Flourishing and Embracing Authenticity

I think it's very hard when you're diagnosed later on in life It's really hard to sort of A have the right words you know, to to express what you feel you need you know, and and then to take those that love you and those that are supporting you on that journey. because it is a journey. You can't just suddenly Snap your fingers and expect them to understand or to remember or to to get it about, you know, get what the thing is about you You know, and it's hard it is really hard, I think and it's You know, sometimes you feel like Oh things aren't changing. it's all the same, you know feel so overwhelmed because of XXX and But but it a it's a journey of discovery and it's a journey of deciding what is it I really need? What do I really need in this at this time in my life? What do I need now? Welcome to Meet My Autistic Brain. I'm your host, the Autistic Woman. Alie Memory never imagined that a late autism diagnosis at age fifty seven, could be the launching pad for a whole new satisfying life Aldie tells what it was like before she found answers, as she handled menopause, cared for her aging mother, and faced her own illness In this episode, she talks about the special interests that became the path to self regulation and the social life that she couldn't have expected. This is a story that inspires Listen to how Allie Memory blazed a trail to a happy life Hi, Allie. than you for taking the time to be here. Hi, Susan. Yeahah, it's great to be here too Well, I am happy to have you here You've experienced a whole change in lifestyle since learning you're autistic And I'm looking forward to talking about that But first, I'd like to know a little bit about you and autism So I'll ask, when did you learn you're autistic And what was happening in your life that led you to get a diagnosis Sure. Well, I was diagnosed at the ripe old age of fifty seven, can you believe? So it was yeah, quite late really, in many respects And I think what led me to that point, there was a whole lot of things that led me there, really, and it went on for a number of years. But the culmination really was I was reaching the point where Things were just not as easy as they had been. But that sounds quite minimalistic the way I've said it because actually Everything was becoming harder. So everything. and So the sensory sensitivity side was getting worse and worse I think just coping with life generally and communication with others was becoming even harder than it had been already in my life And then I hit a point where there's probably a lot of people of my age who go through caring for elderly parents as they themselves get older. And I'd been through a really intense time of You know, being being my momum's person as she got older and being there for her and that that time was It was very intense for me and and it went on for years, really. And it was a huge part of the the sort of sensory side that just got overloaded and the emotional side that got overloaded for me And she actually passed away just before COVID. Probably has COVID actually which is probably what took her in the end. but she was ninety two, so she'd had a lovely life, great life up until that point. But she she'd suffered some things and I'd had to really sort of work those through with her and support her as she got older It wasn't wasn't easy and Then her passing away was a big thing for me. It was a huge piece of grief work. and we went into COVID at that point whichich was actually amazing and quite a relief in some respects, there' a lot of autistic peopleeople say, I hear them saying, Lckdown was great in so many ways because I had so much space and time for myself, you know. and it was, but at the same time, it was also suddenly living with your partner and not having any space. notot having any time to decompress because or other people that are in the house, you know, it's like suddenly you are very sort of crammed together And I think there was lots of things that happened during that time. I think it was very anxiety inducing as well for me, lockdown. But also then what happened next for me was suddenly out of the blue I was thrown another massive curve ball I'd had a number of them preceding that another curveball hit and it was suddenly I was diagnosed with breast cancer So right in the middle of lockdown this curveball came and hit and I was like, whoa, it came out of nowhere, literally. And so that was another huge sort of pressure, you know having to go through so many things to cope with that and ended up having a mastectomy, which was a massive thing as well to go through. And all everything just seemed to pile up to the point where You know, I was suffering some relational difficulties as well. especially around communication. My husband which was getting harder and harder for us and It just built to a crescendo. and I went into therapy during, you know, the period after a mum passed away and dealt with a lot of the family stuff that I'd had problems in my life that I needed to deal with and I went into therapy and did all sorts of things and then did a whole breast cancer piece as well and the loss of that of things involved there And we sort of went on and I went in and out of therapy The lady who was my therapist's lovely lady at one point said to me, because I was just describing some struggles with especially around communication, I think, that was one of the biggies for me And she just very quietly said, Allie I know you quite well now and I just want to say this was the point where she became very direct She said, haveave you ever looked at your life or would you consider looking at your