Derek Visits the Macro Golf Course

You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Quirpline this week is brought to you by Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle. Give your idle art a kick in the pants from across the room with Bruto Poodle's revolutionary 10-foot-long wob bly pencil! Brutal poodle doodle noodle for when your sketches are too dull. Good morning Insberg, welcome to Corp Line. Big G Money here with A-Train. How is it going, Alex? Engage. Enemy. BMP. 500. Uh Alex, can you take the VR rig off? Oh sorry, I was miles away. I thought you were only five hundred away. No no no meters, not yards. Oh. What front are you on? Don't we have work to do? Oh right, the news Dragon's Landing would like to remind everyone that Thursdays are slot horse days, so if you've got a need for speed and a perspex 130 second scale Clydesdale, come enjoy the sport of tiny kings. I don't think it's humane to breed a horse that small. That's why you get the injection molded ones. Aren't we all injection molded when you really think about it? And in other news, the town hall is bracing for a huge turnout. I know it's Belgian tickler night. $5.99 if you order For tonight's public hearing on Mayor Thurpston's proposed amendment to the city's fence and hedges by law. Oh yeah. More than forty people have already signed up to voice their righteous indignation and, the Innsberg New Dystopiary Club has threatened to stage a sit-in. The town hall has also received nine written letters of complaint, three petitions, and one sinister Mobius fax. Maybe I'll get my zooty fries to go tonight. Don't forget to tipple your tickler before you leave. Nah, just chug it. Smart. And now sports with Montgomery Edith Slump? Wow, I've never seen your tongue get whiplash before. Hello there, fans of the sporting arts. It is I, noted athletics enthusiast Edith Slump. Is this another bet? I've been brought low by my gambler's itch. Okay. Uh what's going on in the world of sport there, Edith? Well, funny that you should ask. Monty did give me some notes on the literal tigers, but I would classify them more as unhinged rantings than facts, and as a serious journalist, I think it's important to maintain the integrity of broadcast news. So I'm going to talk about sports day at East Sump ers Elementary School, where my niece and nephew totally crushed it like they always do. Uh okay, um what uh what was sports day like at East Sump Bakers Elementary? Did we win? First of all, Graham, it was surprisingly exciting. It turns out the thrill of competition can be had at any age. And second, no, because they stopped awarding medals in 2016 because it made the parents feel bad. Cool, I guess nothing happened then. Au contra ire, Alex, it was a day of breathtaking intensity. I don't think anyone has truly lived until they've seen a fifty legged race. Fifty legs? Well not all on one child, Alex. That would be impractical. What they do is tie an entire class together into one big group and then they have to navigate an obstacle course. It's like watching river dance in slow motion. And with water traps. Why why are there water traps? They're using the same course as the Bog Hop. Oh I remember Bog Hop. I used to be so good at it. What else did they have? All the usual school sports, Red Rover, Longdash, Sung Su's The Tug of War, the Fifty Meter Scrumple. Nothing special. Do they have room for a fifty meter scrumple at East Baker's Elementary? Well, they did have to laugh the school three times. But my nephew Rowan realized that he could shortcut through the cafeteria and sh aved like two minutes off each of his laps. So obviously he won, and as a prize he doesn't have to run the fifty meter scrumple next year. Well there were some tremendous displays of athleticism over at the Thurpston County Nature Preserve. They didn't run the tough bredder through there, did they? They better not have I signed papers to that effect last week. Oh no no no . It was a class trip to the trout reef. Turns out those fish really do go wild for trout chow. Really? I always thought that stuff tasted like hickory sticks. Well, I'm glad you had such a great time feeding the fish. Anything else to report on in sport? So after I was done helping out as a chaperone on Myrtle's class trip, my nibblings actually came home with me so their mom and dad could have a night off to It is so early for Joan's late. So we ordered in pizza from Formosa Palace and played Klaus de Bruzio's new kids game, ticket to participate, which I would not recommend , and that we watch the new Tugger Nuts movie instead. Oh, Tuggernut slams at home. As the arts reporter, um how is it? Oh I have no idea. I was honestly wiped out from a full Can't you just watch a movie and enjoy it there in the moment? I guess you can, if you're not the arts reporter, counter point. Today I am the sports reporter. Okay . So what else happened in sports ? Everyone brushed their teeth, and then Rowan and Myrtle slept in a fort they built in the living room floor. How is that sports? I told them they could disassemble my fut on if they both passed Fiz Ed this semester. Well, congratulations, Myrtle and Rowan. Anything else going on in sports this week, Edith? Oh probably, but I'm not gonna read Monty's polemic on air. Be sure to post it in the break room so we can all enjoy it. I've already made multiple copies. Oh, by the way, Joan, we're out of toner. How is that light getting brighter? One of life's great mysteries, Alex. Speaking of which, we go now to Richter Hammock Slam up in the QWRP traffic coopter. How's the Etennsburg traffic looking up there? Rich ter. Graham, before I'm able to divulge any information to you, I'm going to need the password. Is the password what's the traffic, Richter? Not by a long shot, but if you're having some trouble, I