Cheating at family competitions

This summer, serve up the cookout cllassics, Oscar Meer hot doogs and Heinz mustard Grill up a dog, add classic yellow mustard, or load it Chicago style We all know it's not a cookout without Oscar Meyer and Heines Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew, and that took me by surprise You really launched into that was people by the way, people who are watching the video, by the way, welcome everybody to a very exciting episode of Fashsh of Pappy' Flashshare. But people who watch the video say that I have got a sort of spaced out look on my face in the intros and never more so than this one. I'm literally get gazing in there Yeah Gazing off into space and then su after down the barrel but welcome one and all to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flatshare. It is a very exciting one. Tom Ben and Matthew, the three of us sit together and we chew the shit. Shoot the bat talk about Ben. It's very fun. So get into it. This is one of those about. This is one of those never to me either Just ac cross, I' sat there while Tom and Matthew, this has discussed me. Tom and well we do discuss discuss and discuss you in equal man. Tom and I talk over Ben in every sense of the term. He sat between us and we don't let him get a word in edgeways, but today is one of those very fun episodes where Clarkkey attempts tellell an anecdote ennjoy, we'll see you on the other side. Before we start this very exciting episode of Pappy' Flatshare, let me tell you all about the next Pappy's Flatshare slamdown. It's happening on june twenty second twenty twenty six in London. That's right, London, the nation's capital It's at the Phoenix, Cavevendish Square and you're going to see Chloe Pets and Phil Ellis as our guests. Absolutely brilliant guest. Phil's never been on before. Chloe's been on before. We can't wait to have both of them on, But come along to the Phoenix, Cavendish Square on the twenty second for a fantastic flatshare slamdown. Tickets are still available And they're available from Pappiescomedy. com forward slash liive. Cannot wait to see you there. Now O with the show. Um Oh yeah Oh yeah, yeah yeah ye. Already, whenever Clarky wants to start an episode Harry has the whiff of blood in his nose. Straight away, Clarky says, by the way, Clarkkey's not said a fucking word, just the j of us talking. Clarkkey says I've got a starter. off Parry goes and I'm always ready to interrupt Parry interrupting Clarky The system works guys. Good story, by the way. Yeah. I think I see like I got a pooped on by bird. Oh day. Oh no. Yeah. Oh More misadventures at Britain's unluckiest boy Even the birds have got a whiff of it you try and tell them anic. I wasious it a boat at the time, I must say anic boat. Locky's anneic bo. Those a clarky anic boat. Oh yeah Yeah per properly on the their face. Yeah, boy, Jul That's good. Now that's mad because we thought when we paid that bird, we assumed We knew he was good. Weew we didn't know how didn't know how good. He said he had great airing. He did say Were you sunbathing or something? No, it got me got me in movement. So you was walking offering your face to the skies. You werent sh shanking it You went' dunnel out the flat again I told you about sh sh. God got out throughw the sewer pipe and it got shot on at the end funny thing to happen in sh you were Andy Du Fran crawled through thirty miles of shit and then he gets in the river And he's like fuck this goes back in If anything, it's better in there than it is out here. I would follow somebody who did that Bird shitting on movie ye like Well, because immediately, as soon as you say the shore shank, I think of the patoon as well. O the knees There are certain there are certain images. What front of the boat titanic? Front of the boat Titanic. It gott be on a boat. Truman at the door. Good afternoon, good evening God fuck It's like whenever somebody's like this And you know, any second hour would think of a recent film, but that's not really what we do. recent actually. Truman show. already making couple of years. Okay, what's some recent film? The drama That's a bl. That was a drama, I guess Its terrible, isn't it when someone says Tom, name a recent song on every recent song. you bir Well it couldn't be more recent. It' the person this ist gonna two zero It's our actual birthday. Soor he's gainame the system there Very good Cock in every recent TV show Widows Bay O, You know what? Here's the thing with TV shows exactly. And I did. He said. Birds headad man. Cry and Park Where were you going story. It was just we were just having a walk. a leisurely walk So I stay? let's go for. You are. You were asking. You were rubbing it. I was smiling Yeah I I have been skipping at the time? Mouth open. Were you talking at the time U well, it's me, so probably not. What's the risk with Birdpoo? Can you go blind if it goes in your