Expert Guidance for Cooperative Divorce

It's interesting when I use the phrase first, my first husband, my dear first husband. People assume he's dead He's not dead. But if he were, we would speak about him. in a way that had so much kindness and compassion and regard and respect He isn't someone I want to ex off this planet or out of our family He is a wonderful influence and support to our children And I would never wish that he were gone You're listening to Life Kit. I'm Marriel Seagara. And that was Karen McNenny, certified divorce coach and certified co parenting specialist, talking about why she doesn't call her former husband her ex Karen wrote a book called The Good Divorce, How to End Your Marriage withithout Ending Your Family The best time to talk about divorce is before you need to talk about divorce But when you go into a marriage or you're engaged It's hard to talk about divorce because your soon to be spous is like, What arere you planning to divorce me? Like you're already thinking about this? Right? It has this big negative connotation you know, my metaphor for that is Every time we fly They say take out the safety card in the back seat pocket and we're going to review together to do Should there be turbulence? if this plane is going down And we don't sit there and think Why is this airline so pessimistic? Why are they planning for us to crash Why do they do it every time? We know the drill, but nope We want you to be prepared. what to expect I feel like the book is the safety card for marriage When people get married, they tend to think of it as a forever commitment Of course, divorce happens Now Karen says the paradigm of a good divorce will not work for everyone And I want to be really clear and compassionate about those who find themselves in Marriages where there's active addiction or abuse or domestic violence or coercion or unmanaged mental health issues, there are times where you know, skipping off into the sunset in a good divorce amicable collaborative process is not possible and maybe not even But I think there are many more of us that just need to get unmarried And we don't have all of that other Tuma who if we knew that there was a different exit strategy We would take it. On this episode of Life Kit, what it means to have a good divorce? You actually say divorce is a tool and not a weapon. Yeah. How did you come to that realization as I was facing down my own divorce, which has now been about fifteen years ago I was so afraid of what was on offer. Oh, I'm set for a future of destruction and despair and high debt and a lifetime of resentment I' like, I cannot become enemies with the father of our children. So we had to really change the framework and the thinking and I thought to weaponize is so destructive, but if we looked at divorce as a tool We're going to renovate and transform this family. We're not going to destroy it That's a very different paradigm to start from. And if you don't have children I don't see any reason why you cannot take the same f That is less destructive. You know, those who don't share children get a little more of a clean break. They get to walk away and not necessarily stay connected Maybe you own a business together, Maybe you became best friends with your brother in law So lots of ways to dissolve without destruction And it sounds like there are ways forward where you could end up still being friends or you could just be You know, cordial to each other. We're co parents. It depends on the relationship itself and what you started with Oh, I think you're exactly right, Marel. And I like to remind people, you don't have to be friends, but can you be friendly? And it's not only the relationship that we had, When we were courting each other, falling in love, getting married, having our children It really is identifying Early enough the marriage is starting to deteriorate. A lot of us wait too long until the core relationship has so much damage that's been done to it I think in part, because we don't have much social permission to change our marital status We're all about change in this culture Change where you live, change your job, change your major, change your hairdo. change, change, change. Don't change your marital status And as a result of that, not only do we stay too long, but during that extended stay of resistance to make elegant exit We start building a case against our current spouse because we feel we have to justify why we're walking out the door. Take away one. Think of divorce as a tool Not a weapon to to change your life to be happier to develop a better co parenting relationship distance from a dynamic that's not working and is dragging you and your spouse down And if divorce is a tool, it's a good idea to pull it out of the box sooner rather than later to start the process before you and your spouse hate each other Of course there are instances where an amicable, collaborative divorce process is not possible or appropriate But a lot of couples could benefit from a good divorce. And to be clear, good divorce doesn't mean easy. This stuff is not easy. It's hard, it's painful. there's grief. It's very challenging even under the best of conditions After the paperwork is done, after the ink has dried, the assets have been Divided Can you and your co parent sit on the same side of the bleachers during the basketball game. Can you see yourself still as a partnership and an