Garden Decking Plans and Hypothetical Crimes

Good God Welcome to another new episode of Lash with me, Joanna Page. And me James Thornton. Now we are pre recording this one because we at the moment in time, this moment in time are down the caravan in West Wittering. Hopefully hopefully Hopefully unless we've been a barney, unless the kids have kicked off, unless somebody's become ill because Eva is now coming down with something. And also we had two messages on two different WhatsApp groups about how somebody has been being sick all the time so we couldn't come into so. somebody has got a cough and a cold I was starting you get that half term, I'll be livid. I was starting to feel a bit a bit achy and fluy yesterday and an eVab is she's got a cough. So you never know. Oh no Oh, Eva sang somewhere only We know, keen with our friends. I know. I was I filled up. I filled up because I was looking at her thinking, Oh my Godd, she's grown up so much and they're all going to be going to different schools and all the big changes that are going to be happening before September In those Well, in the last year, she's just grown so much. Well, she's so much taller than me. This is something that you're not going to be involved in, but oh my God, the pressure of getting a prom dress. Now this isn't a prom dress for when they're like apparently sixteen and I think you've got a big prom or something. This is just leaving small school to go to big school prom And trying to find a prom dress for an early teens girl that doesn't look too matronly and like an older woman is wearing it and then also doesn't look too, you know, like an early twenty year old and it's all quite strappy and revealing and everything, to try and get the thing in between that Oh my god, I'm looking at coast teen, I'm looking at you know, teen stuff in monsoon and it's really difficult because you've got to get something long and then she's want something a bit demure but with little straps and flowing with some little sparkles on it. I mean, good God But While we were looking on the internet and stuff, I said, Shall we have ever look in your wardrobe and see if there is anything? And we found a dress which I gave to her ages ago when I did an audience with Barry Mananao. And I took my mum to go and see it and I asked him a question. I think it was for the BBC or something and I wore this little blue dress. It's got like it's got a pattern on it and it's turquoise and it's short So to me it came to my knees T Weva, it's like higher than that because she's quite a bit taller than me, but it fits her perfectly and it looks formal enough that it looks like it's a special dress. And she tried it on. it's got quite a deep back and it's really beautiful. And she said, Ohh, I think this might be the one mummy, I think this might be the dress So I think we might have got the prom dress without me even ha to buy anything.. Although I have bought a few dresses which she can try on, which I'm planning on sending back, but I've just got to hope that before the proper end of term, she doesn't have a mass of another big growth spurt because she is so much taller than me anyway now And then I was thin, Oh, if she does, I've got to try and sew something around the hem of it or something to give it a bit of a thrill and make it a bit longer. Yeah, yeah yeah. That's crazy, isn't it? Yeah. I can't believe how quickly she's just grown now. in that short space of time now. Yes. And she's like if she put heels on, she'd be like nearly six foot. God she would I also want to talk to you about I'm starting to get into the swing of the World Cup. I'm starting to get quite knowledgeable about it because well, I would just like to say that I was the one who told Noah that is it Pp G Gardioli is leaving Man City M Yes. I was the one who told Noah that Guardiolaap Guardiola is leaving Man City. I also the other day because I was listening to Wayne Rooney talking Yeah started teaching Noah about how your forearm is very good because Wayne Rooney was talking about holding off another player when the ball comes to you, give yourself time to get the ball sort out what you're going to do. So your forearm is good to hold the other player off. You stand to the side, you hold him off with your forearm and your shoulder is also good. So you've got the time and opportunity to then kick the ball from the front. That is very good advice. I told No of that advice and I've heard What did he say to you He said yes, mammy, your shoulder' already gone through with. No he didn't. He said, Yes, mummy, your forearm is good and also your shoulder is good as well. He didn't it He does it in matches isn't? Yeah He's quite physical. Yeah, we've done it. We do it on in the garden Yeah Can I get him to hold me off? Yeah p I had no idea that in football that it was so physical. I thought you only thought about your feet. but you actually do you know, you're all physical like up top and all. You got to get your body before you