Football tournaments and competitive parents

Are we good to go? too well Okay Hello and welcome to another new episode of Lash with me, Joanna Page. And me James Thornton. Hello. Oh my Godd, we were just saying that we already have kind of launched into summer holidays. Everything is slowly starting to I want to say what's the word? I want to say debilitate or what it Diminish. Diminish? I don't know It's all coming crashing down. I The enthusiasm's dropping for All of the stuff to be organised at school. Yes. We're being quite la about about Yeah trying have a lie in during the school holidays. Beause it's just been so mad. It's just been so full on. I would just like to say that this is my first podcast back as an official Task Master season twenty one winner. Y. Oh my god, I should have brought Greg's head in. Oh my gosh. I get it. G get it G on. Oh my gosh. yes, so I'm absolutely in Italy over the moon. Last week I was filming in Glasgow all week And I've managed to put on half a stone, which like I don't understand how I've done that just by filming for a week. I mean, I was eating like Nandoos every single day and basically eatating a bit like a pig and ha like lo of I was having loads of sweets and things like that. I think I went a bit mental because I wasn't with the kids So when I was stuffing my face I've comeb back, I've put on half a stone. I'm absolutely exhausted, but I had a really good time filming But I was filming on the Thursday when the Taskmaster fininal went out And the kids didn't know anything at all about it. I have kept it secret. It's Greg's headir James is By Grag's head. that thing like when the World Cup'' gonna go okay. Welcome to the podcast, Greg. You can sit in between us for the whole show. There we go. I'll put you there. Yeah, oh my gosh, it's so funny to finally get my trophy out because I've had it hidden for a year. So last year when we finished filming and we finished the final, I put Greg's head in my suitcase, came home the next day. The kids were in school, so I went upstairs and hid him in the wardrobe straight away because I thought I do not want anyone to know ' they'll just go straight into school and tell everyone. So Greg, you've been hidden in the wardrobe, haven't you for a year? Eva came in from school and she was like, Mummy, did you win? Did you win? So I said, Darling, I can't tell you. I'm not telling you anything. It was just, you know, there were loads of amazing people on it and it was like it was really hard work, but it was brilliant. so youll have to just wait So God love her, they've waited a year. She went straight into the garage and she searched for this head. She went into my wardrobe and she se she searched the house, couldouldn't find it. I was playing it cool. going, yeah, go on, look, there's nothing to find and stuff. So they haven't known for a year And then on Thursday night, we watched it like Linked up. So we watched it like together, but then I came back I was flying home on Friday and I got into the house by about ten o'clock at night. I was exhausted. Eva only just got back from a school trip in France. so she said, Please, mummy, can we put it on and watch it together? So by the time we'd all sat down as a family and we'd watched it together, it was going on about midnight And then when it finished, I said to them, Your task is to find Greg's head. Your time starts now. And then they went off running around the house. They searched everywhere. I was filming it and I'm going to put it on Instagram. But then I started getting a bitbarrassed because the house looked like a bom atitted. I mean it just looked so bloody filthy There was clothes and parcels and everything everywhere because I'd been away for a week. So I had to say to them, ' we're upstairs in my bedroom because I didn't want everybody to have a look at the state of my house on Instagram, although you will see that it does look like a mess. Got them into the bedroom and then said to them It's in the wardrobe, go in the wardrobe and then Eva found him, didn't she? Yeah. Honestly to tell you, I've been so damn petrified about them finding out but here he is. hereere you are You've moved into the house, here he is What's you doing with them? I like his stand look. I like this base is on. I know, it's cool, isn't it?, isn't it? I think it is one of the things that I am the most chouffed about winning, isn't it, Greg? Be I said, Oh my god, it was just so much fun. It was so much hard work and such a huge thing because I was like, I'm going to be fifty next year. I'm not a stand up, I'm not a comedian. I don't think I'm particularly cool or funny or anything like that. And so I thought, I love the show. I'm such a huge fan of it, but oh my go, I'm probably not gonna, you know be able to do it or something, but I think that's healthy and I think that's good to go and do things that will absolutely terrify you. And so I feel like it's a baby that you've just passed back to me that I'm just going to like touch now and nurse like on my shoulder by here. But yeah, I did it because it's our favourite show. It is the one show that I could ever do where I would get some coolness from the kids and I think it's good to do something that will absolutely terrify you And I remember turning up on my first day