Final Advice for Dads

Oh Hey The lady who has a podcast who you call Dad Ward because She doesn't mind embarrassing herself. So now you are mine. Hey, let's talk about dads. Who are they What do they do And in the words of many, many patrons who wrote in with questions, why do so many of them suck so bad How did the good ones get it right And we're going to find out, hop in the backseat, let's examine patternology about dads You horse around back there I'll turn this podcast around But first, let's indeed thank those patrons for all the sweet and funny questions you send. And if you'd like to submit yours before we record an episode, you can join the fam at patreon. com Soashologies for one hot dollar a month supports us. Also, if you do have little ones, we have smallologgies. Those are shorter, kid friendly, G rated episodes. We put into their own feed, available to subscribe for free, wherever you get podcasts, just look for smallmologgies SM O L O GIS. 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So that's strawberry d.mE slash olologies. It's like therapy for your career. Okay, so this one time I booked a vacation rental for my husband's entire family. and it wasn't until after the trip was over that they told me a few of the windows didn't open and one of the beds collapsed I was on the wrong app. Verbo has a loved by guest search filter for their top rated vacation rentals with near perfect ratings for cleanliness and location and all the good stuff. So no surprises, what you see is exactly what you get. Search clickot book today on the Verbo app. If you know, you Verbo. terms apply. seeee erbo dot com slash trust for details Okay, patternology it comes from the Greek for potater father Don't get it twisted with pology which is the study of God the Father in a holy churchy way. But capapital T, capital P, the patriarchy also comes obviously from the same rooute, the rule of the Father, which many anthropologists trace the patriarchy to an envy of motherhood and creation Patriarchy deserves its own episode, but let's crack into this can of worms about dadhood with an absolutely brilliant, highly lauded clinical and research psychologist and USC professor of psychology, who runs a lab Nest dedicated to studying family systems and specifically how dynamics and stress and hormones change with parenthood their focus. and I've been hunting them down for years. They're my neighbor They live literally three blocks over. So they just came to my home studio with my small poodle mut Gmmy snoozing in the corner to chat about fatherhood, the industrial revolution, male hormones during pregnancy and after. what defines a good dad? Diaper changing, division of labor, Dad Bod's, gorillas toxic masculinity, and their new excellent book rain the new science of fatherhood and how it shapes men's lives. You can get your hands on it, get it as a gift, for a dad, for your spouse, for yourself. So essentially this book is valuable for anyone who was the result of a sperm and an egg. I genuinely think the more fathers who have this book, the better world we can make. So without further hype, let's get into it with Author researcher, psychologist and patternologist, Dr. Darby Saxby Thank you again so much for doing this. No, my pleasure. My sister, by the way, is a super fan. She loves your show. She was so excited that I was gonna be on it She listens to it all the time. Cat Oh my God. I'm glad that she could vouch for us because sometimes You worry that people are like Is this someone Just talking to dolls in the basement, you know? but for an introduction Darbie Saxby, she hers. I've been interested in talking to you and people from your lab for literal years. Can you describe some of the research that goes on there? Definitely. Yeah. So I run a lab called the Neuroendrcronology of Social Ties So the acronym is the Nest lab. and Nest is kind of like an apt metaphor because we're very interested in familyamily relationships. and stress and how people connect with each other. And we've been studying specifically the transition to parenthood over the last fifteen years or so So we have this long running longitudinal study where we bring couples into the lab when they're expecting their first child And we follow them across the first postpartum year. So we are looking at their brains We're looking at their hormones. We're looking at how they talk to each other And you can also see her twenty eighteen paper, The Birth Experiences questuestionnaire, a brief measure assessing psychosocial dimensions of childbirth It was in the Journal of Family Psychology. And it's a ten item questionnaire measuring stress and fear and partner support during birth and it looks at prenatal stress and anxiety and social support to try to predict how the adjustment into parenthood is going to go. And Dr. Saxby's lab has also found that something called meaning making or how a birth story is related or remembered can predict relationship strength down the line So what stories you tell about it Did you have a kid that's disrupting your norm or did you become a dad So very interested in how people relate to each other And sort of what that portends when a couple transitions into this new reality of parenthood And that's a major role shift. Yeah. And we hear a lot about motherhood And everything from birth trauma to intergenerational trauma and how taxing it is on the body and womomen's maybe disproportionate roles in raising kids. and I thought it was so fascinating that you wrote your book, Dad Brain about fatherhood And I feel like Is that not studied as much Definitely not. Okay. One of the first things I did when I was starting to work on the book is I just did like a pub med search. It's like if I say maternal and then I say paternal How many articles am I going to pull up? And the ratio was like ten to one And you know, it's interesting because biomedical research, as I'm sure you know, is actually male biased. O course. Like there are way more studies of men's hearts of men's lungs, of men's brains The lab animals we use are mostly male. But when it comes to parenthood specifically, and looking at parent child bonding the work is almost exclusively focused on moms And it's interesting because dads are actually participating a lot more in childcare. So we've seen these generational changes where men are reporting more time spent with kids compared to their fathers, their grandfathers, like We've seen this huge uptick, but the research has not totally caught up to that How much of your research has to be done studying social media and how people identify and what narratives they tell at least publicly. Do you even have to dip into that? Yeah, no. I don't formally look at social media but as a human I do. Yeah. and I'm like There is this really crazy rise of like the mom influencer and like the parenting culture on social media, which I think is actually kind of bonkers. I think a lot of it is designed to stoke anxiety in women It's like, if you Put your kitten time out, you're causing brain damage or If you let them cry before they fall asleep, you know, it's child abuse. And so there is this stress level that I think a lot of new parents have. And that's another reason why I want to talk about dads and get dads more into the picture because Moms are isolated and struggling and They need more helpers. And now you've got two teenage children, right? Yes. for fifteen years studying this and your children are about that age. Did it coincide with like? Oh man, I'm popping out some babies I better figure out The science bondes Totally. Yeah. Yeah, like Me search. Yeah, research is me search And it was true that so I was a postdoc when I had my kids and I thought I was the best prepared person on the planet because I studied family relationships as a grad student. I had been part of this huge study at UCLA called The Center for Everyday Lives of famamilies. We followed families around their homes And we tracked what they were doing, and I measured their cortisol And so I'd been watching parents and kids interact I was like, I'm an expert. This willll be a snap And then we had kids and both my husband and I were just like totally rocked by that and struggling with Sleep deprivation and confusion about what we were supposed to be doing and feeling totally enough. And I was like, if I'm as well resourced as an academic And this is still hard for me. This is a really interesting nexus to focus on because it is This big sea change for a lot of people. What surprised you the most? Was it the sleep deprivation? Was it like the overstimulation? What was it Yeah, I think it was sleep deprivation and then also just like the fact that you can't just put a baby down and walk away. It's like it never like the switch doesn't ever really flip off. Like actuallyually the thing that surprised me most