Final Podcast Outro and Credits

Hello monkey fiddlers, it's me, Richard Herring. Thank you for downloading my podcast. Please keep listening if you can. Uh the big news is uh twentieth of April, Leicester Square Theatre, one of the guests has been announced. It's Natasha Hodgson , one of the geniuses behind and in front of Operation Mince Meat the musical. Sorry, my cat's running around the kitchen making a ringing sound. Hope that's not disturbing you. Once the operation mince meat f ans hear about this it's gonna sell fast so get your tickets now go to richcharing.com slash rahullastapa and you can see all the dates there's a couple in July as well. I'm doing uh which Rick Mail Festival as well, but that is sold out. Um become a badger at GoFoster Stripe.com slash badges if you want to help us continue to make these bloody things. Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy another episode of one of my podcast s, you little fiddly monkey fiddler. Stop ringing those bells! I'm the king of cock city ! I'm BBCI player. There's only one way to get rich around here. Yes, boy, I like it. Become proper gangsters. Why are you just gonna say get jobs? The boys are back. We're uh looking to expand the organization. We are we're forming a bit of a gang. What's going on here? The new series of the young offenders. I'm gonna be a bad pie forever. Watch on BBCI Player . It's the most wonderful time of the year. On the beach, on the beach, on the beach. Booking hero ! It's time to swap your beanie for a bikini and get out of blighty. On the beach have got you covered with tons of last-minute deals on sunny destinations. Stop booking around and search at on the beach.co.uk for last-minute beach and city breaks. Abturn at all protected . On the beach On SBC2 now it's the tragic roundabout in which Dylan, Dougal and Zebedee have all been decapitated and Florence and uh the snail, whatever he was called, have to plan the funeral. Make these up yourself if you like. Now on SPC one it's Richard Ali's Craven News Ro und. So now we can hear us because we're whispering. Okay, so I'm gonna be picked up like the noise now picked up Hello and welcome to Richinari's Craven Newsround. Today it's Monday, March the thirtieth, I wanna say. You sure? I think so. I think it's April Fool's Day on Wednesday. Watch out for that. We might have some fun for you on that day. Don't tell them . Probably won't. Uh and uh I'm Richard Herring. Uh you probably saw me on TV last night, proper TV, so might talk about that. Uh this is Ali were you on TV last night? No, I was a disappointed you didn't have anything to knee in it. You didn't want to make a cake or a biscuit in the shape of the knee. No. Thought you were I was your favourite childhood toy. Uh I wouldn't say I don't see you as a toy, Ali , I see you as a my best and only friend. Well that's true. You know what, Rich? I'm hold on Chicky me I'm slowly winking at it. Don't put your eggs in the basket, misses Henderson your eggs will get cracked. Eh take it down the pub then you'll okay. Can't always be a winner, can't no I just forgot that people will see a yoke and they'll think that it's a joke and then they won't let you come back. Oh don't let's not do that anymore. No, people love the music or something shit. Do they? Okay, well look, uh this isn't a news story, but I just thought I'd start with this. Um I was on Bake Off Stand Up to Council last night. It's not a big deal. Um Mainstream TV head pro if you go to channel four um the web page the four O D, it's the first picture. Um you know it's what they want you watch. I'm not saying I'm back in the big time, but I will just say um I'm expecting the phone to start ringing off the hook. This is the last news round I'm gonna be doing 'cause I'll be on proper telly, which is all I ever fucking did this for, and you scum can all go fuck yourselves. I've just used you to get what I wanted and I've got it and I won't be here tomorrow because bang back in the big time baby Dick in the big time the losers don't do my daughter's material. Back in the dig time the losers what? Dakin' the dig down the dudes, don't take the Nicky out of thee. I knee you're only here 'cause of thee. No, I'm not taking you with me, it's just gonna be me, Jojo Siwa. Is that how you pronounce it? I think so. Me and her we're gonna go and do um like a travelogue where we I mean it'd be awkward for her it'd be awkward for her, she d I think when I she saw me in the tent she thought it was just a weird old man who'd wandered in from Elstree . But then she had to work. She's a very nice I wanted Jojo to win. I thought she was the best, but unfortunately she messed up spoiler alert, she messed up her first one. I didn't I didn't want Molly May to win. You're gonna sag her off. I wasn't gonna very nice lady. She's um heavily pregnant again now. She's very happy in her life, sorted her life out. Uh she wanted a bit too much, unlike you and Tastmaster, unlike me and Tarsman. I thought could take it or leave it in Mastermind, I didn't care whether I won or lost. Molly May just seemed a little bit too keen to win, that's all. And when Babatundi got a handshake, she was a little bit rude, I think, about Babatundi's headshake handshake, even though uh I would say if you watch it though, I didn't get a handshake, I didn't want a handshake. I wanted a handjob. Did somebody say Vabatundi? You don't that's uh you could have done hand job. And it wouldn't have been a double entendre. Um I what there's a bit where I make Paul uh Hollywood open a pedal bin for me. Don't think anyone's done that before and that is better than uh than a Hollywood hand shandy, whatever you want to do. I'm very happy. Anyway, so I'm just saying don't bother tuning in tomorrow . I won't be here. I'll be off with my friends, Babatundi, Jojo , less so Molly May, though she's from Hitchen as well, so I like her. Uh, we'll be off uh partying with all the other people who've done Brit great British Breakoff as well. So look out for us there. That's all I'm saying. Thanks for your thanks for your time. I used you and you fell for my tricks. And now I'm back on the big time, back on TV, where I belong. It's all I ever did any uh d podcast for and it's only taken me eighteen years and I'm black. Is there any more work in the tight line? Yeah loads of work coming in. Do you think the sun is trying to tell you something here at the sun again shining down? We haven't got full lights on. But you may have seen on the grown up news um that oh God it was working before. You may have seen on the grown up news that scientists have found a surprising male G spot in the most detailed study of the penis yet. You would think scientists had done all the studying of the penis that there was to do, wouldn't you? You would think that. But they found a surprising new G spot on the penis, yeah. I mean scientists they work um they examine the penis in the laboratories all day. They do. They examine their own penis when they get home, they do, or each other's penises. Some of them will examine each other's penises for sure. Um