Managing Burnout and Finding Your Tribe

I think there are things we can do in life that really complement our natural sense of self and interests. And if you find that, I guess what I'm saying is instead of struggling against the wind, find the wind that goes in the direction that's comfortable for you and forget all those other things that go against you. You can find your right people, you can find your right job, you can find what fits and anything that doesn't fit doesn't need to be there. Even if it's I hate to say this Close family Close friends If they're not supportive, if it's uncomfortable, if it's difficult And you've tried and you've done your best, you can move on. And find your happiness, find your peace, find your people Find your joy because It doesn't have to be that big of a struggle. if you surround yourself with the right scenarios and people, I think Welcome to Meet My Autistic Brain. I'm your host, the Autistic Woman. Is it possible to be yourself as an autistic person and find your happiness late in life Before Alexis knew she was autistic and ADHD, she thought she was simply unusually perceptive, unusually sensitive, unusually driven Then one social media video changed her understanding of her life The right content can shift everything In this episode, I'm talking with the fascinating Alexis Krull, who became a model and actor at age fifty one, just two years before she found out she's autistic and ADHD But why would someone with a fear of being seen choose a profession where all eyes are on her? Alexis shares refreshingly candid stories about her childhood experience wearing uncomfortable clothes and her high school days wearing clothes that made others uncomfortable Listen now to this delightful conversation with the beautiful Alexis Kruel Hi, Alexis, thank you for taking the time to be here Hello, it's so good to be here. Thank you for having me Well, I am thrilled to have you here. You're a model and recently came out as late diagnosed autistic. And I'd like to know about your experience. So let's start with When did you learn your autistic and ADHD And what was happening in your life that led you to get a diagnosis Yeah. so It was a fluke. I am on social media all the time. So I do a lot of commercial modeling, social media content creation for brands, UGCs, and so I'm on Instagram and TikTok a lot and I don't know how or why autism came up in my feed, but it did And there is this autism assessor in Australia and her handle is, while you wonder And it was this video her at the beach and it was like How my autism looks at the beach And it was the sticking sand that was like that she couldn't get off. and the breeze and the hair bothering her across her face and the sparkle of the sun on the water And just all of that ick that I hate the beach and She did it in such a way that I completely related and I was like, how is that autism? You know So I got on Google And I found this website, which is the artofautism. com And they have this page, which is females and Aspergers a checklist. It was from like twenty nineteen. So it was still an Aspergers' thing checklist read like my biography and it brought back all of these memories and things In my life that just resonated so deeply and it made so much sense that I could not belieieve it. It was it was like a montage playing backwards. and I started thinking of all of the awkward moments and the troubles with friends and relationships that I'd had with best friends that just Wait completely cold one day and not understanding those things and struggles I've always had meltdowns and sensitivities and It was mind blowing and that day We were supposed to do a progressive dinner with our neighbors, which was really intense. like eight people going from each neighbor's house for each Meal dessert, drinks The whole time I was coming out of my skin because I'm seeing myself like outside of my own body how I'm working really hard for eye contact how I'm trying to make sure that I'm showing interest when I'm maybe not so interested and just feeling panickic like I wanted to leave and wanting to get home and really do a deep dive on autism. because for me, it had only been a friend of mine from high school son who You know, I think he's like level two or three That's what I thought of autism, not me. S I onnce I saw that it could be different and it different in women and the masking And here I am modeling, which is masking and acting And everything I've done in my life, it was just incredible. So I decided I wanted to get an assessment because I love collecting certificates on things. and It's really hard as an adult I live in Vegas and There weren't that many resources, so I found Prosper Health, which does telehealth And I got an appointment with them and immediately started creating documentation childhood photographs, videos all of these pictures of me with this super flat affect or kind of having a meltown on my mom's brushing my hair and every special interest I've had, I just I brain dumped and came to that assessment completely prepared, which was such an autistic thing to do. And that's how I got my autism diagnosis. and it is like the greatest thing besides meeting my husband that has ever happened to me And then just a couple of weeks ago, I got diagnosed with ADHD because the autism alone didn't wasn't a perfect fit because I love change, I love doing new things. I like mixing up the routine I'm always flittating around the house, never sitting still. So I felt like there was a different piece. and AudiHD really made sense to me. so It's official and