is when you're breastfeeding, especially with a really new baby, you have to do it like every two hours. There's just no off button you find that resentment builds from that because the birthing parent is like This succubus in me for like a year. This beautiful angel that I can't wait to meet that's also draining my life fluids continues to and Do you find I would be resentful as hell, even though there's nothing biologically necessarily that could be done. But is that part of the friction in the couples? Definitely. Okay. Like Mom has a big head start in a lot of ways. If it's a biological pregnancy, she has felt the baby kicking and has this relationship already developed And then the baby comes out is dependent on her for food And I think dads often feel like a third wheel. They're not sure how to be involved. Mom is exhausted and already feeling like she's doing too much We actually did a study about this in my lab where we brought the pregnant couples in and asked them to map out plan to divide baby care, then we brought them back after the baby's birth did the same scale And in every case, moms were doing more after birth than the couple predicted. So and that's not it's like, It was surprising to us as researchers, but every single mom I've talked to about this is like, that's the least surprising thing I've ever done. R? Because you can have these beautifully egalitarian intentions There are some biological realities in the early months. And so I think it can be challenging for dads to fully participate unless the couple is really proactive about it. And part of the Forward to your book you obviously had an acknowledgement that a lot of the roles are cisgender and heteroc couples. When you're doing your research, how do you figure out which demographics to study and which underrepresented groups to include how or even just the wording around it. Yeah, it's a great question. I mean, it's a really important question because there are all these gaps in our research and so much parenting research, like I said is focused on moms, but even more of it is focused on cisgeendered heterosexual parents So Darby says that to really study something in depth, you need good sample sizes. And this first research was to hone in on cisgender heterocples because there's just such a lack of info there when it comes to fatherhood. And then further down the line at some point to gather large enough sample sizes to include a range of genders and types of partnerships in parenting And for gender roles and identities, I think you'll love the neuroendocrinology episode with Dr. Daniel Fau, and we'll also link a Pide page with some excellent episodes from LGBTQ IA plus oologists that we love. But for these rounds on Paternity They went wide in other ways We are very lucky to have a lab in LA because we were able to get a really ethnically socioeconomically racially diverse What about the anthropology of how children were raised. It's changed so much even in fifty years, in sixty years. and then pre industrial revolution and maybe the loss of multi generational housing What kind of role have fathers had historically? It's actually changed a lot and For ninety five percent of human history, We lived like hunter gatherers So we were foraging, occasionally hunting Women actually brought in more calories than men in many societies And so you know the whole sort of like when people say like working mothers are unnatural, it's like, no, mothers have always worked. and in fact, they've been major generators of income, calories, resources And so the model in hunter gatherer Societies is a lot of cooperative care It's like alo parenting, which is cooperative breeding, like we are all collectively raising kids And Darby tells me that in some hunter gatherer societies like the ACA and the Congo, fathers are within arms's reach of babies about forty seven percent of the day. and they hunt and socialize with them in their arms or on their back. Some dads even let babies suck their man nipples for comfort. But agrarian models of living, starting back around ten thousand years ago and then the Industrial Revolution starting the mid seventeen hundreds changed the game. Like most humans were subsistence farmers who were just growing what they ate. Yeah. Mom, dad and kids are all working together, right? Again, like moms are working kids are working too. Yeah. Everybody's working Yeah together at home And then once you industrialize, you have this separate domain which is the workplace where someone has to physically go out and earn money. Interestingly, the first factory workers were women, like the mill girls, like the lowell textile mills in Massachusetts Women were considered better factory workers because they were more expendable. They weren't needed at home on the farm because they weren't working as hard as the men. Oh wow. So they went to factories. That sucked for them because the factories were exploitative and had bad conditions. And then ultimately, like unionization happened, wages rose, men started being the ones that worked outside the home And so we kind of did this weird social experiment where like work became men's thing and home became women's thing. Yeah. And women were the primary caregivers of kids. I think like you hear all this talk about how that's the natural order of things with neotraditional Gender roles, tradwives, all of that. Yeah. And it's like, this is like one hundred and fifty year blip. Woof. This is not actually our most normal configuration. Yeah So ale parenting is natural. commommunity members taking care of and helping raise children who are not their offspring, be it aunts or uncles or friends or grandparents or neighbors. And for anyone who thinks that maternity leave is time away from work, Think again, it's work. It's just unpaid. And birthing parents have always worked, even while pregnant and postpartum. but jobs that you clock in for to get paid a resource to trade for other resources, evolutionarily speaking, that's pretty brand new or I should ask Culturally, did you ever interface with the Jerry Springer show? Yes It's a two year old aJ Collins, You are not I it J reminded me that was Mauri Povich, that was not Jerry Springer, so no emails you are not The father. This notion of people getting out of Paternity I feel like seems antithetical to our anthropology because it seems like We are wired to reproduce at some males, I feel like are thought of as like sire as many of your genetics and then you come to like got out of that kind of a situation just by virtue of genetics. but There been a change in dad's willingness to actually raise a child versus just father one over the last, you know, decade or so. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think if you look at time diary data like big studies of You know, like the American Time You study You see men are spending more time with kids than previous generations and they're reporting that they enjoy it. Oh Oh well that's something. Especially after the pandemic I think there was this shift in our feelings about work. I think a lot of people like Millennials, G Z started thinking like I don't want my life to be my job, right? It's like a different mentality from the boomers. And they're like, I want to have time at home with my kids And so I think it's a value shift as well. But that said, there's a lot of variability around this, right? Because like And this is interesting, like the time trends really track with education, which is like a new thing That's a new disparity So the most educated affluent dads are the ones that are spending the most time with kids. And it's the non college men who are actually spending less time with kids than non college men of previous generations. So there is a little bit of a divide that's emerging in how men are kind of showing up as parents And does that socioeconomic divide justust like if you are making less money, you have to work more in order to put food on the table and to pay for gas and to pay for insurance and all of that Is there more hustling that happens? I think that's a big part of it because we also have this gig economy, right? where people are maybe patching together multiple jobs, so you don't always have the stability. But it's also intensive parenting culture We have gone from your job as a parent is just to keep kids alive T your job is to curate kids' experiences run their extracurricular schedule, demise their learning, right? And so like both moms and dads are spending more time on childcare than they did in previous generations. Yeah. So I think that's part of it too. and it's the more affluent parents that are the most intensive and the most Invested. Let's pack my daughter's lunch. Today she's having a caviar flight Sinis, cream cheese, smoked salmon and fresh figs for dessert It seems like so much pressure to line