have they discovered has it taken them all the human history to find this surprising new male G spot? It's a surprise. No men will have found this G Spot and if they find it, ladies, little trick tip tip for you if you like men. It is a little tip as well. It is a little tip. Little tip for you. This will drive your man wild if the if and it'll be a secret. They won't they won't know about this spot 'cause it's a secret G spot. Is it? Yeah. If you've been circumcised, I hope they did it carefully because it can often get that the nerve engines can get damaged and it's fit okay. Um it's not that big of a secret. I think anyone who's had a penis or any long term uh reference to one is uh uh it's the it's the like little a bit that connects the it's the banjo string basically is it yeah what is the top is there's a little triangle it's like a clitoris I suppose a clitoris yeah I'm being American for the American market um it's just at the top of the penis there if you haven't been circumcised it should be fine. I would say the male G spot is the old uh taint. Get down on the taint, girls, or men. Or men to women, 'cause they've got a taint as well. Get down there, that's the sensitive bit of the penis, is it? Yeah. Not even the the part of penis. Well it is something you know, the penis sort of goes underground as well, doesn't it? It might be down there a bit. Keep on going down, that's what I say, girls. Bit further, keep going . Yeah, that's it, right round there. And then you'll be fine and that's the best bit for me. But yeah, it's the old there there's the new scientists have just discovered that if you lick at the bit at the top of the penis, then that's quite nice. Yeah. But to be honest, you know, if you lick any bit of the penis or anything in that basic area, you're on for a winner with guys. It's t it's tougher the other ways, it's tougher for guys to do the in for all women to do and it's not as bad for women because they've got an idea, but if you with women, you can't just lick everything and hope for the best. You've got to work out where you're going. It's much more complicated. Uh, for men, just you know , if in doubt, lickything anything an that looms towards you, give it a lick. And I think most men are gonna be happy with that. With women gonna be a bit more a bit more you know targeted and a bit more determined. Is this for children this show? Yeah, well look, it's useful for children to know. I think you should only teach children of the heterosexual sex. Alright, well that I agree with that actually. I don't I think, you know, it's inappropriate to teach children about homosexual sex. So when I said w women and women and men and men ignore that, what is appropriate is for me to say to children if it's lick men's cocks uh when you're a grown up or or when you their asses or their taints uh that are like that if you're a woman and if you're a man and you know best of luck finding out what you're gonna do that and there. I don't know. But uh wait till you're an ad ult and then get into it. But not if you're a woman or a woman and a man or a man 'cause I don't agree with that. Is that right? Is that what the kids are saying? I don't know if that's what the kids are saying. If you um although I think whatever you think about the whatever's the right thing to think, I think that. In a way, Rich, aren't we just to point out to people who are stupid, yeah, aren't we satirizing the fact that people say you shouldn't talk of that? What do we gonna explain the satellite. We're gonna do Stuart Lee on this. He's nice. They the Canadian. 'Cause some people they need all the jokes explained to them, Rich, okay, 'cause otherwise they get upset. So if you just really explain your joke over the top, you're really explaining this joke, yeah, then that will help. And what we're saying is it's ridiculous to say you shouldn't teach kids about one sort of sexuality and you should only teach them another sexuality. It should either be nothing, all or nothing. That's what I say. It's true. That is, I mean I think that it was our satirical point there. I think it's come off to you looking extremely homophobic. Well if that's the case that's the opposite of what you want to do. If anything I was being heterophobic. Well that's just as n't it. I guess any kind of phobia against people for no reas on is bad. Yeah. But anyway, ha good luck finding that male G spot, ladies, or gay men. Or if you're just sucking your own cock. I don't think it's e will it be easy to get that. I'm just trying to think of the mechanics , it's on that side. Comes in . Yeah, I think this I think it comes in at the right side, so that's good I think. It's been a lot it's been a long time since you took Can you suck your own cock? No,, no no , that's too straight. Yeah, that's my problem. Uh anyway, though that's not the main news story we're gonna cover today. Here comes the main news today. Uh you may have seen on the grown up news uh if you were busy to not find looking for male G Sport. JD Vance says aliens are demons and details obsession with UFOs. JD Vance, who you may know is the Vice President of the United States of America. Which uh, you know , in some ways it's an astonishing fact, isn't it? In some ways it's sort of unbelievable. Uh the war in Iran's going on and uh everything's going to shit, but uh luckily he's got time to go on the Benny Show podcast and he promised he would spend his time looking into what he calls his obsession with UFOs and extraterrestrials . The Benny, Benny Johnson I think is the guy who runs this show, he calls his show the place for cutting behind the scenes insight into the global conflict for freedom. That's what this show is about. Yeah, this is very much in it. It's sort of it's against the lame stream media. I'm sure the Benny show is just the same. Um you wondered if Vance who's been no so we quite but Donald Trump's war in the Middle East that he said is to that he said to oppose had yet looked at any files but unidentified flying objects, uh known these days as unid unidentified anomalous phenomena, UWAPAs, which the president has promised to release. I actually haven't, Vance replied, mustering significantly more enthusiasm than the previous question about Iran. I've not been able to spend enough time on this, but I'm going to, trust me, I'm obsessed with it. The God fearing vice president'sx fiation, and if he's God fearing, then God help the rest of us. Uh it was further revealed, extended the question of the existence of explanatory beings and where they might fit into the wider conversation about religion. I don't think they're aliens, says JD Vance. I think they're demons anyway, but that's a longer discussion. I mean this is great news, isn't it, if any aliens are out there trying to make contact with us and the second most powerful man in the world goes, Oh I think uh aliens are demons. So if we see any, blow em up before you see 'em. And if he is a god fearing man, then you're going off on one I'm going off on one again. Then like if he thinks that aliens are demons, then what are