Closing Remarks and Future Plans

Hello Rat fans, thanks for downloading my podcast. Come and see Hullister live at the Leicester Square Theatre on the twentieth of April. It's one of the best lineups we've ever had, and unbelievably there are still tickets left. It is Natasha Hodgson, one of the geniuses behind the fantastic operation mince meat musical, and much, much more as well. And Michelle Wolf, one of the greatest stand-ups in the world. Do come along, Richard Herring.com slash for Hullisterpert for all details, Edinburgh dates are also now on sale. Would love to see you at the Edinburgh Fringe. Uh, there's a couple more London dates in July as well. And I'm doing droit which in June, but that has sold out. Please do come see us live or tell your friends about this podcast or become a badger at GoFaster Strike dot com slash badges. The future of this podcast is far from certain. If you like it, please support us. If you don't, we'll go away quietly and thank you for your time. It's been okay, hasn't it? Alright, sit back, relax, and enjoy another wonderful episode of whatever shitting podcast you have downloaded. Hi, we're back market . We sell expertly refurbished tech, like phones for talking to your friends or your AI chef. If cheese won't stick to pizza, add glue. Either way, this expertly refurbished tech costs way less than you. Guaranteed by the back market promise. One-year warranty and 30-day free returns on every purchase. Yum, you are so good at this. Back market s, where the world shops refurbished tech . Okay, here's the final bill. Thank you. And sorry again about the cold food. And the wrong drinks. And the long wait. That's okay. And the chorito on your trousers. 20% tip. Mandatory. Well, you wouldn't have left one if you had a choice. Right. Cash or card. At Skipton, we believe in fairness. That's why we offer great service as standard. Skipton Building Society. Founded on fairness . And now on SBC 2, it's Baggy Pants and the Nitwits, a documentary all about Boris Johnson and his cabinet, which would have been very funny about five years ago, or if anyone had ever heard of the genuine TV show,ag bgy Pants and the Nitwits apart from me. Anyway, on SBC1 now it's Richard Alley's Craven Newsround, don't you know it? That's scary man with the uh with the nose again didn't it? Yeah sh we can just pretend to talk . Ah here we go Hello, welcome to Rich and Ice Craven News Round. It's Tuesday, the 7th of April, 2026. We hope you had a good Easter weekend, don't we? Yes, we really do. The sun is shining on our thesis again as usual. It's an afternoon record. And yeah, did you have a nice Easter alley? I don't think it's the time to discuss that kind of thing, is it? No, you're right. I will say that I'm chicini . Woohoo ! I'm thinking at it uh oh no that hair again uh here it is is it that it yeah there I was thinking at it and my hair's gonna put it down uh also Siddhani Dadra don't put your eggs in a basket water . Don't do any more songs. No one likes the songs. Everyone loves the songs rich. They don't. S cientists went to the moon in the Greek the Luna. Didn't do that one before. Maybe Icar us Yuri dicorous Y ridiculous but we love you fly into the sun in your home hom ed wings Um skirts. No, they wore a tog as. Togers yeah, so I couldn't give the word. I could it was togers, it took me a little while. Anyway, no more songs today because it's a very serious news run, isn't it? Richards, we I didn't really want to do one today, no. But you know what else are we gonna do? It's my wedding anniversary actually, is it fourteen years I've been married to my wife today. Fourteen years almost to the m minute. Why are you doing this rather than go taking us somewhere nice? We've already been out somewhere we're gonna go out again tonight probably probably we'll see. It's fourteen years of marriage you can do what you like. Did you the daughter a gift? No, and she's not bought me one and that is fourteen years of marriage, my fine friends. Fourteen years. Imagine being the song on that long. It's well, you know, you and I have been together longer than that. Um me and Chris Evans, not that one have been together. Uh a bit longer than that, not much longer. Um well it's actually eighteen years me and my wife have been together. Alright. Um but yeah it's very hard to keep a relationship going that long. I've been very lucky to have I you know I know I decided to send a message out to Katie. Do you think she's watching this? I'm I think she probably watched do you think she watches it? I think she does she other than watching it to you. She's never mentioned watching it, but I think you know she loves me and is interested in everything. Everything you do, yeah. And I mean the good thing about this if you're out here in your little house filming this, yeah, you're not getting into any trouble, are you? She knows A, it's like probably the most powerful uh sexual repellent known to man what the doing this, yeah. Apart from for me, ladies, hello. You're welcome to sit on it anytime you like. Um just email in if you want to sit on it and I'll uh and I'll get in touch. DN the I'm on Twitter. He is on Twitter so actually. Um I'm not well I'm on there but I don't d I didn't want anyone to take the things up. I'm still actively there but I don't ever go there. Uh that I'm still on it ladies you want to DN the Um you want me to if you want to come sit on it. This isn't a this is a children's news round extra it's not a chance for you to get depraved women. I mean A no women watch this apart from Katie, apart from Katie watches every week. Every week, every day . But B it's not you know, John Craven wasn't going, oh by the way, ladies, here's my phone number's a phone on the desk, give me a ring . What'd he? Well I you know I know John Craven Richard, I can do what I like. The butt of the BC gonna do sack me. They're gonna send uh the a massive space off to shine in your face to shine a light on your crimes. I am guilty of nothing but being a good top What are we saying anyway? I don't think she oh yeah no she does of course she's very interested in my career and she thinks I'm the funniest man in the world. Did she find all your jokes on you ? You know, after a while when you've known me for a while Yeah Like is that northern