I am AudiHD. And I'm fifty four, by the way, I was diagnosed last year at fifty three That's definitely a late diagnosis. Yes. Did you share that you're autistic with family and friends and how did you choose who to tell I did. I told everybody, anybody, pretty much who would listen. I was very careful about sharing it within my industry because I am a new model. I decided at fifty one to put myself out there and see if I could become a classic model. And I immediately got signed and I was like, you know, I've been in the business for like two years at the time last year. And I wasn't sure how the industry would take it. My agents bookings, things like that. So I kept it on the download considered whether I would come out publicly But I told my childhood friends, I went K through twelve with the same people and all of my O friends We're like Oh, yeah, duh. L that makes so much sense So my friends totally got it. and It was I cried. it was like It just made everything in my whole life make sense I have some family members that were very supportive. it turns out. I have ADHD in my family. I have cousins who are absolutely autistic on the spectrum I believe that my biological father was as well But interestingly, I do have a very close family member. who just was like, o, you should take a Myers Baks test. You might be an INFJ, whatever. and she just literally refuse to buy into it, believe it, hear me out and just wouldn't wouldn't hear of it, D didnn't want to talk about it at all So I think that's a common experience that there's someone in our life who doesnesn't buy it or believe it either. Yes And it's crazy because that is the person who has known me since the day I was born who's seen all of that stuff And that was the person who I wanted to understand the most, who I wanted to understand it the most. because it made sense of you know, just are dynamic and it just she just refused to give it the time of day, which basasically said everything right It's I'm sure it's not unique, but it is it is very sad because you want those people to understand you. You know? This is why I was a sensitive kid who wanted to rip off her clothes when they were uncomfortable or couldn't stand being in the sun for too long or whatever those things were that caused fights growing up you would think there'd be some compassion and grace and understanding, but Maybe for some people, it cuts too close to the bone or maybe it makes them think about how they might have some similarities But yeah, it was disappointing, to say the least. Well sometimes they've come to know us a certain way and changing that view of us is just too difficult for them to deal with or understand, really Yep. So you go to the people who get you and there's a lot of there's a lot of that. I have a lot of them That's fortunate, wonderful let's go back in time just a bit The diagnostic criteria requires a person to have issues with social communication hyperfocus and or sensory sensitivities So let's start with the last one. How does sensory sensitivities affect you besides what you've already told us everver since I can remember, my parents used to call me Princess in the pea because I was the kid that could not stand the tags in my clothes, itchy collars. You know, I grew up in the seventies, I'm JenX. So Polyester. orrible And my mom was the type that, you know, I wore tights and Marry Janes and the seam on the toes of those tights or Arenalines with pretty dresses that were just super crunchy and uncomfortable I can remember We went to Stride Rite, which was the children's shoe store back then. and there was a pair of shoes that my mom really wanted me to have. I must have been about five and they were horrible and uncomfortable. and I said, no. And she was like, well, you're going to wear them. And I said, I am not going to wear them and on the way home I literally threw the box out the window. Oh no. Yeah And my mom, my mom learned at that moment like don't like let's compromise because Alexis is gonna She's going to have a mind of her own. She's going to say no. everver since I can remember, I have been sensitive to clothing the feel of sheets Temperature, I don't adjust well to temperature, light sound smmell is a huge factor for me pererfumes, flavors. I can taste every flavor and everything So everything's just very intense. know the hum of the air conditioning or the clock ticking on a wall in a corporate office All just been super sensitive and often called out for that And I was wondering why nobody else going on. And I'm sitting in my closet because it is the most soft place with the least amount of echo. And if you look at my clothes, it's the same linen shirt in five colors or the same soft E shirt fifteen colors and the same seamless bra you know, like I buy the same thing in different colors that's comfortable because I am just I'm very sensitive. Yeah And with me, it's especially shoes I used ye they just didn't make comfortable shoes and then I realized it wasn't them. it was me Yeah. and I for a while, I thought I was a size half a size bigger Be I was trying to buy for comfort Th my then it was like sloppy and it literally took me until I was like forty to figure out my actual shoe size because I was always struggling with them being uncomfortable. and now I've learned find comfortable shoes All right, you know Yeah, and that can be a challenge too I know, but I have my favorite brands and I have them all the same that you know, like different colors of the same Once you find it, you just gott to buy it deep. That's right Eespecially because they might