angels? I mean angels are extraterrestrial as well. So are they demons or are they good? You know, just be careful, JD Vance. You're gonna blow up all the aliens because they're demons, and then maybe they'll be good. How do you tell the difference between a good alien and a bad alien? Uh I think that he says, I think that celestial beings who fly around who do weird things to people, I think that desire to describe everything celestial, everything is otherworldly, to describe it as aliens, every great world religion, including Christianity, has understood there are weird things out there. There certainly are there's uh JD Vance J,D Vance's out there. Naturally uh I go when I hear about sort of extra natural phenomena, that's where I go is the Christian understanding. There's a lot of good out there, there's also some evil out there. He says I think one of the devil's great tricks is to convince people he never existed. Yeah, and you know how he knows that? I don't know, 'cause the devil told him when he was uh in the meeting within in the Oval Office. You thought, oh yeah, I went there and winking at it sit on it . Sit on it thar if you like nice attire. Is that the new thing? Is that neat sit on it tharder if you like nice satire ? I could go farther but I can't think of anything to wrong with satire of wearing a hat I don't like to go too far but if I'm with you Baba , then the satire comes and so do I, so sit on it, Barbara . Why hi. Okay, not not very good. The songs aren't good today. Sometimes it's just you know not very influence. I thought you were inspired. I thought you were making these up as you go along. I I know I I thought you were I'm not I know I thought you were quoting musical songs. They're all musical songs. So you think that Vance knows the devil's greatest trick is to convince people he never existed because he works for he works for the none in the government he's he's Donald Trump I can be on Saturday night live you might have to be on Saturday night live because I'm not doing this anymore. Let me on Saturday night live I just want to be on Saturday night live UK I can I don't need this those are I can do it alone. I've got catch raises coming up my azoo. That's a new one. I got sing traces, I got poop coming out there. I can do songs. Yeah . Anyway, it's gonna get to the bottom of it. But I'm not sure, you know, I'm just thinking if aliens are watching us, like, look, the chances that they the aliens have turned up just in this point of history when there's been millions of years of dinosaurs . If they're observing us from a space telescope, they'll see Romans and stuff. They have no idea how far we've got unless they just happen to be flying by right now. Or unless they are di they could be demons. They could be demons. Let's not let's not let's listen to JD Vance. He's I'm sure he has a lot of good things to say. Anyway, um if you want to get JD Vance excited, underside of the penis, find that little flap of triangle of skin, give it a lick, yeah, or just I think you'd like it anywhere, anything you can lick around there. Uh if you're an alien, maybe try that because uh otherwise you're gonna be blown up. We are living in a shit show, my friends. We certainly are. I'm glad that this is the last ever news round. Don't even look for me aga in because I won't be coming back. I'm just waiting for the phone, it hasn't started ringing yet. But it that's just probably because so many people are trying to get through at once to say, Rich, come on. We saw you on bake off, come on on uh our proper TV shows uh don't bring the puffet they won't say that and uh we don't think you got mad we think you're doing a great job online thanks for everything you've done thanks for all the way you've shaped comedy over the years and had no thanks for it. it It's time for you to get all the awards in the world and you can leave your wife and we've got all drugs and girls, everything lined up. It's gonna be great. Is that what you think is gonna happen? That's what I'm thinking's gonna happen. Just there's probably too many people trying to ring at once stopping the phone ringing. Just did a bing, didn't it? Did that was just a substack thing coming up from someone else. Could the Rich could the house was social media light talking without you? Didn't really s see I don't think really no one's a re mention that I was on. Do you think it was 'cause you were shit. I wasn't sh do you see your snooker void ? Got me one m versus me two snooker mentioned then did you see your snooker void Rich? It was very embarrassing. I was embarrassed. Looked like it was covered in jizz. Well that's what happens when Paul Hollywood really likes what you've done. Anyway, it's time to go. Thank you for listening. Turn off the microphones, Terry. All right. Okay . See you next time. Uh no, I won't because that's it. That's the end . On SPC two now, Lark Voorhees falls out of a window and grabs on to Dustin Diamond's penis. That's saved by the bell end . Is that the best you can do? You're not in this bit. On SBC one now. It's Rich and Allie's craven News Round . Shit, uh were you generally called out there? No, of course not. I'm just we're just through. Right. I've literally just written Tuesday the thirty-first of March on there. We should be alright. I'm just making my notes. Um yeah . Lark Vohees . Um do you remember Lark Vohees? Yeah, I do save by the Vale, Rich, good reference there. Hello, welcome to Rich and Allie's uh Craven News Round. I should have said it's Tuesday the thirty first of March twenty twenty six. Uh we've got all the big news for you that the lame stream media can't get hold of plus a musical song. No, we're not doing that every day. That's not this it's not eventually it'll just be the musical song. Wait, we're not doing a musical song. Oh yeah, we're I'm we're doing the serious news programme. I don't want you interrupting it with a musical song. I'm linking at it, you're not Ah iki knee then and now I'm linking at I'm Ali Sloper, uh sit on it , etc. Don't put your hands in a basket. Don't start singing, I won't do. I'm Richard Herring . Um I di I thought you said you weren't coming back anymore. Well look, this is good news, okay? I haven't the phone hasn't started ringing yet, but that is because everyone's seen me on the TV, yeah. Nobody's seen it. Everybody's seen it. Everyone's talking about it. The big fish of the entertainment industry are circling around me. That's not what you want, is it? Their reputation. No, I guess it's not what you want but they're so they're gonna get covered in some kind of vatter. Well done for saying batter so clearly, that's all right. Um and the fact they're not saying anything at all is actually the best thing could happen to 'cause then then no one wants to make the first move. So actually not hearing anything is the best thing that could possibly happen. So I thought just for one more day I'd come back and and do do the podcast, partly because of what the big news story is today. Yeah, the big news story Rich you you know what that is, yeah, I do uh but Little Tommy