get the ball, get your body in front of the player in the way of the defender So you literally blocked them from getting anywhere near the ball. you shield the ball with your body then you get your feet on the ball. If you just go for your feet for the ball and the two of you the defender and the attacker, youre both going for the ball with your feet. He say fifty fifty, you might lose it. When you watch Harand Yes, he always gets his body right in and yeah he us his entire body and he's like Oh you' like crazy. You watch him on some of these videos now where' close up literary just following him. He is so physical. It's amazing to watch him I like a police. Yes, he's like a Vian. Well, my knowledge of football and the thought of where what you're doing has just basically been how, you know attractive is the football player. That's it. that's been my limit up until now with everything to do with football start to know a bit more about it. It's really enjoyable. Oh yeah so much. And then I' started, I don't know if it's been announced yet, but I've heard that for the World Cup, Ho Palmer Harry Maguire and Phil Foden might not be picked. I think Harry Mcuire definitely hasn't been put in the team because I think his mother's kicked off I think his mother's kicked off about it and said something, which I think I saw in the paper on the internet yes do that onen' it? That would be me. Yeah. That would be me.'d end up. I wouldn't be able to control myself. It'd be too impulsive and I'd end up having a bloody outburst and then I'd have to regret it and then you'd have to make up for it afterwards. That's what would happen I'm not up to speed on England because I've been fully focused on Bradford this season. Wow. But apparently yeah there's too many players in certain area. so there's like a lot of players that play in certain positions and so there's a lot of competition. Really? Yeah we've almost got too many players in who play certain play. Oh my go. do you think it's going to be a lot of players then that I don't know, that I don't know the names of? I don't know. It's going to be What I love about the World Cup is and in the Euros as well is that these Players just emerge and become superstars overnight. Yeah. You know, players you wouldn't predict and then suddenly like they're just like the big thing. Yeah. These players just come alive, don't they? they just I know. have we gotten out, you know, I've been trying to arrange my work around it with Film Minst. Oh my Godd, when does it start? Becauseuse I'm thinking we're going into June. I've got like a couple of weeks bucked up with Film Minsta. Yeah When start It's in America. so you've got weird times. Oh thank God Well it's good and it's bad. Yeah. It's good in it doesn't get in the way of other stuff at the same time. someome matches are going to be like in the early hours. Oh I'd rather that. But I think we've just got to go for it. Oh yeah becausey commit to that. bang up for getting really into it this. the kids are older nows Yeah they're the right age. We had an argument last night about the FIFA sticker book. Oh God. Panini World Cup I say. What do you guys think, right? If you've got four children, I don't think you can buy something just for one child. And especially if there's two boys close in age, you can't buy one thing for one boy and nothing for the other boy and expect everything to be fine. I think if you're going to buy something for one of them, you have to buy something for all of them Beause that's why it It's not quite like that though. And also it. I will let you explain, but I also would like to say it wasn't even about the football stickers, was it? No, that's that's why I got myight I've got one son who was absolutely football obsessed And he loves he will not be without a football. He absolutely loves it. It's his entire life his life And he's got me back into football because I'm just going back to my childhood when I was obsessed with it and I'm seeing it in him and he's made me just obsessed with Bradford City again and he just brought it all back. And so he's mad on football and our other son is not interested in football. We've tried everything and I took him to training and all sorts and eventually I went, do you know what?ust leave it. He's more bothered about messing about with the corner flag or working out how the goldals are constructed. you know and he's very scientific, he's very technical and he's musical. so he' really into the drums, loves the drums, He's really scientific and a bit of an engineering mind. Yeah and love to think about stuff. So they're completely different. It's amazing. opposite. It's amazing how their personalities, not of their personalities, but what their interests Yeah just their interest. compleompletely different. what fires them up. And so, you know, it's a kit For example, he's got a drum kit now, a real acoustic kit because he loves it and he's gone mad for drums. So the other day I got him a splash