Reflecting on Progress and Future

You said it, I listened. A lot of you have been asking for me to do more around single people and money It's time to do it. I am casting a new reality series about love and money. So if you are single and you live in LA, I want to talk to you wt. com slash dating Sh. And if you got friends who are single in LA, send them the link Wt d. com slash dating showow. I don't know where to start. Like I really don't know I have no idea where your paycheck goes. Where's the money? I would be pissed, notot at her. N myself. How much credit card debt do you have? Right now, like a thousand dollars. Really? Yeah, donon't do that. How long gonna take you to pay that do? Not even a month. He sees the balance and flips out What's the problem? You know what? I don't want to talk about that. Let's take a break. What did you decide? We're here and we're ready to play ball. You're so close to living a great life, But every time it comes into picture, you're derailed. What do you think happens if the two of you keep seeing money differently for the rest of your lives resentment, possibly separation. You're married? You have a ten month old. It's time to get the locked in I could see you guys easily going on forty years and fighting about money. Dang, don't curse those. I almost ended today's session midway through, and I want you to understand why. What if you found yourself in a new country with a completely different set of rules, a totally different culture than the one you were raised with? Culture permeates every part of our lives. It tells us how we raise our children, what brand of laundry detergent we use, and who's in charge of the money? So what happens when those rules change? Today, I'm speaking with Alexis and Edwins. They're twenty nine and thirty years old. They've been married for two years and they have a ten month old baby. In her application, Alexis wrote, My husband just immigrated from the Dominican Republic less than two years ago And personal finance is completely new for him. I feel like I'm teaching him while trying to manage our household and it is overwhelming We hate fighting over money, but the cultural differences feel like we are speaking two different languages She also writes, he still operates like a single man And I hate it. There is a lot to unpack here Let's start by looking at their conscious spending plan or CSP. And if you want my help with your CSP, you can join my money coaching program at Wt dot com slash money coaching assets twelve thousand Investments forty four thousand Savings, five thousand five hundred dollars, That's quite low, especially with a baby twenty six thousand for a total net worth of thirty five thousand four hundred Fixed costs are seventy one percent, which is a little higher than I'd like to see. Investments at six percent, savings at twelve percent Guilt free spending at eleven percent. I have a lot of questions, so let's get started with Alexis and Edwins Alexis, you applied to come and speak to me? Sure did. What was going on at the very moment that you wrote that application Funny enough, I I had the tab open for probably two weeks, and I think what made me hit send on the application was an argument that we had had about trying to open a joint bank account. Remember that?. I've pushed this on him since before we even got married. We've been married for now for about two years And I've asked them this since before we got married. I think as a couple We should be able to trust each other enough to share things and money should be the primary thing. He never agreed with that. I definitely think that When I agreed to marry him and become one and create a family together I also assume that finances would be at the crux of that Being able to raise a family depends on us being able to pay for and support that family. So I thought, why not have a joint account He disagreed on that. So. What was the first time he disagreed? Was it before you got married? Yes. Okay in the last case right before you applied, walk me through that conversation. In fact, can we just recreate it? Why not? Yeah? So you said I don't want to be married if we're not going to have aint bank account And then I said That's not supposed to be a problem to have my own account and you have in your own account if the bills are paid I'm not saying you cannot have your own account. What I'm saying is we can have our own and we can have a joint loan. Why can't I have my own? personal saving and you have your own personal saving plus we save for the future And then that's how it's being. We can have that and have a joint bank account How does money flow in your relationship right now I mean, it comes in and it goes out. Who gets paid You get paid, Yeah. You also get paid. So you both have a job. Yeah. And then the money comes in where Separately separately. And then what? And then he cash outs me money. Okay. I am the billpayer. I'm the saver. How do you know how much to send her? Becauseuse I know how much you spend. Okay, how much he has to pay. So you have a number every month Yeah. How much is it? One thousand. One thousand flat. Yeah. Okay. So you take that thousand dollars and then you use it to pay bills. Yes. And that's it. That's it. Okay. Yeah. Sounds like a pretty simple system. I like simple.. Where's the problem? It's not always enough And he is very much like make it enough. So I have to hold that to one she say's not never enough, but you know what's going on? Tell me. Let me tell you this. When I first moved here, my first job was target, right? My conscience always told me like I have to get something better becausecause I always felt like less. when she's doing more And then I feel like I'm not doing anything. I was giving her like L Half of it But it was not even enough. And then I was like, but she never brought that up. When I get the other job like star making U betteret now. Yeah. She was like, Ohh, we should make join a cow. I was like Wait, why didn't tell me that before when I was working A target, what makes you change your mind now I'm making like a little, you think I'm gonna to change. I'm going to change my personality. You think I'm going to be wasting my money, you think I'm Like I'm going become a different person just because of that She was, now, I'm nervous. I think you're going be sending your money back to back home and then doing this, doing that, spending money like crazy. I said, No, why would I change? If when I was making nothing I was see myself like I was not doing enough for you Now I'm having, that's where I have to show you who I am. This is the argument that the two of you Yeah have. Yeah. And how does it end So far, we didn't still make the joint account, but you can ask her How I've been behaving myself with that I check out. I comple like mentally I just check out. I just feel like we're talking past each other because he's coming from a place of like, I'm now making more money than I was making before and I want to show you that I can be independent and I love that. And also now that you are making more money, you have more to contribute to the joint You know, the pot, the shared pot. So he's I think he's very much stuck on this idea that like when I was making less, you didn't ask me for this much. Now that I'm making more, you're asking for all these things. And I'm like, because you can actually contribute them. That's why I'm asking for them now Okay. if she wants that joint account that bad The amount that I give her I think it's enough for her too put on aside for our saving because we have a saving. Did you catch what just happened? Alexis is saying, I want us to be one unit. Edwins is saying, I don't want to lose myself. and that is part of the conflict here. See, on the surface, they are arguing about a bank account, a joint bank account. But underneath, we're really exploring trust and pride and what each of them believes that marriage is supposed to look like. Think about Alexis's perspective. money should be shared because they are building a family. For Edwins, he's got to keep his own account because it feels like proof he is responsible and independent Think about their views from their own perspectives I can kind of understand both sides, but I can also tell you, this is not working. This system where he sends her a thousand dollars and then she manages everything. And then when it's not enough, the answers is basically figure it out is not a plan. That's not collaboration And that creates a lot of resentment over time. My hope is to help them see this is not working and it's actually not normal. This is not a healthy way of dealing with money together, and there's actually a much better way to do it. The question is, can they budge on the way they look at money, on the identity that they have created for each other for marriage for money so that they can come up with a healthier dynamic. Have you too talked about your cultural differences They come up. You have a ten month old, right? Yes. Did you talk about differences in parenting culture? Yes,es. Okay. What other kinds of differences have you talked about? I think parenting and money are the main ones. Parenting and money. And family values, I think come up too That's it Don't you have a lot more cultural differences? What the hell? Oh What food? What Oh Yeah ye What do you like to do? for fun? There's like a million I could find them in ten seconds. Yeah I guess. that's. were talking about this? Yeah O does just come up When he comes up that's my answer. Yeah Iess. You talk about it In fact, maybe even talking about cultural differences is cultural itself. Yeah What do you think happens if two of you who see money differently keep seeing money differently. for the rest of your lives resentment posossibly separation. or just separate lives that are lived In tandem, but again separately. Okay. It was striking the language you used where you said, I don't want to be married If We don't combine our finances. That's the one thing I come outad about it because That's not was what I was expecting for her to say. What would you expect her to say? If I don't know something, I will learn from it Like if you know that you know more about it about money than me, I was I would prefer she said, okay, let's work on it. okay. Have you everone told you that? No Tell her now. I would like you to say Let's work on our budget better. Let's work on our saving better And then maybe let's work on our join account. What? Just stop. Don't explain it. just stop. That was great. What's your reaction? I definitely feel like you shut down when I bring up money. So when you're asking me now to work on things with you, working on things with you requires us to talk about it. So if I bring it up and you don't want to talk about it How do we work on it? If I write it down and say, remember the notebook I used to have where we would put our, you know, I get paid every Friday. I put down when I got paid, how I'm going to pay for certain specific things, how I allocate that money, I ask you to do the exact same thing. You don't do it How can we work on it? I have no idea where your paycheck goes. As I said before, I was not making enough For me. It was not like a big deal to just give her what I then The thing is In my job, I'll be spending a lot of money cooking, buying food outside and all that since Thats those are excuses Like up Why are you guys here You each have a story that you tell yourselves that you seem very committed to I used to not earn a lot of money, so therefore, XYZ, ABC You haven't I tried to do that, you didn't listen. so how are we supposed to do this? Y'all want to keep repeating these stories? Because if so, this will be a very short conversation Or do you want to create something together? We want to create together. I want to. Yeah. Yeah What I heard from Edwins was, I don't like that you talk about divorce when you're talking about money I would like you to not do that. What is your reaction to that? I agree. sometometimes I think I take things too far when I really wantna make a point and make you feel something U So I can apologize for that and I won't do that anymore. Great. yeah. How's that feel? Better, I for good. Cool. that was great. The opposite You said to Edwins, When I try to talk about money, you don't want to talk about it. When I write it in a notepad, you don't wantan to write it What is she really saying there? She's telling me, she wants to know how I spend my money, what I do with my money? No, that's not what she's saying. Listen to what she's saying, not the story that you have. The story you have is Somebody's trying to check up on me Right Yeah, Yeah. You never even said that out loud, but it's so obvious. It's written all over your face. That's a story. She's not She hasn't said that. What is she saying? She's just saying she wanted information. Yes. So what's your reaction to that I was not doing it, but I can do it. now. I can work on that. Tell her. I can work on that. Sall details Yeah But what just happened there? We're connecting. Yeah. It kind of feels good. Like what to hell? But so much of it is actually listening to what they're saying, not As soon as they start saying words You bring an old story into the picture. This is like, this is marriage, one on one Did you see what just changed? Nothing about their finances really moved, but they finally stopped arguing with the version of themselves that they had created in their heads. Alexis actually admitted that she takes it too far when she brings up divorce. and Edwins was able to see that when she asks about his money She's not actually trying to control him. She's maybe trying to understand him, which is a totally different conversation. This is why when we talk about money, we are rarely just talking about the numbers on a screen We're not talking about accounts. What we are really trying to figure out is what is our identity? What is our relationship with our partner, with money, with the way that we see the world Can we actually listen to each other without reaching for our old stories How come everybody teaches you how to save, but nobody teaches you the skill of spending money meaningfully It's a tragedy to end up older and older having atrophied at the skill of using your money to live a rich life. I need you to take this seriously. And if you need help planning your retirement and you want to go into scenarios and more specificity Check out FAett. FASet can help you make a plan that lets you use your money for the moments that matter to you. FAacet charges a flat membership fee for financial planning, never a percentage of your assets. And you get access to a team of CFP professionals always a CFP, always a fiduciary, who help you create a personalized financial plan that meets you where you are. 