The Impact of AI on Human Connection

How much does the partner that someone chooses reveal about their level of self worth Do you think I like this starting with a strong one. Um, Well, I want to add a little bit of context to that How does the partner that someone chooses reveal how much they love themselves, how they see themselves It can tell a lot, but I think more importantly is the way that they feel about someone's judgment of that. So the way that I frame it is if someone told you that they could tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen, how would you feel It's kind of like if I say, o Sd any shir and you're a little insecure about it, or like, what does it make you? Do I look a little heavy? Do I look a little? My my muscles looks small, right there's an insecurity there. versus, thank you. it is a new shirt. Doesn't it look great? You know, this color, the new cut, right you're secureuring it. So when someone says, I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen There's a bit of intuition in that. In your reaction to that. It's an interesting prompt to give somebody Yes and the sense of Oh Oh Yes. And I always try I frame it up that way intentionally because it's not about someone actually passing a judgment on you. It's your interpretation of that judgment. It's like a Roschach test. your own partner. Yes. It's like, I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am. I am what you think. We did it. We did it It's interesting though, right? Like the u the idea that If you feel like you're being mistreated and you believe that the love that you are prepared to accept is a reflection of your level of self worth That probably tells you everything that you need to know about your relationship. Yes. What Does it feel like a compliment or does it feel like an insult? Does it make you proud of the love that you've accepted and the treatment that you've tolerated. or does it really hit that sensitive part of you? been treated like shit for years. Like this is orr simply s really just never felt right. You know, it feels kind of mediocre. Maybe it's not a reflection that you totally hate yourself. It's more just like doesn't really live up to the way that I know love could feel and someone who really loved themselves probably would have gone and found something that really aligns rather than just settling for what was there. So There's a lot in there, but it requires the introspection to really get into the mat of it context Where does self trust come from U trust Self trust will be my greatest obsession for the foreseeable future Um Self chass is essentially building a relationship with yourself that allows you to know who you are like who you are and build a life that actually feels like yours. That's like we to summarize it. That's the brief synopsis Self trust to me. is Ultimately, what you have to build in order to find fulfillment, sustainable fulfillment in this life The way that I see it, the majority of our issues, emotional anyway, issues come from uncertainty What's going to happen to me? What are people going to think of me? What am I going to think of myself? What happens if this uncontrollable thing plays out? How am I going to handle it? But more importantly, how am I going to feel If this person breaks up with me, if I don't get this job, if someone that I love dies, if right, mostost of it is, how am I going to feel on the other end of that? And there's no way to outrun that uncertainty There's no means of control or no ability, no strategy that was going to apply to all of those situations except for trusting that you will be there in every single one of those situations.ll you'll be on the other end of that supporting yourself The way that I kind of break it down, there's fours of self trust. Number one is curiosity So Do you know what you're feeling? Do you know why you're feeling that way? Do you know what you want in this situation, in the next situation, in life in general. Do you know what you don't want? How well Do you How much space do you give yourself to really ask yourself the hard questions or the fun questions and learn the answers? The next one is capacity. So how good are you at being emotionally flexible When discomfort arises, do you trust yourself to stay in the disappointment in the sadness, to support yourself? through that. when things go really well, do you trust yourself to not Totally self sabotage and fuck it all up it all U And then you're looking at compassion. That's the fourth one. So do you have compassion for your own Not just yourself, but also an understanding of your intentions. L Do you trust your heart? Do you have compassion that you're well intentioned and that still means you're going screw up sometimes. Right? Can you recognize your own humanity? And then the last one C last C is commitment. which is, do I know the kind of life that I want to build? Do I know the kind of person that I want to be And am I committed, devoted Bringing that to fruition. Am I committed to this life because that's what's going to move you forward through all of that So in short, that's what self trust is Which one do people struggle with the most M either capacity or curiosity I think we like to pretend that we're curious, especially in today's day and age. I have a label for everything. I'll just find the label, I'll explain it all the away, giveive me the diagnosis and I can stick a bandid on it and we just Keep pushing You sell yourself short when you do that You sell yourself short when you don't take the time to maybe question the label or look underneath the label. what do you really feeling? what are you experiencing makes up this pattern that you don't like Um Are you king shitty partners because you have daddy issues the label on it and do away with it, Well I've explained it. I'm done with the curiosity. What do you mean? I move on to the next one. rather than There's an association that I have where love is supposed osed to feel abandonment There's this association that I have that love is supposed to hurt So I'm supposed to expect these like high highs and then these suuper low lows. That's the real problem. My association with love. if I just slapped the label on it I'd miss the whole the All the important stuff, all the context. The protection mechanism in some ways, a shallow level of curiosity thats oh, well, now I've pathologized it or identified it, or given a term for it That's enough. I've done the work. You go no, that's actually antithetical to doing the work. It's actually pushing away from it because it's making you feel like you've done something whilst actually stopping you from diving into the thing that would have fixed it. Bingo. Totally completely. The other part is the curiosity continues on. I mean, it's kind of ever changing. the way that we feel, the things that we want, change shape, change form So there's there's a lot there. U And then capacity, We're not really good at sitting in discomfort We're pretty good at finding every possible way to get out of it around it under it, over it, all of the things And u We typically prefer what's familiar over what's unfamiliar. So if we're used to our certain few emotions we're used to bit of disappointment, good bit of sadness, a little bit of anxiety, and then a smidge of joy, we're gonna probably stay within that ratio unless we intentionally decide to expand the capacity there No no, no, no, I'm not going to stay in the disappointment. I'm going to teach myself how to move through it. I'm going to support myself in whatever I need to do to move through this rather than just staying in it and drowning in it whether that be or fleeing from it. O or fleeing from it. Yes, exactly. And the positive quote unquote emotions It's the same thing We We like to think, well, if I can just get rid of my anger and my sadness and my disappointment and all of that I can just relish in all of these Good emotions And the reality is ninety nine percent of us if we took a good hard look at it. when the good stuff comes up We're either waiting for the shoe to drop Well, it's not going to last long. So what's it going to be? What's going to hurt me? Right? We've already checked out of the happy moment because we're expecting something to come around and and kick us over Or it's self inflicted and we self sabotage anyway because we don't trust it You mentioned thereab A people feeling unusually familiar with negative patterns in the present related to something that they're probably They become acclimatized too from the past how much of having a type What do you think is just unresolved trauma showing up in adulthood Oh, this is a good one. Can I open my Conic for this one? Get that in. Yeah, yeah, you need it. watchatch for nails. Thank you Uh Yeah, look, I I What do you think? What's your opinion on that? I think an awful lot of the things that feel exciting and activating to people in adulthood abbsolutely familiarity masquerading as resonance It's just something from your past. U there's this line from Kathy Overman where she says yourour nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven and Jesus fuck if that's not true Like how many people the Distant and difficult to please father that they had to perform for And then if love is easily given to them in adulthood, they feel like they should run away or it's not worthy of something. There's something wrong with people who show them love too easily. and there's something alluring about people that make them work for it. even though by definition that Pro the people who aren't showing up ready for a relationship and are going to turn your life upside down. or um Somebody's mother was unusually fragile or explosive and They had to walk on eggshells and I get into a relationship with somebody who seems to be slightly unpredictable and explode when you might not anntticipate it And that is felt by the nervous system as I've been here before There is a There's kind of an iron lore, I think, of attachment If you have somethingomet that's unresolved from your childhood you will continue to repeat that pattern until you finally resolve it in adulthood or never do And I think a lot of people end up in the never do Right It's like a book that you started when you were three years old, never finished, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to find a couple of chapters to finish it off I like that You're speaking to the uncertainty that I was mentioning earlier where it seems like most of the issues come down to