and I was absolutely just terrified. and just I didn't stop talking for ages, just saying, o my Godd, I can't do this and I'm not funny and I don't think I'll be able to do what you want me to do. And they all just said, calm down, have fun, just be you. That's all we want. They honestly couldn't have been nicer And I remember going in for my very very first task and I was so nervous I messed it up and then my competitiveness kicked in. and I thought for God's sake, come on, you're better than this. Get on with it and have a laugh. Because it's just I love games. I love playing. I love games. I love just walking into a room and not knowing what's going to happen And so I fully embraced it And when we were all watching it and Greg said and now to the last task in teeams, I felt really quite weepy because I think I was very lucky to have shared Taskmaster with such a fab group of people with Joel, Camel, Amando and Amy Honestly, we had a right laugh and I think I've made friends for life there and the whole thing was a utter joy. And then straightaw away they announced the next cast and they're on to the next people now. So the I can't wait to watch the next series because I think that would be fab. And it's funny. Amanda open put a message on our WhatsApp going and we've all been kicked out of the house That's it, that's our lot now. So should we go down there, get ourselves in and then board up the windows and refuse to leave. So yeah, that's it. Greg's moved into the house. We've put him on the shelf now right next to the Tley because I want as many people to see him as possible I'm not being subtle or anything. Did you see when when I found out right, oh my God, when we were all sitting theres weird because you do so many tasks and you're scored on so many things that by the time you get to the last episode, you genuinely write, you don't know who is ranked, where Be somewhere along the line it just sort of just goes. You just don't even remember anymore. And we got to the last episode And I didn't know where we'd ranked. I knew I'd been doing well, but I was aware that I'd only won one episode. but I think I'd been scoring it like second for quite a while. And we were sitting there and then they were counting down everybody and then it got to me in Armando and then I thought, oh my Godd, Armando's won it because I think it was ever since he strapped that baguette to to his calves that he really started going you know, hisis mind was imploding at certain points. He did lose the ability to speak, but hey, I lost the ability to count, but he was like flying away with it. When we got down to the end, I thought, oh my God, he's such a lovely man We were sitting there holding hands and he had been so brilliant to do the team tasks with. I absolutely loved him. and then I didn't know where it was going to be and then they called him for a second. and then I managed to keep it together quite well because emotions were running high and because it's you and you're all on the line and you're exposing yourself so much. It's really emotional. And we were all like, Oh my god because we knew it was the end And then I managed to keep it together, but then I mounted Greg's golden head and I rode him around the stage. but I was still quite joyous but then right at the very end I had to climb up onto the chairs and then I think I just did this primal scream I couldn't stop screaming. I think I was releasing all of the week's worth in the studio and the tasks. Th think it all came out in that one big primal scream Oh my Godd, what an experience. I thought you just played the game as well and you just didn't give a shit. I would have felt so self conscious trying to do those tasks and trying to come up with something funny It's so difficult where you just went with your instincts. it's difficult as well because a lot of people think you're like a comedian. But you're not you're not a comedian. you know not don't you've never done stand upp or anything like that. So you're not like someone who thinks up gags and works stuff out. but you just sort of went wild and allowed yourself to be like a kid just playing again. and then you're just coming up with some crazy stuff. in. Youre. When you're scared of something and they flood you with it, like if you've got a fear of spiders, you're supposed to be flooded with them areren't you with images of them and video until eventually there's one in the same room as you. And I think when you first start doing the tasks You're absolutely terrified and really self conscious and all a bit like, oh my god, but you do about eleven tasks a day. I mean, there are loads of tasks. There's a whole show in itself, which are taskmaster tasks which have never been seen because you do about eleven tasks a day every day for ages And by the time you've done, oh my go, after your first day, after you've done eleven tasks, you kind of have got used to it walking into a room, not knowing what's going happen and just improvising and getting on with it. Yeah. And it is just a utter joy because we're all adults now and we're all grown ups and you spend most of your time being responsible and grown up When you ever get the chance to like walk into a room, open like a you know little envelope card and just see something and you've