Love As A Daily Decision

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With a built in wireless transmitter that lets you plug and play with any device you want, JBL wireless earbuds connects you to all your favorite music, movies and games. JBL wireless earbuds. Grab a pair at jbL. com I want to be honest with you about something before we start Most mindset content is forgettable Not because the ideas are wrong, some of them are genuinely good but because they delivered like fortune cookies Punchy, quotable and gone by Tuesday. You've read the book, you highlight the line, you feel something shift And then life comes back The argument, the deadline, the three AM spiral And the highlight in the book means nothing because the idea never got deep enough to actually change anything You might see yourself feel this way You're still reacting the same way. You're still choosing the same kind of people. You're still telling yourself the same stories about why things aren't working The mindsets I'm going to share with you today are actually going to shift something and change something for you for real They are the ones that when they finally landed, really landed in the body, not just in the head change something that stayed changed. Changed how I see a difficult conversation, changed how I move through failure, changed how I love people There are seven of them, and I'm going to give you them straight with the science, with the wisdom traditions behind them, and with the stories from my own life. And with the specific way you can use each one immediately Not next month. Not when things calm down immediately Let's get started. Mindset one Pain is a postcod not a permanent address. The first mindset that changed my life sounds almost insultingly simple when I say it out loud. But I need you to hear what's underneath Pain is a postcard not a permanent address Here's what I mean When I was at my lowest, when the career I thought I wanted had fallen apart When I had moved back home after failing at the monastery in a way that felt permanent, when I was surrounded by people who had expected more from me and I had expected more from myself. I made a mistake that I think almost everyone makes when things go badly. Moved in Not literally Mentally k the painful chapter and turned it into my identity I stopped treating it like something that was happening and started treating it like something that was true Like the failure wasn't something I'd been through Like it was something I was And here's what the neuroscience says about that distinction Because it's not just poetic, it's biological The psychologist Martin Seigman spent decades studying what he called explanatory style The way people explain bad events to themselves And he found that when people experience setbacks, they tend to explain them in one of two fundamentally different ways Some people explain setbacks as temporary, specific and external This happen in this situation for these reasons Others explain them as permanent perervasive and personal This is who I am. This is what always happens. This is what I can always expect The first group recovers. faster, more completely and often stronger than before The second group gets stuck notot because they're weaker because they moved into the pain and started decorating The Vedic tradition has a concept that maps onto this perfectly Annithya, the Sanskrit word for impermanence Nothing is permanent Not the good and not the bad. The ancient teachers weren't saying this to comfort you. They were saying it as a precise description of reality Everything passes. Everything including this. The postcard mindset is this Pain arrives and it will. It always does. You read the postcard You sit with it, You feel it fully Unfelt pain doesn't leave It just goes underground But you do not unpack your bags. You do not redecorate. You do not forward your mail. You're a visitor in this moment, not a resident This too shall pass Here's how you apply this immediately The next time something painful arrives, a rejection, a failure, a loss, a conversation that goes badly Ask yourself one question before you do anything else Am I feeling this Am I becoming it? Feeling it is healthy, necessary, human Coming it is the decision offtten unconscious Al costly to let a moment define you instead of shhape you You are allowed to feel everything. You are not required to become it Pain is a postcard Read it. Learn from it. and put it down. Mindset two. You are not your thoughts. You are what you do with them This one took me years to actually understand. You may have heard it before I don't just want you to understand it intellectually Be. understood the theory almost immediately. but to actually understand it. in a way that changes behavior Here's the version I was living before this mindset I believed that because I thought something It meant something that because a thought arrived, you're not good enough. They don't really respect you. This is never going to work It was delivering truth I was taking delivery of every thought Like it was a certified letter from reality I was wrong And it was costing me everything Cognitive psychologist Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive behavioral therapy, one of the most evidence based psychological frameworks we have, identified something he called Tumatic thoughts id reflexive mental commentary that runs continuously below the level of deliberate thinking And he found that in people experiencing depression, anxiety, and