Bedtime Story and Closing

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to newly parents on the show today. On the little menu, today we have Sophie. We have you scratching your butt at smithereens in the night. Okay, Sophie nearly kisses her hall pass. We talk about you and I getting a little bit frisky. We also talk about our first moments as a family with our baby Ziggy. All of that coming up in the show. Also, if you haven't subscribed yet to our show, if you can click that button, it takes one second, it's completely free and does us wonders. Okay, here we go. You ready, honey? We love you. I love you. Enjoy. Enjoy the show. We love you. Enjoy it. Hello, I'm Jamie Lang. And I'm Sophie Lang. And now we're newly paris. Oh yeah, we up, baby . No hustle . No bustle. This is life in the Black Lane . Relax to and from the airport. It's a breath of fresh air. A sigh of relief. Jet without the lag. Blacklane. The global chauffeur service. In London and over 500 other cities. Book now at BlackLane.com or download the app . One of our sponsors today is Percival. TV, if you're at a wedding in Greece or Spain this summer, what are you wearing? Great question. Okay, I'm gonna be wearing definitely linen, a linen suit because it's boiling. Good, because your current suit's not air. But have you seen Parcible? I love Parcible. It's so good. I love it. Jamie, this green linen suit would just look stunning on you. Green. It would look like an avocado. No, it would look absolutely stunning . I love green. It's nice with your eyes. It doesn't cash with your hair. If you don't like green, there's loads of other colours. There's brown, there's green, there's merlow. Okay, listening more. So if you book a person's shopping appointment in school, you get free alterations as well, and you get 20% off when you buy a blazer trouser and a shirt. So I'm getting a full outfit. Exactly. There's no excuses. All right, okay, honey, sold. Well done. Guys, if you've got a wedding or a holiday coming up, you must go and check out Parcel. Especially that cream suit. Head to ParcivilClow dot com to shop their summer suit collection. Ladies and gentlemen, this podcast is sponsored by Lego Duplo, where learning and play go hand in hand as toddlers create , imagine and explore. Like most parents, we think our little baby is a genius, right? I mean obviously, I mean sometimes I just look at it and I'm like, there are some big ideas brewing there. Pretty development happens in like really the early years. Like a stat for you, okay? Ninety per cent of a child's brain develops before the age of five. Well, this is why it's so important for them to play. It just means that they learn all these important live skills for when they grow up. So Lego Preschool offers a wide range of sets which you can start using with your kids from just 18 months all the way up to five. I mean I think it's just about starting them off early, giving them the space to just build and play and just letting them explore at that own pace. And also we have my little niece who absolutely loves Peppa Pig, like obsessed with Peppa Pig. There's also a huge range of different ones, uh, depending on whatever their favourite character is. Let's start building. Visit Lego .com slash preschool to find out more. Well Well, looky who it is. Swap our chairs, you little stingback. You little sl ots back. No, what do I keep calling you? You grumpy old get. You little sting. Oh no, no, this is my favorite one. Yes, sad little get . Yes, sad . Sad sad sad little get . Hey, welcome back to episode two of Newly Parents Every Party. Damn scra pe. All right, we have so much to talk about today. I need to tell everyone a few things that you're talking about . And I need to tell you why. Not gonna shut up. I'm not gonna shut up. I slept on the floor, the floor of our nursery. Yeah, and do you want to know why, everyone? Because our son has a cold at the moment, right? So I he can't breathe out his nose. And I put him in bed with me. Come at me, mums . And he went, Oh, you're gonna get him in bed with me. I'll go sleep upstairs then. By the way, everyone, we have a spare room. So imagine my shock horror when I went to change Ziggy's nappy in the night. Oh, that's the biggest lie. I've never and there, but naked on a str stupid little blanket lying on the floor of his nursery. Like why? You came in . You came in going, he's not sleeping. No, I didn't. He's not sleeping. I didn't. I didn't. And so then who? Papa over here. Oh, Papa, shut up. I.'ve I've got proof got it all on the nanit and I rewatch all of it. It's my favourite hobby. I sit, I watch everything. Nothing goes amiss. What happened was I The Nanit is what records our video. I I rock, rock, rock because I thought look, he doesn't like the bed. It was the first time I've ever tried. I'm desperate for him to sleep post sleep with it me, but he doesn't like to do it. So I thought I'll rock him and I'll put him back in his cot. Jamie was asleep on the floor, slept through the whole thing. I put him back in the cot and then I thought, are you gonna go back downstairs? He said no, I'll stay here because you were just so comfy on that floor, on that bony bony floor. So I was not comfy on the floor. He slept next to you on the floor in our son's room. Yes. With our son in the cot. With our son in the cot. And then what did you do? I then was painful really uncomfortable, so I went back to my bedroom. Yeah, so I slept on the bed. No. Or fall on you that you didn't make up all night there. No, I did wake up, and then I was soothing him