives together. Right, so I'm gonna lead on this one, but you pointing out? Our amazing sponsor, Lp beard plugs. Oh on my Godd, I'm sorry. That's okay. I can't believe I remembered and you forgot. Here I know. That's like a once in a lifetime. Whoops. okay, let me start again then. I'm gonna lead on this podcast, aren't I What do you mean you're gonna leave? Well I'm I've got ten Things that we've discussed beforehand that are really relevant to what life was like after diagnosis for you So I'm going I'm going to point out those ten things and you are going to Tell us a bit more I feel like when Someone gets diagnosed, or they realize for the first time It's like life changing, but then you have so many emotions and stages that you go through. So hopefully if someone's newly diagnosed or In that process This is going to make you feel a little bit less alone. Do you think that some of these are still relevant? Do you still think that do have quite emotional moments. I've forgotten what all ten are. Yeah. Fine. All right, Sall I start with number one? Yeah Probably the most obvious one the moment that your entire life starts to make sense I can relate to that one as well any sort of neurodivergence or diagnosis especially if it comes late For me that was my whole life feeling can It's like a really, really rubbish human So you just fully believe like fully believe you are just rubbish on legs And nothing would ever change that view of yourself because all of the evidence point that You are bad at adulting, you're bad at things other people find easy And then the moment First moment when someone mentions to you Oh It like floods in, doesn't it? And you know, you talk about being late diagnosed, which we technically both are. I was forty, you were mid thirties? Late thirties, yeah. We've had comments of people getting diagnosed late sixties, early seventies so that it must be crazy moment in their life where it's wr my ual entire life makes me sad though if I'm so okay with the fact that I used to hate myself and think I was an awful person therapy. but I can't I can't stand the thought that like other people with IDHD lived most of their lives feeling that way and it's not their fault And what does so obviously You know, you've gone through your whole life, mid thirties or forties or however old you are, you get diagnosed it all starts to make sense. How would what would you describe that emotionally as In the first moment, it is like shock and awe because you're like What do you mean? I'm not broke. No, this can't bro. You mean I'm not the worst person alive. It's really very, very confronting in an amazing way. for me like that first acknowledgement of ADHD. was amazing. It was like so beautiful. so yeah. I think the first thing is really positive. Yeah, I agree. It was quite surreal for me. It was almost like a bit of an out of body experience. It was like, okay, cool, well bear in mind I thought I was making it all up like going in. Oh your autism. Yeah. Oh yeah. You start like ye you start really going in on yourself like I'm an imposter. this isn't real, this isn't and then you get like really scared and blah blah. So yeah, it's when I got it, I Even though, right? for like two years before I was Diagnosed by everyone who follows us Look, I was the last to know And even when I'd come round to the fact, actually, yeah, think I think I really am autistic. let me go and explore this Even though I hadd been happy with it for maybe a couple of years, It's still then triggered all of the like it made sense. It still like flashedb to everything. It it was crazy Okay So point number two. relief versus Grief So finally having the answers U versus morning and sadness Yeah, I think that's maybe the bit people donon't warn you about combination. I think the relief is quite obvious. Hey you're not the worst person alive. Oh, I'm relieved. like Yes, like that's amazing All of these things that you've beating yourself up about hated yourself So much for all there is now It's like a clinical explanation. You don't have to hate yourself anymore It's amazing It was like a massive weight is lifted Off your shoulders you have a Language to describe your struggles, you find other people going through it, you realise you're not alone Oh Amazing grief part of it is very, very real. So I was just talking about a can't stand the fact of say if someone was sixty or seventy and they've gone their whole life hating themselves being roganness That is so sad For me You know, it's difficult because I think it was so It was so positive Our relationship for me to my work. I mean, this was twenty twenty one twenty twenty one was the year. AHD love work started and began to do well and I started to music again twenty twenty one and it started to do well and we started writing books like This knowledge changed everything for me because it meant I could finally express myself and go after my dreams without feeling shame that I didn't deserve to show