up a preschool before you have even given birth and so many extracurriculars and it's so hard to get into college. I mean, there's a reason why my daughter is so hairy and small and a dog. I'm just like I don't think I can handle it. Yeah. For me, like motherhood didn't resonate. I'm like I feel like I'd be an okay dad, but I don't know if I would be a good mom would just get overwhelmed and drop the ball on permission slips and dance classes and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm a better dad than I am a mom. I'm lucky because I have a husband with a flexible schedule who actually does a lot. but I definitely resonate and I think a lot of moms feel like that. Like if I could just be the fun parent and sort of swoop in like be the traditional dad. Yeah. that's actually a really great role. And yeah, hence So thank you for being my kids, even though I don't pay your child support. But I long to support you in other ways Why do we want to be d? Why do you and I want to be dads? mom? So it's a mix of biology and culture, right?. So like We know that Men, and you see this even in primates tend to be more active physical playmates with kids Even gorillas will like, you, pick kids up, chase them around, be like it's called propriousceptive touch, moving a baby around in space if you think about tossing a toddler up in the air and catching them So I think a lot of human men gravitate to that style of parenting as well, like rough housing. And that's really great for kids. Kids really like that style and I think they learn from it. they learn better risk tolerance, like it's psychologically healthy to engage in that kind of play But it's also socialization in the sense that we judge mothers so much more then we judge fathers. And if anything goes wrong with a kid, if they show up in mismatched socks or they donon't have their permission slip, it's like mom's fault. Yeah. And so I think that's changing. L as men are participating more in childcare, Gen Z men are increasingly likely to say they will make doctor's appointments for kids. They will check kids' homework. They will do some of the mental load stuff that traditionally has been like mom's domain. Yeah, which is I'm not even a parent and that pisses me off because I'm like, you won't you didn't make doctor's appointments. L I've heard stories of people being called as an emergency contact and they're like, we couldn't get a hold of M mom. And it's like ub. Dad I'm in a meeting like you call that I feel like the bar is like, did your dad show up and acknowledge that you were his He did a great job, you know, but whereas women have to be like Is the food organic, but you're not too pushy with it. You can be an almond mom, but you also can't feed them Cheetos for lunch. But yeah, for dads it does seem like he hugged me and what a great dad. I'm wondering too, what starts chemically when birth happens? You talk about dad brain. is there sympathy weight gain that starts ahead of time, where does fatherhood start? Yeah. So there's a lot going on under the hood for dads. I think Because pregnancy can be so visible on a woman's body, we're like, oh, of course, she's totally transformed. We don't often think about that for men that their hormones are also changing, their brains are also changing So you know, in my lab, we've looked at things like testosterone, which changes in men around the birth of a baby up or down. It tends to drop. Okay. And that is not at all unique to humans. Bird males. drop in testosterone, rodents, primates, like biparental mammals, you see these reproductively linked changes in testosterone seems adaptive. Brain structure changes, so the brain loses gray matter volume And that has been seen in both moms and in dads And so there's this conserved kind of parental brain that seems to be streamlining, getting more efficient And for more on this, you can see the chapter in her book titled The Incredible Srinking Father Brain, which details that scans pre and post baby in fathers show that two separate groups of men in separate studies showed areas of brain shrinkage suggesting that they lost brain volume between the prenatal and the postpartum scans And the volume loss occurred in that gray matter. That's the type of brain tissue that contains neuron cell bodies, she writes, and it continues. Strikingly, we're seeing volume loss in parts of the brain that engage in what neuroscientists call mentalizing, which is thinking about others' minds. doctor Saxby continues that losing gray matter may sound worrisome, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing. signal ing s she writes, eliminating the weaker connections to increase efficiency. And she offers this analogy that if you've ever watched a long meandering director's cut of your favorite film and you wish for the faster paced theatrical version, then you appreciate the value of a good edit. A tighter, leaner story is easier to follow.an bra may also work faster and more efficiently. A new parent's brain, she says, has to manage many new mental inputs so a more efficient processing system is an advantage. And yes, adult brains can change. they're not as was once assumed I think what's happening for men is more like an experience dependent plasticity. Whereas for women, it's more like you have this hormonal cascade that is potentiating some of these changes What would be the evolutionary advantage of losing your dominant sex hormone a degree and having your brain drrink. like it seems like you werere really the opposite Yes, I wrestled with this with my editor when I was writing this book because I'm like, I want to sellmen on parenting. Yeah It's like, wait You know, but I think there are some benefits later in life. But so the testosterone actually does really tie into reproductive strategy. So like some of the early work was on birds Birds show high testosterone at the start of a breeding season because they need to be out there looking for mates, right And then once you've successfully madeated And it's time to hatch testosterone drops Because it's somewhat costly for the body to maintain high testosterone, like it costs your immune system. It's taxing And you don't really need it if you have already completed mating. U, right? And in humans too, like, it shifts depending on your strategy. If your goal is to have as many offspring as possible, like you just want to spread your seed. as widely as you can You want jacked up tea, right? because you want to be out there like competing for status looking for mates. Yeah Now we have this kind of more modern version of parethood that's high investment and high nurturing And so it's less about quantity and it's more about quality. Right. Like we want to put our resources into just a couple kids Who will survive to adulthood As opposed to like just trying to max out the numbers, right kind of like play the odds. Did that change with different types of birds? like, you know how some birds, they hatchge, they're going to go day two. And then there's others that are these weird pink, wrinkly ballsacks with mouths and they take like a wild to even get feathers. L did that change with the birds were okay, this is a different kind of investment Totally. So there's it's altricial versus pre kosial. So the pre kial birds Shoot which wouldnt make sense because they're precocious and they're like, I'm ready to go. Yes, right? Yeah, exactly. It's like I think it's them. and like they just come out they're walking and they're talking and they're just doing everything. Yeah. And then you have these like, you said, these like pink little ball sacks. They can't feed themselves, they can't ambulate, like they need a lot of extra time to kind of cook. And that's when you need that more intensive parental care. Yeah. So yeah, like in our human babies, like we are one of the most altricial species, right? because We come out super unready to go anywhere. Yeah. We cannot even like turn over. Yeah So you need round the clock care in order to survive as a human baby, which means like it's too much work for a single person, right? It's too much for just a mom to do Human beings are not like fish just shooting a j' cannon into the water and praying to make a thousand million babies so a few survive. And if you do have like a fish dad, blew a load and then drifted off to the horizon. I'm sorry. You deserve to be within his reach at least forty seven percent in the time What do you think defines a dad. What do you think defines fatherly behavior Like of all the traits Yeah, it's a good question. I mean, so There's like there's dadas in genetic contributor of material, right? Yeah. Then there's sort of like active parent, which is like the hands on dad. And so my book is mostly focused on that But I would say like if you think about what is a good dad, is somebody who is sensitive, who's