life down the lens of neurod diversity to which I sort of said, I don't know what you mean. I'd never heard that phrase. Didn't know what it was? And she began to sort of enlarge a little bit on it and talked about autism in particular And I said, Well Re Oh, I was very taken aback and I said, well You know, I had thought I might have ADHD through my life because you know, I've never been able to settle and have been very hyperactive in lots of respects. And she said, well, just all I'm saying is, you know, maybe you just want to have H a have a think about it And she was very casual about it. And of course what happened next was, which I think is to tyypical of a lot of people in my situation was hyperfocus arrived, you know, next, which is something I'm quite good at, you know, And but there it came, hyperfocus and in such an intense way I think for My partner and those around me, it was like, what has happened to her You know, we can't she's lost. We've just lost her in this hyperfoccus of autism. Let's have a look at neurodiversity. Let's go down this route, this route and I had to do all of it. I had to get to the end, you know? I had to And as I did, I mean very, very quickly. and I mean You know, after days probably of intense research and learning. You know, I was fully identifying with being autistic And I was like, how did I never know this? you know? And a light bulbs was going off everywhere. It was like somebody had written the book of Allie, you know? It was my book And and I was just like, I was blown away. And of course it It became such a special interest really at that point, not only this self discovery but just the whole learning part of it as well. it I was probably in it for a bath. a good couple of months And I didn't do much else, if I'm honest. I became quite dysfunctional actually in a lot of ways because actually was in burnout as well Anyway, self identified and It wasn't enough for me though. You know, I had to I had to have the piece of paper as well. For me that I needed to have that. And so I did privately have an assessment quite quickly actually, within a few months and I, you know went to the sort of final interview, whatever they call it with the psychologist and literally cried my way through the whole hour because the amount of emotion, I think was was so big at that point So that was yeah, that was really how it happened Yeah Did you share that you're autistic with family and friends? Well, it yeah, that was a hard hard decision and hard thing to do I think initially You know, I was desperate to share it with my husband. Absolutely that you know, I wanted him to know everything. because it was so exciting to me and so revealing and so incredible. And so he was the first person that I really wanted to express that to and to share that with. And of course that was very hard Because it was for him massively overwhelming, you know, He'd been married to me for like over thirty years. And suddenly, I was giving him this information about myself You know, and he knew me pretty well, but this was, you know, this was opening different doors completely to our relationship really and to his knowledge of me. And and he could see that I was hyperfcusing, that I was like that's all I wanted to talk about really. And although I would try and journey As slowly as I could in Invertic Comce, it wasn't slow. You know, I was desperate to share every single podcast and everything that I was doing or learning. So he was the first the first person and I after that I sort of I think I made a few blunders of telling some people a bit too quickly You know, and I thought afterwards, I shouldn't have told them I didn't really need to. And I began to think, well,, you know, how do I What do I do with this? How do I do I need to tell everybody As so it was a bit of a A learning. Journey that really And I think one piece of advice I would say around that that I kind of learnnt was You know, have a gestation period, a bit like if you get pregnant, you don't tell everyone at the start, do you? Right You kind of allow it to just settle and you think, okay I know and my partner knows, and we'll leave it there for a bit You know, as the pregnancy goes on, you're more sort of prone to them begin to tell people, aren't you? And you choose who you tell first. I learnted that as I went along because I didn't want to rush it either And so I told my children, which they're all sort of adult children. And you know, and they were amazing, really? Absolutely amazing ammazingly accepting of what I was sharing. And then went on to tell, you know tell some friends And funnily enough, the friends I began to tell you know, have made that discovery from for themselves also. So it's been a bit of an interesting actually. Yeah, that's fascinating. That's wonderful actually that they can learn maybe through you Yeah about their own Yeah their gous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Yeah. Is there anyone you wouldn't tell even now That's an interesting question I think No, you know what No. I think if I felt it was of value, I would be I wouldn't have a problem Een So I think I think that you know, as autistic women in particular, and I' You know, I can be this person I can want to if somebody asks me how are you, I want to tell them everything, not just say one line and I think I think, you know there's wisdom in that sometimes But I certainly wouldn't be afraid of telling anybody. Let's put it that way, I don't think. Not that I can think of Yeah. Being older at the time of your diagnosis You had already been through menopause. So what were the challenges during menopause that you now attribute