up. Yeah, but I guess That's the reason for the grief as well because it's like Oh, all this good stuff's happening now and it's such a springboard to go and do all this awesome stuff. I've got all this this explanation of how I work What would have happened if I knew twenty years ago? That's probably where the grief comes from, right Yeah You know I take a small thing, which is music B in twenty twenty one very late to start a music project and very Lucky I got a second chance. But yeah, what might have it look like? I tried numerous times in my twenties, had I known and had I been able to the right support around me, I just blamed myself for it. working out and That can be quite difficult. alsoso like relationship issues and just being an absolute fool, you know? L as an absolute fool. impulsive and reckless. I think when you know, like knowledge is power, you can make your life a bit better say I think it's important to talk about Two pieces of the puzzle, relelief Lovely, you have an explanation, you can get support, you've got language, you can find community and grief all of those years that you spent alone strruggling, hating yourself gettingetting into terrible situations might been easier Yeah D you know? I mean, I go down rabbit holes when it comes to stuff like that and grieving like what would have life been like if I'd have known earlier and stuff like that because obviously of course slideing doors moment, I wouldn't be I wouldn't have met you like it. It would have just been a completely different life path, but I'm not going into that because I won't be able to shut up about it if I do. So I'm going to move on to point number three I can relate to this one as well. So point number three, replaying childhood relationships and mistakes, but through a different lens Okay, so I'll start with Childhood Yeah, that is makes so much sense. I was kid in school that was potential but doesn't apply herself quQite naughty You know I talking in class and not doing my homework until the night before always late to school, even though I lived two minute walk from school. Messy school bag always losing stuff it was labelled a gifted kid was in a lot of like special classes. Well you could just turn up, couldn't you the night before? Despite all of those problems probably excel. At school, it runs out after school and that's a shock to the system. but I think everyone sees giftedness and they label that ability to quickly learn Iye on anxiety is giftedness. It's not It's a survival mechanism. But people don't see the messy bedroom and the lateeness and the school bag Nobody wants to look at that You know, I did a lot of hobbies. I was always busy I a lot of fingers and a lot of pies Why does that not surprise me? You've got your lots of fingers in your different adult pies nowadays. That's true. So yeah, just It makes so much sense also just like highly sensitive or deep thinker even as a evenven as the kids, say Yo and I look back I just kind of wish that the struggles that I had given as much focus as where I excelled And I understand why it's not you don't want to give your kid an identity of their struggles. you want to push them towards where they excel, but what that did for me was meant the struggles mean I'm bad and I'm not lovable. Doing well means I'm good and I'm loved. So I developed a sort of sense of self which is like unless I'm not achieving worth anything and I still struggle with it Yeah That's childhood relationships, my God or hello. like tenen, one year relationships. I'm lucky number ten Or lucky number eleven, you might be. I'm not going to count them up now of but. I know it was an age old say in anyway, lucky number eleven slided in seamlessly. But I look back to that and look, I don't want to oversimplified all ADHD I also had lot of issues that I needed therapy for relating to what I saw growing up and what that did to me in my own attachment and ability to trust, there are other things, but A huge part of ADHD is Novelty Llimerance, getting bored, all that jazz.' I just it over and over again Never learning. Like why can I not stay in it L term relationship. Why am I running towards the next shiny Man or woman You know, but I know now It's okay Yeah might' be doingaking that again? And mistakes. Yeah I've made a few made more than a few. drug addiction Nowco call ifting, running a shoplifting ring. twenty different jobs, fired from jobs, been arrested. Paid militeracy bill, CCJs getting in debt. I mean, yeah, just I was a mistake on legs. It's like wking through life And I look back and I think, So many of those mistakes. was just an unsupported kid with ADHD living in this world, trying to hide it, didn't know how to ask for help, didn't think I deserved help because I thought it was all my own fault. Yeah And thus quite sad I need support. What about you? Uh yeah, I quite quite a deep thinker. So yeah, after my diagnosis, I was replaying I was replaying everything but more for me, it wasn't