The Three Questions Podcast Philosophy

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With over 18 5 flavor awards, they're exceptional NA beers that fit your lifestyle and any social occasion. Summer's full of good times and athletic fits right in. Go to athleticbrewing.com to have brews delivered to your door or find them at a bar , restaurant, or store near you. Near beer, athletic brewing company, fit for all times . Put your name on . Just put your name on. That's all I can. Be a man or a woman. Put your name on it. Pretty good man's name. You uh just used a restroom. I want to ask Joe and Kyle. Out of all the guests we've ever had , who do you think had the loudest, strongest stream? There's one that stands out. Edelman was very str ong. What do you want? I have a very uh when you when you're weak a Jewish NFL player, you have to have a strong diamond . I wasn't here for Connor, but Connor 's the winner. Connor was from Love on the Spectrum. Connor. Oh wow. He was I I knew he Kyle, remember? I was like, I knew he had to pee and I wish I brought it up because it was a good half hour and he's like he would go he would straighten his legs out like one of those like party things on New Year's. He would just in the middle of talking would go and uh and I was like I've never seen him do that on the show. I I could I be so bothersome as to use your restroom. Yeah, yeah. It sounded like Thor, hammer of the gods in there. Like he might as well have just been throwing rocks at a well. Yeah, no. Was I w were you judging mine? Oh . Oh yeah. Guys are age. Well I know I pissed in the sink just so you were have you ever pissed? Of course you have. Of course I pissed in a sink. Yeah, my roommates in work. I have no idea how many times when I woke up in the middle of the night and I just got on my tippy toes and pissed in the sink. Like I'm not waiting. I had a my first my first uh dressing room at late night with Conan O'Brien. You were on Conan O'Brien? How many times did you do it? No, no, no. I was a regular there. And you know that. Sorry. You tried to humiliate me on the internet. Nobody's trying to humiliate me. Um no but it was it was liter I had a uh a love seat and like a rack and then a sink. It was like I could rack. You know, like a clothing rack, you know, like you brought your garment bag, like Frankie Valley . Yeah, no, it was but uh uh and a little sink and a and a counter and it's like I pissed in that sink every day 'cause I Where was the restroom in relation to Oh it's like down it's Studio Nine, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where or no, it was uh on sixx. Si. And uh and and but yeah, it was like down the hall by the elevators. Yeah, I don't have time. I'm I'm a sink guy. You were pissing a sink? Of course. Absolutely. Yeah. You're like six four? Yeah. Yeah, that's gotta be I had to go on my uh you had to go on your tippy toes, right? Uh that's why you got those great calves and absolutely hairless legs. Are you a fucking Chippewa? No, no. People ask me like they're like, Do you shave your I'm I I have never been hai ry and I'm fifty-nine now and within like the last six or seven years, the hair on my body just decided to quit and just v went away. On your body. Yeah. Yeah. You got a nice head of hair. Yeah, I got a pretty decent head of hair and I still have pubes. Uh got some hair on my asshole, if you all must know. And I know you were thinking it. I was. But like like I just just just I happened to be going through some old pictures looking for something and I saw a picture of myself and it because it was like shortly after I got divorced but I I went to Hawaii with my daughter and got terribly sunburned and took a picture of my sunburn and like I still had hair on chest on my on my chest and my belly and now it's like just not there anymore. I've never heard of a guy losing . Is that considered pubic hair? It's a well it it happened. It happened to my dad. Like it's like and my dad's not real hairy either. Like I never could grow a good beard, you know? Like I just kinda it's kinda like I can grow a goate e and then there's like a couple of whiskers waving at each other, you know, over here from a distance. Yeah, mine doesn't go down my beard, it goes out. Oh, does it? Yeah, where I I just look like Martin Van Buren. Yeah. I w Yeah. Now you're speaking my language. That's my favorite look. That's why I love Death by Lightning so much on Netflix. You would have been great on it. Death by Lightning? I don't know. Uh is about Garfield? Oh. No, um Chester A. Arthur or Garfield. One was a series, huh? Yeah, there's four episodes. Who you gotta look that up for me real quick. Uh this doesn't happen on other podcasts. The y're he's from Ohio and he gets a let he just go, he's asked to give a speech for someone else. Yeah. For the uh electoral college voting and whatever. Right. When they all did it in a big hall. And uh we got it . Yeah, yeah. It's uh James A. Garfield, President James A. Garfield . And Chester A. Arthur succeeded succeeded him played by Nick Offerman. Yeah. Was Garfield shot? Yes. By Aassssin Charles J. Gutou . What was that? Gut French. And the guy that played him was exceptional. So he gives the speech, they cast all their votes, and at the his speech is incredible. And at the very end, it's like and one for Garfield. And he's like, all right, that's crazy. And they just can't they keep deadlocking with the electoral college. And then it's like, and two for Garfield. And then after I think a day and a half, two days, it's like, and the and the entire state of something, fuck it, all of them for Garfield. And then everybody goes, I didn't want to say it, but he seems like the best. So then he just steamrolls the other guys. I got goosebumps. I I love this stuff, Andrew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, I'm not gonna serve and I'm not gonna live in the White House. Yeah. And they're like, ah, you'll be all right. So then he goes back to Ohio and anybody that wanted to have any government business, they had to go take a horse and buggy to Ohio and meet him on his porch. I love that. Then he gets talked into the White House and he has it open to the public at every Thursday and Friday. You could just stand in line and talk to him. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, you're gonna get assassinated. And it's big death by assassination is like death by lightning. Yeah. It's just if it's gonna happen, there's nothing. Right, right. Yeah. But he was a cool guy. He seemed seemed but he had the nice Where did the lasagna come in? Lasag na. It's Garfield. Oh dear . I like that it doesn't turn off until you hit it again. It just keeps going. Yeah, my wife got this for me. She goes, I think that you might like this. I'm like, with Joe, are you kidding me? Speaking of which, my wife's in the woods . No, no. Tree. You got frog, tree singing, tree frogs. So many frogs. It's so low. They're up there now doing it? Yeah, yeah. I could hear tree frogs across the city. I love how happy you are about . Yeah, no, I was like, tree frogs! It sounds like crickets, but it ain't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're fucking. They beat it. If you pull them out, there's they're stacked on each other like four at a time. Like lasagna. Picking frog. No, my son, there's a little pond over here and they were my son was like pulling them out of a pipe. He was like five. Yeah. And when you pull them out, they're all stacked on top of each other like, well look, they're playing He's like, look, they're all playing piggyback. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, gooey piggyback. But that night in bed, I'm tucking him in. He goes, Daddy, I go, yeah. He goes, I never saw a frog before. It was like the sweetest thing. I he was like Dr. Doolittle with these really. He was like regulating the other kids. Like, that's not how they like to be held. Oh wow. Yeah. Do you ever have pet frogs? Any reptiles? No, but we amphibians. I where I grew up, uh uh I my grandparents like we grew up on land that was in our family for years. I grew up on land in Illinois. And then we had a pond in our backyard. And like down there was like our yard, and then it went down a hill and there was a pond and then it kind of was into like some creek bottomland woods. And and I we used to catch, you know, I would catch frogs and I wouldn't you know just like just to catch 'em just to you know, like as a kid. Yeah. It's like you got a summer a day in summertime like I'll just go spend two hours catching frogs, holding them, letting them go, and then catching another one. When they pee on your hands? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, down the shore. Toads would do that too. Yeah. But toads would secrete a they're secreting a toxin. Jesus. Yeah, yeah. That's why me and my sisters were all in a fucked up Yeah, bumping in it licking walls over warts. Yeah, but my grandfather used to tell like, don't pick them up, you get warts. He also said you got warts by kissing I won't say it. Uh what? Oh, it's something racist? Yeah. Horribly. Okay . You know where that's from? Like Joe's got a fever blister on his lip. He'd go, You know where that's from? Oh boy. Yeah, yeah. That's from Kissin Polak. No, he except he didn't let's let the dead be de ad. I'm so happy how excited Andy got for frogs. Yeah, no, I was thrilled. I love that sound. I love that sound. Do you what if you if I I get a karaoke machine upstairs, if I if I bring it down here, what would you be searching for? What what what would you do? Oh my gosh. There's so many good songs. Um did you ever come up with your answer? Well, he thinks I'll vamp. Yeah. Um all night long. Lana Ritchie. That's a good one. There's a my old go-to when years ago I did a show with people and we would go and do karaoke like on a regular basis out here at Kelbow's. Do you remember Kelbows? It was uh it's on to either Barrington or Bundy. Oh it's over here. Yeah yeah it's it's on the west side and it was and now it's a titty bar of some kind. But it's like a nautical themed titty bar. Now, I mean, I don't know what it is. If it's even still there, I haven't been by there in West LA? How did I how did I miss that? is that uh It used to well there well there was a actually when it was still Calbows, there was a but there was a titty bar called Plan B. Oh that's still there. It's still a middle school. It was across the street from Plan B. I passed I was there today. Not at the meeting, another place. No, no, no. I go to a meeting. Polynesian, like a tiki bar kind of place, multi-floors, and they had pictures of like when they were the hottest jointed town, and uh, you know, Lucy and Ricky picking up ribs to carry out, you know, and they had karaoke nights and we used to go there and sing karaoke. And my go to was uh goldfinger. Because it's a really good gold finger . He's a man, a man with the might est touch. You know, it's just that great one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think with guys with karaoke, like we'll when we've realize we sound good, we immediately start hamming it up. Yeah, oh it could be well first of all you gotta sing something fun and you gotta sing a crowd pleaser, you know? Like Yeah, like what I do in home, Stuck on You by Lionel Richie, I sing it to my wife. Yeah, yeah. Like if I did that at the bar, you'd be like, boy. Yeah, yeah, come on, come on. What would I do? I you gotta do like Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys, I guess. That would get people fired up. Especially doing it with a wiffle ball bell. Somebody did I was at a karaoke bar and I would never have thought to do it, but somebody did he ah and it was fucking awesome. That seems like way too much meal for this topic. The whole place went it was great. It's it would be a good one. My wife's joke is people go, what's your go-to karaoke machine? She says Rocket by Herbie Hancock. And it's not until they're walking away, they go, wait a minute. That doesn't have any words. By that time, we're already in our dune buggy laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laughing. Laughing as we peel out. And did you we get yours, Kyle, ever ? Um , um, if they ever have it, uh they used to have it at um Barney's Beenery. It's a one-hour show, Kyle. Yeah, yeah, I know. Uh I did Monty Python sit on my face just because it's a minute. You get in and out quick. Okay . He's keep keeping notes. I make notes as I go. As I go, like you grew up on land cards. I like that you grew up on land. I did grew up on Illinois. And I think by the way, I think my joke, I grew up on land too. I don't think that got enough jokes. You know, one thing I've always wanted to ask you, because when we were working to we worked together on a movie, look what I grew up there.. Seeing other people Seeing other people. But you told me something. It was like I think you your grandfather had a company that had the best name. It was like something like the Excellence Group or something like that. House of Excellence. House of Excellence. You remember that? Fuck yes. But I didn't remember exactly what it was, but I knew it was just pro- It was just like that's such a big swing, you know, to build- Oh, and it ended terribly. No, it didn't. Oh, it became like it was it was like garments or something wasn't it like no he was pre uh perfumes he was president of Revlon oh and then he branched off and did a he was like a big shit guy like he ran for Congress he ran for the Senate, I think. Jack Moore . He was a band leader. Jack Moore on the hi-hats. Wow. He was on President Nixon's Counsel for the Aging. He was one of those guys like that. Wait, he he had a band and was on Revlon's board and politics. And then started just teach ing wood shop in Clinton, New Jersey, and then just became like this guy. Like he mowed the lawn in a suit. He had his like sporty suit. Right, right, right. But he did get a little dirty. With a different crest on it, you know, he's a member of the Heisman Club and like he was the guy. Wow. And he left Revlon and he formed House of Excellence. And then when I was a kid, it was like wow, they live in a mansion. I didn't realize at eight years old it was Grey Gardens. Oh oh. And they had a lot of tenants on the fourth floor, and they all went to Montclair State College. They rented out a lot of rooms. Now it'd be called a sleeper cell, Joe. I was trying to get you to spit that out. It was a lot of shady old le Eastern. That's crazy. No blacks. Yeah. No. Different grandfather. Yeah. Yeah. Uh yeah. He and like you see he was friends with like Ray Bolger and like Jane Mansfield, Judy Gar, like they all his house, the basement was all pictures of him with all these celebrities when they came to Revlon. Pat Boone . And then um, he's the reason I had the giraffe tattoo because he had all these giraffe statues all through the house. Yeah, yeah. And when he was on his deathbed, I go, I'd like you to talk more in this episode, but I'm gonna get this story out. That's all right. Uh oh God, this is right how it falls in line for you your whole life. Some guy fucking taking the spotlight from a beautiful man. You brought it up. That story sucks . Andy, let me ask you a question. Yeah, yeah. Final question. Then you start again. When we did seeing other people, that was a Gavin Pallone produced movie. Yes. Was that an offer? Did you have to audition for that did any of us have to audition for that I don't I don't remember but I I don't think so me you Josh Charles yeah and um and Brian Cranston yeah but me you and Josh Charles were like the friend group. The friend group, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a T V writer, you were an executive of some kind. I d honestly do not remember you were almost like autistic with baseball knowledge. Yes. And I was the dork, the kind of loser dork. Renaporno or something. You don't have to see other people. I remember I love that read every time you said it. You don't have to cheat. Renaporno or something. Only Andy could have delivered it that way. Uh so we were the friend group. Brian Cranston was the oh my god. Like somebody's husband, I think. Yeah. Like maybe a sister's husband or something. Julian Nicholson's sister, who was on a sitcom with the other one from the thing , it's like my weakness, those girly shows. But and he gets caught like jacking off. Oh yeah. Dreaming about Julian Nicholson. So me and Julianne Nicholson are married and it becomes what marriage has become. The kind of spark goes out. And so we decide since blue chew. Not with blue chew or blue chew gold, my friend. Time for some action. So uh we decide since we neither one of us were like real fuck around people, like why don't we see other people and we'll report back? I'm a TV writer, so I fuck everybody because they all want access. She fucks one guy, the Gardener guy, who's like this hot gardener guy. Yeah, yeah. Uh white gardener place . And then so I'm mad at her as like seeing other people, not seeing other person, and she's mad at me for just fucking my way through Los Angeles. And it was so well written by Wally Walodarsky that when I went home and argued with my wife, I didn't know if I was arguing or if I was acting like I was arguing. Really? I've said that to somebody in that chair about getting stuck. Maybe he was Tobolowski . I was like, it really fucked my head up. Oh, really? It was like the only time I was like in the weeds with the character. Wow. And that sex scene I didn't didn't you have a kid right at that time too? Wasn't your kid? I had Jackson, yeah. My wife, yeah. Yeah. And the sex scene I had with Shannon Mochler. Okay . Uh, fun fact, we found out about halfway through the day, she was five months pregnant. Wow. Wow. Just laying there with her ankles up in the air. You work fast. I did n't actually alarming. Yeah. It was really weird and not at all sexy. Sexy Yeah, no. That was my you know what was sexy? The one-on-one time with Julianne Nicholson, I absolutely fell in love with her. Yeah. I absolutely I've been meaning to say this on this podcast for over a year. Like I absolutely fell in love with her. Like I would have ran away with her. She's so great too. And I mean, and it I she was in that, and I don't think I had ever seen her in anything before that. She's a great actress. Yeah. And not like my type, like the Irish lass with the freckles. Like that's not, you know, I'm way shallower than that. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And I was just like, I remember just running lines and being like, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever You also too? I'm gonna say that that uh you pestered me endlessly because you and I are very different. Like you're you uh you pussy talk all the time. Used to. You used okay, whatever. In those days. I'm going with that whatever that was 2003 J Moore. Yeah. And you used to pussy talk all the time. And you were p you would pester me and p and I was happily married at the time. And you would pester me and pester me like, of everybody here, who would you wanna who would you like of all the women? Yeah, yeah. Like who, do you you who would want to sleep with? Who would you and I just would brush you off and brush you off. Finally, I'm like, okay. And I don't even exactly remember. I know it was like somebody on the crew. I was like, well, that one woman, whatever, Jane, she's I' like her shes really cool you go to her within an hour oh no and fucking tell her you know who's cool you know you know who's got a crush on you at least I said that yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean but still I was just like goddamn you Jay Moore. That was the first marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I So I was just trying to help you. Well I just what sixteen years, you know? We were just talking about this. What is it about marriage that just starts the death process of a relationship? I saw yeah, you talked about that with Kevin Nealin. And I don't what is that? I don't think it is. I I mean I was married for 25 years. Jesus Christ. You know, I was married for twenty five years in my first marriage. So but I'm also like, I don't know that I I don't think I don't I don't think you can generalize in that sense. I think it is hard to do whatever I want. Well, right. Exactly. These are your chairs. Um I uh Time for a sorry, time for a Lucy break. The whole show is just me doing that. Hold on a second. Speaking of divorce, Morgan and Morgan. Legal zoo. Yeah, yeah. Um Morgan and Stab very nice. Way better than mine. But I um I just think it's hard to stay together with somebody. It's just really hard to stay together with somebody. How many? Twenty five years. And then we were we were together like two years before that. So So what happens? You just there was no big fights for it. I heard you on Neil Brennan's podcast. You did a good job talking about it. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I really enjoyed it. No, it thank you. No. This is going better, but Neil Brennan. He's gonna be my roommate. No, I love Neil Brennan. Um I you know what happened was is the the you change, you know, and also there's like and also um you neglect the relationship. Yeah. And we were still like pretty good friends and pretty good like pretty good parents. You know, like nobody's perfect, but like we did a good job raising kids. We ran a household pretty well together. Like just in terms of division of labor, there wasn't a lot of like you don't do this and you don't do that. But we just stopped being married, I think. We stopped upkeeping the relationship and then and then it just kind of it and then we didn't we didn't fix it in time. And I mean and I don't know I don't know Springsteen song. I don't know that if that w like if that if there was a fixing it. I think that just over time, you know, like the change like us becoming different people and us changing in different ways . It would it, you know, it might not have worked no matter how much work we threw at it. But there certainly was a point where it was just like this , this is I had a moment where I was just like because it is imp like having a a a spouse, a partner is very it's I I've come to realize it's about the most important thing in the world to me. And I and I do not do well without it. Like I could like when I was single after I got divorced, I did have this thought of like, okay, I could do this, but I don't want to do that. Like I could be single. It could just be me and my dog and my kids come over and you know, but I don't want to do that. And um and I I I I just had a m I had one moment where I just was like , I can't live the rest of my life. And I was very aware, too. Like, I think your life is in three chunks. There's like your childhood, there's your kind of adulthood way you're raising kids. And then there's like, you know like I'm around the third middle mid mid fifties into however long it lasts. Yeah . And I realize I'm getting into the third act here and I can't I can't have the best that it is is just getting along and tolerating each other. Like that cannot be the best that it gets. And I just and I made the ultimately good I think decision, but horrible decision to blow it all up and and and move out. And it was it was fucking Was it a horrible decision or were you just the one brave enough to say it out loud? Uh well, because I mean I was the one brave enough to say it out loud, but it it was there was wreckage that I I if I you know we could have possibly muddled through for a while, you know, years longer and not, you know, upset uh things as much as as was upset. But that's so sad. Of course. And that's why I didn't you know that's why Are you guys still friends now? Not really. Oh uh being remarried w it was getting there and then when I got remarried it was kinda like oh okay. You know You know when I said it's like a Springsteen song. Specifically, Stolen Car. There's a great line. He goes, She asked if I remember those letters I wrote. She said last night I read all those letters. They made me feel a hundred years old. Oh wow. I listened to that. I'm like, fuck, Jesus Christ, Bruce, take it easy. It's like right after Hungry Heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like how do you like what? It's literally like right on the same side. Yeah. I'm like, this guy's schizophrenic. Yeah. And how long between so I was married six years, then I was married nine years, eleven months, and like uh nine, yeah, like right up on that 10-year window . And then like all both times the next person came kind of oddly quickly. Yeah. It wasn't like, oh, you're on the rebound. It was like, no, obviously we're married ten years. Obviously it was meant to be, right? Yeah. How long between the divorce and we met uh four years. Oh, so you did all your fucking Oh yeah. No Oh no, I you know I tell you I'm really I 'm clean legs just out there with those clean legs. Yeah, with these clean legs. Once these ladies see this these sleek swimmers gams. Uh those are gams. Yeah . Those are gams. You're the bams. I should have worn long pants. No, it's cold out here by the beach by the beach. Uh it is freezing. I uh I I wanna s no, because I guess we met my wife and I met in the beginning of 2022. So I had been single three years. I'd been single three years. And then we got married in 2023. But we got engaged really fast. And I and and it was it we got engaged really fast to the point where I was kind of like, is this too fast? But no. I've never thought that in my li and I well because also too, we're both she's only nine years younger than me. And uh so we're both grown-ups. She'd never been married before. She, you know , had her own business for years. She lived in London for , you know, she's like a full-on grown-up woman. And one of the things what like one of the moments that I had in falling in love with her was like this realization because she had a child that she'd had, you know, our daughter she already had, and she had had her on her own. And I had this moment, this realization once where it was like, she does not need me at all. I am just like added value to her life. And so and I had not encountered that, you know. How old was the daughter when you met the mom she was uh year and three quarter something like that perfect yeah yeah so you're you're in on the ground floor of that investment she and when she started calling I mean we got engaged and and I never you know I was gonna you know let her come to me basically but when like Jen started encouraged her to call me daddy and she started calling me daddy and I was yeah I mean when she I was a little bit like oh okay, all right. But when she learned to talk, yeah, that's when she called you daddy. Well she already could do that. Like you gave her best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's a huge and I mean and there was and I also too her name's Cornelia. She was born uh February she's a leap day baby. She was born February twenty-ninth, twenty twenty. That's crazy. So the lockdown happened two weeks after she's b orn. And so the world shut down. So this child was raised by my wife, and then her sister moved in with her. Uh, because my wife's from here. Her sister moved in with her, and she just had her mom and her aunt for the longest time. And there was like some kid in they you know they got their bubble or their circle or whatever we were calling it. And she did have one little kid she played with. But when I showed up, she did run that fucking house and she was like a negotiator. Like everything was Cornelia was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just all these negotiations. And I mean, I'm not like I'm a I'm a you know, I I I realize like I'm going to have to be the hammer here. Like there has to be a hammer. It's my least favorite role. And and I'm not like big into that, but I certainly can do it because I also too having older kids, I realize that when you when a child knows that they're not like a child running a house, like that's not good for the kid, mainly because no child wants to feel like there isn't someone holding, you know, like they're they're not being , you know, like they need a container. And the parents have to be the container of their life that's like, no, no, you're not in charge, I'm in charge. And that allows the child to feel safe. Because if the child's in charge of a household, that's not a feeling of safety, you know. I got new my 14-year-old's kind of in charge of this house. Yeah. He he really runs the gut. Yeah, yeah. He's the master negotiator. Child of divorce. Back at he's here Monday to Friday. He goes to his mom's on the weekends. Yeah. Only because the school's right around the So he's one of these guys, like, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna pick you up from school at 10 a.m. to bring you to your doctor's appointment. Okay, great. So hold on a second. Why do I have to go to school then? Because that's, you know, from 8 30 to 10, he goes, but that's ridiculous. Like that's an hour and I'm not gonna be able to focus. But but okay, stay home. I'll take you to doctor's office. It goes and then you bring him back to school. I great. Why and then but everything's like perfect like four hours after the fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why am I going back to school though? Like what it I mean, I'm only gonna be going back for two hours. Yeah, yeah. And then it just be it really comes down to like what hill do you want to die on? Yeah, yeah. And I just I'm such a lousy hammer. I am such a pushover. I think it's because when I was on drugs I was a big yeller like my you guys shut up and fucking pipe down and now I'm just like I don't fucking know do whatever you gotta do I used to snort Adderall off my toilet seat like obviously I don't make t so when you and Charlotte get divorced, how long do you think it'll be before you see