Navigating Vulnerability and Boundaried Connection

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR Hey, it's Maryelle I think we've all been to a gathering where we were bored out of our skulls or the conversation felt stiff and awkward. where we found ourselves daydreaming about being Anywhere else, reallyally, but preferably at home tucked into bed. But what about the reverse the dinner party where people are actually connecting where folks are interesting and interested whereere the room sparkles with possibility How do we get there Start by throwing a gathering. you want to attend post something that literally makes you giggle, makes you be like, Yeah, I want to do that Kria Parker is a conflict resolution facilitator, and author of the book The Art of Gathering In it, she says, it's important to be intentional about gathering And to understand why we're actually bringing a particular group of people together Now she says the sky's the limit when it comes to gathering Most of us are bored with the same old thing. And so when you get invited to like Anne's party where she her like rug that she bought in Istanbul on her solo vacation post divorce finally arrived and she wants to like roll it out and it's literally like two feet by four feet. It's like a delightful invitation. But there's more to it than that, right? Once you're actually at a gathering, whether you're the host or you're an attendee, How do you make the room sparkly You might try something Priya calls magical questions. A magical question is a question opposed to a group Everybody in that group would be interested in answering And Everyone is interested in hearing each other's answers Prius says we can think of magical questions as conversational doorknobs, a way to meaningfully connect with other people without having to agree or have the same tastes or life experiences On this episode of Life Kit What makes a magical question How to come up with one, how to offer it to a group And how to decide on your answer And don't worry, we will give you plenty of examples It's easy to feel overwhelmed by skincare advice. Somewhere along the way, skincare got complicated and started to feel like a job But what products and treatments will actually lead to healthier skin Lifekit made a special newsletter series to answer that question Sign up at npR d. org slash skincare or find the link in the description for this episode Okay forria. What makes something a magical question A magical question is specific. It invites people to not give their opinion usually, but to give a story A magical question also complicates the individual I'm a conflict resolution facilitator, and one of the things that I've learned over many years is you know often we try to think that the best way to relieve conflict It's to try to pretend that a group is the same And actually, one of the best ways to kind of allow for connection is instead to complicate the individual And so an example of a question that complicates the individual could be, what are three gifts you would give aliens on behalf of humanity M, I like that one. Right? Or when is the last time you used glitter When is the last time you blew up a balloon with your own mouth What is a favorite building in your community Questions that allow people to share their experiences and that often give unexpected answers. An one, what is a path almost took Takeaway one, magical questions are interesting to everyone in a group They're specific. They invite people to tell a story, and they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality or life experiences Here's another one Priya shared on her Instagram One hundred years from now, there's a seance to conjure your spirit. Which three items would they use? To me, this question' interesting because it's fun, but it also acknowledges a deep, often taboo topic that we're all gonna to die someday You might learn that some folks in your group believe in an afterlife, and others don't Also, when people list out their objects They're telling you what they prize and how they see themselves What's a good way to follow up on a magical question. like How do you use that new knowledge you learned about someone to Deepen the connection One of my favorite magical questions to ask is what was the first concert you went to and who took you? And I often do this in teams or in large town halls. and immediately you see this like, you know, dozens of answers like Tony Braxton, Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, new kids on the block and First of all, it helps people feel like It's not just a blob, it's a group of individuals. But second of all, in all group life, Th Th things get hard, when there's conflict, as there inevitably is in all groups And you know something about somebody, right? Like they went to the same concert I went to, or they went to a Tony Braxon concert. How bad can they be pick up the phone and call them whether you're in a group of friends, whether you're running a team meeting, whether you're like at an airport in a layover and you're stuck for twelve hours and you like are done with your phone This is like it's a muscle to begin to be able to help people meaningfully connect and then have a jumping off point for all types of other conversations A lot of what you've described so far It's somewhat subtle and u And casual, right? just you bring out the question, but you don't roll out the red carpet first and say I'm about to ask you all a magical question Do you ever recommend that though? L like if you're sitting around at a dinner party or something as an all of life Read the room Yeah. There are some places where L in some cultures or contexts or friend groups or like the group chat is like, Y'all, I heard about this, you know amazing thing called Magical questuions. Are you game? like, yes, tell