all night because he's got a cold, so he can't sleep. So I was putting my hand on him all night to make sure he was okay. I did look at the nanit, and and Jamie sleeps naked, and it's just like you hovering over with your hot face mask. You look like a worm and you're just naked with your big buttons in the air, like tapping Ziggy. No wonder you didn't sleep. He was it's like, who is this white haired man? With like terrifying. Put some clothes on for God's sake. Can I just say? We have we have this this nanit thing as so so which records everything that happens in the nursery. And so Sophie one night Ziggy was crying and so so obviously runs upstairs to go and like sort out Ziggy and I was like okay fine after about after about 20 minutes I think it was about 20 minutes I was like I just want to prep we've we've just moved him from our bedroom to his own room in the cot. So it's been like a it's been a for a week. I would say we're running on about two hours sleep every night this week. Zero sleep. Anyway. I was like, where the fuck is Sophie? Like I'm like she's still up there. So I get the little video , little screen to monitor to have a look what's going on. Ziggy's in his car and Sophie has climbed. Big mum has joined him into the cot and she's spooning she's spooning our son spooning him like this and like in this tiny little cot and so i come up and say i'm like you can't get into the cot with him. You can't get into the cot with him. We had so he was saying, get out of the cot, it's bad habits. And I was like, you're a strict, nasty parent who won't cradle their son. And he was like, get out with your big naked body in front of me. So that's what we're dealing with, guys. Another thing that happened to me this week that I've got to get off my chest 'cause it's the funniest thing ever. And I know I've told you a million times, but I have to tell everyone else. Because it was the wildest experience that I've ever had in my entire life. Oh god. I was on my Vespa driving. I was on my Vespa driving through London, okay, past Holland Park. If you know Holland Park, it's a park. And when I was driving past the park, okay. There's a car park. And out of the car park flew a stor k . I'm not getting you carrying a little baby in it. No, flew a stalk. Where's Stork? They're only in Narnia. No Storks aren't like cruising around London. I know. That's why it was so weird. A stork flew out and I went, oh my god, it looked like a pterodactyl flying at me, and it blew into me, blew into me on my vest back. A stork. I've never seen a stalk looks like I'm gonna show you this. Is what a stork looks like. That's a stork. I see them all the time. They live in the stork flew into me. Good luck, I think. It was that whole I just need to tell you this, that whole journey was really upsetting. What happened on your journey? Okay. I had a sore tooth, really, really sore tooth. And it's a little bit better now, but I had to drain an abseth from my teeth. It it's an abs eth, not an abseth. I don't understand. Why do you keep saying that? He said it to me eight hundred times. Sophie I've had an abbeth. And I know you don't have a list, but I'm not sure what's happening. It's an abscess, is it? Yeah. Okay, I had an abscess in my tooth. And nothing I went to loads of dentists, they all were like saying it's different things. So I finally went back to my old dentist who is incredible. He's the nicest, nicest person in the world. But to get there, I had to take my Vespa. Okay? Not on the motorway again. So I'm not even kidding you, okay? I I I didn't go on the motor ways, but it was huge A roads, three lane A roads on my Vespa, and I'm not even kidding you. I swear to you of my entire life. I was on my Vespa going and I had my big puffy jacket on and the puffy jacket became a parachute . So I was I was driving it and I was trying to get I was trying to get as low as possible. I was trying to get as low as possible. So the jacket wouldn't be a para so the jacket wouldn't be a parachute and the wind was so much that my visor that I had flew flew open and I couldn't see and the whole thing was dragged me up. It was terrifying to the point when I was driving I went, I was going, this is fucking mental. As I was driving it. Fucking hell, this is nuts. Is that me legal then to go on the A roads? I don't know, honey. I can only go to fifty miles an hour on it, so I think that's the speed limit, but I don't know. Why don't you ask Fifty miles an hour is like is like peak on a Vespa. That you can't can't go Yeah, you must have been pissing everyone off on those roads. I would have like knocked you to the side if I was driving past fifty miles per hour. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you got your ab seth fixed. I got my abcesh th fixed, which was really quite sore. Really sore. Yeah, it was really , really sore, right? The sorest thing that I've ever had in my entire life. She's been in the water sweet. Yeah, and and oh you're covered in scratches. Covered in scratches. I don't know. It's like this is Jamie in the night. I think he like claws his whole body. It's like you look like you've been attacked by a wolf when you wake up in the morning. Were they all over my back? All over you. I need to take a photo. It's like your bum as well, like covered in scratches and I don't know how you get your hands there and scratch your bum like that. Because you can just scratch your bum. But why do you scratch it? Is it that itchy? P well if it's scratchy probably because I've itched my bum. But why just the back? Why are you so