Girl Scouts Victory and Coup Conclusion

You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Quirpline this week is brought to you by Hidden Minima, Forbidden Cinema, the shortest films, the smallest drinks, opening at an undisclosed location to Raster Heights, you'll never find us! Hidden Minima for Bidden Cinema. Come and see what we're giving ya . Good morning 's berg, welcome to Quirp Line. Big G Money here with HRAIN. How's it going? Alex? Painted to fit and banged a match. Are you okay? It's been three days. What do you think? Yeah, I I hope everyone else is doing alright out there in Cenic onsburg. Duck I could have sworn it was Wabbit. No, it's definitely duck , but judging by the I'm gonna say claw marks on this piece of paper, this was dictated just before well, however these marks got on the piece of paper. Hey, it's time for the news. Newsburg SCA is pleased to announce that they've looped again, reverting back to the Holocene. So if you're interested in learning how to make a kiln out of mud or extract iron from bacteria found in the culvert grid, they'll be meeting at the Chumble Duck Range every Saturday until they discover copper. will lead to a stronger, harder product. What are you on the bronze council? Yes, it's one of Thurpston County's main exports. You'd think we could finish that Richard Thurpston statue faster. Exports, G. Get out your lawn chairs and meteor cushions. It's almost time for the annual Frankelid Meteor Shower, still only visible from Frank's roof. Frank requests that you not park on what's left of his lawn, and instead, quote, take only your garbage and leave only five-star reviews, proceeds from the fiftyfty-fi raffle are going, as always, to the Thurpston County Space Camp. Frank's really raking it in with this shower, huh? He must be. His online store's got some great stuff. I love those shirts to say I survived climbing the ladder onto Frank's roof. And speaking of survival, our lead story, of course, Innsberg reacts to the installation of the recessed bike lanes. Oh, you mean the trenches? Uh no, they are bike lanes. Then why are the Girl Scouts using them to stage charges against the town hall? Uh y w spoilers, Alex? What do you mean spoilers? We're the news. Well no, it's just now I have to throw it a month. We go now to uh t self proclaimed QWRP war correspondent Montgomery Cone, live on location in the tr in the in the bike lanes near Town Hall. Hello, Montyy. He there, sports fans, it's me, Montgomery Cohn, down here in the trenches. And don't worry about that, Graham. The way I figure it, we're into the third act of this standoff. D day, Monty, third day. That's neither here nor there, Graham. If we're on the third day, we already loaded these trenches and some point they gotta go off and that day's gonna be today. Today? What you got money on this? I haven't been able to make it down to the town hall to put any bets, no. But that's also neither here nor there. Your friend Montgomery Cone has been down here in the trenches for the last three days hoping to lay in provisions with the rest of the girl scouts, and we're ready to go over the top any time. Going over the Monty, this is a civic dispute. Three days ago, Richard Thurpstein locked himself in his office and wouldn't come out. Because he's a big sucky baby. Because he didn't want to hear any public arguments about his fence and hedge bylaw. Yeah that's what I said. And it's a travesty against horticulture. So now, Monty, why are the Girl Scouts involved? Well you see Graham, the girls have been referring to this as a paramilitary scouting operation giving them rights to enter any building in Innsbruck to uh protect the peace and engage in extra legal sleepovers. Were you never a girl scout? I was not. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. Uh but it probably means that you're not familiar with uh all the terminology that they're using here in the theater at Town Square. The theater's closed for the season. Well don't worry about that, Graham. They're gonna wrap up their three-day bivouac here pretty quick and uh when you call back I'll give you some more details on hey, hang on, hang on, we're going over the top, we're going over the top, Gram. I gotta I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta stay with them, but I gotta hang up on you. Cause if I go with you and I'm still on the radio, I'm gonna give away their position. They'll be real upset about that. Montgomery Cohn, senior war correspondent, over it out . I like how our self-appointed war correspond ent stopped reporting when the war started. Come on, Graham, this is basic OPSEC. I know you didn't Girl Scouts, but kids know this stuff. The kids the Girl Scouts. Right. Well, luckily for you, listeners at home, we figured that Monty might endure a bout of high spirits, and so we have a backup. We go now to QWRP Arts Reporter Edith Slump, who has taken up a strategic position where she's got eyes on the town hall and hopefully the children trying to breach it. How's it going, Edith? Oh Graham. Spirits have never been lower here at the town hall. Oh no, what happened? Today's special cocktail is something called an MRE, which I'm sad to report is vod kin consumate. Luckily it's cheap, so like I said, spirits have never been lower because they're a dollar ninety nine. But it's not great though, hey? Oh there's no atheists in a foxhole, Graham. There's no f the bike bike