uncertainty. or what would happen if I didn't repeat that pattern What would happen if I sought out love that wasn't similar to what I've always known love to be. That's somehow scarier to our brains whether it's conscious or unconscious often unconscious. That's somehow scarier then the shitty of the destructive relationships that this familiar love brings, but there's certainty in it So if I can rely on the certainty, at least I know at least I can choose the devil that I know other than potential devil or the potential heaven that I don't know. But I think the only way The only way that we get around that is by being intentional, by trusting ourselves to go figure out what we really want and lean in to the uncertainty and the lack of familiarity. Why is it the case do you think that so many people mistake anxiety for chemistry that It's Okay, it's another Iiron Lw. Am I wrong If I'm wr. Well, I mean, the funny thing about it isre you're just talking about a bunch of bodily sensations. They're affect of feelings And so it's kind of funny because you asked that and my first thought is, well, it doesn't have to be anxiety and it doesn't have to it could be simply excitement versus to other people, it's the red flag. So it's really just your understanding of those bodily sensations So if you're talking to someone who grew up with really steady caregivers, really attuned caregivers. pretty much everything you just said. if you're L at person and their association with love is going to be calm and steady and consistent versus someone else who's really used to inconsistent caregivers, not feeling like a priority, love being hot and cold or hurtful That sense of adrenaline That kicks in when you meet someone who mimics the same, you're going to say, oh, that's love That's love. Yeah. because I'm so used to these these highs and these lows and so the adrenaline in the body is essentially either a red flag or you've learned that that sensation is what love is. L Is it interesting the way that this stuff gets modeled? Let's say that somebody's grown up in a two parent household and it's been the same parents from when they were born You're getting to not only have your relationship with both attachment figures and you're getting to learn what care and regulation and this is what happens when I need someone to look after me. And this is what happens when I've got a problem. and this is what happens when I've done something wrong like Am I safe in realizing that I'm going to be loved on the other side of this, that I can do something wrong and it doesn't make me worried about abandonment but you're also getting to model the example the first romantic relationship example that you've ever seen, which is the two caregivers between themselves. So it's kind of this weird reinforcement loop, right? You've got It's almost weird to call it environmental because it's so pre verbal. And it it's just beyond what your mum did during pregnancy You know, It's like it's almost the same as your mum's smoking during pregnancy or drinking or doing whatever, or like being real calm and looking after her choline levels and eating loads of eggs, whatever. I don't know what women do. I need to do research on that. It is just outside of that window, but you're so permeable. L kids are so absorbent to this stuff that it's kind of almost there And then you grow up and you get to have this reinforcement, but you've already got the predisposition. There's already a genetic predisposition for attachment style, right? And then that's got reinforced preverbal with the extended pregnancy thing of you not to three, not to four years old or whatever. and then you come online at some point as like a conscious being and then you're seeing proper environmental, well, That's how mom and dad relate to each other That's what an argument is. That's what That's what a slow Sunday looks like. That's what happens when we get stuck in traffic. That's what happens when somebody messes up N how long it takes to come back together after someone's become dysregulated? all of these things and It feels like a real double, triple quadruple Whamy? Yeah of You had this predisposition genetically. It was reinforced. pre verbally directly to you And then you got to see it between your parents U environmentally, culturally reinforced too. it is really no surprise that sort of people become who they are I would love I wouldd love to see how long it would take to to see if there's any change in that predisposition. Like how many generations. What it take How much therapy does it take to unwind Yes, exactly.. Andiously. genetics load, the gun environment pulls the trigger core of all of that The first question that we have is am I safe Am I safe? Do I belong any or is anyone paying attention to me as if they are, and I'm safe then I can look at all these other things, you know, how I relate to other people and how you know, do I get to have creative freedom to be my own individual person? you know what do I want to do? Those questions come second to am I safe And the question that comes right after that is and do I belong? Do people love me enough to pay attention? If we don't get those needs satisfied, if we don't And sometimes it happens later than it should. A lot of the times it happens later than it should Um It's really difficult to try and figure out how to have a super healthy, secure relationship on top of that. How to chase your dreams and be super ambitious and still have a good balance and feel good about yourself. that's really difficult. If your fundamental needs of do I belong enough? me at my core Do I belong enough for people to care and walk me around. L am I physically and Psychologically, emotionally safe. That's going to follow you around like a ghost. If you don't figure out If you don't figure out the answer to that question, like do you feel safe yes or no, but even more so than the defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms that you have to try and meet that need, because we all have them. So If we're talking about self actualization, which we kind of are in that whole thing You have to start at the bottom, which is safety and belonging. I've learned from over a thousand podcast episodes that the easier you make your health routine, the more consistent you'll be. It's like golf Right? You want to keep it simple and not mix a bunch of pills. You want the eye of the tiger. not the DUI of the Tiger. That's why I'm such a huge fan of AG onene. One scoop contains seventy five vitamins, minerals, probiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients in a single daily drink. and now they've taken it a step further with AG one Next genen backed by four clinical trials. And in those trials, it was shown to fill common nutrient gaps, improve key nutrient levels in just three months, and increase healthy gut bacteria by ten times, even in people who already eat while gone are the days of needing to buy a load of pills in the gym parking lot from some juice bro in a cyber trruck If you're unsure about it AG onene' got a ninety day money backack guarantee. So you can try it every single day for three months and if you do not like it, they will give you your money back. Right now, you can get a free AG onene welcome kit that includes a bottle of D three K two, an AG one flavor sampler and that ninety day money back guarantee by going to the link in the description below. heading to drinkagG onene. com slash utomisd. How does somebody build safety as an adult I think it's I would start with the question of who do you have to be? She be loved pretty good place to start Because ideally, the answer is, well myself And it feel it feels quite easy to say that. You're like, well, that's just you know, onm me and my mom loves me because of this. my best friends love me because I'm just myself,, I don't feel like I have to be all that much. versus if that question causes you to really tense and you're thinking, oh my God, well, I have to be the guy with this job title, because status, I have to be the guy with this much money because power and importance. I have to be the guy that never shows his emotions. so I'm supposed to be strong and sturdy and everyone relies.'s there's a problem there. There's a problem there. because you belong just for existing. I think it's Berne Brown that says the opposite of belonging is fitting in Maybe Hh So to that opposite of belonging opposite of safety is fitting in becausecause you have to be someone that you fundamentally aren't. Performance. Performing So I would start with that question Yeah, it's an interesting one. I feel like the sort of hypervigilance that a lot of people are dealing with at the moment, this need to It is about uncertainty. I think anxiety is almost exclusively about uncertainty, that if I can imagine every different potential path that the future might take and imagine it If it happens I'll be ready I'll be ready. I'll be ready take on whatever catastrophe because I've imagined catastrophes that the physics of reality couldn't even deliver to me. My grandma's come back from the dead and she's shouting at me because I did that thing wrong. If I can imagine all of the different ways that the future might unfold, especially in horrible ways, I don't need to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing collapsed down the uncertainty of the world into a albeit tragic certain nightmare. Well, and run that through Grandma comes back, Grandma's here yelling at you Why is that bad Be I don't belong because I'm wrong Well she would probably say something that would hurt your feelings. You're essentially running away from a bad feeling imagining it was one. Spend days and weeks and months and years trying to avoid a bad feeling Bad feeling Like you're letting emotions of feeling Run your life and not just run your life, but exhaust you in the process When if you I mean I'll go extreme here when When my mom died And I was in my early twenties. I was relatively young, had younger siblings too. so there was a lot in that But I remember when my mom died It's like, while you You have a lot of options here, Quinan. You can th your hands up and stay in a ball on the living room floor for the next three to five years and pick your head up then and see what's going on Um or you can Pull yourself up by your bootstraps lovingly and just Th trout littleittle by little with the grief, with the sadness, with all of the stuff you know, on my shoulders. just like b rout little by little every day And the