might be able to give you a hand. You'll need to tell me what stage of the game you're on. Have you encountered Conroy yet? Or are you still working on the towers of Hano i! Wow, usually it's a figurative game that Richter plays with us. Richter, did I miss like a package in my cubby that I was supposed to open so I could participate with this? Oh no package, Clam Graham,! But at this point you're probably going to need a super high-frequency car-band radio tuned to 28 GHz at 17 millimeters. I found an old Boeing 702 geostationary satellite with some sp are bandwidth to pipe things through. Once you're tuned in, there's a short story element that tells you the allegory of the cave. And once I gather all of that stuff, what will the allegory of the cave teach me. In an academic context, plenty, but here nothing. But if you've read the comic about the fox, the rabbit and the scorpion crossing the river earlier, you'd know to hop carrier waves before the end of the story to hear the plea from the Queen of a Thousand Years. Assuming you're caught up, you should then be off to unscrew every head of every chess monarch down at Ewell's chess club on 1000 Adam Boulevard. Richter, is this an arg ? That's the noise I'm making. Well, I shouldn't be talking out of character, but yes, Graham, this is an AR G. In order to have received that satellite frequency, you would have needed to go to the Innsberg Public Library last Thursday to check out a modified first edition printing of Thomas Pynchon's classic Gravity's Rainbow. Only then could you take the last letter of every numbered page and run it through the Caesar cipher that you found during the Towers of Hanoi, thus revealing the walking directions necessary to find the morbidium key. I see. Thank you, Richter. Follow-up questi on. How was I supposed to have known that I needed to do any of that? You mean you haven't been watching domain name registration transfers closely for the past three months? I would have thought RichterARG.com would have given something away Well, you haven't told us anything about the traffic, Richter, but I am pleased to hear that for once you've wasted more of your time than ours. That remains to be seen, Graham, as the circuit of Hephaest us, which as we all know, grants its owner the powers of the Millennium Envoy, has yet to be claimed . Okay, well, before we let you go, Gus, no, I don't care what you found in the HTML, you can't go geocaching. Before we let you go, is there anything traffic related you have to report for us? Well, if you are on Julian Street, you may want to avoid the area Unless and I say unless you have a space warrior gun. It is the only gun that can kill machine men. Back to you, Graham, Alex, and the scorpion. Is that my new nickname now? I don't think so. Uh can it be? Sure. Ooh, I have a domain to purchase. Sounds like Gus knows his way around some HTML if you're looking for a webmaster. Let's change the subject. Our summer intern Derek is on location at the macro golf course . Why? Uh is that the throw? I'm sorry. Summer intern Derrick is on location at the new macro golf course that's just opened on the outskirts of town. We go to him now live. How's it going, Derek? Oh that's the throw. Yes, Derek, that was the throw. Please start talking. You betcha. Hi Graham. Hi Alex. And hello to all you gentle listeners out there in QWRP's Corpline Land. I'm trying a new thing. I don't know if it's gonna stick. Um, it's me, summer intern Derek, here on location at the brand new macro golf course just outside of town very easy to get to because you just have to drive a little while and then you're outside of town. It's awfully big and kind of an interesting spectacle and uh I'm hoping that I'll get some good golfing today. Hey Derek, I'd like to just cut in real quick and say that we've all been using the phrase macro golf like we know what that means. What does that mean? Oh I know this one. I have the notes on my hand. It's a fresh new take on the world's oldest sport, mini golf, and can be enjoyed by the I ran into space in my hand. I'm gonna assume by everybody in the whole family? Well now hold on there, boy. I wouldn't say the whole family. This this course is most in appropriate for very young children and shall I say the infirm. Hi, Farmer Bumper, what are you doing here? Well, this is my fields and this is my course and these here my obstacles. Oh, I didn't know you were the owner. Um I need to learn how to write with my left hand so I can take notes of my right hand as well and then I can put them together and have way more things to say. Well all the best macro duffers are amp dexterous so best to get the practice in early. That's just what I'm here for, Father Bumper. It's to hone my mini golf skills. Well now hold on there just a bit. I'm not a father no more. I excommunicated myself to get away from the bad debts on the church, and now we've got this here macro golf cour Why don't we get you clubbed up and uh head on out to the lynx? Well then what do I call you? Do I call you like Caddy Bumper? Let's try Mr. Ultracise for a bit and see how that goes, shall we? You bet, Mr. Caddy. Now l,isten ers, what's unusual about this course is that it is set up like a normal mini golf course, uh, except that everything is really far away and also really, really big. Hmm. Strapping young lad of your heart you're gonna need, let's Now there is a deposit on that. I will uh forward that to the studio. Well hang on a second, Mr. Caddy. These look like a normal size putter in a normal size ball. I thought everything's supposed to be huge. Oh you misunderstand. Macro golf is all about taking mini golf from the miniature level and bringing it back up into the macro level where it can be enjoyed by people of all ages and at the correct size. That sounds amazing. So