The Future of Dating with AI

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You know, That's the beautiful thing about them. They never change. What should be a deal breaker in dating? My BS eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one. and if the man runs away, he's not ready for a serious relationship. What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship? If I need you, that means I am operating from lack Are you what you're trying to manifest? because you cannot attract what you're not Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. Today's guest is going to dive into the topic that I know is on your hearts and minds the most. Love Dating relationships, the part of our life that brings so much joy but equally can create so much pain. Today's guest is someone I've been excited to have on the show. I finally have her in the hot seat. Her name is Sara Al Madani. She's an entrepreneur, author, who transformed her own pain into powerful guidance for others. Sara's known for exposing the hidden patterns of toxic relationships If you've ever felt confused, controlled, or disconnected from yourself, Sarah will help you understand why and teach you to identify narcissistic behavior trauma bonds and heal the parts of you that were taught to settle for less. If you don't follow Sara on social media already, I know you will after this episode. And if you're interested, you can grab her copy of Dar Narcissist. This is the book that I want you to go and grab. We'll put the link in the comments and we'll be talking about it throughout the episode. Please welcome to On purpose Sada Al Madani Sara, it is great to have you here. I've manifested this on my birthday So on my birthday I was like, I'm going to be on Jay's show And here I am. When was your birthday? twwentieth of Jane That's amazing. And that was this year you had this vision Yeah, and everyone wass like, Ohh, you're crazy. I'm like, no, because I'm a manifestor, so I knew it was going to happen And here it is. I love that. Well, I've wanted to have you on for a long time. I'm honored So it just was waiting for you to manifest because I've been wanting to have you on. I've been following you for years and I've always stopped to listen what you have to say because I think there have been so many moments where I've just found, oh, this is the right thing to send to someone and this is the right thing that's going to resonate with someone. And so I'm a big fan of yours. and I love the work you're doing. I love the way in which you do it. You also have the coolest style. There's so many things I want to talk about today But the first thing I want to talk about is right now we're experiencing all of our listeners and I'm sure you experienceced this. People feel lonely They feel disconnected. They feel like they want love in their life. They want to find the right person, they want to find the right partner What should someone be asking themselves? before they start dating It's an understatement of we know how people say, I want this kind of guy or that kind of girl. I want to manifest this kind of love or that kind of love The true question that a lot of people don't actually look deep into is are you what you're trying to manifest If you want a successful man, are you successful? If you want a kind loving man, are you kind and loving? If you want hardworking person, are you the things you want to get? Because you cannot attract what you're not. And I think this is something that people don't pay attention to. They just don't want to put in the work. they just want to get it easy. But that's not how life works because in the end you will attract who you are from the inside. So if you're broken, You will attract broken people. I used to think, I don't hurt anybody. I'm such a nice person. I'm making money, I'm working hard. You know, I'm a single mom. life is great. I don't have traumas. I've been through a hell and back, but I'm okay now But I want someone good And every time I went out there and I opened my heart, I attracted something bad. Not knowing that the reason I attracted bad things is because Even though trauma Sometimes it's not loud. it's hiding It crawls around in situations and shows up as triggers or like in your decisions or choices you take And this is where good people don't understand that even if you're good, you still need to do the work Even if you're good, you still need to be whoever you want to attract. So I think that's something people don't want to look deep into I really appreciate that distinction. I'd never thought about it like that. Really? Yeah, like what you just said, that people are good people. And they're wondering why bad things happen to them or why they end up with the wrong partner or the wrong person. And I couldn't agree with you more that I think that When you're doing that work, you naturally set better standards and you naturally don't deal or accept less than you deserve because if you're already happy, successful, organized joyful ambitious, whatever those qualities are You know what it takes to be that And so now when you meet someone, that person can either match your energy or they're gonna show where their gap is. And it becomes really relevant. What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship? Want comes from abundance. It means that I have nothing missing I want you for who you are. I'm content, I'm happy, I'm fulfilled. I don't need anything from you. There's no hidden agenda. But if I need you, that means I am operating from lack, so there is a hidden agenda It means that okay, maybe I want to be with you because you make me happy Maybe I want to be with you because you financially fulfill me. Maybe I want to be with you for whatever reason it is. Need is not a good reason to obtain something. I need to I shouldn't need you. I should want you. I always try to teach people this and it's hard because we've been taught growing up that we need love and we need and we need to be in a relationship. We need kids, we need all of these things, but we actually don't. We're here to experience life. Whether love or children is part of the experience, great. Whether it's not, you should be content with yourself It only when you are content and you don't need anybody, this is when you actually bond with someone and you purely love them But if you need them It's like, there's always a hidden agenda. And once that need is fulfilled, you feel like you're disconnected from them because you didn't really want to be with them from the get go. You just needed something from them So this is why I always say Be whoever you want to date, be whoever you need for yourself, and then go out there and get whatever you want. It's hard because we've been programmed all our life not to think like that. So imagine after thirty something years, I'm trying to change the way I think. Neuroscience they say neuropaths can be created in twenty one days. So you can, it's not impossible. We just have to remove the limiting belief. And that's the hardest part. What's a dating non negotiable you have today That would shock your younger self. What has changed for you that you would have negotiated with before. When I was younger and I think a lot of people agree, I thought mysterious men were so sexy. I thought the more mystery, the more beautiful it is, the more But now now, if I could look at my younger self and I go like, that's unattractive. Clarity is attractive mystery and not understanding where you stand with someone or who they are or what they do, It's not attractive. It's actually such a turn off because it shows you the person is not aligned and the person iss not a leader. and not transparent and honest. That's something like F looks in myself Every time I used to see a guy who's mysterious, I'm like, Ohh my Godd, that's so hot now it's like,, biggest red flag ever. Is there a part of you that's still like I killed every part of me that wanted that. So no. But it's important to reflect back like that because I think we can all remember a past version of oursel and how we were either trained or conditioned to be attracted to a certain type of person. and how that changes over time as you grow and you mature. And that's proof of what you just said that you date who you are or who you become T becausecause you're saying, Ohh, as I've grown, my taste has changed. Yeah. I think we've all experienced that in different areas of our life that as we grew older, as we matured, as we became wiser, our taste changed in so many things. so why not in people But it feels like we keep going back to the same people. For so many years, before doing the inner work and all that My taste was changing as' like looks wise, height wise, whatever they do and life wise. But it was still the same man in different bodies. That's it So it was the same toxic traits. I think it's because we attract what's familiar to us. They say better the devil I know than the angel I don't know, right? Because I know how to deal with the devil. I know where it ends. I know this is not forever. I know the hurt and the pain that comes with it This is why I kept on going to what's familiar. I remember when I finished doing the inner work and finished my healing, I was like, even looking at pictures of my exes, I'm like, what was I thinking? But it's trauma bonding. So a lot of people might think, oh no, I was in love. I really love reflecting