Traffic Report and Funicular Troubles

You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Quirpline this week is brought to you by the Lenticular Peticular Funicular! This bulbous glass transport will be slowly making its way through our community, but don't worry, you won't be allowed to ride it. The lenticularar paticul funicular! Sometimes it goes perpendicular Good morning Insberg! Welcome to Quirpline, Big G Money here with A-Train. How's it going, Alex? Feelin' smart that I dosed before the show. Oh, I always forget. Tell me next time. I put a reminder in my phone. I try to, but during the show, my phone sits so close to Gus's damn electromagnet the thing shuts off. Yeah, Gus, why do you have that? No, Gus, it doesn't make for warmer sound. Well, regardless, I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful day in Cenigansburg, he is risen. Did they ever figure out who he was? No, he was never seen again. Huh. Yeah. Uh and now the news Innsberg Homeopathic Animal Control Society have announced their plans for this year's raccoon control campaign. Chief Mexico Rogers is quoted as saying, We're in the process of separating the raccoon into its component elements, dander and snarl. Once we dilute them in the correct ratios and reintroduce them to the water system, their essential memory should provide immunity to the entire town. So they're putting tiny bits of rabies into our water supply. That's correct, so no change. And speaking of things that aren't going to work, the cleanup from the disastrous and unfortunately legally binding recent mayoral race continues. And to that end, the town hall has announced that they are increasing the bounty of the Innsberg Middle School Intramural League jerseys. They're now paying out fifteen dollars per intact returned jersey, which makes it higher than the current collector's market price. So if you've been sitting on jerseys for value, now's the time to cash in. Intact they run raccoons. Who the hell has an intact anything once they've touched one of those disgusting finger mammals? I heard Edith has a mostly intact chuzler. Ugh not since Lydia and I broke up again. And now the big story of the day. Graham, you wound me. The second biggest story of the day, we go now to summer intern Derek on location for the maiden voyage of Dick Thurpston's dumb funicular. What the hell is a funicular? It's like a streetcar what goes uphill. Uphill? And this book doesn't have any hills except in Rastor Heights. Cool sies . Yeah. How's it going, Derek? Hi Graham. Hi Alex. It's me, Summer Intern Derek. You're joining me live for His Holiness the Mayor Richard Thurston the Third's dedication of the new Intelsburg municipal government funicular. Uh-huh. Mayor Thurpston was feeling a little impatient, probably due to the sparse attendance. I'm looking around and I 'm only seeing a few seniors who missed this morning's school bus. And so he's already started what the program is calling his dedication polemic. Dang, Derek, that's a good five dollar word. Really? It only cost me 50 cents to buy the program. Our tax dollars at work. Anyhow, uh Derek, can you get a little closer we can't really hear him? Chuckleheads and grumbletoni ans. I am finally living my dream of gliding on rails of iron past your covetous visages. It is with exquisite pleasure that I declare this railway open for me Oh well I I guess that concludes his speech he's walking away from the mic where's that popcorn? Oh it's that in bucket. Gus let it get soggy so we could eat it on air. Oh great. Mayor Thurpston? Your holiness? Ah yes. The Duke of Limbs is here to gangle me once again. Oh need a promotion. I've never been duckled before. Um I'm summer intern Derek from QWRPFM. I know who you are and I wish I didn't. I agree. It's always fun meeting people again for the first time. Mayor Thurston, how do you feel on this momentous Completely glamorous. I always wanted my own boondoggle. Boondoggle implies a project that's going nowhere. This is going between your house and the town hall. Right, you've had your question, I've given you your answer, and now I have a train to ride. Absolutely! I've never ridden a funicular before, I'm really excited. Hmm. Well, keep dreaming. Oh, Mr. Mayor, the door seems to be stuck. Here, let me get it for you. God's bones, what did they feed you? This is so cool. It looks like my grandma's sunroom. That's because it's my son room, which you're trespassing in. This is private property. Get out. Hey, Dick, can you expand on private property? Look, it's perfectly simple. Nobody in Innsbruck supported the train, and so nobody gets to ride. And to that end, the train is part of my home, which is my property, which your correspondent is trespassing on. Don't I have freedom of the press? I'd press you through the emergency hatch if you weren't so freakishly strong. Ooh, I can hear the hiss of the coolants. Sorry, coolants? Yeah, the program said this is a low-speed mag lev train, which means once it gets up to speed, we're gonna have Uh Derek? Oh my god, did Derek just get EMP'd out? I don't know what he had for breakfast this morning. No, EMP, not IBS. Uh well we're gonna try and figure out what's wrong with Derek's phone