Advocating for Pool Safety

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Prices may vary by stor exusions of pricey Home Depot com sl priceashatch for details Your package says deelivered, but delivered where exactly? The hallway, the lobby, your neighbor's apartment? Instead of playing detective with your deliveries, get a mailbox at the UPS store. We'll sign for your packages. Text you when they arrive. And keep your deliveries low key. Under locking key, get three months free mailbox services with a new annual agreement at the UPS store For full details and to get your coupon, visit the UpSore d. com slash offer I got a phone call from my husband that our son trick had fallen in the pool And not He wasn't breathing. Our whole world fell apart There is no way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child. We did not think we would make it through that Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. You know the thing that's most important to me is sharing real stories. that allow individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges, express The lives that they've lived in a way that uplifts, inspires, and most importantly heals all of us. Today I get to sit down with Emily Kaiser Emily has invited so many people into her life with honesty, warmth, and openness And over the past year, she's walked through a life altering experience onene that reshaped her world in ways no one is ever prepared for Please welcome to onn purpose Emily, Kaiser, Emily It's so wonderful to meet you. You too. I'm really grateful to be here. Your energy since you walked in this morning is so warm cozy and comforting and I felt like I'd known you forever. I appreciate that. It was just so sweet, but I wanted to start off by just asking you, how are you today? I'm nervous. I'm honored to be here Yeah, I feel I feel okay What does your normal day to day look like right now I'm a mom, so my priority day to day is taking care of my younger son Teddy. So my day to day is pretty normal. Wake up, I work out. I try to work out every day. just because I know those like good endorphins will help me mentally throughout the day and I notice a really big difference if I don't do that And then I kind of just spend the rest of my day with my son and just wherever it leads me. I've learned throughout a lot of my grief journey that I just can't have too many expectations for myself. So I just have to set small intentions and go where the day leads me. Yeah. And what was your intention for coming here today? Like what was going through your mind to want to come and share now and today I have a large platform and going through what we've been through this past year Just honestly, nothing has felt like an appropriate place to talk about fully in depth What happened, what our famil's been through Just how much we miss Trag, how much we love him It just it honestly hasn't felt Right. And I feel like when you asked me to come, I really felt like, okay, yeah, this is like a person that I can sit down with and have a really in depth meaningful conversation that will hopefully help people spread awareness help me to maybe heal in a way. Yeah, I really hope that this conversation is Healing for all of us and kind and healing for you as well. Yeah. We'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk to me about what life was like before the loss. L talk to me about creating or sharing your life online in twenty twenty one. What did it look like? What was the motivation behind that? What was the inspiration behind all of that? The whole motivation always behind starting social media was honestly that I just needed an outlet. I think that's why a lot of people start. I think that we crave human interaction, human connection, I had lived in Utah at the time for already about I think maybe three or four years, but When you become a mom, your whole world shifts, your life changes, like nothing can even prepare you for that journey. And I was just really deeply craving something to fulfill me in a deeper way. Obviously motherhood fulfills me so much, but I felt like I needed like my own thing. and I think that's so healthy and important And I was like, I think I should just start sharing my day to day, like maybe people relate to that. So I was sharing Morning vlogs, day in the life vlogs, cleaning vlogs. and honestly, it deeply motivated me. I was home alone most days with Trig. and so it really just helped me to like get out of the house, get stuff done. that was my motivation was just connecting with other moms and people. Yeah, and I know our team here are huge fans of yours. They've loved following you What was your relationship like with your community during that time? Like it feels like you just, it did exactly that. It made people feel connected to you, made people feel less alone. I feel like to me my community just feels warm and kind and I feel like I'm just so grateful for my community and how much grace and love they always give me in my family and especially going through what we've gone through. I could have never anticipated the support that I would receive. and it's really always felt that way. When you're so public like you are, And then you go through a loss Everyone feels a part of that journey with you too. and I imagine that It's affected the online community yourself, it's almost like you share your life with everyone. I know I can feel that way sometimes It's definitely shifted my perspective on my boundaries and how much I choose to share I don't share My younger son anymore, I have a strict boundary of I don't share Tgg anymore. I won't share photos of him, videos of him definitely just shifted a lot of my perspective of as much as I am so grateful for the community, it does kind of give you this perspective of people I mean, yeah, they don't actually know me. They don't actually know my real life and it's a hard thing to learn, especially going through what we did so publicly, it really opens your eyes. Could you explain for those who may not know what you went through last May Could you share in the best way you feel comfortable u sharing that experience U I went out with my friends, I was five weeks postpartum. and I went out to dinner for a little girl's night out and about maybe Ten minutes after I arrived, I got a phone call from my husband Um that our sun trick had fallen in the pool and not He wasn't breathing And I could hear the pain and the Just confusion in his voice. I knew immediately