The Rescue of the Homecoming Goose

You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM! Quirpline this week is brought to you by the Young Buck Dumbluck Nunchuck from the fishing game enthusiasts at Young Buck Sporting. Just yeet our state-of-the-art nunchuck into the air and the in-built gyro will smack it into the the head of nearest animal, the young buck dumluck nunchuck! Tonight we feast on plum duck. Good morning . Welcome to Corp Line. Big G Money here with a train. How's it going, Alex? Loaded and locked. Typically isn't that done in the other order? How are you supposed to load it if it's already locked? Duh. To be fair, I've never tried. Oh, see you dressed to the right. Yes. And hopefully everyone out there is dressed right in beautiful Tinsburg. Bang it to fit or paint it to match. That one was popular for a long time. Yeah, it explains a lot of the civic architecture. Yeah, I didn't think cast iron could be so Well anyway, the news Nominations are open for the first round of competitors in this year's Big Pig Off. Of course last, year's ch ampion, full on fajitas, is included in the roster, but upcoming challengers, Hot Dog Soup, and Conky Dong Sr. are set on making this sow's ear into their silk purse. Bring a sturdy poncho. And speaking of finging off, controversy has erupted once again at City Hall, this time after Mayor Dick Thurston slashed the city's annual parade budget, a move that has drawn what I will tactfully refer to as considerable ire from the Oh yeah, everyone is pissed. The Arts Council already bought its annual supply of trailer hitches and paper mache paste. The Intinsburg Arts Council has joined the Intinsburg New Dystopiary Club's existing sit-in in solidarity, swelling the numbers to twenty-two hundred people. Yeah, the town hall is now entirely engulfed the town hall, but on the upside I'm supposed to remain impartial, so I just want to say I fully support the protesters in all their demands. Say me some zooti fries. In order to rally the spirits of the protesters, the Innsberg Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir will be hosting a recital on the steps of the town hall all day. So if you work downtown, contact Fred for a free pair of earplugs. Unless you're Dick Thurpston, in which case cop and earful of this jerk Indeed. And now oh Health with the QWRP Health correspondent Lorna Schlitzwistle Oh please grant call me Mama Medicine No Congratulations QWRP listeners, it is I Mama Medicine, and I'm here for another one of my top-rated health segments. Typically, reviews come after the performance. And today I'm here to talk about a brand new cleanse that I am just loving . But there's no juice because this is an internal cleanse for your house and not your colon. What manner of juice does one put up themselves for a high colonic? Oh my gosh, no, no, no Alec Juice is not suitable for any kind of colonic chakra cleansing. You should use a mix of Himalayan salt and mineral oil. But we've moved off topic. Something out of movement. Alex stop, engaging. So Lorna, please tell us about I'm sorry, the health of your house actually I'm lost. Well, Gord, it sounds like you are searching. I know I was searching for a place to put all sorts of unw anted things in my living room. I just felt that the harmonious balance of my home was out of whack and it was just crowded with too many things. My great aunt had given me some curios , there was a bunch of expired potpourri I'd been meaning to throw out, and I had an enormous bag of dehydrated witch hazel that impulse bought over at the talc barn as I'm sure so many of us had, and I thought what could I do with all of this? And then it came to me one day, what if I took an old length of dryer vent and attached it to the magical suck hole in the middle of my wall? Well all of a sudden I had an incredible central vac system. It was amazing. It was transformative. All of that stuff gone. And all the cat dander that was floating around I've I uh sorry, Lorna, the um the sorry, the the the what in your wall? Why the magical suck hole that mysteriously appeared in my living room wall one day. It's incredible you can put anything in there. All of my sage ashes now go in there. I've given my really sheddy, I'll pack a blanket a really, good vacuum. I've been using it to strip the lead paint off my walls. Any dead bugs I'm not gonna be using in a medicine bag? No, sorry, sorry, sorry, Lorna, I I do need to interrupt. You said to not engage. I can't just let magical suckholes sit there unexplained. Oh, Grantel, you need to really embrace more of the mysteries of the universe. Who am I to question why the pipesman had to get access to my house, and now why do I have a new hole in my living room that sucks in everything I put into it at extreme velocity and with unyielding hunger it, seems? I'm not gonna ask. I just assume it is my reward for putting out so much good energy into the universe. Wait, sorry, the pipesmen did this? Why yes, I believe that the pipesmen were the terrestrial manifestation of the universe's good vibes for me. I know because I was out at Ball Hinckley's Raymond's Telc Barn buying dehydrated witch hazel, and when I came back there was a little sticker on my door that said while you were out While you were out what? Well the note did not say, but I feel the suckhole speaks for itself. What does it say? Ah Albert I do not know which