another woman? Uh I'll probably it'll probably be pretty quick. I sh I hope I'm old at that point. And then If you divorce Charlotte, I'm gonna hire her. No, she'll divorce me. To be a ring girl, just walking around here with like how many the 10 minute increments just I remember my sister my sister uh who was divorced once told me at one point like when I was right in the middle of leaving , she told me, uh, she's like, It'll be it'll be a while before you really I think you're comfortable dating and I was like, Oh really? And she said, Yeah, like a couple of three years and I was like, What the fuck are you talking about? But she wasn't wrong in terms of like uh emotionally ready and kind of like actually sort of uh not a mess. You know, it took me a couple of years to not be a mess still. Yeah. You know even when you know the relationship's over, you really are broken. And it took me about four or five years to get completely out of the spider web. Yeah. Like it affected every part of my being. When you and by the way, dating as a 55-year-old guy, terrifying. Yeah. Like I gotta meet a stranger. They always want to meet for coffee. Yeah, yeah. Like if you're on a dating app , they're like, that's great, let's meet for coffee. I'm like, I don't know how to say this, but when I have coffee, I gotta take a shit. So you're just telling me you're just going through shit. You're just sitting there telling me about your family and I'm just gripping the table like this. And maybe she was like, yes, I know. Oh freaky deeky . So yeah, and then like when do I lean into kiss and this? Am I like everything is so terrifying? I can see me getting into way more transactional relationships. Yeah. If I was single. Although I did find I did find dating in I'm not giving anybody my heart again. Like it's too much. Uh I no, the see that I wasn't w that I'm not worried about. But the dating dating I did find I did find like there was sort of a level like from when I was younger, like there is this you were all just like, well we're gonna fuck, right? 'Cause I mean that is like why would we do this if there wasn't like some possibility of fucking I mean we're gonna fuck. And I did find that that was like much more like it was and I didn't know going into it, but it did seem like there was like, well yeah yeahah ye but sometimes we're all up for that that's what we're here for but Andy sometimes the answer is no and you're like then what the fuck are we you're in my hotel room like I'm on the road we hung out all you think I really wanted to watch ridiculousness with a stranger for two hours? Oh, that is funny. We're on the 22nd floor . Like it's mind-blowing. The chicks are like I'm not here for. She changed her mind Or they accuse you of rape. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, I mean we might want to edit that out. Jesus then. Yeah, yeah. That was yeah. Yeah, boy. No, that's not that's not tweets. That are you know , it I have to I have to make it that How about this when you're with somebody ever be on a date with this person? Like before they speak every time I dated a girl once and every time she spoke, she said, Can I ask you something? And every time I'm like , You just did. Like we're driving to barsto. Just fucking talk. You know what I mean? Have you ever been with that? Like, can I ask you something? Bobby Lee does it constantly on his own podcast. Go can I can I just say something? Can I it's like it's your show.. Yeah, yeah What the fuck ? Yeah, yeah. What do you need the preamble for? Oh my god. My older stupid Bobby. My older kids like will be, you know, like across the room and I'm already laughing. And I and it'll be like dad and I you know and it's just but after that happens for thirty days in a row three times a day it's like you just ask your fucking question . What do you want? You know. Do you have two boys or a boy and a girl? Yes. I have a twenty five year old son and a twenty year old daughter and then the six year old. She just turned six. Oh She's I know she's your favorite, be honest. No, uh no honesty there's no favorites. There's no favorites, but I mean she's the baby. She's a big year old. I keep I I'm like Devon Ericks, like the t how many how many kids do you have? Twenty three two boys, twenty three and fourteen. Different moms because I like to fuck, you know. Yeah, yeah, sure. Right, right, right. Do you have this one like erratic? My fourteen year old con look no anything he's doing is there's an announcement. Yeah, I'm gonna take a shower now. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Like should I pause the TV? My my twenty five year old will call me and and he'll he he lives with us now and he he'll call me and he'll just be like Okay, uh I'm coming back from West Hollywood . I might stop and uh pick up some groceries, but I shouldn't be home and uh you're like I'll be home in like an hour and a half. And I and I always am just like you you're twenty five, you do whatever the fuck show up whenever you you want, know. I love that he found love. I heard you talking about that with Neil. With uh Your oldest son? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's wonderful. Yeah. And the I used to do that with my wife when I got sober. And it like, okay, I'm here and now I'm going here, and then I'm gonna go here. And it wasn't till we did we did couples counseling before we got married, just everything was fine. It's like, let's just make sure that's nothing wrong with that. Let's sweep the room before we move in, right? That's another one of my pet peeves is people who were like c couples counseling is when things go wrong, like no second wife that's like that's like you know, saying like well I didn't have cancer before I went to the hospital. Like yeah, you had cancer and you went to the hospital and they told you you got cancer, you know? There's a great AA joke where a guy goes, uh there's an alcoholic, he dies a horrible alcoholic death, and all his drinking buddies are at his casket. And they go, I can't believe he died from drinking. They go, I know. And the one guy goes did he ever try AA he goes it wasn't no it wasn't that bad I love that joke I love all alcoholic jokes but when I got sober I would tell her everywhere I was going and then in couples counseling she just goes, he's always telling me where he is. Like, what is that? Like, for her, I was the old me was like needling her. Yeah, but it was it was actually maybe this with your son. I'm actually where I say I'm going to be all the time now. It's like a whole, I don't think your son's like that, but I'm just like, no, I'm actually a man of my word. Yeah. Maybe I think I got a reward from it too. So maybe your son's just keeping the shit it's like being. Yeah, I don't know. He's always been a warrior. He's been a warrior since he was a little kid, you know. So I think he just is always like nervous that he's doing something wrong, you know. So I h knowate that, I know, I. How do you deal with that as a dad? Your kids are. I tell him relax. How old was he when he when he was like, just so you know, I'm I'm gay and I'm I'm Oh, uh he was 11. That's great. Yeah. When he he was eleven and as I like to say, he came out to me when he was eleven and then we didn't speak of it for eight or nine years. It was just like, you know, they're just I because he's he's uh he's real he's a tough nut to crack. Like you can't when you want to talk to him about you know, something's going on in his life and you know something's going on in his life, he will even say something's going on with X, Y, and Z and, you' go, okay, lets talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. And, you know, and then and now he's at the point he's old enough too where it's I can say, you know it's good to talk about it. I know, I still don't want to talk about it . The balls on an eleven year old. Yeah. Like ab more than you and I have I mean we're in show business and we don't know that kind of balls. Yeah. I don't I I think it just like it wasn't even uh it was I I think he just grew up I think part of it was growing up in Los Angeles. They're just it's not the same as growing up other places with a bunch of homophobic little shits. It really is different. It's very different . I think it's a lot easier. My son doesn't know racism, homophobe. He just does not there's a girl in the school that's a furry. Really? She wears like ears and tails every day. I go, I go, is that kid trans? He goes, nah, she's a furry. I think she's a fox or something. Yeah, yeah. Just doesn't give a shit. No, well they I mean when they started to get beating that child to death when I was a big though she's just like the teen years of like of the teen years of like when they were like there were lots of gender fluid kids that my kids grew up with who may maybe are now or maybe aren't, but it's they were so it was so easy to them. There was no question, like, oh well okay. They're they them. That just not even nothing sticking, you know. I got a problem with the they them. Robbie Hoffman does a funny bit about like she's what happened to that? Nobody's that anymore. So if we really blew it, she says, right? She's like, boy, did we blow it? Yeah, yeah. We we should get Robbie Hoffman on. I don't think she's gonna be this interesting. But certainly we'll get a Jew, a gay, and a woman in one shot. And that's we're really checking boxes. You sure are. We're in the clear . Jay Moore here to tell you about Blue Chew. Time for you to get bonered up for your partner. 