cymbol for it and a cowbell for it. and I didn't buy a splash symbol for Noah because he's not into drums. I didn't buy him a cowbell, I just for kit certain things for his drum kits of buying for him. So the other week, No was mad on football and he's asked for a sticker book, so I bought him the Penini sticker album. ' that' for him that's what he's into. Kit's not bothered about. he's not into it. He's not bothered. So it was fine. I got the sticker book for Noah and I get other stuff for Kit and I get him what because if I get. I shall. stuff for Kit he won' be into it anyway. All right. And so anyway last night Noah's going through his stickers. He's sticking them in. this is before bedtime, which is we shouldn't be doing Before bedime and he's chosen stickers are everywhere. Right? He's not doing it in his bedroom. he's doing it. So the kitchen door, right is there. You walk out of the kitchen door and we've got like a A tiny little corridor thing before it goes into the hall, isn't it? It's not it goes into the hall, but it's like a narrow sort of bed. He's chosen to sit there so you can't walk around him or anything. He's got a sticker bug there. All the stickers are out everywhere. That laid out in teams like different p. It's not cleed away. so it's all still there the All the packets, the backs of the stickers there all over the floor Everyone's having to walk over these stickers to get anywhere because he's literally in the main sort of thoroughfare of the house. And so he's doing that and then inside it he finds these adverts for a deodorant. Yeah, Lynx deodorant. Yeah. It was just a tiny little strip of paper, like little I and smell. Yeah. It was a sniff and smell. He was fascinated by because I don't think's Oh my god sniffing. sniff and smell used to be a massive thing. Aazing. So he's gone hang on a minute. it's scratched it and gone, wow. and he's came and he's torn it out.ght it to me. He came and brought it to me and my dady look at this Look at this. smmell it. Smell it, it's World Cup. It's World Cup deodorant. It's got a worldld Cup on it. I mean, it's amazing marketing. Well, it's worked on nowhere. That marketing, also LegGO are absolutely smashing it. Okay Car on story now about scratch and sniff So he shows me that, oh, that's amazing. Brilliant. And then later on he goes I found another one. There's another one later in the sticker. And he went that was my favourite, right? That one's not right I'll give that to Kit. So he gave it to Kit. Kit was over the moon and he's fascinated by it as well looves it. Noah's got his and then Noah changed his mind and he went, No no, I want that one back. And Kit went, No You've given it to me And it just kicked off honestly write our boys They never argue. I mean, do they genuinely they don't argue. And so to say that it was a huge argument, rightally it was was? Noah So yeah, Kit wouldn't give back the scratch and sniff advert for the Lynxy O Trent ride. He was holding ono it like it was Gold. And and then Noah went to his room and then the fact that Noah just stands there going give it back Give it back. and then Kit's like, no, noope, no. in the end, I started thinking that they were going to start physically fighting because it started reaching a level. because at first I thought, leave them to itet. You can't interfere and make everything better. Leave them to it. Yeah. Then I went in and I said, O Kit, Darlen Can you just give it back to Noah? becausecause it was his thing originally, that then kicked off massively. and then I walked up and I thought, no, just leave him get on with it. just leave him get on with it. They'll work it out. It reached such a height that the pair of them were crying. Noah was starting He's very quiet But I thought he's going to punch kit in the face in a minute. I thought it was going to get physical and our boys don't argue and they don't physically fight. I mean, they just don't. And you could tell it was getting tense, it was getting really. So then I shouted to you and I was like, James, come upstairs You need to sort out your sads. So I'd gone downstairs because I I've had enough. sort it out between yourselves. same as you. now I'm like don't intervene all the time. They have to learn to resolve such conflicts and stuff. Just let them work it out somehow So I went back downstairs to busy myself doing a dishwasher. And I was like, just leave him to it. And then suddenly I heard you go, James, James, come up here now. And I was like, Ohh my go, I've sprint it up because I thought they literally must be fighting. They were about to w Beuse I thought it's possible it's possible because it was really tense. Yeah. Sprint it up there There wasn't any physical fight. You weren't physically fight any but you were in there for about a good fifteen, twenty minutes, having to talk them both down, having to try and cancel, having to try Kit was crying. Noah was really upset and getting really, really upset about it about the scratch