relational difficulties These automatic thoughts shared consistent characteristics They were distorted They were negative They were experienced as unquestionable truths Door arrives It feels true Therefore it is true ck's entire therapeutic revolution built on one insight. Thought is not the truth Thought is a hypothesis. and like any hypothesis, it can be tested. Marcus Aurelius wrote in his meditations You have power over your mind not outside events Reize this and you will find strength Here's the immedia application Three words and I want you to use them every time or arrives that feels like an indictment Is this true Not is this possible? Not could this be true Is this actually demonstrably evidentially true And if you can't answer with concrete evidence, if the thoughtor is a feeling dressed as a fact You are not required to take delivery You're not your thoughts. all what you do with them And what you do with them starts with the radical act of questioning whether they deserve your belief Mindset three This is a rough one People who trigger you the most are your greatest teachers. I hate this one. It hurts me. it pains me. it worries me. I'm like, God, do I have to learn it that way And I need to be careful with this one. becausecause it can be misunderstood in a way that causes genuine harm. I'm not saying the people who hurt you deserve a medal Just to be clear I'm not saying abuse is a lesson you should be grateful for I'm not saying that toxic behavior is secretly your spiritual curriculum What I am saying is something more specific and more useful than that The emotional reactions that hit hardest, the ones that seem disproportionate, the ones that linger longer than make sense, the ones that make you behave in ways you don't recognize as yourself almost never fully present moment They are signals The person who triggered the signal pointing without knowing it at something that was already there Here's the psychology behind this The concept is called transference first identified by Freud, but significantly developed and validated by modern relational therapists Transference is the unconscious redirection of feelings from a past relationship unto a present one When someone in your life provokes a reaction that feels too big T intense to immediate T hard to let go of It is frequently because they have activated a wound that predates them entirely partartner who dismisses your feelings. isn't just a dismissive partner Also for your nervous system, every person who ever dismissed you, the parent who didn't have the emotional bandwidth, the teacher who made you feel stupid, the friend who chose someone else. The reaction you're having right now is the sum of all those reactions. Which means the most triggering people in your life are giving you a map. A map to the places that still need your attention. A map to the wounds that haven't yet healed A map to the patterns that keep repeating, not because you're broken. But because the nervous system keeps seeking resolution for what was never resolved The Jungian concept of the shadow is essential here Paul Youg believed that every person carries a shadow Parts of themselves they've disowned, suppressed, or refuseed to acknowledge And he observed that what he most disliked in others is frequently what he most refused to see in himself personers who infuriates you with their arrogance. Do you have arrogance you've been trained to suppress The person who's needinginess exhaust you Do you have needs you've convinced yourself not to have The person whose anger frightens you Do you have anger you've never allowed yourself to feel This is not accusation This is cartography You're mapping yourself through your reactions. Here's how to use this sensitively. The next time someone triggers you and I mean really triggers you disproportionate reaction, the one you can't shake Inead of asking, why are they like this As two different questions. First What specifically is being activated in me right now Not what did they do? What got activated? Name the feeling as precisely as you can Second Where have I felt this before Not in this relationship, Earlier, younger, wayay back when When was the first time you felt this particular flavor of hurt The answer to that second question is not the person in front of you. And when you know that When you can see that trigger is a door to something much older You stop trying to solve the present moment and start attending to the actual source That is where the real healing is and the most aggravating person in your life Often the one holding the door open ne cruny bite of her Hershe's cookies and creream bar and I'm taken right back to college Mving day. I was a little overwhelmed by the newness of it all. Boxes were everywhere, I needed to break from unpacking. But just as I was able to take a breath and open my Hershey's cookies and creream bar, m and roommate Rachel walked in. I offered her a piece, but she said no Then after a beech, she said, actuallyually, those are my favorite ones We left. The ice was broken and we've been friends ever since Hershe's, it's your happy place Making plans with asthma can be awful. It always goes from, That sounds fun to in this weather? What's my asthma acc up? I got tired of saying no. So my doctors suggested DuPixent. I'm Rachel and I'm sponsored by Regeneron and Santae to share my story with real patients like me. Dupixcent DupilumMab is an add on prescription maintenance treatment for adults and children six years and up with moderate