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Don't miss Sol de Janeiro's Limit ed edition perfume mist collection. Only at Sephora . What was your favorite toy growing up? Or like the best Christmas thing we were like. Holy shit. The one the one that came to mind instantly was uh there was a Mattel knockoff G.I. Joe group called Big Jim. Do you remember Big Jim? And then and then at first he was just kind of like uh like like such a butch you know like the brawny paper towel guy where na as an adult you're like that guy's gay and that like big gym with you know like flannel shirt, big muscles, maybe a mustache, no offense. And uh and and but then it became like a squad, like a sort of uh big Jim, and I think you all know Kevin. Equal No, it was there it it became like an equal opportunity kind of uh hit squad. Like there was a munitions guy. And then I remember there was a like village people. A nat yes, there was a native American and they were all like specialists in different sort of you know, like one had a bow and arrow and one blew shit up and one had all kinds of guns. I don't remember. But I had those Oh boy. Yeah, here it big Jim Wolf. Yeah. Big Jim Wolf. This isn't pr and there's plenty of gay things next to it. Like it literally sent me to another big Jim Wolf. Oh did it . Oh dear. Oh my gold medal big jack. That's a different man entirely. All right. The I never heard of that, but you heard of it. Yeah. Yeah. It was how old are you? Forty six. Okay. Well I'm not sure but very poor. Yeah. And so they were all in front thrift stores. It was like see your friends who had the knockoff clothes. Oh, you want to play Big Jim? And you're like, Yeah. You don't have G.I. Joe? We had we had neighbor we had neighbors that had like an ama like now would be worth thousands and thousands of dollars array of G of G.I. Joe shit. Like just really cool, like and and it at that point, like was old then, like I don't even know if it was like their dad's or whatever, but they had so much G.I. Joe stuff. Do you think Big Jim's worth anything now? Probably not. I know a toy guy. I'll mail you one. I don't think any no, no, no. I don't know you're gonna like me more than you like me right now . I'll buy your love. Oh sh yeah yeah bro so every morning Jeannie and I put the dogs in a stroller because they won't walk. Right. Our dogs. They're small and they won't walk. But if we take them away from home, take them out of the stroller and walk home, they'll follow us panic stricken. Right, right. But I started carrying ever since we got that sponsor Sundays for Dogs, I carry it in my pocket in the morning. And I'm like the Pied Piper of the neighborhood. The dogs see me and they just go fucking growth. Right, but I'm such an alcoholic. A part of me is like, why can't why can't this dog just like me for me? Why why does this have to be a transaction al like I'm a great guy, like I love dogs so much and I gotta give him a fucking treat to get his attention. Fuck that guy. He's not getting treats today. Right. I don't like French Bulldogs anyway. My bike as it growing up in suburban Illinois, uh you must have was that suburban Chicago? Um it was further out. It was like Indiana-ish? No, no, it was straight west. But it like when you start to get to be feel, you know, I think there was great wrestling out there. Yeah. High school wrestling must have been nuts. Our town, our team went to state with our head coach, Dennis Hastert. Jesus Christ. That's a wonderful name from the past. I have a wide stance. You know who Dennis Hastert is? Yeah, didn't he get busted at a urinal? Speaker of the speaker of the house. No, not at a urinal. Uh it's really horrible, but uh he was a speaker of the house uh you know, cause he went from high school coach, high school civics teacher to state house, then to the house of representatives, and then became speaker of the house. Great climb. When all that. It was also too, it was like it was Clinton, you know, sex stuff and then like everybody when the Republicans took over the house, everyone that was gonna that was in line to be speaker had a sex scand Oh, I there's a sex scandal. And I think Larry Flint was offering people money to expose Republicans with and so Dennis Haster seemed to be the one like well the he's you, know, so squeaky clean, but it turned out that no, he had been scandal though. He was a boys abusing boys to the po and I mean and I don't want to bum out your podcast, but it was pretty fucking awful. It's pretty aw ful. Wow. And and when that all came out too watch this. Crossing them out. I remember I remember and he's like he and like he and I are like the two most famous people from our town. What is your town, sir? Uh Yorkville, Illinois. Your high school mascot was the The Fox, 'cause we were on the Fox River. We were the Yorkville Foxes. Yeah, I got a theory about I'm a you know, I'm a wrestler and a coach, and it's like you you show me a metropolis, you drive an hour and a half into the sticks, that's where all the wrestlers are. That's where the wrestlers are. I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah. Like if you go to Port Jefferson, Long Island from Manhattan, if you go like to Joliet or you go out where you are, yeah. LA, you go out to like Cow Poly, like they're they're fucking animals. Like they're actual they're not like you and I. Yeah. Like they'll just run for ten miles to warm up and you're like, I just I just want to varsity. I just I remember wrestlers too wearing rubber suits to cut weight. Like really unhealthy shit. Like around school. Like guys wearing like like rubber I mean and rubber . It was it was uh it it yeah no it was but they yeah no it was a big wrestling school. Who was who was the senator or congressman that got busted soliciting cock at a urinal and he's like, No, no, no, no. Eagles, no, I just have a really wide stance. A wide stance while I'm shitting. Uh power lifter. I can't remember his name. But he's so in uh it was I thought you were checking your DMs was the Minneapolis airport. I think he was from Minnesota, I think. But he couldn't stance out because I have a wired stance . Yeah. Do you ever see when I remember that name? It's funny. I yeah. Do you ever see when Carl Lewis did the national anthem? Uh-uh. And he's like, it's horrible. Like it goes really south and then in the middle of it he just goes, uh oh . Remember that? And the Rockets Red. Glare. Uh oh . Uh oh . Have you ever thrown out a first pitch? I have at uh Cubs game. Oh wow. You went big. It was fun. Yeah.ah, ye How'd you do? Uh I did okay. I it was a little high, but it was fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just don't bounce it. Yeah, no. It didn't bounce. It was a little high, and it wasn't like real fast, but it was enough. I was like the cheer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean it was like it wasn't like there was no arc to it, you know. I mean I actually threw a great a pitch and it was a little high, but you know. How complet ely insane a feeling is that standing Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like if you have to shoot a free throw in front of a crowd or something, like the ball is completely foreign. It's like you came from another planet or you go to another planet and they just hand you crystals and they're like we need you to drive us home. Yeah yeah it's like it's the crazy you're holding a baseball and you're like uh orc smash that you know that I have I have the ability and it mostly has come out in golf because I play golf. I haven't played in a while, but uh but I would whenever I would play and I would frequently play you know you're when I first moved here , my kids were smaller, I would play at these like charity things where you got to play golf at like really beautiful country clubs and you'd play with like four strangers and you were sort of the entertainment for for you know for charities and sometimes they were big and they would have camera crews there like from the golf network or whatever and like I was there with there was one where they followed me. Oh, they came up and they said, Can we f and it was the 18th at Riviera, which is like one of the big finishing holes in the And they're like, Do you mind if we uh follow you? And I was like, Oh fuck . Okay, yeah, sure. I parted. My man. I j it just and I and whenever that's happened I fucking director right now with cameras around me. Like there's something about it. I like I my you know my attention is like pouring soup onto a table. It's just everywhere. But when when uh like there's a camera or something, like I can go like all right, I gotta fucking I get it. I can hyper focus for a short amount of time. Well that's why you're a great comedic actor and comedian like that's our thing. Th yeah. Than I well, and I've noticed it too with voiceovers. Like I can you know, I'll fumble through talking to you, but they put copy in my hand and they go do three in a row. Yeah, we gotta move on. Or you get this one like, uh we this is the last shot. We're we have no more light, so you just have to get it. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. I remember filming a remote for more sports. It was Roxy Surf School for Girls. We went and did a remote over there. And they're like, oh, we're just gonna film you getting up. And it's like, I never surfed before. Couldn't do it. And they're like, all right. And they're waving me and like, we gotta go. And I was like, fuck that. I gotta get this. Got up. And then I watched the tape. Somebody push my board from behind to help me . A girl, like a 12-year-old girl. The when I was a kid about the favorite toys, like the bite, what I was gonna say is growing up rural, rural ish, suburban like you did. It's like there's nothing I've ever owned with more value, Rolexes, homes than that BMX bike that you took everywhere. Yeah, yeah. And and left it in the front yard overnight, sprinklers fucking making it rust out. Yeah, yeah. And then just letting anybody ride it for whoever. And there's always that one kid that goes, my dad says no one can ride it. You're like, get the fuck out. Yeah, yeah. That's the kid when they hand out snacks in school, they go, I'm saving it for later. I think I might just be a little bit too old for BMX to have like remote. We got like the Huffy, the banana seat. My my brother had a yellow Schw in uh with a banana seat, whatever that was. Stingray. You get chicks on it. Yeah, and it was and it might even have been called like something banana, you know, like it might even have had some like go ofy name. But that was his bike. And then it kind of became our bike. That I fucking loved and wrote, you know, and that was like that was like not even it wasn't a cool bike. It's like a lady bike. You know, I mean it's it's you know, it's like it's the Schwinn. It's the classic Schwin with like the green and white seat with the spring. Yeah. I wish I had that red line still with I had a red line bike, blue tires. We always put like a number on the front, like we just got off the track. Yeah, yeah, sure. I remember my dad made talk about a lady bike. My first bike, I was probably seven or eight. My dad took parts from my sister's bikes and make, we were not didn't have a lot of money. Yeah, yeah. Made me a bike . Wow. So it's two different colors because it's two different bikes. Lady bike bike, you know, no crossbar. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. But he took like mailbox lettering and on the bar he put JJ Moore. He put my name on it. Yeah, yeah. And I remember ri This is so humiliating. I remember riding that bike around the neighborhood, people going laughing at me in this gay bike, going, JJ Moore. And me thinking, well, they finally acknowledging me. They already they f like I'm just like, you know, Eva Peron waving from the balcony. And it wasn't till like it wasn't till I was like 15 thinking back, I'm like, oh, they were mocking me. Well, and also too to have your name so prominently displayed is like child abductor catnip. I know. But we were different then Jay Moore. Cookie. Yeah, but child abductors couldn't do shit with us because we would have tortured them. I remember riding our bikes to like other towns because girls in our town wouldn't talk to us. We were probably seventh, eighth grade. First of all, the idea of my son taking his bike here and going to like Sherman Oaks, horrifying. Absolutely. But we just did it all the time on the highway, crossing highways. Yeah. And there was a guy, we're coming back, we're going through Caldwell, New Jersey, and we're going through Dunkin' Donuts parking lot. And there's a guy in a pacer car, and he's just jacking off, watching us, right? We're just doing jumps and shit. And he's just sitting in his car jacking off. We circled his car. And pointed at him like, ah, he's fucking jacking off. Like you would think your kid would go, I gotta get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in there like, I usually have to pay for this. And when he left, we followed him we just followed him and now in hindsight he didn't drive very fast like oh don't lose him don't lose him i got eight little sweaty toehead blondes following me on the stupid butt. You've always you've kept your blonde hair into adulthood. That's kind of a rare hot guy thing. I well, you know what? It's it's turning gray and so it's kind of looking more blonde. Like as it it's it's kinda turned gray and uh uh Why so negative, Andy? I know. It's just it's true. No, because my kids, what I would s my older kids, when I would say that I was blonde, they'd be like, Your hair's not blonde. It's brown. It's blonde dude yeah it's always been blonde yeah you were always such a nice guy to me it it and but I wanted to go back to when you were talking about sixth floor I'm gonna get through this whole hour without ever mentioning that part of your life. But I will say this. Yeah. You know, working on SNL, it's so dreary. Yeah. It's the, it's, it's like , it's dreary. Yeah. It's real. And it's crushing weight. And I think and you were there at a time when it seemed to be very fractured. Like they're very like different different factions working in different darkened corners, wondering what the other ones would be. I think it was Fred Wolf who told me it's either performance-based or it's writer-based. When it's writer-based, it sucks. When it's performance-based, the writers are always pissed off, but the show goes sky high. Like Martin Short doing Ed Grimley is not exactly a guy from Harvard. Yeah, yeah. Just banging out a perfect sketch. Like, and then I'll dance like this. Yeah. And mention Pat Sajak and bing bang boom. So but it was just oppressive. And you're right, it was because it was like half performer because you had Farley and you had Phil yeah so ri and Sandler and like nonsense over here and then you had all these Harvard and Brown guys over here. So I I never really got that until you just said it like that makes a lot of sense but the point I was gonna make is 17th floor just fucking gray oppressive stress panic snowstorm outside we're just stuck here not but then when you go to the sixth floor, NBC , it's it's like Gattaca. It's like the most bright. Hey, every everything on the wall, everyone's got a cup of coffee, and they're smiling. Like the morning show, they're like, Everything's great here. Yeah, you should live here with us. Yeah. And I remember like any time I was able to see you on the sixth floor just come it literally when you get off the elevator, it's like the sun comes out. Yeah. They really went out of the way. I guess that's all morning things. Like when you hit the road and you're like good morning Poughkeepsie like everything's great here in Poughkeepsie. Well I mean we were part of across the hall to was you know uh uh Good Day LA yeah so it was there was like a magazine news show. But I do think that like we did have it uh 'cause our our offices were on the ninth floor on the sixth Avenue side. And it was and in the beginning it was a it was grinding. It was it was it was rough and it was like long but 'cause we just didn't Rough 'cause you didn't know how? 'Cause we we had w we worked hours and hours and hours in the show . When the show started, we were five days a week, forty seven weeks a year, which is a lot of television. It's a lot of television. And um and there were times when I was doing it too, especially when I started to go out, because initially Robert Smigel, who was the head writer of the show, didn't want Conan to do remotes because that had been such a letterman thing, going out of the studio with the camera. Um and and one of the things we were very aware of in the beginning was and we would come up with ideas and go, it's very lettermany. We should it's a good idea, but it sounds too letter. I don't know how we would make it without making it just seem like a Letterman idea. So there was this like weird sort of you know uh judgment call we'd have to make. And for some reason the judgment call was made, Conan shouldn't go out and do remotes. Andy, you can go do remotes. So I went and did a bunch of remotes before Conan ever did a remote. And um there would be some like I I remember there would just was because I'd go on the weekends and shoot the remotes and then come home and edit the remotes. Because we were things I that I wrote, I had to produce, you know, and the the remotes that I shot, I had to come back. There wasn't like some writer that was just gonna edit it. I'd have to come home come back and be there till two o'clock in the morning editing it for the next day. And there was like one stretch where I realized it it was something like thirty-four days in a row like I I w that was working. Like either I was out shooting something or or actually doing the show and just you know, it just stacked up. But if you can space that I don't know there's a time in my life where I'm happier . Like if I just have A remote and I have to edit and I got another guy there where I'm like, because I'm not a good A to Z guy, but if you show me your alphabet, I can go, I I think you want the M to go with the L. I know what you mean. Yeah, like that's really like my happiest. Yeah. And like creating something like that. But 34 days in a row is bonk. It was it was rough and it was very stressful and uh like I get euphoric when I'm I'm realizing now in real time, like I get like tears in my eyes happy. You really? Yeah. When you just gotta knuckle down and do nothing but work, you mean? Like that's just like a thing that I get to create. Oh yeah. Because you I like that you mentioned this on the were you finished with what you're saying by the way? Yeah I don't know. I'm used to it with you, Jay. More as Doug Benson says they should call this more digressions . The um the the thing with uh and of course I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh, when you said on Neil Brennan about thinking of something on the subway, yeah, bringing it to the writers, and it just being on TV that night. Yeah. I I gotta think that's where I was going with this. I gotta think that filled you with that feeling too. That was that was complete euphoria. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's and that was and when I went back to work for Conan on the tonight show, that was a easy call 'cause I had been out here , I'd done three sitcoms that uh you know, I was the s the star of That's fun too. Uh no, that was really fun. It was really fun and you know to rub your fingers together like this when you get a signal to go . But well, but it it is there, you you get presented with things like Andy Richter controls the universe was the first one, and everybody, you know, it was like everybody loved it. It was before it's before its time and all this stuff. Story mind we you know we we had two mid seasons. So it was like I you know it was like and I couldn't do anything else really. So it was like I was mak ing my year with six episodes of TV and you know, you get paid piecemeal. And and then the next show that I did was a show called Quintuplets, which was just like this kind of wrong No, Andy Barker P.I. was the two I know very well. Quintuplets was. I don't even know what you're talking about. It was on one C it was like, you know, my pattern was to try and pitch a show on my own and then when that fell apart, then take a job in another TV show. And that was I had a after Andy Richter controls the universe got canned , I had a show that I was developing and that I was and then it it faded away. And then it was like, well, here, here's the lead on this, on this show that somebody else wrote, and that you know, you're not a producer on I just was an actor on it. Great. And um mm oh and uh you didn't you know and that was twenty two episodes and that was like the most television money I'd made, like the highest concentration, but it was like the least satisfying and in fact kind of like frustrating at a time. What was frustrating about it? Because I have the opposite experience . There was I like there was a moment and I also too I'm I was used to I was used to starting out with Conan in New York. It was a very very sort of direct line from doing improv. Like and doing improv in Chicago with a group of people or putting together comedy shows of people where y'all pitch in, it's a group activity, you know, there's no big stars, there's no sort of divisions of labor. You're all putting together the fucking show. And everybody, you know, everybody has their strengths and weaknesses. So you're gonna do, you know, like this guy sings or whatever. And then you get I got to New York, same thing. Writers are performers. And uh, you know, Conan is in the room with us writing the thing. He's a writer, he understands writing. We put the thing together. And and also too, I had a very the big the best gift he ever gave me was that he sort of I was the guy like everybody needs a th because I write things and I'm like, is this funny? And I need somebody I trust to go, yes, it is. Or eh, it's not that great. I was that to him. Like I was his the guy where you just go, yeah, yeah, we're monologue jokes. We'd sit in a monologue meeting and he'd say a joke and he'd look at me and I'd go, Yeah, that's good. You know, or or that oh, that's great, or you know, whatever. Or I also got I also got good at triage on it on the set. There's a bit, something's not working with it. Let's try fixing the ending, you know. So that was like he that's euphoria too. He entered me, he gave me that that gift to let me be that and let me gain a sense of poise about uh in doing that. So I come out here and it there's this division of labor, the the writers say, you know, the writers put the words in the performer's mouth and if a performer says, this line isn't funny, it's like fuck you, just say it. And I and my feeling like with all these writer rooms, because I would get and I would get a pat on the head from some of these motherfuckers, and I'd be like, if you want to have a funny off, let's fucking go, man. Because fuck you. Don't you dare condescend to me about like about comedy, about putting fucking comedy on television. Because at that point, I And um the thing about this Quintuplet show was basically I got there and I'm I'm my attitude with with these shows is always like I don't need a big credit. You know, like even the shows that I produced on that I was a writer on, I never wrote an episode because that's taking e episode money out of somebody's pocket. You know, there's an episode fee that the writers are paid. So if there's twelve episodes and I write one of them, that's it that's a an episode fee that one of the other writers isn't getting. I don't need the episode fee. I'm getting paid because I'm on the show. So I I um but I my attitude was always if this is a comedy, it if we're move If we're moving heavy things, I have muscles. I have I have comedy muscles that I was born with, and also ones that I have trained. So if we're doing funny stuff, let me help. And there was a moment in that show where we were shooting in Quintuplets, we were shooting uh we were shooting scenes in but without the audience. You know, like five kids, Joe. You know I know he's lost. What else as a an aside to the the previous uh pilot season I was told I was too young to have uh teenagers, and then the next season I had five. Of course you uh but TV But I we were shooting scenes uh without an audience, you know, like because some just to save time, they started to have like some scenes be pre-shot and they just show them to the audience. And it's one of those days the writers are sitting on the the living room set, on the sort of the home base set. And it it's kind of half dark uh 'cause they're not shooting on that set. And they're pitching they're pitching on something, on a rewrite on the next scene. I have a cup of coffee in my hand and I just walk up to the circle and I I'm hearing them actively pitching. I walk up to the circle and I just sort of stand there, you know, like to observe, comes to a screeching fucking halt. And the guy that uh runs the show goes , uh, can we help you with something? Is there something that you need? Fuck that guy. And I went no, no, no, no. I'm right. I'll all alright. And and I just went out to my trailer and it was such a fucking bummer. It was so that is a bummer. I'm bummed out now. So fucking frustrating and like, you know, infuriating to me. And then another few episodes. They never saw that golf video that you made. No, they certainly didn't respect your muscles. But they uh another few episodes in , I'm talking to the guy and I pitch an episode. Cause uh mainly because I it was three boys and two girls, and I told him I've never had a scene alone with my two daughters. Like I've you know, like if there was a scene with the daughters, it was the mom. And if it was a scene with the boys, it was it was the dad and just dumb gender shit. And I was like, I and also I loved the actresses that were played my daughters. They were fucking hilarious and great. I was like, I was like, let me have a scene with my daughters. And he's kind of like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Well, what what what what could we do? And I was like, eh, this and this and this. And it worked. And the they based, you know, that plot, it was like the A plot. They that became the A-plot. And it worked. And I was just like, yeah. And then after as we're shooting that episode and it's working and they bring in Phyllis Diller to play a role in it, which I was so fucking thrilled with, he says to me, hey this was really great. Uh if you have any other ideas, you know, just let me know. And I was like, oh yeah, I will . You're already you get nothing. Hey look, there's a dog. Oh my goodness. I just had my dinner. Who are you? What kind of dog do you have now? I have two dogs. I have a hundred and twenty-five-pound dog and a seven-pound dog. Is this one? Oh no. She's she's a little dodgy. I got a Pomeranian that's too chunky to come down the stairs. That's the one you'd fall in love with. I'll show it to you when we're done. That tri age, that's another time where I go, oh wow, everything about SNL that almost broke me in half , I never would have gotten that education anywhere else. Like when you're on a on a stage of a sitcom with an audience getting restless and they're like, But I uh it just doesn't work. And you go, No, this goes here, give her my line. Yeah, yeah. And you don't need this whole page. Right. And they just look at you like, oh. Yeah. And then it's like, I don't care what happens after. Like, I've never felt that satisfaction before in my life. Yeah. Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. And also and it also you do you Conan and I understood the show more in a way that nobody else could really understand 'cause we stood there in front of the people and writers would s would pitch things and I'd be s just like no, , you don't know what it's like to stand in front of the people and try this particular thing that you're talking about. This will not work, or this is no fun, or the audience will not like that. You know who was in the masturbating bear suit uh Michael Gordon a writer named Michael Gordon usually you guys were usually no I think it was another study I think I think you know if he was busy or doing something I think I did notice every once in a while he was lefty. Throw son of a bitch. He's just backstage. One day. Well they were very specific. They were very specific in what sort of gesture that he could do. Yeah, yeah. Because it just ended up being like this. Which is funny to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like it's actually it's almost like as if it was like a giant clitor is and he was just slapping it. Oh now I'm hungry again . I know what I'm having for dinner. But you clitoris. Not here you ain't. You um you you just had good guys on that staff too. Like I saw Brian Kylie at the comedy magic club. Yeah, haven't seen him since then. Yeah, yeah. And it was just like bathwater, just easy. And he's exactly the same. Just same exact. I think maybe he's all fully shaved, but this in my mind he's still got that holding on for dear life hair in the back. And it Jack uh co Jack Oh no, it's Leno, never mind. But ja uh Brian Kylie, like these guys. Mike Sweeney. Mike Sweeney. I remember Mike Sweeney just being nice to an 18-year-old me at the comedy cellar. Yeah. I'd watch him being a dick to other people. Uh-huh. But then for some reason he'd be like, so how, you know, you're funny, like, don't quit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sweene y's Sweeney's so funny too because he is like such a nice, kind person. And you know, and he's been Conan's head writer or right hand person for years and years and years. And and you do you forget, but Coney got the Mark Twain prize, and there was a banquety sort of thing the night before. And Sweeney got up and he was the MC of it and different people came up and talked. It was m like really just kind of friends and like I said something and and his assistant said something and his college friend uh said something. But Mike the because it's all corporate sponsor things, and there was a table of Goldman Sachs bankers, and he fucking roasted them every time. And I was just like, oh, you forget that he is a knife. Yeah. Like he is a fucking knife. I