Establishing Personal Limits and Self-Care

I think there's like a gnome stealing my jewelry. You better do some kind of drawers. An ancestral ring, a one gold hoop earring , a necklace with the Virgin Mary on it have all gone missing. I think you need to provide an offering. Yeah. You need an offering to the borrowers. Yeah. Yeah. Clearly they need what do you think they like? I think you should just say offer like a decoy tray of like other jewelry and like put it in an obvious place and so they can be attracted to that decoy jewelry. Oh what about those fake gold coins? Yeah. Like tropical coins. I think they're trying to get your attention that they need some useful things like get a barbie car, get a little barbie mansion. You know, they're telling they're telling you. What do you think? They're taking your value things because they need some things of value. I don't think is what's happening. Are we waiting for something? No. Okay, we're just talking, but I feel like this is very actionable advice. Thank you . Thank you. This should be the bonus tip, actually Okay , well hi, it's Mariel Sagara. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, this series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice. We're actually trying something new today. All of the advice is gonna come from us, the Life Kit team with help from the collective wisdom in our archives. And as always, for Dear Life Kit, reporter Andy Tagle is here . Hi Andy. Hey Marielle. And we've also got our digital editor Molga Garib here . Hello. Let's get right into it with our first question. Andy, do you want to read that one? Okay , dear life kid, this is going to sound super petty and it kind of is, but I'm worried about losing my friends when my life is going better than theirs. One of my friend's parents is having health issues. Another friend is struggling with bills and another is caring for their grandparents . I've become scared to share things with them because my problems don't feel as big , and I've recently had some positive things happen in my career. We're all in our ear ly twenties and I know it's not abnormal for everyone to be on different paths and such, but I'm still worried about stoking resentment. What do I do? Yeah, I mean, I get this and it's gonna be very common in all of our lives that sometimes when you're up, other people are down and vice versa, right? And also sometimes even within your own life, often, parts of your life are up and parts of your life are down. Like I have had personal experience with when I got cancer , people, close friends of mine feeling like they shouldn't tell me certain things in their lives . And actually it wasn't even good stuff happening. It was bad stuff, but stuff that they thought didn't compare to having cancer at thirty four . So they were like, Well, she's going through chemo so I can't talk to her about my breakup. And I didn't feel that way at all. Like I remember saying to them it was like paying Olympics and they were like yeah that's not that's not how I see the world. And I do think fundamentally that we have to be able to be there for the people we love whether their lives are up or down that it's just as much of a service to others to show up for them when the good things happen and not hold it against them. Well, I have a question about that because like if you do go through a breakup and you see that your all your friends are getting married or getting with people , yeah, I don't want to hear about your fact that you're getting married, right? Like why is it in that situation that it's kind of normal to like not want to hear oh gosh, they're getting married. But then yeah, it's interesting that you're saying that when you were going through cancer and going through this horrible thing that it was okay for you to hear about other breakups. Is it because the context was totally different ? I think the context being different helps and I also had no problem hearing about the good things in people's lives it actually just reminded me that there was good on the other side of what I was going through. Like my friends being in Europe , you know with, their kids and sending pictures. I was like, Oh my gosh, I can't wait to go there when I'm done with treatment . But I think yeah, you want to make sure with your friends that you're also showing up for them and not just asking, how are you? Like if awful things are happening in their lives , then you want to be present and think about what you're good at and practical ways you could show up. Like if they're going to a lot of doctors' visits, maybe you're good at being pushy and advocating for someone, or maybe you're good at organizing the meal train, or maybe you're really good at emotional support . You want to think about the specifics of the situation that they shared with you and how you can show up for them. A trick that I found helpful with this is something that I got from the team. What is it? And it was just ask in the reverse situation, would you be offended? You know , like if something bad was happening to me and something good was happening to my friend . Would it hurt my feelings? Would I want to bring my friends down with me? Like of course not. Like I would , you know, if someone is in your corner, I found in my personal experience, like if someone