on old relationships. And I would love people to also sit and reflect on their old relationships after doing the work You do this game where you put their names and you write, why were you attracted to them? and you realize where were you trauma bonding? And only when you can pinpoint these things is where you grow Jay. Because a lot of us, we throw ourselves into healing. It's like walking into a supermarket and saying I want to bake a cake. canan you help me? It's like what cake do you want to bake? I need to give you the right ingredients. So when people go to do the inner work, they just throw themselves into healing not knowing What are they healing from? Where did this all start? What's the root of it all? So people don't go so deep. They just w to heal the surface. My last relationship, relationship before, but all of this starts away from childhood doesn't start from a relationship, right? I mean, it's an entangled thing to do the inner work, but it's not easy, but it's such a fulfilling Rewarding thing to do. What's the difference in your mind between compatibility and chemistry? Chemistry is tricky because I cannot depend on chemistry because it's hormonal, it's endorphins,s you meet somebody, excitement. Last year, I learned that when you're nervous on a date or when you're feeling all these things, it's actually a red flag It means your nervous system is not It's trying to tell you something. But we the movies and they taught us that to interpret them as butterflies and they're the right one and that's how it should feel like. A friend of mine once told me a quote that actually made me sit at home for hours and think about my life so much. She told me, donon't look for a firecracker, look for a fireplace. Firecracker is when you have like all these butterflies in your stomach. and that's not a good thing. You should look for a fireplace. The boring guy, the calm guy, that's your guy, you know? And it took me time to realize that Chemistry is tricky because It might be misleading Compatibility is more sexy for me and it's more long lasting.. I treat relationships as business. So a business partner that has so much money or an investor and they have so many companies. Chemistry, very attractive But if there's no compatibility in the way we think are ethics and morals, I'm investing my money and I'm throwing everything out down the drain because it's not going to go anywhere. It's not a good investment. I look at compatibility and if there's compatibility, chemistry can come later I don't need to have chemistry from the get go. Yeah I don't know if you noticed have you ever watched movies where you were like watching the main character and you're like look that good. And then halfway through the movie you're like, oh my god, they're so hot. That's because you fell in love with the character in the movie, right? But it just shows you chemistry can be delayed. It's not a prerequisite. Yeah. I love the fireplace and firecracker analogy because I feel like it's all about the feeling you get from being in that person's presence. And when you said that, I was thinking a fire place can actually beautiful It's not boring at all And it makes you feel warm and it has this sense that you want to be around it. Like if you see a nice fireplace, you usually want to go sit next to it, you have beautiful conversations while it's there. L you're really present around a fireplace. True. Where if you think about a firecracker, you crack it for one moment, you experience it, and then it's over and it's done, love is almost like I want to see that person first thing in the morning and I want to be around them at the end of the day. I want to see them when I have the best news to share. and I love that they're there for me when the worst things' happening and totally I can't wait to come home to them and at the same time I'm really excited when I see them every day. like it's so much more about peace and Comfort and warmth, which the fireplace versus this quick big bang No no one ever says that about love. L when you really talk about someone you love L even if it's a family member or a friend, you don't really talk about it in that way, but we do with love. Yeah. You keep talking about the inner work and you mentioned it a few times already is in a work because people throw themselves into it, as you said on a relationship, whatever but I think also People throw that word around. We just say, I'll do the inner work, but what is inner work? The word inner work and healing is trending like kale and avocado and matcha, you know what I mean? Everybody has a tattoo of it or it's in their bio on Instagram. As cute it is seeing that growing and there's like this woke culture and everyone's talking about it It's so important to live. not to exist. And if you're not doing the inner work, you're just existing. What is the inner work? The inner work is Going deep down inside, removing all the masks that life and society and everything you went through had to put on your face, and you lost your identity throughout the way Doing the inner work is removing mask by mask, mask by mask until you finally reach who you truly are So basically, who are you before people told you who to be, how to be or what to be? Who are you really? Be this conditioning. And I always say, we are born with blueprints. My name is Sarah. that's my religion. This is my family, that's my country. this is what I eat, this is wrong, this is right. So I'm born already with a blueprint Am I beyond that blueprint? Who am I beyond that yes and no, this is wrong And this is the curiosity I want people to have. And the only way to find the light is to clean the corridor And if the corridor is messy and there's trauma and there's all these things Can you live a life without doing the inner work? You can. I don't call it living. I call it existing becausecause there is much more to life A healing. like the grass is greener where healing is. The inner work, how do you do it It doesn't matter how you do it. Some people go to therapy, some people do hypnotherapy, Some people do plant medicinine, some people do whatever it takes to find your way back home And what is home home is you, this body, you know I used to hear it all the time I never understood it until I sat down and went deep spiritually. When people say, we are a fragment of God. like my soul is a piece of God. Therefore, this body is a temple. I always thought it was a metaphor, a metaphor, Beautiful. My my God, how beautiful is this saying Until I realizeed oh crap God does live inside this temple and this is the temple. So now I'm more careful about where I take this temple, who touches this temple, who gets in this temple, how I treat this temple? Because it's like, where are you dragging God to? I want people to go deep. I want them to be curious. I want them to declutter, to remove all the darkness so they can find the light and the light is to go back home backack home to this And this is not home until you remove everything that's distracting you. everythingverything that's in the way of the light. But I cannot pinpoint one thing, Jane tell you, this is the recipe to heal. No, whatever you're doing, as long as you're doing it. Go out there and try. I appreciate that takeake on inner work. It's before the world told you who you are. what you are Who are Yeah, why you should be and It's so true. I think about that all the time of how many of our Values are adopted and inherited versus chosen. Yeah. And so many relationships don't work out because you have an inherited value and your partner has an inherited value. And you both don't even care about that value. No. But you both believe in it because it came from each other's parents. And now here you are dealing with someone else's inherited problem And it's almost like an inherited disease where you end up having something and now it's affecting your life today Yeah you didn't get to choose. but with your values, you actually get to choose. you actually get to decipher whether they exist or not and It almost feels easier and more comfortable not to do inner work What was the first step? of it the work that you did. What did you see when you started to do it? All my life, I've been in five relationships, okay? Two of them were marriages that didn't work out And I was just confused. The first marriage, the second marriage, the relationship after that and after that I was like There's something weird because I feel like I'm with a different man. But I feel like I'm with the same man And I didn't understand anything about narcissism or toxic relationships. Back then, I didn't have a lot of information online and podcasts and all that and awareness. When you're curious, you go deep, like you enter the rabbit hole. And I was like, what's happening here? Instead of me focusing on, o my God, they're bad. They're this, pointing the finger and being a victim all the time whichich a lot of us do because it's comfortable to be a victim. I don't hurt anybody. They hurt me. Look at me. I'm the broken one I realized being a victim does not serve me, does not make me grow, doesn't get me anywhere. And only when I started pointing the finger on myself, because it takes two to tango, Wh did I go wrong? What did I do? Where is my contribution to this? Because I need to grow out of this And only then I started looking at my life differently and like looking into healing My