Traffic Report and Furniture Design

You're listening to Corpline here on QWRPFM. Corpline this week is brought to you by Freddy the Yeti Neti Confetti. New from Huffer Pharma Chemicals, it's a fun, festive way to empty your sinuses. Freddy the Yeti Neti nettie confetti. You'll break like a levy . Good morning 's burg, welcome to Quarp Line. Big G Money here with A Train, how's it going Alex? Titaned, lubed and good to go. We just started. Where are you going? Well after work, I'm gonna go do some donuts in Lesser Miami to test out my new suspension. Ooh, could you bring me a Heathston Pine crawler? Why? I don't know, I just like the terpenes. I too enjoy the fine piny notes of Heathston's pastry namesake. Did I just put myself on the hook to get a baker's dozen for the office? Yes, please, I'd like one. Gus, you're off carbs. Oh, I see Joan's lights come on, so it's time to move on to no oh no, she she also wants a donut . I will take that out of petty cash. Sounds like a plan. Have fun on your eventual trip away from Sin ikensburg, the town that banned production of Heathston Pine Crawlers. Is that one of the official slogans? No, but it should be. And now the news . The Innsberg Nudist Apiary Club is holding their semi-annual honey sale. In addition to the honey, they'll be demoing hive construction, haplodiploid husbandry, or as they're calling it, busbandry, princess raising, queen cleaning, drone strikes, swarming for fashion, sculpting the perfect bee beard and or murkin, and a quick how-to session on making your own epipen. They'll also be serving samples of the Indonesian dish Bot uk Tawan, which while high in fat, is an excellent source of all the water soluble B vitamins and a lot of bees. Oh good, it's it's just larva. Uh yep. Bee larvae. Did you eat? Yes, sir. What a relief. Truly. And speaking of fun workshops, the Tinsburg Glass Blowing Society is inviting everyone to come down for a new seminar series they're calling Glass to Mouth. Surely they see that problem. I don't think they do. The copy is full of stuff like this. Come on down and get glazed. Get a free shirt that says blow me. Pucker up and huff this rod. The picture is just a glass massage wand. Uh no no, they say it's a bong. Huh. Oh wait. No, it's both. Gross. If you can't make it to the seminar, you're invited to participate in the post-session after glow while they shut the furnaces down. That's some A plus copywriting, I'll tell you what. Oh, Jones Lights come back on. Alex, add another donut to the Oh no, that's the okay, sorry. Uh we we now go to an interview with Copper T Junction, the second Brazier of the Innsberg Secret Pipesman here with us in the studio. To accommodate his request for anonymity, he has been provided with a QWRP paper b ag . It's a pleasure to be here today representing my fraternity, the secret pipesman chapter of Unsberg. So do we have to keep calling you Copper T Junction? And are you called that because you're a pi pesman or just really into 80s hip-hop? Oh I couldn't be called fresh at this point why it's been at least sixteen years since I took the first junction. Cool, but that's not your given name, is it? Yes, it was given to me by the secret pipesman in my first initiation. The first junction, don't you know? So do you always use secret names? Oh no, the names aren't secret. I just told you mine. They're always like this. But why? Also, I was at your open house last week. You guys have eight foot windows that face the street. That's why we have guards at the windows whose sacred duty is only to make sure that people don't peek in and read our name tags. Of course they have no idea what the names actually mean, given their immense, immense historical significance to the society and our traditions and all that sort of thing. It's it's it's all very steeped in a a very deep fraternal bond between the members of the Briggsman and it's not something an outsider would understand quite easily. It's uh just very very difficult to do. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm s I I'm sorry to interrupt Mr. T Junction or Mr. Copper T Junction. I'm not entirely sure where the honorific goes. Um I'm just being told that we have a caller and I didn't know it was that kind of interview , but go ahead, you're live on QWRP. Why do we do this? Hi Graham. Hi Alex. Oh thank God it's Derek. And so it has come to this. Derek is the least weird thing to come through the phone. Oh, it's nice to hear from you too, Alex. Um, I don't know if you guys are live or not, but can you just reconfirm that I'm doing this phone interview today in front of the Pipesman Cafeteria? Why would we not be live right now? Derek, what numbers are Mickey Mouse's hands pointing at right now? Alex, you know they tore down the Mickey Mouse clock at the cafeteria for copyright infringement. And because Mickey was nude, and not in a tasteful way like Donald. On your wrist, Derek. Well the big hands point Oh you're live. Hi gentle listeners, it's me, summer intern Derek. I'm calling in to complain because I was supposed to meet a pipesman here outside the cafeteria so we could do an interview today. But he hasn't shared Derek, he's here with uh this was a studio interview. But I never come in and do studio interviews. No, no, he's in the studio with us. Well why are you stealing my interview? This has happened multiple tim es and I'm gonna file a complaint with Joan. Okay, I'm just gonna wait for the light to there it is. Derek, congratulations the floor is yours. Please take it away with your interview with Copper T Junction second Brazier of the Tensburg Secret Pipesman. Thank you. Hi Officer Steve. Derek, I have a paper bag on. My identity is concealed. Well I can't tell that on the radio. It's a theater of the mind. Just tell us why you're here . Well, clearly this won't be necessary for the remainder of this interview. Oh hey, look, Alex, look, look who it is. Officer Steve, the pipesmen have received new funding from the town of Innsberg, and you've just completed a new project. Please tell us about it. Well, that's correct, Derek. You see, we have a new courier service in town because well, as you know, ordinarily it takes about two to three days to get anything across this town because no one knows what the traffic is. And according to the pamphlet I found on your website, it's a new innovation, the likes of which we've never seen before. Absolutely. We've rustled around inside of Mother Nature's petticoats and managed to pick out something absolutely phenomenal. We've harnessed the power of the vacuum. Why? Lots of things suck where they are. Derek, you don't gotta say it. Yes, things suck where they are, which is why we've decided to put the entire city in motion, at least the portions of the city that are no larger than three inches in diameter. We've created a series of pneumatic tubes to transport messages and various sundries from anywhere in the city to anywhere else. That's amazing, Officer Steve. Are they invisible tubes like the internet? Oh my boy, if they were invisible, how would you find one to place a message in? I mean normally I just pull out my phone, but does that mean that there's actual tubes just sticking out of the ground like flying all over the place here in Innsberg? Because I haven't seen a single one. We've been building our series of pneumatic tubes in a network of tunnels underneath the city. Turns out there's easy access to just about every home in this particular borough. You've discussed this with Miss Branmore, right? Why, absolutely. She was our first inst allation. Copper Steve, I am confused, and therefore begins the series of hard hitting questions. Question the first. How did you build this series of tubes without permits in the first place? We've gotten in at the town hall. It uh really greases the rails if you uh know what I'm saying. So wait, the tubes run on rails? That's not the right hard hitting question, Derek. Are we the only ones who caught the glaring corruption at the town hall? Well it's not corruption if it's approved by the mayor. And anyway, the endpoint and entry point receptacles have been installed in all the finer homes of Innsburg. Wait, there's one of these in my house already? Cool. Where can I find it? Well, young boy and gentle listener at home, if you uh find the point in your house that's farthest from sea level, you can find the ingress and egress port. For some of you this may mean checking several crannies or depending on where you're from, nooks. I'm sorry, Officer Steve, are you saying that you have surprise installed pneumatic tubes in everyone's home? And most of the family owned businesses. Okay, I understand Dick trying to ram his stupid railway through, but what's this vacuum network for? Have you ever tried to send a raccoon egg through the mail? You can't trust those clowns to get it there I beg your pardon? Guys, you're hijacking my interview again. I'm supposed to be asking those questions. Yes, you are. The secret pipesman just wanted to give something back to the community and explain why