Healing Through Mindfulness and Connection

The best summer pieces are the ones that you end up wearing on repeat. Somehow they're just ripe for almost every occasion, and that's why I love quQints, because they make elevated essentials using premium materials like European linen, organic cotton, and washable silk, and without the traditional retail markup Quinz is one hundred percent, European linen pants, dresses and tops are the pieces that you're going to reach for all summer long because they're lightweight Effortless to style and they started just thirty two dollars. Their denim is soft and comfortable and their organic cotton sweaters, my favorite, are perfect when layering when evenings are cool. Quince's beautiful fourteen kat gold jewelry adds that subtle finishing touch Simple hoops or delicate chains make even the most effortless outfit feel intentional What's in my cart now? The most beautiful silk washables drawstring pants and I've got a boyfriend crew neck sweater and some ballet flats. Everything at Quin is priced fiftycent to eighty percent less than similar brands. and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're paying for exceptional quality and not brand markup And it's not just apparel, Quince also offers elevated essentials for your home from bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and furniture. Make your summer wardrobe feel easier. Go to quins d. com slash Kate Casey for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty five day returns. and it's now available in Canada too That's QINcE dot com slash Kate Casey for free shipping and three hundred and sixty five day returns Qins d. com slash Kate Casey Welcome back for another episode of Reality Life with KKC, and welcome back for the Saturday series episode. As you know, I began this series telling you a little bit more about my own personal story. and then afterwards I started interviewing people that I knew who I wanted to share their personal story with you And then over time, I've added The personal stories of people that I come across and Just my normal day life or People that I read about magazines or books or sometimes even social media. Today's episode is a story that I came across on a website And I thought the story was so interesting and her background so interesting that I wanted to bring the story to you My guest today is Katie It was a Monday morning in late November when Katie Delamont opened an email that split her life into the before and the after She was thirty eight years old, living in Australia, a Jersey girl who had married an Aussie and built a whole life on the other side of the world Her in laws had given her a DNA kit as a Christmas gift Like most people, it was a joke really. Like let's see how Irish you are. She clicked the results, expecting percentages And what she got was an identity crisis. There was no Eastern European ancestry. none Now the man who had raised her was one hundred percent Polish. She'd grown up proud of that heritage. She'd seen their family name on the Ellis Island Wall of Honor on a fourth grade field trip That story was hers until it was not And then came the match. A name she didn't recognize, but somehow did A man from her mother's past who had hovered at the edges of her childhood They called him the beach guy She'd actually mentioned him in her first memoir, Trust the Flames, describing him as creepy even on page fifty one. never imagining that he was her biological father Now here's where the story gets layered. Both her mother and her biological father had already passed away. Every question she had was buried with them And she started reaching out to the people who were still living. herer siblings, her mother's best friend, her aunts The responses range from genuine shock to a shrug One aunt said casually like she was confirming the weather forecast. Oh yeah I knew him She'd known since Katie was four or five years old Watched her grow up at every Christmas, every birthday every family gathering and said nothing. becausecause it was quote, none of my business Katie is a trauma informed coach, a keynote speaker, and the author of Trust the Flames which hit number six on Amazon's Hot New memoirs list And she's now working on her second book, Les We Inherit. And after you hear this conversation, that title is going to make a lot of sense What I found so striking about her story is the question at the center of it When everyone you love is telling you to stay quiet and the silence has already lasted thirty eight years What exactly is everyone protecting? And what does it cost to finally speak out Here is my interview with Katie Katie it's a pleasure meet you. I feel like we just We bed a couple days ago and here we are, and you were on the other side of the world. I am. I live in Australia now, but I am an American. And tell me where did you grow up? I grew up Good question. Kind of in between places. So I was born and raised in New Jersey and then at eleven years old. My mom left my dad to move to the middle of the woods in West Virginia. So Between the age of like eleven to eighteen, I was traveling