nurturing who is protective Wh looks out for the vulnerable all traits that I would actually say are qualities of a good man. Like not just qualities of a good dad. Do you feel like when People are looking for mates And maybe they're thinking in the back of their head like I would like someone who might be like a good dad Like, what types of things are courording behaviors versus like actual Yeah. It's a good question. like are men just pretending T be sensitive and caring I know it's tricky because we send confusing reproductive signals. Yeah I think some women are drawn to men that are really aggressive and competitive and those might not be the traits that actually map beautifully onto beinging patient with a little baby. But then again, we also like, and there are all these examples from like fish Pimates, frogs Females are drawn to males that actually are taking care of offspring becausecause I think it's actually like we're smart and we know that If he's doing a good job, then that's going to increase our own reproductive odds. Yeah, right? In the book in the Dad bod chapter, I talk about how actually Wen like dad bods.. Like if you survey women, they like half of them will say like dad bods are better than a six pack. Yeah Can we define a dad bod? So I would say like softly muscled but not like ripped. Uh. So it it's not necessarily like a Homer Simpson bod, right? It's like a sort of larger softer body That's so funny because if I see guys who are like three percent body fat and veins bulging out of every muscle. I think spepending a lot of time in the gym And their meals are probably more about protein shakes than like sitting down to S and Yaki and a candle and dinner, you know what I mean? Like Yeah, I have these biases where I'm like, jack is too jacked. I think about the lifestyle behind it Which is funny. Okay, so this dad bod as a physical archetype sauntered up to the fire pit about ten years ago, popularized by then college student Mackenzie Pearson in this viral essay titled Why Girls loveove the Dad Bod. If your man can rock the Dad bod He's a keeper. One might say this is the seminal text But what is a dad bod? Do I have one I asked your friend, Wikipedia, and it described it as the physique of a man who was once athletic or moderately fit, but now has a beer belly or spare tire while the arms, legs, and chest are usually in relatively good shape. So like a front dump truck, but you got to check your visceral fat boys because that's a predictor for some health problems down the line. The worst dad is a good dad who becomes a dead dad, notot to bring it down, my friend. Speaking of friends though partartners Loves of your lives Is there a kind of alienation that's to be overcome where you do feel like suddenly you were maybe best friends with your partner and now Her BFF, she's never been more in love with, you know, just starry eyed, not necessarily limerance, but obsessed biologically with this child What is that alienation like Yeah, and I think that's one reason that relationship satisfaction drops in new parents, right? We know it's this big risk factor for couple satisfaction. How dads navigate that depends, I think, on maybe what their expectations are and sort of their own just ability to get in there and you know, help and get to know the baby too. But I think it can become really challenging for some men who then almost feel competitive with the baby. Yeah. Like my partner suddenly isn't looking at me like I'm number one Yeah, what advice or what types of therapies or strategies are good for soothing that or overcoming it. Yeah, I mean, you can do couples therapy in advance of a birth and there's some research that suggests that's helpful. because it's just like couples need to work on their communication skills. They need to figure out like suddenly you're going to have more responsibilities on your plate. like How do you divide up household labor? Inventions that help couples talk about these issues can be really valuable. And also like postpartum depression is not just a mom thing. Men can experience it too. and new dads have higher prevalence of depression than men at other times in the lifespan. So Men may also benefit not just from couples' therapy, but from their own therapy either before or after birth. Like you just want to catch those issues, I think before They turn into problems And if you're like, hey, do you know how much time and money it takes to raise this little monkey that I have. Thrapy In this economy Here are some alternatives. You could start a group thread with your friends who are dads. You can hop on a message board, read and write about your experience. You can start a book club with other parents. You can reach out to elders who matter to you. You can even look for community parenting classes or seminars or support groups That time investment researchers F will make you a better dad. Your kid will be happier everyone in their life will benefit, including your partner, if you have one and you That postpartum depression, I'm wondering I can understand the hormones and the chemicals in you know, a mom and a birthing parent, but when it comes to the fathers, is that also purely neurotransmitter levels or is that partly like grieving the life that you had? have your a different identity now? Is it more situational? Yeah, I think it's all of the above. Okay. Right. And it is for moms too, right? Its Moms, we know there are these big hormone shifts that can increase risk But we also know that moms are grappling with like a new social role, new identity, this new set of responsibilities. It's a perfect storm. It's like stress Chomo chage, brain change Sleep deprivation You know, just like changing routines, like you're not exercising as often, you're not seeing friends as often So people can also get isolated. You know, what's funny? I was talking to a guy Cfe down the street. Yeah we probably have both been. I'd probably see you there. Yeah,. He had a great laptop egg And he was maybe a little bit older than me. And I said, that's a great bag. And he said, Oh, thanks. It's from Portland Leather. And I was like, well cool heard of them, you know. And he said, I used to be a big fan of theirs. and then I got an email from them, never will buy from them again. And I was like, what did it say? And he said, Well, it said Trigger warning Happy Father's Day to everyone who celebrates and he was so as a dad, he was so offended that there was a trigger warning for Father's Day, but they wouldn't have that for Mother's Day. And I was like, well Probably a little bit of like a marketing, you know, kind of like internet speak And these are a lot of social media posts that are like, Happy Mother's Day Hay M'say And then Father's Day, it's sometimes I see posts that are like Happy Father's Day to my mom, who really handled all the shit. There seems to be so much trauma around fatherhood from adult children, where is that coming from Yeah, I mean, I think culturally we are really in flux, right? Like Our understanding of masculinity has shifted a lot over the last few generations our understanding of men's and women's social roles And I think the traditional father that a lot of us had was a guy who was pretty checked out maybe absent. Maybe hands off I write about in my book, I had an unusual experience because my dad became like a primary caregiver after my parents got divorced. Yeah. So I kind of got to see him go through a little bit of a transformation of his own. But I think that's atypical. And then it's like contemporary parents are trying to figure it out in this more egalitarian way that can also lead to a lot of struggle. So It's just easy for people to disparage dads. And I mean, I'm kind of with that guy. like let's celebrate good dads and not just like make it this thing that we're like all kind of mad about. Yeah. And I have so many questions from Listeners, can I fire some off at you? please. They had great ones. And before we get there, we will take a quick break for sponsors of the show. none of whom are Portland leeather did try to reach out to their marketing team. I didn't get a response on LinkedIn. The main corporate number was disconnected, couldouldn't figure out a way to reach them. Did I even look for the cell number of the marketing director and text it to no avail? I did. Did I check who their spouse was on Instagram and think about messaging? I also did. Anyway, couldn't get hold of them. But I will say a lot of email marketing campaigns these days allow folks to opt out of Mothererss and Father's Day promo emails just becausecause they're emotionally charged. So that's likely what's behind it I spent hours on this for no reason, but I did find an article with an interview from the company's, let's just say, outspokenly confident CEO. was asked if he had a story from childhood that