language it speaks and I cannot comprehend its words. But I do know that everyone on my street in West Some Pakers now has their own magical suckle, so clearly it's saying something that people want to hear. And I want to hear from you, the listeners. What are you feeding into your suck holes? Oh no, please can we n ine one, go ahead, you're on the air. Hey, Lorna. Oh hello, Pastor Forester . Oh no, Lorna, you can just call me Zack. We're not down at the Hexacostal Church. Well, all right, Zach. Thank you for calling into my show. Now I know you, like me, have a deep spiritual connection to many deities . So are you incorporating religion into your suck hole? Oh you took the words right out of my mouth, Lorna. In fact, in order to streamline the whole confession process, I've been telling my congregation to just write their sins down onto a piece of paper, throw it in the tube, and when I'll see 'em in a week or two, that'll be great and I can just absolve them remotely. Your suck hole is also a blowhole? You receive goods back? Well no , but I'll just have to trust in God or some other God to make sure they show up in my rectory one day, and in the meantime everyone feels good, like they've done something good with their soul. Thank you, Zach. Sound spiritual advice as always. See Gamji, other people just trust in the inherent magical mysteries of the universe. Oops, I hung up on him. Oh thank you, because we do have another caller on the line. Please go ahead caller number two. Hi, Lorna. Greg Fick. Stay at home dad. I use my hole to vacuum up anything that's a choking hazard, like Cheerios or Bent Nails. I've been using it to suck up all of our loose Lego as well, but I haven't found the collection point yet, so I'm just buying more and more Lego. Dang, your kids must love Lego. No, it's all for me. Daddy's only allowed one hobby. I like spending some time with something else telling me what to do. Once the little tigers are in bed, it's down to the garage to pop out my brick spreader. Whoops! Oh, that hang-up button is real big and easy to bump. Wow, Aldi, thank you so much for trying to keep the show moving because you're right, we do have yet another caller. Please go ahead and share your suck wisdom with us. Once again, Dan von Spront is broadcast ing to the loyal listeners of QWRP here in Innsbruck. Thanks for the station ID, Darren. That'll save us time this quarter hour. What are you using the suckhole for? Ah, well you understand then that I am also a very thrifty person, which means that I was most pleased when the city provided me with this vacuum tube in the side of my walls that I have still been using to clear out the errant gases from my vacuum chamber before I supersaturated with the necessary gases in order to catch alpha particles. Amazing, doctor Franz Brand. That sounds like it has a lot of healthful ener gy. Oh, in the right hands indeed, but uncontrolled the way I am capturing them from nature and cosmic rays. They could in fact intercept your DNA and just rip it to shreds. No. This is not something helpful, but it is in fact very important to the progression of science. Oh, and so you're putting them into the suck h ole. Excellent. But it does result in some very high ly radioactive vapor, but uh you know what they say? When the gases go out, they go into the wall and that's not my problem, says Darren von Sprant . It's much more arrogant than the original German. Wow, that sounds wonderful, Darren. No, no, no, it doesn't. Thank you, mister Vonsbront. Attention listeners, please don't go near your suck hole. We still don't know where anything's coming out, but apparently it's full of sprontium. And cat dander, because it is the season, you know. That's all the time we have. Nama stay, Grizzy. Nama stay allwind. Goodbye, Lorna. Hello, darkness, my old friend, as we go now to Richter Hammock Slam up in the QWRP traffic copper . How's it going, Richter? Graham, I could say who are you , but in this case, we're not going to take it anymore. By which I mean we're not going to take your particular brand of bullsh aggressive start, let's see where it goes. Well, Alex, I hope in the end that you do have the time of your life. Please forgive me that it is a different band, but this will relate. And this relates to traffic, I 'm sure. Only in the sense, Graham, that I am conveying people from one loc ation to another. Yes, it's grad season and you, I'm sure, as the proud cra Graduate need to show off your ability to be a big man on campus. And what better way to do that than with Richter Hemicsland's graduation delivery air limousine and traffic coopter. Affirmative on the elevens and twos only. 11s and 2 did what did Gus did we change this? Of course we didn't change it. He's winding us up, and you of course will wind up at the grad of your choice. That is, of course, as long as your school has chosen to host its grad at the Innsberg Convention Center Richter, we've been through this I f I feel like multiple times. You can't operate an air taxi service out of a copper. Graham, you think I'm just picking people up and dropping them off like a common cab ? That's pedestrian. Categorically not. I've converted a seven-story grain silo into a multi-floor airborne party tower of powerer., How how else are you gonna get you and your entire class from your high school to the grad in one go? Wow, hey, second surprise public