All my school holidays from the trailer in West Virginia to my dad's suburbian home in New Jersey Okay. And then I went to West Virgin University. Th I lived in New York, I lived in LA B traveler And wear in New Jersey specifically Beelville. So where they tape all the sopranos right outside of. North Jersey. So like I could see the Empire State Building from my house And what part of you is still very New Jersey? What are you talking about? I mean I don't have anything jersey inside of me except that I love going to the beach. I don't know. There you go. That's something Yeah. And then when you leave New Jersey, what's that like? Did you feel a complete identity crisis? Yeah, well, I was ten years old and it's interesting because I feel almost like privileged that I got to see such extremes in America at such a young age. So where we lived in West Virginia is literally one of the poorest counties in one of the poorest states. People didn't have electricity. I mean, we're talking welfare, like like stight like what you would see on TV is Hillbilly is like a very, very poor county in West Virginia. And I lived in a trailer, like we had free lunch, like That kind of life. but like my dad made decent money. We lived in a big house in New Jersey. So and in New Jersey, I mean, we would hang around people who lived in million dollar homes. theirir parents worked in New York City. I mean, we're talking about the richest areas in the states right outside of New York. So I and this is only an eight hour drive, like we never flew And growing up, you know, you would go to these people's houses in New Jersey who had naids and cleaners and all this stuff And then in West Virginia, these poor people who would never even see a beach in their life because they would never leave Not only West Virginia, the state, but not even the county they live in Yeah very short distance. and like most people don't realize that until they get older and they see it. But growing up seeing that as a kid and then really having, you know N feeling like I belonged, and we'll get into why that feeling was always there Well, what was the excuse for you leaving Oh, well, so my mom left my dad. My mom had been a serial cheater. She was always cheating on my dad. This time when she physically left him, it was actually My dead aunt, her sisters, her dead sister's widower M they left my dad for What were the relationships that stood most for you as a child Oh, my relationship with my mother Absolutely. like that was the biggest. I mean, obviously the relationship with my father, the man who raised me is I had a beautiful relationship too. but also that The one with my mom stood out very distinctly And so what are the dynamics with the siblings as well? Like what are the ages There is the eldest born in nineteen seventy eight My The second born but he was adopted. So my mom's sister was murdered when she was young. and so my mom adopted her son because my grandmother had nine children, was living on welfare. and so she couldn't afford to adopt a new baby So a mom adopted him in nineteen eighty two. And then my brother, Eric was born in nineteen eighty four. I'm nineteen eighty six And then my younger sister was a surprise in nineteen ninety one. So there's like a thirteen or fourteen age gap between the eldest and the youngest. Yeah Three of those children are to the man who raised me, twowo of them are not. And one of those, my brother, I found out when I was ten, eleven years old by putting things together that he wasn't our you biological brother . When I was thirty eight, I found out that the man who raised me is not my biological father. and so This has been a little journey of mine since So what is the ancestral background and And add to that, what is the cultural makeup of your family of origin Yeah, so we didn't talk about it a lot, but I mean, if I could just sum it up really short Irish Catholic didn't believe in abortion You know, my grandmother had nine kids to three different men And we just found out that One of my aunts thought This guy was her dad, but it's actually this other guy and my grandmother died with that secret inside too. So my mom literally did generational trauma, what my grandmother did And my dad, the man who raised me, the beautiful man. he's one hundred percent Polish. He grew up in a household where You you know you work really hard and you just get on with it. You marry once and that's it. He also was raised Catholic as well Um so I think, you know As much as my family is not religious, we didn't really go to church often. but It's still that Catholic like fear of God Fresh like growing up in that, I think had a lot to do with it. My biological father is a mix of things, which I found out through ancestry. com. but he's mostly English and Irish and French Canadian, but he I don't know too much of his background, but I believe he was in the military U And he was an alcoholic. He liked to drink So there was definitely trauma there, but I'm not sure what it was U Yeah, and my mom's dad was a function was not functional. He didn't ever have a job. He was an alcoholic. and I