necessarily Um you know, relationships and mistakes specifically, but it was more like Just me and the perception of me either from others or myself. It was like it sort of leads me into the next one actually, but it was bit of that was my autism and that really That really explains that course course and similarly to your relationships. We've got personalities as well. which is the next point. So was any of your personersality likeike actually me. Or is it this neurodivergence that is that why I am the way I am? It's really difficult to think about. It is E That's part of the identity crisis. So How do you pick a partart is actually truly who you are What was masking? what is ADHD? and You know, I've overthought this for M, many years, I don't think that you can pull it apart because it's all It is all you. I agree. I think it's unhelpful ulling it apart. For me it is anyway. Well you can't, you try and pull out the ADHD and you realise it's It is you you know, we say ADHD or autism, but That is you, that is part of your incredibly complicated conscious makeup. May they just get to take it out. Maybe a nice way to frame it is the autism or the ADHD to explain you. rather than Yeah helps to explain you I think in terms of masking defefinitely something that's confronting say you know, for you, you would have thought you were a really sociable person because used to peopleople at work can drink. and you've realized that you are not at all. you like to stay in and quiet and you don't like other people and you don't like loud sounds So like that is a huge change. but for me There were so many bits of my personality that were masking, that were pretending And I sometimes still struggle with it, you know? Like I sometimes catch myself being loud or like bit like this, you know? Yeah. And I'm like, o, I'm so annoying, I need to calm down. I still You know, shave off the edges of myself sometimes I guess it's a learning curve When you find out that you on you're at a Vverent, you will have to Meet yourself like again and again. Try not to get lost in it. Down in the overthinking. You have to meet yourself again and again And as you start to bring in more support You will start to like Be more you as cringe as it sounds? Well, I think for me it was one be more me, but two be a lot more unapologetically me. Wow, that was a big word for me. You got it Thanks. It was there was no shame around why I'm being like I'm being. That was a big thing for me. because I being proud of my personality because I understand it more rather than haaving to fit in with social norms that I felt on the outside of, it's like It really helped me with the identbsol. because you struggled with feeling rude or not caring about family birthdays or talking with people. and it's giving you freedom to sort of to not feel rude or horrible, but like that's what you need to be okay. Well and do the things that you've mentioned it, you know, I'm not really a social Butterfly and more of an antis social butterfly. but I've started my gardening era. and you had to get me in from the garden yesterday because it was smashing down with rain and I was still out there just puttering around and you were like, they what you don't need to do this. I know, but I love that fear Right, point number five, the anger phase. So more specifically sort of feeling failed, whether that be. parents, teachers, those sorts of relationships, your caregivers, being a bit angry. It's difficult for me because I I grew up in the eighties sort of had ADHD, but maybe like one Naughty boy, maybe Both my parents were teachers, they kind of knew about it. It just wasn't, I don't know, it wasn't on the agenda. We didn't have the awareness. that we do now don't tend to be angry This school Agry at my parents differentere reasons, maybe I'm probably more angry now because even now my dad says it's not real and it's like, but this has helped me so much. It's changed my life and But that's, you know, that's his commitment It obviously means a lot to him to believe It's not real. And it's a different time I don't think I'm angry with particular people, I like more I more get angry on a broad scale about expectations of humans and what it means to be normal and acceptable. And so get I get annoyed at that. I get angry at that Now like angry that society places all these expectations on people of what it means to be nice or polite or sociable and that often excludes Quite a lot of yeah A lot of neurodivergentiew was same actually. I hate the way that If you struggle with cleanliness or timekeeping You're just sayingers lazy or disgusting It's really, really horrible on how life is set up to you know, go to school, get a job H one job for a long time, get promoted then retire shames ADHD people are like I'm quite angry at that too. Yeah, and for me it would be odd. I'd be the odd person because I would be the one being really direct or whatever. and it's like that that would be the label. right before I go