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They have flexible, high quality policies to fit your family's needs all with a thirty day money back guarantee And even if you have life insurance through your employer, it may not be enough to protect your family, especially if you leave your job, you get let go. Join the thousands of parents who trust fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at meetfabric d. com slash remet meetfabric. com slash remit and use my links so they know I sent you M E ET fabric. com slash remit Picies issued by Western Southern Life Insurance company not available in certain states, priceices subject to underwriting and health questions Is there a circumstance where you would combine I mean, I thought it'd be us having a kid. Maththleie would combine money, but that might not be for you. What would it be for you? First of all, I would combine my money with her for family and everything, but I'm saying for future, I see it like I go more for future, combining my money with her like makeaking business. Okay. and for family You two are a family. Yeah. You have a baby. Yeah. So would you combine your money for that Yes. Okay That sounds good. Why have you not done it yet? I do it No. I don't. No How I can do that since I don't know and I wna be clear with that. How I do that. Good question. Combining income is usually People get their paychecks Yeah and When married, they send all of the paychecks or most of the paychecks to to one place One place, One checking account and that They have a joint checking, a joint savings account And that's where all the bills are paid out of. Things like your rent or your mortgage, groceries, childcare, eating out, comes from there Then Sometimes, if people are smart and they've read my book, then they have their own individual accounts as well And so they have a little bit of money that goes to an individual account and they can go and do their hobbies or self care, whatever they like to do No questions Asets their individual money. mostost of the money when married is in the joint account So you're telling me she was right this whole time. Okay, so you're telling me When I get pay and she get pay Most of the money has to go in one place, like in the same account me and her Yes You know, we can do that. That's it. You just needed another guy to tell you that. I mean, is not even I'm like, what Dan, come on. everyvery woman watching this wants to kill you right now, but even I am like, what in the hell? You just took another guy? That's crazy, man. You know what I told you, tell me to me myself If we have the saving, what's the difference? Okay, between What she're saying the join and the saving it's like It's not the same I mean. So I'll answer that question. It's a good question. Yeah. but I guarantee that Your wife has answered this question already. What does she tell you? Yeah, saving is saving in The join is for spending and paying bills. And what was your reaction to that I didn't give her any answer to that and I didn't react bad and But not good either. Yeah. Do you trust with money? yeah. Do you trust her knowledge with money? Yeah, she's good at it. Okay. Do you respect her? I do. But if I really trust her one hundred percent with money Sime Nope, because I know she likes to buy stuff to buy. Yeahah, she's like what? I like to buy stuff too. Now if she has to go for a trip, she'll be buying a hundred stuff Using the credit card and everything. You don't like that Okay. canan I ask you a question? Yeah. because you two have not combined your money Can she afford it? U Yes and no Okay, because if she can't afford it, she wouldn't be using the credit card Oh how would she do it? She would do it with her own money. like she can use the credit card, like for me for big stuff. Yeah, not for little things like Let's say a shoe. Okay a little dress or stuff like that. Even if she has the money to pay it off. I mean That's the point. sometometimes she should be, Oh I' payid When I have it But if you know you don't have it Don't touge it Have y'all talked about this before? All the time? Okay. what's your take on it? Do you agree that you're spending On the credit card for stuff you can't afford? No. How much credit card debt do you have? Right now, like one thousand dollars. Really? Yeah, donon't do that. It's literally a thousand It's never been more than like fif thousand fifteen hundred do. was paid off. It's paid off and then I spend and then I pay it off. That's how it goes This is a really big point of contention because this goes back to, I think our cultural differences about money and the understanding of what credit means, what credit cards are, how they're meant to be used. hisis idea that using a credit card means I'm borrowing money I don't have when in reality, I have the money, but if I can also buy it on credit get cash back and then pay it right back after What's the difference? How long it going to take you to pay that tax? Not even a month. That's the point. We have a joint redit card, he's authiz user on mine and he sees the balance and flips out Not knowing that I already have the money to pay it off. Okay What's your understanding of how credit cards work? I understand the cit card point like Especially here, that's how you You build credit? Yeah So what's the problem? If she has the money to pay it off, I know she's going to pay it But u You know what Um, I don't want to talk about that. Can I share Something with you? I use my credit card every day. I use it for everything Something as small as a pack of gum, something as big as international flight I use it for everything haveave the money to pay it off. I'm not going into debt. I use it. Number one, is convenient. Just pull it out. I don't have to carry cash or all these other cards, just boom. Number two, there's protection. So if something goes wrong, I can call the credit card and get a refund. No problem, easy Three, tracking Because I spend everything in one place, I can track it, I can analyze it. It's all there Does that surprise you to hear Act know, I read that on your book. Okay. but I read it, but I didn't keep it. Yeah But now you've repeated it I I workking not But can you see how that's frustrating that Your wife has read it as well. She's using credit, we'll get to the one thousand dollars in credit card debt. But in general, using credit cards for daily purchasase is nothing wrong with that if you can afford it.. And she's told you this like many, many times and you're like, no, no, no. But then I come in and you're like, oh, okay Now, I'm going tell you this back home, I got very struggled bad in a bad way with a credit card. Okay. So since then, that stuck in my head and then I think like I kept it like it's just about Hobby. Okay. Yeah, that's it. Fair enough I can understand that You now are married and have a kid This idea of like this thing happened to me when I was younger, and so I just don't want to talk about it anymore That doesn't work. It just simply does not work. You two cannot survive as a couple, certainly not getting clarity as you told me you wanted if you are not willing to actually work together. And right now you are not I am frustrated by Edwin's approach here. It feels very unilateral. Here's what I'm doing and not collaborative at all. She's over here looking at the numbers, worrying about it, trying to communicate. and it feels like he's doing this thing where it's just like, well This is what I decided. so figure it out. At the same time, I need to acknowledge he comes from a different culture. Now how much of that culture is being brought here and how much of it is just him? That I don't know because I'm not an expert in his culture. But what I can say is it is really hard to go from one culture to another. So I want to give him a little bit of grace, but I also want to help him see that they are trying to create a successful relationship here in the US. and they need to know how to do that What I look for when I speak to couples is honesty I always promise to be honest to the people in my community, always. And you guys came a long way. to speak to me. Yeah. It's not easy to come into a studio and talk about all these numbers and issues. It's not easy I appreciate that The last thing I want to have happen is you tell me what you think I want to hear. You're actually going to resent this conversation if that is what you do And right now I get the sense you're telling me what I want to hear I don't find it believable that for years you have resisted against combining money. and then I give you two sentences and you go, okay, we. I was just confusing like between saving en joying. I just To me, it was like it was not like a big deal it was to her I didn't see it like a big deal That's what I can say. to get pay And then not having the join account to me was not like s not important. Yeah. You know, when I was single. I was living in New York. I was going out a lot. I was really enjoying being a single guy. and I had a lot of friends who were single guys too. And we enjoyed the independence of being able to go out whenever we want do whatever we want. And one by one, friends started to get into serious relationships. kind of at the age where that relationship is probably going to be the person you proposeed to. And we would talk about it. Was it feel like to not be able to do whatever we want And suddenly we have to start like, I gota check with my girlfriend. And it feels like your trauck That's one way to look at it. Or another way is like, God, I got to like think about this thing, ask for permission or just think about this thing in a way I never thought about it before Interesting language, by the way, that you said trapped can ask for permission. I wasn't gonna to go there, but okay, I'm guessing you have felt that way before Yeah, I do. Okay. Do you feel that way now? No. Okay. I think that a lot of times many women are not aware that men think about independence and freedom even as it relates to a person that they love Here's the thing Once you get married, You have to find a way to see each other as first and your unit as number one. You can still have some independence. You are still a grown man, grown woman. You need to have your own hobbies and things like that. But the marriage comes first And I can tell that that is not happening right now because even just now when I asked you, you said, well, to me, it wasn't a big deal Well, I'm not interested in just two you because you're not just a single guy anymore. You are married and in fact, you are a dad So we have to completely recalibrate the way you are thinking about money and your relationship, otherwise this conversation has to end I agree. Really? Yeah, yeah So where do you want to go from here? I want to Unite? Okay? With her? What do you w to tell her? I wanna apologize with her. C for not listening to her the way I supposed to before. and then I had to come all the way here to listen to a different person I'm sorry. Money is a big deal. That is the reason that you flew all the way here and you are here today So I appreciate the apology. I appreciate you accepting the apology. Now the question is, Can we make some progress on what you both are here for? Shall we try? do it. OkayK, I'm in. Alexis, you wrote this in your application. Ramith, we really need your help to make a realistic plan to buy a home within the next two to three years It is both of our dreams to own something in this country But it feels we may die as renters God forsaken renters. If we can't get on the same page. Wow. First of all First of all, tell us about this disgusting