me. in other places If it's anything that feels formal or like an ice brereaker, people are deeply allergic to. And so it's really deeply reading the room, but it's like it's knowing in your back pocket that you that you have the skills and it' it's skill anyone can learn, anyone can practice. to begin to ask, it's really asking, what is this group interested in? What are the individuals interested in? And at some levels, it's a deeply generous thing to know how to do. What is interesting within each of these people that you might be able to tap into, unlock and help them share with the room Legway two is to read the room This might be a group that would appreciate an icebreaker type prompt. Or it might be a group where you've got to be a little more subtle with your questions. Also, consider who's in the group because again, you want the questions to be relevant to everyone prompt Priya gave me that'll help you practice coming up with magical questions Imagine you're talking to a room full of dentists. What could you ask them some ideas What's a Halloween candy you love, but would never recommend to your patients? Who has your favorite smile? and why What do you think is the going rate for the tooth fairy When was the last time you flossed and What's your favor tooth See if you can come up with any of your own. or change the prompt What if you were talking to a bunch of journalists at NPR or a group of octagenarians It sounds like what's required is atunement and presence Yes, yes You know in the art of gathering, I talk a lot about the role of a host and People think about gathering as a source of connection and and meaning and it is, but gathering is also about power And as a host, you have power. And the role of the host is to practice what I call generous Authority So Generous authority. is you have a role, if you're going to bring people together to connect them to each other also to protect them from each other. R You' can get cornered all night by so and so, you know, when you don't want to be having this conversation or you're running a training and there's like one person who's asking all of the questions and won't pipe down. Like that's actually the host abdicating their role And so another thing if you're really going to start getting into these questions is what are questions They're equalizing What are questions that everyone might be able to answer? that everyone's going to lean in and wait for the answer, but also be really, really excited to share their own Okay, I have one for you Okay I went around the table at a a Mother's Day gathering with a bunch of women in my life and my sister in law, her family, I was thinking about my own body in therapy. and so I asked Everyone What is your favorite part of your body? I love that Did you share with them what you just shared with me, which is I'd been talking about my body in therapy? Did you give that context? So I believe that really matters. That That that anchors everyone to feel like this is not performative or controlling it it's from a well. curiosity in your own life. you're inviting them into your question. You're m it a shared question Right. It's like, this is something I think that my therapist might have asked me. And then I was like, I want to know what other people feel about this. And I loved that my sister in law's grandmother, she said everything. She loves every part of her body And part of what's so beautiful in that cross generational, intergenerational conversation Is this older woman Is saying something surprising counter intuitive. Wow, we can have a different story about aging Wow, It's okay to be a woman and love all parts of my body Wow. What a beautiful question We'll have more life kit. after the break Well, okay, I wantan to ask you one I'm just gonna borrow one actually from our show Wildcard I don't know if you know Wild Card with Rachel Martin. She basically their team came up with a bunch of magical questions, what you call magical questions. and it's a card game essentially because she has notable people on and they choose like one, two or three they turn the card around and they answer. And a lot of them, I think, align with how you've defined a magical question Here's one that I'd really like to hear your answer to Does the idea of an infinite universe excite or scare you Um, yes Both. Both I think the idea of an infinite universe excites me at some level because of its dynamism and its's and it's kind of full of possibility and ability to hold U But it also scares me or makes me feel sad because Meaning lies in specificity. Hm because Power lies within constraints I went to a beautiful play recently at the public theater called Sumo about the ancient hiarch art form of sumo wrestling. And in the playwrights letter, she quoted this artist who I have forget his name, but he said needeeds an address Hm Meaning like it needs a body.s you can't just you explore ide ideas, right needs a frame. You explore ideas of masculinity and hierarchy and identity and norms through six men in a sumo den trying to rise to the rings of this art form in a sweaty theater on Sixth Avenue. And so those question scares me in a sense because so much of what actually creates meaning and connection specificity is specific and in a moment and doesn't last forever. And so the infinite can sometimes feel Like it's overwhelming and that just being in one place is not enough when it actually is It's actually it's actually the way through Yeah, see, I feel like I just learned so much about you by the way you answered that what your interests are, but also how you think and For me, I would have just said it scares me So I liked hearing the other side of it, the possibility there. Takeaway three. You can learn a lot about people from their answers to magical questions. Luxuriate in that Don't just wait for