eyes, can you go blind? Can you go blind with bird, but you can with dog poo, that's famous. Yes. That's the what right Yeah. The big thing about it's rare you get that. I mean, like I know it's because people pick it up and touch it and rub it, but If you get shattered from a height by a dog Is your eyes. into your eyes. E Even e hat. That's really unlucky. Yeah. This is a dog on a boulder next to the river where Aew Fray comes out just sits in his mouth Oh my gosh I guess it's raining A least there's that Yeah Is it raining? I hadn't noticed But I notice that. ining cats and dogs Bird sh's a weird one, isn't it? becausecause it's kind of Obviously not brown Cassically not brand. Well, there is a bit of it going on actually. He tos. S someone has been up close and personal with it Gilded, isn't it? by the way? takes the edge see, it takes the edge just. I didn't felt like it was taken the edge off if I'm honest Was it anywhere near your eyes though? uh Oh' it got you on your on your face down there Yeah maybe say it s aparts your hair slightly and it goes down the side of your eye down your cheek. Yeah, scarface styler you don't know a good one firstirst you get the money, then you get the power, thenen you are fucking out this guys Just to check, that was a pile of cooke I was sniffing, right? It's got white on every's face. machine gutting the skies. Well, they're machine gutning you back. The birds? U What you do then then? Well, this is this This is the thing. This is where it gets interesting. Well I would say that. Yeah then had to try and ask people, see if anyone O swwitiss bankers Yeah. You're going you're going just excuse me I've been shat on by a bird. that. Can you help me Can you give me five pounds? You're basically the woman out of home alone too That's what you've become. Yeahah I u We were like, oh, if we asked parents got a probleam. They'll probably got some wet white got wetite running away. Which we did But but well there was that You shouldn't have tried to kiss the bab He's running for mayor Vote for Ben Biritark. Oh can. The birds trust him enough to shit on him. so so should you Hescaing this shit off the streets Hppy to take it on the chin. Actually good it's not a bad merril campaign for somebody who'se campaign that campaign manifestor is' shit on me so they won't shit on you. Yeah. Then lucky clock Yeah You know what I did the other day. because we we didn'tll dressed as a birds Hide a hand glider. Carry on Oh yeah. It was weird. It wasn't white. He actually did say had a great ty on a zip wire Were you go Sary. It was scary So the other day, because we have had a lot of reform candidates in our area because I'm living in reform Sorry. They look like you funny enough. I'm living in I'm living in reform country at the moment. R you know, we all are. Well, we are yeah, yeah, that's true. But yeah, so Bromley Beckkingham you know, they were they were dangerous. they were there were dangerous areas for reform taken a stranglehold. And they were outside the local bakery as we were driving past and we stopped at the crossing to you know, drive across and they're all like with their science and everything. And I flipped them off and it felt amazing. I loved it. And I'm not a flip off people I don't know. I kind of a person merchant. I'm not a flip off merchant at all. I don't think I've ever seen you flip someone off. Well, there's only one doode who has and his kids unfortunately m bs And But but but yeah, so I flipped him off And he and which I loved. And it was only l please thinks flipping off is voting s tko Tikimo off, that. He doesn't understand what flipping off makes Oh went' straight theallot box. Big cross by the guy's name. That'll show him. No than you. No. Gone. No reform in might. fact I'm gonna do it three times All three of them. cross there, cross there and cross there. That'll learn the bastards Yes Yeah know, so we were driving down we were driving further down the road and then and Charlotte go. Are you all right, not it was I thought it was it was it was like because you never know if like you do it and then you suddenly likeh, it's just person. Stop crying. But But he said he said Have a nice day, right? Oh well, have a nice day. And I said to I said she said Chie said, what did he say to you? He said, I have a nice day. You said, that's classy. And I like No. That is knock. It's not class, is it? N. I mean, I I'm not saying I was classy Ob obviously you have to be class. There's there' no one saying you've got to be classy. but I think I think if it You'reaking on the you're making a lot of noise. Is it a farage impression then as well.er it was very farraage. Was he a faragei type guy? Yeah, yeah, of course.es. He was a far was He was no because they come in all stripes in our area. but this guy was he was an older man, a man of a certain age. Yes grey hair Reasonably well dressed. he wasn't