journey started with some therapy I just did not like after every therapy session, the therapist was like, seeee you next week. See you next week, see you next week. I'm like But I feel like I need you now. I feel like I'm depending on you. How am I learning And I'm a very stubborn personality ever since I was a kid. So I was always curious and asking questions. So I was like, why see you next week? See you next week? It was a bit expensive. I was young. I had my own business at that time. Insurance did not cover that. So I was like Why do I keep going back? And then I was like, o, let me now that the therapist pinpointed what's wrong, let me move to something else. So I went to hypnotherapy. And after hypnotherapy, I went into spiritual healing and I went into meditation and I went into this and this and tried so many things This is why I'm trying to tell you If you tell me which one of them worked, I tell you all. So there is no wr recipe or a location map. I can drop you so you can come to the healing space. It's anything you try. anythingthing you do for yourself is valid can help you in some way. And once your heart is open to that topic or that journey, everything comes to you. People call me up, Hey, you want to go to this retreat. And then this post comes online. It's like Instagram's algorithm. You know when you go on your for you page on Instagram If I want to know J, all I have to do is go on your for you page and I would know exactly what type of person you are because of the algorithm Similar thing with the universe. whatever you think, whatever you believe, it becomes your algorithm. you attract it, just like Instagram for you page. Once you set your goal and your mind to do the inner work The way just shows up. Once you start walking, just the way shows up. The number one thing you said in your own said that resonate really deeply was inner work started the moment you stopped pointing the finger outwards and took responsibility I think that is the definition of The first phase of in work is being able to say This is where I'm responsible for my own pain. this is where I'm responsible for my own suffering. This is where I'm responsible for my own choices And that's not saying you're taking the blame. I think the word blame is Bad both ways You don't want to blame anyone else, but you definitely don want to start blaming yourself. And so when you can take responsibility and accountability Now you can actually make progress because now you've transformed life from what you can't control to what you can control. You can control what you do and what you did and how you behave and what your beliefs are And you can't control how someone treats you no matter how good you are. But you can decide how long you tolerate it and how long you accept it for How does someone today set their standards You have to first understand what are you okay with And I think the biggest blessing in my life was not knowing what I wanted, was knowing what I did not want. becausecause that gave me so much clarity because when you do the healing and you do the work, it's like you're meeting yourself for the first time So I remember I took time away from people so I can get to know myself I used to know the old me, how she reacts, how she thinks. after the healing, I'm like, okay, so what does she do now? How should she react now So it's like a blank page and you get to meet who you are and you get to mold her to the best version or him to the best version. I feel like boundaries and how you set the tone or what's okay with you, what's not, what do you want? what's not? it all depends on you. It depends on your expectation and life, how do you value your relationship, what do you look at What do you want the most? Like what is your love language? So it differs from person to another For example, I don't think love is a feeling Okay because Children when they're born, they're pure they love everything Animals, they love everything. They don't need you to provide to be successful. They don't need you to have a label or anything. It's like love is God's language. so we're born with it. It's natural. It's like even if I meet someone in the street, I don't need to know you to love you. I love you. on a certain level, right But for me, love in a relationship is a decision. It's a decision to stick to the person whether things get hard or not That's why they say in sickness and health and rich and poor, all these things because it's a decision. If I decide to be with you whether things are the way I want or not, I have to stick to my decision. Similar to if I invest in a business, I cannot right now as a CEO and an investor, say, I don't feel like going to work today. You can't. You don't show up, it dies. You don't show up. peopleeople vote you out. You don't show up, things don't work out Similar to how you feed energy into a business, marriage relationship is a business. If you don't show up every day, it's not going to work It's like bread. you have to bake it fresh every morning. othertherwise, it's not going to work. And people feel so comfortable in relationships. they feel like, okay, once I got the kids, once I got married, I don't need to put the work. And then they complain, oh, what's the secret to a long relationship? How come your marriage is working? and mind is not It's because George, Jenna, the same amount of energy you put into your business into your work put it into your relationship. It's as simple as that It's an investment. Yeah. It's definitely a decision because emotions go up and down. Like have you ever felt like, you know, you love your parents to death, right? But sometimes you feel like you just can't stand times you just you just want to mom get away from me, mom, you know, not today, but I love her Which means if my relationship depends on my feelings, one day I'm up, one day I'm down, it fluctuates, emotions are unsteady But if I made this the decision Whether I'm feeling it or not, I will show up because I made that decision. So love is a decision. It's beyond an emotion Okay, not so fun fact Autoimmune skin conditions are actually on the rise. Cases are climbing nearly twenty percent every year I know, terrible opener for a podcast ad. But here's the thing. I'm Holly Fry, and our skin exists precisely because of stats like that. becausecause more people than ever are living with conditions like psoriasis and hydrodinitis suprativa. and most of them are doing it alone, without answers, without community without anyone to tell them what the heck is actually going on. You know, not that many people knew about it and I felt kind of alone like, am I an outcast? That's where we come in We talk doctors. We talk appointments that are well, a disappointment We talk about the flare ups and the breakthroughs. Then we dive deep into the wild, occasionally gross, always fascinating history of how humans have tried to understand our skin over the centuries. Spoer alert did not always get it right. Listen to seeason three of Oour Skin, a personersal Discovery podcast on the iHart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Celebrate fourourth of July savings happening now at the Home Depot with select appliances starting at do three hundred and ninety eight dollars Plus, get free delivery on appliance purchases of three hundred and ninety eight dollars or more, no membership required Get a whirlpool fridge with easy reach zone to keep tall items organized and accessible. and upgrade to a washer dryer tower with UV clean technology to reduce bacteria in the wash without fading fabrics. Shop topop brand appliances now at the Home Depot offer vail about june seventeenth to Julyet USe store online for details Hey everyone. It's Cal Penn, host of EarsSay, the Audible and IHart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with Will Wheaton who played Gordy Le Chance in Stand By Me forty years ago and now narrates Stephen King's The body, the novella that inspired it all We talk about what it's like to return to a story that shaped his life, channeling his memories of River Phoenix in the recording Both, and why the friendships you have at twelve might be the most important ones you'll ever have I know Gordia Lchance. I am Gordia Lchance. Like I mean, even when I was a little kid, I was Gordia Lachance when I didn't know it Listen to ears say the Audible and IHart Audioobook Club on the IHart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts I feel like people have deal breakers in dating right now What do you think is a healthy way of knowing what a deal breaker is? or what is a deal breaker in dating What should be a deal breaker in dating? A deal breaker. Okay, let me explain to you how I date first. Yeah. So I want to know. From the get go, I sit down. I do not waste your time or mine out of respect for both, right? So I'll sit with a guy and I'll be very honest. I say, listen I'm forty next year, okay? I don't have time. I've been married twice. I'm a single mom. I want to settle down. I don't know how long I'm fertile for, okay? So I want to start a family What do you want And the thing is a lot of men run away because they think I'm saying I want that with you. No, no, no, I don't want that with you. I just met you. I don't want that with you. I want that in the future, whether it's with you or with someone else. So my BS eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one You know, And if