other the first option really included like Okay, but what happens if I start crying in public? What happens if I get a call that my brother's having a breakdown? What happens if you X, Y Y Z? what happens if I'm in school and I can't remember I was in college at the time? What happens if I'm in school and I can't remember anything on the exam that I was just studying for All of these things were essentially what happens if I get What happens if I have to deal with an emotion that I don't wantan to deal with there's no way to control that other than to prep yourself, support yourself, building the capacity, to feelel these feelings And then you aren't so concerned about what the world's going to throw at you because you know that these big uncomfortable feelings though uncomfortable. You can manage them, you can feel them and it won't kill you. How do you think people know when they're choosing a partner versus choosing a wound Like, you have this O Ancient that's running inside of you The patterns are laid down. this is what love is, this is how people relate And then someone comes along and the difference between chemistry and chaos are usually Kind of hard to discern Hate them. question there, I would tailor it a little bit to do You like the way the relationship feels because we can If it's really all conditioning The wound is essentially bad conditioning, meaning it brings out a destructive relationship versus positive conditioning if you will, positive associations with love bring you a happy, healthy, stable living. Of course. Really It could be my patterns from my past make me only choose people who respect me and are there for me and sh up for me feel like more of myself. I should get rid of those No, no, no, no, keep those ones. You need those ones. So I think the real question is how do you know if you're choosing from a wounded place, it's, well, do you like the way the relationship feels? And if not, there's probably something in your conditioning that has taught you to associate this subpar behavior withith love. And interesteresting. it's a great It's a great answer about how many people prized by Wool Yeah, my relationship probably should make me feel good all the time. most of the time Revolutionary. Sow me where. You know what I mean? Oh me. Yeah. Like that that is Well, no, because because, you know, it's Life's hard and life's supposed to be hard. and sometimes think, Yeahah, okay But up to a point. Yes. Life is hard in a lot of other areas I don't think your relationship is supposed to be one of them I agree. I came across this line. If you're working this hard to make it work, it isn't working You had a conversation with someone I can't remember you. Hopefully you do basasically saying if all of the late night journaling sessions and all of these tough difficult conversations, like if it's really not quite moving the needle, you probably need to leave. Yeah. That's I think a pattern that a lot of people that are big into persononal growth and working hard on themselves feel, which is I've been rewarded throughout my entire life If I work harder Things get better, whichich means that if this isn't working, I just need to work harder. It's a challenge And guess what People that listen to modern wisdom. Challenges are their fucking thing Yeah, is whatever. They're the s of people that eat challenge you for breakfast. Unfortunately, they are applying a noble mindset to the wrong environment. Well, and you're looking at I mean think about like hedonic treadmill where things get And you get the promotion or you get the great new girlfriend and you love her somewhere, you get the great new boyfriend, whatever, whatever, you're naturally gonna to come back down to baseline. And the novelty wears off So I agree with everything you just said. with the caveat You shouldn't be looking to your relationship for something that your relationship isn't supposed to supply all the time Peace Most of the time, abbsolutely Love, support. Most of the time, absolutely Novelty exxcitement Um Dread I mean, right both sid of the spectrum here is what I'm trying to p Pivation. Yeah, that's That's not what your relationship is supposed to bring you. I just think nowadays we aren't comfortable with just beinging really, really, really not good at just being could like Feing content his something I don't hear anyone speak on much these days. like as in people our age just in conversation like I' Content It's usually, o, I'm awful or oh, I'm so fantastic Yeah, or I'm grinding. I'm driving very hard.s it's unbelievably radical to say that you're satisfied. Right Because it sounds like leaving a lot on the table. if we live and I'm, you know Big fan, big beneficiary of capitalism. I think what's that line? Capitalism's the worst system apart from all of the others And but the problem is, if you' got meritocracy peopleeople from When do people go to preschool? Are four years old or something? There's already this beginning of a ranking that's going on, there's assessments. When's the first homework that you get as a kid? Maybe six years old, seven years old, something like that. You should take this home and bring it back with macaroni drawings or whatever. Yourames don. Yeah, exactly that is already beginning to create a If you work hard, then you will get rewarded. If you work hard then you will get rewarded and that just continues to spin up The problem is that creates a situation where you kind of look lazy M Like you don't have big dreams for yourself or a lack of self respect or you're not maximizing your time on this planet If you just say I'm good I really I just like I like what I'm doing. I like what I'm doing. I don't have any desire to ten exit I don't have any desire to reccruit other people to do what I'm doing and coach them to do it better than me Now, I was in Bali on this live tour thing and it was so much fun. I had done the last show and I caught up with a friend friend was out there doing nutrition coaching. And they'd started this business and had previously worked in London and then moved out there and said I'm just having the best time. working with women who want to optimize their hormones and stuff and skin health and lose weight, do this And I said, how are you working with them? How do you work with your clients said Oh I work one on one over WhatsApp. And I was like That's stupid. What you should do is you should have a lead magnet on the front end that's going to capture all of your emails and then you need a squeeze page that gets them in on that you need the low end on it. Yeah, exactly. And then you're going to spin them up, you're going to have the low end and that's just to get the credit card information, really. And then after that, you've got your mid ticket and that's really where the bigulk of people go, But you want your high ticket. People working with you one on one, you can't just give that away. You should That shouldn't be your base level. need to be that needs to be the people at the very top. Obviously, you're going to need a sales team because you can't sell anything on the internet over about two thousand dollars without having a sales call first and you don't want to be doing all the sales calls So you're going to have to require a sales team to come in and you know it is going to become a little bit more complex because you might need a sales manager to manage the sales team that is going to look a lot like a sales business. but I promise you, I know Stop myself. Halway through. I'm I'm. I am gonna curse this person with the exact challenge that so many of my friends are now trying to extricate themselves from. over compicated my business. I wanted more and more I've stopped doing the thing that I wanted to be able to do in the past I I'm no longer coaching women on how to improve their health I'm now managing fucking sales team. seell people on how to Have you heard the Mexican fish fman story. I was. Yeah. I basically did the Balanese nutrition coach. was the equivalent of the Mexican fishman story. They had out there living life balanced, sometimes working Literally saying I'm happiest I've ever been. After the sentence of I'm happiest I've ever been, Let me tell you how you can become miserable but richer And here the about. Well, and there Okay, now imagine you take that into a romantic relationship. and you're looking at someone who doesn't value? ambition or under Xing their income or Even productivity, like efficiency doesn't really matter to them Is that inherently bad Oh It's just not you or me. I fall in my category more than I'd like to admit. But the reality is We're more than likely to look at that person and try to change them. try to project onto them what we value, rather than looking at them as what they are, which is a whole other person. That's an interesting pattern To a degree, I certainly think at least my friends as We all hit our thirties, increasingly valued Uh peoplee around us friends and partners encourage us to slow down as opposed to speed up. And that's a kind of difficult realization. I think a lot of guys especially, but probably high powered women too will realize this toward the end of their twenties. They go, I actually don't want to be around that many more mees.es. I'm me enough for me. I actually could do with someone who encourages me to take my foot off the accelerator, mayaybe not press the brake, but it's like, o, man, let's just coast for a bit. We can just go and hang out and, um, You get a strange a strange realization. Well, you have to be humble enough to Take a look at the mirror in that moment. You have to be humble enough to think, Oh I think I'm so big and bad. I'm so important. the way I do it is the best way is the best way likeike who Sit down, Gwenlyin like absolutely not.. and you're and a lot of people would look at that and think, well, they're just not meant for me They're just I'm going to throw away a perfectly fine relationship because I'm so caught up in myself in my own values that I'm judging someone else based on something that is a me problem I think we end a lot of good relationships Potentially great relationships for that reason. This episode is brought to you by Whoop. According to my Whoop, I've tracked nearly two thousand days of my life. And the thing that still gets me is that I could have predicted almost every bad day before it happens. 