fully suited. You know, you still have other people U but he was definitely but it did feel like the kind of like u you know, when when Farage got milkshaked, he clearly took great pleasure with. Well that's, you know ye, that's disgraceful, but I'll move on. Yeah. and I want should be shat on by a bird. I don't I'll vote for that Pret sureort his milkshake. you milkshaked in the park. We've only aal Skipping along. We've done well. I didn't know what was on the rosette. I just like the look of it. Blue love the color goes through your eyes But yeah, what so what you think it's you think that's not the thing to do? That's not the dumb thing. It's a peaceful protest It is yes I think I'm at Do you think do you think they go low, we go high? Is that what you you're more of that of that kind of thing? I think so. I man you should have done it. it felt fucking amazing. I felt so good. it was just for me. it wasn't it was just for me and him, just me to go. I'm not voting for you and this is what I think of you guys. Yeah Yeah. You know, I think for me it felt it felt like the right thing to do there you go you That's all you can do It felt like the right thing at the time and it still feels like I thing and I'm still buzzing. I'm thinking about it my buing vib vibrating of how good it felt to flip off a guy with a reform post with his hands outside the Sponge kitchen. Youve gott to give him the bird. You gotta give him the bird Yeah Was it a single finger or two fingers Yeah, it was a single finger. It's just that It one of those, which I think two fingers is a bit too friendly. By friendly. yeah, it's bit get out of it. V English though Yeah. Yeah, I just find it funny The two fingers I don't think it's much of an insult Yeah Like I did to my mates to be like, wow, I did my mates.? the last time you did that your mates? Well behind our back, she does it all the fucking time. that's my makes Be my mates, ye man. but I'm hanging out me all my mate the park. Yeah, in the park. It's gonna shut up you what No That is the thing about it. What of the biggest feelings I had with it was nostalgia Be it felt like such like an old fashioned thing to happen. It s analysis last week. It really put me your mind of last Thursday. Bird shout me s itinces like, you know, what do you what do you think of the people who say Well It's lucky. it's not on the face, it's not lucky. No It's about as unlucky as it get. Youre vibracing, thinking about it Did you flip off the bird at the ban. It isn't inherently American thing, it feels like, doesnn't it So give the middle finger, fing Yeah. I'll go one step further and this is sort of visual only, but I think there's that flipping off the bird or there's the sort of new metal thing which is that where where the two knuckles point forwards and I love that. That that feels f good. That's very am it's very hard uness you practice. It's very easy to go. and you come up You br up claw claw bring up And he's like when Einem started doing it, you'll be like, And then you actually start to execute and it's like, I've gotta really practice that. Yeah. becauseuse it comes up and you're like, Oh. fucked it again.. But it's also I just star Treked that guy Where' that feels? I had to wind down the window for this guy Oh yeah, Electric. I'm not doing the, you know, the w thing Electric already, I've got one hand occupied. I can't use that hand to force my fingers into the correct shoulder. Hang a se Charlie, don't drive on. I've got I'm gonna get this guy. Hang on a seck. Let me just get. He thought you'd nbody He thought you'd nazi sleeps him he was like, great, have a good day. Yes, another voter Brilliant. by Gabian Nazis that crashes! I loved it Do you remember because for me the first getting to know the middle finger? Yeah ye was naked gun when Someone's on their driving instruct. Oh ye And it's the driving instructor gets the old lady and it's like, wind down the window, put out the thing now extend the middle finger. Yeah. Very good. And like she goes, and she gives the middle finger to the truck driver. Yeah. It was a naked gun I think, wasn't it? Yeah it is ye. that was my first thing That's me and my sister going, Oh wow, that's rude, is' it what she's just in there Yeah, that's where it came from Yeah, it's very it's very exciting. Yeah, whereas like flicking the V's in the playground got do with my m. so we became friends, is it? Mark' just standing around Who wants to haveictures across? People always' that kest thing, isn't it with his friends? He's just flicking the face to his m God Can anyone can anyone see these mates by the way? I can see the guy in the anorak flicking the visa everyone. The guy in the park governing burnd shit just flicking the visa pass And I'll see your baby wet wife please. No, not until you put down the cata special brew Aly crushed when I first flicked the V's. Oh really? yeah because we're