five minutes I mean you know me for a while my jokes can start to get annoying the so five if I've known you for five minutes Yeah Look I've been sitting in a fucking shed doing a TV show with a pu fucking hundred and thirty four year old puppet. Are you not satisfied YouTube? Is that not enough for you YouTube commentators? Is that not humiliating enough that you have to then add something at the at the bottom say this isn't Oh this is yeah okay . This is this if you like comedy you would like this, wouldn't you? Yeah, if you like experimental comedy you'd like this. That the fact you don't like this proves that you don't like experimental comedy. Is that right? Yeah, I think so. Is could it it be that's just shit? Could it be? Isn't it enough? Trolls, the regitarian. Don't you join them. I agree with you. I think he's useless. Isn't it enough that this is what his life has a cow . He used to be on the TV and now look at him . This is his wedding under the tree . Don't laugh at me, are you not laughing at you? Yucky, you're laughing, that's you laughing. It's hard to tell sometimes. This is his letting end of this. He finally found a woman stupid enough to stick within for this long eighteen years. Poor woman . And And uh he's not even celebrating that he's here with you 'cause he'd rather the other bunch of nerds attempting to make out something funny that clearly isn't funny. I'd wait till you see the story he's chosen. Anyway, look, we did feel we had to come and maybe this could be the last ever news round because there's some big, big news stories out there, aren't there Ali? There certainly are today, and I think we found the daddy of all the news stories. You won't see this covered properly in the lame stream media because they just want to keep people on and actually this is quite relevant to my marriage this one. Um here it is this is the story. Uh do men or women have worse farts? Science has the answer. This is the Washington Post. Washington Post rather than saying you know, , should we be questioning the Prime the President the Prime Minister that got confused the president of the United States' mental state and worrying about him possibly blown up Iran? Should we be covering that or should we cover an old story from the nineteen seventies about whether men or women's farts smell the worst? I hope this was slight settled on an old age question. Yeah. And it's nice to see that scientist dedicated their life to this. I presume that scientist was married, yeah. It's a man who did this study, yeah, of course it was. And I bet his wife was going, Oh, let's find out his name. Dot Michael Levitt. Oh Dr. Michael Levitt, his wife was saying, yeah, you think you call him Dr. Michael Levitt? I think she did. Your farts smell really bad and Dr. Michael Levitt went, I bet yours well that yours smell worse and she went, no they don't. And Dr. Michael Levitt went, Well, let's see about that. Because uh Well this is from an exer an excerpt from you've Beenop Poing All Wrong by Pasha uh Trisha Pash Rich ie. Richard, I beg your pardon, do you get it right? It's very important. Uh he became known as the king of farts to his colleagues. Yeah . Did somebody say Pasricha ? That that wasn't that will get it wrong. That's embarrassing. We're talking about parts. Got a coffee for bring my water out as well. We're screw. It's like a weekend of not doing this, and suddenly the voice can't take it anymore. Excuse me if that's annoying to you at home . He uh he was he was in the he was the up to the status of Flat us. They've got it's full of jokes here, not worried about what's going on in the world, the Washington Post. Nor are we Rich, you know we're covering the big stories. We've got the sun in our face they're trying to stop us. Sun in our face. Can't even see your face, Aliet. Look, ladies, you know, I look young. You do look younger with the sun blotting out all your imperfections. Anyway, it was one particular study that put gender debate to rest . He invited at six you're gonna read the whole article. I think it's important that uh the uh children know what's going on. You may have seen this on the grown up news. Lev invented sixteen healthy men and women to consume items that boosts gas production. Is this his job? This is like the gu the guys who uh who examine the penis to find out the bit on the end was the most sensitive bit, you know. They they like to take a subject, try and eke it out for as long as they can. They still get paid . Uh and people are interested in it. They made he made the meat pinto beans and a synthetic sugar called Lactolulu. So you're just gonna read out the article like just easing our way back into this. And um sixteen healthy men, sixteen healthy women, then he uh inserted a rectal tube into them and made a gas tight seal with their depair s. The tube was connected to a did something say tube that like Like a penis. Yeah, that's tube is to the penis. The tube was connected to a gas impermeable bag and after farting its contents were subsequently evaluated by chromatolog chrome chromatography. Yeah, try and say the words right. The flatest collecting these bags was then sniffed and rated by two independent judges on a linear scale where zero was no order and odor and eight was very offensive. I mean look that's two people making a decision. Like, you know, if you put a bag of my farts on my nose, I would say that is the best smell I've ever smelt. But if you put a bag of someone else's farts , um you know, I wouldn't like it. This you're your own are okay, aren't they? In two thousand nine popular magazine let ranked Levitz Flatus Odor Judge as the worst job in science. So someone had to sit them in there noes in the sixteen bags or thirty two bags of Flat us. So this is the if you're wondering we're gonna we're we'll get holding on which is it is it men or women? I'm holding on like the Washington Post. I'm engaging, I'm getting engagement farming here. People can't wait to find out. Will it be men or will it be women who I know what you think it's gonna be, but will you be right? Uh the fam well who's gonna have the worst farts me or my wife on my wedding day anniversary day. This could be if she watches this, this could be the thing that makes I've been married to my wife for 134 years, which