ability to have thoughtful conversations about your kids and what they're going through, what support they need. So the good divorce is protecting the future of the family while we dissolve the marriage And what about if you don't have kids And for those that don't have kids protecting your health Your mental health, your physical health What we know is that if we are doubling down with resentment and bitterness All of that gets stored in the body and shows up in different ways. You deserve a pathway that's less destructive. break, we talk about the tenantets of a good divorce A lot of us have basically a mini beauty product store in our bathrooms, and it's easy to feel like if you don't use the right serums, creams, acids, and toners, you're somehow doomed to having bad skin But do you really need all those products? Lifekit made a special newsletter series to help you figure out your skincare goals and what you actually need. Sign up at npr dot org slash skincare or find the link in the description for this episode When you got divorced, you had a therapist give you and your former husband a sort of playbook with tenants. And one of them was Do no more harm It was a really Powerful reminder when she used those words, do no more harm There's already been enough harm And that was so true So now we can stop it. We're no longer working on the marriage. You get to move on And that's actually a very liberating perspective. Yeah It can be a relief. We don't have to have these fights anymore. Yeah We don't have to have those fights anymore. We don't have to keep contorting ourselves. We don't have to keep this household that is maybe building in conflict It's a complex emotional journey because we do feel relief of walking away from some of those things and maybe even specifically our spouse and the challenges But with it There is extraordinary grief comes with divorce that I think is often underestimated and under supportpported If my spouse had died People would have been checking in with me regularly. I never would have spent a holiday alone in that first year. There probably would have been a meal train But he didn't die My marriage died My family structure died My identity as a wife and partner died, so much Grief through these transformations So supporting friends in all those ways that you would as if there had been an actual death is doing a lot for your friends who are going through divorce So I guess on the side of the person who's getting divorced Do you think there's an element of letting your community know that you need support because it's not always obvious It's not obvious and it's awkward. So one of the tools that I encourage clients to do is to really put a communication strategy together. And it's not just how we tell the kids, but it's also a communication strategy to the grandparents to the circle of support around the kids, teachers, coaches mentors and to our shared community and under the best conditions It's really extraordinary when a couple can write that message together. not unlike a marriage announcement But in this case, it sounds more like we've made a really difficult decision. We wanted to let you know We're not going to court, don't expect a battle. Please don't ask us why, just ask us how we're doing We're on the same side of the kids. You don't need to pick sides And in doing so, we've given everyone the same information as once. It's a unified message that comes from the parent team And it allows your community to know how best to support you And it takes all the gossip and wonder about what is going on gives everybody clarity Takeaway two do no more harm You and your spouse may have already done emotional harm to each other in this breakup process. Commit to doing no more You can set that tone by sending a joint message to your community, letting them know that they don't need to pick sides and that you still have respect for each other And speaking of community, let your friends and family know how they can support you in this moment. They may not immediately know what to do, but if you could use a meal train or help moving into your new place or just some company. Tell them Another enet that that therapist gave you was work towards indifference What does that mean I asked myself the same question in the moment, Mariel. I'm like, indifference. That doesnt mean I just don't care I have no feelings, like that's impossible So I had to go back and really examine what indifference means. and what it's come to mean for me is I just don't get triggered all those pokey hotspots when he says a thing and does a thing that used to just irritate me or or accumulatively over time kind of led to the disillusion of the marriage It now means that, oh, yeep, that's just who he is. It's kind of like the stranger on the street the person in traffic, the individual who cut in front of you in the grocery line, you're like, ah I'm not even bothered. I'm indifferent it allows me to emotionally regulate myself, from a wiser, more conscious part of my brain so that I'm not constantly triggered and walking around all these big feelings and reaction to my former spouse That, my dear, is not a light switch experience. That does not happen overnight. That is more like a dimmer switch goingoing up and down and up and down and the gift of time really helps us to to get there I think that Part of this is also about not having the same fight