and hopefully catch up with him later in the show. In the meantime, speaking of your health, it's time for for your health with QWRP's new health correspondent L orna Schlitzwistle. No. Is Joan mad at us? Aw, you think? Uh oh here she is. So, um Lorna. Hello to my new co-workers Grant and Alan, but please no need to stand on ceremony. You may call me Mamma Medicine. Not without an injunction. Thank you, Alan. Now gentle listeners, I am here to be the sunshine guiding ray of health, bringing light and knowledge and healing energy from the dank and underlit QWR It's not usually this dank in here. It's just it's it's popcorn Wednesday. And my first act as Mama Medicine is to bring medicine to you So listeners please call No no no six seven three seven three six eight two five Hello caller number one, you're on the air. Good morning, Ms. Madison. Michael, don't encourage her. I'm just calling to welcome her to the team. Maybe engage in some good natured ribbing and, ask her for some advice. Hell no, you can talk to her later in the break room. Don't worry, Michael. I can tell you all about cleansing your chakras and or colon. It's like you've been reading my mind and my colon. Okay, well now it's time for collar number two, you're on the air. No Hey mama , what's happening? Justice, why I haven't seen you since the equinox ritual What is troubling you? I just haven't been feeling right since I did this enormous lung bus ter. Can you describe your symptoms? Busted lung Oh it sounds as though you have busted lung Oh no Oh yeah Oh god Well Lorna what do you recommend he do? Oh a poultice of lavender, marjoram, and meadow roux and switching to edibles for at least two weeks. I'm way ahead of you, Mamma. Oh right, time for my top-up. Yes, thank you, Mr. Zeth. Now back to Derek who Caller 3, you're on the air. Mama medicine, I got a splitting headache! Oh, happy, that does not surprise me to hear. How do you know these people? Yeah, it's like one of those ratchet straps you used to move lumber with to keep it in the back of your trucks with fall out. It's like it's on my jaw and forehead just clamping down Happy If I may say so, it seems like you might be under a little bit of stress. I recommend some simple jaw stretches three times a day. Jaw exercises? Mother How is that supposed to get me out of a sort of Wow, that's a lot better . Thanks, mama medicine. Check and mate, Grant and Alan. But truly you've helped so many people today. We'll have to have you back as infrequently as possible. Uh-huh. C aller four. What are your problems? I do that, Mama Medicine. Glad to hear they got your job down at the radio station finally. Oh, Gas has been working on it for years. Has he? The universe has finally aligned. Saturn has entered Capricorn. You can't say stuff like that on the air. Now what troubles you, Ball ? Oh no no, Lorna, I'm I'm as fit as a fiddle. I got some new powders in down at my Raymond's Talk Palace, and I want to call in and let you know all about 'em. Oh do go on. Please stop. I've been making a new essence of sandalwood. I got a new sauce from Innsbruck Elementary School and I've been grindin' up all the pencil shavedins from all the pencil sharpeners. It's got nice woody overtones with a hint of eraser . I got a whole new line of wet powders too. I call them personal muds. And to let you list this in a secret, I got new internal muds meant to be used deep inside ya. Oh wow, look at the time. It's time for another caller. Uh there's nobody else in the queue. Well I already hung up on balls, so uh Lorna, help me. I've been waiting for you to ask. Dear God, can you help me with any insight into how the um homeopathic animal control is supposed to work? Oh no, homeopathy isn't real. Oh what? How would dissolving a tiny amount of bee pollen in a bottle of water heal you? But I I thought No no no, Grant, you are misinformed. You need lots and lots of bee pollen, but luckily my Etsy store is here for all of your bee pollen needs. I have tinctures, creams, and bath bombs. Go to www. etsy.com slash garnas crystals today . Hey, I figured out a new way to hang up on someone in person. Awesome. Hey, speaking of hanging up on people, it's time now for traffic. So we go now to Richter Hammock Slam, live in the skies, up in the QWRP traffic wapter. How's it going up there, Richter? That's the sort of question a lycanthrope would ask. Oh, are you perhaps a doppelganger? The insomniac? Alex is really playing up the drunk role with that dosing comment. I wish I was drunk right now. Richter, I'm not, to my knowledge, a werewolf. So how dare you? Well then, Graham, how could you be properly playing the self-aggrandizing game of obnoxious social deduction that is werewolf . I deposited envelopes with your roles in Joan's inbox before I left yesterday. That means you should have completed all of your night activities before sunrise today. Oh, is that what this was? I mean, I kind of like ARGs . You are a werewolf. Do not read this aloud. Well, it would have led with that. There are multiple rules, but given those who showed themselves in the mail server calendar, we had to go with a one-night ultimate variation. During the night phase, according to your assigned