before he even said anything that something was wrong Um And so I rushed to the hospital to be by my son's side and Our life just completely changed that day and He passed away about a week later. And Yeah, our whole world fall apart genuinely so sorry for you losts and I can't imagine how much courage it takes to can even share that with us today and strength that you have being here and Yeah, I can't imagine what that loss feels like and It's the most heartbreaking thing you could ever hear to add on to that. The public nature of your profile and your family and everything else, I can't imagine how much that stresses placed on you and your family and everyone else included, people that are close to you and those that love you. What went through your head at the time? And what's been going through ahead As you've had time I mean, your body just goes into fighter flight mode. so I feel like have just been truly taking it. Minute by minute, hour by hour and slowly kind of increasing from there. But I mean, the only thing that was going through my mind was just that I wanted him to be okay that I wanted my old life back that I wanted him to have his life back I mean what he deserves. And it's just, you can't even describe that feeling of when your child passes away from a preventable accident, a preventable tragedy, All that's going through your mind is Where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong How did this happen Why did this happen hindsight is playing in your head twenty four seven And u Yeah, I mean terrible that kind of rumination and kind of just spiraling of all those questions that you just shared and All those thoughts, I'm sure there's it's almost like not even It's not even a question of trying to move on or trying to, you know, it's it's so It's so kind of all encompassing and all engulfing because It's exactly what you said. You're just wondering about if this, what if Why not We had to make so many decisions in a very short amount of time that no family should ever have to make. And I know that other people will relate to that and it's It feels impossible you're truly going second by second because at any moment something could change or you could be given different news or you know, so It's just Truly, just minute by minute What was the hardest part about that experience that no one sees Because everyone tries to empathize, Everyone obviously tries to understand. and can I always feel like when you haven't been through a pain, you can be empathetic, you can be compassionate, you can be theoretically there When something happens to you, it's very different than when you observe it through someone else. What's the part of it that no one sees that you've been carrying that affects you I mean and just the heartbreak, the mess, the love that you have for that person, nobody can evenven if you have the most empathy in the world noody will ever be able to feel even if they've been in a similar situation. Those are the people who can relate the most, but There is no way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child and what that pain is like. and It feels unbearable We did not think we would make it through that. It's like you constantly are looking back like how How have I done that? How have we done that? How How are we even here right now? Time just feels so warped and confusing And I feel like that's, I mean, that's the hardest thing that You cant explain to someone is just what it's actually like. No You will never know what it's actually like unless you are going through it evenven you will be surprised by the decisions you make, your thought process Y grief I mean I had even heard similar stories before Trigg passed away I mean, you always sit there with theoreticals of this is how I would handle it. this is what I would do. and you would literally never know. And it's It's crazy thinking back that I ever felt that way or that I ever theoretically felt that way about other people's tragedies because now I'm like, oh, like You literally don't know H that friends pass away or younger friends get diagnosed with cancer have passed away and It's been really interesting when you get to that kind of age when people around you are sed it get diagnosed with certain things and you start learning how as friends, you want to be there for each other but how certain friends Don't quite get it And it comes back down to exactly what you just said, like We're so as humans, we're so quick to judge someomeone's experience and how we deal with it And then when you go through something close to that, you realize how none of that mental faculty or reasoning even comes close to helping you deal with any of that because the emotion is so strong and so overriding that You don't have that function in your brain that you had before something like that happened. Your brain chemistry literally changes The hardest thing is your loss and what you're going through in love and the life you had and wanting it back But then you're also managing this Korea, which also has this Public. perception on it. How did everyone find out and How did that kind of go into the conversation there When I first got the news that Trag had fallen in the pool and went to the hospital I mean, my mind was any anywhere but what are people going to say? I wasn't even in a mental space. I was only focused on him. And so was our entire family. And I mean, the news broke because I think because News cars started showing up, peopleeople started putting together that My house was my house. I mean little things, I think like Furniture matched in news video footage and people started to put together that it was trgg based off of the descriptions that were being given, but I hadn't even thought that far yet. So when I found out that it had become public and that ople were wondering what had happened. I mean, we're still wondering what like what had happened in that moment. I didn't even have details really on what had happened. We were in the depths of just figuring out what Traig needed and what we could do to help him That's kind of how it broke and from there it just became I mean, a frenzy to put it at the least. It was Crazy I was just so uninvolved in that at the time that it wasn't until after he had passed away that I think I really realized how big it was and how many people were talking about what had happened to him What you're saying makes complete sense that of course, when you're going through something that tragic, you're