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Right now, you can get the brand new whoop five point zero and that thirty day free trial by going to the link in the description below. or're heading to joinot whoop dot com slash modern wisdom. That's join dot whoop. com slash Bom wison. Do you think avoidant people seem disproportionately attractive in the dating market. People who have a strong sense of self are attractive, period Eprel talks a lot about this. ically we find our partners most attractive when they're in their elements. When they're selffficient, when there's a level of mastery or agency at play, we find people most attractive when they are doing their own thing Avoiding people just tend to have that on their surface more readily available to be seen and admired They have their lives, their jobs, maybe some friends, they hobbies, there's more going on. They're not so obsessed with the validation of everyone else around them, right? avoiding people just tend to show their more avoidant tenden or I'm sorry anxious people tend to show their more anxious tendencies kind of right off the bat because you can sense it So on the surface, yes. I think the answer to your question is yes, avoids just seem to have more of that U indndependent sense of self Firm sense of self right off the bat. That's very interesting. I wonder how much as well the intermittent reward Lve. We're on, things are good and then hang on, where the fuck did you go and we're on again and things are good. and then how you sort of runan away again. I wonder how much that combined with They're so impressive. They just seem to have, especially if you have the classic sort of anxious and avoidant relationship coming together, one who maybe is a little bit less self assured, one who does need a little bit more reassurance from the other person and someone else who seems to have it all together and can then provide the amount of stimulation and reward that you do want and then withdraw it I think it depends on what you value And a lot of that offten comes with age. I won't say always, but you get to a certain point where that roller coaster is unattractive. You get through those first inconsistent exchanges, you haven't texted back in days or canceled plans again. and you part of you just says, I don't know, No thanks. Not interested. been here seventeen times. I'm not interested in an eighteenth round, like no, thank you. I value communication, transparency. I don't need you available to me all the time, but you absolutely need to let me know rather than canceling last minute or like your standards are just clearer when you know what you value in a relationship, it becomes a hell of a lot easier to say, does this feel the way that I want love to feel And if not I'm good I don't need to understand why. I don't need to know why you're avoidant. You know, what was it your mom was it your mom dad? late night jing session? Yes. It just doesn't help at the end of the day if the relationship isn't For the most part, feeling the way that you want it to feel important distinction It' such a basic rubric Mind of all of the different bits of relationship advice Do you feel good in this relationship and is it making you feel the way that you wanted to feel?. That's a good thing to ask if you're already in a relationship too If you have a conversation with the person you're with, like, hey, is this feeling the way you want it to feel Pulse, Jack. What's up? Is there anything that I can do better ways that I can love you. I mean, again, it's kind of a K kind of a cliche at this point, but Do you know how the person you're with wants to be loved Or are you coming in so big and bold and self obsessed that you're only giving what you want to receive. looking outside of yourself. It's an interesting one around disappointment It's it's very easy to show up well when things are going well. but to sit in I've been disappointed and I now need to try and be my best self too, even if this person doesn't deserve it. L they messed up This person messed up. They don't deserve me to be good Now, like I'm allowed to stamp my feet and be petulantes So this This line from Visa Can Verasemi that calls the divorce paradox He says, whyy is it that so many people seem to divorce their opposed best friend And it's the way people handle bad times is a much better indicator of how long the relationship will last and how they handle good times and the fact being that if you're able to go through a hard time and come out the other side, okay safet That is That that that is so much more predictive than we just didn't have enough peak experiences. you know? We didn't go to S flags enough. We didn't go to S flags enough He wouldn't ride the fast roller coaster with me or whatever it is It is all about How do you and your partner get on? Obviously, there's other things, but I think way more Separations occur becausecause people couldn't deal with bad times Not because they didn't have enough of the elated ones. Well I think it's I would I'd venture to guess it's indicative of a bigger issue that the not handling bad times is actually a symptom of a bigger issue, notot handling bad times well. where Just take consideration consider general consideration for someone else's wellbeing If you don't naturally have that, if you aren't actively working on that, if you aren't aware that that's important in this relationship you're definitely not going to show up with that in bad times. and that would make the good times a hundred times better. You see what I mean? Where if you're If you're pretty self centered, if you're not all that introspective or self aware, if you're not trying to become more emotionally mature, which I think most of us can almost always progress in that area Of course when bad times come around, your capacity shot, you're kind of like running on E. and what's left is None of the good stuff, none of the stuff that keeps you together that values connection, notothing that's going to feed this love. But I think if you have it tenfold, if you have all of the love and consideration, all those things, that when you get down to running on E, there's still a little bit of that left. Yeah It makes total sense. Do you think empathy can become dangerous then in that regard? It overrides self respect and boundaries Too much understanding can be a bad thing. Absolutely. It could Empathy without boundaries is self abandonment And on the backke end of that lacks boundaries. is some sense of u lack like, okay, if I just empathize enough, if I can understand why this person is treating me so badly, then I'll be able to rationalize it and I can keep them around a little bit longer because I still need to be chosen So the idea of being lonely and not having anyone there We we can't, that's last last thing we ever want to encounter. So let me just try to empathize enough to be okay with the behavior that I don't like because it's meeting a need. So rather than having a pretty firm sense of self that says I'd rather be alone than be treated like shit I'm gonna to say no, I'd rather be anything but alone so I'll be okay with being treated like shit. It's so interesting that you're saying empathy is rationalization to us keep going. Yeah U it's actually empathy becomes very selfish in that way. Abs. It's both self abandonment and selfish at the same time But it's not really about the other person. Well, self abandonment is almost always self serving. It's always the abandonment of self to meet some deeper need same So if you're people pleasing simimilar to what we're talking about with empathy. Well, I'm just gonna to make nice so everyone around me will be good and appeased because I need people around. I need to be accepted. I need to belong Right, So I'm going to abandon so that I can get this fundamental need met where the self is really more your self respect, like your self concept, the you that is maturing and has a firm sense of this is who I am, this is what I like about myself. this is what I this is how I allow people to treat me, etcetera But self abandonment always comes with some kind of benefit. We don't just do it for fun It meets some deeper psychological needs that isn't being met overtly. so interesting to think about that that emmpathizing aggressively allows you to understand the other person's situation, which just extends that fuel it just pours a little bit more fuel back into the tank. Yeah I can keep on put puttering along a little bit more and then something else then o. It their childhood You know, but their relationship to their stepfather. And what about it And what about it? It is alwaysm what you follow it up with? What and what about it We're all the way that we are because of something No just fall out of the sky like that. There's a reason there's a Y for everything It doesn't mean that it's reason to col behavor that's disrespectful or harmful. Ultimately it gets to is this making you feel the way that you want it to? Yeah reggardless of the reason for it or against it Yeah, this this is a very British thing actually, I think. u the u the um Nobility in putting your desires to one side sort of, I mustn't rock the boat. mustn't make a fuss. donon't want to make a fuss too much. Um, I certainly, you know, I saw in my last life as a club promoter gerillion different relationships make up and break up in this place of no time at all and A lot of the time, neither side felt they were allowed to say what they wanted. And I think that that was it's a kind of boundary setting, Hey, this is how I would like to be traded or this is the thing that I want. And they were young But it's still interesting to see kind of the potent stem cell, like the little proto, you know, the proto relationships that happen when you're sort of eighteen to twenty five. Yeah. It was really interesting to see those because I think That is you without all of the learnings and the insight and the things that come with age. So it's really It's dating at its most raw in some ways because all you are are your childhood pattern. It's attachment. at its one hundred percent. It was really fascinating to see. can I'm sure alcohol really helped with that too. It helped is a complex word. It Helped as a viewer. Yeah, well, yeah, I'm sure it did What do you wish more people knew about how boundaries worked I think that this is I'm aware that a lot of the time, pathologization of therapy speak language, but also a really important thing that you're supposed to do inside a relationship. So what do more people need to know about boundaries? Boundaries are rules for yourself for yourself There are rules that I will abide by. because I know what I