not carry it anymore when you need another pair. And then you go on Poshmark and eBay and you buy them secondhand, which I do all the time. Yes. Oh, that's so familiar.. What was your social life like in high school, for example High school is a struggle, honestly I would say that Going back to elementary school, like let's take a step back I was very much, I thought that because I was sort of an only child, my siblings being twenty years older than me, And I was always the little adult in the room. I didn't enjoy playing with kids. I didn't find them interesting or fun I prefer to be with the adults. I preferred to play by myself a lot of the times. I would go to friends' houses, often call my mom to come pick me up early because I was like over it But I always had friends, usually a best friend And I'm very much that one on one go deep type of intimate relationship person But I was very well accepted and popular at times. There were very, you know, I had peaks of popularity But I struggled being in that popular crowd because it was very much bigig groups Big groups talk about people, they're disingenuous They kind of are a little backstabby bully other people. I just I struggled with that. So I was always on the periphery of kind of popular, but Kind of the lone wolf that stood out and was a little weird, a little unique. By the time I got to high school It was very like the masking was very hard. I just wanted to get out of there. I did not want to be with teenagers. I wanted to be an adult and I think I did stuff to make myself be less approachable I hung out with the alternative crowd But even among the alternatives, I was alternative to the alternative. I I think I dressed in a way that didn't attract boys too much because I didn't know what to do with all of their attention. I just kind of kept my head down. and had a boyfriend and spent my time with them rather than in the groups So I ended up graduating high school early and getting out as quickly as I could. I did not enjoy it. It was very uncomfortable. I graduated a year early for that very reason. Really? Yes, I was happy to get out of there. Oh my God. I wish I had been born an adult. I just I struggled with it. All of the little reindeer games and I just couldn't handle it at all. I was very unhappy in high school And did you actually know you were different or did you struggle to be like others I never wanted to be like them. So it was more that I mean, I think if you go back and you ask anybody from my high school, I definitely stood out and You know, I had my own unique style of dressing. Sometimes I'd wear a wig to school just to mix things up. I think that might be the ADHD like I was bored You know, I'd wear like a nineteen forties vintage dress with a men's pair of Oxford shoes and a long curly haired wig I just just didn't care what other people were doing. And in fact, if there was a trend I would just do the opposite of it So I always knew that I was different Little girls wanted to play with baby dolls and they wanted and they wanted to share my toys and my, you know, I was a Barbie girl Barbie was an adult who had a cororvette in a condo and And she was cool I never wanted to be the mommy and I certainly didn't want people playing with my toys. L bring your own toys. I didn't understand sharing So that was always kind of a challenge or Little girls would hold hands or be really close and touchy and I was always like, don't touch me So it didn't mesh with the social norms And I definitely felt different I didn't understand how all these other little girls were communicating in a way that seemed so natural for them when I just felt reallyally out of place. As a result were you bullied? Nobody bullied me, No That's wonderful. Yeah. I mean, I got teased for things like You know, I My looks, I was very ale, I had very high arched eyebrows, you know, I didn't look like the other kids I always held my own ground and I was the one that would stand up on the bus for the kid that was being picked on sense of justice Super strong And I would go right into it and not be afraid. So nobody ever really messed with me. I put off an air of like I'm kind of unapproachable for those kinds of things. Like youre you're not going to win this fight, right?ot And it's not a fist fight, it's a fight of words and I would I just seem to have a way of just stopping it really quick That's great. That's great So after high school, did you go on to college or university Yeah, I took a year off I didn't know what I wanted to do that I would go into physical therapy because I have hypermobile Eller Danlow syndrome. so I was ofen injured or in physical therapy and that seemed like you know, a wise move that I could always be able to work on myself if I got injured, which I would. but It turns out, I worked in PT And I couldn't stand the smell. I was a physical therapy assistant and just the bodily fluids and the peroxide and things I It was gross I just couldn't. And it was very High contact, high touch work? And that didn't jive with me either. So I pivoted to public health And I majored in health promotion and behavior at the University of Georgia. I had been into psychology since middle school I was a peer educator. I worked in the counseling department in high school veryer obsessed with psychology and sociology and what makes people tick. Little did I know I was trying to understand them, right? And so health promotion was a great fit for me at the time because I was V into fitness and strength training because of the EDS And it married the behavior change psychology aspect