just present there, yourour mind is not anywhere else Do you ever in circumstances like this, ever find the answers that even help about what happened and how it felt? Like do you even get there because It almost feels like When these things happen, there's no It's almost like there's no answer that can heal or soot or solve because It's just pain There really is no answer for why it happened. At the end of the day It happened because there were precautions that we didn't take I'm a very logical person And I go based off the facts and that's what I had to do the entire time that we were in the hospital getting information everything and There's no answer for why he's not here. That's some bigger thing or a lesson or anything.'s there's nothing. It's We should have protected him better and that's That's why it happened. what broke my heart. beyond learning about your story as I was preparing for our conversation today and to be with you was some of the reaction online And of course, I want to talk about both because I think the negative always gets more precedents than the positive, and so I wantan to talk to you about both Be I think there was a lot of love and there was a lot of ort and I want to talk to you about that. I want to hear about that. The part that broke my heart was to see how when a human sees another human, whether we know you or don't and those who follow you, they know you extremely well. to already know that someone's going through something that is the worst thing that a parent could ever go through to then have their own opinion commentary verdict on it feels heartless and painful in a way that can't understand why our human mind would even go there Let's talk about some of the support you felt from people online. When I came back I honestly was fully preparing myself for any reaction I was possibly going to get I was just so deeply craving, I think a sense of normalcy. And when you're grieving and when you go through something, any sort of loss, honestly. I think that that's what a lot of us grip ono is how can I find any sense of normalcy in my life to get me through the day? For me, that kind of was starting to slowly return to my job that I love so much Nothing could have prepared me for the support that I received I was really just emotional and blown away and just so grateful. and I, um very often feel very undeserving Because of how Sad and honestly guilty, I feel and sad for Trag that he's not here. sometometimes I feel undeserving of like How are we able to in the best way we can go on with our lives And I'm just really grateful that I had so many people that were're just there for me. My community kind of just said however slow you want to take it, whatever you choose to share You can share it. That's kind of what I prepared myself returning was with the boundaries of I will just share what I'm comfortable with because I would rather be depart for what I what I don't share and for not sharing enough than share too much of the pain and the heartbreak and the thoughts that I go through every day and be judged for that It's just, it's too much I appreciate you sharing the added layer of The emotional toll of experiencing loss thenen experiencing grief Getting support, but then actually feeling guilty a little bit of shame to even experience that support. and it's The emotional toll of all of those Extremely difficult emotions to carry all at the same time. 's all the time. That's really heavy for you to, you know, just to hold all of those at the same time. I think people look at grief as stages or some point it's going to end. The pain is going to end. We look at grief as this finish line. I feel like for a lot of people of I grieved for this amount of time or I was sad for this amount of time and then It's not how it works. It's never ending. Your grief is going to be with you for the rest of your life. Very early on, we had so many amazing health professionals that helped us because we would not have even got into the mental place we are in now without those people And I feel Like even though it was such a waight to hear at that time of this is never going to go away. Like we're going through the darkest thing we could ever possibly go through. and we just lost our child, He's never coming back. And to hear that you're going feel this forever was It's it feels impossible. You're like, Okay, so it's never going to get better. I'm never going to feel That's when the other lessons come in of Everything is going coexist with the grief. You could feel joy and feel so much sadness at the exact same time. You can feel support while also feeling guilty you can feel Sad while also feeling reminiscent on the memories So many feelings coexist and that is forever And I feel like The longer I've gotten into my grief journey, even though I'm not very far in it at all in the grand scheme of things, the more I've just really learned that that is how I have to go through my life of just, I am allowed to feel whatever. Brady is allowed to feel whatever. My family is allowed to feel whatever but it can all coexist The grief is never going away You're completely right that that belief that we all have or this hope that we all have, that there's a finish line, there's an endpoint, there's a turning point For moments like this, you're absolutely right. There is none. That's the hardest thing and the most helpful thing in one because It's almost. Lying to ourselves or lying to others saying it will go away one day is actually worse because then you're just waiting for that day. Yeah, orr the stages of grief. you hear that all the time. Oh, there's stages of grief. Stages of grief were designed and I actually learned this from Joanne Cacatori, who's a doctor that we went to. like very early on we went to a few of her She owns a care farm K kind of like a grief place for parents who have gone through child loss. and She just basically said plain and simple, That's designed for elderly people who are at the end of life of the stages of accepting that your life is going to end. That is not made for parents who have lost their child. because There are no stages. It is never ending you could be in one stage at some point and then The next point, you're in the complete opposite stage and you just have to accept that you have to feel what you feel when it comes And that is just How you have to go about it forever Here's a gif a gift of days that last a little longer, a brighter state of mind So giveift yourself a new Kia at the KIA Summer Sticker sales event, Eespecially taged vehicles including the Sornto, Sportage, Carnival, as well as the Nuro Hybrid. All backed by a ten year one hundred thousand mile limited powertrain warranty. So the gift of summer can keep on giving for summers to come. Kia Movement that insspires Call eight hundred three three threety four K for Details host Jafree event and seven hundred six twenty six to dealer for warranty details It one cruny bite of her Hershey's Cookies and Cream bar and I' taken right back to college Moving day. I was a little overwhelmed by the newness of it all. 