want for myself, for my life, from the relationships that I will have in my life. It's a rule for myself and People tend to think that it has to come with a means of control, controlling the other people around them, getting what they want out of like it doesn't It's I will do this or I won't do this This is what I want in life Are you in or are you out kind of if you're specifically in romantic relationships, There's a creator that I was I can't remember who it is, I'm sorry. They was watching a video and basically this couple that's married, the guy was saying that he didn't want to marry a woman who was going to bars wasasn't what he wanted. You bars are typically for single people. Now whether you agree with that or not It's a boundary of his.. And he didn't even ask her Go going to the bars and asker to leave. He just said I don't want, you know, I'm looking for a wife and the wife that I have isn't going to be going to Bars by herself be for whatever reason It was his boundary. She said, cool, I'm good with that. donon't need it. I'm also looking for the same thing, the same level of respect. So no more bars for me That's his boundary and she had the option to say, cool, I'm in or noope, sorry, I'm not.. That's an example of a real. not Hey, you better leave because I told you that I wasn't cool with this. And so if you go to the bar, I'm not going to talk to you and you're going It was his rule. She got to opt in or opt out. That's a boundary Interesting how many disputes that we've seen, you know, some text leak of a couple famous couple or whatever and one person is saying one thing, this is what I like or this is what I don't like. and yeah, the delivery of it. There's an awful lot to be said about that. But ultimately How many debates have been had online on podcasts about should you be okay with your partner going to the bar or whatever. And you go That that is a completely personal choice for you with your partner, and it is a completely personal choice for them too It is absolutely fine for you to want whatever you want. Yes up to a T Must put a caveat in. Check the laws,act Ped For the most part, it's completely fine for you to want whatever you want. You want to go to bed at nine PM That's fine. You want somebody that is quiet in the morning sine You want somebody's vegan, that's fine. You want somebody that's conservative, That's fine You just need to ensure that you make that plane and the other person is allowed to opt in or opt out. It feels really Almost all of the relationship problems that I see that happen on the internet are just two people who aren't compatible for each other, shouting about the fact that they're trying to make it work They're trying to like hammer this square peg into a round hole. And then everybody else gets to sit on the sidelines and say, I'm more like them or I'm more like the other one Yes Both of you should fuck off and find someone that's like Lave each other alone. Yes Lave this. Lave and find someone that wants to go to bed at nine PM. or has never voted Democrats or that doesn't want to eat meat. Well politics. something that I actually disagree. A lot of people say you can't be with someone who has a differing political, political view than you. And I I disagree in most cases. if we understand The why And the values behind Okay, we can take any of these situations as an example. We can use the bar, we can use the time you want to go to bed. We can use politics Do you know why those things are important to you Why is it important? What's the value behind not going to a bar if you're in a relationship without your spouse? What's the value behind going to sleep at nine o'clock versus two o'clock in the morning. What is the value behind having liberal views or having conservative views? What are the values? And from there It becomes a real conversation. rather than this fight of who's right and who's wrong. And I can't believe that you would want to kill these people and you don't care about these rights and. It's like, Well, at the end of the day We don't even know what we're fighting about because I haven't asked you why that's important to you. Why are your views on this that and the other? What does that mean to you? I'm actually curious about what that is and do those things align You can have similar values and o God, I should put on this thing. You you you can have similar values the heart of it, and it can look quite different as far as who you're voting for and what you believe. I told myself I would never speak Jared. You ever considered that you might have a drinking problem I don't consider a lot, Chris. Well, you drank an entire case of athletic buroncoo last night but they're non alcoholic That's not a problem. Sorry man. I just kept chugging waiting for the regret to creep in. neverever happened See, most people like Jared, They don't want to change what they drink. They just don't want the next day to be a complete write off. And that is why I'm such a huge fan of Athletic brewing Coke. They make the best NA brews on the planet. You can find Athletic Brewing Co's best selling lineup at grocery or liquor stores near you or best option. get a full variety pack of four flavors shipped direct to your door. Right now, get fifteen percent off your first online order by going to the link in the description below or heading to athleticbrewing d. com slash modern wisdom using the code mododern wisdom. a check out That's athleticrewing dot com slash modernisom A modern wisom A check out. Nebia Terms and conditions apply Athletic Brewing Company, fit for all times Bottoms up What do you make of the differences between the sexes right now? L of men and women just becoming less culturally compatible I think we're all becoming more egocric. It's almost like rested development Children by nature are egocentric because there's no way that their little brains can conceptualize anything beyond just them and their need to survive fundamentally, right? And so then ideally, you grow up and you can ascertain the stability of the world and whatever you go on to form an identity and a sense of self If you get stuck at a more egoentric age or in a more egoentric phase, everything is about you Everything is a reflection of you. Your needs are the most important thing. peopleople who have different opinions or values or feelings, all the things wrong because It is me and IMI and the center of the world. I'm being hyperbolic, but I think that we have a really difficult time both men and women really looking out side of ourselves without losing ourselves. Are you familiar with the term differentiation Are you familiar with the term enmashment kind of yes. Okay, sore kind their're chips off at the same bx.sin. So differentiation is essentially, I can stay connected to me while also being connected to you. So we are not one. And this goes for platonic relationships,, familial relationships or all the things. I can hold my sense of self while still being connected to someone who's different than me. Give me an example of the opposite of that and measurement.. Codependency. Right. Right? Your feelings are my feelings. So if you're not okay, I'm not okay and I have to fix it for both of us. sense of We are just one unit I think that being able to hold on to who we are, what we want, what we value, and still being able to relate to people that have that feel differently, that see the world differently, that have their own sense of self I'm not sure that we have much ice in that let alone solid examples of what that really looks like That's contributing to men and women struggling a little bit in the modern world because of cultural differences because they're stuck in this childhood ego phase. think it's That sound that sounds bad. But yeah, I think it is it's a socialization issue. where we aren't really taught how to relate in a way that says, tell me who you are And I'll tell you who I am. And we can still have a relationship even if all of these characteristics don't align. As if your self is a threat to myself. Yes Now that's interesting, and that's certainly something I think that we see on the internet a lot. that Somebody' stating a view. a girl stating a view about what she thinks to do with child rearing is seen by not only men, but especially women as a threat if they don't agree with that particular view Everything becomes tribal But yeah, I didn't I didn't realize that we're basically sort of enmeshing ourselves with the entire world and that because of our lack of a strong sense of who we are we see somebody else's sense of themselves as a threat to ours Well and you're also looking I mean To differentiate requires a certain amount of safety whether that be safety within yourself or safety within the people that are closest to you, right? Like you know who you are. You trust the people closest to you to reflect that back. And then you get to go venture out into the world and meet people that want to argue the opposite points or you have differing views of for the greater problem at large, I think is that we're using Shame. judgment and criticism. to try and change the other party I hear a lot of hate to men I hear a lot of hate towards women. I hear a lot of hate of well, it's their fault that we're like this and their fault that we're like this and it's like These are conversations that we need to have, but we're having them with the the entirely wrong attitude, an entirely wrong attitude. No one wants to change because they're shamed enough Sustainable change, real conversation, real understanding doesn't come from viewing vitriol at other people. It doesn't come from hatred. So I think that that general, atmosphere is already adding fuel to a fire that's What are the most common misunderstandings that you think modern men and women have about each other if you were able to p a chip out of one sex and give it to the other Hmm This is a really good question I would want women to understand and influence and importance play in men's lives. I think that gets lost in conversation. you know Good loving One end White powerful in a man's life if he also loves and respects her. And I think that that gets lost, especially in today's conversation of like Dum submission and being a docile good woman. and it's like we just put the rules aside You're important You make a really big difference. in this man's life. And I think that that should be reiterated. I also think that if women know that they're appreciated and that they're valuable and just their presence and their