the man runs away, then he's a boy. he's not ready for a serious relationship. Because even if you didn't want this, you can still sit and have an honest conversation about it, right If he sits and talks about it, I'm like, okay, there's potential there. He's mature enough to hold a heavy conversation like this. I believe in honesty from the getg go. I believe in transparency. I don't believe in wasting your time or mind, three, four, five dates, dinners and all that. Why? Am I going through all of this? The only thing I can't take back is time And because I have respect for the person in front of me, whether I'm interested in them or not, as a human being, I respect them. I am being honest to respect them in return as well And if that works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But for me, Deal breakers in a relationship is For example, on a date, a guy who doesn't want to have a serious conversation, an honest conversation, that's a deal breaker. someomeone who is for me, someone who's like Comfortable and not ambitious is a huge deal breaker someomeone who is in their toxic masculine, as in like, they want to show off. they want to put their voice louder. They want to treat people bad, just to be more masculine, but on the toxic side. And you know, toxic masculinity, you can smell it, you know, day one And then narcissistic people. like this is like my I think how do you know that though? How do Oh, gohe. First of all, it's the eyes All narcissists have one thing in their eyes. It's undeniable. I don't know if you've ever been with a narcissist or had a friend that's a narcissist. It's like their eyes give it away. Interesting. I'm going give you a theory that I talk about in my book. I'm not sure if it's real or not, but somehow deep down inside of me, I'm so convinced this is true. Do you believe that we live in a simulator, right? That's an interesting take. I mean, not a simulator. This is an experience. Yes. Okay's this we can name it anything. Okay In the simulator, how does it get more interesting? How do I learn if everyone's good, if everyone's life is easy and all that? So I feel like just like when I'm playing PlayStation, you know, have you ever played like, for example, Brand Theft or You've seen the NPCs around. They are real people But they're not real people. They're just bodies to describe you, to make the game more interesting for you Looking into a narcissist's eyes. Okay It's like looking at NPCs I feel like they're not human. I feel like they're NPCs. I feel like They're just bodies put on earth to make the experience harder so you can learn but they're not real. I don't know. I bet you anything, anyone listening to this, they go like, o my God, yes, that's so true. They're dead inside. There's no soul inside of them. There's no empathy, there's no soul, there's nothing. Even their brain scans are different.ike it's like I feel like they're not real. I feel like they're just here as obstacles for us to grow and learn. I mean, that's my theory. No, I love the theory about obstacles to learn. Its I've never heard someone say it's amazing. It's amazing. This is the first time for every. Yeah, it's amazing. But also easy giveaway is their behavior, their body language, But for me, the first thing is the Ie Sometimes even the shape of the eye, For example, if the pupil' too small, so the space between the white space is too big It can also be like a dead eye, a narcissic dead eye. So you're just there staring at people's eyes trying to figure them out. I don't need to stare at You don't know straight. You know what's crazy? I can smell them when they're sitting somewhere. I think I've done so much research and been through so much that I've like aced it. I can usually tell how I feel about someone's energy from the words they use and how they speak can give It's usually for me. L as someone who I consider myself quite intuitive and I feel like when I sit with someone, I can very quickly figure out how I feel about their energy and But to me, a lot of it's based on words we use, the things we talk about know, And so I'm using a lot more information that they're giving me. And then there's a general body I agree with you on like body language, body posture, all of that kind of stuff as well, which is nextext time look at the eyes J. I will now I'm say I've never ted that before. So todayod you help people with dating. You've written a book called Dear Narcissist. like you're talking to people about their relationship. You talk to people about inner work How did you know In both of your marriages, it was time to leave When it's abusive, physically, mentally, emotionally Yeah, when you go through that and you tolerate it for a while, one day you wake up and you're like, what's going on? Like what the hell is this? This is not okay. This is not what life is about. And then you look at the relationships around you And you're like, no, no, something is off. This became the norm But then one day you'd wake up and say, no, this still doesn't feel normal, although it happens every day. I had to put my ego aside too understand the whole situation. Why do I say ego? Because in our culture, in our upbringing, you know how they say divorce is not the best thing, right? It's frowned upon. even if I'm from the Middle East, even in the West, it's frowned upon. So people stick in marriages and relationships because they fear what the outside would say about them or she failed in the relationship And you know, sadly women get the blame most of the time My ego made me stay longer than I should because I was like, what will the family say? What will the people say? And then especially in the second marriage, when the same story started happening all over again, I was like, oh my God, what do I do now? Do I get divorced? And people say she's done it twice My ego was not my amiggo at that time and it made me stay longer than I should. Did you stay longer in the first one or the second one? first one Yeah, second one was nine months, which is great because I already started doing some inner work But the first one was almost dating and marriage thirteen years. It's heartbreaking because I think also There's the ego part But then it also seems like there's the part of not feeling worthy of more Yeah. That's there too. There's the ego of what will people say, but you're basically saying I would rather accept this then people saying bad things about me. Yeah, that was also my case. It's like a people pleaser, you know, I just want to be loved by everybody and chosen by everybody. I want everyone to see me in the best image ever But that's zero authenticity. Yes, I did this because I wanted to make sure everyone is okay And then I realized that everyone was okay, except me And this is when I was like, no Some people, they don't mind having a war internally. to maintain the peace on the outside, you know, And I don't want that. I used to go home, have a war internally every day. But on the outside, I maintain the peace. Now, it's the complete opposite. I'd rather burn everything around as long as I have inner peace. But all of that, why didn't you walk away? Why did you care about what people say? Y ego, bl blah, All of this comes to one conclusion Lack of self love It's as simple as that. If I loved myself, if I respected myself, I would have never been in those marriages. I would have never been in these relationships. But at the same time, I'm so grateful and thankful because they were my teachers as well Whoever hurt me was my master, was my teacher, and I have a beautiful son that came out of it If you ever tell me If I give you a magic wand and I'll take you back and you can rewrite your story. I would rewrite it the same exact story all over again. I would not even change one inch of it because then I wouldn't be sitting right here in front of you. So I am the woman I am today because of what I went through. There's a quote that I love so much. It says, you cannot break someone who sees beauty in everything, even pain. So a lot of people think they broke you, but for me, pain is a teacher. It either makes you bitter or better So you can't break me if I find beauty even in the ugliest, darkest places That's what I live by every day. In darkness is where everything starts, a baby in the womb, a seed underground. It all starts in darkness. Instead like of people thinking, oh my God, we got the best of her No, you created the best of me. I'll come. You know, I'll take whatever you gave me and I'll create something way more beautiful for the world. What's your message to men and women who are in toxic relationships right now My message is that I've been there And I know it's not easy to leve. I know it's not easy to understand And I know there's a cloud on top of your head and no matter what we tell you, you're not going to listen And sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to let them suffer so they can learn But if I can give you any piece of advice, is that Remaining in that toxic relationship or remaining in that place is slowly killing you day by day. You're losing yourself. Let's say you're gonna live until you're seventy. We're talking about seventy winters, seventy summers, you know, seventy autumn. That's not a lot. Every single day wasted is day wasted You are deserving of a new story. You are deserving of rewriting your story. You are the captain of the ship, you are the director