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Eactly. hotels. comot It's all in the name You said that There was a part of you that obviously break Obviously after all of this, The only reason you went back was to experience some normalcy and you know, just getting into some routine and rhythm for your life, which is always encouraged when people go through difficult things to feel It's just like you're moving your body, you're, you know, helping yourself, you' goingo back to doing things that felt familiar How hard was it to even go back to doing that We were I mean, obviously barely able to get out of bed barely able to get up and brush our teeth. I was we were not in a position to even take care of our younger child. I'm so grateful for the support and the family we had around us because We just could not have done it. I mean when we were first going through it And I was five weeks postpartum So I wasn't even in A head space to get into a routine at all. I was still trying to get used to having two kids My dad was actually who came to me and was like E, you gotta move your body. My step momom actually teaches pilates on the side. He would just have her come over and help me. I wouldd go on walks Um, but even at at that beginning when we first lost him, we weren't even leaving our house because we had people driving by, taking videos, helicopters going over our house news were showing up constantly I was basically just in my home and I didn't want to be anywhere else in terms of I just wanted to be in my bed at that time It felt impossible to get back into any sort of routine. But then at some point, I think I felt like I don't have any other choice. L I have to. I have to be the best version of myself that I can manage right now for Trag for my younger son, Teddy for myself for Brady have to. It's not a choice I've never had that experience around what you're saying around the news teams and the helicopters and the Is there a sense of like setting boundaries in that way. Like can you be like don't come It feels so invasive. like it just feels It's almost like this is a really tough tragic time for someone and I just I don't understand why that would, you know, It's yeah, it's fascinating to me how we as humans have normalized that I think I've really mentally blocked out So much of that because I was just so focused on what we were dealing with inside of our home that my mind wasn't even really there, but I think back in I had PTSD pretty much from so many things, but hearing helicopters still go over my house, I'm constantly like, oh is that going to end up? On the news, it was completely invasive. Yeah When people talk about commentate on events that they don't have the full details over or the actual insight over from the inside What were the kind of things you were hearing that were Hartful Lnd kind of dehumanizing to some degree as well, because when someone's far away from the problem but commentating on it without understanding it. What were the things that you were hearing or things that you saw that really affected you At the end of the day, it's hard hearing. Anything that beats you up more than you're already beating yourself up Nobody could say I really try to not focus on the negative because Nobody could say anything And I've heard a lot of things. to Brady and I that would make us feel any more hurt than how we already feel not having him here Nothing When you lose your child, you really donon't care about anything else Besides Do your best to get through it. And there's not even a through it. You don't get through it, doing your best to move forward, I guess Caring for your family, likeike I said, I have a younger son, so that was also just a huge and stays a huge motivation for me of I I have to keep going for him I mean, just nobody could say anything that would ever hurt us more than we're already hurting, but It's hard, obviously. I'm a human. It's hard to hear People make their own assumptions, their own conclusions, draw their conclusions about Brady, draw their conclusions about me as a parent But at the end of the day, I just have to remember These people don't know me and And they're never going to know me on a deep level because that's impossible. Nobody's ever going to know you on the deepest level as the people who love you and truly know your heart and know you And I think if anything, I find peace in that O People who know us Kow us That's really the only people you genuinely need in your life and that you need to understand you is the people who know you and love you. And everyone's entitled to their opinion. I think that's a hard lesson I've had to learn. So much at the beginning, I felt so much anger. towards the public. and I mean, I still do. I think I have every right to I also put myself in the shoes of Unfortunately, I would probably do the same thing and have assumptions and have opinions and have thoughts about what happened. And naturally, I think it's natural human reaction to want to put blame on someone. It's the only way that you can come up with a logical reason of why it happened or how it happened is to place blame. and I think in some ways, it makes people feel better. I mean, I can't can't fully blame people part they're really connected. or resonated at least with me was this idea that You're already being yourself up enough inside and you're already hurting enough inside there There's nothing anyone could say to you that could supersede that personal blame and personal responsibility or pain that you're putting on yourself when you've gone through something like you have and that What else would you like? people who may be filling in the gaps with their own commentary or as you said allowed to have their opinion and What would you like to say what would you like them to know from your perspective I could say a list of things that I wish people