love and their attention goes a long way That's how we get things to chain when you feel valued, when you feel appreciated, it's like, Oh, that's great. I want to give more.. So that needs to be communicated. And I think that I would want men to know So if I was implanting this I think I would want men to know I would want men to know that There's far more value in who you are beyond just what you can offer on a piece of paper Beyond just the things that you can write down, I see that a lot In clients that I work with who are dating and clients that I work with who are married, it's It's still a lot of these norms of your only really worth anything If you can if you're of a certain size stature, if you make a certain amount of money, if you have certain status, power, you know whatever the things that you can write on a resume. basasically and just the value in showing up and being present and being loving and being available as a man is also important and necessary to women So basically less bravado, if I make a long story short. Yeah. Do you think emotional men often get overlooked I think it's starting to change But I do think that There is a bit of socializing. socialization that has taught us The men aren't supposed to cry Men aren't supposed to have more feelings, they're definitely not more feelings than the women in their lives. That's like scare you away. Like, oh, can't do that And I don't think that's true. And I think that that conditioning, I know that's not true. And I think that the conditioning around that is starting to fall away I think that We're having more conversations. about it where Taking a real honest look at what we were socialized to believe, and then it doesn't really make sense. right? If women are complaining about all of these emotionally unavailable men and I can't get the man to have a conversation with me and like he doesn't care about my day, if you want an emotionallyavailable guy, that's gonna mean that his emotions have to come to the table So You know What do you want? I want you to be able to sit in emotions, but only if they're mine. Right. I don't want you to have your own I see that mostly in the work. that I do. It's like giving men Theh vocabulary and the language to express what it is that they're feeling and like the space to actually communicate that And then I often see A lot of the work with women is the practice of allowing the men's emotions to take up space and not just theirs. What are the problems that women encounter when giving enough space giving space to men's emotions. I think there's there's a fear that if their emotions aren't being recognized If we're making space for his feelings, his emotions to come into play, then mine are just gonna be overlooked. Then mine get put on the back burner. And then I'm just appeasing him. and then what am I even here for I'm just here to validate him and he doesn't do anything.'s like Okay, well, nothing's going to get done without that attitude. Nothing The real question is can you build the capacity and the practice of having your feelings? tabling them for a second, while we also talk about his But women tend to feel and express largely loudly in a lot of ways, which I'm not against at all. I'm very passionate. I'm quite loud myself. but it has to come with an understanding that if you want to be in this relationship with another human who has feelings, sometimes we have to give it a beat Emotions are not emergencies. just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that you have to act on it now, and it doesn't mean that we can't give attention to the other person who's in this dynamic Does that make sense? No it does. it does. I've been thinking for a while. I wonder whether I wonder wh the standards have risen Our expectations have become unrealistic Both am I allowed to say both I think it's both that Far more people are actually marrying for love that again, E Parl talks a lot about this, but we're expecting one relationship to fill the needs that an entire village would have before And we're on social media that is filled with every single highlight real magical moment that's all been produced and very meticulously crafted, by the way. And then comparing that to our normal Tuesday nights. It's like, well you must not love me because you didn't send me seven thousand dollars worth of flowers on Valentine's Day And you know I can't be with her because to be honest, I mean, she's not a double D and she's like put on like ten pounds and like she's kind of the bitter sometimes. It's like, can we just, where's the humanness? in all of this I think we've lost We've lost the plot when it comes to expectations. And we need to make room for the higher standards that we have while also accounting for people's humanity for the connection that occurs just between two people who have A little bit of chemistry. similar visions of the future and decide to build lives together.. So I think it's both. Yeah, I see it in Cment threads all the time about problems with coupling And I would say on average It's more Um, Our standards have arisen from women and more The expectations are unrealistic for men U that at least from where I see in comments sections, I would love someone to do some data on this Regardless of who is saying what It's not It's not particularly helpful to say either of those things at the other side. Like you need to be better women or men go, well, do you not fucking think that they're trying actively trying to not be better. Who is actively trying to not be better? And when was the last time that somebody was Cajoled like beaten over the head into change en masse as a group. work? No. It doesn't work. No, no people I think that they can change other people, but they can't people think that they can't change themselves but they can It's one of my biggest pet pe this idea and it's kind of come back into trend recently that we should be shaming ourselves into change. L brring back public shame, bring back and it's like, why don't we just bring back like respect and you a sense of decency, but not Shame Same Shame doesn't create any kind of sustainable change that anyone's going to want The more that you criticize someone, the more that you shame them, the more that your actions are going to be fueled. I mean, okay, shame at its core is this fundamental belief that you are broken or bad Everything that you do is going to be to in some way disprove that you are fundamentally broken or bad if your actions are fueled by shame. At some point You're going to be exhausted and you're going to run out of energy to do so because you can't outrun it. You can't disprove it. There's no way to do that. not the actual belief of shame You u you're much better off trying to say that's not a person that I want to be And I believe in who I am. I'm devoted to being a better person notot because I'm fundamentally broken, but because I know what a good person I can be and that's my commitment is to be that person. Do see how you see how that differs? So this idea of shhaming your way into change, bring back public shaming. It's like it doesn't work. And I think that it perpetuates more negativity, more aggression, Um, And honestly more isolation than it does any kind of beneficial change. Most people have no idea where their testosterone levels sit. But what if I told you there was a solution? somethinghing that identifies low tea faster than a high school bully? and it won't cost you all your lunch money? That's where function comes in. 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So get the exact same blood panels that I do and save twenty five dollars by going to the link in the description below or heading to function health. com slash modern wisdom using the code mododern wisdom check out What do you think are the most difficult cycles for people to get out of in relationships The ones that are just kind of bad of but I'm I'm kind of taking a leftt on your question, but this is what came to mind first. The cycles that are most difficult to break, I find are the ones where the relationship is fine tootally destructive But like kindind of bad because Neither person is really all that committed to making the change in the relationship because it's just kind of bad. So then over time the cracks grow and the cracks grow and the damage continues and it expand in your You're basically looking at an issue that could have been repaired if it had only been a little bit worse a little bit earlier because you probably would have taken it more seriously Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeahah, yeah yeah It's a thousand tiny paper cats. Yes Yes, exactly. Or there's another option that people, if anyone's listening and it is kind of like, oh, that's me. you can care. You can just start to care. You just have to intentionally see that this kind of bad thing couldnt get worse if you don't pay attention to it You mentioned repair then. What's the gold standard for rupture and repair in your opinion? really have to start with curiosity. You have to make sure that you understand why the rupture happened, how the other person was feeling and share how you were feeling, you know, whoever was Quver was kind of on the receiving end that that damage. has to be able to say, this is why This hurt This is what I was feeling This is what your actions meant to me. And then the other person has to take accountability. It's really that Three step process curiosity accountability and then actually changing, implementing the change And I think that often what becomes difficult in this rupture repair kind of cycle is the fact that We often don't change it right away It will more than likely happen again sooner than we'd like. tolerating that disappointment. can feel really difficult. So You rupture You repair I won't do that again. and then you do And then there's same thing, same thing sensitive issue comes back and hang in a second I just gave you my trust that you were going to change this thing. You didn't change this thing They gu It's never going to change. Yeah I now can't ever trust anymore repair. and the disappointment that you fall into with that There's a certain tolerance for disappointment that we all need And I hate it's such a it's such a sounds such a negative phrase as such a bad connotation, but there is a certain amount of disappointment that we have to tolerate if we're gonna be in relationship with another imperfect human Now The second, third, fourth time that issue comes around, it was ruptured again