we've taken all of your favourite obstacles from the minigolf and we've increased them in size by say a factor of between two and fourteen depending, on what contractors were available, and spread them out across the rest of my property in a golf like fashion. I've been playing mini golf for like probably nineteen years now. Uh what should I set my handicap at? Oh this is a world class course so uh we set the part an appropriate we're gonna say three hundred. Wow that is challenging. And it's a heck of an exercise and walk too. Why don't you come on over here and have a look at the map? We can familiar ourselves with the course layout . Over here we start off with the loop loop and we're gonna move into the cloud face. That's a classic. Then you got here the trials of Odysseus There's Twister, Laser Corridor, then you got the water gate. That goes into fallen water, then fallen rocks, and then we end the front now with Joel Schuma cher's falling down. Oh cool, I hope there's a flaming golf cart. Oh you see, everything's all made out of corn here, Derek, so nothing can actually be on fire. It's how I'm able to so efficiently and economically reconfigure my property every year. What about the back nine? Oh well that's where things start to get a bit more difficult. In the back nine you start out with the crushing a move on to hole eleven gas . Whole twelve is the Innsberg Burden Society's protected goose nesting area, so please be aware of the ganders. They are extremely territorial. What? Ho thirteen Jolf? O fourteen Jolf two multibull. O fifteen is Formosa Palace presents the Grand Cannon of Low Main. And hole sixteen is Farmer Bumper's Forced Perspective Jamble Ree. Stay tuned for the musical number. Hole 17 is Sense Fortress. Hmm. Well, I don't want to do Sense Fortress. It's easiest part of the run. It's elevation . Can I try gas ? I'll be happy to walk you through the hole, but I don't think any of your listeners have paid admission, Derek. Can't give anyone an awful free ride now, can't we? Hey, look, Bumpo, if you don't let Derek play at least one hole, this free ad is over. The boy loves mini golf and we don't want to have to build another course in the break room. That was the best nineteenth birthday ever. I didn't like being a windmill. Well , we're standing at the final hole right now. Why don't you give that a try? Oh cool. Hole eighteen's always got great gimmicks. Uh what do you call this one? We call it the donkey. But it's just a wind turbine. Unfortunately the, Dutch refused to export any more of their classical windmills, so we had to sell for a high-end HQ 5500- 140. May not have that old world charm, but it does put out fifty five hundred kilowatts in a thirteen meter per second wind. So why is it called the donkey? Well it's a reference to El Ingenio Hidalgo Donkey de la Mancha. If you get in the hole, you get one thousand kilowatt hours of renewable energy for the gear pumped directly to your hole. And what happens if you don't make the shot? Oh you have to forfeit the deposit on the ball. Once those blades hits you ain't never gonna find that ball in this county again. Okay well, I have confidence in my skills, so I'm gonna take the shot. Here it is, dear listeners. Oh well thank you for your loyal service One hundred and fifty dollar golf ball. You'll be remembered on the expense sheets of the radio station. A hundred and fifty bucks for a ball? Look, I can't use corn to replace carbon fiber blades, so I need to recoup my calves somewhere. Well I feel like carbon fiber blades wouldn't break if I wasn't shooting golf balls at them. This interview's over. What a great segue. Back to you, Graham. Oh. Uh thanks, Derek. Uh well, that takes us up to the Are you okay? I it's a golf ball. And it's warm. Derek, was your ball a green Ruggington five? How did you know? Well, the good news is we don't owe that deposit. Yay! The bad news is you will be replacing this six hundred dollar soundproof window. Mm-hmm. And the M M's machine in the break room. Oh no, poor Emma! I just restocked that. Oh well, waste not, want not. Well, while Michael takes care of one part of the problem. Save me some blue ones. And now we're heading up to the break. When we come back, a new traveling exhibition all about historical memes is opening at the Intinsburg History Museum. So if you've ever wanted to cast your eyes upon Andy Warhol's thirty-two Campbell soup cans, the Magna Carta or the Shroud of Turin. Hang on, what do you mean memes? These are priceless works of art, so famous that literally everyone recognizes them. Right? Rosemary's really good at getting people to give a crap about art history. And if you're looking for something to do this weekend, bring your safety goggles and respirators to the grand opening of Ball Hinckley's Raymond's Talc Barn second balls drywash. Inconveniently located off Intercounty 4, it features three man-sized dry wash chambers. So if you've never experienced the cleansing grit of a dry shower, or you just have some cast iron you need to restore, don't Don't neglect the balls. I need to get that off his billboards. We've had complaints. Man, does everyone in Chuffiel have sand in their shorts? You know what would lighten them up? It's probably not a dry shower. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and finally , Big Pop is back in town, so if anyone needs to go see Daddy, he'll be in the chums until next Tuesday. Stick around, more Quirpline after this. You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM! Thanks again to our sponsor, Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle! Give your idle art a kick in the pants from across the room with Brutal Poodle's revolutionary 10-foot-long wobbly pencil! Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle! Also fun when you canoodle.