Building Community and Defining Values

A nice life that little something extra. It's I experienced joy and pleasure and I made those things for myself. I had agency and I made choices that allowed me to feel that little bit of sparkle, that little bit of twinkle in your eye, that spring in your step, a little mischief You're listening to Life Kit. I'm Marielle Sagara . We did a live taping recently at WBUR Fest, a festival hosted by Boston NPR station WBR, fun fact, also where I started out as a public radio intern . The topic was how to have a nice life . And our guest was Rachel Wilkerson Miller, who's the senior editor at Vox and has a book coming out called The Nice Life, How to Elevate the everyday and find joy in what you have. Yeah, I think there's a bit of elegance in a nice life , but again not when we say elegance, I think we often would think of spending a lot of money, but we've talked about this. Can you buy your way to a nice place? That to me is central. I say in the book, it's about punching above your weight without living above your means. It's about finding ways to elevate , to bring a little something extra that often doesn't cost money. Like it could be a meaningful conversation with a friend or a neighbor, it could be something you thrifted or got at a garage sale or found in the garbage that brings you a lot of joy. It could be something that you make yourself and use very inexpensive materials or again, something you found in the recycling bin. I think people sort of know those things when they see them , but so much of it goes back to creativity, art and connection with other people . On this episode of Life Kit, you'll hear that conversation. We talk about art and beauty, curiosity , Falcons, Ulysses S. Grant , and much more . In the book, you lay out qualities to pursue if you are trying to cultivate a nice life . And one of those is beauty. Can you talk about what that means to you? So I mentioned art is a huge part of this, and I think beauty can exist in a lot of different ways. It could be a beautiful building or architecture or the face of somebody you care about or a flower , I think just starting to look for it and really orienting yourself toward it is so exciting and thrilling. And again, it help remind you that, oh, these things exist in all these different places . It's not necessarily about something that is expensive or that I'm seeing on Instagram that I want to buy. It can be so much simpler than that. And it's so often human made . And I think really starting to look for art in my everyday life was a really transformative experience because I used to think of art as something that I like went out and did and I still do that. I still go to shows and I go to museums and I love those experiences , but there's art everywhere I. think And once you start to notice it, it's so satisfying and reassuring and kind of thrilling. And that's a really easy example of how to just find a little bit of beauty in your everyday life. Well, let's talk about the consumer aspect of it because I feel like when you are seeking, especially beauty in your space , you can end up thinking that means I have to buy all this stuff . And you can also sort of be stealing from your own joy because you're working towards some future version of you and your home for instance, where everything's going to be perfect and look just like a magazine . And that to me seems like the opposite of a nice life . I wonder what your advice is for folks who find themselves in that spiral, AKA . Well, I should say for starters, like I am not a minimalist, so I understand this tension very well . And I think one thing I've had to learn over the years is what stuff will actually make me happy or mean something to me and what stuff I will regret kind of immediately or it will end up in a land fill. And there was point in my twenties where I was like, I can't just keep buying dresses from forever twenty one. This is wasteful and bad. And I really had to cut myself off. And that forced me to slow down . And it was like, if I'm going to buy something , I'm going to have to wear this for a long time. So I need to take good care of it. I need to feel relatively confident I will continue to wear it for a while, even if it's Forever twenty one, even if it's from a thrift store, and it was originally from Forever twenty one , like how can I treat it like it matters? Because I think there's this mindset of like, oh, buy nicer things, but buy less of them. And like, sure, but if you can't afford to buy nicer things, you might still need to try to buy less and treat it well . And I think that that mindset really helped me hone what I like for starters. I think so much of the, I'm buying this and why did I buy this comes from not really knowing yourself or knowing your intentions? So I think just getting the in habit of like taking this a second to ask yourself what does this mean to me ? And I think with your home in particular, it's very easy to feel sort of influenced by what you're seeing online in a given moment . That doesn't really make for a home that like feels cozy or that you actually want to be in. I don't know. Sometimes I watch these home tours of celebrities and I'm just like, where's your stuff? Yeah, like where's your stuff? Because it doesn't feel like they chose it. And I think that's the big thing is you choosing something . All right, y'all take away one . If you want to have a nice life, seek beauty wherever you can. That doesn't necessarily mean buying anything. Look around you. What did you see today that was beautiful? When we come back, more from Rachel about how to cultivate the skill of noticing A lot of this goes back to the art of noticing . At Life Kit, we talk about this a lot. We talk about basically mindfulness techniques that help you stay present and help you just live a happier life, I would say, live a life where you're seeing what's in front of you . And part of that is about putting down your phone so that you can notice things and leaving space to notice . All of this is a way of stepping outside of yourself and I think that's really important. I think especially if you're on your phone a lot or only talking to your partner or a couple coworkers or whoever, you forget, there's a big