and it was ruptured again I wouldn't say that it's not a sign that you're necessarily with the wrong person. If each time it comes around, you can stay in it with the same curiosity, with the same genuine like Okay, shit, this is why I did okay, you're feeling this way, okay, that's similar to last time, but this time there's a little more anger than there is sadness. Okay, so the reason why I screwed up this time for the fourth time Honestly, I just it slipped my mind. And so because it just slipped my mind, this is what I'm going to do to try to keep it more top of mind. How does that sound to you? Like you're gonna have to keep coming back to the same to the same issues for at least a little bit, if not for a long bit You've got this line. life doesn't remove what isn't for you. It just lets it exhaust you over and over and over again until you choose differently Yeah Yeah There's, u I also, I take issue with Pretty much anything that starts with someone who loves you would or someone who loves you wouldn't I know it sounds like it' kind of yeah, okay, I'll explain. But You lose a sense of intuition when you take other people's black and white assumptions without any kind of introspection or feeling into your own sense of right or wrong. So someone who loves you would Well someone who loves you would text you every would text you good morning every day because they love you. and that's just how it is Okay, well, that's a little silly. There's plenty of ways to love people. I want to feel into whether or not this love feels right for me because like that That line is is highlighting. There's a sense of knowing that you have a sense of knowing whether something is really for you or really not The universe doesn't remove what isn int for you, it just lets it exhaust you over and over and over and over and over again That's going to be a felt sense of shit. This is the seven hundredth time But I felt this way There is no right, wrong rule, boundary, like no one else is going be able to give me the knowing that I build within myself That's what's going to help you get up and make the change that you need to change A lot of this is tapping into a sense of self trust My desires are legitimate I'm allowed to want what I want, and I'm allowed to not like something that doesn't make me feel good and that I don't like ' strange how much chrobatics Olympic level acrobatics people are prepared to go through. in an attempt to hide away from or justify or legislate Um, donon't like that Is it okay for me to not like that? Is's okay for me to not like that thing that I don't like? Hence why you need the ten rules of if he loved you, he would, or if he does these ten things, he doesn't love you Its like where we Can we be so for real Does it feel like the kind of love you want to receive? Just because he doesn't text you good morning every single day, Okay, well, he takes out the trash every time that he realizes it's getting kind of full. You didn't ask him to do that. Maybe you don't evenve together. But he notices it He opens your corrid door. You never asked him to do that He lays there and lets you put his cold feet under his legs at night and bed, even though he hates it. Like there's so many ways to receive and give love. and The real The love that is for you is going to feel right to you. It's not going to come in a list someone on the internet gives you or know the universe will magically remove what's not for me. It's like No, no, check in here. It'll just exhaust you enough until you can't bear it anymore. Exactly. Yeah, there was a A line very similar to yours. I saw that's The universe will continue to shout louder and louder until you finally hear the lesson Aam It is it is At least as far as I've seen, most of my friends at a smart oginally eventually end up at the place that they're supposed to The goal is to try and reduce down the Doose that you made like Do I have to wait seven hundred times? Can I have not got there at three hundred and fifty? C I have not got there at one hundred? Yes. How do you come to think about I think it's a really nice rubric. You are allowed to like the things you like. You are allowed to not like the things that you don't like and your desires and the way that you feel is legitimate But also We know that instinct and intuition and gut feeling can cause us to act rationally They can cause us to follow our impulses when we should have actually taken a little bit more of a step back and tried to be a bit more equanimous. I know you're a fan of the mindfulness gap in between stimulus and response How do you come to think about balancing those two things? Because I think the Curse of the Othinker is somebody who goes, Okay, so it's important for me to feel how I feel and how I feel is right. Well, yeah, but There's also impulse in there and a lot of reaction and sometimes activation You understand how these two things could be sort of on opposite sides of the same scales? I think it comes down to knowing your values Majority of the decisions that we make become a lot clearer when we know what's important to us So if kindness is important to you. What's the kinder decision here? And genuine kindness. As in maybe I need to leave this relationship because it's unkind of me to stay in it knownowing that this other person is fully in it and I'm not. L it's unkind of me to stay. So then the kind decision would be to leave, right the When you're looking at the values that you hold true to you you basically are left with, okay, yeah, this one's more align and this one's not. And if you aren't, Then it's pretty much a game of self trust because you're going to say I'm going to go left and I'm gonna to make the most of whatever left is going to bring me. I trust myself to do that. I've looked at the I have another video where I say U actuallyually it's on overthinking and it's, um Basically If things go according to plan, great, keep it moving. If they don't, great, keep it moving. But the reality is you need to know that you are there to pick yourself up if or when things don't go according to plan. So makeake a well intentioned decision for everyone that aligns with your values. and then take it from there But if you're Thank If you know that you that this decision isn't going to genuinely harm someone If that that's pretty obvious, right? If it's going to harm someone, you probably shouldn't do it Most other decisions are typically going to come down to What do I genuinely want more of or less of in my life And it's going to feel really big and really heavy. and it's going to feel like this catastrophic or potentially catastrophic decision. It's like, well If you really boil it down to this one's going to bring me more of this and this one's going to bring you more of that whichich one do you want And then you decide Mm. So much of it is, again, self trust. it really does come back to that. and I wonder how people are able to operate functionally inside of a relationship if they don't have self trust well not well I mean, you're looking at you have to look at You have to look at who you are In this, I call it like the third entity that you're building is the relationship. and you have to look at your side of the street. And that's really difficult to do without shame spiraling. Like being able to take a look at how you've contributed to the circumstances of your relationship that you dislike Being able to genuinely do that is necessary to move the relationship forward in a healthy way, but it's impossible to do if you don't trust yourself to go there If you don't trust yourself, you spiral. It's like, o, I'm so bad and everything's so awful and you also can't You can't hear the other person in the relationship without falling into you know defense mechanisms and another shame spiral and more judgments and deflection, right? If you bring something to your girlfriend, wife, whoever, if you're say, hey, I'm really bothered by this. You know, I really miss you. You know, you've been working a lot. I've been working a lot. and I just I want more time with you She could hear that as he doesn't appreciate the work that I do. He just wants me home. He doesn't even understand. He only cares about his job. When in reality, you're saying, hey, I miss you. C you could we spend more time together? You have to be able, she would have to be able to really trust her ability to handle her own feelings and thus trust you in the relationship. to really hear the request there Does that make sense? Yeah. It's interesting how many people would prefer to default to a shadow sentence or passive aggression Oh, going out with your friends again tonight. supposed to I miss you. And Nedra,'d like to see you and It would be really great if We could spend some time together this week. Yeah. Like the difference in those two senses And one of them kind of encourages this ever escalating game of tit for tat of wow, last time when you did that thing, no no, no, no no. as opposed to I see where you are you're doing something just exclusively out of love, pretty much And fuck, like I should nurture that 'm sorry that I haven't And you said that so nicely there. That was such a beautiful way. It's the British accent. I'm suggesting the British accent Sometimes it does come off a little passive aggressive. and even in that opportity even in that is an opportunity to actually listen into what's being asked of you even though the delivery isn't great Thus. We don't like to talk about that. We don't like to talk about having to be the bigger person in the relationship. And I'm not saying that you should be with someone who talks down to you all the time,, but we all have off days where we didn't regulate before we came to the table. and we weren't able to say, Hey, I really miss you. couldould we please spend some time together? It comes off as well, about time, haven't seen y' all week. you know first dinner we've had together in six days Yadada There's an opportunity there to Lean in and think, okay, what is being asked of me What is the request here You know, I care about this person enough to assume they want isn't necessarily to my detriment, right? It's not going to M. they're looking for something that I can supply. So if they're looking for more love, what could the love look like in this passive aggressive comment? That's not fun to do Until you get really good at it, then it's kind of funuck But then after a while, you do risk getting into theate late night journaling sessions for a very long time. Well explain to