everyone's going to see a rather large increase on the property taxes this year. Would you like a demo? Well, I don't have any more heart-eating questions, but I do have these three Sheffield Cream Donuts! Wait, you've installed one of these tubes at the radio station? You did not ask us permission. More importantly, you didn't ask Joan, who uh w w wants wants them donuts, I guess. I don't think that's why your lights on. It's hard to interpret sometimes. I should teach her Morse code. It's all part of being a good Burk Scout. Anyway, cream in the hole. Wait, where's our end? Everyone look around for a three-inch tube. Huh, it must be my lucky day. Compliment There you see. Delivered safe and unmolested. The algorithm works. Well there you have it, gentle listeners. Just like Michael O'Leary, you too can get free donuts out of the pneumatic Well, um goodbye, Derek, and Goodbye, Officer Steve. I'll see myself out. You're not gonna see anything with that bag over your head. I must protect the secret entities of my brethren from the prying eyes of your untiled waiting area. Why? It's only ever Monty Cohn out there, and he's just waiting for one of the vending machines to pay out. Anyway, bye . And speaking of long bets, we go now to traffic with Richter Hammock Slam up in the QWRP TrafficWopter. How's it going up there, Richter? Well, about thirty minutes ago, things started to get really slow, Graham. Wh whereabouts? Like in what part of town? Just about everywhere at this point, but maybe my digestive tract. I think it might have been something I ate, but I can't be sure. Ah God, you know, Alex, for like a moment, for like a moment there, I thought. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, what's going on, Richter? Well, there could have been many vec tors to this problem, Graham, most of which I'm astoundingly able to visualize if not properly vocalize. But I will try. Let's talk about X squared equaling yz to the third! And maybe let's do a lambda function. I don't know. By the way, whose birthday was it today? Who needs drugs when you have the traffic report. I don't think it was anyone's birthday, Rector. Well that explains why there were so many brownies left over before I went up in the air this morning. Hey, what time is it? I've got so many clocks up here and they're all arguing. This one's stuck at 1168 for the past five minutes since I leveled off, which means I'm getting mad over time. I'm just getting mad. Are you getting hungry? I'm getting hungry. I'm gonna order like a dozen donuts! Can we interest you in a heast and pine? No, thank you. I do not like the terpenes! I bet you don't. Oh man! So how am I going to get the donuts when they arrive? I could pick it up with the helicopter, but then I wouldn't be here when the donuts arrive I figured it out I can leave the copper here where it is go down pick up the donuts, enjoyed those sweet, sweet holes under the sublime swish of the rotor was h . And then I might need a hand getting back up, though, as I become keenly aware of my own and I may need a few minutes to confirm that the number of digits I'm seeing is indeed the correct amount . Fascinating! It's me! Back to you! I uh thank thank you, uh Rich ter. Um so I guess we Alex, why are you stabbing yourself with a pencil? Just checking on something important. Okay. We should call the National Guard? Yes. Wait, the Girl Scouts are closer and they have AA capability, right? They do. Gus, can you get Julesburg Airport on the phone? Uh and our insurance agent. But not necessarily in that order. Cool , I hope that means yes. So while we attempt to extract Richter from himself, it's the arts with Edith Slump. Hello, Edith. Hello, Graham. Hello, Alex. As you can see, I'm absolutely delighted to be here. We have famed Swedish furniture designer Scoot Yaks un here in the studio. That's great, Ed ith. You love those little discs, you know, the tiny pointy legs, right? Why yes, Alex, I am a passionate collector of mid-century modern furniture. Thank you for noticing. Now Scoot, please tell us about your latest complex My name is in fact Scott Jackson. Oh my gosh, my apologies. It is confusing, I admit, a little bit about me. I was originally born in Flynn Flon, Manitoba. But my parents moved to Malmo when I was three, which is where I discovered that Midcent ury mod ern furniture. No, fly fishing . Edith Better. Most fans of midcentury modern design would know you as the creator of the infamous Hubil th chair, made with flowing organic curves and five tapered pedestal