with a health degree. So That is what I did in college Did you find college easier or harder than high school or was it about the same academically, it was super easy. I graduated top of my class of ninety six in the College of Education at the University of Georgia. So I had the highest GPA out of like, I don't know how many thousand Well So I was suuma Kum loud and I made straight As. I found college should be so much more interesting than high school because I got to pick those classes and they were something that I was interested in and the high schoolers weren't there so they weren't Like once you get rid of that, Stressor. And you're on your own and you're in the adult world. It was way better. And socially I didn't I had a best friend who's still one of my best friends and we lived across the hall from each other, had the same major. and she and my boyfriend at the time were all that I really needed. I didn't I didn't party. I just studied and kept my head down and all into my academics Well, you already mentioned Aylor Damos. So let's segue into something a bit different that I had never heard of before Scopophobia. Scopophobia. Yes. That's the fear of being seen And how does that apply to you? a model Well, that's kind of why I got into it. So I've I used to be very self conscious about getting my photo taken as a child. People would come up to me and my mom when we would be out and they would they would comment on me I have very blue eyes, I have a unique face, and adults would come up and say things about that I was a pretty child or whatever And My mom and dad's best friends were portrait photographers in Atlanta. like the Big wedding Bar Mitzva photographers in Atlanta. They wanted me to be their muse. And so I had to sit for portraits for them and I hated it. So if you can imagine an autistic child on the verge of having a meltdown, basically giving that dirty look at people. That is a lot of the photography is me just flat affect, get me out of here I don't want to be in front of this camera And a lot of my a lot of my childhood pictures are like that. veryer flat. not wanting, not smiling I learned to put the mask on. and by the time I was in my twenties was pretty that was pretty much gone. and I learned how to smile and I learned how to do that But I always was uncomfortable with people I've always been very self conscious about my legs and things like that. so I don't wear shorts. I never wear bathing suits, I didn't go On spring break, I avoided the sun and was always afraid that people would talk about me And so I avoided being in the center of attention wantanted to be in dance class, but I didn't want to be in the the recital. As a figure skater, I love doing the test sessions, but I don't want to be in the ice show or competition where everybody's looking at me So I didn't realize I had scophobia until I started going down the autism path and seeing all of these things But My motivator kind of to become a model at fifty one was to Exposure therapy myself. kill it with fire You know putut myself out there People take pictures of me, wear the bathing suit try to accept myself and just you know, sunlight's the best disinfected. So I think it's exposure therapy, not immersion. It might be immersion therapy too. J Sift Dive off the diving board and do the thing that makes that's uncomfortable until it's not uncomfortable anymore That's amazing. Yeah, that's amazing Now one of the things you wrote on Instagram is Somehow I was blessed with a super tenacious attitude and perceptive intelligence that allowed me to overcome or mitigate the challenges and thrive What do you mean by perceptive intelligence Wow, did I write that? M I don't know about you, but I have always almost like been able to see through The motivations of others See the things that are rippling under the surface that other people miss Slightest changes in body language or inflection and just being very hyper aware of my surroundings in terms of people are reacting to me or to others allowed me to ceue into what was acceptable, what was not acceptable, how people reacted positively or negatively or And then I was able to kind of copy and paste Things as needed in a way that was Tasteful to others If that makes sense? Sure, yes, it does It takes being very hyper vigilant. I mean I think a lot of us are hyper vigilant because it's there's so many of those moments where you do something wrong, maybe just a flash of a look on your face. where people are like, what why did you do that? Like what is that? And you're like, I just I just had a thought and apparently, the thought came out of my face And now they know that I was thinking like, that's dumb or whatever it is, know. And you learn You learn by watching other people how to do it differently so that those moments of embarrassment or discomfort are fewer and more far between And being perceptive is I think how we mask like you have to you have to pick up on those cQues in order to blend in a little bit better Absolutely. Yeah. So how did that help you overcome or mitigate the things that challenged you And I'm thinking now of the many careers you went into, did you feel that Being perceptive made a difference I think being perceptive, I mean, that's just Bot in nature, I'm aware of everything. I think the different careers that I've had, you know, I Like we said, I majored in public health. I was an epidemiologist for a little bit, but I started seeing people as the vectors of disease, and I'm like, okay, this isn't healthy. And I went into human resources, which is very much like counseling. and