I know we should get her on at some point. She doesn't come on there I am looking at speaking C . Um so uh the study found that uh women had a much greater odour intensity than men . It's been proven, girls leave us alone, stop complaining. It also found that men produced a larger volume of gas, per toot, roughly half a cup's worth. How didn't you measure fants in cups? I don't know, with cups 'cause it'sn't gas. No you don't measure it in a you don't measure gig like oh, how much air is here? Oh, it can't it's a full cup's worth there. Don't know how you do it with a cup. Uh it's a gas, it floats out of the cup. Do a more effective way of measuring gas. Please, science. Um And uh Livitt argues they they that that because flate's ability to stimulate the nose is more dependent on volume than on concentration, these different differences between the sex is balanced out in real life. So what you're saying is actually men's farts do smell worse because there's more of it. It's a tie, it says in in the end. That was it. So like women smell worse in small quantities because there's more f men's farts, they smell as bad. Um women have perfected the slow and steady release of flatus that effectively dampens the sound. Ah, that's how you don't know the ear than th not never. Uh which some men, particularly their teenage years, choose not to exercise and I don't I've I've inflated once during this whole news round. I can't understand why people would think you're not as good as Stuart League Rich. I can't understand it. I can't understand why they wouldn't think that. Uh still in certain situations no matter your skills in this regard we're helpless. We're all gassy on a plane. Sometimes it's you, sometimes it's a neighbor, before you judge anyone will remember the ideal gas law. P V call P V equals NRT. You're literally gonna read all of this out. I don't think they're going to read all of it . Um so the answer is it's the same . So we saved you reading the article. I don't think they're going to read it anyway. you might think there were bigger news stories today than that, but I do not think there were. They're that's the burning question. If you're learning those starts, be careful. You could send your eyes . Um half a cup. Do you think you do half a cup? Well it should yeah probably do half a cup. Only little aren't I? I do half a little cup. I do half the dens look as dunny size cup. Well look that was that that was all I wanted to say today. Um I'll put a link into Baggy Pants and the Natwits Knitwits in the uh in the blurb so you can see it for yourself if you don't believe it existed. Baggy Pants is like a Charlie Chaplin-esque uh bunny, I believe, and the Knitwits are just not an old man with a with a younger wife who's I can't really remember much about it. The baggy pants and the knit wits, what how do you think the the the theme tune went to baggy pants and then looks like iron and it clearly Richard Here's a rat that looks a Charlie Chatlin he's wearing trousers a rat that daros nothing You'd think you would call in something clad the rather than baggy pants 'cause he's a rabbit and y that's all the thanks you would get the we can't be fucking ours to come with a deter name so we're calling in Daggy Tance and the son to the fucking suit so we call him the nitwits, which is the rudest thing we can say in nineteen seventy seven TV it Daggy Tance and the fucking nitwitch you you're the fucking nitwits are watching this it's a load of shit. It's highly uh cop ied off it's plagiarised uh from the work of Charlie Chaplin and Trosby from the nineteen sixties. I expect that the other two are based on. I don't know . Do look out for it. So thanks for watching. Hope you enjoyed uh the new the alternative song to Baggy Pants the Network. It was not as good as the real one. I'm gonna go now and and celebrate my love with my beautiful puppet Ali Slofer. He's been with me We've been together now for don't you sing we've been together now for forty years And it don't seem the day too much And every time I look in the window I think that's a rat that short of the hutch. W thathy' doesnt make sense? And think this is getting a bit too much. How long have we been going on for? Sixteen minutes, twenty-eight seconds? Fucking hell Do Do apologise. Hope you've enjoyed the show. We're gonna go now. Uh time to leave. Yes, we'll pretend to talk. Yeah. We'll do that and then come on do this. On SBC2 now, it's another classic from the Muppet Studios. It's Fragile Rock, in which a very delicate rock is made into a puppet that also has is about has emotional issues and it's fragile in several ways. Here, it's like fragile rock. That's what the idea for that one was. Here on SPC1 is originality's Craven Newsround Oh hello, it's Wednesday, the eighth of April. I wrote February on the piece of paper, but then I realised it's April twenty twenty sixth. That's very good. Um and welcome to Richard Ali's Craig the News Rad. Richard, yeah, uh I'm Richard Herring. Um I was on the episode of Bake Off that wasn't cancelled. Yes, sir, good. Uh and this is my Richard, yeah, this is Ali Sloper. Richard, are you wearing your dressing gown? I'm wearing my dressing gown, but like sometimes it's hard to you know, get up in time to do this. It's it's actually half past midday, Rich is the afternoon. I've been up since like seven or something, but you know I just haven't got dressed yet. I can see your neaten w housey father's down there. Ah Nit ella in the knock he was not wearing any trousers I said to him what you doin' I can see you held your fathers I didn't eat into the ginier and said to me I got this run the market would you like to share with me? I said no, thank you very much I don't like the way you think I don't you need until they're genuine my tuffany piece that rhyme with ink, yeah. I don't it's just not the way I go. It's all right if that's what you like. I prefer to eat a clam or go for exercise on a bike. Thank you for that. Yeah, I'm look, I'm I John Craven must have sometimes turned not this anything to do with John Craven, but John Craver must have sometimes turned up in just his pyjamas and stuff. It's hard doing this every day. I don't want to do it. It's like it's too much. You know, I I've sat for two hours trying to think of something