world out there. We're gonna get through this. It's going to be okay. And I think that perspective and feeling a little small is helpful. Like one of the things I like about art and museums is it's like , oh my god, three hundred years ago, people were concerned about the same things. They were concerned about war and losing a loved one and grieving, but they were also they loved their pet and they wanted to, you know, remember this beautiful peach. And I think just see ing that really helps me when I'm struggling to just step outside of myself and to sort of get that perspective that can be hard day to day. Yeah, I think it's a good day to day practice and it's also a good break glass in case of emergency . Like you are pissed off and turning my mind to beauty and just like noticing the present can help a lot with, I think, anxiety , and also with nerves in general. Like I was playing softball the other day and a falcon came and landed on the fence of the dugout . I'd never seen one before . They were so beautiful . And like everyone sort of turned and looked at the falcon for, you know, a minute because the softball game could pop it just a rec league softball game. But it was this huge opportunity to see this gorgeous bird , which gets to another point in your book about curiosity. I love this. So I interviewed an aw researcher for this book who was incredible. He researches awe as a way of being resilient. And awe is like what is how can you define awe? You can describe it as something that moves you that like forces you to accommodate a new way of thinking. And he and I talked about like that's like big awe stand. That'sing in front of the Grand Canyon and feeling so moved and a little afraid . But there's also little awe, which you can't experience the Grand Canyon every day. Like those are going to be rare moments throughout your life. But little aw might be just seeing a flower or seeing a falcon . These moments that are not so transformative, but that they do pull you out of your own head , help you in the present moment, spark curiosity. And one of the things that he was saying is that aw on its own is great, but the experience of talking about or experiencing awe with somebody else is even better . So just you sharing this story right now is like a great way of connecting because now I'm learning something about you and like we can like sort of share in this together. That's a perfect encapsulation of the sort of curiosity and moments that to me make up a nice life. Yeah, I think sometimes it's about remembering that you have agency in a lot of situations that you might not think. Like places where we're on autopilot, you're in the middle of a softball game or you're in the middle of a meeting or the middle of a doctor's appointment, or someplace where you're not supposed to stop and ask a question, someplace where you're not supposed to stop and notice something funny or beautiful . But we actually have in a lot of situations agency to stop and do that and people will appreciate it more than you might think. I think that's the big thing is that people actually welcome it. And again, it's that moment of reaching out and sort of offering an opportunity for connection. People are too afraid to ask for it and so you can give somebody the gift of going first . The sharing involved in that I find so meaningful and uplifting and important . All right, take away two. Another element of a n ice life, according to Rachel, is curiosity . What is something that you've become really curious about lately? Well, I've been reading a book the past week essentially about the building I live in and the type of building I live in. It's a former limited equity co op, which is a very specific type of housing in New York City. So I've been reading about the history of that and how this building and other ones like it were built. So that is a very close to home version of it. That was also inspired. I live near the tenement museum. So doing a tour there was really interesting and kind of the connection between all of these things. So I would say I'm very curious about my neighborhood and it's been a pleasure to learn more about the place I live and to see the places I go or live mentioned in a book and to be able to read the history of it is really thrilling. So that's just a cool opportunity , but I think looking for curiosity close to home is a great place to start . I have been getting really into the presidents lately. Oh, that's a good one. There are certain presidents that I'm learning about and now I'm getting into the ones that we weren't taught so much about in school like Ulysses S. Grant , who is so interesting . I'm guilty of late night. My partner falls asleep and I'm just on Wikipedia trying to answer a question . And I think you might be a similar type of person. And I think just starting with the question of like, I want to know more about that. I don't know, I don't need to explain myself. I just like to know more and following it as far as it takes you is such a pleasure. And it's so nice to just, again, I'm seeking this out. Isn't this interesting? What can it tell me about the world we live in or myself or just be entertaining? And it's such a delight . Anything that can connect you to other people throughout history or other people right now, but just something that reminds you this feeling I'm having or this experience that I'm having is not uniquely mine. And I look at that as a good thing, whether it's a good feeling or a bad feeling , I think it's important to remember that somebody else has felt it before. That makes me feel better. It makes me feel more connected to people. It makes me feel more empathetic. So I think that is one of the great things about art is that it's this like tangible proof that somebody felt this way before. And curiosity is like what draws you to it in this moment. Yeah, I like to think of curiosity as adding texture to my day, adding color . A hundred percent. And one of the researchers I spoke to for the book who researches curiosity made the point that we often think of it as Wikipedia rabbit holes, but curiosity can also just be asking another person about their life or their experi ences. And so you don't necessarily have to do it in that way. If that's not