just got to come up with something there and then, or you get to walk into like some weird made up kind of place where you don't know what's going to be going on. It's like a whole magical world. You never get to do that. You never ever get to play, do you? No. And so to get to play was just amazing. But yeah, so by the time I'd got home It was about ten o'clock. We all watched it. The kids searched for Greg, we found him and then it was going on half past one in the morning when we went to bed. and I was going on Saturday kitchen the next morning and I'd get up at five o'clock in the morning to go and do that So what is that? That means I've had about four hours sleep. Yeah. yeah. So I' had about four hours sleep. and then I got up in the morning and I think because and I'd been on the plane and when I was eating something on the plane, I'd looked at it, right and it looked really bloody. And I was a bit like, Ohh God, you know, I wonder if that's alright or but it's really nice No wasn't steak, but it was some meat and everything. But I think because I'd been up so early and I hadn't any sleep and emotions were all high and I was like, oh my you know, and I'd been filming and my stomach basically was really really jippy. So does I ha't told you this No ye yeah. So on the way to the studio in the morning I to ask for us to pull over to go to services couldn't find any services, but we found a garage. and luckily there was a toilet in the garage. I mean, the chances of that happening right aren't very high. went in and it was one of those toilet rollal things where you know it comes out of a little hole That one and it had been all jammed in, right so there was nothing. So I hadd run around to the Greg's pasty bed and just ask for a load of napkins and they were a really hard brown paper nap pons. felt like I was in school again, went back in, went to the Low, thank God and then came out, searched for some imodium and everything in the garage, nothing to be found. I would like to say right if you run a garage, put some emmodium in there because there are certain things people need condoms, emodium U sweets That's your lot. That's basically you can get by on that, can't you. So I would recommend having that. And and then got to the studio And obviously it's all food and all amazing food and I was ravenous. But my stomach was so jippy that I just had a mint to eat before we started and the mint made my stomach go really bad. I couldn't get off the toilet. They had to go out and get me a modeem and I had to take three emodium before we started filming. Matt Tebert was like, arere you allright? I was like, Matt, I've had three emodium. We're on the edge. Adrenaline's pumping Energy is high, we're on the edge. This could go either way. If I run off, you know camera is on Saturday kitchen. This is on Saturday kitchen. So luckily before it started, the three emodium kicked in and believe me it kicked in for like, oh my god days afterwards. I was like, I'm never gonna pool again. This is like insane But yeah, we started. I've never been on Saturday kitchen before. It was so much fun. Oh my God, they give you non stop wine. Helen is amazing with the wine. Brilliant. and then they just feed you loous. I just want to go back on. I could do it every Saturday morning Yeah since then I've come home and sort of slept for about two days, haven't I? Yeah I was trying to watch you when you' on Saturday kitchen, read on the tele it? Yeah. And Boge was just constantly asking for stuff like Daddy. She's going to a real phase now is D. She wants you to do everything with her, watch everything that she does. She just wants one hundred percent attention all the time. Yeah. yesterday. I was just constantly literally every thirty seconds I was ha to put a postn't even threatened me yesterday. Because she was doing a show. and so she had some Simpsons characters of kids, which she was hiding on the floor. She was putting them up above the table And she was doing a show with them and I glanced just down for one moment to check that Bess hadn't eaten Beau's food. And she literally just went Watch me. So I was like, o, darling Watch me. So we can't take our eyes off her at the moment. No, it's another phase, I think in it Yeah. I remember a friend of mine said to me, Ohh, you know, when you have kids Just to go through phases, just look out for it and just that's all it is. Don't get yourself too worked up about. It just comes and it goes and she's in a phase at the moment, isn't she where she's just wanting loads of attention Yeah and just really wants to just shout your name all the time. Yeah And I find it really tiring like, Do you find it ting when before your child says anything, they always have to say Mummy. And so sometimes I don't respond to the mummy, I'll look at her and she will go Mummy, mummy until she gets a yes out of me and I find saying the yes, exhaust and. If she just went, Mummy, why do elephants how do elephants breathe I'd just answer the question and I'd feel kind of allright, but I find what's exhausting is that mummy Yes. How do elephants breathe? And so I try and ignore the yes. but if I don't say it she goes Mummy, Mummy, even if I'm looking at her and then I have to go Yes How do elephants breathe? She woke me up at one o'clock in