on a school trip And I was like, I'm gonna try this out ' like I'm going to try. We're on the coach, right? I'm flicking the Ves. I'm amaz Yeahah. Kaky's on board. he gets it. love him and his m. Lo this story by the way. And someone said to me Someone said You're doing that a lot today. Have you only just discovered it? Oh I was like, Oh no. Oh no. And the answer was, yeah, I had And he was like, yeah, everyone's been doing that for ages. rumbled? Yeah It's like, you know, it's like when I try to do six seven with my kids. you know, and they tell me it's so last year. Oh no, no. It's one of the things Cleo is obsessed with telling things to so last year and you're like, you've been alive for six years. You haven't had enough years to say so last year. She's right though b. She is right. You've been alive for six seven years I am. Hey remember My brother teaching me the word bastard L late at night and then the next day going to school it's really told you about being adopted wasn't it? I was like what B on the base I went to school the next day and tried it out How did it feel in the mouth Oh there was immediate repercussions. kid I scught a bastard. He was like to his mates. he was like hold it, keepe them there He went car He would have got bured. beat him down. He held we were friend. Get to look up How old does chicken have your face Two eggs cracked twenty fors The start of a lifelong lifelong love hate relationship we having to clean up bags So about what they howled you and then got a dinner late? Yeah yeah What a shady you puncted in the stomach his mom. The Days dust work the boby. Got one of those metal trays and just crack it over your face. WWE style. That's face the wall for the rest of break. What? Yeah Blair witch bro. Hy another good one? Bird shit something Another recent film, of course.other isent. We're getting closer, we are getting absolutely These are almost into the nughties. These are all up for Oscars this year, I believe Mm we had to face the wall. Yeah. ace her all for the rest of the break. and it was his word against yours anyway. she hadn't heard it No, but I think I mean I that I had And after this you still went on to flick your Vs at the makes all the time. ye a rebel. Is that your way of sort of going listen Cool If I swear, are youre going be cool about it or youre going to get a dner? Yeah. What are' you going to do softlord Yeah exactly. Pollockx was the first for us Oh ye me and my sister tried outbolockics at a basketball game I'd saying it with you as rude. Bet start saying it then it was like, oh, we can start saying Bllocks a little bit here What are you say? Check out the bollocks on that. Check out the bos on. My basasket play's got big bullocks. Thatap with the Harlem Globe Totters. E's drib in three balls. Bip Obviously, you know, you know, Clarkke's least favorite baskball player, Larry Bird.estly you want to stand under him. hes slam dunks. You don't want to be anywhere close to him. He's dunkking twice. What What did say? What did she say? What was it she liked they're losing dear right Yeah. likeike oh yeah wasas there was there repercussions? Well, no, because we were there with the Cool Auntie, so it was like that's where that's when we could try it out. That's when we could try it outice yeah And it was the same, I mean, I'm sure I've said thiss the same call auntie who Cassette and this must I mean, again God, this makes I was quite old but gave me a cassette tape recording of the pork fiction same track. With all the swearing open with the big swearing is it there? rightight at the top because I wasn't allowed it So like that's cool cool auntie for swearing by. Yeah. Yeah. And then and then I also I mean and again, in terms of transgressions, I can remember My parents we were going on a school we were going on a day trip with a school with a our grand god sorry, fucking our godfather who was like a family friend and he said, I'll take them McDonald's and they said, anythingthing but a big mac you're allow to big expensive Yes, whatever It's got to be Rywa Cese. That's they y,'s Ryawa cheese in there are. Who's got the pulp fiction soundtrack? V Re cool. And then we got in and he said you can have what you want on the menu. Oh And then we got in and said to M my dad, we had big mags and got sent to our room So like we would always transgress and always tell was. I remember I remember you had trying to transf it to yourself. Yeah. Fairy that with Ben flicking the beast. It's like we hang out It's it's very Christian Y, isn't it? It is your sin conffess be forgiven. Well yeah, but I mean, o yeah's the thing Yeah You confess and they they said you're to bed, you're like, Ohh J say to ar Bllocks. Flick the east to mum my dad, ground it for the rest of your life Are you a swear in front of your parents now? Still. Really. So even if if your parents come to a flatsest slamdown, which let's face