Trindle was looking out the window as my old man's dusk cuddled eye He opened up the lines and what did he f ind? I don't know what did he find He only bleeding found out that he could bloom and well fly. He could bloom well fly, yeah. He flew over the dust cart, saying oh I got a weak heart my dad said Oy Tommy come back here Tommy kept lying up and ever so high and till he reached the sun and then he got burnt up he was a Icarus He's a Dickers Icarus What's this? He make you icus Icarus not very good at flying around I mean it's better than yesterday's one and then his wings all got burnt up and he fell to the ground. Poor old Tommy Icarus. I thought it was Tommy Trinda, yeah it was. That's a real musical song. Look it up. Can you sing it again? Yeah, definitely. You know all the words, yeah I can know the words. You don't need to trust any on that. Anyway, um I'm back to expose the lame stream media for the rubbish it is. Uh you may have seen on the grown ups news the main story today uh is is it's a bad one for celebrities. Uh Medics crushed a bake off tent. A star has bloody accident on set and Alison Hammond looks panicked. Uh it's the all the newspapers are just full of stories about me. It had to happen eventually, Richard. Yeah, it did, because I'm back in the big time. Okay. Not it's not the stories I was expecting. You can bloody talk. You're the one who sexually assaulted me, so you know all right. That's what you um medic s rush to the bake-off tent, and uh no need to bring that up. But there is, because you're being rude to me, and I'm won't take it. I'm not gonna have that kind of nonsense. Um touched a nerve. No, you haven't touched a nerve, but you d you know, you touched my penis, didn't you? It was a different time, Richard. I'm from a different era. Okay, but look, this is the story, and this is why I wanted to tell you why you should be watching news round when it whoever takes over from me and not the lame stream media. Because look, it says medics rush to bake-off 10th. There was one medic .' Thsere there he is, he's in the picture. Uh as star star yeah Is that you? Well that's what they're you know, they're trying to make you click on the headline, you think, Oh my god, has Noel Fielding had a terrible accident? Has uh Paul Hollywood been injured? It's Richard Herring. What who? What when? I mean they say that now, but they won't say that soon. Um and Alison Hammond looked panicked. She did not look panicked. She looked unconcerned, pretended to be upset, and laughed at me . Yeah. So it's not look what I'm saying is this they're trying to blow up this tiny little story. I cut my finger with an apple slicer . It was quite bad. It bled quite badly. The medic, I've forgotten his name, he didn't wrap it up very well. I ha he had to come back two or three times. There was blood they didn't show any of the blood, but there was blood all over my apples. Had to make them again. Then it bled later, I think, on my gingerbread a bit as well. I don't know, I can't remember. It was a l it was a nasty accident, but you know, I s I I was a brave boy, you were she I didn't cry. Um I just said ouch, I think I swore, I don't know which swear word it was, they leaked it, didn't they? I think it's cunt jumps. It wasn't that I wouldn't say that. Um and this is the uh I think this is the Daily Express. Celebrity Bake Off abruptly halted as medics again only one called over stars' horror injury. There's a picture of me in this tongue, yeah. Again, star, it's questionable. Uh but it wasn't a horror injury. I'd literally cut a little bit of my finger. Like it was bleeding, but not that badly. They managed to wrap it up and I carried on straight away. They're liars. You're in the papers, though that's all pa if I'd known all it took to get back in the papers was to d cut my finger with a apple slicer, I'd been cutting my fingers every da y. That's what they want. They just want they want blood. They want blood, they want guts. They want to take these all down. But you're a hero. You survived this. You're you you bled and you carried on and you won Vako didffn,'t you? I mean I think I was very close to winning. I mean no, I think probably uh the time penalty that was taken up by me having to restart probably let me down on that Apple one. Uh so that was bad. Let's see what the next one is. Uh Medics called to tend to injured celebrity bacon star as they had heard shrieking in the background. I wasn't shrieking in the background, that's the Daily Mail, I think. Lucy Murgatroyd. When was I I went I s I I went out, I went oh shit or whatever of cunt jobs. I didn't cunt jobs. I don't even I wouldn't even wouldn't even be able to think of that as a s uh swear word.ord and my that's you wouldn't you're gonna think it no, I wouldn't even cross my mind to put those two things together. So I don't know why you've done it. Well I did it 's the first thing that struck to mind. I probably went oh shit. Might have said oh fuck. I probably would I probably dialed it down. I might have said oh blooming heck, but that's the bake off. They have to be they have to be nice, don't they? Um Icar us Water us He went up to the sun with his ings made of feathers It you can take a pick of us and he got so far that he fell forever and ever and ever and ever. We'll bring out an record of these eventually. They're pretty good. Icarus, it's a good song. Icar why did it start as Tommy Tringer if it's gonna be Icarus? Uh This is my big moment. I'm in the papers . And uh I wasn't shrieking in the bat I didn't shriek, I was I didn't cry. I didn't even spread shed a tear. It really hurt. It bled everywhere. I went oh no and I was very calm and said, Oh well, you know, I've shed blood to win bake off and then I didn't even win. It's the story of the life, and you know you you do so well on these things and then you never win. I'm Taskmasteramp Chion of Champions, mate. You never win I'm House of Games Champion of Champions mate. And no one else on this planet who's both Taskmaster UK and House of Games UK m champion of champion. I'm the only one so suck on that put that in your newspaper daily mail that's actual news don't put a man cut his finger you're reporting on it I'm reporting on the lame stream media letting people know that they shouldn't trust the lame stream media um but there we go. It's nice to know that all I had to do all this time I've wasted 30 or 40 years trying to write consider ed, thoughtful, intelligent political comedy. Uh I'm winking at it . Uh how do you silly robber I'm gonna kill you tonight? Um I and uh I haven't I don't rely on same phrases. That's the thing about you Rich ard. You don't no one day isn't gonna like the next with you, you don't know what you're gonna get. That's what you uh you sort of abhor the same phrase. I don't like a same phrase, I think it's uh it's weak comedy. What I like to do is come up with you know, very scripted, very highly thought out, intelligent stuff that you'll be very intelligent to get. Cox, yeah. The Paul Hollywood hand job . That's the uh Anyway, don't trust the lame stream