don't want to use the word abusive, but I don't think that it was a good situation to be in because my grandmother left him He was living in West Virginia. That's how we ended up there years later He was living in West Virginia because he got diagnosed with emphysema And the doctor was like, you got to get out of Jersey because the air is not clean. So he moved to West Virginia with in his mother's like shack with no running water or whatever My grandmother moved down there with six kids or something under the age of like, I don't know, twelve or thirteen And because it was not going well, she left in the middle of the night with six kids. And I don my mom didn't see her dad for at least ten years after that If that just paints a picture of a lot of trauma, my uncles' just alcoholics My aunt, my mom's sister, I think she was mixed up into drugs or something, but she was murdered at twenty one or twenty two, very young And the man who murdered her only got five years in jail How was she murdered? Do you know any of those details? You was shot in the face. So it was a friend who did it as well. So a friend came home and it was the brother of the friend as well So she was visiting a friend and the brother came home and shot his own brother and her and then apparently jumped out the window and claimed insanity. I don't know. probably could be a net series And what was her name Her name is Kathy KA T H Y and I'm named after her. So my name is Lynn K A T H L Y N And that was also a secret that nobody talked about. So nobody talked about this ant They said that my grandmother had nine kids, but when we did all the math we're like, okay, you know, uncle aunt ant, whyy is there only eight But nobody ever talked about it. And so my brother Bobby, who is adopted He found a newspaper cliffing on his own when he was around fourteen or fifteen, and he approached my mom and she was like, well, now you know Their whole reasoning was like, well, we just we planned on not telling anybody. and if you found out, you found out You know that feeling when you go to someone's home and you think, I want to live like this? Well here's the good news. you can too Your space should feel like you, and if it doesn't yet, that's probably not a taste problem. It's a budget problem. and Wayfair fixes that This past year, we've been adding in touches to make us feel like our family and dining room feel like we're in a beach cottage It went from chaos to coastal serene And Wayfare made this transition complete with gorgeous pillows, frames, and vases The delivery was in no time, and we found perfect pieces that elevated our space, and the kids actually feel like sitting and relaxing with us too The best part I feel so good about the price points. I've been telling everybody about it since You can shop with Wayfare Verified, your shortcut to the good stuff Their team of product specialists that's everything by hand using a ten point inspection testing things like quality of materials. functionality and features, and even how long it takes to build seating, grills, appliances, storage, rugs, decor One place, everything you need, no bouncing between stores. And with over twenty million five star reviews, you're not buying blind. See real customers, real homes, real feedback before anything hits your card Ready to upgrade your home for way less Head to wayfair. com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less That's wAY fA I R. com Wayfair, every style, every home Have you ever noticed that your sheets slip off the corners? orr maybe your pillows just don't feel supportive anymore? Most people actually keep their bedding way longer than they think they should. It slowly wears down And then you don't realize how much it's affecting your sleep until you finally replace it And the truth is most people think that they need a new mattress, but the biggest difference usually comes from replacing what touches you every single night That's why we upgraded our bed with Bowen brranch. They make everything your bed needs. their signature organic cotton sheets. pillows, blankets and comforters that are all designed to be breathable, incredibly soft, and get better over time Most people start with the signature sheets and a lot of customers buy two sets so they can rotate them You can also add the waffle blanket and now the whole bed just feels amazing The moment you get into bed, you notice the difference. To know me is to know this, I want everybody in my home to look like it belongs in a five star hotel crisp white soft sheets, waffle blankets, down comforters My niece always tells me the beds are the best part of my house We upgraded our bed with bowl and branch and gone are the sheep pilling, corners slipping off and the worst, the worst, the pillows flattening. Now it feels like you're slipping into a cloud at the end of a long day, and I actually think the sheets get softer with each wash Don't all of you deserve the most comfortable place to sleep? I mean, you do spend half your life there Sleep cooler this summer with Bowolen Branch during their annual summer event. For a limited time, get