Baskerville Sands Mystery Mansion Tour

You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Quipline this week is brought to you by the Pampian Campion Champion. This cannon plug is made from eco-friendly pink flowers hailing from the mountains of South America. The Pampyan Campionampion, T , made in Beautiful Grampion. Good morning Insberg, welcome to Quirpl ine. Big G Money here with A Train. How's it going, Alex? Statistically relevant. Uh age, sex, or location. More of a standard deviant. Well, really, we're all outliers here in Cenicons burg. Extremely proud and incredibly gross. A gross is 144 of something. Are there slogans getting footnotes now? Yeah, but they don't like to use them on the billboards on account of the weird kerning. I could have sworn that was pronounced cheming. And now the news. Local chocolateer Buccini Pomponi has introduced a fun new confection, Hunsburg raccoon eggs. It's like those hollow chocolate eggs with a toy inside, but the fun twists is that the raccoon eggs have an owl pellet in them. That's quite a twist, but is it fun? I'm reading the copy I'm given. The pellet contains, quote, a toy for you to put together. Like a mouse skeleton, or two smaller mouse skeletons, or a vole skeleton and half of a mouse skeleton, or three half mouse skeletons. They'll be selling under consignment exclusively at Kitty Corner Supercenters, which means if you want one, you'll need to hop a bus to Nattering Pines shopping mall. Or don't And tensions continue to escalate over Mayor Thurpson's proposed amendment to the Innsberg Fen ces and Hedges By Law. The Innsberg New Dystopiary Club has set up a hedge fund to fight this new ordinance over the long haul. They're asking lovers of trees and or the clothing free to dig deep into their folds and give generously for the sake of our town's greenery. Noted local sh disturber Raphael Krinkelstoof. Whoa, I think he prefers to be referred to as a scientist. Sorry, noted local sh scientist. Hey I'm reading the copy I'm given. Who the hell's writing it today? Well, okay, Gus, but it sure wasn't me. Raphael Krinklstoof is organizing a picket line to block the entrance to town hall until the club's demands are heard. How are forty people gonna block the whole town hall? Oh oh no, there's no way they could do that with forty people. Oh. Now, with fourteen hundred people. Are you serious? Yeah, it turns out club membership spiked overnight following a stirring call to arms Raphael posted on that gardening enthusiast forum Greg's list. Really? And here I thought the new dystopiary club was Bush League. Well speaking of exploring the bush, that takes us neatly to our community spotlight on local business. This month, we're featuring Terra Nova Customs, where owner-operator Mephistopheles Klimpt says he can turn any vehicle into a travel-worthy RV. So naturally, we've sent down QW RP's recreational vehicle expert, Sadie Kasperson. Take it away, Sadie. Oh, hi Graham. Hi, Alex. I'm coming to you from the cavernous interior at Terra Nova Customs. And I'm speaking to the owner, Methistopheles Klimt, who despite his infernal sounding name, is completely non-threatening. Thank you for making that explicit, Sadie. I usually have to spend several minutes reassuring people that I'm not inherently evil in any way. Or aren't you a philosopher? Anyhow, so Mr. Climpt, please tell me about your business, which thankfully is not also named after a Satan. It means new world in Italian. I wanted my RVs to have the spirit of adventure, so I named it after the famous Antarctic Expedition. I sorry, the famous Antarctic Expedition, the one led by Scott. The one where Captain Oates you know went out for a walk said he might be some time. Yeah, that's the one. They never showed the part where he came back in the movie. Oh my, everyone here to just seems know so much about ill-fated Antarctic expeditions. Have you joined Lenny's trivia team? He never made it clear who was breathing at the end either. Oh, Mr. Clemd, I'm pretty sure that's a whole different thing you're thinking of, but let's uh let's move on the interview. What's with that sign on the wall with all the exciting writing? Oh that's there says Terra Nova Industrial Retrofitters Local Union Kaboshiki Kaisha. We were registered on the Nikkei for some reason. Oh, those accountants are always up to some funny business, aren't they? But enough chit-chat, let's see those land yachts. Oh, hold your horses there, Miss Casperson. This is an active work site, so we're gonna need you to don some safety equipment. Well now you hold your horses sir I'm not gonna ruin this fresh perm with a hard hat could could you at least put the boots on? Not with this case a gout. Oh isn't that the mobile homeschool it's one of our first projects back in for maintenance and one of my personal