media. That's all that today's uh uh news round is about. I won't be back tomorrow because I expect the circling of the eje the ejaculating executives will have stopped by then and whoever comes first has to lick all the spunk off and then they and then they choose what job I get. Is that it? Yeah. This is that part of the clever satiric al comedy? Yeah it is, actually. It is . If you were clever you'd understand why it was clever. You just think it's cheaper 'cause it's got the word ejaculate in it. Yeah . Aside, don't do this side. That's not you that's not your that's not your intellectual property. Aside, it is not your intellectual property. I can still hear you when you're saying stuff like that. Anyway, thanks very much for watching. We'll be back next time with even more um of th this whatever this is. Thanks for watching. Right, we tend to talk to each other. I think that was good. Yeah, I think it was good. We just we did it well we got it out late, didn't we? We got it over the way late today, Rich. That was good. Alright, here we go. I'm VBCI player. There's only one way to get rich around here. Yes, boy, I like it. Become proper gangsters. Why is gonna say get jobs? The boys are back. We're uh looking to expand the organization. We are we're forming a bit of a gang. What's going on here. The new series of the young offenders. I'm gonna be a bad pie forever. Watch on BBCI Player . It's the most wonderful time of the year. On the beach, on the beach, on the beach. Bucking hero . It's time to swap your beanie for a bikini and get out of blighty. On the beach have got you covered with tons of last minute deals on sunny destinations. Start booking around and search at on the beach.co.uk for last minute beach and city breaks. Abturn at all protected . SBC2 now it's trans formers robots turn into vehicles that are of a different gender to them to the fury of JK Rowling, who only identifies as a man when they're writing books, which is okay as long as they never go to the toilet. It's pretty simple, guys. Come on! On SBC one, no controversy here with Richard Allie's Craven News Round What's up with that old man's nose in the opening titles. What's up with his nose? Yeah, have you looked at your own nose? Yeah. Oh, so anyway . Hello, welcome to another Richard Alice Craven News Round. It is Thursday, is the second of April. We missed the thirst of April. April fools What's the April Fools joke? April Fools I'm Richard Herring. Uh I am uh in uh excavating Rita, educating Rita, you're right, educating Rita and excavating Rita at uh the Queen Mother Theatre in Hitchin later in the month. If you want to check that out, it's sold out, doesn't it? Yeah, just like the show off. I'm doing the gig in St Albans as well. Anything in Hertfordshire, look out for me. Um we've got a great uh Ralph coming up on the 20th of April at the Lesser Square Theatre. What is this with uh Michelle Wolfe and Natasha Hodgson, two of my absolute heroes in comedy? So that's going to be fantastic. But bu youry ticket soon, nearly out of 18 pounds fifty tickets. Stop this, what's going on? Uh I'm Ali Slotha. I don't do adverts on this, and if they did, it would be through my erection cream that I sell. Ali Slot Lhaop'es Resurrection Cream diet from gofasterstrike.com only a fifty turns a tonnet that it's a big tonnet. It's a big tonnet that you get. You get a big tonnet. Um this is the news, all the news in it. The sun is cunning up, Richard's creeping up from the dotted. That's fine. We're gonna probably put some curtains up here eventually to stop that happening. But there's such tiny windows. I don't think you could get curtains for those. Anyway, Richie, I'd just like to say get it over with early, don't put your eggs in the basket. This isn't Henderson . Yeah. Sit on it, uh Barbara, yeah. And uh Chicky . Woohoo! Oh that worked well. Except your mouth didn't say woohoo. I'm I know that's the same string. I'm linking at it. I'm always linking at it, Rich. And linking at it. I'm linking at it under the desk as well. Don't start being crude. With no point for crudeness in this show. That's right, Richard. I I forgot. Um look, we we got all the news that's fit to print. Sorry we weren't here yesterda y. Um I think we should an April Fool's way we pretended you were dead. Let's do that next year. Yeah okay we'll do that next year. Do you think this will still be going next year? Oh definitely Rich. It'll be on proper telly by then there right. I don't think so Richard. I think I'll still be here. Still trying to get over a thousand people watching on YouTube. It's always gets over a thousand, over two thousand people on YouTube . You have to add in the people who watch it on um Instagram and uh uh the 37 people who watch it on TikTok as well. So you know, think about that before you sit in while you sit in your chair. Anyway, we've got all the news that's fits to print. You may have seen on the grown-up news that uh some Americans, I think are going to the moon at the moment, they're on their way on there. It's taking a long time to get there. It's a long way away, the moon. What's the headline? Astronauts in final orbital position before setting course to the moon. Well, no wonder it's taking so long, Richard. Why's that? 'Cause they have to do all the physicians before they can get there. I don't think that's what it means. That's all three physicians. Three yeah the man on top, woman on top. Doing it like a pair of dogs, which doing it like so how do dogs do it? I thought which one isn't there? You get you get in the getting behind Okay . Those there's only three there, right? Yeah, th they're doing all three positions and then all that that and sexual energy charges up the old uh station and bang. Yeah, I mean they look happy, don't they? Look around the camera there, so you know, maybe they apparently you have to be at the a news to Wrestle that didn't make it on to Newsround unbelievably. You have to be careful you're not allowed to masturbate men on uh if you're on the International Space Station 'cause the sperm can go anywhere and if there are any women on board you can impregnate them without 'cause just the sperm goes everywhere. It's a bit like that episode of The Simpson, innit, with ants. Yeah, very like that. Uh except it's spik. They should have done it with the Homer Simpson spunction. That would be good that Homer Simpson spunk had gone everyw So we're so what do you think? Do you think it's um it's w it's They're not even going to the noon, Richard. That's the thing that I don't get. They just go around the noon. With all they we actually put legal on the noon. You believe that do you yeah, of course we have a legal. We put legal on the noon. I saw I lived in a world before flight, Richard, and then I saw other right others . Did you see it? Yeah I was there. And then I was at Cape Canaveral probably when when the the first Neil Armstrong went to the mo on. Yeah. I've seen it all Richard in my lifetime. It's been a long, long lifetime. And uh course they went to the moon, I absolutely believe that. Is it worth going