plague that is renters. Tell us about that I'm at war with myself about what it means to be a renter. I know renting is not that bad. There are benefits to renting But I've fallen in the trap of being a new mom with a baby and wanting a backyard and a picket fence and an SUV baby's ten months old. I know, but I'm thinking ten years down the line. I want another kid. like o I want space. I think that's what it is Can I have space? and rent. I don't I just don't see the two together That sounds so crazy And Edwins, do you feel the same way about owning a house? Yeah. You looking In my browsing? Yeah Can we take a look at the numbers What was it like to do the conscious spending plan together? We didn't do it together. Hh, Wh did it? No. You can take a guess. You did it? I did it. Yeah. Why did you not do it together? He didn't give me answers to his column So I honestly just guessed there wasn't really an opening to have a conversation to do it together. So I was just breadcrbing and putting stuff on the spreadheet by myself. I think it was just easier to do it by myself, honestly Becauseuse again, I'm the one paying all the bills, I know all the numbers already. so I just put everything out there. It's gotta be frustrating little bit I'm also a control freak so I don't mind it. Oh, I don't honestly. So what's the problem? Let's wrap it up. Well, yeah, it's annoying at times. That's it? So what? It's gota be more than annoying. It's gotta be frustrating that your husband resisted combining accounts until Another man came along and said, Hey you should do it. He goes, all right, sounds good And then The CSP, which has explicit instructions to do it together And then you couldn't your husband to do it. Am I Blow this up into something that's not or Are you frustrated at this Yeah Yeah, it is frustating. It is frustrating. Why are you not acknowledging your frustration comes across in your application very clearly. I don't wantan to make him feel guilty. There's a lot of value for him in feeling like the provider you know, the husband, the man and I think I want to I want him to have that and I want to provide that for him or like reinforce that for him But it is frustrating to that like I feel like behind closed doors, I'm doing that Edmunds, is that an issue being the provider, the man? At first I used to feel like that, but now I feel like I'm not gonna say we fifty fifty, but I can say it's like forty five and fifty Yeah. forty five fifty forty five fif for the income Yeah. Okaykay. And then What about the fact that she's doing all of the work with the money? just Don't give that much value to But she She' been doing like h, that's kind of honest. And I really heard a guy admit that before. Yeah, What if she just stopped I'll have to do it myself Yeah, why don't you? I would say just say like it's more simple for her. Oh yeah. Simple. she's better at it U I'm getting now I'm getting frustrated. No, no really? Now I'm actually getting frustrated. Go ahead, Tell me. If I literally stopped paying the bills which I've done. you don't step in to actually do them. So to say that you'll just, I'll have to do it, you don't. And then the bill doesn't get paid and then it's late And then you still don't do it. so then I just do it. So I'd rather you just sit here and I'm sorry that I'm actually getting frustrated. I don't want to like again make you feel intack the defensive But like I just you really don't care. I just feel like you don't care. I don't really like to be apologizing that much, but I'm sorry, Alysis, I'm sorry I think this goes beyond apologizing. Yeah. I actually think if we were to just wrap it up right now, What do you think would happen Things' go back to the way they already are? Yeah. I don't know if you see the dynamic between the two of you, which is Alexis, you have taken on this role of I'm going to solve things. In many ways, I'm going to be the mother figure, the parent child dynamic. And he came here from another country. He didn't understand how credit works. so like I have to do it and explain it. But then when you do He is resistant in part because of culture, which I respect, coming to a different culture, American finance is very confusing from the outside but also an unwillingness to listen I don't think you are listening to what your wife is saying Meanwhile, it goes back. You then attempt to comfort him because of this perception you have that the provider and he needs to be the man in a relationship. And a man needs to not be made to feel guilty. So you say things like, well, I'm actually a control freak. It's actually not that bad It's easier for me to do it myself So I will say, What you're doing is actually working It is working for both of you Bills get paid He doesn't have to feel guilty. You don't have to do the stuff you don't want to do because she's paying the bills and you can send money back and everybody's doing their thing. So it's working. It's getting you the results that you have for It will work until it stops working. And rather than address this, what you have both decided to do is let's go buy a house. We already got the SUV. let's go buy a house How does what I just said strike you That petrifies me. But you're the one who wrote in asking for help to buy a house. There is no universe in which I'm in a dynamic like this and I would go buy a house.. way. You know people who are in relationships that are not working and they go, you know what we need to do Have a baby And you watch them on TikTok and you go what But is that not similar to what's happening here That's exactly what's happening. I'm concerned that you're being a little too agreeable with me. You're agreeing with everything. And when that happens, especially for deeply held beliefs, then The minute you walk out of here Everybody goes back to the way they were I'm concerned. There's so much We pull one layer apart, there's another layer. then we there's another layer. And we haven't even gotten to the numbers. Like when we look at the numbers, there are things that need to change and they're going to make both of you uncomfortable But I'm not sure if you are both ready for that. You came a long way to see me. I respect that. If you tell me We want to do this together. I will do it If you tell me, I'm done I'm done too So I'man to propose we take a break The two of you are gonna have some private time together Go for a five minute walk, think about what you want to do, but I'm gonna leave the decision up to you We continue or we don't, but it can't go on like this Okay, yeep. let's take a break Honestly, at this point, I was contontemplating just ending the podcast because I didn't really know where to go. Every time I ask one question, another layer would come up. And so I ask them to actually step outside and decide if they want to be here and if they want to continue. I don't do this often, but when I ask a couple to step outside and talk about it and decide if they want to come back What I'm really doing is I am taking the reins that they have invariably handed to me and I am handing them back because I'm not here to save anybody. This conversation, while I may be facilitating or even probing, it's ultimately up to them what they want to do. Either we are here for a reason and we're going to have those hard conversations or we stop I don't mind if somebody disagrees with me. I don't mind if they see things differently. But if they tell me what they think I want to hear just so we can wrap this up, why waste the time? And I think that is Edwin's pattern agree quickly, make the discomfort go away, move on. But that doesn't work here. That's not what we are here for. And Alexis has her own pattern too. She keeps trying to persuade him to soften the message so that he understands. But she hasn't actually said This is what I need in this relationship That's why I ask them to take this break If they come back, it can't be to keep performing the same conversation. It has to be because they are ready to do the work When I was thinking about quitting my last job to do I will teach you be Rich full time I created a rule for myself. I couldn't go full time with IWT until it earned at least as much as my monthly salary for three months in a row. And this really helped me take my business seriously. Now for new business owners, I recommend somethingomet similar. 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Sign up for your one dollar one per month trial today at shhopify d. com slash Re Go to shhopify. com slash remamit That's shhopify dot com slash remi If you filed a tax extension this year, I am talking directly to you Please don't wait until October. I know it feels like it's ages away, but it's gonna to be here sooner than you think. and taking this time to plan for your taxes is a great opportunity. Don't wait until the last minute to get organized for your tax extension Instead, work with GELT to get a tax strategy in place right now. GEelT is a modern CPA firm that helps your business take control of your tax strategy year round. They help you think strategically like how to structure your business key deductions might be applicable to you and how to use the tax code appropriately. Right now they have two exclusive Q two offers. The quick hit tax meeting, a thirty minute call for business owners on extension to identify everything that needs to be done before filing. and the refund aon where Gel will go back through your recent returns and identify deductions you missed Both of these offers are only open for a limited time, so if you are self employed or you're a business owner, now is the time to get proactive about your tax strategy. The smartest tax move you can make right now is not waiting until January Gelt is taking on Q two clients now and there may be money from the past year still on the table Find out if you qualify at joingelt. com slash remet Hey guys Welcome back What did you decide We're here and we're ready to play ball. Okay, yep. Cool. What happened We talked I mean, we came all this way, we have a goal we really want to achieve together. I think we just didn't realize how hard it would be to like dig up all our past conversations and past arguments and yeah ye, it's been hard. Okay. I know you said you concern about once I walk out of here I might go back to the same thing again M, I would say that's not why we're here. We're here to make things better. So work on our future. We want to do better for us and for our families. so. I appreciate that. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate you really thinking about it Here's where I want to go I wan to look at the numbers That's gonna help me ground my understanding of what has been going on. I'm gonna ask you a lot of questions about the numbers. If you knowem, tell me the answer. If you don't know Tell me that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's look at the numbers. Alexis, can you read me the word in bold and the number next to it for this entire box, please Assets, twelve thousand. invvestments, forty four thousand three hundred sixty seven Savings, five thousand five hundred. Debt twenty six thousand four hundred and sixty eight And the total net worth is thirty five thousand three hundred and ninety nine. Okay. What do you think about those numbers? I think our assets are Decent, that's our car U invvestments, I'm proud of that and that That's the Jeep. Okay. So not bad. Edwins, what do you think about those numbers? I think We are not bad, but We can be better. Okay. Yeah. Let's take a look at the income. This time, Edwins, can you read me your combined monthly gross income, please? ten thousand two hundred fifty one. Okay. ten thousand two hundred fifty one. So you make about one hundred twenty thousand dollars per year as a household. Yeah. Did you know that? Yeah. You knew that, Alexis. Did you know that Edwins? No, No. Okay. fifty percent. Thank you for confirming my statistic. Yeah. What did you think that your household made? I was thinking about eighty eighty something. Okay. Yeah. So you make a lot more than that Yeah. thirirty grand more than that So what does that tell you? That I make good money, I would say. That I make forty grand more. Let's continue. By the way, what the hell are all these notes? It's like an essay on the side of the CSP. What is this I think those are things that like reflections, I guess I was having as I was putting the numbers there. Yeah. I think that's more just me Just let me just read some of this because this is like there's just for everybody not watching, but listening On the CSP, there's like several paragraphs of notes which is like A description, you have a son And we have a spending plan that helps us achieve our goals Edwins refuses to combine finances for ego's sake And then Alexis is frustrated. Edwins is big chilling Since he is making big money according to Dominican standards. Edwins, answer the question. Is it true that you are indeed big chillin Jesus. I was not spepecting that at all from. Yes or no. Yes or no, answer the question. I'll say yes, yeses Yes. Let the record reflect He is indeed Deep chili. All right Let's go down to the rest of it. Fixed costs What's that number right there Alexis, seventy