me again why it is that you decided to call me a fucking bitch. Like just tell me Is it because of your father that you did this thing. But I get it. and a lot of this is learning to temper your foot on and off the gas. But too much of that, too much of that overthinking of, well, am I should I be a little bit more understanding? or have I is this really I should take the five step Byron Katady journaling protocol so that I can make sure that I understand do you feel good just comes back to do you feel good inside of this relationship? And is there Okay, let's play that situation back too passassive aggressive, you're the bigger person. Awesome. You found the request There should also be a comment that's like Hey, I really love you Clearly, you're really stressed. canan we work on this? Because like that wasn't fun to communicate with. You know, I'm really trying to stay in it and like I care about you. So like what's What can we do to make that better? not just to put up with it endlessly, but it gives the I mean, think about that. you ever been in a really bad mood and you bump into someone who's in a great mood and you're like, man, I just God, I need more of that. I need more of that today. you know, and and then you do. you shake some of it off and you go on about your day a little bit lighter, a little bit more upbeat It's similar in a relationship. only kind of a hundredfold. Like if you come to the table Trying to be more emotionally mature, more secure And the other person does too, you're going to have days where that doesn't perfectly in line, but the fact that you're both committed to it means that you do level up Yeah What do you think AI relationships say about people today and the need for connection I don't know what do they say Well, I mean, there's an awful lot GPT four when Oh you're saying are our relationships with AI. Yeah. so the fact that people are having relationships with AI Do you think that says as a comment about where peopleople's attachments are the moment I think we search for the least amount of friction possible And that's an issue because Humans are imperfect, right? Like we're We're all fallible. and that's a problem when you can log on to a chat bot who's going to validate your every reest, every desire, going to validate your every thought, your every feeling with zero expectations, zero the expectation of reciprocity anyway and you get to scratch that edch becomes a problem when you're looking at, you know real life. and if you're really looking for a husband, a wife, a partner, someone even just friends, then your friends become annoying because your friends have inconvenience to you, unlike your chat bot does Um that worries me a little bit It does. Do you see Whitney Wolf Hudood, Bumble CEO talk about how people's AIs will date other people's AIs and then sort of pass that up to the inverse sales funnel I mean, I don't see, I would love to actually see what she's talking about because that just sounds insane That sounds absolutely bonkers. You tell so much about a person by the photos that they choose on their dating app, by the way that they answer certain prompts, by the way that the opening line that you get when you first message, like there's so much that you read into What does that even mean? your AI avatars are going to be speaking to each other I don't think it should be legal. sorry, I don't. I really I think that you're crossing into really dangerous territory when it comes to choosing romantic partners based on your AI ars It removes the humanness from a fundamentally human necessity That's cononcerning to me Well the one area that AI sucks is most is taste. Being able to be tasteful, if you ask it to tell you a joke Like write an interesting joke about this I'm yet to hear any that even partly understands how human psychology works. And that level of discernment I think is essentially non existent. Now this may just be a compute problem. Right? If you get ten times the Transformers, maybe this will just come along for the ride. But something tells me that, yeah, it's fundamentally a human challenge And also There is something about the meet, the what's it called meet cute story, like how did you guys get together? No one wants to say online. No one wants to say online dating. I fucking bet even fewer people want to say, oh, my AI avatar and his AI avatar. they really got on well and we didn't think it was going to work, but the AI avatars, they convinced us we do we know how it's going to work? Are you genuinely going to be pulling up a conversation between your avatars and being like, oh, that's going well. I would imagine it'll be some kind of pres screening. So I imagine that you'll do some kind of psychometric evaluation testing, conversate, what are the sort of things that you're into? What matters to you, d d. And then you do the same with somebody else, they must have some kind of data set of compatibility of people typically who are like this, don't get on or do get on with people who are like that. And then over time you end up filtering these out. Now what's interesting What's interesting is that maybe If you do get away from swiping and apparently this is, I don't know whether this is true or not I heard it Um sort of the swipe economy is eating shit at the moment. they're really struggling User numbers, usage, revenue, all of this stuff going through the floor So this is a way to try and counteract that. One thing that might be a bit of a white pel, at least a white pill lining on this If you get around some of the biases and erroneous judgments that people have of others maybe the AIs will be able to feed you partners that you would not have seen as a potential match. that may go on to actually be a match for you because it's gotten rid of some of the You know there tends to be a zeroing in like a gravitational pull towards certain people on dating apps Now That's because everybody is optimizing for the same quite small bucket of traits that are usually available through dating apps If you have AIs, maybe they're going to be able to find people that you wouldn't have necessarily swiped on. but you would get into a great relationship with and I don't know, may maybe that broadens the playing field a little bit more makes it a little bit more I'm scraping the barrel here, okay? Why you trying Wh. What if we ask you to say, what if we came up with shows, dating shows where we put everyone on planes and sent them off to go date? and there's like a hundred of those, right where we send people off to go? Okay, yeah, there is. I was on the. Yeah You don't need any more of those. But you do not need any more of those. But we do the AIs and the AIs talk to each other and then we watch the conversations and then we have an infinite number of datings. Yeah, that's part of that such a good idea. And then we don't even need to date. we can just sit there and watch our AI avatars date on screen for us. The dystopia is It's too ready. But yeah, I look, I can we just all go to Coffee shops, singles, coffee shops, Thursdays from six AM to nine AM, especially someone like somewhere here in Austin. You know, I like this lectures on tap thing. Have you seen this? Oh. So it's kind of in New York. I think it might be coming to Austin as well Uh, it's professors and academics and other people that do interesting research giving presentations in what looks like bars and maybe sort of small event spaces And people get to go and it's kind of like going back to school, but there was one about black holes and there's another about human evolution and then there's another about geology and whatever. And I love it. 's probablybably not great if you're trying to listen to a lecture to have someone going like, hey, Sica M. adu Just shut the fuck up. I'm learning about I'm learning about how gravity works. Yeah, I' learning about how gravity works. But you come in an hour early, two hours early. All the singles come in at a specific date. L they're I wish that we could I wish that we could encourage people to get outside and actually speak to each other more. And I know this everyone says it, and I don't have an answer it. I don't know how to solve the issue There is a magic that happens just by being in someone's presence. and then your laundry list of wants and non negotiables and all of the things, maybe not the non negotiables. But all of your wants is seems so Well your non negotiables become way more negotiable. That' right. you know. If they're true, non negotiables they'll stay non negotiable. but Your list tends to dissipate quite quickly when you're just in the presence of someone that you enjoy I had no idea for dating app, which is all that you're allowed to put up is a one minute selfie video It's just video because What you're trying to do, basically, as far as I can see, most online dating is just you speed running through this sort of weird, sterile autistic back and forth conversation where you try not to be too keen, but also try to make the needs known without seeming too needy, to get to the point where you can see and speak to the other person Pblem being experience thiss not a woman releliably, I've been told that the DMs of most women on the internet or a fucking cesspool. And if you open up a dating app Just have video U I worry whether that would be a potential You'd need some AI on there to filter. Okay. And so people would be dressing they'd be dressing their dick picks up with a mouache. They'd be sort of literally popping this on the top. And they'd be like, hello My name is Christopher I'd love how lovely to meet you It's like slowly getting like lower over time. Sorry, let me put some blood back in. It's like you're speaking from experience. No L, I've never done ideas. No,' that's not how it works. Good Cute. Let's bring this one home. You're awesome. I love your work. I think you're great. I love the fact that you're trying to help people understand themselves better. Why should everyone go to check out what you're doing F the water there onn all the things, all the places, I'm doing a live tour. suuper excited. twelve live workshops. U dates to be announced, but it's in the coming months. Gotta keep that one a little a little quiet. Oine. I appreciate you Until next time Thanks Chrace.e. All right. See you next time, everyone Yes. When I first started doing personal growth, I really wanted to read the best books, the most impactful ones, the most entertaining ones, the ones that were the easiest to read and the most dense and interesting