again? I don't know. Is it worth slingshotting round the moon? Just have a look round the back. Well, you never know what's round the back, but it's nightly where all the moon people live. So you don't know what's there, do you, until you go and have a look. I think people have been round the moon before. I think it's just dark round there, you know, 'cause it never just keeps the f it keeps its face to us. It's just only the light that's the arse of the noon which on the other side is it. That's the noon arse. It keeps its arse out of the way. Tucked under the back and with all its moon genitals, yeah. And it's very rude that these people who uh first of all have to have sex in all three positions. What about um the ma the woman behind the man? I don't think that's possible, is it, Richard? I think that's I think I've heard that Prince William likes that some somehow. I don't but I don't know how it would work 'cause the the women can put the clitor is in your b in your bat hole. Is that how it works? Yeah, they put the clitoris in your batter Is that a different position? That is number four. It's a very advanced position . What about can the man put anything in the ladies' bottle? No, that was not a nothing must go in the ladies' thottle, Richard. That is not a that's not something that anyone would think of doing in undiscussed you didn't suggest the you suggested the clitoris in the it's a very specialized position, Richard, oh the clit clit up the bum I wasn't I uh honestly wasn't expecting uh it to go this way, I'm sorry. Well sometimes look sometimes I turn up on I'm not particularly funny and I hope that you'll come up with some stuff here uh and now you know sometimes what is this sun tines all of the signs and today you've definitely come up with something there I have the clip the clit up the bum clit up the bum Ah the suckinath I don't think that's a musical song. That was one of the racier ones which I got one about the moon. Have you there there was a lot of musical things about the moon Little Sally soon took a balloon to the moon she found it was all made out of cheese and then when she came down she had a big frown 'cause she had some bree on her knees She had silted nut the jump the cheddarin a hunter she had a hamper, yeah. Cheddarin a hunter. Oh she had she brought a hamper with her, yeah, that's right . Um She had Wednesday Dale cuther in her hair and a thaceless coding. Goat's cheese are dripping down and two her knees and thank you very much and please it's quite racy this song, isn't it? Yeah . And also a Davy Bell a baby bell was this a Victorian song, yeah there was a Nadydel they had that as well all right in red hot wax Go on what's gonna come next I'm interested to see where you're gonna go with this The it was lodged in Aunt it that she didn't give the damn that's clever, I like that. Uh because it's gonna rhyme with wax. I know well I know the song exists already, I'm not making up as I go along, just tell telling you and she had some dairyly dripping down her back going in a crack and in her ball sack that's not what Sally Spoon's got a ball sack, yeah. We were very minded back in Victorian times, unlike JK Rowling. She's getting a kicking, isn't she? Did he ? Um all right. Thank you for the song. It was not really part of this. Um so you think man did go to the 1969? Yeah, 6 9 ? Hold on. Did Sunday say Clitin of ? Yeah. They did, that was a while ago. Um Did Sunday say aren't strong you aren't get strong if you masturbate Yeah. You're a little bit behind I mean I think six just six did someone say sixty nine. Did Sunday say six seven six seven six seven I was born in six seven. Gotta tell my son that actually, he'd be delighted. Went to do ten pin bowling today and he's changed his name to six seven six seven six seven six seven six seven six seven six seven six. He put as many six sevens in as he could possibly could into the comp uter and was very happy about it. And he nearly scored sixty-seven, and that's what he only had to get one more, but he had two more go, so he ended up getting about seventy-seven, so that was disappointing. Oh, do tell us your life story, how fascinating. Fucking hell. But this isn't the news, isn't it? Is it? Six seven is very trendy. Is it, Rich? I think by the time you're saying six seven, I think six seven isn't very trendy. Six seven. Come on, get in it. You do it as well by the time you do it. Six seven . Six seven. Alright. Did Sunday say six seven? Okay . Um you think the do you think the moon landing was real? I think the moon landing was all too real, Richie was uh um so yeah. Good. We've got uh one of our reporters actually is on the is on the moon right now. No way. Yeah. Uh don't l I wonder which reporter it will be today. There's the moon 'cause that's the planet Earth there behind see that I can see it rich. And um I wonder which reporter is coming through the window today. Who will it who will it be? Place your bets if you think it's good. Who do you think? Oh, I'm on the moon there. That was interesting for a second. Let's see who it's gonna be. Get a little clue there. Hello, Richard. It's need the popul ar Twitcher fun character uh conspiracy theo. Yeah, the he's a pop was he popular? I don't know if people remember I don't really remember what his voice was. The sun is uh blinding the bit on the moon there and I just yes. The sun shines on the moon as a roll shine conspiracy I'm conspiracy theo and trying to remember my voice. Yeah. Get out of the way, as you get yeah. And I just want to say I don't think man ever landed on the moon. What you've gone to the moon to tell yeah, come to the moon to have the look. What evidence is there that n man has ever come it well, like if you just move out of the way, yeah, there's some footprints there. Those are my footprints. Are they? Let's see your shoes . I am hollow. Okay, that's fine. I'm considered a conspiracy theo. I'm not Jeremy Corbyn repurposed from uh as it 's conspiracy the that is a conspiracy, is it a conspiracy? Yeah, that's one conspiracy I do not agree with. But all the other conspiracy theories are true, including and never went to the noon O J Simpson was in a space rocket ready to go. I don't think that's um Capricorn one and the spaceship blew up and they had to pretend that the pilots uh had perished even though they were still on Earth. It was all done in a film studio. I'm on the moon now, Richard, and I can't see any evidence of the the moon landing here. I can see the Earth. It's if you're on the moon, why can you not believe that I come to the moon? That's fine. And you can breathe on the moon. Yeah. And you're hollow, you're a hollow man, and literally a hollow man, Richard. It's a very clever satire this show, isn't it? Yeah. Intentionally, always intentionally. Uh uh You're on the moon, yeah, but you think man never went to the moon. No, never man has never stepped foot on this moon and I don't have any feet so that still stands. Okay . Um even though there's footprints on the there's footprints Rich, but they put the footprints here to fool you into thinking it