twenty percent off sitewide at bowolandbranch dot com slash Kate Casey with code Kate Casey That's Bowl N brranch B O L L A N D branch d. com slash Kate Casey Kate Casey to take twenty percent off Bowenbranch d. com slash kakecasey code Kate Casey. Eclusions apply I have a similar family of origin, and especially in the Northeast, I think too, is just If you can't fix the problem, why even address it? That was sort of sort of the modus operandi. and also Irish people are just sort of like Everything sucks. You keep your chin up and you keep working It's like this collective reasoning So it would make sense to me then, especially at that time in America And under the circumstances, the financial pressures, et cetera, that they would just choose to not even address that this very young, vibrant woman was a part of their life And the fact that she had a son, and they kept from him any of the details in their warped reasoning at the time was it was better. It was in his best interest What do you know of the experience of learning this is what a fourteen year old boy and his own identity crisis after that realization Yeah. well I mean, absolutely you're spot on. I know that everybody's intention was protection and this is for the best of their own understanding. And you know you can call it avoidant, you can call it what you want, but that's what they believe to be true. And for him, I know He always struggled with, you know, identity. I don't want to tell his story, but He ended up going to military school And I know like in high school he got brought home by the cops. and you know, he did struggle a bit Like it also has made him one of the most passionate, empathetic humans I've ever met. He's suchuch a beautiful person. He constantly wants to give And he loves family, He loves people U So, you know, I'm a big believer that, you know, nothing is accidental, nothing is happening for a bad reason. like It will shape you and it always is for the best in some way, I believe that. but You know, as much as it has probably hurt him in many ways and shaped his identity and has caused him a lot of confusion and maybe pain I think it also has made him such an incredibly deeper human and kinder passionate in ways that You probably take longer to get to if you haven't experienced something like that, but yeah, it's It's yeah, it's an interesting Be I've worked with a lot of people who have been adopted as well and there is this For the most part, it's this abandonment issue, right which I think every human has on some level. Nobody wants to be abandoned, but When you are adopted, I believe that even Babies and even in the womb, like we feel things, we know things. Things are somatic. They're not just in the head And so yeah, I can definitely see how it affected him So once you have this realization of your ar and then Let's fast forward. You're thirty eight years old. You decided to do a twenty three MME test. Many people do it And so often what we receive on the other end is not what we had anticipated. So What did you take the test thinking that you would see and what actually happened Yeah, so I really took it honestly, me and my husband. It was ancestry. com my mother in law was like, Hey, what would you like for Christmas? And I was like, I've always wanted to do ancestry. Yeah, I could buy it myself, but hey, here's an excuse So we did it as a Christmas gift for my in laws That was legit it. And I know there's I think there's a series called The Gift of people giving gifts and finding these things out And so I did it very innocently, very not thinking that I would find this out, although looking back There were times when I knew and I shoved it down. So we'll get into that. But I took it. I opened up the results on a few weeks before Christmas. And the first thing that stood out was that I had no Eastern European. So the man who raised me is one hundred percent Polish So but I had one percent Jewish. So it lit up that part of the map, like the Poland area. So I was like, o, maybe my dad's family lied to him, but I'm like, he's one hundred percent There a hundred And so I'm like,, okay, let me go to direct matches. And so when I went to direct matches, I the first direct match It goes in order of like the most DNA shared. Yeah. So the most DNA shared that I had matching to me was somebody I didn't know And it was a name and I use a fake name for my book and everything. Jerry Badeau. And I saw the first name Jerry, and I was like, the man my mom is having an affair with when I was little, who I wrote about in my book His name is Jerry This paper is saying that this guy is my half brother This is his son Obviously, this means one thing. I already knew it was his son, but I didn't know his last name. so I immediately called my brother Bobby who knows everything and everybody. She's the adopted one And I didn't even say hello. I just said And it was probably like one in the morning in America because it was like six in the morning here. Anyways I was like, Bob, what was Phil's last name? and he said Badau. You know, again, fake name and I was like, he's my dad and And he was