favorites. It's a London double decker with some educational modifications to it. It used to run the replacement service between Marble Arch and Ipswich. Well that's all well and good, Mr. Climped. But is it an R V? It's for education now, not recreation. I'm sure you can learn something on a London double decker, but that's street learning, and I'm not in charge of the curriculum. I'm not in charge of the curriculum either. But if I was there'd be a lot more D's, just let me tell you. Anyhow you said this wasn't an RV so let's move on. This one's an import vehicle from across the pond. The 1944 Studebaker M It's amphibious. Oh, by the good lord's chest airs, this looks like a tank with a mobile home stapled on top. Less stapled and more bolt welted, but yes. I've never been in a split level RV before. Let's go. It's not quite ready for public consumption yet, but over here we have a similar conversion being done on a sob . They have a lineage of jets. Ooh, a sab ! I love Sweden. A few years back, Lenny and I took the RV up and down all their little fiddly fjords. If you peek through the window, you can see the conversation pit slash cuddle puddle. We epoxied it on, but I'm pretty proud of Let's just move on to the next vehicle. Oh, jumping Jezebel's Mr. Clint. This looks like a highway catamaran. Well, you might be able to see some reference to this in the Bible. This was actually two nineteen sixty Norton dominators bought by a couple who always fought over who gets to sit in a sidecar . Now they both can't. I'm like King Solomon over here. Ooh, what an interesting thing to take inspiration from. Speaking of splitting things in twain, this one used to be a riding mower. It's got an LS swap in the front, and in the back a custom design contraption that's used to store the clippings in one gram baggies. The customers seem very particular about the way they're storing their grass. Oh just like Lenny when the neighborhood association's having the annual best lawn contest. Anyhow I don't care about that. Let's move on . Um we've got these three here that we're just starting work on. Uh we've got a seed driller, a hay baler, and some kind of combine harvester. It's a combination of a harvester and something I haven't internalized yet. Oh, cheese and crackers. This is the first time I've ever seen an RV with a toilet balanced over a thresher, Mr. Climpt. Woohoo! We call that El Romance Dale Ombre . Oh, I'd call it a bit breezy for my taste, I think. Can you show me something that looks less like an abomination, Mr. Climpt? If you're interested in alternative drivetrains, this piper cub is now a two-bedroom with a stove to,ilet and, full kitchen. Surely, Mr. Clint, that's a plane. It can't get off the ground anymore, but it has the day. Ooh, Lenny loves those. Last time we went to Formosa Palace, he spent 45 minutes in the bathroom. I think I'm gonna get him one of those for Christmas. He's a lucky man to have someone care for his caboose like that. Oh heavens to Betsy, I don't actually care for his caboose that much on a hot day, you know. But those are the vows till death do you part. Oh yeah, that reminds me. We also convert old hearses into RVs. And vice versa if you like. It sounds like if you take any of these on the road, they'll all be hearses after not too long. Uh given the state your bodies will end up in as hears Ooh, pump the brakes there, Graham and Alex. Despite how ridiculous these vehicles sound, in person you can tell that they've been sturdily built by brawny folks with we'll call it a vision. Well, there you have it, as endorsed by Sadie Casperson. Oh now, hold up there, Frank Lloyd wrong. You won't be catching me driving around in something designed by a Satan. No offense, Mr. Climpt. None detected. But professionally I do have to remind the listeners that I am not speculatively or operatively involved in the infernal arts. Well, before we let you go, Sadie, um how's the weather looking? Ooh, honestly, Graham, you're not gonna believe this, but this building just has a ton of microclimates. Over by the service desk, rainy, it's overcast by the dyno, and hand and god by the paint hutches, it's as wet as Letty's pits on a July day if you're out at Lake and Ash 2. Sorry, we're getting the dehumidifier fixed. Hey Mephistopheles, how's my barge coming? Well we did a test Chris thing just yesterday and I don't know how to put this to you Alex but you know I don't need the spring for a stronger haul or find a weaker champagne. Put it on my tab. I got a good deal on that baby duck. Speaking of ill portents, we go now to Richter Hammock Slam up in the QWRP Traffic Quapter. How's it going up there? Richter. Graham, when a listener tunes into traffic, they want to save time. And what is money? But a very real and physical manifestation of the abstract concept