Pharmacy Storage Room and Vent Confessions

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Download your code at PeterExpress.com or redeem within the app. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with Finn . Can you say Rob Beckett? And can you say Josh Whitakim? There we go. That's very cute. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. Love the pod. Been listening since before we had kids. This is my little boy Finn, saying your name's age two point five, uh two and a half. He's now nearly three and has been joined by his not so little baby brother, Ted, in March this year, weighing Whoazers ten Ten pounds five ounces. That's a whopper, innit? That's a whopper. I'm originally from Cockermouth. Come on. Go on. But now live in Kendall. And we were at Rob's infamous Kendall gig. I feel harsh on the candle gig because I do snag it off a little bit, but we enjoyed it despite the knobhead heckler. Thanks, Hannah. Was there a knobhead heckler? I can't remember. So no. It was Sunday night in a leisure centre and then someone hav'ings a go. I that candle leisure centre is hilarious because you can see the basketball hoops while you're performing. Yeah, and like I just think when I'm performing, I see basketball hoops, I just don't know if I'm in the right place. I know. It's wild. It's wild. Rob. Yeah. We don't do enough correspondence. We always discuss this. Yeah. Oh also I'm wearing a France shirt 'cause I'm excited about the World Cup. Beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So are you going ? No. I'm working and it's Lou's birthday, so we're busy with that kind of stuff. But um no World Cup matches for me. But um I've got the sticker book. How are you gonna approach the World Cup as a dad? Yeah. Right? Because let's keep it on brand. So from what I'm aware, and I haven't looked into it deeply, correct me if I'm wrong, the kickoffs are from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m., something like that. Yeah, so it's a bit difficult because back in the day this would be perfect for me as a jobbing comedian because you basically finish work, I'd go on uh if I went touring. But nine PM is my bedtime now. Yeah, well ten o'clock's mine. So there's games on at like silly o'clock. That one's three AM and eight o'clock. So there's games late, but I think I'm gonna do it on a game by game basis because sure, you know, like Netherlands, Japan, 9 o'clock. I'm all over that, Josh. I don't know about you. I'm like bang up for that, but then certain games, and you know, you shouldn't have favourites, but I'll be honest with you, am I staying up till three AM to watch Canada play Qatar? No. If I wanted to watch that level of football, then I'd just go to goals in Elmer's End. Do you know what? I'd step to three M to watch uh Johnny Ma play guitar, but certainly not Canada play guitar, whether South Africa in Mexico at eight o'clock on Thursday, length of June. Count . And then after that, I think there's Korea Czech Republic at three AM. Count me out. Count me out, yeah. Eight o'clock next day, Canada, Bosnia, Herzegovina. I mean, why not? Let's not get bogged down by this and let's fuck in the playground. Okay, yeah. Let's shag on the monkey bars. Oh, let's do it in the big uh tractor tire. Yeah, let's suck in the swing. Let's hump on the hopscotch. Let's make out on the merry-go-round. Exactly. What the other ones? What's the one that goes at seesaw? Oh, so you're thinking of that kind of playground. Let's get your ass saw on the seesaw. Surely the playground is the the school playground, isn't it? Here we go. This is a playground shagger special. If you're new to this, it's basically um Then you've probably left. Just be honest. You're not still there. You're gone. It's been an awful opening. Yeah. Oh, talking about an awful opening. Yeah. Oh um Michael, I'm sure Michael have tied it up. Anyway, so this is basically stories from the school playgrounds where parents and teachers and stuff have uh got too close. Hey lads. I went to school slash college with a boy. Let's call him Dean. During high school his dad had an affair with Dean's mum's mum. Sorry, sorry, say that again. So sorry. It's always so difficult, this isn't it? You're shagging Rose's mum. Yeah, I know, but can we get on with the show? There we go. There we go. There you go. It's lovely stuff. There we go. So so the dad is shagging his mum. Yes, so Dean's nan became his stepmum . No way. At Parents Evening all three of them would turn up. Well they got together. Yeah. Oh no. Oh no. Not just I could pump and dump. This was a lay and stay. Oh my word. At Parents Evening , all three of them would turn up like the extremely dysfunctional family they were. Why does the mother-in-law need to come to that? The step-mum, and it this isn't to have a go at step-parents, but I think if you have got together with your daughter's partner Yeah. It's bare minimum polite to just let just not turn up a parent . Keep your nose out of the curriculum and shove it up your daughter's ex husband's asshole. Is that what you're saying? Not not in so many words . That's what you're saying. Josh, if that's what you're saying, that's what you're saying, yeah? If that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying. Mr. Saturday night, I can't do it. No, I've got to be the edge one one edgy . Yeah, the tabloids, you can quote me on that . Becky Tell you what, there's gonna be loads of crude retort stuff aren't there now that you're gonna Oh my word, Rob. We're gonna be misquoted every week of our lives forever. But do you know what? If it drives listeners, I don't care. If that converts into streams, fucking curching quite me as much as you fucking want. I'd sniff anyone's asshole for a few more dollars. I think if you have an affair with someone and then get together with them, yeah, you know what the heart wants, the heart wants, right? But I think you've got to go, okay, what's the least awkward way of approaching this? Do you know what I mean? I just think there's other women out there that aren't my mother in law. Yeah, exactly. That's what you say to that's what you've said