of the movie. Rewrite your story Endings, like people are always scared of ending things, you know But endings are so beautiful because it's an opportunity to start something completely new And I want them not to be scared of going out there and fighting for the life they deserve instead of sitting behind a window and watching their life pass by. I wish, I wish, I wish. what if I? Wh? Why? what if? Just go out there and do it It will upset and piss a lot of people off when you live your life the way you want But guess what? You're not here to please anybody. You're not here You weren't born with a permission slip that needs a signature. You don't need this or that or him or her to approve anything. The only approval, the only signature you need is from yourself. The thing is a lot of people want to be free, but they don't understand that freedom is freeing the mind. And what they also don't understand that the key to that cage is in their hand. They're always waiting for others to open it for them. No, go out there, rewrite your story I have a sister and a brother and my sister's not married. My brother just got married. And I was sitting with my mom and I said, M, I'm thinking of getting married again. She's like, donon't you ever dare to even say that two weddings is more than enough. Your sisters ares not even married. You have cousins that are even miss Stop it. Leave the man alone. Leave the man alone. In her mind, God bless her soul. She you know based based on culture and all that and everything. She's like, you've done it twice. You make money, goo live your life with your kid now I don't want to live my life the way my mom expects me to live or my society expects me to live. If I have to get married ten times and get divorced, so be it And I always tell my parents When I die and somebody takes my story and wants to to make it a movie, it has to be a. good movie. That's why I'm gonna keep rewriting my story over and over again. So my advice is that to anyone that's in a toxic relationship, I dare you to go out there. I dare you to experience. I dare you to have the balls in the guts to say I'm worthy of something more than the breadcrumbs or whatever I'm getting You deserve not to be hit. You deserve to be respected. You deserve flowers in the morning. You deserve the bare minimum that you beg for. You deserve this on a daily basis My advice is just this for them, justust go out there. you know I have the courage to live life, and not just to exist How did you find that strength when you're in that painful position? Because it's almost like When you're on the receiving end of any form of abuse, you feel like you're weakest Because not only is that person Beating you up. Sadly But there's also you beating yourself up for accepting that. What did you do? And what have you helped others do Find that courage. and give themselves that permission in that moment when it feels like it's impossible. The anger when I was doing the healing, the anger towards myself was way bigger than the anger towards them becausecause toxic people are consistent. You know, That's the beautiful thing about them. They're shitty and they're shitty all the time. They never change. They show you who they really are. You're the one that's agreeing to stay. So the anger towards self becausecause I'm in this situation, I'm agreeing to stay and all that. That is what takes a toll on your body You asked, how did I manage to rise from all of that and everything You know rock bottom Rock Bottom has a basement. Have you ever heard of it? People think Rck Bottom is the end. There's a basement down there. Every pain, every heartbreak, every every agony is an opportunity for you to meet God. That's where I'm met God, notot in rock bottom in the basement of rock bottom These hardships are an opportunity for you to meet God. And when I met God and fixed my relationship with God and got closer, and understood that relationship. Then my self love journey started. A lot of people, they remember God when they are in a bad situation. When they're in a good situation, they forget him, right Or for example, if anything goes wrong, God, why are you doing this to me No, Martha, you chose George who was toxic. He beat you up day one, you stayed. God has nothing to do with it. We tend to hang our mistakes on God and say call it fate And this is what happens when you don't do the inner work. You will choose bad, you'll go through bad things, and you always end up labeling them as fate. Oh God, o fate, or that's my destiny. It's not your destiny. You wrote this destiny, you chose this. You're the author, you're the participant, you're all of that. This is how I got out of it is when I met God in Rock Bottom And I felt that deep love, although I was in a bad situation, I felt so much love. And then I realized that I have to give that love to myself before trading it and giving it to others. And the reason why I was always broken is because I gave it to others before giving it to myself I'm an empath, but this is where empathy becomes toxic. You know, I become a toxic empath I love using this word with a lot of the people that I coach and all that. I say an empath without boundaries is like a house with no doors. Imagine just an opening without a door Would you stay in this house? No, definitely not. Now wouldould you buy this house Would you stay for long? No, No, it's unsafe, right? So people who are full of empathy but have no boundaries are not safe. That's why nobody stays with them. That's why no matter how much they give, people leave Because they can't even put it in words. People just can't stay You know, only when you build that door, not a wall because a lot of people build walls, but while they stop thingsings and good things. Build a door, open it for good, close it for bad, Build a door, protect yourself, protect what's in the house. If somebody enters that house, make them feel like they're safe Show them your leadership skills and the decisions you take in life so they can trust your leading All these things are just important Yeah, you were saying that you coach people today, what are the most common things people come to you with? Like what's the thing you hear the most?er like love interest or childhood trauma. The thing is I'm an awakening coach. So what I do is I awaken your senses, your spirit, your healing abilities, I teach you And then I ask you to never come back to me again. becausecause if you keep coming back, I'm failing. Like this is not how it should work. I think what triggered that is my therapist. Remember how I told you the beginning. She's like, come back next week, come back next week And I always telling my patients Don't come back next. Don't come back. If you come back to me, that means I'm not doing something right It's just you awaken to show them their true powers Because they should not depend on anybody. They are the healer, they are the teacher, they' the master, they're everything But they just don't know that You just need to show them their own powers. You know, we use the power of meditation, immersive experience, using sound, using vibration to show them their power. and it works. Most of the time. so yeah, that's how we teach them Okay, not so fun fact Autoimmune skin conditions are actually on the rise. Cases are climbing nearly twenty percent every year No, Terrible opener for a podcast ad. But here's the thing, I'm Holly Fry, and our skin exists precisely because of stats like that, because more people than ever are living with conditions like psoriasis and hydrodinitis suparativa, and most of them are doing it alone, without answers, without community, without anyone to tell them what the heck is actually going on You know, not that many people knew about it and I felt kind of alone like, am I an outcast That's where we come in We talk doctors. We talk appointments that are well, a disappointment We talk about the flare ups and the breakthroughs. Then we dive deep into the wild, occasionally gross, always fascinating history of how humans have tried to understand our skin over the centuries. Soer alert we did not always get it right. Listen to seeason three of Oour Skin, a personersal Discovery podcast on the iHart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Fourth of July savings are happening now at the Home Depot with select appliances starting at three hundred and ninety eight dollars Plus, get free delivery on appliance purchases of three hundred and ninety eight dollars or more, no membership required Upgrade your kitchen with a modern and sleek GE profile refrigerator featuring hands free autofill for the perfect pour every time. And make laundry day easier with two in one washer dryer combo innovation that completes laundry in about ninety minutes Shop top brand appliances now at the Home Depot. offer about june seventeenth to Julyeth US only store online for details Hey everyone, It's Cal Penn, host of EarsSay, The Audible and IHart Audiobook Club This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with Lily Chu, the author of the Audible original romantic comedy, Just Kiss Already It's a story about a forensic anthropologist who secretly writes mystery novels, an actress who adapts his book into a film, and what happens when a meme and a mediatur collide with a slow burn romance It's performed by Simul Lu and Philippa Su, and it is an absolute blast When you actually hear the