of time . But enough legal talk, I'm here to give you specifically Graham and A-Train or anyone else in the office with cash on hand the chance at cleaving your meat budget in trine . What was cleaving in twain not good enough? A fifty percent discount is pedestrian graham, and you're getting hormoned up. Worn out old beef. What you want is the good stuff, fresh from the farm. I know everyone loves the Girl Scout Butcher Hopefuls, but there's a 5-H coven out in the chums that have bred some serious wagyu. Sukoku Umai, they tell me. Sorry, Richter, you're you're offering me a discount on meat? Am I understanding this right? A good carcass is going to end up around 500 to 550 pounds hanging weight. So we're looking at between 1100 to 1500 dollars all in . Can I put you down for a quarter or maybe a whole half? Because if we can get the whole cow, that's where we really start saving the money. Oh, we can go to auction! We could save even more if we get that meat hook I wanted for underneath the cofter ! Well, I I I appreciate the invite to this hypothetical half-cow. Uh how do I know I'll be getting anything good out of my share of the starboard side of a steer? I can't believe I'm saying this, Richter, but uh your beef share has my interest peaked. Tell me more. Most people worry they're going to end up with a bunch of hamburger, but with modern butchering techniques, any number of forgotten orphic cuts are at tainable. Where once there was just porter house, try, tip, and chuck. We can now look past that unworked flesh to see the sirloin bovette, Denver Steak, and the Pete Roti tendre beneath . And it's all wrapped up, ready for the freezer. You even get the option of collecting the offal, which means you can get the tongue, heart, and oxtail. Delicacies all! But I'm all about the quote unquote dog bones . If you ask me, I've paid for the whole cow and I'm going to use it down to its skeleton. Break those bad boys open and simmer them down to stock or take a band saw to them and roast them for spreading on baguette points. You really haven't lived until well you really should just come by for the next barbecue night. Never thought I'd say this, but you're really selling me here. One further question. How do you divide the cow? I'll cut it straight down the middle like King Solomon. Anyway, I have to go see a guy about picking up a used chest deep freeze, and it's going to take some time tying it to the coffee. So if you live near Dave on Mason Street, you may want to take an alternate route. Also, if you are Dave on Mason Street, I'll be over in five. Traffic is late, so I'm making incredible time. Back to you, Koream ! Thank you, Richter. Now I'm just upset and hungry. Isn we'tird that I can't tell the difference? I feel like out of any of us, you should be the one who knows the answer to that. I'm waiting for the test to come back. Speaking of which, we go now to summer intern Derek, who is on location with Carly Plunk at the Baskerville Sands Mystery Mansion. How's it going? Derek? Hi Graham. Hi Alex. It's me, Summer Intern Derek, here on location at the Baskerville Sands Mystery Mansion. Much like you just said. But this time, I've brought my phantasm detection equipment because this time I'm going to talk to the ghosts. Derek, no? But Graham, it's a classic haunted house. If we don't act as responsible citizens and try to discover if there are specters about I'm sorry, Derek. Did you say phantasm detection equipment? But you know, Alex, like um infrared thermometers and EMF sensors and ectoplasm hygrometers. Derek, that detects moisture, not ghosts. I beg to differ. In the same way that a hygrometer detects the density of water vapor in the air around you, an ectoplasmic hygrometer detects the density of ghost vapor around you. Derek, what makes you think these work? An excellent question, Graham. As we both know, there's a famous ghost living inside me. So I rubbed all the pieces of equipment all over my body and they went absolutely sh house. So quit pro quo, they must be working Derek, can you please do your interview now? With Mrs. Plunk or the ghosts? The former The former people? Mrs. Plunk. Oh. Okay, well she's standing right here. Ugh, for the last time, you ignorant child. Just because we found bodies when we started the renovations doesn't mean it's a haunted house. How terrifying? Scare me more The scariest thing about this house has been dealing with the vampires at the Innsberg municipal permit desk. Oh, my dad always said those people were bloodsuckers. Oh, I see your father's also tried to build something in this godforsaken town. Can he recommend any good contractors? Now now, Mrs. Plunk, I am your interviewer and I'll be ask ing all the hard hitting questions today. First up, you've owned the mystery mansion for several years now, but you've kept it closed the entire time. You said you were fixing it up, but why is there a wall missing from the side of the house? Because nobody in Innsberg understood my vision, which also turned out to be structurally unstable. So when construction entered its third year, I had this brilliant idea. Why build a luxury hotel in Spa when I could build a luxury hotel , spa, and escape room. Of course the hotel and spa are not open yet, but the escape room is. Sweet, let's go on a tour. I love escape rooms. I spent a week and a half at Farmer Bumpers once. And we're still paying that off. As much as the thought of having you traipsed through my family property fills me with disgust. I suppose we all must make sacrifices. This first escape room is called unfinished spawn. Wow, it's very untheme! I can definitely believe that sometime in the late future people will be in here getting hot stones put on their back. What's my first step? I don't want to spoil the solution for your plebeian listeners, but I will give you this hint. It involves installing the stack of Carrera marble tiles. Is that stack of tiles also based on the towers of Hanoi? I'd love doing the Towers of Hanoi. You should put the Towers of Hanoi in every one of your escape rooms. Your suggestion has been noted, but as it was offered to be unsolicited, you will not be credited or paid. Moving on, our next escape room is called Active Construction Site. Wow! It's so realistic. You even have an actor in here working on the plumbing. Oh man, look at him swing that pipe. Yeah, mate, that's why she keep me around. Oh, how do I get past him? Do I have to time my dodges? What no? That's my husband Tiffin. He's doing some work on the uh the attraction. Give us a hand, squire. Grab hold of this ball cock while I try to find my remote. Is there time for me to try this attraction? Oh uh of of course you can. Uh first start with this puzzle, where you have to take measurements for our crown moulding. Mrs Plunk, is the reason that you pivoted away from glamorous day spa and into escape room because you love the dark arts and game design? Or because your expansive renovation project has become a boondoggle. Well it's hardly my fault. Your plumbing code is Byzantine. Oh, fun fact: the Innsberg plumbing code is that complicated because we have the third most unpredictable water table on the planet. I thought it on a water table once. It was old jiggly. And back to my problems. I can't even get my hedge base built because some byla w might be amended. Whoa, this escape room's gonna have a hedge maze? No no that's just to keep the pores out. I resent that. I don't have much money and I'm great at mazes. I spent a week and a half at Farmer Bumpers once. And we're still paying that off too. Well, Mrs. Plunk, I've had a very interesting time here at the Baskerville Sands Mystery Mansion, and you've certainly done a lot to make this a really interesting escape room and not a half finished hotel and luxury spa. I'm so glad at least one of us found this experience stimulating. I'm just a little sad that I didn't get to use any of my phantasm detection equipment. I don't know how the station's gonna amortize it. Derek, just pay for it yourself. On an intern salary? This stuff costs seven thousand doll I can't afford that. Well, fine, fire it up then. Okay, if you insist, Graham, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Uh it's just picking up low levels of me . Oh wow! It's really popping off of this mysterious pit. Oh, I'll have a go at her mysterious pit. No I mean wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Oh, I need to leave, and not just because Well, thanks, Derek. Why was he there? We have airtime to fill, and Derek's gotta run off all that energy somehow. Well that runs us right up to the break. When we come back, Eclipse Week returns to Insberg with a triple header. I'm not sure that's celestially possible. Chumble Mitsubishi is offering 3% APR on all new and used Eclipse Coops and Oh, that makes more sense. The sale concludes this weekend after the third lunar totality. Wait, hold up. And Holden over at Innsberg Organic Greenhouse would like you to come grab his plums. They are cool and delicio us and go great in your icebox. Owing to advances in cross-breeding, his trees were very productive this season and he has too many plums. You may need to twist slightly to release the plums, but once you've got a handful, just stuff them in Are you sure you're not embellishing at all? I am reading the copy I'm given. Stick around more Quipline after this. You're listening to Quirpline here on KWRPFM. Thanks again to our sponsor, Pampion Campion Tampion. This cannon plug is made from eco-friendly pink flowers hailing from the mountains of South America. Pampion Campion Tampion! It looks a bit like a champignon .