to her every time. I say, Teresa, back off, babe. You're a wonderful woman, but I just don't shit where you fucking eat. Sleep and drink. Oh my word. Imagine this. This is hot off the press. Imagine this. Sounds like your new podcast. Welcome to Imagine This by Josh Whitaker. A badger, but it's human size and it's riding a bicycle. Imagine this . Thank you. That's the end of Imagine This for this week. See you next week. That's quite a good idea for a TikTok channel. Because in my head the badger's really hunched and got tiny little arms . But quite aerodynamic because he snouts like one of the helmets. So you could ask you, imagine this, and then four people discuss how they're imagining it. Yeah. Like I I And then you draw it. Yeah, that he's got a basket and he's kind of like a kind of Frenchman delivering bread. That's how I'm imagining it. No, my one's like proper, he's trying to go as fast as he can. He's doing the Tour de France. Yeah, yeah, he's really. And he's got a really tight green sh uh yellow sh jacket on. Yeah. How do you imagine it, Michael? For the record, Michael Michael, it's a it's a false it's a that a human sized badger riding a bicycle. Is that it? Josh? Yeah, I think there was there another detail. I can't remember. Mine had lycra like like racing lycra, but it had do you remember the massive tough top helmets that you got in the middle of school in early night they were like polystyrene you had a sort of disproportionately large one of those so he looked like toad from Mario . So we're all imagining in it, aren't we? So where we should hang on, c I don't wanna get bogged down by this, but I'm gonna. Mine's in the countryside, where's your fella? Yeah, mine's going past like a kind of village green. Mine didn't have a background but he was like I was imagining a sketch on paper. Send us in your imaginess . Send us in your imagin You know I could garage four court birthday card. That sort of type of like really bad sketch wishing you a happy birthday. Like a golfer kind of ticking uh teeing off. Like Yeah, th send in your more imagin this is and we'll imagine it for you. And we'll just quickly imagine 'em for you in the middle. But Michael, what happens when you talk for the video, by the way? Because I'd obviously have watched it back because I'm not fucking insane. It's just us, isn't it? Listening. I was actually gonna film a series of cutaways of me sat there but with like differing masks and helmets on. So you never get to see my face. But one time I've got a a Darth Punk helmet. Yeah another time it's a Darth Vader. Yeah yeah that's nice. But so at the moment is it just us talking and listening while you talk back? If it's in the studio then it's as wide shot so it looks less weird. And if it's like this, I'll cut between whoever looks less weird out of you two listening. So Josh. Yeah. I tell you what is a question. Imagine this. If we were pouring the money into the socials in a kind of we those pictures would have been drawn on the screen as we were saying them. Do you know what I mean? They'd be like coming up. Yeah. And we'd be like, Go onto our Spotify now because that that's coming up and I can see it now. And it'd be coming out of our mind in a um kind of thought bubble. But we're not doing that.. Right I Rob and Josh. Literally last night, my w imagine this. My wife and I witnessed two playground shaggers being exposed at a school quiz night. No. Oh my god. Also, this is signed anon. Let's be honest. That is good. Well, they're gonna know. They're gonna know. During the interval, one of the school mums on the table next to us went to the loo. Oh no. Her husband clearly thought she'd be gone for a few minutes and started texting one of the other mums who was also at the quiz . This feels needless from him. I guess the loos were all occupied or maybe she wanted to catch him out. No, that's not gonna surely it's occupied. As the wife came straight back , stood behind him and read the text messages over his shoulder. Oh my God. Jesus fucking Christ. So it feels like the wife is sort of aware that he may be messaging someone else, so came straight back to check. I think she's probably got a hunch and then she's come back. I think she's come back and she's seen an opportunity. I don't think she's thought I'll lure him in with the toilet chat and then catch him. If I wanted to read someone's text messages, I wouldn't creep up behind them. I think I presume I I know Rose's password. I could easily look at all of her text messages. Presumably you could do the same with Lou. Yeah, I can and I do. Exactly. Exactly. You got no nothing to worry about if you read them all. Sometimes we'll apply as a just helps get her admin down. Exactly. So you reply stuff like I think we should call this quits. It's been a lovely month together in the hotel rooms, but I think stuff like that. Yeah. Right. I guess the loser right. It absolutely kicked off. She snatched the phone out of his hand and went absolutely ballistic. Oh my god. She started screaming at him and at the other mum, who was on the other side of the room looking panic split. Yeah. She's on the other side of the room looking panic stricken. The husband tried to grab his phone back, needless. The phone's gone. The horse has bolted. You can't get the genie back in the bottle. Um but she wrestled it off him, ran up to the husband of the other woman and showed him the screen, yelling that they were having affair and that she'd suspected for ages. Oh, so the other husband's there as well. So it's not a single woman, she's married as well. Oh, it's disgusting, isn't it? The woman he'd been cheating with ran out of the room crying and the other mum chased her, followed by a load of her mum friends who were trying to calm her down. Do you know what's the best about these situations? If you're really close to it, it's obviously very sad and horrible because there's two people that you know that are having a terrible time. But if you're a few don't really know 'em that well, maybe your kids in a different year, you're sat there with a pint going, This is the best school quiz night I've ever