is in my corner, they're in my corner no matter what. And if someone wants to yuck on my yum, they're gonna yuck on my yum no matter how well they're doing. You know what I mean? That's true. Also, it's a good is maybe a good litmus test too. It's like if she can come to these people, her friends and like she feels comfortable enough to celebrate with them no matter where they are and they like, yes, I think reciprocate is important. And I think that's like a sign that it's a good friendship, but if they're like if she doesn't feel comfortable in that space too, then maybe it's also not a good sign. Let's go to question two. What do you think? Yeah . All right , Question number two. Dear life kid , how do you deal with people you can't stand but are forced to interact with on a regular basis. I'm in high school and there's this person who I have many classes with, share mutual friends with, but she's an energy vampire. She loves to one up me and has a mean sense of humor. How can I set clearer boundaries or make my interactions with her less painful? Okay, so I'll tell you guys something. I like attract energy vampires. I don't know how and why , but they come to me, they dump on me all they're like they vent at me and they talk at me and then like they don't let me leave me any room to like speak and I think that it's because I'm way too nice. Like I don't and I don't have any like boundaries with friendships too I'll just keep hanging out with a person because I feel obligated . So for this high school student, I spent a lot of time looking through all of our friendship episodes and I found the perfect advice for you from an interview with the writer Rachel Wilkerson Miller who wrote the book, The Art of Show Up How to Be There For Yourself and Your People, and her advice was this , break up with a friend like you would break up with a partner . Here's what you might say to this energy vampire . Listen, I appreciate that you want to be friends with me, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I know we're in a lot of classes together, so let's try to be cordial with each other when we see each other. But for now , I'd appreciate if you gave me a little bit of space. I hope you understand . Hm . That seems like maybe easier to say over text. Yes. I mean, I think that your response, Malica , I also think it's a mature one. Maybe a little too mature. Yeah. Here's the thing. Okay, so my initial thought was, I think it's a mature one and I think it would be very good in an ideal world. Right. But high school, high school is very far from an ideal world, right? I think you right. Yeah. I think it's very far from an ideal world. So what's what would you do? Okay . So my solution , the first thing that came to my mind it's a weird one stick with me . But the first episode that came to my head, the first advice that came to my head was the episode on how to raise a toddler on how to talk to her. Oh my god, that is not the connection I thought you were going to make , but say more, please. Okay , this person can be really sounds really irritating, sounds like they're being really illogical, like they're being really nonsensical, not very far away from a toddler . And when you are communicating with a toddler and you want them to change their behavi or, you have to be really creative . So sometimes that means you have to like out wacky their wacky. Sometimes we have to distract them or give them like a hard time limit or yeah . the c Inase of like an all out tantrum, like if this person's being really mean, then what you have to do is like mentally disengage , protect your peace, you know, do nothing to fan the flames . Or I might try like positively reinforce someone else's behavior, you know? Like I might go to someone who I actually think is cool and like try and talk to them about that thing that I thought you know what I mean? Like I might not remember my bond what they said and literally be like they, tell me You say something mean about me, Malika. I know I can't imagine it ever happened. I truly can't imagine happening, but you say something mean to me or you one up me and I just literally like don't respond to you like, eyes glaz e over and I'm like, Andy, I love your jumpsuit. Totally. Yeah, you know, like, don't you don't have to laugh at the joke, right? Like they can't keep telling the jokes, you don't have to laugh at the joke or even like even if I was just talking to you, I could be like, did you say that you were going to the beach this weekend or just something like that the distraction thing , I think could be really helpful. Yeah. Sometimes when people are mean, I feel like it's coming from an insecure place and like trying to prove you're so cool . And so just being hard with them. Like being a little like you can be there's this meme that I saw that I really love. It's a bunny rabbit holding a medieval weapon like it has like a chain and with a ball on the end and a bunch of metal spikes and it says soft but not available for mistreatment. I love that . Do you know what that's how I feel? That's how I feel like I am. Like yeah, I feel like they 're why they attract the energy vampires I think, I think, it's because they can just sort of like dump on me. But like, I think that I have to have like a boundary. Like this is the thing