to autism Yeah, that's an interesting one Yeah, looking back now That' just to say I went through a a natural menaphors. I know a lot of people U HRT these days Yeah she is different. Again, I can't speak about that. I can only speak about my sort of lived experience which is of a natural menopause. And yeah, I think I think You know, it's something that happens Very slowly And I mean, I can remember things changing for me as early as probably thirty eight when I look back now And it is a very gradual thing that begins to happen you know, with the changes that begin in perimenopuse and I think what was standing out to me was things Things became more exaggerated or just a lot harder. I think the century part is something that really stood out and the pain that I almost felt often and the levels of it, you know, it was like I can remember one example is probably I was in my I don't know, early forties maybe, and I was noticing a lot of sensory problems which were affecting me in so many different parts of my life. I mean it really does affect you a lot. And I can remember one example is being out in the garden and doing some gardening and Being out there and seeing a big weed and just going to pull it up as you would in a garden and just pull it out easy Quite a big one, so a bit of a pool And I'd pull it back towards my leg and You know, my hand hits my leg. and Pain is like insane. It's like, whoa, what just happened Not quite that I've broken my leg, but it was so I remember standing there in the garden thinking Hang on, that should not have hurt that much. For what I actually did that should not have hurt. And I can remember thinking what is wrong with me? What is going on? And there was lots of things like that that began to really stand out to me I think just just the ability to cope with life. And I think like also I think life For women in particular, it gets busier and busier, doesn't it? It becomes more and more overloaded Especially if we you know have family or we're working I mean, for us, we were running a business in the home from the home you know, we had teenagers in the home. thingsings were getting busier and busier and busier. and there was no there was no space for decompression. There just wasn't our living sort of environment was just there just wasn't any And so I can remember meltdowns and just not being able to cope. and I think, you know, the the nervous system becoming Just fuller and fuller And it was definitely, you know, my nervous system was signaling all over the place. you know, I was having things like IBS and UTIs and had something called interstitial cystitis diagnosed So I had a whole load of chronic health issues pop up as well, which added into it Yeah, I think I think just it's just this feeling that I can't cope anymore and everything is coming in on top of you but you've got to keep pushing through, you know, because That's what you were taught to do. That's what we were meant to do. Keep pushing, keep pushing keep trying to cope but actually They're coping The coping just wasn't wasn't working anymore. And I think that you know, that' it was as I say, it's gradual. It doesn't it's not one day you feel this way, the next way suddenly everything's different It is this gradual thing and Yeah, things like hot flushes But You know, you might have them for a few months, but then they're not there at all And then suddenly they're back you have no control over it at all It just happens and It's very dysregulating, that sort of stuff. And things like that for me, because for me, heat I find very difficult with the heat wave we had recently. I was camping outside because it was so hot in the house. I was like, I can't stay in here. It's too hot. And things look so hot flushes were Yeah, they were really, pretty. really sort of alter your whole day or the things that you were doing So yeah, I think it's the intensity really of a lot of things Yeah Let's pivot for a moment and talk about a discovery you made as you processed your diagnosis One of the things you told me was that you had spent your life overriding your own nervous system What you mean by that Yeah I think I think number one, I just didn't I had no concept of my nervous system It wasn't even anything I thought about and Yeah, I think I felt that I just should be able to cope. so I was I would put myself blast basically, you know? would I would Hello my environment to become you know, so difficult for me. and you know, noise claser constant demands Teenenagers taking up the whole house. This sounds kind of normal, I know. but not allowing myself to find those places to decompress properly. And just and I think my my sort of belief was that You know, if I felt full and I felt like very overloaded, what I'd do is something else. So I did another thing. I'd take on another thing orr try and help somebody or try and do something else just to push through, just to feel like You know, I'd get to the point where I'd be so you know, so unsettled. I suppose it's the, you know, the whole flight The flight side is going right. I need to fly off and do this and do that and do the other and escape from this part by doing something else You know, and it got a lot done, I have to say, you know. It got a lot of things done and certainly did achieve quite a bit. but At the same time it was detrimental. and I think like You know, I certainly saw how the body did hold the school. You know, for me there was a lot of chronic illness. I was back and forth to the doctors and different specialists during that those times. You know, and and I think a lot of those things came about because of a lack of accommodation around