he'd like to attribute his success to. And he said Absolutely not Maybe there are too many good stories Maybe he has dad trauma. I'm not sure. Let's give some money away though. So this week, Darby shows Homeboy Industries and Homeboy Industries, love them. It's the world's largest reentry organization for formerly gang involved and previously incarcerated people, serving more than ten thousand people annually. Their program provides comprehensive social services and job training and helps people heal from intergenerational complex trauma They say whether it's access to tattoo removal, educational classes, case management, mental health or housing services, or yes parenting programs for Dad and Darby works with them for those. Homeboy Iustries transforms lives through healing, love and community. Also, if you're ever at LAX in Terminal three, gate thirty three Pay a visit to Homeboy Cafe benefits and nonprofit. alsoso great sandwiches. Thank you to sponsors of the show for making that donation possible This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you haven't heard me gushing about Squarespace for years, it's an all in one website platform. Whether you're trying to grow a business you have or if you're just a baby business getting started, it has everything you need. That's where I secured my domain name and helped me build a professional site. I can update it so easily. 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That's ritual dot com d sllash aologies for twenty five percent off your first month This is the life I planned This is the life I have. A job, crazy schedule, kids, but I still want to better my career. getet my degree, makeake my kids proud At Thomas Edison State University, we know you can't pause your life to move forward, so we help you earn your degree online with flexible schedules built for real life. L yours Thomas Edison State University, the university that works for you To learn more. Visit tSu. edu. Ryan Reynolds here from MidMobile, with a message for everyone paying Big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just fifteen dollars a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. ain one judgment. Anyway Give it a try at midmobile d. com slash switch. Upfront payment of forty dollars for three month plan, equivalent to fifteen dollars per month required, intro rate for three months only, then full price plan options available tax and fees extra. Sful terms at MintMobile dot com You know that thing where you get an amazing pair of shoes at a really great price? I want to tell everyone about it So do we? ere at Designerhoe Warehouse. We'll give you something to brag about like the latest styles from Brainsy Love, or the trends everyone's obsessing over, or shoes that make you feel like Well, you. So go ahead, show off a little. Find shoes to get you but prices to get your budget. That's your DSW store or dsw d. com today. DSW Let us surprise you Okay, let's talk about what makes a good dad with your questions via patreon. com slash allologies. There ares so many good ones Actually, the first listener question we're breaking form. It isn't from Patreon but it actually came by text I actually asked on my family group chat if anyone had questions about fatherhood and my brother in law, Steve said what are some key factors or qualities of a father that are most needed to raise healthy and successful children And is any of that dependent on the goodness or badness of their own Dad. H Hi, Steve. That's a great question Do think that one's relationship with one's own parents does kind of provide us with scripts that can either be helpful or not helpful. L I have a chapter in the book where I talk about men who had traumatic childhoods and like how much extra work that takes to kind of like show up as a good dad If men care and invest their time and energy they can break those cycles So in terms of what makes for a good dad, I think it's not dissimilar from what makes for a good mom, it's like, Consistency caring being present It doesn't have to mean always knowing the right answer or always being perfect or fulfilling kids every need. R? Like there's this concept of the good enough mother in psychology, which is that it's actually like No one can ever be a perfect mother. That is great to hear. And it's not even great for kids to have a perfect mother because it's where a mother falls short that kids learn their own autonomy, right? Like they have to develop their own solutions when moms don't fulfill their every need. Yeah. And I think that's true for fathers too. L it's less about being perfect person and it's more about working hard enough and caring enough that your kid sees you showing up really consistently. And I say in the book, like great fathers are made not born. It's like of caregiving as this like innately wired Great And it's really more like a skill that we learn and that we deevelop through practice And through time And so it's kind of up to us to decide if we want to make that investment. And if we do, then I think our kids see that and appreciate that that we're trying. Yeah. What are some qualities that your husband has He's very chill, he's patient He's been a recording engineer for a long time. so he's worked with bands, which I think is a really good quality. Yeah for being a father because, you know, he can like gently correct a band without antagonizing them. or like give suggestions, but like still preserve a good relationship. So he's kind of like the guy that like he taught our daughter how to drive. like He coaches our son's baseball team. like he's kind of a natural teacher. And I think that's a good quality. He does a lot around the house and he was raised in a really traditional family. like his mom was a stay at home mom. His dad worked a lot and he like I guess had the good or ill fortune to marry someone who was really career oriented. Yeah. So we've kind of had to figure out our own dynamic, which has taken time. But I would say like he does as much if not more with the kids as I do, which is Really great So trying matters. And what if you're a dad and you see this little critter you made or made a choice to raise and you want to get to know them A lot of folks, Mimi, Addie Capello, Maria Chay, Ranger France, wanted to know Maybe asked, what are some of the most important things dads can and should do to bond with their kids? Ranger wanted to know, is skin to skin bonding at birth? father beneficial. to the newborn and When it comes to oxytocin and things like that, what is behind that bonding? Yeah, theseese are all such great questions. I actually in the book, I interview a guy that did skin to skin And there is research on men doing skin to skin. So like a couple different studies looked at like after mom has a C section, She can't always do a skin to skin because she has to get prepared. Yeah. And so a few different research teams have tried doing it with Dad. And the baby's heart rate regulates better, the baby's temperature becomes better regulated. All of the benefits of skin to skin with mom emerge when babies do it with dads It's also, I think, like a way that dads, like we talked about dads feeling left out a lot of the time after birth because there's less for them to do It's a way that dads can feel likeike they're really contributing, like they're providing this like warm body that baby needs and is gravitating to So it's a totally great thing to do after birth or in the early months. And oxytocin, it's like one of those hormones that The research is kind of all over the place on. There's a lot of methodological issues with oxytocin and I talk about that a little bit in the book But what's interesting is like both men and women early in parenthood have really similar levels of oxytocin. Really? So we think of oxytocin as this like mom hormone. Yeah And it's not really. Like you see it in dads too I mean, that's gott to be so hard though, because you can'tactly put a newborn and a dad in an FMRI, you know what I mean and see what like But you can do those sort of hormonal assessays and see what's in there, huh? Exactly. Like you can take blood, you can take saliva, you can take hair. And then you can do like what we did is we put dads in the MRI and then we show them videos of their babies. it's like Qike I actually really, when I was developing this study and I pitched a couple people on this, I really wanted to do smell a vision. Like I wanted to pipe a baby's smell Thre a tube into the scanner. L I thought we could get onesies from babies and then it would be like a mix of own baby and other baby. I think we probably could have done it. but at that point we had so many moving parts in our scan protocol that I was like, this is gonna to drive my team insane. Yeah maybe a future. Yeah. I want it it's a dream study. I mean, speaking of smell Anover wanted