itchy? What's going on there? Well this is what we should get into because we're gonna go back and talk about the first moments that we had with Ziggy. Okay. And what it was like to be first parents. Because I haven't told you this. You know, when we first had Ziggy and he came back, every single time Ziggy cried when he came back from the hospital, I used to get an itchy head. I'm not I'm not joking you. I'm not joking you. Okay. I I I'm not kidding you, and I think it's a thing. So instead of picking up your son when he was crying, you were like, scratch, scratch, scratch. No, I had an itchy head, I promise you. My head was really itchy with it. I don't know why. Mag just gonna Google it. I think that's probably just like not a thing. It is anxiety rife within you. It's a hundred percent a thing. It's not. Magda isn't a thing. No. This is uniquely yours, Jamie. Is that what it says? It says that kids get a thing called cradle cap. Yeah, that's not what you had. I think I had cradle cap . You got a a scalp, a s a cradly cap, a sc flaky scalp, but when Ziggy cried. No. That flaky that's from all that peroxide blonde hair. Not because of Ziggy crying. Tell me what it was like for you when you first came back with Zig. What was those moments like? For me, well the car journey was a lot. Because you put them in this car seat and then you put them in the taxi and the taxi person 's talking to you and she was so sweet and she had just had a baby or something. Oh her nephew No, she uh uh that was it yeah her her son had just had a baby and then the weirdest thing in the world this is mad. The lady who this wonderful taxi driver who picked us up from uh the hospital to take us home, she was so kind and so lovely. She's speaking about her son. Two weeks later, we got into a taxi, and it was her son driving the taxi said, by the way. By the way, my mum picked you guys up w out of the hospital and took you home. And we flagged him. We didn't we we didn't book him. We flagged a taxi down, it was him. It was him. He was so lovely as well. He was so so what was your moment? So the taxi drive back was bad. The taxi drive was bad because Carcy crying, oh no, oh no, oh no, get into the door, heaven, heaven on earth. I the way I describe it to my friends is like giving how getting given your child when you've just given birth. And like for me, everyone's experience is different, but that first month was like a drug. If I could just sniff that, rub it in meat eat it. Sorry. Yeah. I could s from sniff that. That drug. Oh, that drug. What do you mean? I don't know, you just went straight in. If you could inject it, you would I could inject it into me, like if I could have that feeling forever and ever and ever. What is the feeling? Can you describe it to me? Right, oxytocin riding through my body. It was like all over me. The most amazing. I love hormone, like just so happy, so in love . Heaven, really. And obviously, because I'd had the the C section right, I think it's kind of nice because you sort of get this excuse to just lie in bed the whole time. Because I feel like you should be able to lie in bed all day, every day with your baby when you've just given birth, but I feel like maybe people have the pressure to like get out and about. But we obviously had him at Christmas, so it was like cozy, cozy vibes. I couldn't walk in bed. You brought me food from M S. I did. I watched Harry Potter from the beginning. I watched Twilight from the beginning. Now I can't watch any TV because where does Ziggie's eyes go? He's literally like an owl. If I put the TV on, he will literally do 360 to watch. I'm like, how, how? Just let me watch your housewives for one minute. But I can't. So those days when his eyes were shut all day long and he was just nuzzling into me and I could watch everything. We watched we watched Harry Potter. We watched Harry Potter the first one to the end one. Watched it all the way through neither of us had watched the last one. And and Sophie has decided her synopsis of Harry Potter, which is what Harry Potter's an absolute loser . No, but like not a loser because like oh he's not cool or whatever. Like that is a shit hero. She 's not a hero. Sophie Prefers thinks Voldemort is better than Harry Potter. Absolutely. Harry Potter isn't a wizard. He only stole Voldemort's powers. I don't why we're all acting like he's he's the chosen one. He isn't. He only ha he is an average, normal, very little boy who absorbs little boy Baltimore's powers. That's all it is. Okay, give me more. And he's selfish because he constantly puts all his friends and family at risk. Just like handle safe over to Baltimore. Why you like the whole world is fighting for Harry? Why? Dumbledore dies for Harry. Love Dumbledore. He's very, very talented . Harry isn't . If you had to sleep with one of the Harry Potter characters, who would it be? Always Draco Malfoy. Weird. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Shag Draco Malfoy. Always, and then I married some wall peroxide blonde hair. I, when I was younger, was absolutely gun-ho in love with Draco Malfoy. In love. What the hell? And then you have peroxide blonde hair. And you don't find many men with peroxide blonde hair. His is natural though, but No it's not. You think the child at five years old died his hair white. He wasn't five, he was thirteen. Oh maybe they did. Of course they died you think he had just white hair of course they proxide blonde in that. Did they? Yes, Tom Felton bleached his hair naturally. Oh yeah, because he's naturally a light brown, dirty blonde. Well he does look better blonde that peroxide, it suits him. Okay, anyway, so we watched Harry Potter. And what was Twilight? Twilight. I didn't like Twilight at all. I don't like Twilight as much, no. No, I like that a lot. But what was it like first time being a mum? Because that's all that whole moment is like It's like such a blur and I feel still feel like a really new mum. But just like I don't know. The only way to describe it is like it feels like a hole has been filled. Like it just felt I felt complete. Like overwhelming love, overwhelming happiness, overwhelming content ness. Yeah. Just unbelievable. Can we talk about our first night we were together when Ziggy wouldn't stop pooing? Yeah, tele . So one of our very first nights that we came back with Ziggy, and it is, by the way, it is like No, I'll tell you the first chaos, honey. The first night was like kind of amazing. We were like, okay, yeah, ever feeding like at some time we even set the alarm and woke him up to feed him, right? Second night, which people say you get You get brought into like a false thing. I sent a message to my friend saying, They don't know what everyone's complaining about. This is a friggin' breeze. And he was like, You're two days in. Get ready. It was heaven. And then Bosh thunder onto reality. So we called the hospital because we were so worried, so worried. And we called them and we were like, they were like, what's happened? What's happening? We said, we've just got a three day old and like he will not stop shitting. Like shit was everywhere, guys. I'm talking like changing the nappy, cleaning it, nappy's there. Shh poo, everywhere, all over the bed. Uh 'cause I was just shit. I was like, oh my god, something's this can't be normal. Like he's got a tummy bug or something. Crying and then like weing, obviously he's a boy, so like weing over onto our face. Um the wee was mad. The wee was everywhere, like it was also like I don't know why but it was seeping out of his nappies his clothes were constantly wet we were like oh my god this is mayhem and then he was crying so much I was rocking him and I was wearing these 90s that you know I love an IT and I was wearing an IT because I was breastfeeding but when I they're actually quite inconvenient to breastfeed with because like you have to pull the whole thing up. So what I do pull the whole thing got it. I was doing now just I would p pulullled the an n Iight y and I would put put it over my head. Do you know what I'm trying to say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you imagine? So they're like tucked underneath your armpits. So it's like basically like a small little cropped cardi at that point. And I just mill about the house all day long with my big maternity pants, huge udders hanging out. And I was rocking him and rocking him, rocking him. And I was like, oh my god, Jamie, he's peeing, he's peeing, he's peeing. And Jamie was like, where is he? Where is it coming from? He's in an appi and it was my boobs. The milk was just like sh spraying out like fountains. Spraying out like fountains. I c I couldn't understand why you're they were doing that 'cause he was crying and pooing and they were just spraying out everything. They sprayed out the whole time. That's what happened yeah, that that's what happens. Well I remember when Ziggy first came back, he was obviously like sleeping in the cot next to us. Sophie in the middle of the night would wake up and go, where is he? Where is he? And I'm like, what the hell like what are you talking? What's going on? Like that. And she thought that Ziggy was in the bed with us and you had rolled on top of it. No, I didn't think that. I was hallucinating because I would I was brassing . I was. I was brass reading in the night and like hallucinating. I yes I was, you absolute saddle girl. Let me tell you why. I am producing milk and breastfeeding in the night. The tiredness is extraordinary and the thirst and the thirst and I'm just like this and it's 2 a.m. and then it's 4am and then it's 6 a.m and then it's 11 and pm and so then I put him back in the court and I' stdill feel like he was on my bo ob and that I'd fallen asleep and 'cause I was so close to falling asleep, like you have to really like slap yourself and they're feeding on you. I'm not joking. Yeah, and then wait and then you thought he was still attached to your boob. I would just wake up thinking he was still on me and that he was like down in the bed. And so I'd like rip the duvet off. Rip the duvet off going crazy. And Jamie was like, he's literally there and he was like snoring next to us in his little car. This is what I don't understand. As soon as you as soon as you start as soon as he lashed. As soon as he latched so he was like ah I'm so thirsty. That 's not unacceptable that no one warns you about that. That is like you need to drink the ocean. And your tit was about as big as my head, it was honestly. Never known any never seen a boob so colossal in my head. Were you seeing boob because it was two? Yeah, I know. But one of the boobs. You didn't have a super boob. One of your boobs. I did have a super boob. So found one boob that really worked. The other one didn't didn't work so much. I tried to level them out, but it just wasn't growing. Like one of them was like woof and the other one one was like and Ziggy was like can you even get a bra in a K it was absolute colossal. It was like it was like putting a watermelon in a bra. It was honestly so big. And Sophie would try and give Ziggy her other boob, the one, the shed one, and he would be like