role, you would take it in turns to metaphorically awaken and interact with other players or their roles in ways to influence, obfuscate, or otherwise obscure your true identity or intent. You heard me open the envelope on air just now . That's okay . The main interaction takes place during the day phase when all of the players open their eyes and proceed to be suspicious of everyone else. I'm always suspicious of you, Richter. That's a good position to take, Clam , but let's begin the deduction phase. Because you're not aware of your roles, this is going to be tough, but I think I can walk it out. My best guess is that you probably both are Masons, given that you seem so comfortable talking with each other. But given Alex's werewolf reveal, that might not play out. I don't have a read on Michael just yet. I can never tell what Lorna is talking about, so I'm pretty sure that makes her a doppelganger. As for Derek, he barked at me and winked as he left the studio this morning, so he is absolutely one of the werewolves. Derek is definitely the only other person who knows they're playing this game. Okay, at this point, we're going to have to call the vote. On the count of three, say the name of the person you'd like executed. One, two, three, gus. Richter, did you say Gus? I'm sorry, Gus, but you were very quiet during this throw, and that just made me suspicious. Regardless, given that you and Alex weren't aware of your roles, we'll have to wait until I land to figure out if we won or not. Back to you . So do I eat somebody or what? Uh I think you'll have to confer with Derek, and speaking of, let's confer with Derek, who has just now called in from I'm sorry. Where are you at, Derek? We're at the railway crossing on Barker Lane. Why have you stopped then? Well because we're waiting for the train to come by. What train? You're the only train in town. Oh wait, no, I see the confusion. Um , so the mayor thurpston uh really likes railways and so he's been putting railway crossings at different places around town, including here on Barker Lane, uh, because there's someone who lives there he doesn't like. Is that right, Mayor Thurpston? F that guy in particular. Why didn't you just set the municipal funds on fire, Dick Ha ha ha! You have no power here. Go back and argue with Heaston over who sucks more. Anyway, I'm glad that I called you guys back, because now I can continue my interview. Um, Mayor Thurston, do you think that Grammar Alex is one of my fellow werewolves? The amount that I care about your inane prattle cannot be measured by sci entific means. I have given you your precious interview. Now leave me and my glorious train in peace . Out you go . Ha ha! Braun can't beat gravity so long ! Well guys, it looks like I got kicked off the funicular. Um Mayor Thurpson, why aren'ting towards the town hall? The rules of man stipulate that at an uncontrolled railway crossing one must come to a complete halt and wait for a duration of no shorter than two minutes before proceeding. It's like you don't care about trains at all. But there's no other train coming. You just put up a couple of railway crossing signs, but there's no other rails to cross. The rails aren't important, only the rules the rules of rail, which everyone shall abide by. Jeez, this maglev is going off the rails. Really? Oh no! Everyone take cover! It is impossible for a maglev train to go off the rails. They are incredibly safe. I won't have you sully the good name of magneto-electric levitation. I win good day, sir . Well, there you have it, gentle listeners. Insberg's newest boondoggle. A proud edition Derrick, are you knowingly tapping the side of your nose? Yeah, Derek, I think we should kill him. I don't think I want to play this game anymore. You mean I'm not actually a werewolf? I thought this was a doctor's note. No, Derek, don't worry. You're only the vessel for a phantasm. Oh. Okay, bye. That takes us up to the break. When we come back, the Intinsburg Heirloom Vegetable Society is cracking open their doomsday seed vault this weekend, so if you're looking to spice up your salad with a selection of nearly extinct cultivars, come to the cellar out back of the Insberg Aerodrome this Sunday and ask for Julie. Witches helper, Cambur's Folly, Roundlet. Didn't most of these varieties die out because they were bad? Not just bad, also extremely poisonous. Well, you'll know it's the real deal if your tongue goes numb. Speaking of problems, the Innsberg Mobile Homeschool is back on the road because due to an error in a zoning bylaw that was on the election ballot, the roads are now the only places still zoned for education. Tuition is $2.50 one way and $5 for a day pass. Seniors learn for free. Wait, is that high school seniors or actual seniors? Because our sideball stars are supposed to be on a full ride scholarship. Uh stick around, folks, more Quipline after this. You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM! Thanks again to our sponsor, the Lenticular Peticular Funicular! This bulbous glass transport will be slowly making its way through our community, but don't worry, you'll never get to ride it. The lenticular, particular, finicular! The carriage looks quite vermicular.