one percent. Okay, so that's higher than we typically like to see. Usually like to see it fifty to sixty percent. Okay.ays seventy one, it's high We could probably bring that down in some way. Okay. Next up, we have Investments at six percent, okay Dad. That includes u Tw two hundred dollars a month for the baby. Putting some investment aside.. All right We have savings at twelve percent including sending money back to Dominican Republic. And then finally guilt free spending at eleven percent Is that number accurate? You spend one thousand one hundred dollars a month on guilfree spending? beating out T Amazon. Tazon. Yeah. Yeah.'s about. So these numbers are accurate. All of them. Love it Can I just say I love the confidence in that answer? All of it. That's what I want to hear. I don't need somebody to know how much they spend on lettuce every month. I don't care But when I talk to somebody and I ask them, their four key numbers And then I say, are those numbers accurate? You better say All of it. That means you know your numbers. That is impressive. well done. Okay, if this is the case, att seventy one percent What does this conscious spending plan tell you? I think we really try to balance between short term and long term fund. So savings is really important. But gut free spending is also as important. I think investment is something that I think we're both trying to learn better. So that's why it's a little bit lower, but definitely something that I really want to improve on as well. So I would say your word is balance. Yeah. We are balanced.. Okay. Edwins, what about you? U I have learned a lot from her when it comes to that. She enjoy more being out and stuff like that, but me I'm like more home person, but I do spend A lot of like more eating and I'll be spending money on food. Okay, so that's where you see your expenses. Yeah. And also also personal stuff, like clothes and shoes stuff. Where's that? Um, Clothes here, I see one hundred and fifty dollars a month. o, And that would be shoes as well. Yeah. yeah l'ess include shoes All right But it's interesting that when I asked, what does the CSP tell me about you as a couple, I heard balance. And then from you, I heard, I like to buy shoes and eat I think what you're probably noticing is like this recurring pattern you have of answering as a single guy Yeah. I'm not interest. Can I just tell you like We have two people right here Edward's sle guy and Edwin's the married I'm actually not here to talk to Edwins his guy. Okay. So can we? Yeah, yeah. getet rid of him? my bed. All right Talk to me as Edwins the married husband and father I'll say We try to have balance for everything. Does anybody want to make a change to this? You want to make a change, Alexas. If you could change anything, what would it be brring our fixed costs down. And if we can't bring it down, then at least let's divide it up a little bit more equitably. Okay. so speaking of the equity of this. let's look at the income What's going on with the income here? One person is making ten thousand two hundred and fifty one dollars a month. Who's that That's you, Alexis Edwins What's your income Also why is it not on here? He doesn't know The thing is I didn't check my my pay tab stuff before I come here. But I would say let's say if I said how much I make every two weeks, can we get to that Maybe, but I don't really want to do the math You knew you were gonna to get your ass roasted coming here, right? You knew it Like it's You couldn't even pull out your paste out it. Honestly, like walking in here, you're lucky this is all you've gotten I'm tempted to tear your ass apart. C canan't even pull up your gross income. That's the easiest question of today You knew it was going to happen, right? Yeah. Okay Enough said, I don't need to belabor the point. You have your net which I think is because that's how much comes into the account. Yeah. Okay, cool. All jokes aside. This is the kind of thing where if y'all want to take it to the next level to be connected. Like this is actually the simplest thing of all. pulling off a pay stub. We shouldn't even be talking about it. Yeah. We should be far beyond that Cool. so I'm trying to set a standard for what we do together because this is easy.. This should be done and we have more complex things to tackle All right, All right, so your take home pay is four thousand Edwins. Yeah. Okay. and the Net income for you, Alexis is about six thousand sixix thousand, four thousand, roughly ten thousand take home. ten thousand take home, but your gross is ten thousand two hundred and fifty one. Oh because you didn't. Okay, y'all see what's going on here This is probably more like, I don't know,'m picking a number. Don't mad at me becausecause I'm wildly wrong, but it's something sixix thousand, which means your gross income is like sixteen thousand a month That's a lot more money. That's how much you made before taxes, yeah per month. Yeah, b weeekly twes too. Wit, if I yeah, six thousand yeo, that's it yeah. I don't know what your gross income is, but I know that it's att least one hundred fifty thousand dollars So considering Edwins that you thought you were making eighty, you're probably making double that. That's kind of shocking, right Where's the money? Yeah. If we're making all this money, where is it? I would be pissed. notot at her B myself? Yes We don't see the money. You only see what's in your account and then you transfer over. You don't have a unified view of your money. How can you see it if you don't all look at it? So the two of you make one hundred and twenty net That's after tax, which means you make God knows, but one fifty, one, sixty, something like that. It's a lot of money So your fixed cost is seventy one percent. let's just go through real quick. Your rent is eighteen seventy five, That's pretty low. smallmall place, but quite low. twelve percent of net. That's amazing If it were me, I'd be like, don't move. Stay there for as long as you can. What's going on right now? You're confused. Yeah, I'm kind of confused because Did you do that right? C Of course I did This is I know you don't know our numbers ' yeah, this is all right. twwelve percent of gross. Yeah, for your household, not net. Gross is amazing. and you're like, whyy is this guy saying amazing? I don't feel amazing, right? Yeah. Okay. let's That's how I'm feeling. I'm just let's be honest. I respect that. Yeah. Two things. N one. Your feelings often the same as actual numbers. Yeah. That's very common. Do know how many multimillionaires I talk to and they go o, I don't have enough R me I'm not wealthy. I'm actually just slightly making it by. You're wealthy. Oh what. Their feelings are out of touch with reality probably the same way yours are. Yeah, Okaykay We gott to go through each of them so you understand. Yeah, mayaybe at the end I might okay you open. Yeah. All right, listen up, utilities one hundred seventy fine. insurance one thousand forty three. Is that a lot Health insurance, yeah. Yeah. All right It is what it is Okay, can't do anything about that. Next up, car payment six hundred thirty. That's the Jeep. Yeah. How long until that's paid off? Hopefully l less than ten years What? No, actually, no, I think it was a seven year loan. Sven year. You got a seven year loan on a car? What? why payment was decent. What's the payment every month Like four seventy seven. it's not bad, but it is seven years. What's the interest rate? Just out of curiosity. Like seven percent. Y'all got ripped off. That might includeares though. Y'all got ripped off but you walked into it. you bought this cool jeep Cool and this sucks But you have it so you can't do anything about it. Let's move on. It could be worse Baby, this includes diapers cl Cothes and daycare. Okay, I was like diapers cost sixteen hundred bucks a month. That's included. So this is gonna go on for a while. Yeah. All right, fine. Groceries at four hundred, That's it. I don't believe that. No I would say for the grocery We can say six hundred That six hundred. Yeah. All right. That's going to change things considerably. Watch this. Watch this number up here, seventy one percent That just jumped to seventy four percent Not so rosy anymore. Clothes. I know it's not one hundred for you. How much is it per month? Clothes? Yeah. Let's say at least U hundred. Let's add more to that. because I can tell by your answer it's more. five hundred. Oh Jesus. The number now, you're at seventy nine percent fixed cost. Is that reasonable, by the way, five hundred a month? I think it is. Cothes. You go out and buy two shirts that hat. You love hats. K it four hundred. Great. four hundred Phone is forty dollars total Is that right? Someone's paying fifteen dollars a month for their phone. I'm paying you. Yeah. It's a promotion But how long does that last for? Five years What Drop the company. Visible. Visible guys. Visible. G in touch. Visibleant. I'm giving you free promo right now. That's amazing. fifteen I thought you'd say like,h, it's good for a month. I was like Oh no, five years. Five years. Okay, cool. Subbscriptions. How much are you paying in subscriptions, Edwins sixty I. So between the gym and my phone and those the sixty. No, the phone is. So how much is your gym? I pay three hundred full the whole year. Yeah All right, that's pretty reasonable Let's leave this at forty, which it was And then we have miscellaneous. It just stuff you have not counted. We always add in fifteen percent miscellaneous for stuff In this case, it's a thousand dollars a month which is a lot of money I want to point out that you're at seventy seven percent fixed costs. Let's give some context I don't mind Higher fixed costs if you have lower guilt free spending Some people are like, I want to live in a nicer place. It's important to me. We're going eat out less That's totally up to you in your case, You That's effectively what you have done But You're overspending because look, it now only allows you four hundred and thirty eight dollars a month for guilt free spending. and I know you're spending more than that So what has happened here is you're actually spending more Are you drawing into your savings Have you noticed your savings are going down? That's why. Yeah Y. And I will point out one other thing, which is You'll have a super cheap rent So if I see a super cheap rent, That means that I'm like, oh, this fixed cost entire category should probably be pretty low. because rent is the hardest thing to bring down for people But you have a super cheap rent, but then you have all these other expenses And like childcare, for example Unavoidable. But that's really expensive. So Y'all could do it But it doesn't leave you a lot of extra money. I think we have to spend less, especially for our U Personal stuff. Okay. And then save mod, I would say. Let's look at savings.. So right now your savings are at twelve percent, notot bad twelve percent, I like to see that number five to ten percent. But like if you make more, considering that the two of you make more than the average person, I like to see that number up because you can afford to save more. So twelve is good I wouldn't mind if it was like fifteen Okay I'm looking at your investments at six percent H A little low, in my opinion. you have forty four thousand. haveave you calculated how much you will have in the future. I looks like I did that a year ago. I haven't done it. what did you end up with? Close to a million. Okay. Is it enough? No. Hell no. Yeah, not at all. So how come there's no focus on increasing that number. I feel like I'm pinching right now. Have you talked about this with Edwins? We don't talk about retirement. That's not even a conversation right now. I just got them to open up a four hundred one K with this current employer. So that took a lot of like educating and explaining. Yeah And so we haven't even really gotten into it What's happening here is way bigger than just a pay stub. Alexis is not just managing the bills. She's also trying to teach Edwins how money works in a country he didn't grow up in. And that includes concepts like credit cards, four hundred one Ks, joint accounts. All of these things might seem obvious to you if you were raised around them But they're not obvious to everyone. So I want to give Edwins some grace. It is hard enough to learn an entirely new financial system while also becoming a husband, a father, building a life in a new country. Now I'll give him grace, but that doesn't mean he gets to opt out of this process Be right now Alexis is carrying the numbers and the planning and the worrying. She's takaking it all on herself. And if they want to be a real financial team, he's got to stop seeing money as something that she is in charge of. and start seeing it as something that they own together Does it feel weird to have to learn about money from your wife Um It does, but at the same time, I feel like I feel good with it because I have learned a lot from her. And then when she we'll talk about like fruit, example of four hundred one K She's like, Hey, you should open one up. What's your reaction to that? I say yes, because I of course, I want to I want to have my retirement too. Cool. Yeah. All right. You have money being