legs. Yeah, and I made this collapsible so I could always bring it to the riverbank. Multipurpose design, very practical. Of course, local listeners might know that Scoot was of course the designer of the skrat wardrobe that I think half of us had at our college dorms cause they were on sale at Yiska all the time. I designed it to drain my waders. Okay, I can work with this. So Scott, most of us know the papa pa as a unique and attractive toilet with a mesmerizing flush, but please tell us what fish thing it's supposed to be about. Certainly I patterned it after how a largemouth bass strikes my pauper lures . The boil is natural and intense. And so am I. So please tell the QWRP listeners about your latest piece, Doug. It's a playful credenza with unnecessary levels of delightful nail free joiner y, which to be honest makes it very challenging to assemble from flat pack. Ah yes, Doug, I named it after my father, who is also playful yet very challenging. Dang, that's a mood. Scott I have to be honest , I had no idea you were so into fish. Well, that's the whole reason I'm here in Innsberg to fish the famous Shawnee River. Don't you mean infamous? Oh my gosh, what an incredible coincidence. I also love fishing. Edith, I thought you hated the outdoors. You won't step outside without a two daiquiri minimum. I'll have you know dacquer ies make excellent bug repellent, Alex. Besides, Scott and I have things in common aside from our mutual and passionate love of fishing, which you know about and have always known about. We also both love alcohol. We actually met at the town hall over a few drinks and really good Yeah, that is when I agreed to do the interview. Why are you so excited to fish this river? I'm glad you asked. It's actually fascinating. The fish you extract in the Shaughnessy River do not need to be sent to a taxidermist. They're already pumped so full of preservatives. All you need is a plank of finished oak and a Robertson screwdriver. Why specifically a Robertson screwdriver? The Canadians were very forward thinking in their design of wood fasteners. I believe it is a part of their heritage. How fascinating. Why don't you tell me more as we enjoy a supper of fresh fish caught on the banks of the beautiful romantic Shawnee River? Oh, you shouldn't eat anything that comes out of this river, it's full of gallium. When you flick a fly the liquid metal sparkles in the sunlight. Have you considered fishing in either of Innsberg's attractive lakes and ash? Oh, my guidebook only mentioned the one, but if you wish to join me I have a second pair of waders. Oh Scott with me as your guide you will experience all of Innsberg's wettest pleasures. I'll have to drain some more waders. Edith, can I get you a drink? You seem a little thirsty to be on the radio. Why hasn't Joan hit the light yet? She came downstairs, kicked me out of my house, and said she was taking a three donut break. How did she do that without us seeing her? She moves through shadows, Graham. That's why she's always on the other side of that light. Great. Well, when we come back, the annual Cornu Coppola Film Festival is kicking off this year with a screening of the Maze Runner series. Shouldn't they show the Godfather? No, it's traditionally a festival of corny movies, so they gotta fit the theme. Oh, so like Children of the Corn, Field of Dreams. Yeah, but they're really running low on material. For example, Thursday night will be a screening of nineteen forty three's The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp. Oh, that explains why they're also running a documentary of Nikita Khrushchev. His corn experiment was at most a minor part of him running the union. Yeah, and it looks like they're even running some adult fair. Uh so look forward to the after midnight showing of Country Girls Make Do Seven. Ha. Gross. And come on down to Roast Steakhouse, where piping hot cuts of prime triple A beef come served with the most savage insults the servers can sling. Try the New York Rip, a 12-ounce pepper crust topped with Manhattan style chides. Chides, huh? Not chives? No, they're they're really into their shtick. Uh kids eat free if they don't cry. Roast steakhouse wear your basic ass is the main course. I missed the light. Stick around, more Qirpline after this. You're listening to Quipline here on QWRPFM! Thanks again to our sponsor, Freddy the Eddy Neti Confetti, from Hoffer Pharmachemicals, it's a fun festive way to empty your sinuses! Freddy the Yeti neti confetti, like stuffing your nose with a bouncing Betty .