your chance to have the floor. Pria says, by the way, there are some magical questions that seem to work in every room I mean, one of my favorite ones, someone recently said in When was the time you really went all in on celebrating something or someone Hm What did you do and what were you celebrating? Yeah to me my favorite phrase in that sentence is all in. You really went all in, notot when is the time you celebrated someone When was the time you really went all in And so even just like talking about a time where we went all in on something, gives us the energy and the memory of going all in on something. You know, I think there's something that happens when these questions come up If you're in a group You're also deciding which answer you want to give because there are different levels of vulnerability with each answer and also you're wondering, do I want to share this information with this group? How is it going to change the dynamic? How is it going to bring down the vibe? Because my honest answer to that. be that I went all in on celebrating last year when I finished breast cancer treatment And my family had a big party and then also I had a big picnic with friends. and it was beautiful and it was like something that felt like an accomplishment. I really felt like I saved my own life, you know. And I was willing and interested in letting my community in to that and and just like taking a beat to celebrate because it had been so hard It's beautiful It's beautiful. So there's two pieces. One is deepending on who is asking you that and where you are, and frankly, like You're mood at the moment. You may decide whether or not to grace people With that answer or to keep it for yourself And so even as guests in any situation, it's not like you have one, you have to answer this to A really good question also allows for choice, right? There's a range of answers. in some groups or on this podcast, you have enough trust. you've been through this ceremony, you're modeling vulnerability. You've chosen to share with us this beautiful moment. There may be other moments in which you keep that for yourself All of group life is an endless connection Creating a canvas or a platform and inviting people to both have the discernment about what to ask and the discernment about what to share and taking risks that feel reciprocal. In the workplace, when I work with leaders and teach magical questions, one of the most important skills I teach is what I call boundaried connection whichich is not connection for connection's sake. It's not bearing your soul, like to all of your colleagues endlessly. It's relevant connection, right? It's connection that what do you need to know about each other to work more effectively as a team What is relevant, appropriate Meingful, generous. to the group that helps them connect to each other, temporarily equalize, and also protect them from each other. All right, takeaway four when answering a magical question, consider how vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels appropriate in a given space. You don't have to give the first answer that comes to mind Don't be afraid to tell the group you need a moment to think of something And of course, you don't have to answer every question that's asked of you in general I love what you said too about keeping the answer for yourself because maybe I have I'm sure I could think of a different answer to that another time that I really went all in on celebrating. if I wasn't wanting to share that. detail with the group I still thought through the answer for myself and that's a little gift that I get to go home with Beautiful. yes Many of the gifts when you gather with intention and generosity, you don't even see. Ka, thank you so much. I've loved this conversation. Thank you so much for having me. I loved your questions. Thank you for hosting me so beautifully Time for a few more magical questions from Priya What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in your pocket What is one rule you had growing up that looking back now you think was completely unnecessary or even a little funny? And what topic could you give a twenty minute talk on with zero preparation Now a recap T takeaway one, magical questions are interesting to everyone in a group. They're specific, they invite people to tell a story, and they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality or their life experiences Take away to read the room This might be a group that would appreciate an icebreaker type prompt, or it might be a group where you've got to be a little more subtle Takeway three, you can learn a lot about people from their answers to magical questions. So listen and don't just wait for your turn to talk takeakeway four, when you're answering a magical question, consider how vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels right for this space and this group For more Lifekit, check out our other episodes. We have one about how to host a gathering and another on the power of play. You can find those at npr dot org slash lifeifekit. And if you love Lifekit and you, you know, you just can't get enough of us, subscribe to our newsletter at npr. org slash lifekit newsletter Also, we love hearing from you. so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share with us, or you want to tell us a magical question you came up with, email us at lifekit at npr d. org This episode of Life Itit was produced by the magical Sam Yellow Horse Kessler Our digital editor is Malica Gareib, and our visuals editor is CJ Ricalon. Meghan Kaine is our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzallez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagel, Clamarie Schneider, Margaret Sereino, and Sylie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keey and Gilly Moon I'm Maryel Sada Thanks for listening.