knew or a list of things that I feel like we're said wrong or assumed wrong or facts. but It just really doesn't matter. I feel like all that matters that I want people to know is just how much we loveve trick. and how much we miss him And how Trust me We beat ourselves up every day We know what we could have done differently Hindsight really is twenty twenty and I promise you, there are so many things now looking back. that I wish we did differently. the only thing I can do to honor Trag and to show my love for him is Take care of Teddy and hopefully brought awareness and do my best to make it so that hopefully less families have to go through what we've gone through. I would love to say that I can do my best to make sure this never happens again, but drowning is the leading cause of death in children Three and under. I feel like there's groups of people who hear about it often It's not talked about enough And I really want to make an effort, especially going into this year and especially being where I am in my grief journey of I feel a little more ready. I think I've finally accepted that this is what took his life I really just We want people to know that this is preventable And it doesn't have to happen to you And I mean, that goes for so many preventable accidents. That's what I really think matters that people need to know. There's nothing I can say that's going to change people's minds And not I'm not here to do that. When you say it took you eight months to even accept that This was what tragically took his life. What were you wrestling with? What were you grappling with? in order to accept that? What does that look like? I don't think I'll ever fully accept what happened to him because although it was preventable just feel so cruel. And especially that night and the way things happened It really felt just like a series of you know, you play it back and you're like, how did I go wrong there? and why did I leave? And Why did this happen? Why did that happen? It's hindsight. You go back and you replay and think, what could I do differently? What could I change I just think that's kind of the process. You just have to go through that just replaying it To be honest, just over and over again, thinking about all the things that we could have done differently, thinking about the things that we will do differently. And I don't really know if I have an answer for how you accept it. I think everybody does it in their own time, but I don't think I'll ever really accept that he's gone. I don't think I'll ever really accept What took his life because it is just so terrible The pain that he went through was so terrible I'm just doing my best and Like I said, I don't think I'll ever fully accept it, but I I acknowledge it And I know that I can just only do better from here What kind of professionals did you go to? What did they talk about people who may be going through something similar or struggling who are listening right now and I think we're not even aware of The fact of how many people are suffering with something similar, we're not conscious of it until it happens within your proximity. what were some of the Therappies, the methods or the healing practices and approaches that actually help when we First lost trig prettyretty much immediately within about two weeks of us getting home. It was very quickly my family found out through other people who had suffered through child loss, which I'm so grateful for the amount of resources that Even though they weren't directly reached out to me because I was not on my phone. I was not on social media. I didn't even have a phone just for our mental health of like You do not need to look at anything. You need to just focus on yourself and your family. We immediately after about two weeks went to the care form that I was kind of mentioning and they use Animal therapy J basically interacting with animals You speak with health professionals while you're there, licensed therapists, licensed doctors They're not there to heal you. Nothing's going to be able to heal you. They're there so that They can teach you the best tools And I feel like that's where I really learned that it's never going to go away I have to just coe exist with this forever. pain, the hurt, the heartbreak is never going to go away It's just gonna to hopefully become a little more manageable I can't shout out my family enough. they truly are what have carried us through this they got us in with therapists, great grief therapists that specialize in loss and child loss We're in Ps counseling weekly We've just been doing as much work as we can because there was nothing else we could do I give so much credit to anybody who works in that space because I cannot imagine the weight that they carry hearing the amount of things that they do the heartbreak, the stories I've talked to my husband about this before of I cannot imagine two parents coming into you telling you what they've been through. and you having to try your best to either guide them together or help them heal a little bit, talk them through it or if they choose to be ap partart, helping them through that in an amicable way That has to be one of the hardest jobs. Yeah. you guys are doing. reallyally important work. Did you meet and spend time with other parents who'd also gone through child loss? Was that helpful? Was that not helpful? wasas it Did it feel too close to home? L? I've had a couple moms that I've talked to that have been through some similar things And that has been helpful. But At the same time, I think that really unless you talk to someone That is going through the exact same thing at the level of exposure that we did, it really just felt like There's nobody to talk to. Who is going to relate to what I'm going through right now, what we're going through, what Trig went through, like I just It really felt impossible. And so I really haven't gotten to a point yet where I've reached out to like support groups, but in the future when I feel like a little bit more time is passed I think I would feel more ready to do that. What does a good day look like right now? A good day? your definition of one What does a bad day look like right now when you're experiencing this grief I honestly don't really define my days by If it's a good day or a bad day I truly, like I cannot stress enough that when you're going through child loss or you're going through loss in general, you're really just living minute by minute, I can't even think about my whole