he'd go, ah, I don't want it. So he would only latch onto the super boob that was basically mutating into this . I thought the boob was going to become a person. Honestly, I was gonna wake up and Sophie was gonna be a boob. Honestly, it was growing by day. It was so big. The the big thing that I realised is that you basically you when you came back from the hospital, I thought we were gonna go back to normal like as a couple and like being a bit frisky with each other. When have we ever been frisky with each other? We were at the beginning of a podcast that documents the fact that we are practically celibate . We're not practically celibate. We're not and also and also lady that we've we've become a little bit more frisky being parents. We become a little bit more frisky being parents. But the first Well celebrate for a whole year in my pregnancy yeah. We were celebrated for a whole year. We do twice in the whole year. No, we did once. What a life that was. We I remember when I tried to initiate it like a couple weeks in and you were like, are you kidding me? Look at me. No, because Jamie three weeks was literally like we need to have sex, like this is not normal. Please, Sophie, I waited a year. Literally crying. I was No, Sophie, I was You went, please, and stamped your little arms on your legs. And you were like, I waited a year. And I was like firstly I actually physically cannot I have stitches all over me down there secondly I have to be signed off by the doctor and you be like oh that's bullshit it's always an excuse with you you. You don't have to be signed up with the doctor. I was like, get on the phone to Tarek now. Get on the phone to him. Did I phone Tarek? No, obviously not. He would have been like, you're a freak of a person. Um Sophie was literally like, Sophie was like, I'm not having sex with you, and I'm telling you why, and I was like, why? And she goes, I'm not having sex because A, I've just had my stomach ripped open, I got stitches everywhere. B, I have my son and your son sucking on my nipple every single day. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm fraught. The last thing I want is you breathing on me. Get out of here. And then I force you to come to my six week check up with me because I wanted to sit in there and go to Tarik. Tar ik, isn't it true that you can't have sex until six weeks. And he said yes, and it's true. Also, when you first come out and you can first eat the food that you can't eat during paste for the first time, how delicious was that for you? Nothing will compete with that delicious sushi. Straight away we went and had sushi. It was unbelievable. And like also, you're just, I've never felt hunger like that. You think you're being you're hungry when you're pregnant. Fuck that. Breastfeeding, that's like middle of the night. You need to get me a burger. I've never experienced that . What? You know that I was. We're not going to go back into this. I don't remember that. I do remember that. I do remember when you were trying to be on a health kick. I do remember when you were trying to be on a health kick. And you had a a bag of healthy gran ola and you ate the whole bag. Yeah. And you turned it around, it was two thousand calories. I ate a whole bag of like this chocol I thought healthy, delicious. It was like chocolate granola nutty thing. It was bark, granola, bark. Yes, it was one bite in the whole packet. Oh my god, it was divine. Two thousand calories in one go. I was like, Oh my god. He was furious, weren't you little sassy girl? Okay, sassy boy. So that sushi was the nicest thing you've had. The sushi's the nicest thing. I do I was thinking that we should be go we should be doing more. And now we're talking about how when he was so little, we were Yeah, we wanna live. We wa we wanna live. Like I really after watching Coachella, like I She's obsessed with Coachella. She's obsessed with Coach And it's made me reevaluate my whole life and like I really urge everybody to watch it and just decide to live. Sophie's like Sophie actually said to me when she watched Coachella, I know it was a few weeks ago, whatever, when she watched Bieber at Coachella, Sophie said that she couldn't actually watch it because it was like watching an ex-boyfriend. No, I feel sure. S couldhen't because it was like watching an ex- ex-boyfriend. I wouldn't care to watch an ex-boyfriend. It was like You said it was like watching an ex-boyfriend. And I know you don't want to say that because you think Hailey Beaver's going to be watching this, and potentially you're going to be friends with her. That's what you're thinking of your head. No, I I I Oh no, wouldn't because Haley, if you're listening No because no it wasn't it wasn't Haley doesn't give a fuck. It was worse than that. It was like watching I was upset watching it 'cause I thought I will never meet him and he will never meet me and we will never be together. I watch it because I love her, like the whole thing. Is is he that hot? Yes, I might I can't a spit in my mouth. Yeah. It's something else happened. The believers got brought back into life at Cochella. I don't know what happened. It reignited something in me and I'm going to live. It actually changed me . It it gives me a chance. Tell me, tell me through it. It's like, Farcy, it's upsetting, but to I'm gonna be real, really real now. It's as upsetting as it is for me to watch vampire diaries. Like I physically, I' inm love with those character s, not the real people, because we've met him. By the way, just a quick caveat on this, we met Sophie's hall pass on a