the morning the other day to ask How do elephants breathe? What did you say? I said, Darling, I just can't even do that at the moment just lie down and go to sleep. Talking about that it's quite clear, right that I am still sleeping in bed with her. I haven't seen any further stories on the Daily Mail website about our sex life or our marriage, which I'm slightly disappointed with. Do you want to tell our listeners How our sex marathon is going? You know our exercise? have sex every day or do something sexual every day. How has it gone since we last recorded? I'm bloody exhausted. Yeah abbsolutely exhausted just like you've been relentless It's been just relentless sex Do you want to tell what really has been happening? Yeah, nothing because you've been away. A nothing. You Since we did the last podcast, you went away for a week. I did I went away that night or the next day, didn't I? Yeah. We haven't Weve been. we were up like you got back when you did get back finally. You were up late with watching Taskmaster and then you were off in the morning first thing So we we had Sunday and then Sunday I was off on a football tournament. Yeah So now probably about the only chance we've had. We haven't kissed no sexual no contact whatsoever. No So and then when I came home I just went straight into bed with Beau because she was really small and cute and cuddly and it was lovely K I'm gonna love you forever When they grow up and then you know they go to university and they all leave. I mean are you then? You know it was nice when you went away actually. I got to settle Beau and I got to have the cuddles with her. It's so nice. It's really nice, isn' it When she like rolls over and she puts her arm over like that and then a leg And we know when they're just the cuddling and the squeezea. Oh when they a million dollars. You know, yeah, It's amazing. When you cuddle and squeeze then, but you know when you get the first squeeze back. And it's a real big squeeze Yeah, so our sex marathon, right?'s not even started. So Oh God, we'll attempt together, isn't it? Isn it bad, right? I mean surely right? Th things are fine because we've been with each other for years and I love you, right and you're my best friend. Is it bad though that when I say the words sex marathon, my first reaction is o God, can't be arome knacker. Well sex marathons quite a lot What can it really? a sex marathon You know, small steps, you know Let's not go for the marathod yet. Shall we give usight off and then start tomorrow? Yeah the thought of it. What I'm worried about now is we've sort of made a rod for our own back now. We have to report back. You have made any rod Every ro his back front end and I seen a rod off you and I don't know how wrong So what else has been happening to you? Well I've been away for the week. What news have you got to tell me? Oh my gosh. I was absolutely shattered. Yeah. Because you're not there, I have to get up earlier. So I'm up at six to make sure everything's sowed out so the food's laid out. I try and get it all laid out So I'm ready for any sort of crisis because there's always something that comes at you in the morning when you're trying to get ready for the school one, something unpredictable happens that sets you back ten, fifteen minutes. It's that stuff you can't predict. Yeah. whyy are there no socks where they should be Why's one shoe gone? Miss. Where's the shoe gone? Yeah. And then or Beowu wants a certain toy for show and tell Sow and tell. I'm not sure I've show and tell I think show and tell Well show and tell has become every day now with b day it is on because you've run out of stuff for show and tell. We've run out of stuff to take in You're not supposed to take toys in? No But we've run out of stuff now. Show and tell is like finding something for show and tell before we leave school for school is' a big it's a mission. So were you glad that I came back? Yeah'm up so I'm up early and then I'm getting all the bags packed and everything. that's all al ready and that stuff's all done It's just trying to get him all out on time on your own. And I'm trying to get myself ready as well, you know. So that was timeing. And then flipping Scruffer, one of the guinea pigs gets an absbscess. Again he's kidd. while you're away. under his I've got to get him down the vets. he's got whilst working at the same time he's got to go to the vets. He's got to have an operation. So he goes in for an operation, then he comes back, thankfully he's allright. Yeah. because I was like, oh my gosh. he had his operation and then he had to have all this medication. So I've got to give him this and it's really difficult to get into a guinea pig's mouth to get all. It's really good at. He's very good at it Thankfully's really good He's really good at it. And you don't know where a guinea pig's mouth is because I always think it's their nose, but it's all the way down there. So when you're holding, you've got to put the dropper far lower than you kind of think. But he's so sweet and very good at taking his medicine. So Scriffer's living in the kitchen at the moment in his own cage because he can't be with anybody else and he has to be can't have any straw or anything because he's had an operation. he's got a scraw. What happened when you went to see him the