set aside for this house Can you just clarify that for me We really want to own something. We've only rented for two years and again, I've also just lived with my parents before we were married. so I really haven't even lived on my own long enough. But I feel like the money that we're spending on rent Does it feel worth it And I feel like if I was to own something and have space, it just I feel like I'm actually spending my money on something. of value And so that's what I'm saving for gotot it. And the way that you are saving for a house is your It L looks like you're putting money in an investment account Partially, and I also have a high interest or high yield savings account Okay, so I see four hundred dollars a month going to retirement taxable account. R, which includes your Roth area and house fund. R. And I see a long term emergency fund of six hundred dollars a month. Yeah. And then there's another question I had on savings. Edwins, it says, sending money back to Dominican Republic for family support Tell me about that Um, I do that every Every two weeks, I send sometime I might send two hundred sixty If my son I have another son back home. Okay. if he needs like something, a little toy or something. But normally it's two hundred. Okay, so two hundred every two weeks or four hundred a month. Yeah. okay Any issue with that? So far know so far. It was a non negotiable from the beginning. I understood it and it made sense. so we always factor that into like a bill. Was there something I read in the application or something about like if you combine money, then you're concerned that she is going to check on your How much money you're sending back U yeah, that was like my personal saving. I wanted to I was like concerned about that because I felt like she was digging too much. Okay. Do doesnn't sound like it. I was just scared like to have my little saving on the side, like I feel like She would have a problem with that and then That was my concern. Was it a real concern? Yes. I told you, everything come up to my head when I switched up. When you started making a lot more money? Yeah, yeah, I was like, it's kind of weird. you started making a lot more money and then it seems like you became very protective. No, it's not protective. The way she react, I wish I recall the moment. when she It's like, oh, you finally gonna be making money You might change. Th might change. I said And then I was like, wow, why she's reacting like that? Can I tell you like if my partner was not making money for a long time. Yeah. Okay. And I was like covering a bunch of expenses. and then suddenly, she got a good job Yeah started making a lot more money First of all, I'd be really excited for her, congratulations. Let's celebrate. And then I would also be like Let's talk about it. L we got to have some of that money come towards the family. Yeah, right. But I was not against that. But that's how she I would was I was always telling her If you really want to know who you have with you That's where you prove it. to see if I'm going to contribute with things in the house. like I'm not into that. Are you not into it? Can I tell you? I respect that that is how you feel? Yeah. I wonder how much of that comes from the way you grew up. Yeah. That idea you have of Now that I'm making money, inststead of me Contributing to the family, you need to watch me because I need to prove to you that I'm not bad. That is not Conggruent with a high earning family Like that's not how a couple that makes one hundred sixty thousand dollars talks. Yeah. They don't even think that way And what I'm trying to do here is to show you I have earned low amounts of money and I've earned high amounts of money. And I want to meet you where you are and show you How a couple that makes the kind of money you do at your age thinks and acts I need you to know that You're sending money back to DR. Great. It's not a problem. G. You're saving money for a house. Okay, we can talk about that M You are overspending every month. That is clear. So we need to figure that out as well Can I ask a little bit about how you each grew up with money? What do you remember your family saying about money when you were a kid? They would be fighting all the time. Like we we need to buy this, we need to buy that. We don't have enough. you have to do to go work extra somewhere. You need to find because my dad was say painter and then my mom just doing braids because And but they used to make Money, but at the same time, they'll be always arguing. Arguing that they did not have enough? Yeah, they would And who was saying that? My dad. Your dad was saying that to your mom? Yeah So he was telling your dad was telling your mom Yeah you're not making enough. Yeah And then what? what do he my mom would be fighting him back. So what did they do You want me to tell you the truth? Yeah. That's to fighting They're still fighting. Yeah because of money. Wow. they're still fighting. You think they like it And they're still together, they still going through the same problems. Last thing I did When we file our taxes, I talk to her and I side I say baby. I need one I need one thousand just to solve little bills that they have back home because I know they were crying about it all the time just to not hearing the phone call or can you help me with these and bl, I say, baby. Just please borrow me that Then I'm just gonna fix the problem back home so I can be in peace. What similarities do you see between your parents and what's going on right here Money Ig good? Yeah How long you been fighting about money Since we got together, ye Yeah. And your parents have been married, how many decades? O Maybe been together at least for thirty eight, thirty ye. forty years. Yeah You all been together two years. You wantan to fight for the next thirty eight years? No, that's not a way play. Oh, really? No. Okay. goodood. that sucks. Yeah, that's that's we've seen too much. we've seen too much. It is amazing to me that I meet a lot of people who grew up with parents who fought about money all the time. And then they're in exactly the same situation And they don't go like, I'm sick of this. sick enough to make a change They just go it's kind of annoying and like I wish my wife would do this or my husband would do that. They don't They don't sayay, I'm so sick of this, I'm going to find a way to put an end to it I could see you guys easily going on forty years and fighting about money Dang don't curse those It's not a curse. it's just a reality. There no There' no changes you have made on your own that would prevent you from fighting about money. I'm not trying to be a hard ass, I'm trying to tell you what I see. you came to ask In fact, if anything, the two of you have moved further apart with your money. As you started to earn more Edwins The two of you have moved further apart. Yeah. I can see. That compounds Over soon it's impossible to get out of it. Yeah So there's that And then this Um, This sort of like idea of roles and like man and woman That's present here as well I'm pointing this out because a lot of times we do things. we don't even know why we're doing it, but it's because that's what we saw growing up. You're right. And I think, you know, there are cultures where A man handles money And a woman does not. There are cultures. Yeah. There are also cultures where it's the opposite Man makes the money, brings the paycheck home, gives it to his wife. She handles it for the entire family. Now you all can decide what culture, what practices you want to adopt. You decide I guess that's what I was trying to do with her, but you were trying to do that, right? Yeah. Okay so Can I ask you like The way you were raised, does the man make money and then give it to the wife? That's how he works. Be at home back home it's like If I'm married to her, she'll be if she wants to work, she can work. but mostly the mens don't allow the womens to work. It's like shes would be home taking care of the kids and the men would be the one who make the money and provide for the house. Okay? Yes Were you aware of this? Yeah. Okay to. And so When Edwin says he was trying to Make money and then bring it back and basically give it to you. Do you see it that way? Yeah, I do But I also think Again, we're in a relationship where The first two years of us being together was long distance. I was flying to DR to meet with him and spend time and then I would go back home So there was no need for him to send me any money. And then when he ended up coming here on the visa, we were engaged. He lived with me. I was managing everything because he couldn't legally work in the states. So there was never a time where he even He had to do that nor could he do that. So That just wasn't our story Doid you feel like it kind of just glided into where you are today? I did. Okay. Like there was no, okay, let's turn the page on this chapter let'site sit down. Things have changed We're married, right Let's adapt our accounts. It was just like, okay, we're married and keep doing what we're doing. Eactly. like that. Yeah. That's common. It's very common, but we can make a change Let me tell you what gives me hope. with Alexis and Edwins. They have a high income That actually solves a lot of financial problems. Because they have a high income and low housing cost, they have put themselves in a position where they can fix a couple of things that need fixing. But you know what worries me? It's not about the income. They could double their income And it would still worry me the way that they talk to each other The way that they do not yet truly see themselves as a unit, but they both see themselves independently. And in fact, when they talk, they fight, they jab. It would be hard enough if the two of them were born in the same country, state, even same city. They would have a shared culture. They have a different culture. And so that is going to take some time and a lot of conversation to bridge. They have hard work ahead of them. There's no doubt about that. But they can do it if they are united as a team And they go through it knowing both of them have a plan and they're doing their very best One of my readers shared with me an account of somebody who can find other people's Instagram accounts with as little information as possible. For example, her record is finding someone based on three facts. He lived in Brooklyn. He had brown hair and he went to her gym They didn't even know the guy's name, they still figured out who he was. And this is another reason that I pay for and use Delete Me. 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And then fell off I'm not the best with accountability I also think I'm not the most consistent. He tells me that all the time. So I think when I'm not consistent, I can't hold anyone else to a standard to be consistent. Sometimes I feel like guilty for that So then I think to hold you to a standard that I can't meet myself just feels inconsistent And pointless. That's pretty honest You know why I asked the question? Probably because he gets to do whatever he wants When I talk to both of you, what I hear is You're making way more money than you realized, like tens of thousands of dollars. I actually think your CSP looks pretty good. I'm pretty impressed, especially having a young baby. Child carere expenses, like honestly it's pretty good Your rent is super low You made a couple decisions I wouldn't have made with the Jeep, but it's not horrible You're saving, you're investing. your income just went up a lot. That's amazing. You're so close. to If we're on a boat, both of you picking up the oars and starting to row together and moving so fast, so fast, accumulating so much, living a great life. But every time it comes into picture, like, oh, okay, let's pick up the oars, let's go together, you're derailed. One of you derails each other, you derail yourself. You're just not ready to operate as a team. Since we've been here sitting here and everything M. from your perspective Do you see we can do it? Yes. I have no doubt about that. Thatx is I mean, I believe that too, but I just I feel like I've been here before. I've met with like financial advisors I've done like the my job has like the employee assistance, people that you can have a couple sessions with. I've done all this, the coaching. I've read the books. I run the numbers and finish the sentence And nothing's turned into like a consistent habit yet Nothing's like sustainable. it feels like So therefore, finish the sentence. I go back to Where I started? do you believe this is gonna change Yeah. You do? I don't think you do. I hope it does. I hope it does. I doubt it. Yeahah. I doubt it a little. I don't think you believe it can change. That's what the end of that sentence was. I've been here before, we've tried it Dot dot dot So I don't believe that we can change. What's going on right now is actually One of the key issues, which is I'm telling you, you all are so close You have a pretty good CSP, but you derail yourself. and then what happens? Each of you played your part Edwins goes, but do you think we can do it? basasically looking for external validation from a guy Do you think we can do it? Not asking me, what can I Edwins change? What