been to. Of course. Raising money for the PTA and this level of drama is absolutely first class. Of course. I'll I'll chuck quick, they're crying. She's crying. Look, and the mates are chasing. Do you know what? I'll chuck another tenner in. The two husbands then started squaring up to each other. Oh. I think if once again, if you're the guy having the affair, I don't think you can square up to the other guy. You've got to go. No, my greatest fear is confronting someone that's fucking my wife and then them beating me up. Ha ha ha That's the that's the wor I think we might have spoken about this before, but that is That's the most emasculating day of your life. Yeah. Someone fucked your wife then fucked you up. Two of us were squared up to each other. So me and other dads had to step in and break them up. Eventually the cheaters and the cheaties all left the quiz and the c What do you think they did, Rob? What would you have done in this situation? If all the the four people involved they w they completely left. Yeah. I'd double I'd have a quick look at the sheet answer sheet. They they declared the quiz a write-off. Oh, I think that's unfair. I think the per I think the quizmaster agreed to do it and didn't really want to do it and saw a way out. Yeah . I mean, there's still other people doing the quiz. Most of us stayed on for a drink at the bar and gossip about what we'd all just witnessed. I've no idea how this is all gonna play out at the school gates, but I do worry about the children involved, doesn't sound it. Nah, you don't give a fuck. You just put that in there to look human. Well he's he's added, but I'm not gonna lie, it was brilliant. Yeah, perfect. Good. Good guy. As soon as we left, my wife and I turned to each other and said we've got to tell Rob and Josh about this. This episode is brought to you by Expedia and Visit Scotland. Some places you don't just visit, they shape the stories you carry long after you've left. Start your story in Scotland this spring and surround yourself with blooming scenery, fresh air. And farm animals making their grand debut. Josh, can I tell you something I love about Scotland? Please do. And it's gonna shock you. Go on. We know how beautiful it is. We know the people are great. Oh it's glorious. I'm into the food. Are you? Talk to me. You don't think of it straight away. But when I was in Glasgow and Edinburgh, yeah, they do all the Scottish stuff, obviously. However, they also do the curry. Like nowhere else I've been. I'd say it's the foodiest country in the UK. It's so good in Scotland. I I think about this a lot. I went to Loch Ness. How serene I felt on the edge of Loch Ness. I love the highlands, Rob. It's beautiful. It's beautiful, Rob. Pick a home base and explore from there. Deep dive into the local food scene, explore striking landscapes, and discover deep history around every corner. It's easy to get to, easy to navigate, and full of warm people who'll make you feel right at home. Start planning your own Scottish holiday today at expedia.co.uk slash visit scotland. Right now, the internet is coaching our kids, and some of the voices on there, they're angry. When boys hear that noise on repeat, it shapes how they see themselves. Together with EE, we need to make sure those voices don't win, to coach and guide them, on and off the pitch, making space for real conversations, building our boys up, every chance we get. Yes, boys. As proud partner of the national teams, EE has support and guidance to help build all our boys up. On and off the pitch. Search EE Yes Boys . There we go. Do you want to do the next one, Rob? Yeah, that was great. I love these. Thank you for sending them in. Hello. Please keep me anonymous. I grew up in the 70s slash eighties back when every estate had its own cast of characters. And as it turns out, the occasional scandal worthy of a soap opera. Ours involved the Avon lady and the football pools man. Well, that's taking me back. Did you have the football pools? We didn't have a guy coming round, no. We had a village lottery syndicate, but um we didn't sorry I didn't a twee ITV drama . The syndic ate . Where ordinary folk have an extraordinary day. Yeah and what shall we do with the millions after Well the pop plants could do the refresh couldn't they? Where friendship and community means more than money. ITV this summer. Yeah. And then one of them gets murdered. Yeah, for the money. Um yeah, we had my mum was an avon lady and then we had the Footwood Pauls man and there was a candy do you remember the Candice Man? Candyman? You said his name three times. No, was it the Candice magazine? You come round you the Candice Magazine. Am I making this up? I don't know. Michael, who used to come around your house and stuff here, the Paul's man, Avon Lady, the Candice Man. We had like what became Littlewoods, but it was the sort of catalogue guy that came around. Or we had the guy that would come around and collect the 50 P's from the gas and electricity meter in your house, the sort of wine dial-up meter. Yeah, I got well we had the Candice magazine, a magazine of Candice Club, published monthly, a membership focused on health and family living, food, gardening trouble. It's like a magazine subscription, but they'd come and deliver it to you and you'd pay for it. We had a geese that used to come round with a van full of videos with rent. Yeah, we we had a mobile library as well and we had um we had a Milkman. Did you have a Milkman? Yeah, Milkman. Um but Milkman , I don't even know if we have paper round. We didn't have a paper round. Anyway, sorry. Let me carry on. Um so anyway, so what this scandal involves the Avon lady and the football pools man. Respectable enough on the surface, she with her catalogues of perfumes and b ath sets, he with his weekly rounds collecting slips and hopeful pound notes. They were both married, both lived just a few doors apart, and both seemed to bump into each other rather more often than just coincidence. At the time , most people just raised an eyebrow and carried on. But behind the scenes the system was inventive. Yeah. They were used to envelopes for