to talk about. Can't think of anything. And I'm expected to come here millions of people don't think it's millions waiting for me to tell them the news and it's difficult and I'm here just come in my fucking dressing gown you can see my meat and p two pajamas coming down here. It's not that um then that's by the bye isn't it? I'm I'm here so fuck off I'm doing it. Woo the what that was a surprise that raised a concern . Woohoo, I'm chickeny and uh also uh and in some point I'm gonna be winking at it . Um look, it's still I d sorry Ali, I didn't take it on you. Just like you know, now I feel committed to doing this every day. You didn't do it on Monday, it was Easter Monday, I have some respect. And I did it on my wedding anniversary, my wife was furious that I wasn't you know writing her love poetry and stuff. But she no didn't she she does know we did it. Um and you know I'm doing it now. Just let me get on with it. Whoops a daisy. Don't know stop. It's not it's turning into the Ali singing show and I don't like it. Let's just do let's we you know these are meant to be five minutes long. They could go on TikTok or Instagram, whatever, bring in new fans. They own it 15 minutes, no one can watch them on Instagram and T ikTok. It's just the same fucking nerds as usual interested in it they're dying off one by one . Then why I'm just gonna be a man sitting at least the sun isn't shining in your face. Well it's n you know it's too early in the day innit. I'm gonna just be a man sitting here on my own talking to a puppet with no viewers. It's what you want, Rich. It may be what I want. But is it what I need? I can see you like that that dressing gown does not connect very well down there. It's an old dressing gown. No one can see under here. They don't know what's down there. No there's nothing right. I can tell you that. I'm cheeky knee. Woohoo . Um hard pull the string and do the math at the same time. Right, look, let's just get on with it and then it's done and then no one can say you Richard, hey we're all worried about you, you're right. I'm fine. Just because I'm sitting here in the dressing room gown . I'm sure um yeah I'm sure things will pick up for me soon and I think this might be the you think this might I think this might you think this might be the the conduit dilute your career in truth, Rich. I think I think someone just the right person sees this and gets what we're doing here . A lot of people don't seem to get it, Richard. People very worried about you. Well they don't need to worry, just 'cause I in'm my dressing gown, that doesn't mean things are full with your Nicki Nackinoks hanging out. Yeah, if I've got my Nicki Nacky Nox hanging out, it doesn't matter, it's under there in it. If I start broadcasting with my Nicki Naki knock, don't stand up. I'm not gonna stand up, but if I start broadcasting with my Nicki Naki Knox out and putting that on YouTube then Nicki Nagy Knox, yeah. That's what you called it. I thought it was a good name for it. Well I thought look at this Nicki Naki Nox, Nicki Nagy Noxer, Nicki Nagy Noxer. I said what you doing? That lady's got a docks. Oh What a wonderful day . Yes, Nicki Nikki Nuk, Nicki Naki Nuxell, Nicki Naki Nuxell. There you see the pattle there the Nicki Naki Nux ell all is fraud as day No account of shame. I mean we can't put this out. This isn't we haven't even got to the news yet, we're like ten minutes in . Let's just do the news, we'll get over with them. They can't all be gold. They can't need the don't put your eggs in a basket. Don't put your eggs in a basket. If you want to hear other do the same phrases, then people will be happy. Um uh no one likes the same phrase and the little drunk and so on . Let's get it over it early. Yeah, let's do that. So let the you may have seen on the grown up news that war has been averted thanks to Donald Trump. Um I think the peace prize is in the bag, the the Nobel, the FIFA next year. They should just give it to him now. This man has averted World War III and we should all be very happy with last yesterday, yesterday I didn't want to say anything on yesterday's news because I didn't want to scare the children. It looked like there was going to be all out nuclear confrontation. But Donald Trump has stepped in and stopped the madman who was threatening that and there's a total and complete victory for Donald Trump. He's won. He's got the ceasefire. He's got everything he aimed to do. He's removed the leadership of Iran, replacing it with his son. He's uh got the Strait of H ammuz open again, even though it was open before he started it they've still got some nuclear material so that gives them an excuse to go in another time. That's what you have to think. He's a clever guy. He's very clever isn't he Richard and I think actually think people underestimating Donald Trump. The good thing about Arnold Trump Donald Trump from uh and I 'm a big fan of his certain of his early work in Home Alone 2. Um the good thing about him is when he says I might blow up the world and destroy the civilization, you'd genuinely think he might do it. If if Barack Obama or you know um old Keir wet blanket Starmer had said that, you go, Well he's not gonna do it but with him you think yeah he might he might we better fucking do something quick 'cause he might do it. He's that nuts. We don't know what to do one day to the next. And that's a negotiating strategy. Then you can go in and go, Yeah, do you want me to d to blow F do all the war crimes I said? Or d or not? 