Taskmaster Experiences and Personal Stories

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Today was the opening of a dedication to the Obama Presidential Library, which featured performan areia.. Which featured performances by Bruce Springsteeen, Commen, John Legend, Eddie Vetter, Stevie Wonder and Bono. Oh my God, and Trump couldn't even get Milly Vanilli last week. From thirty Rockefeller Plaza in New York City, please enjoy this podcast edition of Late Night with Seth Myers. On today's show, Seth chats with actor and comedian, Kumae Naniani But first, a closer look. Donald Trump is facing criticism from all sides over his vague and confusing Iran deal. with some Republicans blaming JD Vance and insisting that Trump wasn't really involved. For more on this, it's time for a closer look remember, Trump made it clear when he ran for president that the era of regime change and nation building was over. We will abandon the policy of reckless regime change. We're going to stop the reckless and costly policy of regime change overseas. Our policy of never ending war Reime change and nation building is being replaced by the clear eyed pursuit of American interest. We believe that the job of the United States military is not to wage endless regime change wars around the globe. We' can end these endless wars, endless wars ourur current strategy of nation building And regime change is a proven Absolute failure. It's stupid. Endless wars, endndless wars that They don't even want us. You know, we got into wars. they didn't even want us. It's true. Although if you stopped going places where people didn't want you, you wouldn't leave the house. I mean, you've been booed at the Kennedy Center, the US Open, the FIFA Tournament, a Washington Commander game, a restaurant DC and the NBA fininals. The booze are so constant, I'm starting to wonder if you're just constantly surrounded by ghosts would explain why you're the only one who can see RFK Junior I I notfinished business. I have ten pounds of kangaroo meat left in my freezer. Here's the thing Trump was right, but he was also fully It's what's known among scientists at the Trump paradox. He knows what people want to hear, but he has no intention of actually giving it to them. He's like an ice cream truck that plays the jingle and then everyone comes running over and all he has is an ice cube on a stick. People were tired of pointless regime change wars, which is why they were willing to listen when he said things like this. After spending trillions of dollars overseas rebuilding other countries It is time to rebuild our own country and to take care of our citizens The money that we've spent overseas Not to mention in the Middle East, where as of two months ago, we had spent seven trillion dollars And yet If we have to fix a road, we can't fix it. we have to fix A tunnel. We don't do it because we don't have the money. We spent seven trillion dollars in the Middle East, it's ridiculous. Yeah, I agree with you. But do you agree with you? because It's been eight years since that clip, but as far as I'm aware, you haven't fixed a single road or tunnel. You can't even clean up Cool That's supposed to be the reflecting pool. It looks like the Ki pond at Greay Gardens The only thing it looks like it's reflecting is the Hulk' bulsack You'll never unsee it In fact not only have we not fixed anything, we're once again spending a lot of money on nation building and another pointless war in the Middle East. We have the greatest military anywhere in the world We have the strongest, most powerful Look at the blockade. byy the way, the blockade was more impactful than all of the bombing raids where we dropped billion dollars worth of bombs on Iran. So we spent a billion dollars on bombs and it didn't even accomplish anything. That's bad. That's not something you should say out loud. That's like Hannibal Lecter saying, Yeah, I ate two guys, but they didn't even taste good Also, my man, it wasn't just a billion. At one point, it was a billion per day. The first week of the war alone cost eleven billion dollars. And that was back in March. That's almost as much as it's gonna to cost to rebuild New York after the next parade. I mean, I assume I we're in midtown nowhere near the parade and it has been spookily empty here today. I mean, half the city was at this parade. It's like the raptture. My staff is gone But But I got here and asked Wally to show me the cue cards and he didn't move, and then it turned out it was just a mannequin with a tape recorder Gohead sir I'm just kidding you guys, Wally's a not at the parade because he's a Celtics fan. Everybody boo Wally U We went out and got Wally the newest hat. Look at how new Wally's headat is We told Wallie, he was like, can I keep it? I'm like, No. We're gonna return it as soon as a closer looks over But when while he gets booed, he knows how Trump feels. The point is Trump told us the era of nation building and expensive wars was over, but it sounds like we're right back where we started. If Iran complies with the memorandum of