orders, money, scribble notes being passed back and forth. So they took advantage of it. Their own kids and a handful of other children from the estate became unwitting couriers ferry in sealed envelopes between the two as part of the usual comings and goings. No one thought much of it. It all looked perfectly ordinary. Obviously, this is seventies and eighties where there's no phone mobiles. Of course, of course, Rob. It's all a written message. It was all normal until one day it wasn't.. Right One curious child, nosy little prick, as they're known, expecting the usual, maybe a pound note, maybe an order for some bubble bath, decided to have a peek inside the envelope, marked from Paul's to A von. So why are the Pauls and Avon interacting? I think what is happening is they'd get the kids to go, oh, give that letter to number fifty-seven, that's their slip for their Paul's, or can you give that to this person? Cause that's the receipt or they've got so stuff was getting dropped off all the time and kids love a little job. So I can still that's what I'm I'm I'm imagining. Anyway, so one curious child had a peek inside an envelope marked From Paul's to Avon. So it's not nutty pics, is it? What they found instead was not Lacey underwear, not what anyone would call standard correspondence. It was a handwritten poem. Oh no. Enthusiastic , unfiltered, and very much not meant for young eyes. Oh no. Describing one of their recent rather less than subtle alfresco rendezvous. Oh my word. That child, understandably shocked and fascinated in equal measure, did what children do best, told everyone and showed them the secret didn't stand a chance. Within what felt like minutes, the whole estate knew. The accidental meetings, the suspicious timing of the envelopes, it all clicked into place. What had been quiet speculation had turned into full blown revelation. And the ending, almost as bold as the story itself, not long after the truth came out, both of them left their respective partners and set up home together. Of course. Scandalous, yes, but in its own strange way, oddly straightforward. The Avon lady and the pools man stopped pretending such a seventies, eighties story, isn't it? I love it. And the estate got a story it'll be telling for decades. Oh lovely. They were like little local legends to Paul's man on the Avon mate. Also so gender types. Paul's man, Avon lady, I'm not fucking about with perfumes. So what's Avon? Is that like perfumes and cosmetics? But in a magazine that you order. Right, okay, yeah. The M LM catalogue was a big deal when that used to get delivered to the house. We've got like a a neighborhood magazine. It's great. Oh, have you? Yeah. Saw it when I got home, yeah. Talking about the news. Local resident Josh Widdicum, new host of Strictly Come Dancing. Oh, I'll tell you what, there's like a quiz in it and stuff like why was this person? It was like there was one where it was white, lie, why was Nigel Mansell seen at this bus stop in the late nineties. Oh what in the area? So it was a quiz about the area. Yeah. And it was like, oh he was looking at one of the schools to see whether his daughter should go that. It was like incredible. How am I gonna know that? Brilliant. That's a good quiz though, if you want to be aware of the local area. Yeah. How are you finding life in Exeter? You've been there not that much, have you really recently? No, exactly. I know I am here now. This is it. I'm I love it. For a month. Um yeah, I've really, really love life at Exeter. It's going well. I'm I'm looking forward to um having the house finished . I bet you are. Because then once it's finished you can start doing it again. Exactly, we can move. We can move further, further away from London. When's it gonna be finished? Um midsummer I'd say. Hmm. Can I give a little prediction? House versus strictly, I suppose, is the big race. Yeah, what's gonna be done first? The first episode of Strickley or the How? I think Strickly wins that. Do you wanna bet on it? Yeah, I'll bet you. Um if your building work's not done, you've got to give me a shout-out in the first episode of Strickley. Okay, and if it is done, you've got to come and do the terms and conditions what I'm like. Feel sold to the man in the in the in the ballroom. In the ballroom. Do you want to do the next one? Do you mean to do it? I can do it. Please keep me anonymous, exclamation mark. I was the manager of a pub and made friends with some of the staff, similar to my age. One of my friends was a couple. He was the chef and she worked front of house. She was also my sister manager. Okay. I hope this isn't the guy saying that he's the shagger. By the way, we'll accept emails from the playground shaggers themselves. We've never had that. We'd love to hear it from the horse's mouth, the big hawley horse. Particularly if you feel like your story has been told unfairly, feel free to to give your side. And if you did do something mental, say you were Dean, you know, Dean and Dean's dad sh starts shagging Dean's Nan. us Let know why. How fit we talking. Exactly. Now this chef has a reputation for being a bit of a flirt, but since he met his girlfriend, he's calmed down and seemed happy. So this is the owner of the pub, yeah? Uh no, manager, manager of the pub. Manager, yeah. He didn't like working the early mornings, but had seemingly been swapping his shifts to do so, which was a bit peculiar. It was also noticed that my assistant manager had asked to swap her shifts too. Oh were they not a couple? No, I don't think they're a couple. I think they're just two staff members. One of my friends was a couple. He was the chef and she was the front of House. So they've both been swapping. Front of Hals. House . Heart's not point to go together, two and two together. I just said fine, yeah, fine. Win-win for me. Not getting up in the morning to open up. On one particular shift, the chef had gone to get dressed to go on his split shift, and one of my bar staff had gone up the stairs, and she found some love notes in his scrawny handwriting so he knew they were his, professing his love to someone and that he couldn't wait for them