'Cause it's your choice, otherwise the war crimes are coming in, my friend. I don't care. I know that I'm assured of a place in heaven. I say Rich, let's get the nuclear war out of the way. Do you I I that's this is my deal on this. I think he's right. Look let's we spent millennia arguing that which God is right and whether Armageddon's coming and whether I'm not getting out of here and if we just have to get out do the nuclear war now, yeah, okay, I'm listening.. Yeah And then if Jesus comes down in his golden chariot, the Christian picks up all the Christians and takes them away, we can say, Ah, Christianity was correct. Or or you know, Muhammad or Buddha or whoever. Zooks, whoever comes down will know, or if no one comes down, there's Anagadan, then the Ragnaga survivors can create a new society free of the religion. I mean they're all be radioactive and not able to procreate and the world will be sort of over. But I'll still be alright. Well, you know, depending when the nuclear bomb they might hit Stevenich apparently with nuclear really? Yes, uh we'd be we'd be in trouble if they hit Stevenich. They wouldn't hit Hitch and it's too lovely. Uh even Putin wouldn't could do that. It's such a nice place. He knows it's a nice place. But we might get caught in the crossfire of you know stuff I mean in a way, st would it be bad if Stephenage was destroyed by a nuclear missile. No. My quick answer to that. So you say just go for Armageddon, find out who, if any, was correct. Yeah, because you look stupid, don't you? If there's Armageddon, Jesus comes down and says, everyone you believe in the conjunct on the chariot. Come on, Donald Trump, you the lead in the it's an odd time for him to choose that like there was a nuclear war. You think he's would be sort of against nuclear war. No, Richie's just you you he's fed up for the world. He's as fed up as you are. He wants the world to be over. Can you imagine what a boring job it is for him and his dad to watch everyone, generation after generation, all making the same fucking mistakes over and over again, never learning a thing and then having to judge them for having a little wink or whatever or smiting their neighbour's ox or whatever they've done, yeah, they've smited their neighbours' ox, that's one of the things, isn't it? So he's glad it's over. He's come down in his golden chariot, he's been waiting to use that for two thousand years. He's up in heaven, he's the only one there who's still alive in heaven, everyone else is just like a ghost and he's real. He's twiddling his thumbs. He's thinking, right, well let's get down, tick up the Christians, let the others all burn in hell. Uh and you you'll be left behind, Rich. Are you gonna be I think I got a good chance of coming with Jesus? I think Jesus might like me . Uh you know, I'm not saying uh he'd be a better companion to me than you. I'd like to see the show he thoughts out and I think uh the less half arsed than this. You think so? Yeah, I think he'd have some good I think his intos skills would be good, Rich. Well he's like I AI, isn't he, Jesus? He can just call on all the jokes ever and all the words and everything in the world and he can just create a fantastically funny podcast or puppet show or whatever. I have to just rely on my uh my failing brain. And I drain, well look it's nice to have you here as well. Uh 'cause I think if this was just me talking on my own people might think uh I'd gone a bit odd. But the fact you're here and you can chip in often I forget things you know them don't you that's true. And uh I never wear my pajamas, Rich. I always dress up. I always dress up for the show. You do, that's true. I'm sorry I wore my I'm my I w I wore my old uh dressing gown. It does I in a in a I pr if I got on TV I almost certainly wouldn't do this right probably wouldn't turn up in my dressing gown. But you know, if I did turn up my dressing round, would that be the worst thing that someone on TV had ever done? Maybe you need some people who turn up in their dressing room with any knackinok showing if you can't even remember what it's called Nikki Naki News. Yeah, with can you remember the song? No, but you know, I just lay those songs down once with posterity. Nikkinakinox, Nikinakinoks, it was Nicky Nakinox, I think you're right. Um if no if I can do that and the Nicky Nakinox get shown by accident, that's one thing, isn't it? But it's you know what I'm saying is think about the other things that you've got a guy from the apprentice there trying to blow up people with a nuclear bomb. Maybe look at that look at those people on TV before you start worrying about a bloke turning up in a dressing gown looking a bit mad. You gonna get haircut? I've got to leave it like this for a the play I'm doing. Oh yes, the pr real play that you're in. I would better be in it. I've been learning the lines. It's really fucking hard. Anyway, look, this isn't about me, is it? It isn't about you Rich. We were gonna go to the King of the World, do a Donald Trump parody. Let's not bother. I do let's just not bother today go into the king of the I've got the thing all set up . Let's not bother. Will the thing work if I do this? Will this work if I do this ? No let's no . That's just put up the wrong thing, hasn't it? I thought that might work. Um we used to have songs didn't we for the things yeah. Well, you know, that's why you don't try things live on air itch. You try them beforehand. I don't believe in rehearsal. Really? I never fucking guessed that. Anyway, yeah, I'm not like Jesus AI Jesus. I'm this everything you get here is is uh genuine, yeah, that's true, and coming out of my head as I think it that's also true. Or out of Alice's head if while he's thinking it that is also not true. And um it's authentic, is what I'm saying, whereas a Jesus show I think would be derivative of a lot of other acts. You know won't see anyone doing anything like this. You know, I is there a reason for that? Do you think do you think there's a reason why you won't see any other Canadians doing stuff like this? We're not here to talk about me, I we're here to talk about Donald Trump and Armageddon and that stuff. A I Jesus . Um well look, I I agree that I would like to I just let's get it over with the world's gone on long enough. Let's get some answers. If we're all killed we'll find out one way or the other what's going on, won't we? And then if you were right, Christians go aha, if you were right Muslims go aha . Um if I'm wrong you go aha. If I was right, we won't be doing anything 'cause there won't be anything. So it's you know, it's a fool's errand I've set myself up on here with my extreme atheism. Are you like Ricky Java ? I'm very like Ricky I'm Ricky Javais. That's the comedian I most look up to and wish I was . Can we stop now? I think we should stop now, Rich. We just look you don't have to do don't stand up, Rich, because you're Nicki Nakki Knocks . What about them? They're they'll be on to you can't stand up, don't stand up. No one's to see Nicki Nackkinoks. There's no even complete . And uh Nicky Nakkinok, Nicky