happened. Are you really so stupid? Uh well I'm surprised we haven't had you on more often, conspiracy Theo. You are uh an excellent character and a very good character. I believe in conspiracies and on the moon. I mean you know I would say there's a conspiracy that you're not on the moon, that you're just standing in front of a picture of the moon. What? Uh with the earth in the background. Ah no, look, I'm look oh I'm floating. Look what I'm bouncing. Oh shit, I'm just not the microphone pack. That's all right. Oh an on the noon how can you breathe? Um I've got a special uh aqua lung thing like sometimes you get in sci-fi feel . Um, do you think you'll ever appear on this podcast I can't see him coming back, can you? It's it's f it's a full character rich. Look, I had to try and work out what I was gonna do with a Jeremy Corbyn puppet that we hardly ever used. We paid someone so much money to make these. It was ridiculous. And do the set and everything. They saw us come in. And then I thought I'd use it work with the King of the Well, didn't the King of the World was good. Who was that was King Herod originally, was it? Yeah. Don't don't spoil all the magical illusions. So anyway, Rich , the the moon don't no man's winter to the moon. That spacecraft currently orbiting the moon is not here. I've looked up. No spacecraft. I think it's on the way from the Earth that's orbiting the Earth. Well, I'm looking at the Earth. No space rocket there. It's all you're being tricked, you sheep all. Can't you see how you're being tricked? It's obvious only I know. How do you know you're not being tricked by people saying you're being tricked? No, 'cause I'm not. You are . But how do you know that the people telling you that that it's a conspiracy are that isn't the conspiracy? 'Cause it isn't ' ICause'm right and you're wrong. Well I think I'm right and you're wrong. Well you're not. Well just seems likely that I'm it's more likely that I'm right than well I think it's not likely I'm right. So well I suppose we're we're an impasse aren't we? No one has I'm here in the moon Rich where are you just on planet Earth. I don't think you are on the moon. I think Stanley Kubrick has set up a brilliant studio and made it look like you're on the moon. Well I'm right here there's the moon how could you do that? It's a good question. How could you do no I mean you know, how could you do that? So I'm the I'm on the moon and man has never been to the moon and that's the end of that chapter. Okay. Fucking hell. Do you think people uh do you think people actually watch that? I think people do watch it Rich and I think they enjoy it. Do you think so? Yeah, I think they like the uh ad-lived nature of this. Do you think they like that? Yeah. Okay . I used to be on Proper Telly. You will be again, Rich. You will be on Profotelli. You were on last weekend. I know I thought they'd been touched by now. They're just waiting, Rich, they're biding their time . You'll be fine. Okay . They really sh yeah . Yeah. Well hopefully it'll all work out. Yeah, you're good, Rich. You're you're really good at this. Am I? Yeah, don't let anyone put you down. Don't let anyone say you're the opposite because they're not your real friends like I am. Are you my real friend? Yes, of course I am. I love you . Okay . Uh hope you've enjoyed today's episode. We'll be back soon. It's Good Friday tomorrow. I don't know if there'll be a Good Friday edition. We might be back on Tuesday. Uh but we might do tomorrow. Yeah, just it gets me away from looking after the kids. I'm meant to be looking after my son now. Oh yeah, yeah, hope he's alright. Anyway, we're gonna go. Let's do some chatting quick before the sun gets us. I 'm burning, I ain't burning. Alright, goodbye everyone. Fuck you. Off you go . On SBC two now. It's good Friday, it's five to five and it's crack or jack. It's not a TV show, that's just the only options open to the young people of Great Britain in this society and economy. Am I right? Either take crack or jack off. Those are your choices whilst Peter Glaze watches. On SPC One now it's Rich and Alice Craven News Ro und Start looking at the camera they can see uh uh hello and it's w here we are with welcome to uh Rich and Alex Craven News Round. It's Friday, the third of April. It's Good Friday, if you celebrate that. Three to the Lord Jesus . He got has tongue of on the cross. Um not very good Friday for him, is it? I think that joke has been made before. Well worth saying again . Is it worth saying again? No, it wasn't uh I'm Richard Herring and this is my best friend in the world. Uh really? Yeah, I think so. Ali Sloper, the longest uh double act I've been in uh in my life. It's going all right, isn't it? Okay, yeah. I love you, Rich. Oh it's nice, isn't you got me an Easter egg? No. Uh we didn't know if we would do any uh Easter shows but there's it's been such big news we have to do it and get it out of the way early, that's a nice say yeah we do have to get out of the way early. Sit on it, sit on it Easter No, don't say that. Sit on Jesus No Um God that was close. You guys taken off the air by Ofcom. Uh with here with I'm just showing willing. Like I don't think even John Craven did John Craven's newsround on Good Friday. He was at home with his family. I've said screw the family. It's important that people hear the news. That's right, that's what I said too. And uh and cheeky knee Woohoo and also yeah, I love the way you say woohoo without moving your mouth. Well anyone can do then chill a quiz and rich as easy. And also I'm linking at it. Oh shit . Nice. That was a good that was a good that was a good one. Sorry, that was me talking. Yeah, you j I just sent a quiz you your mouth moved though. Oh yeah. Um Which it's a bit of fun, we're just here for Good Friday. We we've been allowed to bring in games 'cause it's the we probably won't do any one of these till Tuesday now. We go who knows, Rich, who knows that Hallelujah Jesus is risen. No, he's he's gone in They say it took him three days. He goes in It's not three days. You're right. It's just a hangover, isn't it? I think people have done that joke before, so okay. I've had weekends like that, I'm that little drunk. Yeah, I think people have done that. I think people have done all the jokes that are that are possible out. Jesus don't tempt me, Richard. Don't put me to the test. Alrig allht right,. We don't want to de offend anyone this holy day, holy holy lord god almighty. No, we don't. Uh so let's uh we'll just crack on, we're just doing a quick news story, then it'll all be over. Now you may have seen on the grown-up news that uh Trump as uh and Pete Hesketh have sacked both Pam Bonby, not interested in that. Um but also Randy George has gone. Randy George yeah uh I didn't I didn't think Randy George would uh would ever I thought he'd be safe old Randy George. Randy George is he just sounds like a guy who just hangs around in the gardens, uh the White House behind the bushes, making his own entertainment. Um that is Donald Trump you're thinking of there. Randy George is a perfectly it's his