recruitment, which is pattern recognition, understanding someone's background, listening to what they're saying, being perceptive being able to talk to people and dig deeper and find the root cause of things When I was in my When was it In two thousand nine, we left New York City and I didn't have to go back to a corporate job and I was Lucky enough to be able to pursue my special interests, which was amazing So I took up skiing, which I had never done before. and I love process of learning and It's going from beginner to expert in that deep dive that I Love that journey So going from a never ever skier to being a ski instructor and then getting the metedal and getting the certificate and checking that off my list and then being like, now what? And Figure skating. Oh yeah, I wanted to do that. Now I'm going to do that. I'm going to become a figure skating judge. I'm going pass all my tests, get my gold medal I'm going to do that. I'm going to do pistols. I'm going to become an NRI pistol instructor. That's my ADHD and my autism working together In order to go from beginner to expert, lease You have to be very perceptive to know how your body is in space, your propriore reception, how to how to make the perfect turn on a pair of skis and All of that, if you're not perceptive, you're you're not going to get Great. ever, but quickly. And so perception comes in handy when you like to pivot and do new things and do them like amazingly well if you can I like doing things that I do well If I can't do it well, like math then I don't want to do it Tect Well, you've been in many careers. You've already mentioned some of them. Do you have a favorite H. I would say, I mean I feel like The modeling and commercial acting is my favorite because I'm running a business. know, I didn't make money skating I barely made money skiing. you know, seasons pass and kind of thing. This is the hustle The hustle of never being a model and trying to figure out how I get the attention of modeling agencies and talent agencies and taking classes and reaching out to brands and getting brand deals and learning how to read a teleprompter and then seending invoices and marketing and making my websites and Like it's just so much stuff and so interesting and every day is different And it's It's super fun And I can't believe that I get to do that. People do my hair and makeup. you know, my special interests include hair, makeup and clothing. you know And here I am and other people put I in. Dress me up and I get to play pretend it's super fun. This is definitely the best So how did you get involved in modeling? In other words, how did you get that first job? What was going through your mind about wanting to model I think, you know, all my life, I've had that ever since I was a little girl, people making comments you know, my friends in college asking me to model for them. in their photography classes in art school or whatever. and I did a little bit of modeling in New York City for Tony and Guy. I got scouted on the street to be a hair model. so I did They did live haircuts on me But that was it and It wasn't until I was fifty one and we were at a club People. were coming up to me asking me if I'm a model and I'm like, I'm five foot five And I'm fifty one years old. I am not a model But a few people had asked me at this big industry thing And I was like,, I wonder what would happen So I Got online and I'm like, how does one become a model? Well, you take digitals with your cell phone, just no makeup against a plane backdrop and you submit them to modeling agencies. And so I did that and I got signed and meet like right away. and I enrolled in a class on how to do self tapes because When your agent submits you for commercials, you will get like a self tape audition request. You have to know how to you know, do that That's that's it it just took off from there. And First job was for Red Bull here in Vegas for like a small film that they made for Formula One And now three years later, I'm with Wilammina, Rocky Mountains. I'm with TNG Aency in Vegas I'm with Ford, Robert Black in Arizona and Models Package in California. And I've done commercial ads from The Raiders and Lamborghini and Unreal chocolates and real snacks to Thrive cosmetics and then like three hundred social media. ads for different brands And it is just super busy and lots and lots and lots of fun Surely you face some hurdles. have you? I mean, what have they been Burnout, I would say On one hand, I go, go, go, I never sit. I'm like constantly out there. reaching out making more business for myself. and then the business comes and I'm like, oh my God, this is too much And know like I have something to do every day or my schedule is really packed And with my work, I have to be smmiling and on And I can't drop my face and have a flat affect. And so it takes a lot of effort energy to bring that every day, whether it's for a commercial shoot or a social media shoot, or doing something in person I have to be smiling and happy and You know, and there's once I get home, there's no more of that. likeike I just don't ired And so I do have some burnout, but it's of my own making because I don't really pace myself because I I have goals and I want more, but then I get more and I'm like,oo I'm kind of tired So how do you handle it? Can you tell when burnouts coming on A. I'm starting to get better likeike if I just came off of a forord D job And then I had something to film And then I know that I need to make one day where I say to myself, I am not doing An any work. I'm not filming anything, I'm not