lanes, Edith. There's no although I've heard there's also no Girl Scouts in the bike lanes. What could you see about that? Oh yeah, they ran through the patio just before you called. And and what, Alex? They're not old enough for these MREs, what would I even ask them? Actually Edith, can you give us an idea of how many there are? Well I've only had three Graham at 830 in the morning. How many girl scouts? There's at least a couple platoons. Hold on . Yeah, yeah, Rev and Monty ran out the backside of town hall. Looks like they're setting up sandbags and ladders. What could they possibly be doing? Well, Graham, I am not really an expert 'cause I was only in Girl Scouts for a couple years, but I'm pretty sure they're conducting a second floor breach. That's a hard badge to get. Good for them. Edith, please focus. What do you see? Well I don't see my drink, which is annoying, but uh I guess over at Town Hall . Oh wow, lights. I guess they're technically flashbangs . Wow, kids these days have stuff I never got . Oh hey, it's that asshole Richard Thurpston. Boo . But here's Michael with our drinks. Yay . I've seen we've begun booing. Has Dick Thurpston made an appearance? I saw a shoulder and half an ear before he went back inside the building. The coward. I certainly won't be voting for him again. We didn't vote for him in the first place, that's the problem. Oops, here he is again holding a printer. I believe it's an HP Office Jet Pro. Hold on, he's not seriously gonna throw that at them, is he? And there it goes. What a misappropriation of city funds. Oh I',m glad it missed that ladder. It also missed our war correspondent, Monty Cone. Good moves, Monty. We'll see you back on the sideball field soon. Hey, not to imply you two aren't doing a good job, but could we focus a bit more on what's actually happening of course graham monty just fell into the dumpster looks like three raccoons have come out of the dumpster and uh they're like medium ang ry, but uh Monty's okay. They're winching him out on a stretcher. What is going on with the siege? Well like I said earlier, I'm pretty sure it's a second floor breach, Graham. To tell you the truth, the smoke from all the smoke bombs is making it hard to see the entire town hall is lit in a haze of tactical fuchsia. This really reminds me of a rave I went to once. Me too. I don't remember much. I was on a lot of D MT and very thirsty. Oh you gotta hydrate man . Oh hey look Monty's up yay oh wow look at him go up that ladder. Good for him. I could not do that while being pelted by staplers. He's a singular man with a singular vision. Whereas I am starting to develop double vision. I might need to lay down. You know, I'm genuinely surprised there's this many staplers at town hall. Hey you know what? Thanks Edith. Thanks Michael. You've been a big help. Oh Graham, I don't think that's true. Anything going on in the war right now Edith? Oh probably . Luckily we have a yet further backup. We go now to summer intern Derek, who is on location inside the town hall, where it's safe. Hi Graham . Hi Alex. It's me, summer intern Derek, waving to Edith on the patio. She hasn't seen me yet, but I'll keep waving all the same. Derek, we really need you to tell us what's going on out there. But from here all I can see is Edith getting slowly driving I thought she was getting slowly drunk with MREs. I don't know his initials. Surely you can see something in there. Well, from where I stand, I can see that the Girl Scouts are a heavy favorite to win this skirmish. Oh, really? What's's what's what happening? Well based on watching them go over the top this morning, everyone's been really positive about their chances, but Dick Thurpson's still got fifty seven to one odds, so he's kind of the long shot favorite at this point. Did you say odds? Yeah, there's only been a couple people in here betting on Dick Thurpstein, which is weird because I'm pretty sure they're also secret pipesmen, but I guess they don't think much of his chances. The Girl Scouts are considered to be the best armed in this battle, but Dick has access to about a gross of staplers, which is insider information, and therefore you guys can no longer place bets. Place b Derek, are you a bookie? Uh, do comics count as books? Did they my god, did they put you in charge of taking bets on how this is gonna shake out? Well, you told me to go down to the town hall because it's the only place the children would be safe, and I got down here and there's no children anywhere to be seen. And then Silas came to me and he said I need help with the pool and I like to swim, but now I'm doing this and I figure this is all your fault. It sounds like you have some complaints. I just wanted to help out for once when all the action's going on, and you relegated me here. And I've been a summer intern for so long, and yet you just promoted Monty to being senior war correspondent. This has gotta be the biggest story of the year, and I just want a chance to make my bones. Uh Derek, that's not what that means. Really? Wait, did I mean sow my oats? Not that either. I want to be a part of this thing, and you just shut me into the town hall because you said I'd be safe. But if I'm just gonna be here and not be of any use, then I'm gonna be w what would you call me again a bookie? Y yeah. Then fine. I'm summer bookie Derek and I'm taking odds three to one . On what? I don't know. I haven't been a boogie for very long. Back to