You know, sensory needs and time to decompress, just time to be On my own actually Once you discovered you're autistic, did you start to see regulating your nervous system differently Yeah, definitely. And I think I think it's quite a recent revelation for me actually You know, and how Just how important that is How has that evolved for you Well, I think it's yeah, it's still evolving for sure and it's It's evolving in the way where I, you know, I'm much more considerate of me first say You know, and that's not a selfish thing. That's actually That's a really positive thing to do is to think You know, what do I need What do I need today? What do I need in this moment? because That's where You know, we can bring our best to the world and to other people. And if we're not doing that, then actually You know, we will have meltdowns and get into burnout and so on So I think it' it is it's not easy when for A long time, you know, fifty, seven odd years, you haven't been doing that. It's a really hard thing to to begin to learn. I mean, I'm sixty one now and I'm still learning but I think it is so important So what did you do to slow down and how has that impacted your life Well, one of the things I did unwittingly before I actually knew I was autistic was I forced a move, a house move I think, you know, my nervous system was telling me actually, you need to get out of here. You need to make a change and So moving location and actually What that did was it Also left behind But it caused a shift for the whole family really. Let's put it that way And it was a positive shift in the end. So it meant adult children decided what they were going to do and moved into those things And then myself and my husband decidide to move to a very rural place in the New Forest and that was a game changer for me because being surrounded by forest and living in the centre of it, being surrounded by animals and wildlife and It just quiet, you know, no light pollution, very little sound pollution It was incredible, absolutely incredible. and Just walking out every day, I began to walk every day in the morning because I couldn't help it because it's so beautiful where we live. It's just you can't help but go out and walk whatever the weather is and I found that doing that and being in nature and just being You know, just being still actually as well. L today I went out and I noticed some fledgling birds in the forest flying from one nest to a tree. And I was very, very mindful of it. and I thought, wow, this is amazing. I just quietly sat really close And I was just still and it was just, you know, I had the sun on my back and watched this going on, this little dance with the birds in nature. And I thought, wow, this is so I am so so, so blessed to be in this position. But I can instantly feel my body regulating. I can feel myself breathing again, you know, I can feel myself feeling grounded in that place and Moving was a big you know, it's a big influence actually into and not everybody can do that, I know. but we can get into green spaces and you know we can look for those those places and try and the outside. I think being outside and definitely in green spaces is a great thing to do. So that was brilliant. and I think one of the other things I did was begin to Keep sheep and take care of animals here and breed breed sheep. And that's been an incredible thing to do because it gets me outside every day and It's just a grounding thing to do actually say Yeah So what is it about animals specifically do you think that makes connection feel so much easier and makes your life easier, better I think yeah, there's quite a few things. I love the rhythm of caring for animals and looking after animals. It's very rhythmic And You know, because it starts in the morning and you're going do certain things And then the same, you know later on in the day and we keep we keep them like hens here as well and different animals here. so there's different rhythms that go on with just taking care of them And that's lovely. and you have to do it, you know, come hell of highw. So you've got to get out there and do it. So it's good for you as well. It's great for you. So And also the relationship. and that's the crazy part. I definitely have turned into a crazy sheep lady. It's true. But I never knew that you could have a relationship with a sheep. I had no idea that was possible until I We got introduced to some Shetland sheep and began to collect them for myself And yeah, and we brouought some lambs here and started to raise them And yeah, it's been amazing because I realized that they gave me real therapy and Sepherland and sheep are very personable and you can get to know them. And they end up almost like a pet dog. You can actually pet them and so on And so they'll sit with you and they'll look you in the eye and you can stroke them. And you can talk to them, you can sing to them, you can do whatever you like, you know, and they will be there for you whatever which is amazing. And as I as I was sort of so blown away by this. I sort of started introducing other people to them and Thatsort runner, runner little. holiday rental here as well. and you know, people that come to stay are come me come meet the sheep. People to come and meet them and they absolutely love it. And I realized off the back of that that more and more people would just love to subsd and eat them. And so when I stuck it on to an Airbnb experience and then I've got like something like a hundred views so far on this good experience I kind of great meet. Yeah coming to meet the sheep and it just came out of me doing it and then me thinking, right, let's just share this out