to be able to be out in the open. Thinking it was all a bit weird, the bar staff ran downstairs and showed us. Meanwhile, my assistant manager looking absolutely shell shocked and was trying to redirect the conversation. We put the note down on the side to go and show someone else, only to find when we came back it, had gone and nobody could find it. At this stage, if they're not in relationships, it's just two people getting off at work, isn't it? Exactly. Fast forward a week later, my friend who worked front of house, who was also the chef's girlfriend, no. So he's he's going out with a front of house person. Right. The assistant manager, sorry, isn't the front of house person. Right, so there's a front of house person's the chef's girlfriend. No, no. Right. He was a chef and she worked front of house. She was also my assistant manager. I feel like this has been written by some sort of fucking virgin that's never seen two people get off of each other at work. Am I wrong? Well, let's carry on. That's for the week later. My friend who I don't understand what's going on. Can you pick it out? My friend who worked front of the house, who was also the chef's girlfriend, approached me, saying she had a weird feeling that her boyfriend was out somewhere. He shouldn't have been, as he didn't appear home for a couple of hours. He just said he got caught in traffic. I quickly said, Don't be silly. You know if he had to pop into town, town could be hectic. Well two days passed and I had a phone call from my neighbour saying some weird cars had pulled up on my drive and had accessed my house and they wanted to What's going on? I don't understand what's going on. I don't know. At the the manager's house. Yeah. Thinking nothing of it, I turned up to my neighbours to check the CCTV to see my assistant manager's car parked out front as she was puppy sitting. Ah to zen then see the chef's car pull up at my house and waltz in there. They're alone for an hour and a half in my house. Right, okay. Once I got this footage I was livered. I rang his girlfriend and explained everything. Oh right. So he's got a girlfriend that doesn't work at the No, she works there. She works there as well. At the moment I feel like I'm trying to explain to my dad how chat GBT works. So chef is dating front of house woman, assistant manager, also works there. Assistant manager's puppy sitting. He's gone round there to have an affair with the assistant manager at the manager of the pub's house whilst his girlfriend works at the bar. Yeah. Once I got this footage, I was livid. I rang his girlfriend and explained everything. He denied anything ever happened and the couple are still together. Oh if only my dog could talk, as she's the only one who truly knows what happened. Great point. Please keep me anonymous. Keep up the great work. You've been my ride or die podcast since day one and my new mum and soon to be having another only eighteen months apart. Two under two. What have I done? From anon. There we go. Well, that makes sense. That's why she can't fucking put an email together. Her head's all over the place. Great email though. No, I think we got it in the end. Maybe it's just us not being a bit simple. Yeah. Here we go. Hi Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. Day one, listener, never miss an episode. Bullshit. But I take that back if it's true. I absolutely love knowing I'm not the only one who hasn't got a clue what he's doing and just wings it and hopes for the best. And somehow it always seems to work out all right in the end. Oh, is that what they've taken from this podcast? Yeah. That's exactly what they've taken from this podcast. Not that, you know, we play these sort of like compromise characters, but actually we're really sort of switched on intelligent and use this chaos as actually a market employer to push our own economic No, they've not taken that. No, no, fair enough. The jig continues . The greatest trick the devil ever played was at convincing the world he didn't exist, right? Exactly. The greatest shit the devil ever played was starting a podcast. Anyway, I've got a playground shagger story for you that still lives in my head rent-free. This goes back to when I was in year nine. Our maths block was one long corridor. And mid lesson we suddenly heard absolute chaos kicking off outside. Not your usual someone's being pushed into a locker type noise. This was proper commotion. Naturally, the less interested of the class immediately get up and leave, running outside to see what the commotion is. We step out onto the corridor and it's like the Colosseum. Kids everywhere, crowding round in a full circle, chanting f fightight, f,ight , like we're at a pay-per-view boxing event. You've got one lad commentating like it's match of the day, someone else shouting, smash his head in like she's in the UFC, and everyone's absolutely buzzing to see this exclusive event right in the corridor. Oh my word. And in the middle of all of it, one of our teachers, let's call her Miss Smith, she was actually a math teacher, but also helped out in PE, which in hindsight makes this whole thing even more fitting. She was already known for being a bit emotionally fragile. I mean, this woman cried in lessons. Not like end-of-term emotional speech crying, just like full-on Tuesday afternoon breakdowns. Anyway, she absolutely lost it. She's got the new PE teacher, Mr. Mallard, backed into a corner outside the canteen and she's absolutely battering him with a blue plastic cricket bat. So Mr Mallard's getting smashed by Mrs Smith. Full on whackin' him like a gangster who's owed money. Teachers eventually pil ing to break it up. Miss Smith is in absolute hysterics, sobbing screaming the works. Mr Mallard looks completely shell shocked, like he'd just come out of the trenches, then both of them disappear. A couple of days go by, no sign of either, rumours start flying. Obviously, when Mr Mallard comes back, it turns out Miss Smith had been having an affair with him. Not only that, she left her husband thinking they were gonna ride off in the sunset together. Romance, passion, a shared love of sports