night out. Yeah, we met Sophie's hall pass on a night out, which is Stefan from Vampire Diaries. I actually need to talk about this because I think what happened was, no, it was Damon from Vampire Diaries. We got invited to go to this drink sing with him. Obviously, everyone seems to know that I'm like a super fan. And as we came in, he was wearing this little like cowboy hat that looked like it was from a souvenir shop, but like he's he's gorgeous. He I will say he's shorter than Jamie, everybody. And for some reason I was obviously kind of getting thrown on him because the people who invited us knew that I was a fan. I've never seen Sophie's more like coy in her life. And I was like, hang on a second, what do you think is actually gonna happen here? You go you guys are gonna go home and check? Like what is like wife. Sorry? He's got a wife. You have a husband. Like you have a husband. What's the point in having a hoop house if you can't. Do you really think it no no on you I I know you're playing with me here. Do you really think you ma if you Jamie You meet Kylie Jenner, you have your best shot, my wishes. She's not my call pass. Yes, she is. No, she's not my you're doing that because you think you're gonna be mates with Timothy Charlemagne. No. Kylie's not my whole pass . She's not my whole bar. Hi, Carly Jane's not my whole bar. Usual whole bars. I know Sydney Sweeney? I bet she was. When we watched that stupid film, The Housemaid, Jamie literally every sorry, Sydney Sweeney, you you're a good actor, great for you, but like fuck me, the role is not funny. Jamie was like, oh my god, what good life? I was like she's literally mopping up the table. Like there's nothing funny about that character. She's so good. She looks really good with no makeup, doesn't she? That's what boys like. I was like, okay . So going back to Damon, what happened? Damon obviously for because he couldn't understand why everyone was like thrusting me on him so I think he thought he was here promoting his whiskey. I think he thought I was like a big investor. So he kept selling the whiskey to me. So I was there like you know breastfeeding so I'm not drinking any of this whiskey anyway. He six glasses of different whiskeys. He was like, taste this one. This is like smooth. And then can you feel it tingling your lips? I was like pretending to drink all of these whiskies so close to my face, we were literally like our noses were touching it. Did you nearly go ? I nearly went I went, I'll drink out of your glass. You big old creep. What do you mean? If he had turned to you and said Sophie, Sophie I hail I think we should go home together I'd have asked you. And what do you think I would have said? Sure, go. Hey Damon, have a fun night. What do you think I would have done? No, I wouldn't have taken it so young. Ah, well listen, ladies and gentlemen, on that note. As always , we get to that point in the episode when it's time to read out some of your glorious messages. It's time for listeners messages. This is an advert from Avino. Right, Jamie, I need to talk to you about your skincare routine or lack of one. My skin is brilliant. Look how young I look. And also, firstly I wash my face, that counts. Okay, but you need to be doing a routine every day and you need to be using this. Always another thing. Hey, what is this one? It's the Avenue Carma Resort Moisturising Legion. It's got SPF 50 in it, so your skin is protected from sand damage and pollution. It's non-greas, it's unbelievable, it's easy to apply, slather that all over you and it's a good idea. If I put this on, I'm just gonna put it on, right? Yeah, and you slather it on and put it all over my face. But we live in the men put it on in that way. Like why do you it's men all girls divine. I know it it' smsell nots divine. And greasy and it's so silky smooth. But we live in London, okay. No, it's raining the whole time. There's still UV rays and there is still pollution and you need to protect your skin from that, especially as you cruise around on that little vasper of yours. So wait, I I've had a baby, so I I don't have time to do all this kind of stuff. This is amazing. Well you've had a baby. I've had a baby. We both had a baby. Can you do it? Well I managed. Okay, honey. I love the I'm in. That is amazing. Here we are. Can I take this one? No., get your own Love that. This episode of New Deparents is brought to you by Turi . You know what? Our holidays are just never gonna be the same again. I know, right, by the way. Once upon a time, all we had to worry about was finding somewhere to go that we both like. Now there's a whole load of other things to take into consideration. Yeah, but that is where Tui is so great. No matter what sort of holiday you and your partner or your family are after, you'll find one that takes all the boxes. With Tui, there's more options and more choice. 