name. He's a very high up man in the military. You don't want to take the piss out of Randy George. It's like uh they should be if you got a puppet we can use and call in Randy George. It does sound like a like a character we would a Randy George. Little Randy George went on a tri to chat to go to see if he could get the lady to eat his cheese really got on a shadow thing and hoping for a vangy dangy and that all the ice young ladies would be down on their knees , but when he got there his coat it started to flare and his little Johnny Appleseed were showing his Johnny Appleseed, yeah. That's what we called it in those days. And the feast came along and they saw his great big don and they said come with us I'll tell you where you're going You're going to jail Randy Jod You shouldn't have got it out in the gorge We were looking for guys like you and what we like to do is lock you up in jail where everyone will want to see your cock. Is that that's not a real one . Don't worry when you're in jail lots of people will t suck you off. That's not that's not the real one. Don't worry when you're in jail you'll get bombed and lot a great lot. That's not a real musical song. Stop messing around. Randy George is a highly respected Randy George. He's a highly respected military man. Pete Hex has let him go. We don't know why. Because he's called Randy George. It's ironic that the only person called Randy in America who's lost their job recently is is someone who you know is not on the Epstein list you'd think he would think well you w might think he would be but someone who's called Randy. You know, it's got it it is he's hiding in flame sight, isn't he? He's not hiding, he's not done wrong. He's just called Randy George. And you know, is that enough, Rich, for to base a whole episode of news random? I think that's uh enough to base a week's worth of newsrounds on, isn't it? Well uh Randy George I'm gonna get a puppet made up of Randy George. If you want to see Randy George over, he looks like a little country bumpkin with his trousers round his ankles. Look there he no that's pr President Trump. That's Randy George. So he's not he doesn't look Randy at all. Um I think r it's just short for Randolph, I think, isn't it America? Randy there's lots of people called Randy. There's nothing f uh amusing about it. Why are you laughing? Because he's called Randy George and he's standing in front. If it wasn't like if his surname was a regular, if it was Randy Harris, it wouldn't be a problem. It's because his Randy Little Randy George went to the blacksmith 's for ge hook into Neat the Wracksmith's wife He got at his salami cos he was ever so slightly Rani and all he saw was the blacksmith with the great big knife and the blacksmith said to Randy Jodge Come the Randy Jod h my forge and gun cut you up good and proper govern ge I don't like the way there's so many songs you don't porge why are you trying to think of different things that rhyme with Gorge? Uh your penis is not enormous that's not a good rhyme. That's the so every song goes. So leave my wife alone or I'll be cross. Can't remember what it had to rhyme with. Okay, let's move on from that. Uh we are gonna talk to uh one of our correspondents about about being called Randy. We have a we actually have a Randy correspondent we do. Uh and uh I don't know how he'll be feeling about uh about this particular ne ws story, but let's head over. Can you guess which one it is? We've sort of given it away. Uh we're heading over to Sandringham now to see to meet oh I'm there I'm in Sandringham to meet um uh correspondent Randrew Andrew Randy Andy Oh my head's oh sorry oh my head was oh always hold on let me help uh he's got a little head going there we go oh there's a little problem issue with this. There we go. You are sorry, no sorry there, Richard, uh head. Uh seems seems to be coming out of its socket. You go there. Uh and uh it's in a difficult few weeks for me. It had coming off well it looked like it was there, didn't it? But I'm sure it'll be fine. Isn't he Randrew Andrew? They call me Randy Andy and I seen this Randy George and look, why is he not in more trouble than I my name was a Nicki name made up by the British Fresh at a time when being Randy was seen as a positive thing. And uh I just want to say that uh it it annoys me to see just all he's done is lost his job, I lost my house, I lost all the businesses I had going, all the girls I was seeing, they all disappeared. Uh all my contracts and uh night so Stephen Randy George is there. I'm Randy Andy, I'm the original Randy and he's not even he's not even Randy, which I met him and I said, You wanna have a sex with this woman with me? And he said, No, I'm the proper American general or something and I don't do that, I'm looking after the country. That's how he l how unrandy he is. So it makes me furious that I just got ankle Randy Randy Andy Did I get into trouble? Oh I'm sorry about your head, Unrandy Andrew. Let's see if we put it there. Will that help? There's a little hook there, maybe that helps. Maybe just Ah is that it I've got a little head. Oh ho o hoo Well if we knew your head came off like that I think we'd have uh given you a lot more time. I think there's Oh I see what's happened. Don't worry, Randy, Andrew, I'm gonna I've I've got this have I Don't worry, Richard Ison, I'm not breaking your beautiful I mean, could you do this not on air Oh look this is live, I have to I have to Don't turn over to Crackle Jack . I I'll I'll I'll for I think I'll be able to sort out later. I think just that's oh just trying to get this your little knob into this tight hole. Yes I don't know the Oh nearly did it. Uh anyway we'll sort it out later. Hello Richard it's me, Randy Andy. We're not starting again. You've done we've done the joke, yeah. And uh your head came off, that was fun. Let's see if we can get that in there. Uh it's like a it's like uh you know those ducks you get at uh fairgrounds. This is a little hook I'm just trying to get into a little hole. Who would have thought Randy Andrew would have a little hook? Oh look I've done it there we go. My head is back on Richard oh look and see that's one of the worst things that's happened to me the last couple of years. Yeah, I think you've had a good couple I've had a good couple of years Rich and uh my head coming off was certainly one of the worst things that happened to me. Well it was bad for me to have to do that um live on uh TV. Yes, it's live and there's no way of editing any of this out, that's a thing. Anyway, uh I couldn't have been on the ethnic list because I was in a chain of some kind in a small English can town town some of kind. You know how it goes. I do, yeah, I do. I mean it was unusual for me and I can remember it because it was unusual for me, Prince Andrew, to be there. Not Prince Andrew. It was unusual for me, Randrew Andrew. Anyway, don't like Randy George. He's moving in on my territory and you know, I'm the I'm the most famous Randy and get back off. That's what I back off. I've got this covered. Yeah, I think I think no one's really trying to