it, they do they very regularly. I swear. Would you wouldould you ever think would there be a part of your brain going? Oh I won't I won't swear No, I trye joke. I try not to let it affect me in that way It's funny how like there's an automatic sliding scale that kicks in isn't there likeike I now comfortably say I'd go to like shit and I not even think about it in front of my mom and dad, but like shit in front of parents. Yeahit my pares. I' go to shit and I even think about it in front of mom and dad. That't like me is? Straight on bed. Tom. You to like a human being. I wouldn't go to fuck Yeah. I' never go to my parents Oh I have. What you know like You kind of you kind of you have cuto points and you start to scale like a bit like the BBC Yeah. there's a wershed, isn't there? Yeah I still would I still don't say shit in front of my parents I got in trouble with my mum recently. This feels very mild, right? Yeah. But my brother and my dad went on a trip up to the sort of Scottish Isles to just go puffin watching, right? O a loveovely little trip. What a fantastic trip And were you not invited? Well, they're both into birdwatch. They're both witches, you know, so cllock is not Dudy Wds watchatch Clark. Yeah you know what? they came back not a spec on them Unbelieve it. Can't believe it So so anyway, they sent some pictures from the ferry over there Yeah. and there was a picture of my dad looking for a pair of binoculars, right Okay. So straight away right straight away.. I am straight ono Insta collolleage and I'm putting it I'm Google searching Barbara Windsor and Carri on Cambidge And I'm doing a little split image of my dad because he was also going like had his lips kind of pured So so So I got the picture. It's a lovely bit of p. It's lovely bit bit. And I showed it to Charlie first Yeah, right? She's like fantastic. And it's Barbara Windsor. Barbara Windsor. Yeah, if I had gotten fucking two girls twoo girls, y. You know, kinds I lost Bc. Yeah than you than you lucky so we all remember it, thank you. But recent film Again I don't think there's any other recent reference. But anyway, yeah, so I wasn't getting, you know, Body Blue or something like that I was it was Barbara Windsor in her in her little strappy bra, you know you. No we would have had a word with you. If you' lovely five of them queueing to get in the puffin sanctuary. I thought, Oh well In'm gonna get involved with this. B of still bit now when it rings on ' it's not binoculars. It's a mask we'ally boc No, let's not go down that route to shop andy and the bo to work is the loock Oh I'm sure s is. Anyway,'s in the front of the queue. What number have you got? God anyyway. I'm pretty sure I'm up next. You're in the batbait But anyway, so I It's a lovely bit of business. a lovely bit of business. Since it's the family whatspp, there's there's there's a notable, you know, then you sudly haveouse risk. then suddenly like youre like Nobody's hal harring this. There's no noobody's h harring it. There's nothing at all. and then Mum is typing. Oh no. And then the next comment, which by the way, I've never been so scared and so like and howling with laughter at the same time. It was like pure panic. Yeah Are you real Oh wow. A you real Question mark, question mark, exclamation, exclamation A you real? And I said, I'm so sorry the this was really funny. Well I'm pleased you're amusing yourself. Then, then DM cal DM DM You can't be DM me saying it's good stuff. D'. DM's from the others like you. I'm calling out Luke Crosby. He's DMing me to say that was fantastic.. You've got to go public on that was fantastic. You've gotta go on mainustice for Crosby. Jice for Crosby. Come on, man. Get us in that group Yeah. abbsolutely firstirst thing you're doing, the beef flick of emoji. Setting your stool out, right?y. all friends here. Yeah, I couldn' but also are you real? And you real. now constantly like that's now in the house. if anyone does anything rude. Are you real My kids are very swearary. they love swearing.. They also because they've one of the first books they really got into and they still love is Joe Wilkinson's book. They love Joe Wilkson's book. becausecause it's a comic book but it's not a comic book. And there's a very funny chapter where he talks about his upbringing, how he wass raised by wolves and it's not for stray wolves, Wolf H to wanderers. So he's like raised by wolf H to Wanderers. And so they they will walk around the house singing, piss on the villa, we're going to piss on the villa And they love singing it. love that. I love it as well Sylvie Cleo. A you real? You're on your way to nursery and you're singing pissed on the villa I No, I love it. Are you real A you real Terrifying to together. J're still getting it's mad, isn't it? I still feel like Yeah. No, to be fair no, actually to be fair to the Duke, he then sent a gift of Kenneth Williams. So that Yeah