other? He was off his Oh my gosh. When he got home from the vets, he was off his face. Picked him up and the vet said, just to be aware, he's not himself and he won't be. If he looks really spaced out, it's because he's had so many drugs. He's like literally off his head And he was just staring into space like it was like he was It's like he was in the eighties and he'd just been to some like acid house party and just come back and he was just like he was just staring and he wasn't moving. She said, you know, the next day that'll be, you know, that'll be the most difficult. you know you know he's got an eighty percent chance of survival. Oh. So I was like, o gosh, right okay. If he dies now while you're away, it's awful So anyway, we sort him out, we go to bed, he's all sorted. comeome down in the morning before anyone gets up. I just check I just check the guinea pig. Put me hand in and normally if you put your hand anywhere near a guinea pig, they just run off, right? just they just run, don't they? I put me hand in, he didn't move put a hand on him. He didn't move. So I was like, o my gosh. So then I started shaking him. He still didn't move. And I had this like rush of like o my God, my stomach's churning. He's dead. Yeah. He's bloody' dead And I shook him again and then he went and he started moving I said like, Oh God for that. because this morning is not the morning when I want to announce to everybody Scruff has just died in the nightime. And then I was thinking, we've got four of them We're going have to go through that at some point before saying that they've eventually died because they're for evidence. That's life and that's death, isn't it? We've already been through it once with Daisy, our lovely Jack Russell. Yeah. And I remember everybody was stinky and we buried her and You know, I mean and I always think it's better to be honest and truthful about what happens, you know, with things. And much unlike my own mother who when I had Tiddle's m When you're listening to this, you know what I'm talking about Ed Els, my cat, who I was told left our house because she found another family who probably loved her more and she was very happy there and was probably getting fed and was just very happy and found another family who loved her And I remember up until the age of about thirty five just was thinking whyy did Tiddles leave me? Why did she leave me? you know I loved her so much. Why did she leave? Age of thirty five I was saying this to mum and mum my don no, Tiddles didn't leave. she was run over on Roger Street. She died. L quite relaxed. and I was like, what What M no, didn't you know? I said, No, of course I didn't know because you told me that Tiddlless left. And then Mam has actually spoken to me afterwards and has said, it is better just to be truthful about stuff because she said at the time and I mean that's what it was like in the eighties, wasn't it? Yeah. So when Daisy died, I remember everybody coming and saying goodbye to her and everything and we all buried her And yeah, that's what it's like if you have the utter joy and love and just the wonderful honour of spending your life and the whole of their life with a wonderful animal like our dogs and our guinea pigs.ing Yeah. And if you've had that and you've, you know, then the least you can do is be honest about it. and then you know, you do have to say, Well we don't have them for long When we do, we give them all of the love and the care and the happiness we possibly can give them. So yeah, anyway, he's alright. He's made a good recovery. He was eating He's doing al right. He's stinking out of the kitchen because he sms way. No I don't think he is in the kitchen. Ch changing his blanket. I've got a blanket' down for him This' nice soft blanket I'm changing them so don't smell too much No I do He does need to be out with you can see though he needs to be back with his mates because and he needs to be outside again because I think he's Well I know he's going to be sad but he's got to recuperate because he's got a big scar so he can't go out yet. But I do have to be honest, you were saying about o you know, we can have guinea pigs smell in the kitchen. I can't smell him. I'm not smelling him any we' changing his little blanket all the time and clearing him out all the time. and I think it's quite nice for him to be in the kitchen and just be recuperating and relaxing. I mean, I've never seen him eatating so much food this morning. he was straight out there eating them I was gi him I gave him a little bit of iceberg lettuce and watermelon, which with guinea pigs, you're supposed to give them like dark leafy greens like spinach and kale and all of that sort of stuff as well as other things. But as a little treat you can give them watermelon and iceberg, but it's quite watery so they don't get a lot you know from it. So as a treat I gave him some of that. I have never seen a guinea pig go so wild for iceberg lettuce. abbsolutely loves it. Yeah. I'm giving him all sorts of other stuff as well. and his kibel Oh my god he's clearing that. Oh good good. Maybe he's chaffed to be on his own for a bit so he can finally get to the food. We have four big bowl fulls then, but I mean Charlotte and Avocar Charlotte and Messi. they are like or size off small pigs. Yeah they're