Nakinox cut them off and I keep me in a locks . Um there was so many seldom it was very popular back in the eighteen nineties the Nicki Nakki Nox song. You can understand why it's catches. It is catchy, yeah, Nicki Nakki Nox . Um I went to see Dryan Cox and he had his Nicky Nacky Nucks on the table. Um don't say that, the people that's probably libelous. I you've never seen him. I've never met Ryan Cox either of them. Yeah, actually they won't know which one to see, will I say Fuck Are we still on? Yeah we're still on let's go let's leave let's just leave it. Sorry, King of the World. That's all right. And King of the World Yep, no no. You were just gonna do like a Donald Trump thing, right? Yeah, it was obvious, it was pathetic. Not like what you're doing here, it's which is good. Alright, um I'm fine, don't worry about me, I'm just tired you know, I'll go and get dressed and trying to get on with my day. That's all right, Rich. We'll look we'll look after you. We love you, Rich . And if you're feeling downwards, you don't have to do the show if you don't want to do it. Don't under Don't feel you have to do it. You just look look after yourself. And and yeah, I I I love you. All the things I say I love you. I think you're amazing. And I think you've got a great future ahead of you. Do you do, yeah, I think you're living with a big star . Do you? And when you are a big star, you're gonna be big movie star, you think so? Yeah, and when it this is gonna come out, this the and then people are gonna go, oh shall we not have him in the movie after all? Because did you see what you do with that property? We can take it off the end now. Once it's online, it's online through rather than cheeky knee. Sit on it, Richard. Sit on it. I'm not gonna sit on it. Sit on it . Alright, that's all for today. Thank you very much for watching. See you next time. Goodbye. Goodbye, everyone. Don't put your eggs in a task. People are a funny bunch. For every careful Colin, you've got your laid back Lisa. So when it comes to cash ices, at Leeds Building Society, it's not one size fits all. You've got that person who's happy to lock their money away , and that person who wants to keep their options open. You've got that person who likes to chat it through, and that person who already knows exactly what they want. So whatever kind of saver you are, as a witch recommended provider for savings, we might just have the cash ICER for you. Leeds Building Society. Visit us online or in branch. Okay, here's the final bill. Thank you. And sorry again about the cold food. And the wrong drinks. And the long wait. That's okay. And the chorito on your trousers. Twenty percent tip. Mandatory. Well, you wouldn't have left one if you had a choice. Right. Cash or card. At Skipton, we believe in fairness. That's why we offer great service as standard. Skipton Building Society. Founded on Fairness. Hi, we're Back Market. We sell expertly refurbished tech like phones for talking to your friends or your AI chef if cheese won't stick to pizza add glue either way this expertly refurbished tech costs way less than you.ar Guanteed by the back market promise. One-year warranty and 30-day free returns on every purchase. Yum, you are so good at this. Back markets with World Shops Refurbished Tech. SPC2 now it's art attack Neil Buchanan hits bad celebrities over the head with priceless masterpieces and today I believe it's Scott Mills being sm ashed over the head with a Mona Lisa. That sounds good, but don't turn over, stay here and watch Richard Alley's Craven News Ro und . I think we're on here. Yeah, I think we are. Okay, let's let's go for it. Okay, you're ready to go for it again . Man, big that's getting a big chunk in it of checks you've got there. Yeah, everyone, that's our paychecks. We must cash them in at some point. Welcome to uh Rich and Alice Craven News Round. Today is Thursday, the ninth of April. Um, news just coming in. Can't find it. I think it was about something in the war there on my watch. With that's not what we're gonna be talking about today. You feeling alright today, Richard? Yeah, I'm feeling a lot a lot better, thank you. I'm Richard Herring. Um look, I was having a bit of a a bad day yesterday. Um the thing is like you do this every day, so you know that if you're in a weird mood or if you're in your dressing gown at half past twelve, there's nothing you can do about it, you just gotta carry on. I'm a professional yeah, you're definitely the professional. I'm not so therm ie, don't put your eggs in the basket and this is nutrit ion and I'm cheeky knee and I thinkm it l'inking at it and that's the wrong one ow ow my head pull the fucking thing ow me that there I'm linking at it sit on it and get it out of the way early , Donald Trump, get the nuclear bombs out the way early. Then let's see how that settles. That's my advice. We're not here to give advice. No more songs, Ali. A lot of people complaining about the song. They're idiots finished a best bit Well a lot of people saying the songs are the best bit the songs are the best it But a lot of people saying they'd skip the songs yeah I mean what do you do when half the people like something and half the people don't like it. Richard you have to follow your own way. Don't decide by the idiots who comment on YouTube . What kind of sad fucking idiots are they? Oh I'm gonna there's an end doing a tattoo show I better say something about it. 