are the three things I Edwins need to do right now? Nope, just rememat, do you think we can do it? Because once you say yes then I can walk out of here happy because she heard it And I don't need to convince her anymore That's your role. That's the role you're playing. Don't disagree with me. Listen You can disagree with me in a minute. I just want you to hear me. Okay. Then the role you played, Alexis was. You've been here before And I've tried all these things and I don't believe we can change. Y, I can't win against that. It's actually not my place convince you that you can change That's not my role. I'm not interested in it. I don't do it. Only you can make this change. Not me, not some financial advisor, only you two. So what do you want to do? What we can do to change What do you even need to change? Do you even know? I'm ready to cut back on things that I think I'm wasting my money on If I'm spending too much on guilt free spending and using my credit card As you say recklessly or whatever, I can stop doing that. I can set limits, I can set budgets. I appreciate that. You're willing to make a change That's cool. I think what you just said was kind of a reaction to Edwins Like You know and I know what he said about credit cards is wrong. It's flat out wrong. Why would you say like I'm willing to reduce my credit card spnd? Why If someone says thiss something that's point blank wrong, I'm not gonna agree with them and then bend over backwards to make them feel better That's not going to get you where you need to go. I feel like I appease you when it doesn't really make sense to me or financially, but if it strokes your ego in that moment, then my hope is that you'll listen to me when I make the next financial decision or make some type of a change. So if I have to stop using my credit card just to get you to think that I'm being financially responsible, then when I ask you for money for something later or I need to pay a bill later, or I want your buy in on some financial decision together you're more likely to say yes because It sounds so manipulative and like stupid, but you know the worst part? Doesn't even work. I know. Do you even understand what she just said Yeah. It's crazy. You got what I'm saying? Yeah ye. What does she say? She's just trying to be on my side when's not the reality. Yes. That was quite insightful, Alexis that you do all these games appase him in the hope that he will agree with you. In my opinion, doesn't even work Yeah. What if you all could stop like playing all these dam games really and actually like focus on rowing in the same direction together? Wouldn't it be so much more energy put towards a goal? If you want to buy a house, you want to save money, you want to invest, wouldouldn't that be better use, man? Y This idea, you mentioned it offhandedly just a second ago where you said I feel the need to get his buy in so that when I ask him for money Why should you have to ask for money In what world does A husband and wife have to ask each other for money Why do you allow yourself to be put in that position? I didn't ask to be in that position. I thought being married would mean I wouldn't have to do that. You thought that being married meant you would automatically The money would be combined. Yeah. Well, it's not. So what are you gonna do about it I mean Your answer has been to please. Yeah every month. Come on, please. It's not enough. Okay, next month, please That doesn't work. and actually makes no sense. areren't you the higher earner as well That's even though that's the wor Ironic you. Yeah, that's the worst part. What is a different approach to beseeching to asking, begging. What's a different approach? If it's a shared pot that we're both pulling from. Hey, babe, I'm gonna to take care of this bill. It's coming out of the account in case you see it That's it. Okay Do you think that I begged my wife to buy in to our finances. No rem me. What I do? Probably had a conversation about it. Many, yeah. like thousands. but what else I think go through the numbers together to see what the amounts are looking like. I did it out Um mayaybe set like a consistent monthly, weekly. Yes. However, transfer. Did I beg her to please meet with me and please transfer? No, what did I do? I set an expectation. Okay. This what we do as a couple. Yeah. This important This is how it works. Now I'm going to tell you my view. You don't have to agree with all of it. I'm totally open to ninety five percent Changing all this stuff. This five percent, I'm not open to changing it. This is how it has to be. We have to have savings every single month. That's a non negotiable for us as a couple. We have to invest That's a non negotiable for us as a couple. You have to have your own account That's a non negotiable for us as a couple. We each have our own accounts. But all the rest of it, If we hit those few things This is how I think we should do it, but I'm open to what you think. What's the difference in the energy and the attitude It's direct Mh There's no wiggle room. I'm not asking. You're tellelling? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like telling gets a bad name. Oh, we need to ask everything. You'all want to have five thousand buy in check ins with your coworkers. No sometimes you just tell. this is how it's done And look, you could disagree. Here's the areas I'm open to discussion, but these ones I'm not. This is how it works. You show up for work. And as a partner, you show up for money. When was the last time you had a conversation like this The last time I think I told you I need money too. It was when you were on the trip, it was like for the electricity that you end up paying When you came back, Yeah. You told him to pay for electricity. And then did you? I didn't. He did not. The thing is I didn't know I don't care about the reasons why. you didn't do it. Yeah, didn'. And then what was the consequence of that It was late and then I paid it. Ites't seem like a consequence. It all seems amazing if I'm in his position. Oh, I didn't have to do this annoying thing. and then she came off. I forgget. That's not a consequence. It's just not a consequence. Yeah. You ever said a consequence? That feels so motherly, I know. I don't even I think the consequenceces the argument. I can't think of anything more mudy. What didnidn't you say something in your application? fact, I'm gonna read it to you. Jes You wrote. We are living paycheck to paycheck and it kills our intimacy when he is focused on how much we spent on a date night And I'm just trying to hit home base If you know what I mean. What kills intimacy more than being a mother or father figure Yeah. Y' all are worried about something that is already here How are we feeling right now? Because I'm actually feeling a little uncertain. How are you feeling about What's going on right now? Emotionally, I feel really angry, frustrated right now, but I feel like that's pushing me to just wantan to change it. Like I don't want to sit in this Remate, I know you have said that a lot. like I have to hear from another man. to change my lifestyle But I If listening and learning fromr another man to be better home for my family is gonna make me change? Yes, I want to listen to Okay, I appreciate that. Yeah. I appreciate that. And I want to change my lifestyle. Okay? Yes. appreciate. Mbe maybe I was needing that little push to see things clear from you From her, I'm taking this as an opportunity. Good to do better. another one. Yeah. Now, I appreciate that. I'm glad Act hearing from both of you on how you're feeling right now is really helpful for me because Honestly, I feel a little combative. I don't want you I don't want to. And it's funny because your CSP is pretty good What I'm feeling as I pull on one thread, I hear another layer and then another layer. I wonder if you would be okay with me just being very direct with you Yes, be direct. Yes. Okay I think that I have a lot of respect for you coming to the U.S in a different culture and going through you a long distance relationship, then not being able to work, then getting a job at Target, and then getting this much higher paying job. like tons of respect. incredible. I have a lot of respect for what that also took for you in helping somebody come to the U.S and realizing like the things that we take for granted if we're born someomewhere like it's actually not obvious to people. A lot of things that anybody does in any country are quite confusing to somebody who's not from the country. Okay With that said, you arere married You have a ten month old? Yeah. It's time to get this locked in and Right now The dynamic here needs radical change. If you do that, you could actually live an amazing life. What does it take? Right now the two of you are not acting like partners. We have a parent child dynamic. your mom You're the sort of adolescent son who just lets her handle everything for you. And the way that this manifests is in so many different ways. Alexis, you are constantly coming up with different ways of trying to reach him, to try to placate his emotions And you have these stories about he needs to be a man and feel better. And if I do XYZ, ABC, one, two, three, then maybe he will finally see it my way. and you don't realize you've been play The whole wrong game the whole time Edwins From your perspective, why would you change? You just started making a lot more money. You know I don't want her to meddle too much in my money because she's only asking now, not before. And anyway, combining money, I don't know, that feels like I'm going to get looked over my shoulder. and anyway, things are fine. I send my money and it all works out and if the utility bill doesn't get paid, she comes and takes care of it Guys, this doesn't get you anywhere. You're just stuck here. If I checked in with you ten years from now, you'll be in exactly the same position Exactly It's the same cycle your parents are in So there's a way to change it but it involves radically reconceptualizing the relationship here. Alexis, you are no longer the mother, you are no longer responsible for fixing the money in the relationship. You set the expectations. Here's what I expect. I expect that we have a joint account and that both of our incomes are going towards it. Then from there Our bills are paid and then the savings and all that stuff just like in money for couples, and then a little bit of money is sent to each of our accounts every month That is my expectation. Next up, I expect Our savings rate to be this. I expect this, I expect that I'm open and willing to talk about it. If you have a different opinion Bring it. If you're not sure what some of this stuff is, let's talk about it But these are my expectations. And then you have to be willing to do the hardest thing, which is Ask yourself, what will you do if Edwins does not? follow through What are the consequences Because in the utility case, he didn't learn anything. In fact, if anything, he learned not to do it because you're going to come and save the day again What would a natural consequence of that have been? Let the bill be passed too? Yeah and then p and past d until eventually the power is off. Now the question is, are you going allow yourself to do that Yeah, I mean, yeah, I will. Okay And then for Edwins to know, this is his responsibility. That means that the two of you, when your money is joint, which needs to happen immediately, then you decide Here is who owns what? You cannot be responsible for all this. It's actually disempowering to him You've got to Hear her suggestions. And if you agree, great, do it if not, you can speak up as well. You have control. you're a partner, but you've got to take on a lot of this as well. Then the two of you can start looking at your money together You can look at your actual accurate CSP. You can say, wait a second, right now, if we just fast forward, we're not going to have enough to retire. We need to start putting money aside for that more. Hey, right now, if we want to get a house, it's going to take us eighteen years to save for a house. I don't want to wait that long. We got to put more money here. We gott to cut money here But like We can go through all these exercises was kind of pointless unless the two of you actually start behaving as partners. That's my direct feedback. What do you think? I can do that. Yeahah, That's perfect That's it. It's easy I say it was easy. It' do It's doable. I think it's going to be an uphill battle for me to just again accept The fact that I can't Save him from himself Because again, that just reinforces the idea that I'll come in and save him every time. so I need to stop that and I will I want to be there fifty fifty with her. want. learen how to pay the bills and everything and So we can be we can be good. That's good. I appreciate that. It's great. And all I want is to be fifty fifty. I just want to feel like I have a partner. So I'm like, if you're able to carry half the load, I can carry it my fifty percent and not complain about it. Like, that's fine. Alexis, what do you remember about your childhood when it came to money? What did your family used to say So many things. U I like just realized recently that I think I've been