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Book now at Blacklane.com or download the Well ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Listeners Messages. We've got a voice name from Emily. We're gonna play it. Here it is. Hi, Jamie and Sophie. Congratulations on the new arrival. I'm so happy the podcast is back. I have a story for you. Um, my fiance and I have been together for six years and I've basically never had any doubts about our relationship until I found something out about him that honestly makes me question everything. Uh we were talking about growing up, puberty and having those kind of feel ings for the first time. And he casually told me that when he first started wanking, he had no idea of how to dispose of his fluids, shall we say? So he used to wank into an old fabric softener bottle which he kept under his bed and reused . So this went on for a long time and he slowly built up quite the collection until one day the bottle disappeared. He was embarrasseded and assum his mum basically found the bottle and chucked it away. Until a few days went by, he was doing some jobs for his mum. No. He went into the utility room to collect some laundry where he saw his trusty bottle on the side with the rest of the cleaning product. No. His mum had found the bottle, but had no idea that it was filled with his camp . He quickly chucked it in the outside bin and never asked her whether she'd actually added it to the laundry or not. Um and no, I don't know why he didn't just use a tissue . What I want to know is would you call off the wedding if you found out this about your fiance ? That no sorry, why is he never spoken about the fact Cum looks exact Softener . It's literally the same consistency, the same colour, the same texture, not the same smell. That is fucking hilarious. That is hilarious. I just don't understand. Like that is so much wanking. That is so much years and years and years of wanks in a bottle. Into a fabric softener. The mum as well pouring it. Oh my god. Also, also you're at that age when you first study you're doing it quite a lot. I think that's so funny and I would not call off a wedding for that. I would probably say it in the speech. Not your speech, but the best man should say that in the speech, right? What would you call the wedding off for then? Um if you were like still breastfeeding on your mum. I wouldn't want you to still be ranking into a fabric conditioner bottle at this age. If you if you came into the room because it was when he was younger, right? Okay, but if you came into the room now, into our bedroom and I was wanking into a fabric softener, what would you do? I'd be really withered out. I'm really upset. I'd be very I don't want I don't wouldn't want to see you having a wank now. What do you think it would look like? Well I know what it'd look like, but I wouldn't want to see you having a wank to like I presuming you'd be wanking over something, right? Just like oh god, I can't really talk about it. Yeah, that's a good like some sort of troll in the corner . Hunched over. Get out, Jeffy! Get out Okay, come on, read one to me. Okay, I've got a wild birth story from Katie. Alright. I wanted to share my birth story for the podcast. When I was 19, four days from the due date of my first daughter, I started feeling quite unwell. So I called 111 who sent a paramedic to come and check on me. When he arrived, he said, No, you're fine and advised me to go to the hospital where my waters break. Myself and my partner went to bed, but I woke up in the night with contractions. My waters hadn't broken, so we just called my mum over and sat watching Harry Potter while timing my contracti ons. I then got a sudden urge to go for a poof so quickly, I made my way to the toilet. And when I looked down and saw this round bump coming out of my vagina, my mum came in and said, Oh my god, get on the floor, the baby is coming out, and shouted to my partner, call 999. Cut to a few minutes later, I've got a community weird drive between my legs, a paramedic stood in the bath, my mum sat on the toilet and my partner squashed in under the sink, looking as pale as a goes. My waters didn't break until she was nearly out, but she was absolutely perfect and healthy. The paramedics in Izzy and Anne and my midwife were fantastic and were so grateful to them. It was Izzy's first bath on the job. I've attached a picture of them with baby Elo ise for you. Best of luck on your parenting journey. Oh my god . Sweetness. Can I just stand? Wait, can I just understand? So that happens. That happens. Well I told you, yeah. That's what it felt like you need to push, but it feels like you just need to push out a poo. Into the loo. Well that's why I took a photo. 'Cause famously I know midway through I thought I've always been told it feels like you need to do a poo. So what if this is in fat my baby coming out? Okay, I've got one from Anonymous. You ready for this? It's a wild story. Hi Jamie and Sophie. I'm so happy to have the podcast back. I wanted to share a funny story with you. When I was 18, I was staying at my nan's for the weekend and had my new boyfriend over while she was out at bingo. Neither of us had had sex before, and I thought the house was empty, which was the perfect opportunity. I bought candles, opened some wine and things were actually going surprisingly well. But just as things were getting frisky on the sofa, we heard our keys at the front door. In the pure panic of us trying to get dressed he pulled the half used condom off and shoved it down the side of the armrest. By the time my nan walked into the living room we were fully clothed, and as far as I could tell, it just looked like we were having a date night. He went home soon after and I thought nothing more of it. That was until about a week later when my parents got a call on the house phone. Oh my god. Turns out Nan hosts a weekly book club with some of her friends. That night, one of them dropped a pen in between the sofa cushion, instead of retrieving it, pulled out our we ak old condom. Why would you call the parents? Why thankfully my nan saw the funny side and loves to bring it up at every family occasion possible, much to my embarrassment. Her friends didn't quite find it funny then apparently