performance, You realize that other people are't taking your words and what you thought was kind of a straightforward sentence like the cat in the corner is black In my head, it's the cat in the corner is black, not the dog, not the derbil. but someone else might say it, The cat in the corner is black That's always fascinating to me how they just bring in all these different nuances and really make it fun and interesting and distinctive Listen to Earsay, the Audible and IHart Audiobook Club on the IHart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts You talked about meeting God in the basement Yeah of Rck Bottom, and that was the empowerment that you needed in order to get out of that space. What was that journey like for you? Like talk to me about what it looked like to build a relationship with God that gave you that strength The relationship with God was number one to stop blaming God for everything I have a free will, you know? And if you have a free will, a free will doesn't come with a butt. God can't say I give you free will, but I will do this Free will, your choice, your decision, your life, everything. However Our choices sometimes are pre chosen for us because I cannot choose my parents, right? So I came through the parents, the parents have the trauma, they pass the trauma, they pass this, they upbringing the teachings and all that. I am part of a cycle. You know, it's like I enter the game. I'm already like part of the whole game So fixing their relationship with God is understanding that I cannot blame God for everything Bad that happens. But I should have gratitude for God for everything good that happens because without him acccepting and seeing how hard I'm working I wouldn't have gotten that blessing So understanding that God is not angry. God is not waiting to punish anybody God is full of love. We are all His children. There's no segregation between who we are. He sees us as one. Once you remove these doubts from the image people created about God, once you remove that and you look at the divine part of who God is and how unconditional H love is It rubs on you, you have no choice but to start loving yourself because you are a fragment of him. And if you love him, he is inside of you Your soul is a piece of him. You have no choice but to start respecting and practicing self love. That was my biggest lesson ever, just fixing my relationship with God. It fixed my relationship with work, with family, with everything around me Because if you have an idea of the creator, Guess what? That idea imprints on everything in life. If God punishes, how can I trust him? How can I trust her? If God is angry, of course they're angry. Of course he's beating her up. God also punishes So it's like Understanding that I fear God, yes, I have respect for God. If I do wrong, karma will serve me as well. Understanding the game of the universe and how life works is also important. but at the same time I am the author of my karma. I cannot say, oh why is this happening to me? I have to reflect on what I've done in the past that this is happening to me. I feel like out of everything in the universe that I've learned about how it works and all that Karma is the most fascinating one, you know Because there is no one sitting there just watching and pressing the button for karma. It's an algorithm. You know, you do good, you get good, you do bad, you get bad You know how everyone says karma' a be, right I don't think karma iss a B. I think karma's veryy intricate, she's very smart, she's very eloquent. she knows when to come. And karma does not fold the sheet of the table when it's empty. It pulls it when the table full. Sometimes it delays the response. it takes time But I love the system of karma that we have. And it just shows you how balanced and how fair God is Yeah because you're the author, you give you get fixing that relationship, understanding how God works and Building that love you have no choice but to love yourself. Yeah That's as simple as that put you in some scenarios. These are people that I know right now dealing with dating challenges. So I'm going to ask you their scenarios. I have a friend who She was seeing this guy, they really hit it off. sparks, chemistry, everything. They're seeing each other every day for three months And then all of a sudden, he goes cold He doesn't want to continue to see her And she's trying to figure out what's going on. and then a month later he's just not interested anymore No big breakup, no big message, no big reason, no cheating, no nothing. It's I'm not ready for a real relationship right now. But three months of seeing each other every day, amazing relationship, great dinners, great meals, all the rest of. Sounds like love bombing. okay. And I'm not gonna say he's a narcissist, but narcissists do that for three months, they have to act pretend to be a roll. sometometimes three months, some of them are so good they can do it six months I don't know if he's a narcissist or not, but it looks like he was love bombing her Let's remove the narcissism out of the equation. Okay let's just talk human language now. If he goes to D and act like you don't see him because ghosts are things you don't see. okay? So pretend like he doesn't exist because he just walked away after sparking your interest I feel like it's very disrespectful when a man awakens something in a woman and suddenly decides to just disappear, okay To me, it's so unattractive that I wouldn't even cry about it. Like I don't cry over spilled milk If he's gone, he's gone, you're worthy of much more. And thank God, it's three months. Imagine if it happened in three years. At least you're protected, you're saved. The language you use is so interesting when you said when man or even in any situation awakens something in someone else. And I think that's the painful bit. It is. Like even the language you used, I was like, yeah, that's what's so painful for this person They felt this like generation of energy that was so exciting to them. Yeah. They weren't even saying forever They were just excited about the next few steps with this person. But I'm pretty sure if you had a conversation with her, not now, maybe in two, three months And you ask her Did you see any red flags from the beginning? There was red flags, but guess what? They were blurred with the chemistry This is why chemistry is very tricky. What are the red flags we miss? For example, if you meet someone and from the get go, they're like, oh my Godd, I wantan to marry you. You're the love of my life. It's like, bro, you don't even know my middle name. You don't even know what I like to eat You don't even know how do I handle stress? What if I'm evil? You don't know anything about me. I feel like when people push T much, it is sexy, it is exciting, It makes you feel wanted and it's so beautiful If a man doesn't push and takes it easy, we feel like what's wrong with him. Why is he pushing faster? But it's healthy push fast. It's healthy to take it step by step. It's healthy to take the time as a man and a woman to look into things and not rush But this sounds very rushing And also My advice to that girl is that you see that rush the guy gave her at the beginning She should have that rush with herself. She shouldn't need a guy to give her that. I think she was just in love with the version of her that he brought out And that version should exist anyways without him. But in the end of the day, if he ghosts you, we can't see ghosts, so pretend like he doesn't even exist. Thats I love that. Yeah. I've always said I'm like, don't fall in love too fast. It's so easy to fall in love really, really fast and speed things up. and You have no idea what this person's history is and you're planning a future. You have no idea what this person did yesterday and you're already excited for tomorrow. and you get lost in this vision and imagination that Bill over having a tiny bit of information with them and Yeah, you just shouldn't fall in love too fast. It's scary and crazy to do that. Another mistake we do is we romanticize potential. Tell me about that. It's like you look at a guy and you tell your friend, hey, maybe you know, if he works harder, he'll be somebody. Maybe if he does this, he'll do that. Mbe, maybe maybe you're romanticizing potential. Can you look at who's in front of you and be with the person in front of you because that's who you're getting The potential is beautiful. you're looking at it. He might never reach it. It's false hope. You're feeding yourself false information. My only advice for this is look at the person and believe what they say and who they say they are As simple as that. We have this very interesting approach where we're constantly like, Ohh ye, I love everything about them. Apart from this one thing, I wish they'd just work on this And there's a part of us that's well intentioned because we're like, oh, we see this potential, we see this growth But really what we're saying is I don't like them how they are. Let's drop the BS. Let's just say it as if no one's listening. I wish I can change them. That's the first thing you're saying. I'm walking to this relationship. I w want to change them. I wantna make them the way I am because that makes me happy. First of all, selfish, wrong intention, ill intention. The intention they want is to change somebody And that's not what it should look like. It should be accepting someone, it should be