halls. Oh no, oh no. Except Mr. Mallard had other ideas. Oh, Mr. Mallard. Fucking duck-faced prick. He basically told her, yeah, this isn't gonna work and broke things off. To be fair, he was in his twenties, she was in her early 30s, married, and things had clearly escalated way beyond a casual fling. After blowing up her entire life for this bloke, she understandably, but also wildly snapped and went full gladiator with a plastic cricket bat in the middle of school. Oh God. We never saw Miss Smith again. Oh no.. Mr Mallard carried on teaching PE like nothing had happened. The cheek of Mr. Mallard. The cheek of it. Matt, he couldn't do cricket. He'd go, look, I'm gonna have to tap out of cricket just from PTSD. I can't hold that blue bat. Pretty much every lad in our PE class used to give him banch about Miss Smith every lesson and all he'd do was smirk and laugh. Not say a word. Everyone I ever told this story to that wasn't there doesn't believe me, but the school we went to had so many stories like this, it actually got knocked down twelve months later and when we left it reopened under a completely new name to try and shape the reputation. I still managed to get an education. What was it that Mr. Malard had I think the school was a yeah, yeah. Yeah in a bad way . And they basically knocked it down and started again. I think at my school you'd have got into trouble for taking the piss out of a PE teacher about the fact he'd had an affair. I think it's the way you're doing it. I don't think my PE teacher would have just laughed it off. But look - so you're you're Mr. Mallard, okay? Yeah. Okay. You're teaching cricket. Tell me how to hold the bat. Okay, so you left or right handed? Right handed, sir. Right handed. So put your left hand at the top of the uh the bit at the top and then your right hand at the bottom. Keep them closer together than you might naturally think. Cool. Uh Mr. Mallard, uh, when I when I saw Miss Smith using it, she sort of was hitting it over onto you as opposed to under. Is that how you hit a cricket bag? Mr Mallard Mr. Mallard. Where's Miss Smith, Mr. Mallard? Quack quack. Quack quack. Poor Miss Smith. Poor Miss Smith. Right, hi both. I've been listening to you since I found out I was pregnant with my first um who is now eighteen months old. Please keep me anonymous as this is about me. Yeah. Too right. When I was around the age of twenty one, I worked in a pharmacy in a supermarket chain in a small university town outside Liverpool. Okay. Let's guess where that isn't. What is a small university town outside Liverpool? I don't know what really what that means. So I s hrust at Google, small university town outside Liverpool. Yeah. With supermarket that's got a chemist in it. Okay, it's quite a lot to type in. This was twenty nineteen when COVID was all the ra ge. So we hired a delivery driver. Cause she's so young then, really. Yeah. The most prominent small university town just outside of Liverpool was Ormskirk. Right, okay. Ormskirk. Sounds like something sex isn't it? Do you think? I got Orms Kirk last night. I don't know if it does, Rob. I don't know what you and Lou are up to, but I've I don't think I've ever been Orms Kirk. If it's a finger up the bum and a slap round the cheeks. Yeah, I've never been Ormskirked. I got Orms Kirk last night. Do you want to be Orms Kirked? I'd hate to be Orms Kirk. No, I'd I'd hate to be Orms Kirked. It'd be awful. Not both at the same time. I'd rather be Orms, little break than Kirk. Which bit's Orms and which bit's Kirk? Fingers Orms, Kirk to Slap. So you'd prefer to be Orms? No, I'd prefer to be kirked, but if I had to do both, I'd probably do orms first, then followed by kirked. Is it with the same hand though? Because if in which case I might be kirked before I got orms. No, no, I'd have to I'd have to request separate hands because the slap will be too near the nose. And as much as I clean it down there, within minutes it goes back to the stench. You cannot keep an asshole clean for longer than the thirty seconds of air drying it out of the shower and then your body's straight back out producing stench. And that's someone's ass. That's not just me. That's not I'm not gonna go at you if you've got smelly ass. That's just, you know, flesh on flesh without much hair. That's just science. So you can change your pants after as many gigs as you want, but you're fighting and losing that. You could have sunspells, underarmour, or tomfalls. Your assholes gonna stink and we're all just hiding it. This was 2019 when COVID was all the rage, so we hired a delivery driver to get prescriptions out to patients. Oh yeah you couldn't uh you can't alms Kirk with social distancing. So let's rule that out. I was very single at this point. I was told by the hiring manager that they're going to hire a delivery driver for me in the hopes that I wouldn't be very single anymore. What? So they they were trying to find a delivery driver that she'd like, okay. Flash forward a few weeks and they had hired a new delivery driver and the manager had me teach him the ropes. I will admit that we hit it off like a house on fire, exchange numbers ready for when he would start delivering. Oh my word. The exchange of numbers led to a lot of late night texts and flirting when back in work. Flash forward a few weeks, next door to the pharmacy was our storage room. Yes. And I had to tidy in there to be able to get stock to bring into the pharmacy. The lad had been sent into the room to help me move things around. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex there in the middle of the work day. The door was locked, no one could come in, and there were no cameras. Bear in mind. Three paragraphs ago she was talking about the spread of COVID. Um she just like jizz on all everyone's fucking cough medicine getting dished on their masks . They were getting thrushed off their fucking PPU. A thefter deed was done, I made myself look more presentable and took some things back into the pharmacy, and all eyes were on me. I was wondering why everyone was looking at me until a few minutes later I heard what I could describe as a noise that made my stomach drop. The delivery driver had put his music on low in the room next door whilst he was working. What I didn't realize that there was a vent in the roof of the storage room that led to the vent in the pharmacy. Oh, so they heard it. The noise travelled very well through, and the wall that we had just had sex on was paper thin. This meant that every single person that was standing in this dispensary, the pharmacy, had just heard me and the delivery driver Oh my god having sex the last fifteen minutes, fair play . Fifteen minutes. And this was why they were looking at me like I had three heads. When I realised this, I ran out of the pharmacy and back next door to our delivery driver for a second helping. No nofication . Next door to our delivery driver to tell him what everyone just heard and that I needed some mold support in the pharmacy. He laughed at me and went back to work. We kept doing the deed the entire time he worked at the pharmacy and a year or so well in the thing. Oh no, they must be d not doing it in the cupboard, yeah. But they've just been getting it. And a year or so later after he left. We st we're still friends to this day and we laugh about what everyone must have heard through the vent that day, anonymous. Love it. So storage shaggers. Storage shaggers. Good honour. But if anyone is in Ormskirk and they know a supermarket with a pharmacy. Just have a little look for some vents . Uh do you want another one? I'll do it I'll give you another one. That was actually from the Shagger's mouth. Uh Hello sexy relatable trio. Please keep me anonymous. My mum is on I mean the the relatable things really for Michael's having to really carry the relatable stuff where you you're the host of Stripley and I've just done traitors. Yeah. It's not your normal dads at the school gates at the moment. But you know, our careers will sort of fizzle out at some point. It's just everything's momentary, innit? Please keep me anonymous. My mum is on the senior leadership team at an inner city secondary school, meaning some of the stories she tells are absolute caukas. However, one particular story she rang and told me the other day had me thinking of this pod immediately and I had to share. Here we go. One day a supply teacher covered a year eight science lesson and one of the girls left sobbing at the beginning of the class, stating she refused to go back in. Thinking it was peer related or something had happened in a previous lesson, the girl was referred to her head of year, who was the one who ended up feeding it back to my mum. Turns out this girl knew this supplier teacher. This is year eight, by the way. This is Warriant. Uh she knew this supplier teacher. Now this supplier teacher mostly did work as a private tutor and had previously tutored this particular girl and her brother at their ho use, which the school was fully aware of, as anyone who works in a school has to disclose if they have any prior or existing relationships with any of the children. However, what had failed to be disclosed was this tutor had been doing a bit more things Oh no. Please don't be a pedo. I can't that doesn't count as playground shaggers, by the way. Don't we don't want those. Yeah, yeah. We're not looking for that kind of story. No. He had had an affair with the mum of this girl. Thank God. Yeah, good on him. Yeah, good man. Good lad. Good normal bloke. Anyway, which resulted in the splitting of her parents or actually sorry about that. We w we went early on that actually. Sorry. Sorry all. Sorry, everyone. Um this part had obviously not been told to the school, as flash forward to the present day. They now had an inconsolable girl and a very angry dad to deal with. Oh no. Who's rightfully fuming his daughter to be put in a classroom with a man that broke up their family. Oh my god. Yeah. And it will not come to s to be a surprise that the man is no longer one of the supply teachers at the school and many apologies were made. That is yeah, I think we trivialise that a little bit too much. It's quite a terrific story on paper, but positive, no pedo. No pedo is always positive. And another broken h ome. Exactly. Thanks. Another broken home. Tell you what, Anon should be on a revenue split for this show. The amount the amount Anon sends it. Yeah, Anon. What a great guy Anon. Anon is fucking loose-lipped, Anon. Yeah. What a life he's lived. Lose Anon. Do you know what I love to go tonight on with Anon? The stories Anon's got. The stories. Great guy. Lou slipped bitch. Here we go. Around 15 years ago, at the start of September, a day before I started year eleven, my dad came home early from work. He was a teacher at a high school I attended. He came back early from the teacher training day to talk to me. He sat me down, told me that he and my mum were getting divorced That's all fine. That's all normal. Fast forward to the springtime. The following year, and one afternoon before leaving school, one of the other teachers, Miss Smith, not her real name, not her again. Oh, it's not Miss Smith again, poor old cat. Fucking hell. Cricket batten and smith. She was walking back to the staff room with a big bunch of roses. She doesn't learn. She does not learn. Oh, that poor woman. She was trying to get that duck tattoo, re retouched up and covered up Mr. Mallard for life. She was a teacher that had the reputation of being quite mean and not many people liked her, so everyone was very shocked, including myself. When school had finished that day, while in the car on the way home, I said to my dad, Did you see the roses Miss Smith had today? I wonder who sent them. We're shocked someone likes her enough to send them roses. My dad, not being the romantic type at all, said he hadn't seen them, and that was the end of that . Nothing out of the ordinary there. He was a very laid back man, and he probably genuinely couldn't given a shit. Or so I thought. A few months went by and nothing else of note had happened at school when my dad ended up moving out. After he moved out a few weeks later, he admitted that those roses were in fact from him to Miss Smith and they were now together. Not Miss Smith. Not Miss Smith. My dad was now dating my geography teacher. Oh that's the worst, isn't it? Art or drama you take, but fucking geography. It's bad enough going to the school your parents work at, let alone them being with another teacherer and that teach being a teacher nobody likes. The gossip went round and eventually everyone got over it and moved on. The following year in sick form I took geography as an A level subject. Oh no. And who should the teacher be? Of course, my n my new stepmum. I I think in a school Yeah, you should not teach your the new stepchildren. I don't think that's a total surprise. Because how many geography teachers are in a school? Three or four. Do you know what I mean? It's not like Yeah, th they're they're dying off. Who wants to be a geography teacher? Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Least sexy of all the subjects? Least sexy of all the subjects. Geography's up there, isn't it? Biology. Sexy. I think R E because there's something quite kind of Tweet about that. Otherworld no, but like there's a s there's a s spark, isn't there? Like an old testament like when it comes to religion, they don't mind shagging, do they? Exactly. There's a there's a sex to RE, I think. Yeah. Um P.E. they're normally sexy, they're not they're they're sex people. They're sex people. Um Geography's down the bottom. Music, they're pretty cool. Art, drama, they're a bit like they're a bit funky. Music, art, art they could just, you know. Yeah, they'd probably have a spliff and wank someone off, wouldn't they? French. Oh my word. Oh yeah. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Oh my word. Je t'aime. German teacher, maybe not. Maybe not. And then you get into your geography, your maths, your dusties . Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, the but yeah, but maths. Yeah, maybe maths, but then it's sort of at least you get yeah, photography, I don't know. All the technology's quite unsexy, I'd say. Yeah, yeah, IT support yeah I don't even know what they do these days. Do they do like woodwork and stuff? My daughter's never said she's doing woodwork. I don't know. Woodworkwork. Got wood. Got woodwork today. We had woodwork. Maybe secondary school they did woodwork. Yeah, yeah, we had it in secondary school. Not primary. Or setting my exam, there was, much to my delight, a fire alarm. The exam wasn't going well, but this gave me an opportunity to escape. When returning back to the hall, and they said we have an extra half an hour added on, I decided I was going to make a break and leave. Upon leaving, I was greeted by Miss Smith shouting and me to get back in the room . I refused and swiftly made my way to my dad's classroom. He called me later that evening to tell me Miss Smith had called him and broken up with him because she said he'd taken my side and couldn't be with him because of this incident. Ah, Miss Smith can piss off. My dad sounded very laid back about the situation, even found it quite funny and said something along the lines of she won't mean it. Safe to say his instincts were right, and fifteen years on, they're still together, and we do get them very well. Oh, okay. Well, not fuck me, Smith. Uh thank you for keeping me saying, Well, looking after a four-year-old and a feral, one-year-old, anon. There you go, you're all fellow-an-on. If you want to use Miss Smith for all of your anonymous teeth female teachers, I wouldn't uh I wouldn't regret it. I feel sorry for Miss Smith. Um please send more in playground show because we love 'em. And also imagine this. Imagine this. Imagine this! Send in your imagination this. And we want your food confessions we mentioned before. Okay. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. After a tough start to twenty twenty six with us sadly experiencing a miscarriage and both needing some time away from work to process it. Cool, that was a gear shift I wasn't expecting to do. Yes, that is a gear shift. That was quite the one show there, but I I haven't pre-read the script or I've just gone straight in. Sorry if I started that too jolly. Um now, Shannon has shown incredible strength through this miscarriage. She's used this time to focus her energy on something positive as and has launched a new business venture, Shannon's Home Cleaning Services. If you are based in the Greater Manchester area and are looking for a reliable high quality cleaner.' Sdhe love to hear from you. You can find her on Instagram at Shannon's HomeCleaning, where you also see the attached price list. Thanks very much for taking the time to read this. Best regards, Luke. There you go. You're a good man, Luke, and Shannon. Good luck with your new venture if you're in the greater Manchester area. I mean if you want to spread out to the greater Liverpool area, there are some stock rooms near Ormskirk that need a good fucking scrub. So maybe you could clear that up as well, Shannon. Good luck with a new venture. Good luck with a new venture, Shannon. Hello, you sex and relatable trio. I'm an OG listener of the podcast, and I am now a huge fan of Lou. Already well into her audiobook, loving it, and though I have a husband like Rob who is completely involved and gets it, I feel validated. Thank you, Lou. Well done, Lou. I would like to shout out my primary age tutoring business. So many children are now struggling with mainstream setting, whether through an SEND diagnosis or becoming overwhelmed in the classroom. I have 17 years of experience working with children, all sorts of background, with a broad range of needs. I'm Sheffield based and offer children and family support academically or work on social and life skills tailoring sessions to individual needs available on Monday and Tuesday day time and evenings through the week. Email me at Wonder YearsTutoring WonderYeestutoring at gmail dot com as I am sure I can help your child. Brilliant work, Alice, thank you guys. I just put some socks on and I've I forget we filmed this. Is that normal? No, I like it. I like it. Just put my socks back on because I was got a cold. Thanks for listening, guys. I enjoyed that. Thank you. Bye.