to severe, osinophilic oral steroid depend asthma that's not controlled with currentstma medin. Dupixent is not for sudden breathing pms Depiction helps people breathe better in as little as two weeks. And now, I don't even think twice about saying yes to plants more. rain or shy. Severe allergic reactions, including skin reactions can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue, or throat swelling, wheezing, or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of signs of inflamed blood vessels like rash, chest pain, worsening shortness of breath, brown or dark colored urine, tingling or numbness in limbs. Tell your doctor of new or worsening skin symptoms, joint aches and pain, or a parasitic infection. Don't change or stop other treatments without talking to your doctor Do more with less asthma. Ask your asthma specialist about Dupixem by name. Visit dpixcent d. com or call one eight four four twoupixent Hey everyone. It's Cal Penn, host of EarsSay, The Audible and IHart Audiobook Club This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with Lily Chu, the author of the Audible original romantic comedy Just Kiss Already It's a story about a forensic anthropologist who secretly writes mystery novels, an actress who adapts his book into a film, and what happens when a meme and a mediatur collide with a slow burn romance It's performed by Simul Lu and Philippa Su and it is an absolute blast When you actually hear the performance, You realize that other people aren't taking your words and what you thought was kind of a straightforward sentence like the cat in the corner is black In my head, it's the cat in the corner is black, not the dog, not the deril. But someone else might say it, The cat in the corner is black That's always fascinating to me how they just bring in all these different nuances and really make it fun and interesting and distinctive Listen to Earsay, the Audible and IHart Audiobook Club on the IiHart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts Mindset number four, clarity is not found, it's built through action This is for anyone who's waiting, waiting for the sign, waiting to feel ready, waiting for the path to become clear Take the first step I have to tell you something that I wish someone told me ten years earlier Clarity is not coming before the action Carity is the product of the action. You do not think your way to a clear life You live your way to a clear life. path doesn't become clear by just looking. Half becomes clear by putting one foot in front of the other And then it appears Here's the science. The psychologist Mihai Chikent Miai, whose work on flow states we've referenced before, found that people most commonly experience their deepest sense of purpose and meaning notot in moments of reflection but in moments of engaged activity notot when they're thinking about what they want to do But when they're doing it, This maps directly onto what neuroscience now knows about how the brain generates meaning. Meaning is not a conclusion the brain reaches after sufficient contemplation It is a byproduct of engagement, of doing Creating, building, moving. Brain makes meaning retrospectively from the raw material of lived experience You cannot think yourself into a meaningful life You have to live yourself into one. The ancient Sanskrit concept of karma is entirely misunderstood in Western culture. We think of Karma as cosmic justice. what goes around comes around And there's truth to that, but in its original philosophical context Karma simply means action Karma is the act itself. And the Bagud Gita is perhaps the world's most sophisticated treaties on action. spepecifically on the relationship between action, identity and liberation Krishna's central teaching to origin in the Gita is not figure out your purpose and thenact. without attachment to the outcome will reveal itself. Listen to that again, wrrite it down. Think about that. The action comes first Carity follows. So many people are paralyzed waiting to know Waiting to be sure, waiting for the vision to be clear, enough before they risk moving toward it Painful irony is that the waiting is the very thing preventing the clarity from arriving Here's the immediate application and it's simply enough to do today You don't need to know the five year plan You just need to know your next five steps You don't need to know where you'll be in ten years All you need to know is you're going to do next Today whatever it is, whether it's a phone call, an application, a conversation, an hour spent doing the thing instead of thinking about the thing The clarity you're waiting for is hiding inside the action you keep postponing waiting to know Start doing to find out Mindset five You don't rise to your goals You fall to your environment This one changed how I designed every aspect of my daily life And it is the mindset that I think most people resist the hardest because accepting it means accepting something deeply uncomfortable Your willpower is not the problem Your environment is. Let me say that again becausecause it runs counter to everything productivity culture tells you Your willpower is not the problem Your environment is The psychologist James Clear, building on decades of behavioral science, articulated something in atomic habits that has now been validated across hundreds of studies Human behavior is far less driven by conscious intention than we believe and far more driven by environmental cues what we see? What's accessible, what's around us? What