you. Well, cool. Thanks, Derek. Um, speaking of people having a tenuous grasp on their occupation, we go now to Richter Hammock Slam up in the QW RP traffic coopter. Richter, do you have eyes on the situation from where you are? I do, Graham, and supplies from the forward operating base to the front lines are secure! The orange slices and capri sun supplies are beginning to dwindle! I realize that I was unclear by not specifying the situation or where you are. Are you looking at what is happening outside town hall? As a man in my position, Graham, it would be irresponsible for me to take my eyes off this situation for even a moment. Richter, I agree with you completely, but that's never stopped you before. And the only thing stopping me now is the chain of command. Uh well well, I can tell you from the h hand signal that Joan is giving me that you are completely c lear to cover this story. Unfortunately, this situation is outside of even her dictatorial grasp. Graham, I report directly to the commanding officer of the Girl Scouts! And why is that, Richter? You see, Graham, in the after-school activity realm, the Girl Scouts can make do under their own power. But now in an actual combat situation , you need ground, sea, and air power, and that's where I come in, running air support for those brave girls on the ground. You mean moral support, right? Oh, absolutely not, Alex. Moral support, while being fine for the civilian, does absolutely nothing for the war effort. I'm engaged in much more concrete activities. Like handing out water bottles, ferrying the tired and knee scraped. I mean wounded, they want me to say wounded and of course running electronic warfare against the enemy. What like just flooding his mentions? I know you can text and fly, even though you definitely shouldn't. Look, Graham, I said close air support. That means three to four feet off the ground. It's a lot harder and you have to use both hands. No, what I've been doing is running the autodialer on the QWRP phone bank to suppress any messages getting in or out of town hall. I will, however, have to stop the assault during the afternoon rush. Jimmy Jam's afternoon jams and the prank patrol need that bandwidth for the all request drive home show. How come you gotta keep the phone lines free for Jimmy Jam's afternoon jams and the prank patrol, but not you know, the show you're on. Have you read the Geneva Convention, Graham? No, and neither have you read, Graham, but thankfully that's not something for me to worry about. That's something I can take to my commanding officer and deal with after the hostilities have ended. She's read it. She's getting a badge in it. Oh, that's a hard badge to get. How would you know, Graham? You've never served! Rich ard, this is possibly the most coherent traffic report we've done, and I don't like it. Well, Grim, there's a fundamental difference between this report and the usual ones I'm giving to the QWRP listeners. With this report, lives hang in the balance! And frankly, during most of our morning drive times, that's not the case! Except for the fourth quarter and the running of the Elesburries! Godspeed to all those who wander forever lost in the culverts back to you, Graham. Well, thank you, Richter. Um well, folks, we're still waiting to hear back from self-styled war correspondent Montgomery Cohn in the me Oh That's Dick Thurpstein. He's using the emergency PA system. Yo, quick, Alex, fling the window open. Do I have to? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were the news. Alright, I'll take that ass kicking . Attesting! One, two, one, two . I can't believe I have to use this. Citizens of Innsberg, you may not be aware, but a paramilitary force is attempting to overthrow your democratically selected government that I won fair and square in the raccoon race. I ask that all citizens of this dismal hamlet band together as a human shield to protect me from these wretches. And if I learn that any of you were respectable for enabling the current assault of my authority, believe you me, I will enact such legislation of dire important consequence that your children and your children's children will feel the crushing grip of my iron fist . Know that I am your son is he gonna finish that sentence? What happened? I think they cut power to the town hall. Uh Waho, okay, well uh we go now to QWRP war correspondent Montgomery Cohn. Wha what's happening, Monty? Hey there sports fans, it's Montgomery Cohn again. I'm broadcasting from inside uh town hall from They've recently cut the power to town hall, but I'm calling you on my cell phone. Figure that's the best way to get through to you. Oh. Wait, there 's somebody running up town square right now. I think it's one of the chaperones. You can tell from a green beret. She's waving about a bunch of sheets of paper. Um, oh, each of the Girl Scouts are checking that paper. They're handed in to the troop leader. Looks like everything's okay, ladies and gentlemen. Those are the parental permission slips the Girl Scouts need to make an official field trip to Town Hall . And there go the battery rams, all right! Oh yeah, got it in one. Oh, you know those girls are gonna earn a batch today. You can tell they've been training in the offseason. Here comes the point guards. Uh they're setting up checking the perimeter, make sure Dick's got no uh tripwires or pungie pits or what have you. Uh they made their way now to the central