loving them for who they are, accepting them for they they are. Actually, what makes relationships interesting is the differences we have between us. We should celebrate the differences, not dim each other's differences, and try to pull each other on each other's side. likeike come to my side Now, in relationship, both couple have to work together to be the best version of themselves. So obviously we're expecting growth. I expect you, you expect me in a relationship to grow It's as simple as that. Even trees grow like we have to grow But to go in and say, oh my God, she wears a lot of short clothes, sh clubs, I'm gonna change all of that Why Leave her for Amanda loves her for who she is. If your intention is to change day one. wrong relationship to walk in. It's as simple as that. I completely agree. I also think that People who end up changing people It happens by example, not by what they say. Totally. And I've transformed my life so much by watching my wife's habits as opposed to her telling me to do those things because I'm so inspired by the fact that she's committed certain habits, like I've seen her eat healthy, workout, whatever it may be. And I've learned so much just by watching her where she's not telling me to do those things. And I always feel example is the best, most attractive thing. If someone just does the right thing without making them look like the right person. T It's the most attractive thing in the world because you're like, well, you just do that because you see the value in it You're not trying to get the value of what people think of you or how I perceive you. you're not trying to impress anyone. You do it because that's your commitment to it. And that's even more attractive because you don't see that that much anymore. This is the way children are as well. Children, they don't understand by what you say. No matter how much you sit and scream and tell them, they watch how you do and they become. Yeah. I think all of us humans were like that. If people tell us, we become stubborn and we fight back and we're a bit resistant, we want to remain authentic to our personality. But when you watch something and you watch how much value it bring to someone's life, you slowly You know, join them. Yeah, whenever anyone asks me like, how do I change my partner My honest advice is just do the thing. If you do the thing, they'll do it over time because they'll see the value if it's that valuable Do people change? I believe people change But at the same time I don't believe it's my responsibility to give enough chances until somebody changes Like it's not my job to wait on someone to change. because what if they don't You know, so there is a chance there, right? And I'm not willing to take a risk. For example, let's say, I'm thirty nine now I'm turning forty next year And I'm with this guy and he's not even sure if he wants to be in a relationship or have kids or he's like, let's take a step by step But I might not be fertile two years from now. I could have been with someone else who's ready and had a family, right? When you are with somebody and there is like promises and all that, there is a risk How much risk are you willing to take? and for how long It's not wrong. If I say, I'm sorry, I cannot be with you because I'm in a hurry for something else. It doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me a very honest person, and I'm saving you and myself time So I just love genuine open conversations. I think people change a lot. I think peopleople don't change for you and they don't change for me. like they change when they want to change And if someone's changing just for you, then they'll change back as quickly. I think the fear people have is, oh gosh, I'm going get that person to change and then they're going to change for the next person and they're going to be so good for the next person and not for me Okay, if I was with a guy And I've changed him And I knew there was a chance he might be better for someone else. If I love someone, I want the best for them And if the best for them is not with me, you're very pragmatic. Y, Sarah, That. I mean look, okay, your team here that works for you. areren't you training them to be the best? Yeah, for sure.. One day they might leavave for sure. And do a better job than what you do, right? For sure. you don't mind that. No, I don't m that. Becauseuse that's leadership. Yeah. Why does leadership disappear in relationships? Yeah, it's so true I want to teach my partner. I want to make him the best that even if he ends up with someone else, As long as he's happy, I'm okay. I think that's the hardest thing in relationships because And you're so right, the business analogy makes perfect sense. There's a I can't remember, it's one of these old stories, but They asked the CEO like You know, so you're going to invest in people's training, you're going to spend all this money on them. What if they leave And his response is, well, what if I don't train them and they stay? And he's like, that'll be even worse. Like if they get better and they still work in my company, it's the worst better. And I think that's the idea that If you're not investing in your relationship getting better you end up staying with someone who is just that you're stuck with. Exactly. Even if they're not the right person. But also this idea of forever is such a scam Because nothing is forever. I will die, we will die, everyone's going to die. Nothing lasts forever. and people mistake in love with possession. Like they think if I love someone, I need to own them. They're mine, o, nobody can have them. That's wrong. L should set you free. Think of it as raising a kid. If your mom was let's say so controlling because she wants to protect you, overprotective and all that. The kid gets sick. they want to run away every now and then. So the more you are treating emotions as possessions and people as possessions, the more they want to leave Because love is freedom. Love is guiding them to be better even if they don't end up with you. And it's completely fine. You were saying before that self love Is at the root of all of this For someone who's listening right now and they feel they have low confidence, low self worth What would you encourage them to do Self love It doesn't just disappear out of the blue. You're not born not loving yourself It's a conditioning that happens from childhood, whether you had siblings, your parents were not fair or they didn't show you affection or love or whatever it is. There's so many reasons for self love to disappear And a lot of people mistakeen self love by other things. For example, I have a friend who she's like, she travels first class. She buys the most expensive things. Her house is great, cars are great, life is expensive And she always feels empty. And she always says the same thing. She's like, I love myself so much. I don't know why I feel empty. becausecause people mistaken this three D experience, which is buying the things and the house. great. There's nothing wrong with that. But that's not what self love is, That's not the end goal because when you die, nothing goes with you, right Otherwise, why doesn't the G class to go to heaven or wherever we're going, right? The point is that a lot of people think that just because I go to the gym, I color my hair, I do the surgeries, I look good, I love myself. No, this is all external fun things to do, but self love is saying no. seellf love is boundaries. Self love is putting yourself first Self love is wearing the mask first on the airplane before putting it on others. Self love is not explaining yourself, is being authentic regardless of how people perceive you. Self love is being honest no matter what the outcome of the truth is. There are so many things to self love and the only way to obtain it is to go back to the day where it was stripped away from you And you were told you were not enough Was it when you were four? when your dad was screaming at you? Was it when you're three when your mom was upset with you? Was your uncle? wasas your all starts from childhood In science, they say your personality is created from the age of zero toill eight. So that's where your personality is created. So whatever happens at that time, trauma wise, all that and everything, it affects you throughout the long run. For example, me, I dropped to university, okay? because I had a business at the age of fifteen. So my father was like, oh no, you have to go to university. you can't do this. And I was studying film and I wasn't even studying physics, you know, I was studying film and directing and acting But at the same time, I had a business, I had staff, I had to take care of. I had to make a decision, either this life or that life. And I dropped university, which upset my dad so much One day my dad was sitting down and when he found out that I dropped to university Out of love., imagine. he's not even saying it out of spite because my dad's my best friend. Buba without this paper You're not going go anywhere in life. No one's going accept you without this degree No one's going to take you, it's not going to work. However, I was sitting down and I remember my reaction was like, Oh no, let me show you what I'm gonna do y Yada, yada yada yada But when I went home and I slept the child in me The subconscious mind started taking these words my dad said And they were fermenting in my head. you know, You're not worthy, you're