And more recently I've had well, lots of neurod divergent people actually come through to see them. It just seems to happen And of course you begin to chat and share stories And then you have some fantastic connections also with and you're a diirent. human beings, which is great And and you know, and it's outside, it's not forever, it's just for an hour or so. So it's a great boundary time of socialization, which I love what you call peer support Well, it isn't actually. So well like well it is in some ways actually. to be fair, it defefinitely is part of it something that I also do is just offer You know, just just peer support comoming alongside Anybody who's late diagnosed who literally just needs needs a phone call or would love to just chat to somebody who's got some lived experience who they can just chat to. And I think that The reason I wanting to do more of that. I have started to do it already is that When I when I was diagnosed I found it really hard to find that kind of conversation Yeah. you know, there were therapists and counselllors and there were coaches which I did try to go down those routes. but at the time I was so burnt out and overwhelmed that actually I didn't have the capacity to you know, take on six sessions of coaching or whatever the thing might have been that they were offering You know, and there's quite a cost to that kind of thing as well, you know, in the monetary terms, as well as energy terms. And I really wanted to offer something back, which is a donation based thing. It's not I'm not doing it as a business at all. just to offer something back really, to say you know, if you've reached this point, you know, if you're in If you're at the point that I was you know in deep burn out, burnout and actually would have loved to have a conversation with somebody, even one or two conversations on the phone would have been great Just to sort of feel like it's not just me. There's other people out there. He will share their lived experience with me, which could be really helpful So that is the that is the peer support, which I've named Allie memory peer support Yeah, it's not complicated really, but I you know, it's something that I've begun and love to do already, How have you found people who are interested in that kind of peer support? Well, some of it has been organic, so it's been through people I know. and some of it has come through, would you believe, the sheep side. As I say, it seems that that's how I get connections too And then you know, I've put a website up and began an Instagram. But I'm not like I'm not pressurizing that to happen. I think that it will organically just happen. and even if I I have You know Two or three conversations a year That's really helpful you know, for one person, I'd be really happy with that Sure. I Yeahah, say Yeah. Allie, what does a genuinely good day look for you now compared to what you might have called a good day before being diagnosed. What's the good day look like Wow I think it It looks like me feeling very grounded and relaxed in who I am actually you know, able to sort of Being in an environment that suits is good for me, not suits me, that is actually good for my well beinging you know and having enough space as well, enough spaciousness around me. So if if, you know having that space from others that are in relationship with me but also having enough togetherness and having enough connection with other people I think that's really important too Yeah, and just just having a day where you know, I feel Ready? really good in myself and I'm able to be who I am and be who I want to be. I have that energy as well to do the things I want to do rather than being in a position where, you know, I'm exhausted or I'm pushing through or I'm trying to cope. being in a place where You know My well being is such that that' flourishing really So that would be a good day. That would be a really good day I think Well, what What hurdles did you face as you created the new life you're living now Yeah, that's a good question I think there has been hurdles because as I said, you know If you if you are in relationship with somebody and you're living together you know, suddenly you're bringing quite a lot of change And that's really challenging. S the person you're living with or to yourself too, to actually be able to voice those things So there are a lot of hurdles to work through. and I think You know, that is that's tough. That's not easy actually Creating an environment that suits you better is not always easy. you know You know, you could still be in the middle of a really Re full on family time or was something like that You know, you've got house full of children or something So it's not always easy. But I think it's necessary to try and create the right environment for yourself. to flourish in, isn't it? But there'ss there are lots of hurdles to go through. And I think it is, you know, it's a challenging time actually, just bringing change. bringing a lot of change and bringing understanding as well because It's really hard, isn't it I think it's very hard when you're diagnosed later on in life. It's really hard to sort of They have the right words you know, to to express what you feel you need you know, and and then to take those that love you and those that are supporting you on that journey because it is a journey. You can't just suddenly Snap your fingers and expect them to understand or to remember or to So get it about, you know, get what the thing is about you You know, and it's hard it is really hard, I think and it's You know, sometimes you feel like Oh things aren't changing. it's all the same, you know feel so overwhelmed