through a lot of financial trauma with my mom specifically. She's just like our dynamic, She's the breadwinner in my parents' relationship But it wasn't always that way. I guess before she had my siblings and I, my dad was a breadwinner. When she had kids, she ended up being a stay at home mom and he was working and making money He for the most part, would give money to friends and family, would go on trips fund all the family vacations and stuff like that. and then Mom found out that he I guess was funneling money through an organization There was a lawsuit. She found out all this stuff was happening under her nose and she had no idea. So there was like a lot of trust that was broken between the two of them Mom started becoming the breadwinner at a certain point. She would throw that in his face lot so they were always fighting about money in the house and like saying You're not a man because I'm doing this and you can't provide for the kids and blah blah blah. So I was always seeing that. Then my dad lost his job when I was in like high school. My mom threw that in his face for years And then he ended up having like open heart surgery. and then just stopped working from there and my mom took over everything. and was resentful, but like still did everything And now they're getting a divorce Now, now. why now? Well, there's infidelity stuff like that. but financial stuff was obviously always brewing underneath all of that. So now they're getting a divorce and it's really nasty. So that scares me. And all that's happening while we're raising a child. We're living together. We want to buy a house And I'm just I have no one to like look to for support because my mom is like, you're the woman. You gott to take care. Don't let a man be the reason why you have bad credit. So if he doesn't pay something, you better get in there and take care of it. It's a lot It's interesting you mentioned you just realized you grew up with financial trauma It sounds like you've through A huge amount of it And I don't know there was a word for it. Yeah. So that word, I was like, Ohh, that's what this is. Yeah. Have you seen an individual therapist? Yes Okay And the couple's therapist that you saw, that lasted for a while and then it stopped. Why? She's actually my personal therapist. Okay. So we did a couple sessions together. And it was helpful. I think it was mainly around just parenting. That's what our primary focus was of therapy We never really got into all of this. Got it. And this is similar to your profession as well, right? Yeah, I'm a therapist. Y'our therapist. Yes. crazy. What do you make of that I feel like such a hypocrite. Be because I don't practice what I preach all the time. So, sometometimes I don't either. I didn't talk to my wife til too late about money. That was my bad I dropped the ball on meetings while I was writing my book on money for couples. I've done many things that were hypocritical or contradictory to my own teachings. That's human. It's not great, but it's human So what's the end of the sentence for? You feel like a hypocrite so So I feel like I just let that be my story sometimes. Got it. Can I tell you what mine was? I feel like a hypocrite So I'm going to fix it. Yeah. And that's what I did. Yeah. Like when she pointed it out to me, hey, you've dropped the ball in these meetings and you would never do that at work. So why is it okay that you do that for Army? I was like, Mhm, likeike. explosion here and here. And I was like, I' will fix this. Give me a week, I need to find out why I have been doing this and then I fixed it. What's the difference? I don't take that initiative. Yeah. You're letting this stuff destroy you and' just sitting there. Yeah. Y'all can actually make a lot of mistakes in life You will, but the key is you got to fix them. You gott to acknowledge them and fix them. And right now, it's like you make a mistake or something happens that's not working and then you just go, suck Itsnot the way. forward. So what if you were to be like, oh, I'm a hypocrite and so I'm going to fix it. What would you do I mean, I'd set the standard. What does that mean? Do this feel a little heavy? Yeah, it does. I'm like going back years now, I don't know. Just from watching your body language right now, even like your facial expressions It feels like you're in the process of just like beating yourself up for like fifteen years of stuff. Am I reading that right? Yeah. What if you just didn't do that What if you just did it a totally different way. What if you Step one of three was giveive myself some grace I hear that phrase all the time I hear that phrase all the time. You do Where do you hear it? In therapy. Okay. It's good M must have a very good therapist. Oh my God, he cried Take all this out we need Beause I don't get grace, so I don't even know how to give it sometimes. Like I just don't get it I don't get it from my mom, I don't get it from family. I have so many high expectations that I don't even that I can't meet. So I don't even know how to set them. Like it's just this is like such hard stuff to like unlearn. Yes, that I don't know where to start. Like I really don't know where to start. when I've tried starting. L that's the thing. I feel like I always get this big motivation to be like, I want to do things different. I'm going be the one to break generational curses and then I feel cursed and then I'm right back to feeling o woe is me and pitiful. and I don't want to be that. but I have a kid. so I really don't want to be that and I don't want him to be that either You know, you took one step. Look where you are. You had to get on a plane. Yeah Get in front of these cameras We have had a very challenging conversation today Right? Yeahah, Y'all, I sent you outside to talk. I didn't know if you're gonna come back. So let me just say You have taken several steps And I know how difficult it can be. Put yourself in therapy chair and I have a family or others that are not only not supportive, but they bring me back down. Every time I try to do something. In fact, when I try to do something, they go, who you're so trying to be big, too big for your britches. And so what do what do I have to do Because every time I try to take one step forward, they pull me two steps back. What do I do? Surround yourself with people who you want to emulate or become. Here we are. Yeah. And what do I do when they try to bring me two steps back? It's quite interesting.. Edwin's just coveredmost theatrically covered his ears with his hands Two things I take away from that, onene is maybe go low contact with some of these folks Yeah And second, Edwins has some good instincts there Maybe I actually turned to him as a partner. Yeah. Hey, I'm really struggling with this. My mom said this or my sibling said that. And before I answer, like, what do you think I should do enlist his help for the areas that he is great at And Edwins, you do the same. for money, you two go from this parallel to this Partners. Would it work? I think so. Yeah. Can I make a suggestion? Yeah If I'm a couple and we're making one hundred and fifty, sixty, seventy K, for the first time in our lives, I'm giving myself some advantages so that we are connected. because if we are connected, then our baby is going to be happy. If we are connected, our finances are going thrive and our health is going to thrive, and we are going to thrive and our extended families are going to thrive. So y'all are not really feeding this relationship Actually, you're doing the opposite. you're starving it. It's just like fight, fight, fight. So you know what successful people do? They don't wait till there's a problem. What if we do the same for therapy, though? Instead of waiting until there's a fight, we actually have a regular standing meeting. Yeah What I can tell is that It would be so helpful for the two of you to have models of healthy relationships Would you agree? Yes, Yep. If your only models are, for example, parents fighting for decades then it's actually no surprise that you are in the same situation In a way, you got to both of you acknowledge like, hey, I actually like I love you so much and I understand why we haven't been able to connect Like if we think about it, both of us are bringing like generations of disconnection And we are in a different position. We make more money than we ever thought we would. We're here in the same place finally, not long distance. Like don't we owe it to ourselves to strengthen this relationship If you do that, then you start to see things in a different light, Thrapy, regular financial meetings, all of those things. Now, when it comes to the numbers, can I just point a couple things out? Yeah Yeah. The house thing, put that on hold. Yeah. Right now, there is no way you can find a house for the same price or even close to it. No way. If you were to get a house Bed on depending on where you live, it would be at least double, probably triple what you're paying now. Would you agree? Absolutely. Okay, there's no money for that right now.. So we might as well just accept it. You're not wasting money on rent. By closing the door on that, at least temporarily, you open the door on lots of other stuff How much do we put away? How much are we saving? Right now you have less than a month of savings. That's not a lot You realize your fixed costs are seven thousand bucks And your savings are five thousand bucks. needed to get that number up. and you actually can. you could do it. So if it's me I'm sitting down, I'm going through money for couples together, together, each of you reading a chapter. I'm coming up with specific milestones. First, I want to have six months of an emergency fund. That's gonna take a while. Y I want to make sure we are a a household that has no credit card debt. We can use a credit card, but we always pay it off in full every month.. Start to set up some milestones. And once we hit this, this, this, then we can talk about a house down the road. but for now We're going to have therapy We're going save towards six months of an emergency fund and we're going to start investing more aggressively Could you do it? Yeah, yeah What questions are coming up for you right now. I think the first thing that comes to mind is How can I save more when I feel like I'm saving as much as I can right now? Let's take a look at the numbers. If we go to your fixed costs We are at seventy seven percent. You're right, it's too high. We need to bring that number below sixty percent. Okay So how do we do it? Well, your rent is solid. before you bring it down, we're trying to move to a bigger place But all we been looking at it's like, three thousand and two thousand five hundred and stuff. Okay, Do you think from what you' seing Our budget can really afford that. Let's look.. So you said, right now it's eighteen seventy five and you're saying the places are three thousand the place that we're looking up is like three thousand but we're trying to To at least do two thousand five hundred. Which number? pick it. five. twenty thousand five hundred. Okay, watch. So if it's twenty thousand five hundred, watch what happens to this number right here? The seventy seven percent eighty four percent. Jesus. So what does that tell you? can't You can't afford it. No, we can't. Simple. I actually think you should take joy in that. Joy that at least you know. Isn't it better to know than to go and do it and then every month you're like Where's all our money? That's how most Americans make their biggest decisions. It's crazy to me. Yeahep. Like I said, if I were you and I had this place, I would stay for as long as I could because every month you are here, you are saving a huge amount of money Huge. Y'all should look at your apartment That place you're in, not as a curse, but as a gift you're being given like over a thousand dollars a month. I know it's small But I would stay there for as long as I could Okay, Nope Great question That's a hard pill to swallow. Wow. Yeah. Let's keep going. What can you do in the fixed cost to reduce it? Tell me. Definitely our personal spending. four hundred doars a month. What do you change that to? Let's bring it to two hundred twow hundred. Yeah. Let's bring it lower than that. Yeah, let's do one hundred. Okay. one hundred. Can you do it? Yeah, yeah. I committed to. All right, let's take a look at the number. seventy four percent. good. good in the right direction. Keep going. I could shop around for a cheaper insurance. Even if you were to save like a hundred dollars hundred a month This's actually quite meaningful. Okay. I think you should look. I'm not going to change anything here, but you should do it. What else? What's this miscellaneous number nine hundred and sixty dollars a month on miscellaneous, We can bring that number down It just means that you all have to be very meticulous about your spending.. Can you agree with that? Yeah ye. Okay. Let's bring it down. In my opinion, nine sixty is way too high. If it's me, I'd give you like two hundred bucks two hundred bucks takes you down to sixty six percent.. It's in better shape for sure. Okay. But that means that y'all have two hundred bucks and that's the max Yeah of something that can come up. So if I'm you, anytime there's