and sniff and nobody would back down No. And then did you leave or how did it get resolved?? Well were both they were both crying. B really, really upset. And I sn I sat there going, lookook guys, I can understand both of your point of view, you know, you're upset because you were given it and you don't want to give it back. You've changed your mind and now you want it back Now, I understand Let's think about what we can do. I will go tomorrow and I'll get you a sticker album as well, Kit. And then you'll have your own stickers. So if you can just give that one stickers tonight If you can just give that that scratch and sniff back tonight You'll have your own tomorrow. No No, this one. I want it now and I was going, Well, that's pointless. What's the point? what's the point? Eva then came in with some of her deodorant and she just got a piece of paper and was spraying it on the paper just to give them S more And she brought some stickers in was trying to so tryrying everything And a practice for a mind to sort out a dispute. Yeah. And so in the end I walked out and I let it be and then I just remember seeing Noah walking out of Kit's room crying, Kit was crying and And I went, Oh, darling, are you all right? And then Noah walked out crying going What's the point? What's the point And I just thought, stuff this, I'm not getting involved. So then I was cleaning Bu's teeth and then I afterwards went in to settle Noah and he was sitting on his bed with like this envelope made out of paper with some sort of printed stuff on it and he was crying. and I went and had him and I was like, Oh, darling, are you allright? I understand, whatever. And then it turned out that after all of that, you know what happened? You know this. After all of that and I don't know why, Kit decided To get his scratch and sniff advert And he put that piece of paper in another piece of paper, he made it into an envelope, and he went and he delivered it to Noah and he said, hereere you go, you can have it back. Which I thought was adore about. And I don't know why Noah Yeah. And then I put my arms around Noah and Noah fully started sobbing into my arms Sobing for I don't know I don't know I moved by what kind. I have no idea, but he did have the scratch and sniff then and so I don't know I don't know why he was sobbing. I think it was a release of emotion and he just sat in my arms sobbing. 'ause I said to Kit Lunch just One of you has got to be rise above this. One of you's got to try to be the better man and just show some generosity to the other. and Kit I will get you a sticker album tomorrow and hopefully they'll I was thinking they better be a flipping lynx advertting in that thing ise Well you'll have to go out looking. I've' I've got it I've got one. on the kitchen table. I' looked at it. it's in a plastic wrapper. Oh Godd. I'll have to open it up but I said, lookook, just give it to him and hopefully you know, you'll get yours you'll get yours tomorrow and you know, he'll be happy. Who would have thought that there would have been that much That's why we don't get to bed on time. There's always something like that going on. These things and also then what they say in the middle of it is you always support, you always go on kids side You you're always supporting no one. It's always me that has to make the compromise. And then it just catchs in it and you go I don't want to be No I'm not no, I'm not I'm not coming down on anyone's side because I'm not you're trying to be totally fair to both of them But then it makes you as a parent, you just think, Oh I don't want to Well I don't feel show any fav anymore. I think because the progesterone or the estrogen is slowly leaving my body. So I think in situations like this I can be quite hardened to it because I don't feel bad because I'm normally complete well, not normally. I always am completely in the middle and just talking from side to side and going right, we need to come up with a solution. We need to compromise and we need to work through this. And I know that within like, you know, the next day everything is going to be perfectly fine you know Over the last few days though, the last few Fridays or something in school, we've had a pick and mix. They were a poundnder bag, weren't they? Yeah a poundnder a bag. Poundnder bag. used to raise money for the school in it. Yeah good. And But yeah, those kids that got out early They were bulk buying. And then by the time and kit bless him, he was working on the stall. and he was there ear. So he was there at half three when I picked Bow up and he was working on the stall. So he'd already, I gave him three pounds 'cause I didn't know how much it was all gonna cost. I gave them all three pounds each And so he'd gone three bags. He'd already got them for himself. Oh stashed them. And he was there from our three working. and so we saw Beau. Beau came out. She wanted a bag, but she can't I mean she can't eat Th about that's just a cho hazard in' it and she wasn't interested anyway, but I got a bag for her I ateem on the way back home Got back went to pick the others up and massive argument kicks off because Eva didn't come out till five o'clock. Yeah. By then they'd sold out and then Eva called Kit selfish. She said you are selfish.ick you've got three bags for yourself you didn't think about us and now there's none left because of people like you buying so many bags. And it was like I said, o, no, no no so Kit didn't know because he was working there and he didn't know they were going to run out. And he's been there since If three, so he didn't just buy them now And anyway, Kit had given a bag he'd given a bag to Eva and he'd given her bag to Noah bless him. But he was crying. He came in through the door and he crying and I was like E called him selfish My go this morning I was supermarket on the way back from the drop off. and I was just getting in a few bits in Bob's Lou roll is what I had. I had a big sixteen pack of Lou roll in me. I go through that in about two days. And then I bumped in. so one of the dads bumped into him this' his birthday today. So said happppy birthday. and you know when you bump into someone in a supermarket and you sort of have a little o yeah little check what they've got and you can see them having a look to see what's in your basket. There's a bit of sort of shame attached to being caught in the supermarket because it's quite revealing what's in your basket And the sort of, you know, the things that you might not be so proud of that you've bought that you buy for your kids. It's not all healthy stuff in there. Yeah. There's a little bit of Well it it's shame. Yeah if I go in there and I say, Ohh come on then we'll go and get a callic and we'll get a kindinder egg. And I go in and I see a mom from school I always have to go, Oh, just a little snack because there've lot of vegetables in the house. It's not all she's having and I always feel like I've got to say that. I always get caught when I'm getting them sandwiches Yeah you're in a real rush, like someone's got football, someone's got that. So right, I'll just buy some packet sandwiches. And then you bump into the mum who's like the healthiest person that's ever existed who just like blends everything. and you're like, yeah Yeah, a basket full of sandwiches and and drinks and crisps. Anyway, ye. what did tea have? You, you weren't ashame of your Lu Roll To be honest. I was so ashamed that I was curry. I don't know why because everyone' gott to buy Lu roo,n't they? Yeah I had a big it was a massive mega pack a Loo roll. Looked like we needed we had we needed a lot of loooo roll We do get through a lot, don't we? Because the kid they used so much of it. pull it like mad? Yeah. You only need like one well that one sh. Oh toest Two sheets. use more than two sheets. Yeah, I use one two sheet. You're looking at your notes though and you've got walking around back of car, which is intriguing me. What is that? Oh yeah. So, the other day, right? the other day, I put Beau in the car We finally got her to get in the car seat. Pfect. It's like a massive negotiation. Every time you get in the car now, massive negotiation. We finally get her in. And you know that moment when you close the door and then you walk around the back to get into your seat And you have that little moment of calm and I just went for f sake And I do it quite a lot now when know like you're so uptight when they wind you up, don't they and you close the door and you say something under your breath. And I was just wondering how many other people do that. when you go I think pissing me off. When you're at the back of the car because you're safe, you know they can't hear you and you just let out and exploit it and hope no other parents seeee you doing this? is that And you're just getting that out of your system. That moment there when five seconds Be you get right back in the c it just sort of just releases that little of pressure. Deckking Oh This is interesting, isn't it? last No, but what I've done what I've done right. So we're doing this deck in, right? I'm doing it am doing it I've looked at the video up and get it down. Yeahve I'm thinking after turn I might get cracking me D down the caravan. some kids will help me. Can I just say when you're doing all of this, can you do it bare chested with your low slung traxi bottoms on? Yep, I can do that. I have one of those muscle vests I put one of them on for you. Now, I'd rather it bare chesteed Right. Yeah. Yeah o. Bed chested and you can wear your nice low sling tracksuit bottoms and then you can d do that. you bring me a cup of coffee every often and some biscuits. Well if we go for it again in the next couple of days, I'll help as well. Let's go for it because I've got it in my mind exactly what I want and then where the decking is going be, I want you to cut out bits of grass and I want little paving stones leading to our bit of paving there. So you can sit on the paving and then you can