because of XXX. and But but it is a it's a journey of discovery and it's a journey of deciding what is it I really need? What do I really need in this at this time in my life? What do I need now? And that's really important, I think. ye. It's a big question too Hm. It really is Do you have moments when the old pressure to perform or achieve creeps back in? and how would you handle those well. you know what? I don't think I do. A Awesome. I actually I don't think I do anymore. I think I've reached the point where Where are d And that's actually really nice Yes. Maybe when I come off of here recording, I'll think, Aactually there was that, I didn't tell the truth. But right now my gut says no. it says that Aually, I'm I feel very free to be me. That doesn't mean it's easy because it doesn't mean that everyone will respond to you Well, of course But I don't feel the pressure to perform actually these days Maybe part of that is age as well. I think as you as you do get older, you become moreore u I don't know, you're less worried about what people think of you, I think I think that wass true, isn't it Definitely Yeah Yeah. And so I think yeah I'm not I don't want to perform anymore. I just I really enjoy being myself actually which is good b. What traits do you appreciate most about yourself I love about myself how creative I can be, how How much my brain just thinks about detail and can dream about ideas and and can visualise, I think a lot in visualization and pictures So I can come up with loads of different thoughts and ideas and and visualizations of projects or things that I might like to try out And that's that's really fun and I love that. And I love to be able to around people who get that and really enjoy that kind of exploration of thought. is really fun. So that's good. I love that part of me in particular Yeah And I love how I can draw people together. I really enjoy that as well. Just drawing people together around something really simple you know, and just being very Very authentic, I suppose. I think being Authenticity is Quite a gift being authentic around people is lovely Yeah And I think people really trust that in you and getet attracted to that in a human being, I think Um And I think I think I love that part of me. I recently u throughout the I'm on this WhatsApp group with a number of women in a certain group and I don't really do much on WhatsApp groups tillil I usually really ignore them I just thought, I wonder if there's any buds on there who like animals and I just threw it out. I said Doould anybody like to come out at sunset and just sit around in the cheap field with me And you know, you can bring a drink and so Out of this WhatsApp group of, I think there's about eighty five people on it They're all women. All women, yeah. I had a response of something like twenty two percent. Oh my gosh, amazing. Yeah. And I was like a bit like, what just happened? So I was like, Hang a minute, we need to make another group. but stick it on here So we had a new group sheep in sunset or something or And all of a sudden, you know, within the forty eight hours I had Q quuite a lot of women turning up at mine. I didn't know any of them. but I actually met some you know a couple of people that I really liked and took to and we sort of swapped numbers And it was just a really good time being amongst some human beings. and And they all loved it. They were raving about it, you know, afterwards and sharing photos and so on. And, Oh can we do it again? And so I love that part of me that likes to just draw sure women in particular together and just journey with them a little bit whichich is part of what I've done in my life a lot, really over the years and I do enjoy that lot Well, I have one final question for you show if If you could go back in time before you were diagnosed and talk to your younger self, what would you want her to know? Wow What would I want her to know I think I would want her to know that she could just be be herself actually and that she was was more than enough, you know she as she was and not to be afraid of You know? being the one that's a little bit different or the one that's that stands out from the crowd a little bit. D don't hide, donon't hide, just be Here you are and u Just enjoy being that person And listen then listen to yourself, listen to your nervous system, listen to your body, listen to your internal cues And don't push those internal cues back justust really listen to yourself because actually I think we all know, don't me really. but we'd lear appreciate it all back. So I think yeah, there's a few things there Well, where can people find out more about you and all that you're doing Oh, sure, yeah Yeah, they could check me out online my website which is Alie meemory and it's memory not memory. So it's M E M E R Y So it's Alie meemory. co. uk Yeah, so just check out what I'm doing there with the peer support and on Instagram as well So that'd be great Okay. Allie, thank you for taking the time to share your story and your experience I love hearing about people who have created a life that meets their needs So it's been great to talk with you. Oh, thank you. It's been really good to to be here with you. Thank you. What an amazing story And if you want someone to talk to, Alie's here with something very special Donation based peer support for late diagnosed adults And if you ask, I'm sure she'll be happy to tell you about her wonderful sheet Check out her website at allieemory. co. uk I'll put a link in the show notes. Thank you for listening and remember to share this episode with a friend This has been Meet My Autistic Brain. I'm the Autistic womorman