day when I wake up in the morning. I truly just go through it like, okay I'm going to get done what I can get done today. I'm gonna to do what I can do. It's kind of two scales. Your grief is on a scale of one to ten and then your level of managing it is on a scale of one to ten. If my grief feels like an eight that day But my level of managing is a ten. That's a goodish day for me If I'm having more moments throughout the day where I just Can't do what I need to do, I'm okay with that too But I would say just every day I truly wake up like whatever, however the dayay goes, whatever is thrown at me I'll get through it. and I literally just have to take it as it comes N even sure just How much you know how powerful that advice is. it's It's so much better than our Bically cknowledge of whether' a day or bad day, because what you just said is The reality is Okay, grief is on a scale of one to ten of how much the extremity I'm feeling it and then What's my ability to manage it? There's not good and bad days, It's good and bad moments and that's what makes up your days Every day is hard. everyvery day is quote unquote bad without him here. It's terrible. But I still have good moments in my day. And I would be lying if I said that I don't still have some joy and some happiness. like my younger son brings me so much joy and so much happiness But I'm also simultaneously sad and empty. And that's why I just say you really have to learn and you quickly do learn that everything coexists And that's just the way it is. Sharing your life, sharing your journey, sharing everything online is your work, even though it may be enjoyful and fun in moments that it still works What has it been like going back to work while still grieving. And what do people misunderstand about that I've had to set kind of like I said at the beginning, a lot of boundaries of just really taking it day by day of whatever I'm comfortable sharing, I'll share. and if I'm not comfortable, I'm not sharing it And it's hard seeing people genuinely say Oh, you're fine Oh, you've already gotten over it Oh, you you seem like you're doing great It's like this is my job. goingo through it like a job. at any job, you have to show up. You have certain expectations that have to be met And it's also a creative outlet for me. So naturally sometimes when I'm doing my job, I am in an okay headspace and I'm just doing my best to kind of distract myself and get through it, but that is not a representation of my whole day or my grief. Social media shouldn't be anyone's representation of anything, because at the end of the day, it's always, even if you share the good, the bad, the hard, it's what you're choosing to share. always unless someone had a twenty four hour Camer'a going? you'll just never understand what it's like inside someone's brain who's lost a child Yeah. I also can't fault people for that because you're seeing what I'm choosing to show you. And so I really do accept in a way and it's taken me time The hate that I get, the feedback that I get, because I don't expect people to understand. They never will understand. I would rather share quote unquote not enough in their eyes, or I would rather look quote unquote, not sad enough or whatever their expectation is and feel like I'm protecting myself and my family and my inner, deepest, darkest partart of my grief and save that for the people, the professionals that are truly gonna to understand and be able to walk me and talk me through and support me Summer iss a gif a gift of days that last a little longer, a brighter state of mind So giveift yourself a new Kia at the Kia Summer Sticker sales event, Epecially tagacked vehicles including the Sorrento, Sportage, Carnival, as well as the Nuro Hybrid. All backed by a ten year one hundred thousand mile limited powertrain warranty. So the gift of summer can keep on giving for summers to come. Kia Movement that inspires. Call eight hundred thirty three four K for Details hostoafy event and seven hundred six twenty six to deealer for warranty details ne crunchy bite of her Hershey's cookies and Cream bar and I'm taken right back to college moving day. I was a little overwhelmed by the newness of it all. Boxes were everywhere, I needed a break from unpacking. But just as I was able to take a breath and open my Hershey's cookies and creream bar, my roommate Rachel walked in. I offered her a piece, but she said no Then after a beech, she said, actuallyually, those are my favorite ones We left. The ice was broken and we've been friends ever since Hershe's, it's your happy place This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistus with Matt Rogers and Bo and Yang. This is Bo and Yang from Los Culturistus with Matt Rogers and Boen Yang. Hey, Boen, pointint of order. It feels like nothing is what it says it is anymore. Point of answer. It's because everything has a catch. Hey, or turns out to be something else entirely like a total catfish situation. Exactly, Bau. Except for hotels dot com Yeah, that one's pretty literal because it's hotels dot com d in the domain You go there, you book hotels, hundreds of thousands of them. And hold up. that's. It, That's it. And when stays are booked as a member, rewards are earned every time. Every stay, every stay, no tracking or managing, just rewards that can be used like cash on future bookings. Which by the way, already feels nicer than most rewards programs. Okay? Yeah. members can also get up to twenty percent off booking. so savings start right away. Does that mean no weird restrictions? and no blackout dates. Book what works when it works actually really fitting of real travel. So the name is honest, you're saying And the rewards are too. Eactly. hotels. com It's in the name People on social media can't be your therapist and can't be your guides and can't be and they shouldn't be. Yeah. it's not their role. Yeah, exactly what you just said. it's a It's a great mindset to have to understand that that's not their role and And that there are people that you're seeing in order to experience that. And at the same time I I do really, really wish for the world that especially in moments that are not Divisive it's easier to be kinder. We've talked about you being someone who's gone through extreme loss grief and going through guilt, shame then there's the added component of your work And then there's the added component of parenting. while you're also grieving the loss of a child Talk to me about that particular type of grief