over and over again. sometometimes people get out of a relationship and then they're still having the same fights with that person, whether in their head or in real life, U It's so true. Yeah. And you don't have to. I mean, I understand if you have kids, like some of the same dynamics might start to show up again. But You have dissolved a lot of your Heather. to this person, probably living in separate places now So you have more freedom to like them do. how they do. And you do how you do and just start to Except Okay, this is how they roll through the world as long as they're keeping our kids safe and they're not harming them in any way. like it is what it is Yeah, I think we forget that our former spouse is the same person as our spouse. As you said, like, eh, that's how they roll early on as a parent that now your kids for fifty percent of the time potentially, you don't see them. You don't know what they're having for breakfast. You don't know what they were to school that day. What is that other parent doing or choosing? And I can remember being with a friend and just being all torn up about what was or wasn't happening in that other home which is a really common effect that can happen post divorce. And my friend turned to me and said, Are your kids in mortal danger? they're not, she's like, okay Then if they're having fruit loops and wearing two different shoes, you gotta let it go, Karen Takeway three, work towards indifference Ideally, that means when your former spouse does something that would have triggered an emotional reaction from you before, it just doesn't anymore They show up late or they're sarcastic or their house is a mess None of that is your problem Now, if you have kids together, yes, you need to make sure that your children are safe and free from harm The other parent doesn't have to do everything the way you do it If you don't have kids together You don't have to stay in touch with this person at all unless you both want to Either way, just remember, you don't have to relive all those old fights you used to have with them in person or in your head After the break, we talk about splitting kids into two homes Who to see first when you want a good divorce notot an attorney If you do have kids and you're splitting into two homes, what are some ways to make that change easier for them Starting with the schedule thinking about we don't want our kids to be ping pongs what can happen is a family rights of parenting plan that says Kids shall be here and here, and I don't even like to call it a custody plan. That just sounds like a possession. O kids are not possessions I like to call it a residential schedule. Where are the kids and residents and Being able to let that residential schedule grow and change and evolve in the moment, but also over time with your children Our kids were five and seven when we divorced, so it was three or four nights at a time in each home And then by the time they got to be about eight or ten, it made sense to go a week. and each residents. After COVID, the kids came to us and said, can we just have two weeks in a house We want to be able to settle in more Okay And I know a lot of parents who are so rigid about the schedule. even if Grandma comes to town unexpectedly for three days and you turn to spouse and say, hey, can we change things up a little bit There's no flexibility. That doesn't serve anyone. So I really recommend you know, liberate the calendar and the schedule and let it grow with your kids appropriately and let it bend and flex. The other thing is to really think about gear and how to organize gear. When kids are young, you can duplicate things across both homes pretty easily But when it comes to the hockey gear and the ski gear and the bicycles, Those are items that are gonna to have to be coordinated between parents not the children's responsibility, certainly not when they're young. We do the parenting business. off stage and then it just magically Take away four Flexibility is key when you co parent with a former spouse Think about what's best for the kids, not for you and do the business of parenting privately, not in front of your kids Also try to make the transitions easier for them. One thing Karen and her former husband did They didn't call their houses mom's house and dad's house because the kids belonged in both places. So they named the houses after the streets they lived on You, on the other hand, might call your houses the Park view house and the River view house, or the blue house and the yellow house You can also ask your kids to name them something creative For folks who are looking for a cooperative divorce and not an acrimonious one U where can they start Well, first steps callall an attorney. look for some alternative Ets Divorce coaching I think Catherine Woodward Thomas consonscious uncoupling teaches us so much about the emotional journey of the relationship rupture We also really underestimate. we forget that there's a breakup when we're just focused on dividing assets. I think you mentioned in the book there are some models where Each spouse has a lawyer, but it's still a cooperative friendly environment The collaborative Lw movement was designed by an attorney who recognized He was tired of sitting in courtrooms and watching families destroy each other. So collaborative law is recognized by the American Bar Association And the strategy is not so much that