she's not hosted a book club at our house since so upsetting. It out, fish it out. Because you would forget, wouldn't you? I wouldn't. You would do it, would you not? I would not forget that my dirty boyfriend's condom is down the side of my Nan's sofa. I would lie in bed thinking about it. Like I need to get up and go and take that away from her. Okay . Give me another one, I think. I got one from Beth. So excited for you to be back and congratulations to your gorgeous new baby. I wanted to share my own story of becoming a parent with you. During my first scan with my first baby, the doctors discovered that I had ovarian cancer. At 15 weeks pregnant, I had an operation to remove the tumor, my fallopian tube and ovary. Luckily, everything was fine, and I delivered a healthy baby boy at 37 weeks. Congratulations. We desperately wanted another baby, but after three years of unsuccessful attempts, I was told that because of the cancer and other fertility problems, I absolutely couldn't get pregnant again naturally. Whilst we were deciding what to do next, my sister told me that we should just get married, as it as it was what we wanted, but we'd been putting it off. And think about the baby situation later. I got off the phone to my sister and booked a wedding immediately. Two weeks later I found out that I was already pregnant. We got married when I was thirty-five weeks pregnant and I delivered a healthy baby girl at 37 weeks by C section. Three years later I had another baby girl put completing our power for little family. Now seventeen years down the line my babies are growing up into incredible young adults. Sadly, my sister passed away in May after a very sudden and aggressive cancer diagnosis . I was with her for the duration of her illness, and your podcast has got me through the most difficult of times of my life. So I wanted to thank you both. Beth, I'm so sorry. Oh, Beth. Your sister. Beth, we s'endreing you so much love. So much love and congratulations on your three beautiful children. We adore you, Beth. And we love you. We love you. Listen, guys, the all of those stories are amazing. Thank you so so much. Now we love hear ing your stories. Okay, and we really want to make listeners' messages a huge part of newly parents, don't we? So please, please, please send us messages to share on the podcast. You can be anonymous. You can also send us a voice note, our number Send us an email, newlyparents at jump upproductions.co dot uk . We will respond. We will see them and we would love to hear from you. Send us all of the stories. Anything at all. We want to hear from you. That's the end of listener's messages . Well, how you feeling? As sleepy as an old goat. You're as sleepy as an old goat. By the way, speaking of goats, I'm not even kidding you, we we haven't spoken about what noises our baby makes. Ziggy makes like all these noises. When Ziggy first came home when you fed him milk through your breast, do you remember he glugged with an American accent ? Do you remember this? When he used to go Yeah, it was. Jamie was I can hear his tone of his voice. I was like, he's two days old and he's not making a noise. He's drinking. Honey, he was he was he was drinking with an American accent. What noise what voice do you think he has now? Do an American accent. No. No. No, no. No. Do an American Hello, my name's Sophie. Go, go, go . It was like That's what it was. He used to go Do you hear the American tw ang guys? That and he also would sound like a goat. Yeah. The whole time. I was like, what's that noise? No one warns you these things. You think the baby's only gonna wake you up and be noisy when they're crying. No. They don't. They're never tired. Throughout the night, it doesn't stop. Nothing ever My son. I mean Mike say my son. I go and J May go, my son, and he's like he's our son. He's like, I need to go look after my son. I'm like I can't. Right, listen, my son's legs, he's literally tries to do a backflip. Yeah, he it it's like a whale's tail that comes up. Yeah. He's so advanced. Alright, listen, ladies and gentlemen, it's time now for the judgment jar. The judgment jar is very simple. It's where we have something that I've done or you've done that have annoyed us in the week, and we're going to try and talk about it without arguing and then put it into the jar and move on. Very simple judgment jar. Okay, you get it? Yeah. So this week, Sophie Hab oo, you get to write on your little card and put it in the jar what has annoyed you that I have done. Are you ready for this? I'm super ready. Let's go. Oh, you've really written yours down. Go on then. Spill it. No arguing. That's the rule. Stinky yogurt bowl . It's so vile. It gives me the egg. I really am over the yogurt bowl after every single meal. Sorry, it doesn't give me the egg. That's so mean. After I have my food, I have a bowl of yogurt and that icks you out. The yogurt bowl, I can't explain it. It's like the bowl comes it's like I'm still finishing a carrot. Like the carrot is in my mouth. He's like, gotta get my yogurt bowl. The bowl's out. I'm like, fucking hell, relax. How excited did you get for that yogurt bowl? Yeah, every day. And explain what's in my yogurt bowl. Yoghurt. Falsey, I actually just think it's wasted calories because I don't think this would be tasty. I'm like, if you're gonna do it, do it properly. It's yogurt. Then he puts some stupid jelly in it. Yeah, delicious jelly. With sour sour Greek yogurt. Yeah. And then he puts those f chalky covered frozen raspberries, which are banging, but like eat them on their own because