understanding, it will be rewarded. Possible rewards include twenty four billion dollars in frozen Iranian assets. Those benefits could include relief from US sanctions and access to a three hundred billion dollars reconstruction fund created by Iran's Arab neighbors. The Iranians are saying that they're going to have access to a three hundred billion dollar reconstruction fund, trrue or false Well, and that's the sort of thing they could have access to funded by the Gulf Coast Coalition so long as they honor their end of the obligations Cool, can we get a three hundred billion dollars reconstruction fund? You see, we have been promised a tunnels We need one big enough for Mitchell Robinson to get his truck through. Dude rode his own truck in the parade instead of afloat. How awesome is that Unfortunately, he did park it in a loading zone The point is Vance says Iran will only get three hundred billion dollars if they honor their end of the obligation. Can you at least tell us what their end of the obligation is? What is in this deal? It's a great deal for a lot of reasons. But number one, by far, ninety nine point nine percent is they will never have a nuclear weapon. And you can't give Iran a nuclear weapon And they will never have a nuclear weapon. So that's very, very strong It's a very strong deal. Nobody knows what it is, but it's very strong What do you mean nobody knows What it is? Why not? is it written in Zodiac code Is it a diplomatic agreement or the list of herbs and spices Also, it's an agreement. With agreements, the key is that everyone knows what it is for the purposes of the agreeing. This is like if you said to your bride, I'm just gonna do my vows in my head. Why won't you say them out loud Of course, what's more likely is you don't know, but somebody does because the Iranians seem to know very well. They're bragging about this deal. likeike they just sold Trump a fake handbag in Chinatown. It's a very strong deal. I only paid one hundred thirty dollars and I got a premium handbag from my favorite company, Cch You can tell it's real because it's made from a raccoon skin Couch backags have the same texture as my upper body Seriously, can you tell us what like exactly does this deal do? On Sunday, we reached an agreement with Iran that achieves everything we set out to accomplish, everything, and much more endnding the current conflict, reopening The Strait of Harmoth and preventing Iran from ever obtaining a nuclear weapon. Wait, So the three goals of the deal to end the war were ending the war, reopening a strait that was already open before we started the war, preventing Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon, which they had already agreed not to obtain under the deal you ripped up, which started the war that closed the strait, which you reopened by ending the war you started. Had a worse headache? currently have a worse headache than the Kicks the morning after they won the title And at least they won something. In fact, they won fifteen of the last sixteen games they played and the only one they lost was the one you were at and they only lost. because they were so distracted by all your snoring. This is Inane. Can't you give us any more specifics about this deal? mrter. President, when will the text of the MOU be released I think pretty soon I would say I mean, I want it to be released because it's a very powerful document. It's not like the Obama document, which was just a terrible document. It's a very powerful document. Heres what it says Iran will never have a nuclear weapon. That's where it says. They'll not only release it I'll probably have a press conference and read it to you word by word. Every president in history knew what mattered was in the document how it would be read or where it would be read, just what was in it. Meanwhile, this dude's talking about everything, but it's a great document printed on Eight and a half by eleven inch paper Multiple p. So there is a staple and we slid it into a manilla envelope, we love We love the manilaves with a little clasp They figured it out, you go like this and then there's a little hole And then you push them down and then you can shake it and the document' a good document, veryer powerful so please don't read it word for word. Just release it. You can barely read your own state of the Union. I can't listen you slur your way through a highly technical diplomatic agreement like a guy reading the back of a Nikequill bottle after chugg and half of it. Listening to you is like being a toddler and watching your elderly grandfather read you a bedtime story. Good night? Let's seear where was I Good night. I know I I know it's here a good night moon, old man Just give me the book. It really sounds to me like Trump hasn't even read the memorandum of understanding he signed, but what do I know? I'm just a crooked left wing hatater with Trump derrangement syyndrome. Certainly, the people who talk to Trump know better. So this big memorandum of understanding comes out. I've talked to Jared Kushner, I've talked to Steve Witcooff, I've