you and your spouse have to be collaborative, like you're coming to the table all amicable and cooperative It's really telling the attorneys They need to collaborate because attorneys are trained to fight for their client So the deaths. against the opposing counsel And if that opposing counsel is representing your co parent, well, now we've got trouble that's going to echo for decades But in collaborative law, you each comeome with your own attorney. You sit at the table together There's often a neutral financial person the table helping to talk about those finances. and there's also offten a mental health professional or a child life specialist So you have this wrap around service And within the good divorce model that I guide people through, we work on family and then finances and the attorneys at the very end I guide couples to write their parenting plan, make their financial decisions, the restructuring of how they're going to live. There's so much pre workork, the communication plan Then we show up at an attorney's office who's willing to do the written legal work And they become much more of an administrator of divorce. Takeaway five. If you want a cooperative divorce, Karen says, donon't start with an attorney. Seek the advice of other experts first, like a divorce coach, a licensed marriage and family therapist, or co parenting specialist and know that there is a legal model called collaborative law, where you each have an attorney, but you come up with a plan together and also get the help of mental health and parenting specialists goal is to reach a settlement without going to court Given what you know about divorce, Qestions do you think couples should be asking themselves before they get married One This is a legal B contracts. really understand what it is that you're saying yes to planning a wedding notot the romantic love part business part which is why I actually think those prenuptial agreements. that as a culture been put into this bucket of unromantic threatening There is no harm. in my opinion, and having a prenuptial agreement that evenven if you decided not to file it or write it out, having the conversation about what would be in it What are the implications? Oh, you're bringing an inheritance. What happens if that gets entangled? Oh, what does it mean if we buy this house together? What does it mean if one of us works more and one of us works less? Like we just don't know So often when people arrive at the threshold of divorce, one of the first they're like, we don't know what we're doing. we don't know anything about this educated about business part of it, I would also suggest that we underestimate what it is to be roommates. Like life partners in the day today. What are your value systems around Cooking, cleaning, where you spend time, how much alone time you need, like these really fundamental areas of compatibility. because I think it's easy to fall in love and not actually know if you're Do you think you'd get married again Yes Long pause I think it's an abstract question right now because I am a solo pilot of my life I very much want to be repartnered in a way that is secure and deep and rich and supportive and I don't know It the legal. marital construct is something that I would say yes to again. I'm not saying no saying, huh, I don't know But I absolutely hope. that I get to say yes to a lifelong commitment with a partner. as I believe we often are given the opportunity to become a better version of oursel. through partnership And that isn't just romantic partnership, but all relationships Well, I I wish that for you too. Thank you Karen, thank you so much for this It's been a delight. Thank you Okay, time for a recap Take away one Divorce as a tool Not a weapon Pull it out of the box sooner rather than later Start the process before you and your spouse absolutely hate each other takeakeaway two, do no more harm One way to set that tone is by sending a joint message to your community, telling them they don't need to pick sides and you still have respect for each other Take away three work towards indifference takeake awayay four. Flexibility is key when you co parent with a former spouse And take away five, If you want a cooperative divorce, Karen says, don't start with an attorney. Instead seek the advice of other experts like a divorce coach, a licensed marriage and family therapist, or a co parenting specialist, and consider coming to a settlement through a legal model called collaborative law All right, that's our show Before we go, what do you think? Would you rate and review Lifekit in your podcast app Here's one review from user Sereita Pepita. What a cute name. I love life kits so much. They always have interesting topics that help me learn, spark curiosity and inspire me. Thanks for helping me be a better human life kit You are welcome, Sorita Pppita We really appreciate you and your reviews. And if you're not Sereita Papita and you haven't left a review yet, go ahead. What are you waiting for? Let us know what you appreciate about Life Kit with a review in your podcast app This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is CJ Reicalon, and our digital editor is Malica Greeb. Meghgan Kane is our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagl, Margaret Sereino, and Claire Marie Schneider Engineering support comes from Cina Lfredo and Jimmy Keey I'm Marriel Sagara Thanks for listening