an extra Like I don't spend two hundred bucks, I'm putting it into a savings account. Okay Because one day when your tires go flat Where's it coming from? That's where it's coming. Yeah. Okay. All right, the rest of it I think is good. Oh, the clothes are still at one hundred fifty I don't know. I think that's got to come down. fifty from I'll keep you fifty each Enjoy those shoes. It didn't even move the number. we're going to do it anyway, becauseuse sometimes we me eightT is punitive. The baby, sixteen seventy seven, An opportunities there I would keep the baby same. All right, so no changes here. Fine. I do want to point out a couple things down here. We got two hundred dollars a month going to the five hundred twenty nine Not enough? Not No, it's way too much right now. You all need to be focusing on yourselves. You don't have en not enough. Well, you don't have enough for retirement. Oh, right. Your baby is ten months old. Yeah. Your baby has time, you have less time. Yeah. So that two hundred dollars needs to be going for you, not for baby.. Zero. goodbye Okay, ye, cool So we're doing four hundred. I like that. four hundred for your investments Savings are at twelve percent. That's good Gifts, vacations I don't think there are any vacations coming up for a while. We planning for next year. Oh, you are? Where are you going? And we want to introduce the baby to the family. Okay, all right, I'm not going to argue with that. I want to make a couple of observations. So one, I think clothes need to go. into guilt free spending, they're not fixed costs. Like you buying like some random pair of shoes That's guill free spending. Actually, I'm going to take this to zero. And that money will flow down here, that comes out of here That also includes things like eating out And things like family travel which, you know, you can save for it here I see that the money going back to DR, that's your individual money that you are choosing to send. Yeah. Totally respect that If you have an equivalent or something that you want to do like travel, okay fine As long as it fits the numbers, great. If it doesn't fit, then you all need to cut back on something else. It's math. It's like a puzzle, make it work Right now, based on the changes that we have made, you have Almost two thousand dollars a month to distribute. Did you know that I did not. Let me show you how that happened just so you can follow the math. So we cut a bunch of money from fixed costs Okay. We cut the miscellaneous, we cut the clothes. The baby We did cut two hundred bucks off the baby. So what all of that flowed down to the bottom, which is nineteen percent guilt free spending. Now for most couples, I recommend twenty to thirty five percent In your case, you don't have enough savings You don't have enough for retirement, so do you think that number should be higher or lower? Lower Lower. I agree. You should spend less on like fun stuff. You could spend a little bit. We should spend less and you should redirect it towards what. Saving and retirement Exactly. Yeah. crystal clear, where do y'all think we should put this? The sending money to DR. Yeah. Is that a bill? I feel like that's a fixed cost. Fixed costs. Yeah. So we call that four hundred. All right, watch what happens fourour hundred means you're now at sixty nine percent It's It's okay It's not great, but it's okay, but it just means you're going to spend less on Guilt free spending. Okay. Y'all have eighteen hundred bucks to spend. We need to increase the savings. How much do you want to add to that? We can make it a full thousand? Good. Watch what happens. Your savings are now twelve percent. You still four hundred and ninety three dollars. I like this. I like the direction we're going. There's actual math on this. You can open up a compound interest calculator. and calculate how much you will need for retirement Let's simulate it right now. Let's say we add an extra five hundred bucks a month We're at nine percent, not b. You still have nine hundred ninety three dollars a month. Look, if it's me and I'm young with a baby and I'm trying to get ahead because What's your a ages again? twenty nine. thirty one. You guys have an amazing opportunity. L even two hundred bucks a month actually makes a huge difference right now. So if it's me, I'm taking this number down to freaking six hundred here. I'll add an extra hundred to savings. extra hundred. to investments N You're down to seven hundred ninety three. That's not bad. That's not bad. You all have to be very Thoughtful and planful about what you're spending guilt free spending, you probably can't go on any moreore big vacations for a while. Okay. You will not believe after three months, you're going to look in your accounts. You're going to be like Is this for real? You will not believe it. In three months, you will have extra almost four thousand dollars in your savings account That's crazy And then in your investments, you will have an extra three thousand dollars Oh That's amazing. That's just three months. Imagine twelve months It becomes unstoppable. Again, y'all, you don't have to go this aggressive. You're young. You could dial it back a little bit if you want. If you go and you try this and you're like, is way too impossible for us. And you talk about it The bad way would be, I give up to the old ways, the good way would be, hey, I'm finding this really hard I know that we agreed for me to eat out once a week or for me not to take a vacation, but I don't feel this is sustainable. I would like to discuss with you a way for us to loosen the strings just a little bit. It may take us a little bit longer, but it's going to make it more sustainable for both of us. Would you be open to that discussion This is gonna to be a tough pill to swall. I have friends who live all over the country. You have plenty of time and I am not saying you all have to live like hermits for the rest of your life What I'm saying is that The way that you came into this conversation, do you remember what your number one goal was Clarity Yeah. and like, what was your thing that you wanted to to do with your money Oh to buy a house.yy. Yeah. And we discovered in five seconds that's not even feasible. I'm not saying that's forever What I'm saying is let's actually focus on realistically what's possible and let's win You all came in here And you were trying to set yourself up to fail If you had bought a house, you would fail. You can't do it right now. What I'm doing is showing you how to create an actual plan where you will succeed That is amazing. That is how you change this generation of messages that you learned You have a plan. Your parents did not have a plan. I guarantee that This changes things. Then the two of you need to connect therapy, regular meetings, reading the book together. Both of you being involved, not one, both. and then you follow the plan. And when it goes wrong and it will go wrong at some point, you go, hey, let's talk about this. Doesn't mean you're a bad person I love you. let's figure out where we went on track. Let's get back on track Can y'all do that? Yes. I believe you can. I believe that What surprised you about today's conversation? I just got surprised about the numbers. Yeah. What part of it? When you say in three months, how much we can make, we can really save. It's like when you really think for the whole year, we We gott to make it. I think we can make it. Good. Yeah. I really thought having a baby, I had so much I needed to do now and early in, you know, the future, but I'm like, you're right. he's ten months old. I have a lifetime ahead of me. So sometimes I feel like I run myself in this like anxious circle of needing to catch up and whatnot. and then it I set myself back. Yeah. So that's a great, both great realizations Calm, cool, and collected. That's how I am with money. That's how I want everyone to be. I can admire things. There may be certain things I see that I want to do. Maybe I can't afford it right now. Calm, cool and collected. I have a little document in my phone I joted down create a little milestone when we get to this I'm going go and look at my list and see what do I get to do? What do I get to do But there is joy in creating a list of things you want to see and in maintaining your discipline so that when you get there, it is even sweeter. Yeah. When you walked in here today, How are you feeling compared to how you feel now I feelel lighter. I feel very different because I feel like I just took a rock. of my back. Yeah. Yeah yeah that's how I feel. What about the two of you? How do you feel about the two of you as a unit? I feel like this you made a lot of point like kind Connect us way, way better Yeah, especially the therapy, doing things together, sitting down and right and see what we do, what we spend and everything. I think that's going to create a lot of a good habit between us and then things' going to be better for us you know when it comes to that. I just I think I'm realizing how much I am reinforcing negative habits from him. So I think I'm as much to blame in just like the cycles that we were in, even though I try to point the finger at him because he's not involved. He doesn't do blah blah blah. I think that because I'm always there to like pick up where He leaves off. I blame myself for that U so yeah, I'm looking in the mirror now and realizing that I need to change. Great realizations both Very powerful Edwins where you combine accounts? Yeah, yeah, deffinitely. yeah. Yeah, My perspective now from Before and now it's a lot. It's way different. I love that. The two of you as a unit if you are strronger Your son feels that? Y son sees that and it actually becomes stronger over time. So it's like right now, when you walked in, it was like two magnets repelling each other. It's like if I tried to push them together, they actually would fight. And I think what I'm starting to see are signs that you two have flipped And that when I even bring you too close together Yeah, you get together. and guess what? You keep those magnets together for a long time and you start to fuse together And then you got your little baby magnet, little ten month old comes along. the baby sticks like this, That's a beautiful thing.. It kind of explains a lot. The fact that both of them grew up with parents who fought Imagine being in a household where your parents fight once a week, twice a week, every day and you gre up for years seeing that. You would think it's normal. You wouldn't actually know that there is any other way to be. And I think that's a little bit of what we are seeing today There's not only an untraining of what they learn, but there's a retraining of what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm actually really honored that they reached out and asked for help. I think they need to be around other people than they are normally around Other people who say, hey, it's actually not normal to be completely separate in your marriage with a ten month old. Hey, it's actually cool if the two of you talk about how you feel and you can admit like I'm nervous or I made a mistake. They need to see that there's a different way to be because once they see it, then they can start to adapt it and adopt it for their own relationship. If you find yourself talking past your partner, like the two of you are just not connecting about money and you even find yourself jabbing each other. Well, you did this and you did that, then it might be time to make a change. and if so You should join my money coaching program. Every month, I have a live event the two of you can come together. There are tons of other people in that program in situations just like you and a little bit ahead. and you can have an opportunity to make money an important part of your relationship. I'll show you exactly what to do with your money. I will show you how to talk to each other about money I will even show you how to spend your money meaningfully so the two of you can get on the same page. Join my money coaching program at Wt d. com slash money coaching Let's check out their follow ups. Hello guys, Hello Remit. I'll say thank you one more time for the opportunity. And then I'll say right away, my biggest surprise was to see my wife emotional. Remit, that's been you knew something was going on with her And then to me, that was amazing. And then I wouldll say, my takeaways is about the credit card. Now I have a better idea. I have enough information from you about how to use my credit card properly. And then I'll say, Aion, me and my wife, we' about to open our joint account We're about to get our coual therapy. We about we're getting ready to invest better, to save better. Now we feel like every little things that we buy, we have to take note and then to make things better. But we also don't want to be cheief but Here we go. We're trying and then we already prove ourselves that we can make it. Thank you guys. Thank you. keepeep changing life. I have really been surprised by I think just how much I have to take responsibility for our dynamic with money. I think we really open my eyes to the fact that I have been playing mom with my husband Edwins, and I don't think that's been helpful to us at all. I have a lot