I've gone through so many different emotions with parenting since We lost trig and just being completely honest, feeling Not good enough feeling unfit feeling like feeling scared? Losing a child really shows you in the scariest most real way possible just how life can change and how quickly life can be ch literally taken away And I think that really scared me with Teddy There's so many things in my control that I can do, prereventative measures I can take, ways I can be better I mean, there's a list of things as a parent that you can do to protect your children. But there's also so many stories and stories that I heard after we lost TriG where I was like That was completely freak accident not preventable And that's an element that's been hard and parenting him is realizing that there's only so much I can control I always tried to remind myself that I have a choice to make. I can either Let this completely derail me more than it already has. and not really feel like I'm fit or able to take care of my younger son or I can do everything in my power be the best mom I possibly can for him and give him the same love that Tgg had and has And I made a promise to Trag Right before we lost him, I was going to take care of Teddy. That was actually like my final. promised him was like, I will take care of your brother because at that time, I felt like I couldn't It really just was too much. It felt I could I couldn't even take care of myself That has kept me going of I made a promise. I'm going to fulfill it. And I'm going to give Teddy the best life I possibly can And that means showowing up for him, showing up for myself. doing everything I possibly can to makeake sure that that happens. This is actually something that did make me really sad when we lost Trig was So many people naturally said Teddy's going to have such a terrible life. He's never gonna to have the same parents that he did so many comments and it's true. he's never going to have the same parents trick as. We are fundamentally changed by this But I will be even better And I think I almost took that as Motivation of I will give him the best life I possibly can I will be the best mom I possibly can to him I'm so sorry you had to go through that as well really love what you're saying. you are accepting that you will be that you are fundamentally different But that doesn't mean you can't be better and and can't give more love and those two things again can coexist that you have changed, that you are different, that You won't ever be the same person that you were before naturally. but That doesn't take away from the fact that you absolutely love Teddy and want to give him the best life that he could possibly have. When I was Thinking about today and thinking about a conversation, I was just thinking about all the multiple layers of loss, grief, pain that exist in someone's experience. and I think the other part of pain for you is having to go through grief while someone else is grieving too to me about how it feels for you grieving while The person that you're parenting with is also grieving We've really done our best to grieve together and to talk through Every emotion and every feeling and I really give. Prty so much empathy and Respect have so much respect for him honestly and I think that would maybe shock people, but He has allowed me to take out every emotion I've had throughout this process, whether it's on him or spe to him. or with other people and I just have so much respect for that of how much he has just let me feel every emotion and he's never made me feel bad for it He's going through so much as well And like I said, we are the only two people that can understand at all the other person is going through. And so I just really in a situation where a lot of people would say N forgive my husband. I could never stay married to him. I could never this that the other He let me feel all of those emotions. It's been really hard at times to grieve together to be honest, there was a time where I was just I mean, from the beginning, so felt so angry at him of literally, I don't know if I will ever forgive this man But I think the biggest thing that really kind of altered literally my brain chemistry in the way I thought about it. was This could have just as easily happened to me This could have just as easily been me and Brady's position Brady was taking care of our newborn child. When I left for dinner that night, he was def thawing my breast milk tryrying to get Teddy settled, five week old baby. and that doesn't excuse anything. It doesn't excuse what happened. It doesn't excuse any of the series of events after that Taking that accountability along with all the other things I know I could have changed gave me so much tr deep real raw empathy for him of this could have been me. even if I got to a point where I could not stay married to him, evenven if I accepted that of If there is a chance that we don't stay together, this was when we first lost Trig that I felt this way I would be able to forgive him. because I would so deeply want him to forgive me and to know that I didn't mean for it to happen And that's exactly how I feel for Brady. I really just have so much empathy and love for him and he is so strong and I'm really proud of us, honestly and how we've grieved together all therapy we've done that I feel like we've really been given tools. that even though our grief is so separate, We have really done our best to come together even if we grieve separately at times and we each have our moments because I think that's healthy too. You naturally don't sit and really all the time grieve with your partner. You do, but there's so many moments throughout the day where you guys are feeling different emotions, ones at a ten, ones at an eight It's not each other's job to balance it out Your job is to let your partner feel what they need to feel and then be there for them through every emotion And I'm really proud of us that I feel like we've done that And just done our best truly to really remember that All we have is each other in terms of understanding what we've been through and how much we love and miss him Thank you for being so apparent about the reality of every emotion that any human would feel naturally in that situation. and and even the resolution that you've personally come to, where it being the respect and the empathy and the understanding, you've got such a big heart It just goes such a big hop. It's actually really u extreme healing listening to