like, I fucking knew it And I was like, Yeah, I know you knew it because you He said that. Yeah, because he told me when I was eighteen So when I was eighteen, he came into my room and I think he waited I know he waited til I was eighteen because he thought maybe okay, she's an adult now He goes, Kate, this is right after high school graduation. He goes, Kate, I don't think dady's your dad. I think it's Jerry. And I was like, I could have went into the other room where my mom was, but I didn't I just started crying and I said, no way, I have my dad's blue eyes because I'm the only one with blue eyes, the man who raised me has blue eyes. I'm Polish, likeike look at me, blah blah, blah I just refused, but I knew in my body. I was like This is true, but I can't face it. And so my brother, he saw how upset I got He never mentioned it again He never said anything to anybody. Anybody That was twenty years ago And It also came up a few years ago when I was in the silent meditation retreat. memory of my brother telling me and me thinking, well, it could be true, but we're just going to shove that down again because we just don't want to go there And when told when I finally told the man who raised me, I flew all the way over to America to have a conversation He goes Well, he knew because he knew what was going on with my mom. and somebody wrote him a letter when I was little saying, Katie is not your daughter, your wife's been falling around He kept that letter for years It was a typed anonymous letter in like the late eighties, early nineties. Who do you think Wh who do you think did that We've been trying to think that and I was like, did my biological father do it to like out himself? L I don't know. And my dad was like, no He was like the way it was written, it sounded very feminine. L somebody who wrote it was a female And he thinks it was my My biological father's son, so my half brother who I matched with his son because his wife his ex wife. they don't talk anymore. and I've asked him and he said, I don't know if it was her, I don't talk to her But they think it was her because she was kind of, you know, a little bit all over the shop and She had come over to the house before to talk to my dad about things And so we're pretty sure it was her What about your mom? Do you think she would have done that? I thought, no, no, she died with this. L she took this to her grave. I even had a psychic reading after I found out and did my mom came Well, my mom has come through in other psychic ratings and she's said really beautiful things. She's always been very supportive She's she has said things that like were spot on that I knew it was my mom. Anyways, The psychic brought her through and my mom said that I shouldn't tell my dad that she didn't know until I was like ten to seventeen years old later on in life. Don't tell my father, this is going to be horrible for his health alsoso my biological father's past. So the man who raised me is who I'm talking about here And he's my dad And she said she didn't want me to tell him. I've spoken to other psychics and mediums and they said Just because somebody's on the other side doesn't mean they've done all their healing My mom knew My mom knew from conception She knew the entire birth She knew my entire life She knew So did my biological father? hundred percent, that's confirmed. She did not want anybody to know. Clearly, even on the other side, that shows you where she was at in her healing process She still wasn't ready to give it up Well also, she's not even willing to tell your brother that he's not her son Yeah. So if you think that She wanted no, she did not want to tell anybody. This was not her written letter. This was somebody who was close enough who knew. And another reason why we think it was her is because My brother who told me, remembers when we were little us going over Jerry's house And Jerry's eighteen years older than my mom, so I'm the same age as his granddaughter Okay Okay, so my half brother is or at least twenty five years older than me Yeah, so that gives you context and My brother remembers My half brother's wife, the one who we think wrote the letter, saying out loud, Oh. Katie and Let's call her Sara the granddaughter of my biological father, they look like they could be sisters And then when that was said, it was everyone looking darting their eyes, Oh my gosh. I it was probably it was probably just brushed off. And when I had a conversation with my half brother, who's my biological father's son, I said, did he ever say anything like on his deathbed? L did he ever randomly mention it? He was like, well He never said anything that I remembered, but now that you say it, he was like when your mother was pregnant with you because I remember your mother and I remember you, he was like twenty five years old. when I was born, he goes My father did say Carol was having my baby, but he was an alcoholic a drunk, so he just thought he was, you know, shooting the shit It didn't take serious Do it? Does it make it any better that they passed away in that there isn't this opportunity to have this conversation or does