talked to the president, I've talked to everybody and I don't think a memorandum of understanding means a thing. And the president, I tend to listen to the president's words And because that is final anyway. I don't even think the president saw the memorandum of understanding to be very blunt with you. Are you basing that on as lack of general understanding But wait, if he didn't even see it, how does he know it's a very powerful document? Oh my Godd, are you saying Trumpideide,ide. But here you guys were the ones who said Joe Biden never knew what his own administration was up to. In fact, Republicans hate this deal so much they're doing exactly what they criticizeed Biden for. They're saying that actually Trump's people are the ones who are in charge and Trump himself doesn't really know what's going on. This MOU appears to be just from the text, a disaster that does not achieve any of the actual signal goals that were set by the administration at the beginning vice presresident of the United States, the chief negotiator on this particular project has not well served the president. I just wonder if the vice presresident who was against this byy all reports was against the conflict to begin with Maybe wasn't the right person to bring this conflict to an end. This is his deal It's not the presresident's deal And it's his deal and Steve Woodcoff and Jared Cushion together I just hope they didn't let the president down because the president's putting a lot of stock in them. R. And he has to he can't do everything himself. I just hope they didn't let him down So Netanyahu tricked him into the war and now JD Vance tricked him out of the war, and you think he's doing a good job? Why? Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like he's a pushover. Does he fall for phishing scams too? I bet he calls the Social seecurity offices twice a week asking for a new number. Yeah, I texted the old one to someone because they said I had unclaimed lottery money Well, I know it's a skim now, Steve So if the deal works, Trump will get the credit. and if it doesn't work, JD will get the blame. This is a reminder to JD Vance. They call you Trump's number two because he's gonna treat you like The iron law of Trump is that Trump will always betray everyone around him. You will never get what you want out of him. He's the human equivalent of a cursed monkeypaw. You're there to cover for his screw ups. You're the refs, he's Wemby, but America's gonna to make a comeback because America is the Nix, baby. It never should have happened and this deal just proves that. It doesn't accomplish anything Trump claimed he was trying to accomplish. Maybe Americans got something out of this war, but if they did, nobody knows what it is. This has been a closer look Insurance isn't one size fits all That's why customers have enjoyed progressives name your price tool for years now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options Visit progressive. com Find a rate that works for you with the nameame Your prrice tool. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates, price and coverage match limited by state law Myur guest tonight is an Oscar nominated writer and an Emmy nominated actor. you know from movies such as The Big Sick and Eternals, as well as shows like Silicon Valley and welcome to Chipping Dales's stand up special Night Thoughts is streaming on Hulu, Let's take a look We've decided you're going to be the first person we mock for getting in shape. Whatu G happen. civilization Why me Oh he got abs, one and more on. What Who changed the rules? Why didn't anybody give me a heads up? Do you know how hard this was? I have not smelled cake in years And now I know all of you are waiting for me to go back to how I was. What to make you so happy? If I go back to how I was. So now I'm stuck in this prison because I don't want to give you the satisfaction. Let'slcome back to the show our friend Kum Nagani everybody I'm so happy you're here. Thank you. you're a very handsome guy, S. I mean, you're very hands. And you have style. I have no style. I wore pants that are very big But that's style. Shiny jacket. I love it. If it was really style, I would not have brought it up immediately. That's true. People with style aren't like, L this up Oh my God, it's so shiny. I look great. Yeah. Emily, my wife said, you could pull this off. I mean as long as you don't mention it. Yeahnip You're like somebody. You're like a really good safe crracker, but you can't stop talking about how you're a safe crracker. H we go. They're like, we can bring him on the heist, but he's very shy. The entire time. fourteen, seventeen. I get caught because you know, they have microphones. By the way, we're doing a show and we interviewed a FBI person who specialized in catching bank robbers. And she said, If you don't bring your cell phone with you, we're never gonna catch you. Really? So that's a tip If you're in airplane mode, you can do whatever you want. I'm very you and Emily, very exciting back in New York City full time. Yeah, we are. This is you love