how you want to, or whatever the case may be, like you can satisfy your curiosity by just talking to somebody. And I think that's a really good reminder that there are interesting people and experien ces all around us all the time. And like you could think about aging by reading this book, but you could also, you know, talk to a family member or a neighbor or a coworker. Like there's so many ways to do curiosity, and I think just remembering other people are a great way to do it as well was one of the lessons I took away from this. When we're back, I read some questions from the audience about how community and values fit into a nice life. We actually have a couple questions here about the nice life and community . You know, in this age where a lot of people are lonely, what advice do you have for forging connections? I think it starts with just deepening the relationships that you do have. Like sometimes people feel like, oh, we have a connection. I think this could be something more, but they feel a little too shy to take that step further. And I think that's the part where I'm like, just give yourself permission to do that. You have to sometimes be willing to invite other people. And it won't always work out. Not everyone will be your person , but I think the more that you practice that, the less scary it feels and the easier it is. And you can just get better at striking up a conversation and realizing that the person on the other side will probably be very excited about it. And very rarely will they be rude or mean and if they are, it will be fine . Takeaway three, as Rachel says in her book, a nice life is a shared life, one in which you forge authentic connections with interesting people and move through the world with generos ity . So this is a really interesting question . It says some of the traits you describe for having a nice life sound women coded. Do you think there's a gendered element to a nice life and do men achieve it differently? That's a good question . I would say that I would describe my interests as very women coded and they always have been and I've never really like apologized for that because to me these are inherently good things and everyone should pursue them . I hope that more men feel comfortable pursuing these things if they feel nice to them and again beauty can be defined however you want it to be. Curiosity can lead you wherever it leads you. It should be sort of this authentic experience . But I would hate for people to deprive themselves of art and connection with other people and good food and joy and play because they feel like it competes with their version of what their gender should be. Like honestly, that idea bums me out so much. So that I hope that if men don't feel comfortable with this right now that they stop and think like there's space for you here. And even if it feels a little hard at first , I think once you start to do it, it's such an immediate gratification that you kind of stop thinking about that stuff . I mean, I think some of the interests I expressed or the examples I gave were sort of masculine coded. I was out playing softball, saw a falcon I'm learning about Ulysses S. Grant. Very true. There's a lot for you here, whoever asked that question. I think it's a vulnerability and the community piece that makes it harder. But again, people really want to connect, they really want to make friends. They're hoping somebody will offer that. And so again, if that's what you want, just reach out. Again, there will there will be somebody there who's excited to hear from you. I think there's an element here of deciding what your values are and what makes a nice life for you. A lot of the ones that you laid out feel universal, you know , whether it's about connection and community or art and curiosity and beauty, but there might be others too. Service, for instance , is another one or family could be another one. Like there's so many ways to define your nice life. And I think I tried to pick things that felt really universal across time and space. But I think this is really about making decisions that matter to you that with intention, and you can't do that if you don't know what matters to you. So taking a step back and saying, what is important to me? What do I want to be able to say that I've done in five years or ten years? What do I want to experience will take you very far. So that is a really good place to start and help you make decisions around how you want to live your life. All right, everybody, than youk so much . Thanks Rachel. Thank you . Okay y'all it's time for a recap. Takeaway one, if you want to have a nice life , seek beauty. That doesn't necessarily mean buying anything. Look around you. What did you see today that was beautiful? Allow yourself to experience awe when you look at a bird or a flower or an architectural marvel or a really old book . Takeaway too . Another element of a nice life, according to Rachel, is curiosity. When you notice something beautiful or interest ing or different in your day to day life and you fall down the rabbit hole a little bit, you can satisfy your curiosity at the library or on Wikipedia or by watching historical documentaries or just by learning about other people , asking them questions . Takeaway three, as Rachel says in her book, a nice life is a shared life . So get to know other people, build community. And remember, these are just a starting point. Think about your own values and what'll make your life feel special , a little sparkly , and a little extra. All right, that's our show. If Life Kit is part of your weekly ritual . Make it official. On the NPR app, you'll hear about every episode the moment it's ready. Just turn on notifications and we'll handle the rest. See you there. Download the NPR app today. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Soreno. Our digital editor is Malica Greib and our visuals editor is CJ Ricolon. Lauren Gonzales is our executive producer and Meghan Kaine is our senior supervising editor. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Claire Marie Schneider and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Peter Elena. Special thanks to Steven Davy, Eva Rosenberg, and Ben Brock Johnson at WBUR. I'm Marielle Sagara. Thanks for listening