you because it's something we're all working on in our own way with the people closest to us. You're just working on it in the most extreme way I'm happy and thankful that you feel that way with each other and that you've been able to express every feeling and be every version of yourself and even allow yourself to have the thought of Can I forgive? Is this going to work? And then Finding resolution through that And I'm assuming that There's been times when you've needed to rely on each other, as you said, because you're the only ones who can understand. And times when you've needed to rely on family beyond that My husband really is the only person, one of the only people besides licensed professionals that I really feel comfortable feeling every emotion of grief I think that's natural because we raise Tgg. We love him with every fiber of our being. That's the only possible person that's going to understand the love and the miss and the hurt and the heartbreak and the void of losing your child. And so naturally We have the most deep profound emotional conversations with each other because it's usually us coming together about how much we miss him or a memory that made us think of him that day or just all the conflicting emotions of what happen and what we've been through and the feelings that we feel I would hope and I think I'm the same way for him is we're really the only two people that we feel like we can truly be open and vulnerable with on that level. every day Have you found that helpful to talk about Drag naturally whenever he comes to both of your minds? and I love to talk about him It obviously makes me sad But He truly was and is such a light And although so many people didn't get ch literal honor of meeting him anyone he came across in his life, I mean We still have his teachers reach out to us and they're like, we love him so much and this reminded us of him today and Yeah, it's really helpful. I From the beginning, Brady and I told our families like, I never want a world And I never want Teddy to grow up in a world where this is an avoided conversation because even though it's a hard conversation and it leads to a bigger conversation, I'm sure Teddy's going to have so many questions as he gets older um I never want a world where people don't talk about him And I feel the same way for sometimes negativity talked about us surrounding him of If you're talking about him and you're spreading awareness Really, that's all that matters to me I just don't want him to ever be forgotten. And he won't be and having daily conversations in our house I've added so many photos around our house of him because I just want his face to be everywhere and I don't want it to ever be something that Teddy or anybody has ever questioning what he looks like or who he is We've really made an effort that he's constantly brought up. My friends know it too. If I see something that reminds me of him, I'm always like, Ohh my gosh, Trick would have loved that or This is what he would be saying because he really just was such a funny kid. And so loving and the best and I know everyone says that about their kid, but he was just the best When you lose someone you so deeply love What a For you Hurtful things people say and what are helpful things people say? It's a good question. Be I think when people lose someone, no one knows really what to say I think one of the most hurtful and confusing things people can say is anything in the realm. and everyone has their own beliefs, but anything in the realm of He's in a better place or this is just what was supposed to happen because It wasn't. It was preventable. It wasn't supposed to happen best place he could be is here with his family, with his little brother Growing up. the best placeac he could be. I think that's always hurtful and people kind of use it as a band aid of like He's in a better place, it's okay. No, he's not This is a child that had an entire life ahead of him, so many memories so many things that He was looking forward to, we were looking forward to. he didn't get to experience yet. so saying that to any parent who's gone through child loss, at least in my experience is just very hurtful and unhelpful That's the last thing a grieving parent wants to hear. All you want to hear when you lose your child is I'm so sorry. and He deserves to be here or they deserve to be here. and I wish you weren't having to go through this and I wish he hadn't gone had to go through this. That's the only only things that they don't help They make you feel loved and comforted. Emily, why have I not asked you today that You wish I did That the main thing I hope people can take away from what Tick went through and what our family went through is just once again that it's preventable to Please, if you have a pool and you have a young child, get a pool fence. I know there's other options. I was there I choseen that I regret it Having as many barriers to entry is what's important So that's swim lessons, that's ISR lessons. I have Teddy starting ISR as soon as he possibly can What is ISR sorry for? It's swim training for young children so that they can learn survival techniques, whether that's floating on their back, if they're too young to be able to swim, they usually teach them it fully clothed so that they if they're in any situation, they can figure it out and it just gives them the resources that there's time, there's more time for someone to confine them. The biggest lesson is always going to be watch your kids. donon't take your eye off them I don't care what anybody says. That's not one hundred percent realistic. Every parent gets distracted. Every parent has things that naturally You could be going to the bathroom that you have a moment where your eyesn' on your child, make sure that you have every other barrier so that God forbid something happens. you're able to act and they're not in a position where They can lose their life And I really feel like that. is is the most important thing. I hope people take away from what happened to Traig is just to please Protect your kids. There were many reasons why I wanted to speak today. One was to truly get to understand what you've gone through and to banned Our compassion and heart and empathy towards you and love towards you and And also just this wonderful service that you have and purpose that you have to want to make people aware using your loss and pain that you've gone through to actually help others and keep them aware and thing is really