staircase. Yeah, everyone secured the staircase. They're on a fast break right now. Up towards the hallway. And and you can hear now they're just passing, they're just passing Dasmond Claw and Public Park, moving towards the uh the mayor's office down the hall. Just gonna poke my head up there. Oh, geez, no, don't poke my head out the door there's lots of treadmill and uh general debris kind of kicking up around here. Oh you can hear them attacking the door right now . These girls are looking to be in fine shape today. They're really into their emotions today. That's the most important part about when you get down to any sort of sports activities you're really be into your emotions and their emotion today is uh mostly just fury but also terrifying levels of focus i've never seen uh never seen nine year olds run around with this kind of uh intensity before and uh oh they lay in the breach and charges. Liesad and gentlemen, so I' lumcky to be seeing this. I'm so lucky that you're here with me too. Uh just hang in there. We're gonna get to see history made today . Uh Alex, what do we do? I'm already c alling Edith You've reached the phone of Edith Slump. Edith cannot come to the phone right now because she's shit-faced. Is this Edith's voicemail? No, Graham, it's me. Michael O'Leary. Okay . Don't say sh-faced on the radio. I'm sorry, Graham. I'm a little sh-faced. Michael, one, don't say sh-faced on the radio. And two do you have eyes on what's happening at the town hall ? Oh my god they blew up town hall oh no no no they didn't blow up the town hall I was just inside and having a pee Thanks for answering my phone, Michael . They can't see your thumbs up on the radio, Michael. Is Monty okay? Wha what's going on? Yeah, you guys can see Dick's window from where you were sitting. That's where he was headed. Oh well let's see, I see a lot of smoke. Uh no fire anymore so that's good. Wait no I see something coming out the window it's white. It's gotta go at on it. It's a tug-in-nuts bath towel. Oh, whoa. That means the girl scouts are taken the building. Oh huzza h. Okay, everyone, it's over. We're paying out the beds too to work. Uh Edith Michael, sorry to interrupt. We're getting a call from the mayor's office. Hello, you're live on QWRP. Hey there sports fans, it's me Mongummer Cool. My phone died. Oh, phew, okay. Yeah, after the charges went off, uh old Girl Scouts swarmed to the mayor's office and they all tackled Dick Thurston and uh one of them just flew up in the window just now and uh threw out a bath towel with Tucker Nuts on it is the only thing they had to use as a flag to signal their victory. So wait, Dick Thurston is out of office? Not only out of office, he's already been marched down the stairs. Uh they got 'em tied up in a whole bunch of rope loops, a bunch of different knots I never seen before, and uh they've already got him to the access stairwell and leading them down to the recess bike lanes. You know, these recess bike lanes are getting a lot more use than I thought they would. I agree, Alex, they're quite the engineering marvel. I'm not even sure what we got so upset about in the first place. Sports fans, the war is over, and I'm gonna go over to town hall. I can see Edith and Michael over there, they're celebrating, and I'm gonna get shit faced for the rest of them. Back to you. Okay . I guess ev everything kinda worked out alright there. Inexplicably. Yeah, I wish people hadn't kept saying sh -faced on the air. Alex. Well, even you got to say it. I wanted a turn. I was using Derek's. Is that lights a little open? Huh. Well, listeners, you heard it here first, exclusively on QWRP. Mayor Richard Thurpston out of office in disgrace after uh did we just broadcast a coup? Might have been a hunter, I'll have to check the playbook. Fair enough. Well that uh takes us up to the break. When when we come back, is still being redirected away from the return of third Avenue. Parade organizers are hoping to avoid downtown entirely due to all of everything you just heard. What, miss their chance of being part of history? They are expecting to end up eventually on Burbisher Drive. Aw, that's my commute. Bring the kids whenever they'll probably be there for a week. And farmer Bumper wants everyone to come to the Concours d'Apli ons, happening this weekend at Innsberg Macro Golf Course. Come and see the finest large appliances of Innsbruck and be sure to check out this year's new category just for European pre-war kitchen goods. Ooh, maybe they'll have an aggha cooker. Attendees will also be able to vote for their favorite fridges, stoves, and furnaces, with the winners of the Audience Choice Awards getting a hundred dollar gift card to the stove porium, Innsberg's Home of the Range. It's amazing how good slogan writers can be when they get paid. Please remember not to touch any of the appliances as their owners have spent hundreds of hours prepping them for the show. And finally, Jesus Jewelry would like to remind you that it's never too late to say you're sorry. Till that to Pontius Pilot. Stick around more Quirpline after this. You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Thanks again to our sponsor, Hidden Minima, Forbidden Cinema. The shortest films, the smallest drinks, the tidiest seats. Opening at an undisclosed location in Raster Heights, you'll never find us. Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema. It'd be simpler to find Nineveh .