remember at the cellar once he went on stage, and I guess I pieced this together on my drive home back to my parents' house in Jersey. Whatever girl he was seeing broke up with them for another guy and his entire set was ladies this is what you gotta watch out for in a guy if the guy's sweater has little uh on the shoulders it kind of sticks up that means he puts his sweaters on his hanger and he's a fucking loser and he just went through the and in my mind I'm like , oh my god, he just itemized everything about the guy that he hated and presented it as his said. As his set. And I'll never left. It was every time I go to put my sweater on a hanger, I think of fucking Mike Sweeney. And he had braces at like forty. He was way yeah. He was cool. Yeah, yeah. I love it. I love you. I'm so glad you're here. Oh thank you. You want to promote anything? Um You got a podcast. The greatness of you. I have uh I have a podcast called The Three Questions. Sorry. U I know I couldn't think of six or seven. Uh so I had to jump to eight. Yeah. It's well sex tuplets and septuplets and oct tuplets and then neuntzane. Then it becomes German. Nuf. Uh yeah, Nuf. So three questions. The three questions is my podcast. I'm a subscribe to this right now. It's been on uh I be it's been on since twenty nineteen Thanks for the invite. The idea was well you know what? I I wanted you to really sort of prove yourself in the podcasting world. I wanted I wanted to really make sure that you're a broadcaster. Hey now. W N B C uh No, it's the the notion of the three questions was I when I started, I I'm in therapy, I like therapy, and like you know, like Neil's Neil's podcast, Neil Brandon's blocks . It's that's po it's therapy. It's basically what's this. If there's a oh thank you. If there's a sport you know, if like a podcast is about sports, his is about therapy. And my And mine kinda is too. And the three questions, because I wanted people I the most interesting conversations, and we're kind of having one here, which is and these are the three questions, where do you come from? Where are you going and what have you learned and those that kind of introspection based on your history to me is the most interesting conversation that there is and the people that are willing to have that conversation, it's fucking great. Uh there are some people where, and I mean people that I love and super admire who have been on my podcast, and I'm kind of like, you know, well, let's talk about why you're or or just like why you are the way you are, and you realize, oh no no they there's no interest in that whatsoever. Like nope. They're just like no, I'm not doing that for you. Oh my favorite subject? Me? I'm all in. What have you learned? Uh in life. Oh um But they are work for peace. Like no matter what you're doing, you gotta think like is this is this peace or is this war? Uh especially when it comes to dealing with people . Um the other one is get better. That's that's the directive. It's never like you never get you never finished. So just get better. Just keep getting better and just trying to keep, you know, you know, more mentally healthy, more happy, better adjusted to just, you know life. And uh get better, you say. And then an and another big one that I think about a lot all the time is how much of my life I spent being scared about shit. And then it like now I'm like, what the fuck was I scared about? What was I what was I afraid of? What was I nervous about? You know, like so many things that just throw. Your son got it? Like somehow through the I don't I don't know because I tell you he was he used to when he like was three and four years old he used to tell people out of the blue do not walk on the railroad tracks. I love this guy. Like it was like okay, all right, no problem. You know, I believe this is your floor, young man. He was he was just really worried, you know. He just worries, he worries a lot, you know. I was I was worried about nuclear war with the Russians my whole childhood. I wrote letters to Ronald Reagan. Did you really? I did. Take it easy, Ron. Yeah, come on. And I also wrote letters. I sent my third, fourth, and fifth grade. The address to like uh the networks would be in the back of the almanacs in the library. So I'd be like, oh I'm gonna get on a sitcom like that Gary Coleman . Different strokes. So I would send my class and be like, and I and my big selling point was I have a space between my teeth. It's gre it's a classic look. And I'd be I It's a classic look. Yeah, I look like you know, have you heard of Michael Nastashakinsky? Have you heard of Michael Strahan? He hasn't born yet. Lauren McCall? Yeah, like that was yeah. We we it's weird the things we did. Like and I didn't even know what I wanted to do yet, but I at least put that and I wrote letters to teams and the only people that ever got back to me Chicago Bears, the entire assistant coaching staff sent me signed pictures. Wow. I was like, these guys are the best. What did you what were you writing to? What were you writing to teams about? Just I get some autographs. I love you. Oh I see. I see. Just desperate for any kind of connection . And Bob Greasy, quarterback for the Dolphins, dear John, be a good sport, Bob Greasy. I'll never my real name's John. Wow. And I was like, he spells John right, J-O-N. I still could give a shit about the Dolphins or the Bears, but I'm a horrible investment, fan wise. If they gave me dog trees. No, I was not a good sport. But I'll I'll never forget that. Bob Greasy, handwritten little no probably written by like Dennis Hassard. Three questions. I like I I'm I can't wait to listen. I'm I love I don't even listen to music anymore. I just listen to my friends on their podcast. I heard you on Neil's. Yeah. I listen to the regs a lot. Those idiots. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you came. Before Andy leaves, I just gotta say something. We've talked about your TV greatness, but you have you have maybe my most quoted movie line of all time. Which is no, you guess. Yeah . What's more vulnerable than a peach? Just it's a boat. Oh. Cav and it's so great. Yeah, I think about it all the time. Anytime he comes over, I forget what the actual name what he's asking for, but is this the Queen Mary the third? And you're like, And he's yeah, he rattles stuff like that. It's a boat. Yeah, yeah. And anytime anybody asks me anything and I just it's about . I never knew why you said that. Yeah. You said that to me a couple times. Yeah. Uh it's about. Is that one do you have a favorite thing you've ever said on camera? Uh no. Not that that I can think of. Do you have a favorite role? Um that was a pretty good one. That was that was pretty good. That wasn't actually my first role. My fur I had a small part in a in a what we at the time called the cable mov ie uh for HBO that was uh it was actually directed by Michael Ritchie who directed Smile. You know, he was kind of like a Robert Altman-esque kind of director. And um it was called the I think allegedly true adventures of the Texas cheerleader murdering mom like you remember I saw it did you see that yeah Holly Hunter's in it she's fucking amazing in it. She's but I had yeah. I had one role as like a sheriff's deputy in that and that was like the first my first movie role and I felt like I won a contest or something 'cause it just like But plus you get to dress as a sheriff. You want to wear it home i know i went well what can i go to 7 eleven like this i drove out it was like in tarzana or something out of high school tarzana and uh uh but like i drove out there and uh and and you know, had like a 10 a.m. call time or something, got there, got in my sheriff's gear, got handed a rubber gun, and the the props guy gave me such a dressing down of like if I see you pulling this. I know it's a fake gun, but if I see you pulling it out or touching it in any way I'm gonna ha make sure you s get sent home right away. Like uh you know, like the real stuff Alan and then I uh touch it oh wow . And then I uh he knew I was gonna do it. And then I I went and sat down with a bunch of other cop extra background. And uh when Holly Hunter came in because I'd seen her at the table read, she stopped and talked. She's like, Hey, how are you? How are you doing? And it was such a like a like all of the other guys like that. She's ridiculous. She really is ridiculously great? She's fantastic. She's I met her on Jerry Maguire. She was married to the DP, Yanusz Kaminski. Yeah. And I was just like, how are these two together? Yeah. Because he's like, you know, from the slums of Poland. And she's fucking Holly Hunter. Really? And he's yeah, and I didn't know him very well, but he was a a notoriously uh like goofball of a guy. Like a very funny weirdo. He said one of the best things I'll never forget it and it helped me trust directors and DPs for the rest of my life. He's like, when you do the when you go from the A to B, I need you to walk like this. I forget what it was specifically, but I I looked at him, I go , I've done it twice. It feels ridiculous. He goes, Yes, but it looks fantastic. Yeah. And I was like, Okay. Yep, yep. It's one of the things I've learned. Very little things in this world need my input. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. If I just fucking have no input, everyone lives a great life. Yeah. No, I I just worked on something recently, and there was like somebody that was asking lots of questions about why this and why that, you know, like for their character and stuff. And I just was like , just cuz, just cuz, just do it. You know, hey dad. Uh, you know, hey dad. Yeah. I'm gonna laugh all night because they're gonna both hit me with it. Dad? Dad? Across the room from each other. Taking a shower now . He won't dry his feet. What do you mean? Footprints from the bathroom to the bedroom. ever y day Dry your fucking feet. Oh my God . Everything's like, oh they well, you know, I'm the older one I'm sure it's like calming down, but yeah.