into number six, a quick word from our sponsors If you have ADHD or other types of neurodivergence, there is a chance that you have got sensory sensitivity, which is a posh way of saying that your ears can hurt if it gets a bit loud. So we are so lucky on the late Bloomers podcast to be sponsored by the amazing loop earplugs. It's something that Rich and I both love, wear and will not leave the house without and all of our listeners twenty percent off. We have got loop earplugs for every situation, whether you use the loop quiet, if you're taking a nap, the loop engage, if you're going out for dinner or the loop experience. if like me, you're dragging your partner to a rock conert simply go to the show notes of this podcast or the link in our bio to get your twenty percent off all of our favorite loop earplugs. Right to it with number six, I think that maybe many people watching or listening to this can maybe relate You become obsessed with ADHD content on the internet I mean, yeah. Well podcast, you were listen to you consonsumed everything, didn't you Tit up W wait before you've just this is really niche and I'm sure no one will understand this, but let me know if you do It made me think of Johnny Name Oh my go, I can't remember his name in short circuit two. There's a robot It's like info, info, ino and just chomping on all the books. That's what you remind me of. You could you couldn't ingest information about ADHD quick enough So obviously part of ADHD is hyperfoccusus When you first find out you've got ADHD or you think you have your hyperfocus on ADHD, your life will become ADHD. Gish you like whole world exists that explains my life perfectly means that I don't have to hate myself or beat myself up Oh my God, I want to know Every And I think that is so that's just part of having ADHD. a very Inquisitive mind and you like researching and you like to know about things. So the hyperfocus phase Johnny five. is the name of the robot. Thankase. I was worrying actually happened to you? did you So was I? I think I think because I do the job that I do with you I've been so exposed and deep in that world more than most people, I would assume because our whole job is about neurodivergence. So I feel like That's been happening I've probably done it the other way around. And that's probably what led me to get diagnosed actually. Also you've got to C. so you knew from a very young age. Yeah. What it was, you just hadn't made the connection Which is crazy. because you're the same person. Yeah, Yeah, that doesn't make a huge amount of sense. and Right number seven. this is quite funny ation to make ADHD your whole identity Mm Bame everything on ADHD.. Sorry, what? Wait, what This is quite big, right? So It's huge. It's huge. It's a little bit confronting, I won't lie. Yeah I mean, I quite frankly have made NHD. my entire personality because It's all I talk about on the internet Yeah, but my a challenge would be That's the only place you do talk about it as much as you do. It will obviously come up when we argue about wear again shelf or whatever or the do in the kitchen or whatever, but it's not All you talk about I don't think, not in actual life. No. I think when In twenty twenty one, I think it probably was. There's a period of a few months where it is just like That's Yeahah, that's when it probably tow into blaming everything on ADHD Maybe That was probably like the first year. Yeah. It's almost like Pendulum I used to believe I was awful and broken and the worst person alive, bad adult, disgusting Why not if you've got AHD in the pendulum swings the other way o it's all ADHD. I'm late because of ADHD. I'm messy because of ADHD struggle with this because it AHD You almost go too far And although yes, it can explain behaviourors, you also want to learn how to Hope and make it through So over the years, you've learned to kind of C into the middle which is I might be messy because of ADHD. I need to find the support and techniques. to help me to not be because it's important for my mental health and that of people that I live with so You have to find a way to sort of really validated and helped by it, but not be stuck there Yeah that we have to want to Row It's like growing with it This is this is like part about what's personality and what's ADHD again, right? Because it would be really easy to be like, I can't do this, I've got ADHD. I can't possibly do this whereas you reallyally I think the best way I can I've used this example a few times, but it was like an untidy room, right? difference between you sccrolling TikTok on your phone going No I can'turly upgradeHD executive Dysfunction lll rather than standing at the front of the room. being like, I really want this to be tidy, but I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to start Can you help me? There's a difference in those two things. And I can do both. I can definitely be a like exxecive dysfunction lull quQeen. Yeah Okay, number eight why diagnosis doesn't