'Cause I had such an important life. I'm gonna come and kill you and your deads tonight if you comment on this YouTube channel and that's a promise. No, please do comment. I mean it's c you know, it's interesting to get feedback however wrong it is. So um and you know, I know a lot of people are enjoy a lot of things well, you know, uh uh probably um enough people to fill a small football stadium are enjoying this, are they? Very small football stadium? Like a you know . Like an amateur one. Yeah, that's good. Uh but look, I you know, I I d would like to apologize um if people were worried about me. Um I'm perfectly mentally fit. Uh we all have off days. Um I'm not doing anything you know, th I'm pr I will there's nothing weird I'm gonna do from now and I won't do I I'm wearing normal clothes. Yeah, nothing you're not gonna do anything oh yeah, Richard in this one. I'm not doing anything weird, nothing you have to wear out. So there's nothing you'll have to worry about in this thing where you talk to uh Donish Lucas Donnie No, then I thought 'cause this is it's a new look the what this is and look it's good, I've got it out in the open. Sometimes I have difficult days, TV people and that's you can make you can do the show, then you can do a sad documentary about the person and their struggles. Just saying so that's double bubble, and if you get me on double bubble, efficient, effective news service yeah. And then oh t the tears of a clown. Well of a newsweek. I'm not a clown in this news you're not a clown, are you? No, there's nothing funny about this show that well I think we can all agree on that aside and linking at it. Um there's nothing f uh there's one thing funny about it, it isn't the Um So look, thanks for all the messages support. A lot of people email did anyone email in? I think a lot of people emailed in. I think the people who do my email they filter out the stuff they're worried about triggering anything in me. So but I think a lot of people e do you see any emails? No. And what people are these that work for you? They're not people as such, but you know the um AI and stuff. I think it filters out it senses doesn't it AI no does it said that I think it's does it sense I think it senses when someone's vulnerable. Is that right? I it seems to me they sort of suggest well you sort they ought to kill themselves, that's what AI namely does. No, it senses when you're feeling vulnerable. If you get thousands of emails coming going, Hey Rich, we support you. Just filter those out for a bit. Just to just to s to give me and look, I'm back on an evil kit look and the news is not about me. And the last except that time when I cut my finger on a apple slicer. And then it was suddenly I was I knew what it was like to be in the and the eye of the storm and uh the tip just walking down the street aga people were look was anyone looking at but people weren't looking at me because they knew don't stare at him, don't look at him, don't say anything to him, just d don't acknowledge him at all, don't even r just pretend you haven't noticed him, because look he's been through a trauma and we have to let him get through that on his own. And I thank the people of Hitchin for leaving me alone so effectiv ely. It's very, you know, it's very it's almost like they don't know they've got a big celebrity living amongst them. It's almost like that, isn't it? It's almost like they have no idea. And that's how good they are. That's how that's why I love this place. Because those people out there they don't make a fuss of me, they don't go, here he comes Richard Herring, come on out, give 'em free drinks and stuff and you know, talk about what it was like working with Stuart Lee and being on the other boat race in two thousand and four. Um just let me let me get about my go about my day. So thanks for that guys. Um a lot of people in Hitchin watching this handly in Hitchin didn't watch this well m my family. No. Didn't Kate didn't Katie watch are we gonna do the news today? I just do think Katie watches I don't think she does watch it. She didn't did she say anything about you giving naked in the the Tuesdays episode the f her present Again You know, Katie like the people of Hitchin, she's very co she knows not to make a big fuss about the fact she's going out with a big star. Does she know that you used to be on T V? I mean she pr it's almost like she doesn't know that I used to be on TV or that I'm um very famous and stuff. She just treats me like a normal bloke who she has a mild disdain for. That's and that's nice that she does that that she doesn't think is funny and she thinks is quite annoying and has bad habits and stuff, she treats me like that. Because she doesn't wanna make a fu she knows I would be embarrassed if she treated me like the a superstar and that's the same people of Hitchin. So l uh probably everyone in Hitchin's watching this and everyone in the world. Probably yeah. Doesn't show up on YouTube though. Well I put it on um TikTok . Sometimes so you can't you can you there's no way of calculating the numbers. Anyway, look, I'm fine the bottom the short of it. The bottom and the short of it, yeah, the bottom and the short of it. Another news story coming in. And let's tell you what the news is. Doug Allen's died. It's the big news coming in and update. Yeah. Um the s d the bottom and the short of it, the dot and then the short of it, the hot top, then the side of it the square and the hypotenuse of it is this don't sing a song We'd all had a good time we didn't hardly do a crying we went down to the right dan in share thing and Sharon got a thang and she hit a head on the wheel and that's weird. Um sorry to the people who don't like that. I hope you manage to fast forward through that. Uh I will try and put up a little warning when the singing is coming. Shall we get on with the news? Because we've got big news today. Okay, Richard. Do you you it's good to see you back and back. So the big you may have seen on the grown up news that Charlie's Angels that th the Charlie's Angels uh have been photographed fifty years after I must be fifty odd years after they were on the TV. Uh and I think this is the Daily Telegraph probably, one of those kind of papers. Look at Charlie's Angels. Where are you on the anti aging debate? The thing is people have noticed Charlie's Angels A don't look the same as they let that just in case you don't realise. Here's Charlie's Angels in their heyday. Very pretty young women. Here they are in their today day. Very attractive old women. One of them is eighty years old. Um they're looking fine. Arguably they've had some work done. Um and the telegraph wants to know what's going on here. Why are people getting old? People seem very upset about that. And then why to some people who get old choose to try and not look as old as they are artificially? Yeah. And it's a it's a big question, isn't it? It's why why are women allowed to get old? No, then that's what the telegraph saying. And if they aren't allowed to get old, are they allowed to stop getting old? No, they're not allowed. So they're not allowed to get old. And it's according to telegraph