twenty ten and a credit to you, I mean, again, the key to comedy is timing, your timing couldn't be better coming back to New York. I know, Brown Mor, Nick's win. Yeah for me to come back.. I think it's safe. Yeah, you know. And actually, Mandani mentioned me in an interview with the New York Times and it was more exciting to my family than when I got nominated for an Oca. Yeah. The family WhatsApp went nuts. They were so excited, but I have not yet M him, so what's my what's my camera? Yeah, just take right over there. All right. No, no, that's not lck.'s that way. Mandani? Naniani. Let's make a connection. I don't know I mean, how busy could he be? I know. The city runs itself. It does. By the way, he didn't just like mention you. It is again he literally like would go to UCB and see comedy shows and like saw you do stand upp and like eight. He's an improv guy. How does he feel that he's raised the bar so significantly?' an improv guy. Yeah. You were like, I'm doing pretty good Nep, you could be mayor. You could be mayor It was very exciting. I knew in advance you were doing this, you did one of my favorite shows, Task Master. great It's a competition show. And they were very excited. I mean, our friend Jason Manzukus had done it, but they were very excited you came over. just need to clarify again, I was gonna do it before Jason Manszukas. Jason has been spreading that I became a fan because of him. That is not true. Yeah. Well, the good news is I don't believe a single thing Jason Manzukus said. Right. Yeah. I just want America to know he's alive Yeah But you went over there, they were very excited. You showed up. The comedians over there, the British comedians. were they sort of kept talking about how famous how nice it was to have a famous comedian. Yeah, I didn't know this. but when I met them first, I left the room and they were like, he's so famous. And I didn't know that until months later when I watched the task seted down, but what I didn't love is people on the internet arguing he's not that famous I didn't say anything. Why am I being n? Right, Like people in the comment section of this interview can say whatever they want about your clothes ' you mentioned it. That's right. Yeah. But on taskmaster, like you got go off He brought it up, G on. Is this okay You you talk and your're special. We had a great. Uh huh, we If you're wondering where your foot camera is, I think it's three. All right Donny, Th these are like pajamas. Let's make a connection. Yeah, I did some crazy stuff on Taskmaster. Well, there was a moment where they asked you to do something brave. and when they asked you, that's the moment where I'm like, God, I'm so I love this show. I'm so happy I'm not a contestant on the show. Yeah. Do something brave is harrowing Yeah, and what I did, I let Alex, who's the host of the show go through my internet history. and I didn't change anything and I really let him actually go through it. And a couple things I thought that the most embarrassing thing would be all the porn.ust like the volume, just and frequency of Yes and people knowing exactly what I'm into, you know, like what I was feeling that day. People on the shoe will be like, I saw your task master. I'm like, oh, you know exactly the things that I'm looking up. But the porn was embarrassing, but more embarrassing was the Googling myself 'Cause you know, you take myself out to dinner and then it's time for dessert, baby I also want to clarify one of the things that I did look for was free mature women. Yeah. I'm an ally. But YouTube's caption said I was looking for premature women. Yeah. And I want to clarify that was free, I'm cheap. Yeah. I'm not a scumbat. Yeah. No my takeaway was just frugality, you know? I was like, this is a guy, I just didn't wanna like bring a credit card into this situation, you know R I was like all these mature women who are locked up, get them out Yeahah. Let's emancipate the mature women online. Haven't they been through The funny thing about not wanting to get a credit card involved is like my fear would be like somebody would like, you know with that access would maybe be able to release to the world like what I was watching, and then that happened to you anyway. Yeah, Iess I guess already the worst thing that could have happened, I just volunteered. Yeah. But if they looked at your internet history, what would that be s? I also just Google you God, Dity's too good. And all it's always like buffering 'cause I think you're on there But like porn wise, what kind of? You know what? I would love to spend this time talking about your Sgway?. What a segway. Oh L, this is biscuit. You lost your beloved bagel. Rest and peace bagel. Yes, Rest and peace. And biscuit you have referred, this in your words as a dumbass Yeah, she's a very stupid little girl. Yeah. Like like sort of observably stupider than Bagel? Yeah, Bagel sort of had this like quiet dignity about her. She drinks from the toilet. Okay. She farts a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not dumb. That's just I think, like intestinal stuff