not worthy. My dad, my best friend, said that to me. And ever since I started making choices based on I'm not good enough. I'm not going be good enough. No one's gonna notice me. No one's gonna to do this. And I stayed for so many years rebelling to prove that I can do it. Although I've done it, I did it. I became successful. Yet years later, I was still proving and proving. instead of enjoying my success, instead of enjoying life, I was still proving. So this is what trauma does to you Ths and creeps in your decisions in the way you act and everything like that, even your triggers, you know? If we are conscious enough to put our ego aside and look at our triggers We realize that our triggers are our untamed shadows. That's what they are. And this is why, you, when you do the inner work and you do shadow work, you tame your shadow. You don't kill it or get rid of it. You cant get rid of your dark side. You're a Ying Yang, you exist both of you inside one So when you tame your shadows, you don't get triggered anymore. So even the triggers, the untamed shadows come up And these are all trauma responses. These are all I don't care how kind, how loving, how good you are. We're all broken and we all need fixing and we all need some work so we can find ourselves again. And I urge everyone to look deep, no matter how good you are I can even find, for example, if you give me figures from history that have changed the world that's say figures that have like they're selfless that have given their life to the universe and to serving humanity. I can even find trauma, you know. So yes, you're doing great things, but That's not the point of life You know, the point of life is not just to give up everything. Do you believe that You can ever miss something that was meant for you Yes and no. Because if I miss it, it's still meant for me. So look, this is how I believe manifestation is. because I'm a huge manifestor I believe that Manifestation is about surrendering, okay? What does it mean? It means if I believe that I want something and I believe and I demand it from the universe. okay, I want it, I' demanding it I still have to prove to the universe, I'm worthy, so I still have to put the work Putting the work is still part of manifestation Surrendering the results is also a part of manifestation. So I do the work and then I surrender all my results to the universe and whatever comes my way, it's for the best. whether I get what I want Amazing. if I don't get what I want. It's divine intervention is protection, is redirection, It's not a rejection. So this is how I look at life. It's almost saying that if it missed you, then that was meant for you too. I want to ask you your quick reactions to these Classic love cliches I'm going to read them out and then you give me a reaction to them. Okay. So opposites att tract Yeah, no, it's not it's not a factual thing. What's your take on it? I mean, opposite is great in relationships. similar is boring as well But I've seen people who are similar who have great lives together. So I think it's all compatibility in the end Love is blind Love is definitely blind. In a bad way, a good way. Love is blind because our hormones drive the car. So if we are conscious enough to understand how everything works in the body Yeah. Yeah, hormones don't have eyes No Yeah that's the problem. What's your take on this? You'll know when you know. Yes, I believe in that. As I say, like being with a narcissist, you know when you know. How about Love is all you need I don't believe love is all I need. I need love. I am all I need. I like that. I like that. You complete me. No I complete me And if you complete me, that means I'm using you. What's your take on love at first sight I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in like at first sight. you know, I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in so many emotions, but not love. Love takes a bit of time. What's your take on absence makes the heart grow fonder I mean, it does, but if you are with the right person, you'll miss them even when they're next to you So But it does, it does. When you spend time away, you miss people Okay, not so fun fact. Autoimmune skin conditions are actually on the rise. Cases are climbing nearly twenty percent every year No, Terrible opener for a podcast ad. But here's the thing. I'm Holly Fry, and our skin exists precisely because of stats like that Because more people than ever are living with conditions like psoriasis and hydrodinitis suarativa. and most of them are doing it alone, without answers, without community, without anyone to tell them what the heck is actually going on. You know, not that many people knew about it and I felt kind of alone like, am I an outcast That's where we come in We talk doctors. We talk appointments that are well, a disappointment We talk about the flare ups and the breakthroughs. Then we dive deep into the wild, occasionally gross, always fascinating history of how humans have tried to understand our skin over the centuries. Soer alert did not always get it right. Listen to seeason three of Oour Skin, a personal disiscovery podcast on the iHart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts Celebrate fourourth of July savings happening now at the Home Depot with select appliances starting at three hundred and ninety eight dollars. Plus, get free delivery on appliance purchases of three hundred and ninety eight dollars or more, no membership required Get a whirlpool fridge with easy reach zone to keep tall items organized and accessible. and upgrade to a washer dryer tower with UV clean technology to reduce bacteria in the wash without fading fabrics. Shop topop brand appliances now at Home Depot offer about june seventeenth to July at US and Lease St store online for details Hey everyone, It's Kal Penn, host of Earsay, the Audible and IHart Audioobook Club. This week on the podcast. I'm sitting down with divergent author Veronica Roth to talk about her sprawling new novel Seek the Traitor's Sun. It's a sci fi fantasy epic about two protagonists on opposite sides of a war and a prophecy neither of them wanted. My first book was Divergent. and when that came out, like Bezz was so popular, I think it attracted like mostly positivity, but the negativity I sucked in like a sponge And I think It was like critiques of things I liked when I was like You know, I was twenty three and I wrote this book and it had all my like dorky little cheesy or maybe unrealistic loves in it. And I started to feel a lot of shame about those things. And so for the rest of my career, steered away from those little things alike make you feel pleasure when you read. but I also was like saying no to these parts to myself that I then was like, sccrew it. Yeah So that's this book. Listen to EarsSay, the audible and IHart A audiobook cllub on the IHart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. One thing you said when I asked you about your relationships, your reaction was I have a very neutral reaction to it now. Yeah And I was thinking about how much Forgiveness is a part of inner work and inner healing Even when you talk about some of this stuff, it almost comes across as you have no emotion for it. N not in a negative way. I'm saying in you feel very neutral or like I can sense that that's real for you That's pretty remarkable because you said your Fchion for like thirteen years. It's a lot of time, a lot of energy. Talk to me about what it took to forgive after going through a narcissistic toxic relationship I struggled with forgiveness a lot because I did not define it right See, the brain is a computer and the more I break down information, to understand, the more it acts accordingly. When I was told you need to forgive, to heal I said, how, Forive physical abuse? How can I accept something like that And then I understood like after doing a lot of spiritual work that forgiveness doesn't mean whatever you've done was okay or I forgive you for what you've done to me and I'm fine with it. No, I'm not fine with it. I never will be fine with it. But I forgive myself for choosing to be with you. I forgive myself for allowing these things to happen, for staying for so long because you showed me who you are And am I really mad at you or am I really mad at myself? So forgiveness and closures is within me If I forgive myself, I can easily forgive somebody. The definition of forgiveness once I redefined it, is what changes the whole game Also, forgiveness doesn't come with, you know an open invitation back That's the best part because a lot of people feel like if I forgive, I have to welcome them back. No Apology accepted, access denied. If you didn't apologize, it's okay, it's fine. Acess still denied. Forgiving doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened It means I feel nothing anymore towards it. If I'm still angry or if I hate any of my exes or anyone bad in my life I still have feelings for them. Be feelings doesn't just mean loving If I hate, I still have feelings, I don't want feelings. Some people are not even worthy of any emotions towards them. So I'm indifferent. And the way I know I'm over something or a situation or I've healed from it is when I'm indifferent If I go back and I'm still triggered or I feel something deep down inside, I'm like, o I have feelings. I gott to get rid of them Even if they're negative Even if they're hate, even if their're anger