safety message of the broadcast: don't get in Richter's silo. Graham, I can assure you it's perfectly safe! It's been in development for decades! I base it off of designs I drew into my notebooks back in elementary school. The bus ride back and forth from school was an hour and a quarter each way, so the designs are extremely detailed if shaky. Though I was able to clean them up during my junior high drafting options and put them into the draftsman's scale. So assuming the coopter can carry the weight of a grain silo full of graduans. Duel motors when necessary, Graham Assuming this is safe, why would anyone choose to go with the helicopter grain silo in a city full of other options like the Pipesman Water Taxi or the normal above ground taxi. One of the Formosa town rickshaws. The Libertine submarine runs grad trips. You could smuggle yourself through the rum tunnels if Sandra doesn't catch you, that's what we used to do. Or just walk. Well , being a fully licensed establishment, we do have a bartender on hand to check ID, which in a high school environment can be important. But most importantly, we've got the dancer pole that connects all seven stories . It was originally planned in my drawings as something akin to film ation's Ghostbusters style fire pole. You know, the one where you would change your clothes as you went down it? Anyway, I can only get it to work in one direction, so it's kind of purpose-built now. You have a bar and a fireman's pole that I infer rips people's clothes off. Richter, you have a flying gentleman's club. Or just a wicked rad Bond lair. You've actually hit on one of the major problems with this idea. Docking points aren't going to be an issue. We're up to four right now that we're zoned for, but if we don't hit any more water mains, we could be up to five by the end of the month. The point is that if you're going from Innsberg Central High, Raster Academy, or Chung Tech to the juvenile town hall. Richter Hamic Slam's air limousines will get you there. What if someone's parents are driving them to prom? What are the roads look like? The idea is to take an entire class, or at least the cool kids. For the past 20 years, we've been looking at two to seven outcasts per class at most. So as long as interpersonal pressures of conformity around social milestones remain in place, we can stay profitable and you can get there on time . Either by air or whatever form of locomotion you choose at this moment Why not both? Uh he he is right about one thing it's homecoming season, so we've sent summer intern Derek out to Innsburg High to pay homage at the altar of prom . How's it going, Derek? Uh hi Graham. Hi Alex. Uh I'm I'm here at Innsberg High School. I'm standing outside the gym. And are you sure that this isn't some sort of trick to make me go back to high school? Why? Well I showed up here at the high school and there's a whole bunch of stuff going on still and I thought that for a second that I'd have to go back so that everything can keep happening at the high school, but everything's different. So I'm not sure if I'm actually supposed to be at this high school again or another one. Derek, high school keeps happening even when you're not there. Oh, it's like Schroeder 's cat. I'm still in high school, whether I'm there or not. I no, Derek, what I mean is w y you graduate Yeah. What's what's going on? What do your elf eyes see? Oh I play a Warforged, and me and my fellow students are prepping for homecoming. No, you don't g fine, sure. Yes, you and your fellow students. Now in order to do a good job of this segment, I've exhaustively researched all the traditions of prom by asking my dad. He went seven times. I think that's a record. Well, I bet he's established a record. That's right, a permanent record. And he went back into his permanent record and told me all about the weird traditions of prom . So all you guys and gals and non binary pals, grab a pencil and something to write on, and I'm gonna tell you about all the things you need to know about prom, thanks to my dad. First up, everyone loves how a man looks in a tux, so I'm wearing one. I went out and got a tailored tux this morning. It's always fun seeing what the little line items on his invoices end up being. Which normally would be fine, except that my measurements are two years old and apparently I'm still growing, so I've kind of already burst through the shoulders, and it doesn't close quite right around my chest. And just between you and me, Graham and Alex, the pants are a little tight, but I I hope it doesn't come through your pants. Don't engage Alex. Now speaking of pants, everybody needs underwear to get lucky. Uh wait, hold up. So I drew some four leaf clovers on my hands and I'm using them as a pocket square. Ah are you also still wearing normal underwear? Graham I can't answer that on the radio that's obscene. Also uh we need to go to the pharmacy to get supplies wink wink. Uh what? Well that's what my dad said so, it's why I picked him up some eye drops 'cause I think my dad seems to have a blinking problem. Oh, you're so close. Yes, a severe blinking problem. And fourth on my list, um, prom is better with alcohol. Now this is a little weird because everyone in high school is too young for alco hol? So I think this is a leftover from when my dad went to prom in his twenties? I feel really old now. Derek, is this all stuff you did at your