the people around us do These are the primary drivers of behavior Not goals, not motivation, not discipline personers who wants to eat better keeps their kitchen full of food that undermines that goal. is not going to succeed through willpower The person who wants to read more but keeps their phone on their bedside table, instead of a book is not going to succeed through discipline The person who wants to grow but surrounds themselves exclusively with people who are comfortable with stagnation is not going to succeed through intentions. This is not pessimism power Because if the environment is the primary driver of behaviour then designing your environment is the most powerful thing you can do. for your goals More powerful than motivation More powerful than a vision board, more powerful than any amount of willpower The ancient Indian concept of Suna undernderstood this completely Snga or satsg literally means Company of trruth This was the practice of deliberately surrounding yourself with people. presence pulled you toward your highest self notot just people you liked People who by virtue of who they were and how they lived made it easier for you to be who you were trying to become The tradition understood that humans are profoundly inevitably influenced by their environment especially the social environment And rather than fighting that influence through discipline, The wisdom was to design the environment so that the influence worked for you rather than against you Research by social psychologist Nicholas Christicis at Yale confirmed this at scale In a landmark study tracking thousands of people over decades, he found that behaviors, including happiness, obesity, smoking, and even loneliness through social networks like contontagion You're not just influenced by your friends influenced by your friends, friends, friends. Th degrees of separation. The environment is that powerful Here's the immediate application. You don't have to quit on all your friends Three questions to ask about your current environment. First, does your physical space make your most important behaviors easier or harder If you want to meditate Is there a clear, quiet space that invites it If you want to create Is your workspace organized around creation Or is everything arranged around distraction Second, does your social environment The five people you spend the most time with make you more or less likely to become who you're trying to be Not whether you love them whether their orbit is pulling you forward or holding you in place Third, what is the single easiest change you can make to your environment today right now? I would make your most important goal more likely Not a dramatic thing the smallest possible environmental adjustment that removes friction between you and who you're trying to become. You don't rise to your goals As James Clay says, you fall to your environment So build an environment worth falling to Mindset six The most dangerous story you tell is the one about yourself. Every person walking the planet is a narrator of their own life And like all narrators, we were unreliable We it We emphasize certain chapters and minimize others We assign causation where there's only correlation cost ourselves in roles Sometimes the hero, sometimes the victim, always the protagonist And we mistake those roles for truth. The story you tell about yourself is the most powerful force in your life. moreore powerful than your circumstances More powerful than your talent powerful than your opportunities becausecause the story decides which opportunities you see which risks you take? Which relationships you believe you deserve and which version of your future you allow yourself to move forward The psychologist Dan McAdams at Northwestern University has spent his career studying what he calls narrative identity the story each person constructs about who they are and how they came to be that way. And his researchers found something both obvious and profound contontent of yourselff narrative. picts your psychological well beinging your resilience and your capacity for growth more reliably than almost any other variable Now what happened to you how you story what happened to you Two people can go through almost identical experiences The difficult childhood, the professional failure, the painful relationship, and construct completely different narratives from the same raw material One person stories it as evidence of their damage O stories it as the origin of their death the experiences were similar The narrators made different choices. Cadams identified what he called the redemption narrative a story structure where difficult chapters are told as leading to growth insight or strength. He found that people who naturally organize their self narratives around redemption are significantly more psychologically healthy, more generative, and more resilient than those who organize around contamination. whereere a good thing was ruined, where a hopeful beginning led to a bad end The difference is not in what happened The difference is in how it is told Here's what I want you to do with this immediately Think of the story you most consistently tell about yourself The one that comes up in therapy or with close friends or at three AM when you're being most honest But one that explains why things aren't the way they are why you are the way you are Now ask Is this the only story the evidence supports Or is it one story, one edit, one emphasis of many that could be constructed from the same facts