to know, do dads who change diapers stay engaged for the life of the child And I feel like in previous generations I've heard that like dads are like, haven't changed a single diaper. Is that changing Yes. Yeah. So that is really changing So I want to say like the number of boomer men who said they'd never changed a diaper was like pretty considerable considerable. I needed numbers. So according to the twenty twelve paper, dads who do diapers ors affecting care of young children by fathers in the Journal of Family Issues, one nineteen eighty two US survey found that forty Fty three percent of dads had never changed a diaper And that forty three percent these days is estimated just to be three percent. Still three percent of dads never changed a diaper You're on my actual shit list, but several studies have also shown that in general, fathers and mothers tend to rate their own contributions higher than their spouses do, which may be because fathers often compare themselves to men of past generations So they're like so much better than my dad, or they take no notice of the invisible work that mothers do. You got a kid Kids under a year old make about seven dirty diapers a day. So are you changing like one Well, at least triple that. just Dep phone up but it was like a surprisingly big chunk. And that number is now really small. if you ask Gen Z Men. So they're doing way more diaper changes And yeah, like I do think that's a good omen for how the dad is going to stay involved because we think of it as this gross thing, but there's also some intimacy there like you have the baby, you know, kind of as a captive audience and you're keeping it entertained while you do your stuff and like can be a real moment of connection. H note, did you know that a lot of men's restrooms didn't even have diaper changing stations until like a decade ago Apparently in twenty sixteen, then President Obama signed a bill mandating changing tables for the dudes also And the act was called the bathrooms acccessible in Every situation, which spelled out Babies is called a acronym where a word is cobbled together kind of desperately to spell something memorable. But babies as a acronym P'stty cute. It's much cuter than the post nine eleven. uniting and strengthening America by providing appropriate tools required to intercept and obstruct terrorism AKA the USA Patriot Act in case you never caught that Oh, oh, speaking of Patron Richard said, It seems like after my son was born, I could sense he was about to do something dangerous and catch him most times, like falling out of his highchair or pull down a lamp from a table yanking on its cord He continues, Richard says, Do other fathers develop ninja like reflexes when it comes to their babies Thompson wantoners to know from a physiological standpoint Is there truly a dad reflex when catching kids? Oh, yes, the moro reflex, right? I'm not sure if he's thinking about this, but there's a thing where if you drop the baby, the baby's arms naturally extend because it's like it shows our primate heritage because it's extending to grasp the fur. So actually when my mom, who's like a real science nerd, met my first baby for the very first time, she dropped her To test the Mora. I was like, holy shit Oh my God. It's working great I mean she picked her, you know, Yeah ye, yeah got mdp. So great. But the idea of dads tossing babies around too is like a I think again, like you see it across different species. Yeah. So it's not just a human adaptation. So yes, parents' attentions can rewire to anticipate danger and monitor little ones almost subconsciously all the time. And also Tssing kids in the air helps parents, a lot of times dads, get really familiar with handling a baby in time and space Dads are doing great. everyveryone loves you. Kep it up That's amazing. Adam Foot says, I'm not even a father yet and I have a strong desire to embarrass any child I might have. Why? Bjorn Fredberg said this, I'm a father and I have the impulse with all kids I encounter, not just my own child and this might also intersect with jo I think by embarrassing, they mean like corny slightly out of touch performatively. Totally. like the dad joke is like a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know I'm very cringy to my kids. And so is my husband. And I think it's just it's a funny way to get a rise out of kids. L especially teens because they start kind of caring about what's cool and they have their own lingo. Yeah. And like you can be so out of touch as an adult that I think it's actually just a source of entertainment for parents. Okay. So and maybe there is some bonding too with like Hey, I know you're lingo. I'm invested and I care and it's like, don't I know that if I say six seven to my nephew, he runs and wants to just hide under the couch. like he's like, please, like that's so over. Yeah how dare you? Yeah, I'm still saying skkabbety to my kids. What is a dad joke? exactly. I wasn't positive, but figured I should know. So it's something punny. It's usually a play on words or like an anti joke It's simple, usually embarrassing for the person it's inflicted upon. and the term might be older than you I looked into it, the first known instance of the words Dad joke in print was in a nineteen eighty seven newspaper op ed titled ban the dad jokes Preserve and revere them and it was written by one Jim Kalba was fathered the term I wanted to know more about him and read some of his history. He long wanted to be a newspaper man and he achieved like his journalism dreams He was a writer and an editor. but his domestic accomplishments may have even been greater. I found his twenty nineteen obituary. It was written after a decades long battle with Parkinson's. and it turns out that Jim Kalbagh was a girl dad. He had three daughters. His family wrote that he had always maintained a close humorous, loving relationship with his daughters and four grandchildren. And the picture that accompanied his obituary showed like a round cheek smile side part silver hair and a tight clutch around his bride of many decades And my dad You called him Grand Pod was also a writer in the news business. She's a girl out of three four grandkids And we had the same kind of rapport with him. So For the dads who've passed, keep the cringe coming with the dad jokes It's your legacy. And if you need help on dad jokes, even the federal government has your back. On the site fatherhood. gov I found a page titled the celebration of the delightfully terrible Dad Joke They have a joke generator that you can refresh. on a government web page. I couldn't resist and it offered up Do you know what the loudest pet is Trump pet I hit the button again What is brown? and sticky A stick I'm so glad I found that webpage because despite burn of welling tears. It was a sight for sore eyes Taylor and Regina Moh wanted to know, what do we know about genetically the father's genes, what they control versus the mother's genes? And I've seen reports that you know, incidents of miscarriage and how difficult a pregnancy can be from a father's genetics But a lot of times it's presumed it's just the mother's biology. What's up with that? Yeah, it's super interesting. Dads are contributing, obviously, like a lot of genetic material to his pregnancy And dad's genes are actually shaping the construction of the placenta. which is like the organ that nurtures the baby. and so Like, yeah, there's a lot that can go wrong on that end. But also like I think when we talk about pregnancy health or anything that can go wrong, it's like it's always mom's fault, right? If something does But there's some evidence that even preconception health behaviors like men's substance use, smoking, exercise diet will affect his sperm quality and therefore affect the baby's outcomes. We never bug men about like, you should eat right for the baby. Yeah, seriously. But that's a thing that we should care about for our dads as well If you encounter someone who does not believe this, you can point them toward the twenty twenty two Frontiers and Genetics paper titled Paternal Epigenetic Influences on Placental Health and their Impacts on offspring Development and disease, which declared that alterations in placental growth, histological organization and glycogen content broadly serve as reliable markers of altered paternal development programming predicting the emergence of structural and metabolic defects in the offspring And the paper continues, Finally, we suggest the existence of an unrecognized developmental axis between the male germ line and the extra embryotic lineage. You're like, what? I know, you want a translation. That was a lot. There's a twenty twenty three Central European Journal of Uurology study called Recurrent Miscarriage and Male Factor Infertility, a narrative review, and it explained simply that the male factor