the bosses are They are yeah. so I mean, maybe they're e I think he's having Nice time just getting to just relax and eat everything What do we think about the start of the World Cp I have to say I'm not liking the fact that the matches are so late, although yesterday we watched one and it started at about six. That was quite nice. That was allright. But I'm not going to be very good at the ones unless it's like England or Scotland playing. If they're at two in the morning, I will be right up but normally I like watching all of them, you know even not it's all right if it' school holidays At the moment because it's like school nights Well, it's a bit late, aren't there some of these game mean Well We've got eightven if you start England the England? No, no, the England's on Thursday. England It was on the eighteenth. Oh my god. I wasing the eighteenth of July. No no, no That's the final, isn't it? This Thursday is and and then but it's like a nine o'clock kickoff We we got a land We got to watch that. that you have to. What do we think about the team? so far, who do you know in the team? Do you know what they're like? What do you reckon? how do you think we're going to do? don't I don't know actually. You just don't know until they start playing competitive matches You know, I think we've got a really good squad. I think they're a really good team. Yeah. they play well together. There's so much there that's positive. but you know, it's difficult every match is tough nowadays. Who will we playing I watched last night I watched Japan Netherlands And they're both brilliant teams And so there's so many countries where you know they're really of a high standard. so you can get caught out dead easily. Wh Nothing's guaranteed. Who are we playing on Thursday? Thursday it's Croatia, which is a difficult game. Are they really good? Yeah Yeah and they've got I think they've got Modrick in there? aren't they playing from? Who is it the table? Noah's crazy. He knows all the I don't know how he's learning it all. he knows all the players' names, what clubs they play for. He's got He's got his wall chart now Noah Noah Football obsessiny and he is well into it. Anyway, we'll see one. Oh my gosh, I didn't did No, I did tell you, didn'tner I thought I didn't tell you but I I did tell you. At the football tournament the other day One of the dads from no, it wasn't a dad us, it was a coach from the other team the opposition team got booked by the referee. What? Why? Bearing in mind this is like under ninees football. What happened? Well, Noah wass playing under tenens because he's playing a year up but he was like is under underends to football tournament, right?. One of the coaches one of our team he was putting his bib on to come on as a sub So he's getting his bib on because he had the same colored shirts. And the coach went, timeim wasting, Rh, time wasting. He's taking age, he's putting his bib on. his's time wasting. He literally genuinely couldn't get his bib on. He got his arms t He't get his bib on and then he's been time wasting he's getting more and more worked up Oh my god. Got his bib on and he got on and then he started having to go at the Re with this coach and then he swore at the ref. Are you serious? S time was did. He said what did he say? F word? No wait, I'm loud in front of all the ks. And then good for the ref, right? Re went right it's not yellow hard and he books him. I couldn't believe it. What We were laughing, we were like, What's going on here? We're obvious looking out for the ref because you don't want anything Yeah to happen to the ref. Oh my god. But I mean, it wasn't like Well, it was just too much. Well, obviously. It's too much, isn't it? I know. The ref The ref is on a young lad and he's like a volunteer. Yeah. He's doing it in his spare time I just find it mentaliz. It's crazy, isn't it? It's just too much. Yeah. So yeah, he got booked. Iember And then he went off later on. he went to the referee's tent to complain about the decision. Oh my go, that's ridiculous. J just I remember onene of our old neighbours, Antony, he was can't remember if he was the ref in the game, the children's game or if he was there. I think he was the ref. and one of the dads came up and punched him full on in the face. Oh my go. Oh my gosh, it just gets mad, doesn't it? Yeah I mean, you know it gets competitive, doesn't it? But that's m. But then at the end of the day, it's just under ten' football. Yeah, you know. Right. Okay, we're gonna head off now. I think I've done as much talking to you as I want to. Yeah. I'm being quite yeet in my contact with you. You you know what's good at is Greg he's here now and he just listens to it. He just has to listen to all these stories. I know. Let put your. Cut you off. Yeah. put your head next to Greg's. I want to see about you've got about the same size head. Yours is a bit wider. It's the same length It is the same length. Yours is slightly wider. It could be you I mean, genuinely, kind of could be you. It looks nothing like Greg. Well, it's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye from Greg. Goodbye, Greg. Thank you for being well, one of our guests. Yeah. It's been a good podcast. It' a good podcast guest. You've just stayed silent and just let us talk See you next week. B Bye