Yeah That's that's all right. A Haha on the actual picture is what I really needed. need. a gift you know an early laughing emoji. An early laughing emoji. ye Tough stuff, man. Tough stuff Oh they couldn't handle it. Lovely. Yeah. A would your parents When'es last you got told off by your parents? I was trying to think I trying to think last time Tom got Dond. Um I Cheated at a competition to recite the colours of Joseph's out And you're bringing this inal now to the podcast Why you this is an opening this is an opening salver. If ever I heard one,. It was Yeah, it was last summer. And I thought it'd be very funny. I challenged, I called him about Dan had Gone see Joseph, and my nephew's big into it, and I was like, I called him and said, right To months time, Woolakam M and you will have a color off I know them all and I've never forgotten them. Yeah Of course. No one knows them all. I bet you, every production you go and see of Joseph has beeno rebook, they's going to a different one each time. Yeah Yeah, becauseuse you get into it, you get then red, yellow, green, brown, scarlet, black ach Asa that you got to get that and olive. Yeah and then you starts getting then you then you realize you' in o you' run out of state So I thought it'd be very fun and I picked it up all week like this competition And so rather than learnning that I kind of C be funny, I wrote Charles. So for a long sleeve jumper. And then when it got to like there was a big audience on the last night and I was like right right Stan let's go and Stan did it and aged it and then I got up and did it and then. just started ring by and performing like that. Oh that's a bit It was a lovely. It was a bit It was a bit And my mom did not enjoy it as a bit told me off cheating and should't that cheating and Jus shouldn't prosper and stuff So it was a bit of a telling off for what I thought was a lovely bit of business. Yeah, becausecause you're still letting him win. L no one's going, oh actually sorry, Stan. Tom did actually get all of them. Tom got all of them. Yeah, yes, he reading them but there's nothing in the rules. He' got to read off your arms So that that's clos I've come to like a proper tening off. recently. But then crucially I live away from home. Yeah. which are that are totally that The thing with my family and like my parents and me is that I'm the golden boy in it You are Yeahah. arere you real? The V fllicker Do they know about they know you're still flicking with these I've got a really good V off switch, you know, when you're around when you're around a lot of people. Um So are you you're the golden boy there? Yeah. How did that happen I don't know could just a bit nicer to it than the other kid. Well, you're always calling them up asking toorrow borrow money and stuff, are you? Constantly call, you' got it ' becausecause you wantan to do three Oh sorry, I' got gold the gold digging The gold diging charallgge.igg You got to do at least three phone calls to everyone you ask for money. So you're calling every day. Just a chat this one actually, just a chat and also the thing you forget about Ben's mom and Dad is that they absolutely love bird shit I love what you do your face. That's gorgeous That's gorgeous A The the thing is, right? when I asked people for wet wipes. Yeah, the reaction I got, I thought They werere going to find it fun Sounds like a shut my face. Both times I asked Did you say shit on my face, by the way? for other kids D J it. Pable her Absolute disgust. L like I'd chosen it to happen They look to me like, why have you done that? You dirty b them? You are a strange man in a park approaching a family with young kids Baby at a prown Yeah, that's worse I'm just a strange old man with a beard and shit on his face looking into a prem. What's wrong with that? Asking you to look at it. You had me a perirchet. Well, there we go. There we go. There we are. Here we are and there we go. If you enjoy what we do and you want to support your boys on their journey as they podcast to the grave, then get ont to patreon. com forward slash pappies fllatshare for just four pounds a month You get a bonus episode every week, you get these episodes early and ad free, you get discount to our live shows, but you get that warm feeling of supporting the Pppies boys doing what they would put on this earth to do. Cast. too the grave And of course, don't forget it's beond podcasting into the afterlife. And of course, if you want to come and see us live, then pappiescomedy. com forward slash liive for all the tickets and details and all the rest Yes, we're on socials. You know what to do? TikTok. TikTok,am. TikTok. it YouTube. D youar else say Youue? I don't know why they talk over me, it's weird. So it's A Pappy's Flatshare on TikTok and YouTube and it's at Pappy's comedy on Instagram. See you there. Today's episode was produced by Olivia Swash. Hello! Cheers everyone. Be