is a possible cause of recurrent pregnancy los Some studies put the miscarriage rate to seventy percent of fertilized eggs. So if you want to be a parent and birth a kiddo celebrate those thirty percent odds if they work out in your favor No matter what color, the inside of the cake surprises. How do you feel about gender reveals? Oh, the gender reveal party. Yeah. such a funny fad to me I actually read that the woman who came up with them like created the trend has a non binary kid. So it sort of just goes to show, right? L. I love that. A that funny? Yes. I love that This is true and it's news to me in real quick. in two thousand eight, a blogger by the name of Jenna Carvundes needed to make a post and figured like,, you know, I'm pregnant. maybe a surprise gender cake would be fun, took some pictures, blogged about it, whatever. Never did she expect this ritual to become cultural phenomenon, leading to extravagant balloon releases and bip plananes with banners and explosive devices accidental death and dismememberments from shrapnel Forest fires and husbands trashing desserts over the indication that they would have a female child. Now in twenty twenty twelve years after she started this Carvundus wrote a piece in the Guardian titled I Started The Gender reveal Party trend and I regret it. And she writes that her firstborn, who sparked the whole blog post, is gender nonconforming preferring suits to dresses and short hair to long braids. And Carvundus, who seems like a gem, writes, There's such an obsession with gender that it becomes limiting in many ways and exploitative in others. You don't want what's in between your legs to guide your path in life And she writes, I want my kids to grow up in a world where gender doesn't matter And she also gives her own backstory in this article. I thought was really interesting. She writes, My parents threw me out when I was seventeen years old. It wasn't about gender or sexuality, but I know how it feels to be a teenager who's not loved or accepted. I absolutely would not tolerate it. But my child is welcomed for all of her personality. gender It's an expression and it's distinct from biological sex. Biological sex, you can peep through a sonogram. But gender isn't really anything that can be revealed as an infant or by anyone but you unless you're in deep denial and you have a queer bestie who's like bitch, you're gay. And even then that's just your orientation. It's also a bit of an overreach. But if you're gonna have a cake pink or blue inside. at least call it a fetus genital celebration party. And if you wouldn't put that on an invitation, then just You know Have a regular or having a baby party Third of all girls I'm sick of it mattering There was a question about that. Magdna Kawasaka asked, amm I gay because my dad had no sons and he had to teach someone how to change the oil in the car Are there any correlations at all that they find between someone's parented with a dad. And I know that we've also had questions in here and I'll find them. Like one from Han the B who said fatherhood to me seems to be the counterpart of motherhood, both of which bring to mind very gendered ideas of the roles that fathers and mothers play And Michael Cosa, Max G, and Jenny Gold, Michael asked, There' an argument against same sex parenting that the kid will miss out on the benefits offered by a traditional mom, dad pairing, but loving and supportive same sex parents still seems preferable or at least viable compared to having a single parent or being in the foster system But asking about the expectations of gender and I think the fading stigma that if you don't have a father figure, you're not gonna to turn out right But yeah, is there anything about a gender expression that's influenced by a father figure? I think it can be, but it doesn't necessarily have to be in the form of a biological father who lives in the household. We know that child outcomes Kids who are raised by same sex parents turn out. just as good if not better as kids with heterosexual parents. So there's nothing about your parents' gender identity that is necessarily going to set you on the wrong course as a kid. Yeah. I interviewed a trans dad for the book who talked about just like stepping into the father role and what that was like for him. Yeah Darby writes that to understand more about parenting while trans, I talk to Taylor Xavier Chhazan about his experience of becoming a dad. Taylor and I, she writes, lived in the same neighborhood in suburban Los Angeles. Hey for a few years. and I used to see him out and about, a friendly guy with an open smile and a scruffy beard, wrangling his adorable toddler's son in a red wagon She continues, But until we joined the same Facebook parenting group, I had no idea he had been raised as a girl in Texas before transitioning to male in his late teens. Taylor told me that he hadd always wanted kids, but as a trans man, his road to fatherhood was complex And when he got together with his wife, Alana, they bonded over their desire to start a family. And Taylor had told her, you know, we're from these radical queer punk communities and all we wanted to do was get married and move to the suburbs and have kids Alana struggled to get pregnant, and several rounds of fertility treatments later, they started talking about harvesting Taylor's eggs. and Taylor said, I had been on testosterone for fifteen years at that point, so I had to go off it to prep for that And after the hormones stopped working, Taylor says it was very emotional. It was a hard time for him. And Darby continues to write about their story. They actually ended up adopting a child. and in her book, Darby expands on Taylor's experience working in and out of these gender expectations. And Darby nots that with over million trans folks just in the United States, Taylor's is just one of a lot of unique experiences. And remember, ale parenting, it's in our genes. We wouldn't have survived this long as a species without it. People need people In terms of like whether or not you need a man in a boy or girl's life, like I do think it's good to have models. of you know, good men and good women. Bys can benefit from someone who shares their gender that they can look up to And girls can also benefit from seeing You know, there are good men out there in the world. Right. But that can come through a teacher. through a clergy member, through community member, like it doesn't necessarily have to come from the parents. Well, you know, I think we also are influenced by pop culture as well, especially when our lives might be so siloed. Yianna Hubbard, Empress of Smallwood and Liuang wanted to know Yenna asked, whyy are some of the most popular fathers on TV the ones that offer corporal punishment like Homer Strangling Bart in the earlier episodes you know father's threatening to boot up the ass compared to fathers who are shown like, you know dumpy How our fathers kind of archetypes, like the bumbling dad How do you think those affect expectations? Yeah, it's a great question. And there was actually a culture critic, sociologist who looked at how TV dads are categorized and found that in a majority of sitcoms, dads are depicted as humorously foolish. So it's like the classic like Homer Simpson like figure of fun I do think like we don't necessarily have a lot of great cultural models of really good hands on dads. Yeah. It's like the actual dads I see on the street are better than a lot of the dads I see on TV. Yeah. Like that's something we should be thinking about rectifying as a culture. So like I don't know how big your TV writer audience is, but Here's a pinch. Yeah. I was gonna say I have a lot of friends who work at TV totally. Yeah. Right. B dad. B dad. Yeah. You know, I used to live in Los Felas and as I lived there, the population was getting older who stayed in the neighborhood and, you know also gentrifying to because the home prices were going up so more families and less, you know, younger, single people. And my friends and I called them seahorses because there were dads who would be just walking the baby on their own or had a what's like a born with a baby on it. And I do know that People asked about other animals, and I think seaahorses definitely came up Fiona McLaughlin's dad, Oscar Sorschaine, bird admirer, Iris Turner, and bird named Quill Sloan, had other species on the brain Vera wanted to know why do some species of animals have actively engaged fathers? Some even more so than mothers and others don't. Dr. Wiggles wanted to know what animal species is the best atata, Seahorse Emperor penguin? I mean, the seaahorse can get pregnant, the male seaahorse can get pregnant. so it develops this brood pouch and it can fertilize eggs. So I mean, it's hard to compete with that. Yeah, yeah are species where males are primary parents. Frog dads are great. Like a lot of frogs are either b parental or dads are doing a lot of the care And frog dads will like locate all their babies and like bring food or tell the mother to bring them stuff to eatuff. So they're like keeping track of all their babies And bird dads are great. L birds are also bip parental. So bird dads are doing a lot of resource providing and a lot of feeding and malebirds will teach their babies how to sing Like male songbirds will be the primary instructors of singing. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Just I love the idea of a dad flipping pancakes and singing Yeah Saturday morning.. Marie Kirby wanters to know, is a daddy's girl a real thing? And is there a reason why we might gravitate toward the parent of the opposite sex some People ask if my child says a dada first when I've been the one like up nursing. Why is that? Sometimes that a kid will preference Telly's mom, who asked, Wh did my baby say dada before mama? seems unfair You're in good company. Yeah, My daughter went through a huge only daddy face Really here. Yeah, drove me crazy. We had this picture book that was like animal moms and we would read through it. I'd read it to her and she'd be like, thoseose are all dads. Those are dad's moms. she didn't want me to read it as though they were moms. I was like, come on But yeah, no, it's totally a thing. And I was just talking to a friend about this like Why is it that men are often harder on their boys? And I think there's this sense that like we have to toughen boys up for the hard world Interesting. ye. Whereas men I think can be more fully affectionate and cuddly and nurturing with girls because it's like They can try out that more feminine side of their personality without constraint. Interesting. So I think it does kind of open up like a different way of relating that can be really healthy for men Well, we had a lot of questions in that vein about toxic masculinity. Christina Weaver wanted to know Well, let's see, Bithawk, Carlos Verichel, Christina Weaver, Jason Loowenthal, Ashley Noell, Michael Crosa, Christina Ased. Are there concerns that the growing influence of the manosphere will contribute to a growing number of like abusive, neglectful, absentee or otherwise Chinny dads is there? I know that things are getting better But Is there like a polarization to the opposite of like reclaiming masculinity kind of a thing. Yeah. So Christina, you will like my book. I have a whole chapter on masculinity, which is kind of about this exact question of like what is going on with masculinity and fatherhood? Yeah. And I think it is this kind of tale of two cities where it's like The most educated affluent dads are really more hands on as parents and are kind of like showing this different model of fatherhood that is more invested But you also have this huge influence of the manosphere, which is telling young men all cheating scenarios, one hundred percent the blame is always on the female. Look after yourselves. withless you put some makeup on. Do some burpees, you got fucking gut. sort yourself out. B. Treat women like disposable sex objects Yeah and don't get trapped becausecause like women are just trying to use you for child support. So like these really hostile messages. And so I worry A that there's kind of a class and education divide that is emerging that's also politically polarized. And it does it seems somewhat antithetical to really good fatherhood. So it's just like we're kind of in these like diverging trend lines. Some dads are getting better at fatherhood, some men are totally disinvesting Yeah from fatherhood. Yeah. And we need to be really aware, I think, of the cultural narratives that we're propagating Another aspect also to stress tolerance that previous generations may not have considered is neurodivergence and ADHD, autism, even anxiety and depression, including reactions to world events can impact how we process and respond to stimuli. And as we talked about in our three part ADHD episode My husband, your pod momom, Jared Sleper, wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until his thirties,. it was like five years or so after we met. and understanding his own brain has helped his life and relationships like in a way that's just night and day. So if you have a kiddo that's diagnosed with autism or ADHD, guess what parents you're way more likely to have it as well And I have a few dad friends who I can see in real time. their own over stimulation. It's clear as day to me. Totally understandable from kids literally banging on pots and pans to just not having any time or space to decompress. And without knowing your own brain and what coping strategies work Parenthood can be more overwhelming, obviously your parents Probably got a little something. And yeah, they were probably never diagnosed, never got to watch endless TikToks explaining their brain. So try to keep their minds in mind You know, I'm curious as someone who is not a parent, but I'm around people who are parents and this feels like a shitty question, but also it comes from a place of wanting to help. But like if you see someone being like a shitty dad yelling at their kids or being really short tempered with them. and you can see how it's affecting a kid Is there anything that you can slightly nudge or a book I mean, obviously your book. You know, anything that we can do as a community for dads to be like, Hey, dude, you might be Reenacting some generational drama. It's a great question because it's so hard to intervene with other people's parenting. Yes. I think it's one of the hardest things you can do, right? It feels so personal to people and for sure feels so vulnerable to being judged. I mean, I think one of the best things you can do is just be like a positive support system for the kid. Yeah, yeah yeah. You know, find ways to Spend time with the kid, be a good role model for the kid, like give the kid an outlet. I think you can also just be like, hey, are you talking to someone? L you seem to be struggling with anger. Yeah. You know, there are probably some gentle ways to give feedback that don't feel so hard to hear. Yeah. beinging a good support for the kid too, I think is great advice. If you have one parent who maybe is a little bit harsher on you. Does it help cancel it out to show that there's more support. Definitely. Yeah. And I think it's generally good for kids to have caregivers with different styles and just to see like the variety in how Humans relate to each other. Yeah?ike that's a learning experience for a kid So if you're seeing a negative style, then maybe you can positive compensatory force. Yeah, yeah. What things do you wish dad's knew whether they're new dads or old dads. Yeah I would say first, you matter. You can make great contributions to a kid's life. Your involvement can take stress off your partner. It's good for society It's ultimately good for you too, for your aging, for your well beinging, to be more socially connected. So you know Prioritize fatherhood So that's the first thing. and the second thing is just like you are transforming too. You might think it's like fully your partner's show, but Your body is also in flux and you can be mindful of how that's affecting your health and your wellbeing. If Fatherhood change significantly? would that be better for all of society Yeah, ye. ye. I think if dads show up more, engage more, participate more in parenting, We know that kids have better educational outcomes. They have better emotion regulation, they have better peer outcomes they're less likely to be incarcerated, right? So like Dad's involvement seems to be this positive force across the board And it's also helpful for moms to have someone who's able to provide support and scaffold their care Right. So yeah, like one reason I wrote the book is because I think this is a public health priority. Yeah that we want to empower dads to be involved and to own the parenting role What about Father's Day gifts? What's a good one? There's a book I would recommend. It'll be on your shelves.es. We time the book release, just it comes out just a couple of weeks before Father's Day For that very reason. Amazing. But I also think like Good Father's Day gives her experiences too. passes to a park or to the driving range or to a go kart track, like things that dads can really enjoy doing with kids. I think most dads don't necessarily need like another tie or another mud. but they might want an opportunity to do something fun with their kids Tr to read a book That's great advice. I feel like passes to a garden that you can go to a lot, you know, things like that at a zoo or something like that. What is the hardest part about your job Finding enough time to do it. Yeah. I love it and I never have enough time to do all the stuff I want to do. I always have to drop a couple balls also writing a