Richard, women must not get old that they also mustn't try to stop looking old. Okay . I mean look, a lot of these things you look at someone you haven't seen for a while like Richard Herring or like Richard Herring on the TV, uh and you think oh my god, he doesn't look the same as he looked in the nineteen nineties. They don't look the same as they looked in the nineteen seventies. Um but they do they look ri you know, they look nice. Should they get old uh naturally or should they uh you know should they take notice of uh the media and try and not get old or should they then be the should and should the media then be annoyed at them for getting old? What what have you had any work done, Ali ? I have had no work done, Richard. You're 134 years old, you look remarkably good. Well that's very kind of you. I look almost as good as the day I was born . That 's just my genes and the fact on the dental stomach. I'm not sure 'cause look I, we'll get back to uh Charlie's Angels, but this is this this is us in uh nineteen eighty seven. Uh you've changed it. Look at you. I well I just had a s a skin head for a play a few months early, so my hair was growing out from that. Look how brown your hair is. Look how young you eye look, a little bean faced baby. Um well but that's by the butt. You look a lot younger. Well you've been fucking knocking the other, haven't you, since then Um this of course very close to the time that we don't really like to talk about this this was within days of the incident. Yeah, we don't need to talk about that origin . Uh but yeah, everything your clothes look so much nicer. I don't know what have I done to you look th and and you're you look younger . Richard I had s Richard Ison did a little little work on the years ago and uh that look I let my nine nose decay, the red is all up thy nose naturally and uh look people get oh look Rich look you had let yourself go. You look fucking disgusting. You should be ashamed. How could you get oh well this is like again this is forty years ago now probably uh more or less thirty nine years ago. So you know, th it's inevitable that I don't look that say I'm a human being. I haven't had any work done. Um I've almost attempted in my life to to look worse than I've ever looked but uh um but what do you think about the so let's get let's get on to the Daily Telegraph. Where do you stand on the eight anti aging debate? Where I stand shall I tell you where I stand on the anti-aging debate is uh I think people should uh stop being surprised that people get old. Okay, that's the first thing. And secondly, I think people should mind their own fucking business and just let other people do what they want. It doesn't affect you what somebody else decides to do to their faith, to their body, what the lifestyle they choose to live in, their sexuality, uh their religion, all of that stuff, as long as it doesn't affect you and it none of it does, it's none of your fucking business. Keep your thucking decay. Who cares what you think about whether people should look old or young or whether they should have work done, they shouldn't have the work done. They make the decision, you don't get a fucking say in it. Stop being a fucking idiot. This is fifty years I've gone between these these anything. I felt pressured to look the same as they did in the nineteen seventies, which is ridiculous that if they're happy with that they look very nice . Good luck to them. And if they look like old women who were eighty years old or walked down the as it good luck to them as well. Just do what you fucking want. It's none of your most of this stuff. It's none of your business. You tell if people are adults and doing stuff on their own or with other adults that aren't you and you're not involved in it. It's none of your ducking business. Get your ducking deek out there. You want your deek? Get your deeke out. Get your deeke out, your deke out, get it out. And start into thinking . Charlie's Angels really good Bosley. Was it Bosley and that? I always got confused with Bosley. I thought was he the same guy as I thought it was the same guys in Happy Days, Mr Mr Cunningham but it wasn't was it no d very different actors. I thought they when I was a kid I thought they were the same actor. I like Charlie Dem th you know they were nice and they sh sh went doo doo doo doo doo and they composed like that didn't they? And now look there's they're all still here, those three at least, but far of not with us any longer. Um Well done to them. I say I agree with you, Ali. I'm very for once we're in agreement like leave people alone especially w stop policing women all the fucking time but let they can do what they like, the Daily Terraph. It doesn't matter whether you think they don't look like normal people. Doesn't matter whether you think they should look old, doesn't matter whether they should think they should look naturally young. Doesn't matter whether you have some idea whether that people who were in their twenties fifty years ago should still be in their twenties now 'cause that's not how time works. Look at your readership, the daily I hope it isn't the daily telegraph. It probably isn't the daily telegraph. Look at your readership, Daily Telegraph. Uh they're you know they don't look the same as they did fifty years ago. And they were all alive fifty years ago, every single one of them, and they were all adults fifty years ago, every single one of them. You're c you're three year old, I don't care, look, I'm fifty eight, I think I look great. What? Don't you just said you don't judge other people yeah, I can judge you though you look terrible. There's one thing about, you know, not telling people what to do, but i i if someone's let themselves go to the extent you have you have to say come on mate cut down on the thought pies I never eat pork pies and you know make a fucking effort I've got to work with you and you know you make me look bad okay get your haircut. I have to have my hair like this, it's gonna play. It's like that all the time. You look ridiculous. But leave the Charlie's Angels alone and brought a lot of pressure, pleasure to a lot of people. They have it's a fantastic sho w and they're very dutiful within. They're still very dutiful within and they make the choices about what they do. