Workplace pranks and WhatsApp group drama

Welcome to another episode of Extra Lash with Helen An Heiff Are you showing off ' on my Instagram people have been saying you've got a sexy voice? No, said you said in the previous podcast I went really low. Yes. So I thought, Oh ye, I'll do it really low for you. eight What's the lowest you can go? How low can you go? How low can you go? Do you know what that's from first of all, what film that's from? Do it you know what it is?'re familiar with it, but I don't know what it How low can you go? Do you know what it's from? No. Really? Yeah. E think, Do you know what it's from I don't know. Dirty der. No, it's from Greece. You know when they start? Oh yes ye Yeah ye ye, yeah yeah ye. So how low can you go? He's Cliff. He's Ciff Cothe Hes he's cleiff out of my lowest with extra lush with Helen in Heathcliff man Oh God. I've heard that so many times. I don't even want to hear it anymore. Okay It's enough. So shall we have our first voice note before we start arguing Hi, Joanna and James. this is La. I'm calling in from Canada I just wanted to say how much both of you have meant to me as actors over the years. When I was really little, I used to watch David Copper field with my grand before she passed away and to this day it's one of my favorite shows. I wanted to share a parenting fail My husband went out of town and I think I was pregnant with our son And he left us with our left me with our two daughters And our middle daughter was potty training at the time And so they were calm. they were lanapping. I thought, okay, good, I'll just sit down, I'll read my book for half an hour. And I wake up. as she wakes up and she comes down the stairs, sorry. And I notice that she smells really bad and she's left a trail of poo all the way up the stairs. So by the time I get her cleaned up, I get all the stairs cleaned up and have to seeam clean everything. It's now eleven o'clock at night so I'm okay, finally I can go lay down in bed. and then I about the cs lay back in bed just to find a poo bump print on the sheets. And she's left that there too. So I then have to rip all the sheets off bed and tidy everything. and just kind of get all of that sorted. My son yesterday also decided to, he's alsoes now party training. He decided to leave us a present on the floor, so that was fun times too. But anyways, I just wanted to say thank you so much for listening to this Your podcast is such a delight and it brings so much joy. And I hope you both have a just wonderful rest of your day and thank you so much for doing what you're doing. Bye now Oh Lara, thank you so, so much It's really lovely to know that you're listening all the way from Canada talalking about p's in the bed. Oh my God, I remember once getting into bed with Eva when she was dinky into bed she put my bath and her pajamas on. We'd had supper and she was in bed, right and I jumped in ready to start doing stories jumped in, she just kind of started acting just a bit strange. And I always said, Oh, darling, what's the matter? Are you okay? She was like, yes, yes, but she was acting very odd And so I started trying to read and then I thought, no, something is wrong here, somethingomething's out. So I pulled the bedheets back and I have never ever, to this day since ever seen a poo So I would describe it as an alsations. It was about that long, it was about that long And it was just a perfect long straight thing and it was about that thick. It was like an Alsatans's poo. Solidedge just as straight I still see it now on the white bed sheet. Pect straight, long, solid poo. What about what five inches long? It was about that big. It was about that long. that long.cast let's just give the Oh yeah, sorry Well, I'm not very good at measurements. five inches What is that? What is that? About four inches?ight It's about four is that four inches? One, two, three, four I'd say about five inches long fiveive inches long and then I would say one, two, three about three inches wide. No, not w soid. That's three inches. That is not f. That's about an inch. That's not an inch That looks like about two inches. I'd say five by two then, five by two to keep him quiet And and it was and I remember looking at him going Oh my God, I had no idea this was in here sharing the bed with the pair of us. This is unbelievable. so I scooped her straight up and I went, Come on darling, my mamy is going to put you in the bathroom. And I also she was in pajamas. So I don't know how she managed to get her out of the pajamas and into the bed because she was in pajamas And I went, Come on darling, look me it's going to give you a little boss now. And then I went, James, there's a poo in the bed. And he went, do you remember it? Get the wipes, get the spray, get all the gear together. The clean up teams here. Right? Well we're cleaning up this time. The other week we had what happened? Ohob had the runs, didn't she? Yes. she farted. Oh God, yeah she came in. What was it when she came in from school That happened on a c She said I pushed out of. Oh gosh, yes. She said, Mummy, I've had an accident. So I said, o, Darling, quick come on let's go to the toilet. And I said, Oh what happened when she sat on the toilet? And she said, I felt something in my bottom. And so I pushed it out And it was this. It was a poo. And then the other day it was at the same time was living was Oh my God, that was a different one. I forgot about that one. Shening naked. She'd been running around in the nude She'd either had a bath and then she'd refused to put her pajamas on. So I said, Yes, go on, you run around, be free. And so she'd been running around naked for a while and then she was sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching something on her iPad for a little bit and then she started calling me And she was like, Mommy, and I kn she was quite distressed. So I went straight in and o my go, I haven't seen anything like that in ages. It was diarrhea, which had come from nowhere. And it was all over. We've got like a cream carpet It was it was runny diarrhea all over the carpet like the dog had just had an accident on there or something. I scooped her up, took her straight in to clean her down. and I mean then I just thought I'm not going anywhere with that. James, get in, do your job. The dog everyveryone seems to do it on that bit carpet in that section there as well Dogs have been sick there, loads of times. Everything has happened. bit of carpet. Thankfully we've got one of those ones that's like bulletproof carpet isn't it? Yeah. You spray it and its like you can put anything on it and it comes out. And then and then a bit before that other last woman, she had a jippy tummy and this tummy was just starting She'd come in from school and normally she'll go to the toilet straight away from school but she didn't want to this time. And then she started fiddling with her bottom and I said, What's the matter? Are you okay? What's wrong? She saying, I'm fine, I'm fine, there's nothing wrong. So I said,' something up? So then I think she either took too her I think she either took her pants off or she took her trousers off, but I know that she said, Oh smell this mummy. And I smelt, I think it was her pants at first. but I don't know what' happened, but I couldn't get a smell and I didn't think there was anything wrong. And I was saying have you done have you had an accident? She was going, no mummy, no. And so I lifted up and I smelled until I actually had a bit of poo on the end of my nose because I wasn't aware. She was acting like nothing was wrong. And so I ended up having a bit of poo on the end of my nose because I'd had a smell and then I open and looked and was like, o my Godd, I had no idea that this was in there. And so we had to deal with that yeah What did you think about the tea that I did for you when you came in yesterday? Oh That's brilliant. were old school, wasn't it? it was a guy I came in whereere had I been then? I was just picking up notning I was running the shuttle bus service back and forth. I think I could probably sell seats on the shuttle bus. what did you think about the tea U I came back in and I was like, Oh I don't have to make anything now. And you put this plate of sausage and mash and peas with gravy in front of me. I was like then What happened have we gone back in time? A we in like the eighties or something? That is fantastic. When I opened bottle of Beier and I put that in front of I know. I do little things every now and then like that because I got flowers the other day. Oh. Well maybe because I don't know why I subconsciously did it. I was gonna to say I do little things like that every now and then to lull you into a false sense of security and then I jump in there then. I thought I'm not actually asking for anything at the moment at all. So maybe lovely. Iconscious I really appreciate that. Maybe I subconsciously did it because you just came in with flowers for me the other day whichich was really nice. See, if you do things like that, you get nice things back Yeah It's easy in it to get sort of into the whole you know, the day to day of getting doing everything for the kids. Well, I'm following Harand, Erlin Harand, right? I'm following his advice and he said, day to day life, I'm a really calm person I just want to enjoy life. I just keep everything calm and relaxed. I just want to have a happy life. And then he said, but when I'm on the pitch, I'm a Viking. So I am going that I've taken that on board and I'm thinking, I'm slowing everything down and I just want to have a calm happy life. I don't care about stuff. I don't care about just want I just want to be happy and calm and laid back and relaxed. And then when I'm required to bring the Viking out, I'll bring the Viking out. But when I'm not, I just want to have a calm, happy life. Harland's brilliant inn' it? What an inspiration. He's got a YouTube channel Yeah. Did you know that? Yes I did. And I watch I watched something with Noah where he's it's like a day in the life of him. Oh yeah. And he gets back well I think he's going off the train and he goes to the local farm and he gets raw milk because he drink he just drinks raw milk and then he gets some like vegetables and stuff and he gets a massive steak, these massive steaks. He goes after all his training. He comes home, he has an ice bath and a sauna. He's got like a little sauna and ice thing in his garden He goes in there and then he fires up the barbecue and he makes this massive load of meat. And he sits there like he's a Viking. He literally is a viking, isn't he And he sits there and eat this massive amount of meat and he's so chilled. He is chilled. And he's really intelligent And he's really' got a really good attitude to life and he's a smart and it's just an amazing footballer, aren't? He is. You can tell that we're in the middle of the World Cup but we do love Harlem. I love him. love him to. Right I have got a message from someone regarding your shopping shame Supermarket shame. Yeah yeah shame. So I've had a message from somebody on Instagram saying, I met one of my son's friends dads, my son's oh yeah, friend's dads in the supermarket. In his basket he has two packs of Jx lube Flavored condoms I didn't know where to look That's that That is f. That the ultimate supermarket shame. That is, isn't it? it? I mean, it is. What do you think about that? That's not what you want people to see in your basket. Oh my god, you'd be mortified, wouldn't you? You would be mortified Oh God, I would be mortified. Do you know when I was mortified, right? This isn't supermarket shame, but this is kind of like second hand shame. When you're in an environment or in a place and you're doing something that you feel slightly embarrassed about or that you shouldn't be there or whatever. this place, it's not that I shouldn't have been there, but I was quite embarrassed It was when I was still breastfeeding Eva. she wouldn't stop breastfeeding at all. She was just like on there all the time. And I had a urine infection. And so obviously you're breastfeding anyways, so you need to drink loads of water. Uurine infection on top of that, I'm feeling very runund down, very ill dehydrated, even though I'm drinkinging I' just I'm not in a good state and I went to the local hospital walk in kind of one, that's not the massive, massive A and E and the little village, the little walk in place where say you've broken your arm or say you've you know, like cut your finger off or something, That's where you go to. So I go in there and I walk up to the desk And I said I think I've got a urine infection. I've had it now for a couple of days and it was at a weekend. I've not been able to get a doctor's appointment and I'm breastfeeding and I'm in a bad way. I really, really need to get some help And they said she was bloody, I'll say it straight out, she was horrible. She was bloody horrible. And she went, you can't come in here for a urine infect. This isn't the place for this andorever. It's like, Well, unless you want me to go down to my major ANE. I can't go into any doctors. I really need some help She was horrible. And so she said She said, No you can't, you can't come in now. Well, we'll sit down. I'll just have to see if somebody can see you. I sat down, I was doubled over in pain. My boobs felt like they were about to boost as well and I was crying. and then our neighbour came in and he came in with like a massive swollen eye with like an ice pack over it. and he'd been playing golf and he'd had something squirted in his eye, like sprayed in his eye. It was some sort of something either for the stick, the clubs or it was some spraying sort of thing and somebody'd sprayed it in his eye. his eye had gone all big and swollen and he'd gone up there and he'd gone to know about getting it done. And he saw me and he said, Oh my God, Jo, are you alright? What are you doing in here? And I felt really embarrassed about saying I had a urine infection. but I was crying anyway and I had to just go, o this is just awful. I'm breastfeeding and even won't stop. and there's a lot going on and I'm just so stressed and I just feel really yell. I've got a urine infection And I said, they won't see me. The receptionist said that I can't be seen. So he was so lovely. justust off his own back. he just up went up to the desk and he said, I think it's absolutely disgusting. You've got a new mother there, she's breastfeeding. She's also got an infection and she's really, really ill and you're telling her that she can't be seen by anybody I mean, as soon as you know, if you've got a breastfeeding mother and she's got an infection or she's feeling ill, she should be seen and she apologized straight away and then A doctor came out and a doctor saw me actually then straighta away and I said, Oh thank you so much. than you. wentent in and I got tablets full and they looked after me and, you know, and I really needed it. But yeah, but I remember being embarrassed thinking, Ohh my God, o he's coming in and I'm sitting here and I've got to tell him that I've got A urine infection now Not that there's anything wrong with having urine infections, but I just thought I don't want to have to discuss I just sayself with the neighbour. but I'm glad that I did because he gave the woman a shout at It was so lovely. love So lovely. So yeah, I suppose that is some of the most the worst staff that you could be if it was something dodgy Like yeah well, you know I wouldt say if it was something dodgery like a porn mag, but I don't even imagine they sell porn mags any anymore. But yeah, something that you shouldn't that something shouldn't be seen in there. Oh my Godd you be But God on't know him. he's obviously having a good sex life Yeah. Cot You you had to be ashamed because you've got like, you know, pre made sandwiches. Yeah, and a thirty six pack or whatever it was of lou rolls. of L rolls. In fact I need to do that again now because we've gone through them. Oh Godd, we'll go through thirty six of those and blink in overnight. And then I think I've got another message here Oh, yes, I've got another one from somebody called Mrs Parsonsons My old boss used to bump into our secretary now and again doing her food shop, and when she used to go to the tel and load up to pay, he would always sneak something random into her trolley to embarrass her All little shits? Yes Oh my god, you know, a little shit but I quite like that and I think I'm gonna do that to you. nextext time we're in shopping together Just chuckking something random in there. What could you what would you write? If you were going around the shop us we were going around together and then I went up the tailter pate, what would you chuck in to mine Um to embarrass me O years old O your soul. wouldould you put that into pass It's a good prank that't it Yeah. Yeah chucking stuff in. I had on a theatre job once I was working on and it was with a cast of a load of old men actors. And I was going out with this feailer and I got home from work one day and I was unpacking my bag and unpacked and they put condoms in there. And so I looked and I was like little shits and I was laughing and my boyfriend was just laughing. but I went into work the next day and when I went in, I was quite down and quite miserable and they were like, Oh how are you? Do you have a nice time when you got in last night and stuff And I started getting upset and I said, Oh no, I didn't actually.. I don't know why, but my boyfriend went into my bag to get something. and after he'd been in my bag, he went really funny and we had a big argument and he's now finished with me and I started crying and they all started going Oh my go Oh God, you were so sor we ended up we put a condom in there. It was just a laugh and was so sorry, I was so sorry. and then I turned around and went A I got you Well, thank you very much for your messages and your voice note. Keep sending more of them in. We want to hear from you about parenting fails, about my fifty things before fifty. I've been doing the whole full version of that. fifty things to do before your fifty, but I quite like the short, the abridged version. fifty things before fifty Yeah Is there any lasting bit of funness that you want to bring to this to extra lash before we go? I'm going warned to bring something good to the podcast or you were going to fire me. Yeah. you said to me. I did say. I want you to bring something. I said I'm tired today So I want you to bring something good to the pod. I said, it's all on you today. Bring something good to the pod, otherwise you're fired. I said, you can't fire me because you haven't implied me I'm not I've not even got a contract T. Tough. You can't I can just come in can't. So anyway, you have got I'm letting you let us you can do our number for our voice notes and you can say the goodbye to everyone. I did have one thing. What what need to say. What is? So on our parents WhatsApps I can't go into it, but there's been a bit of drama. Oh, I wouldn't go into any of that no All right, okay. Is that what you're going to leave us with? you were ging I was gonna say any got where we can do it like anonymously. Okay. Parents WhatsApp dramas because they're flipping good, aren't they when it kicks off on there sometimes Yeah And then someone sets up b side group and it's all like whoa. Yeah. someomeone's dropped a bombshell. Yeah. So is that what you're leaving us with for the last minute? Well yeah, if you've got any really good WhatsApp dramas like those sort of WhatsApp groups dramas, leave us a WhatsApp message, voice message, telling us about it on the following number Ohero seven four five three, thirty eight. You're looking at me now, like I am sacked now, aren't I? Just And it right.' that? zero seven four five three, thirty eight, twenty two fifty nine. So you can send like a text message to it, but a voice notes are really good. So zero seven four five three, thirty eight, twenty two fifty nine. And we'll see you next week and you can tune in to see if James has been fired or not. Yes, I'm not here, I've been fired. Bye Bye