automatically fix you and actually can make it worse to start with Yes, I think didn't You get the diagnosis and you think, well now I know everything's going to be Fine because you've gone through that relief and Realizing that you deserve support and it's not your fault then You still have to live Live and build a beautiful life with the same braid So it doesn't really See anything. it can change the way you see yourself And over time that can fix your self esteem and concept and your support network You never The ADHD, that's always there. Or mine was even worse than that. And I'm not lying about this. I got worse. I made a video about it. Mine was like, I regressed. I became more autistic, like after being diagnosed That's really common because you finally have Permission to allow those parts of you to be seen. So it's really common that people's symptoms might get worse After a diagnosis can be a bit destabilizing because you've tried desperately your whole life cover, to fix, to hide to pretend, and then suddenly they're like bursting through the dam. It's like you lose your ability to hide it into mask and that's actually quite destabilising. Yeah, and really annoying. Like the way my brain works is Let's use an example of a sensory issue or whatever clearing some mush up from the sink. like which I can't do it now. L I can't actually do it. and it's not me saying to someone else, I can't do it. If I'm home alone, I'm like, I can't do this, the sink needs to be tidy. It's grossing me out too much. But my logical brain is like, well, you've done it for forty years So what the hell are you doing? It's really annoying for me is but I think it again is sometometimes It's oversimplified that you just need to get an ADHD diagnosed And you're gonna to know then it's going to be fine. It's like, no That is like step one of a really long journey. Things are going to change, they might get worse, they might get better And you kind of have to just commit to doing life withith this knowledge now But yeah, it's sort of like a warning to people. like it doesn't, don't expect a diagnosis to fix anything. Yeah. but Use it as a tool to get the support that you need Yeah Okay, nine. Learning to rebuild your whole life around how your brain works I think this is probablyb the most important work that you can do with a diagnosis. This is How diagnosis can be used well You use that knowledge to rebuild Your life to stop trying to be neurotypical and to live with your neurodivergence and build a life that supports it celebrates it, protects you from the worst partarts of it. so for me, I can't have one job I would be so bored, so I need to have multiple jobs. Fine I'm not going to ever go and have one office job. I tried to do it many times, never again. I need novelty, multiple things, tapping in and out That works and I'm able to build that I also know that I lose my keys all the time so I don't have keys. We have a lock boox now That's like a protection mechanism. I know that I run late so when I'm going somewhere important, I go two trains early So what you do is You start trying to fix or hide or get rid of and you live with as if it's here every day and you build what works and actually That's the change. The ADHD doesn't change. the life you build around it changes And that's where like I don't know like happiness and success can come from. Hence me wandering around in the rain in the garden yesterday. You love Being in the garden, working with your grass robot that's trimming the grass Doing flower beds, you're really internet. You want hours out there Robotic la do that? sorry, robotic la robot Do that instead of What you, you know, maybe watching the football or going to the pub, like you like your more Nerdy and I mean that is a compliment things now. Babe, I take it as a compliment You don't socialize, you don't go out I want to You don't really speak to people very often, you don't keep in touch That's okay. That is what works for you. So it's Yeah, I just I see it so clearly in my head that can be the exact same person The neurodivergence never changes, but the environment around you does and that's what difference maker. There is a select few people that I do socialise with, you know J to select view, but it's just got smaller Your friend Matt, who you play golf with It Garf is a special interest. I like spending time with Max podcast editor. N not just saying that because he's looking at me now I know that you wouldn't do that, cos you. Now you wouldn't play that social norm game, would you, Be M Okay, number ten, finale You go from what's wrong with me to a position of understanding and forgiveness. Probably the central message of Every video that we make and book that we've written Is that It's you have to move from I hate myself to I understand myself. I kind of vibe with myself And that sounds quite lighthearted and simple. That can take years. Self hatred is deep rooted. It often comes with a heavy shame There is