applying to anything. I'm just going to try to Clean my house Paint my grout. You know, I need to I need to be busy still That's the ADHD motor you know Clean the showers, do something But it needs to be not that I just kind of need headphones and music and a task that's mundane where I'm not having to pretreend for anybody. And then there are somet timimes where I literally need to sleep for like a whole day, like like just kind of sleep And then I'm good again Sall Yeah, that's not uncommon with autistic people for sure Yeah What traits do you appreciate most about yourself You know, the fact that I've been so successful in my life and my marriage and my relationships. while being undiagnosed, autistic and having no support all just sheer willpower and mus muscling through this. like never getting down on myself or just always plugging forward It's that tenacity, I guess Do you have any advice or encouragement you'd give other autistic people who might not believe that life can be different than it has been in the past I think my advice to people would be We have amazing brains and I love I love who I am. I love who my husband is, who I said was autistic for years And it turns out I'm actually more autistic than he is. I did get him he did get diagnosed too. So we are two peas in a pod I think we're super lucky to to think the way we do and have what seems to me to be really amazing qualities about us that might not make the road easy in the neurotypical world, but I think makes us really great people. and If people struggle with others out there, they should find their tribe. becausecause a lot of people do appreciate us I think there are things we can do in life that really complement our natural sense of self and interests. And if you find that I guess what I'm saying is instead of struggling against the wind, find the wind that goes in the direction that's comfortable for you and forget all those other things that go against you You can find your right people, you can find your right job, you can find fits and anything that doesn't fit doesn't need to be there. Even if it's I hate to say this cllose family Close friends. If they're not supportive, if it's uncomfortable, if it's difficult And you've tried and you've done your best, you can move on And find your happiness, find your peace, find your people Find your joy because It doesn't have to be that big of a struggle if you surround yourself with the right scenarios and people, I think That's fantastic I have one final question for you Sure. If you could go back in time before you were diagnosed and talk to your younger self, what would you want her to know I don't think I'd want her to know she's autistic necessarily. becausecause I think that everything turned out pretty good well. I don't know that I would be as tough as I A if I had known earlier Things wouldn't have been as much of a struggle. But I think I would just tell her that she's got this and that those times when you kind of doubt and wonder what the future's going to be and get really frustrated. just know that You're going to make all the right choices and you're going to be just fine. That's wonderful. That's perfect Yeah Alexis, is there anything I haven't asked you that you'd like to add Hm. No,, you know, I would love to just kind of dedicate this to all of my fellow gen Xers Wh? are autistic and had no idea because when we were growing up We didn't have integrated special needs of any kind, you know Anyone that was autistic was not in school with us and Aspergererss really wasn't even discussed if you were born in the early nineteen seventies. And I can think of a lot of my classmates who I would say we're probably on the spectrum now. These things resonate with you and if they're coming up on your social media and you're kind of curious Investigate it. It's super interesting. It makes your whole world make so much sense There are resources to get a diagnosis as an adult. I know a lot of people find out because their kids are d diagnosed and then they start realizing they have some of the same traits. but It really is eye opening and especially as we're getting older to give ourselves that grace and that understanding. it's like It's the most important thing to really get why you are the way you are and look back and forgive yourself for some really uncomfortable moments in your life and understand where those came from. So I would just love to encourage anybody out there who's thinking that they might be on the spectrum to investigate that because it really is life changing and it's kind of great I'm super happy I did it Where can people find out more about you, your Instagram, your YouTube channel, and your website Yeah. So I am Alexis Cruel underscore official and that's A L E X I S. And my last name is K R U EL, like mean and cruel with a K Alexis Cruel underscore official on both TikTok and Instagram And I'm Alexis Krull on YouTube And I'm also on Facebook as Alexis Krel. Fantastic He, Alexis, thank you for sharing your fascinating story and insights. I'm so happy we got the chance to talk. It's been delightful Thank you. Thank you so much for the opportunity. I appreciate it I hope you enjoyed this episode with Alexis Kruel put links in the show notes to her website and social media Means a lot if you subscribe, share the podcast, or leave a review genuinely helps more people discover these conversations. And we want others to understand what it's like to be autistic. Thank you for listening and for being a supporter of the podcast This has been Meet My Autistic Brain. I'm the Autistic Woman.