prom? Well no, I never went to prom. What? Hold up, you graduated, right? Well my dad told me that I didn't have to graduate to go to prom. You never even went once? No, every homecoming weekend my parents would take me over to Schlooptubes and we'd stay in the attached hotel. It's so cool. They have a tiki themed restaurant, and my parents would get one of the suites so I get to sleep in a race car? So getting to see prom will be a new experience for you. Yeah, like I don't really know what to expect. Well, you've got the eyedrops and underpants to handle it. And I have a special pass from the principal that says I don't have to go to class. Why would you need that? Where did you get one? She gave me one after she saw me trying to get into my old locker. I think she thinks I'm an adult. But hey, we're here, we're outside the gym. Let's go inside and experience prom. Derek it,'s 8:30 in the morning. Prom isn't until later tonight. Wow, this is as chaotic as my dad said it would be. He called it a bacchanalia. No, he didn't. He doesn't know that word. Oh, you're right. I'm just editorializing, aren't I? Derek, theater of the mind, what's happening? There's a dozen kids gathered over in a corner with a fallen ladder and they're screaming? There's three seniors running oh seniors are like grade twelve students. There's three seniors running along with chafing dishes full of basketballs for some reason. And the janitor's over by the stage, and he's got an axe, and he's trying to cut a hole in the wall. What the f Yeah, and there's so much bunting! Derek, did someone dose you with DMT? What's in those eye drops? Oh, it looks like the jander's taking a break. Let's go talk to him. Hi, Mr. Peterson. It's me, summer intern Derek, from the radio. I used to come to your office every lunch break and you'd give me candies. Oh god, is that where all my hydratable rags went to? Oh Der,ek , I recognize your voice from the radio. We're gonna need your help to get the goose out. The goose? Do you mean the Insburg High homecoming signet? The very same. It's currently like eight to nine inches into the vacuumous hole in the wall. It's a real problem. Uh chased a half eaten Oreo in there, and uh you're stocky boy. We're gonna need your leverage to wedge it out once I actually break the vacuum. I've got my axe ready here. The goose is it's not going anywhere, let's be honest. We're just trying to crack the glass. You know, release the vacuum, not sever the head of the goose. It's not the end of homecoming. Gentle, listeners, we have some radio drama. I have to effect a heroic rescue. Um, all right, Mr. Peterson, I'm ready. I'm gonna try to get my arm up here, gentle listen ers . Uh, the Signet's body is quite rotund. Okay, you gotta hold it tight. Mate, mate, make sure it doesn't move. I'm gonna bring the axe down here now. Okay, gonna need another hit. One more . Son of a bitch. What the hell did they co at this pipe in? Mr. Peterson, I can't even get my arm all the way past his body. Um, if only this pneumatic tube didn't have any suction. Hang on . Oh my god. You twisting the ma My God, that's like a sphincter creating, just with your bare hands that's not even humanly po my god, it's it's cut off! The goose is free! Oh the goose is loose! Jesus Chr ist, someone catch the goose! That was intense! Technically, it wasn't a pipe. I've never delivered a baby goose before. That's a whole new experience. The miracle of birth, experienced only here at prom. Oh, you're about nine months too early there, Derek. There's another prom later in the year? Look everyone, Derek has saved the signet from the lowest to the highest. What say you everyone? Let's call him the homecoming king. All in favor ? Any opposed? What about the goose? Shut up. Well, Mr. Peterson, do you have that power? Only outside of Brooklyn. Now you're the king. You take care of the signet . I'll take care of these smoked oysters. It's 8:30 in the morning. Look, we're gonna be serving these all day. Someone's gotta put 'em away. Gross. Well there you have it everybody. Prom's happening all week down here at Innsberg High School, so come on down and enjoy yourself, eat some smoked oysters and take a turn at cramming the signet. Back to you, Graham and Alex. I swear prom was different when we went. Yeah, at my prom we doused this poor girl in pig blood and ate a bunch of prawns. Weird. My year it was muscles. Uh I didn't go to safe grad. Well, that takes us up to the break. Uh when we come back, the hills are alive with the sound of nematodes. The Tunsburg Bug Patrol are holding the quadrennial running of the roundworms. So bring the kids and enjoy the breeding practices of the first known life form to survive a virtually unprotected atmospheric descent to Earth's surface. Did we come from space? And speaking of circular logic, Roland's round table of ribs is bringing back all you can eat leftover nights every Wednesday. Really seems like a snake eating its own tail kind of affair . Yeah, some sort of Oriborous. Stick around, more Qirpline after this. You're listening to Quipline here on QWRPFM! Thanks again to our sponsor, Young Buck Dumbluck Nunchuck, from the fish and game enthusiasts at Youngbuck Sporting. Just yeet our state-of-the-art nunchuck into the air and the inbuilt gyro will smack it into the head of the nearest animal. The Young Buck Dumluck Nunchuck can even be used by a dumb f ive.