about this person is like you're very nice to like entertain these kind of treatment, but like, yeah, just let her know. Yeah, let them know or not. You're soft, but don't mistreat me. Yeah . All right, let's go on to question three. Okay, let's do it. Dear Life Kid , I have a coworker who I absolutely adore and we're friends outside the workplace as well. She has three young children and she prioritizes being a good mom over things at work . But when she has to call out for doctors appointments, sick days or holidays , the job of picking up the slack at work tends to fall on me. Our boss doesn't see the problem, and I realize it's my own fault for taking things on. I have a lot of trouble delegating or asking for help since I often find myself so stressed that it's easier just to do things myself . I'm happily childless myself and I want my friend and coworker to be able to prioritize her family. I feel terrible for feeling resentful . How do I stop this cycle of stress ? Quit your job, just kidding just Okay , I think this is a really juicy question . And at first glance , it kind of it seems like a parent versus child free values type of question . I think. But I think actually this is a you versus you question personally. I think that's what it do , do you agree? Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I agree. It's a you versus the perceived expectations of you with the largely unstated expectations of you, letter . And I wanted to just start by saying the people pleaser in me sees the people pleaser in you Just say Something I learned recently from our episode on the book Drained from a professor named Lear Rupanner is that sometimes when it comes to the mental load , sometimes you need to separate out what is required of you, what you're taking on out of obligation and what you actually want to be doing . Like does it really have to be on you to take on this work besties load? You know? Do you have to raise your hand every time? Does anyone have to raise their hand for this work? You know, are your deadlines real deadlines? These are the things that I'm thinking of. What about you guys? And I think ultimately like I know sometimes if we care about our jobs or even if we're diligent type of people feel like the work is our responsibility and if it doesn't all get done then it's on us . But ultimately it's the company's responsibility and it's the company's problem if it's not all getting done and their challenge to figure out. Right. That's exactly what I said. It sounds like you need to talk to your boss about this. It sounds like you have tried before and it has been successful. Like one conversation, it doesn't have to stop at one conversation, right? So like it seems like it's time to ask your boss for a meeting, give yourself time to think about what you want to say. And when you do that , data is your friend. Keep your receipts if you haven't already. Arm yourself with information. If you feel like you've been doing a lot of the work for a lot of the time and you're okay with that, then maybe it's time for a new role, a new title, more money, so that you can feel less resentful. Let this be your flag, let flag. Yeah. Or if you're not, then let your boss know, I'm doing way too much and it's time to pair back. I think that another point here is often in the workplace, people who have kids are given more leeway or more like help. And I understand that they do need the support , but that doesn't mean that someone who's child free should just automatically have to work more than someone who has a lot. Like yeah, we've done an episode on how to be child free and part of that is just reinforcing that that is a valid choice and it doesn't make you a better person more, up a standing member of society or more important because you have kids versus someone else. Maybe you need to hear that actually. Maybe the letter writer needs to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. I had the exact same thing to say . Brittany Lewis , the host of It's been a minute, came on to Dear Life Kit a few months back and she had this great line . She says, I'm going to give as much as I can lovingly and no more . Because if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either going to it either leads to conflict or you end up feeling short changed. So I think it applies to these friends here. Like it applies to work. It applies to friends, it applies to family, you know, like I'll give you as much as I can that I can give lovingly. But as soon as I feel any like any sort of bitterness in my mouth , that's the line. That's the line. It doesn't matter if I have kids, if I don't have whatever I can give lovingly. Yeah. Once I'm unhappy about it, that's the line to stop you. Then you're asking too much. Wow. That also applies to the other letter writer with the Energy Vampire. Yeah, probably applies to all of them. That's right. No, that's good advice. I think so too. Thanks Britney. Snaps to Brittney Luis. Yeah. If you have a question for Life Kit, dear listener, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about healthcare, about staying organized, exercising , messy breakups , annoying friends , whatever you got. Email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to Life Kit at npr dot org . I'm Mariel Segara. Thanks for listening.