walk on little paving stones, like little ones up to the decking bed. Yeah The curve thing you're talking about that's like's beyond me I that we can do it You've gott have like a tard then, inn't it? We can't just have it like straight in a square. No, no, it's gonna look really good. It's gonna look really good. We've got a septic tank under there, aren't we? It's like a sewage treatment plant, it's called, but it's just basically a septic tank tank It's got a lid on it. We've got to hide that underneath it. Yeah. And we should have a little hatch type thing so we can get to it. So yeah, what we've got to do is we've got to get a hatch but the previous thing that was covering it was really, really high. Yeah. So we've got to get it really low because I don't want it to look like a theatre stage in the middle of the garden And then and then I'm going put some metal that I've worked it out. I'm going to put metal things bars across it. What? So that the wood can rest on that it won't bounce but it wouldn't need the metal will be under the wood. Yeah, it' be underneath, you won't see it, but it'll be it'll support itself and then it'll be like some sort of trap door sure that this isn't something you lift that up sort of cell that you've got going on in there And then about like twenty years time, everybody's going to find like my dead body under there or something. Yeah. Joe went off. She went off to Malta, she never came back. Turns out she wasn't on Oidin. She never went to Malta. She's under the deccking He buried her under the decacking Oh God. Or we could just do our own bunker, couldn't we Yeah. We could do our own bunker in case there's an armagar done. You still you're still thinking about that video you saw right here when someone dug a you were run about you saw. What? Someone dug a bunker or something. Oh Godd, yeah, I've seen those of people I say A, that. It's rubbish It's nonsense. It's nonsense, a, It's rubbish. It's not nonsense, because is it's not real. Those videos are not real People have dug themselves bunkers and bunkers do exist. so that's not No, but those videos that I've seen them. You don't know what videos are not that proof in it. They're not doing anything. There's not even any air. If you went into that what they've shown you in those videos, you'd suffocate. you ventilation? Wellere's the ventilation come from? Well you've got to think about that. If you build a massive big hole in the ground and you get in it, well you're going to suffocate? Well, what the hell are you supposed to do if there's a nuclear war? and then you have a ventilation system. the bomb is about to go and the es there's like being a nuclear bombo and you get down into the bunker to hide. You don't want a ventilation system going up and getting that a. No I don't know how they're doing it. No has to be a special system, like a filtration thing. Well no one says anything about that when they talk about doing bunkers. No, no, no they don't You could have suffocated in what is the air? If I loed you in here, would you slowly use up all of the oxygen? No, because there's a ventilation thing down there. Oh yeah. So this is a soundproof studio and it's literally air tighten it because it has to be. But there's a vent down there And that vent goes into a tube, that tube goes down into there's a fan thing, like a pump thing. We don't I don't use it. I just leave it open next. it's not a big deal. I always said but you can there is and it can filter the air. There's another vent up there It filters the air. Well I said if I was doing an episode of midsummer murders, this would be the episode. You would be in here doing voiceovers and then I would either block up the vvent or I would put something in and just put in helium or something So that you would think it was oxygen. You would end up talking in a high voice whilst you were trying to do your documentary That would be the comedy element of it. You would be linked up though as well on a Zoom call whilst you were doing it. So the people on the Zoom call would see me in the background doing all a sh shadowy figure That's how they would get me for the crime and that's how I'd do away with you. I'd block up your event Get helium in here and you'd be bumped gone like that. Good episode of Midsone Murder is that? Yeah, That's very good. Yeah. Well, we worked out how we're going to kill each other. I'll get you with helium and you're bury me under the deck end. so that's nice. Yeah, that's satied. Yeah Right, come on then let's go. We've got stuff to do and you need to do decking. So we're going have to say goodbye and we will see you next week. When we get back, we'll let you know how the caravan went, if we even got the caravan and also how the decking's gone. And I mean my God, if he's doing the next episode on his own, I'm probably under the decking. So we'll soon find out. I post a picture of the decking on Instagram With a bit of blonde hair sticking out. See you next week. Be Bye