it make it more difficult For me, I'm such a believer that everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to be. And maybe that's my delusion, my spiritual woo side of, you know, but I really honestly believe that I know my mom was trying to protect me because honestly, I was not emotionally mature at eighteen years old or even younger. I would have been I was already a functional alcoholic in my twenties and you know, living a hedonestic life. I was addicted to things that self soothing in ways that were not healthy. And if I would have found this out earlier on, who knows what I would have done. And I know that she grew up with an alcoholic father. She probably didn't want that for me And she probably didn't want to see the man who raised me. He was a beautiful, beautiful, loving man to be hurt if I wanted to have a relationship with my you know, like I understand why she did what she did But You know, there's so many questions I do wish I could to them about. It makes it easier in a way, but it also is kind of annoying and frustrating in another way. But I think The louder voices, this wasn't the way like this was the way it was supposed to happen. If it was supposed to happen any other way, it would have. I had the opportunity when I was eighteen For ten years almost and from eighteen to twenty six, I think she passed when I was, she was alive almost ten years I had the opportunity So I could be upset with myself, right? but I'm not. I know that my body again was protecting itself Yes. I do think we often have little things that pop up. I do feel like there is a way in which we protect ourselves. from experiences that we know we're not ready to go through Yeah Yeah. And my dad also said when I was little he can't remember the age, but maybe five to eight. I would say I was old, like probably closer to eight because My little sister is about four years younger than me. and I remember looking at the photos of my eldest sister and younger sister, thirteen years apart. They look like identical twins Brown hair, brown eyes, same teeth, same build. They love the same things. like there's it's actually quite freaky. And I asked my dad, I said, why don't I look like my sisters And he kind of laughed and he goes, why don't you go ask your mother? She's smarter than me And my mother hears it from the kitchen and she goes, What the fuck's that supposed to mean? And then we all just went silent. Right And that was my nervous system saying, this conversation, even though you know what's going on, Katie, is not safe And so when it came up at eighteen, it was like, this isn't safe Even when it came up at thirty three, which I had done so much healing, It wasn't safe still. How did you get to Australia Yeah, so that's actually a story in itself. That could be a wholenother podcast. So I visited Australia in college, fell in love, came back for my working holiday, fell in love with an Australian, well, who's English Australian. and moved back to America and was living in New York and my mom was diagnosed with cancer This guy ended up cheating on me, but I was still convinced he was my soulmate. We would keep in touch on email Fast forward six years later, he emails me saying him and his fiance are broken up, the girl he cheated on me with He was wanting to maybe reconnect. He was going to Burning Man. I was like, I'm coming with you. like I'm buying a ticket. We went to Burning Man and I ended up falling in love with his friend who was at Burning Man as well, who I'd never met before Anyways, it was clear that me and this guy were not meant to be. And me and the other guy my beautiful husband, Kenny We married four months later in Vegas and then was ten and a half years ago. Wow. And what did he think of this relationship with Kenny Well, they obviously are no longer friends. And we did keep it hidden from most of the world. It's not like we put it on social media or the only people who knew were the people closest to us, like you know, a handful of people. But I moved to Australia six months after that. And I'd never lived with a partner before. like was my first serious relationship and you know, I regret nothing. like It was the best decision. I've always felt very calm and very like steady and focused about it. There was never a doubt in my mind if we should or shouldn't. And U you know, obviously it makes things with visas a little bit smoother, but we, you know, it was always genuine. It was always for the right reasons and like I'm proud the marriage I've built from not having being modeled a healthy marriage or relationship growing up. So I think because I grew up with a lot of dysfunction, it is like My number one thing to have a healthy relationship in a marriage. likeike I don't care if we are you know camping because we can't afford. Like I'm way more about emotional stability than financial stability So many people will listen to this and they think I have come from a similar And they want to change things and they want to make a better life and created a family environment that's safe. All the things that they didn't have growing up How do you do him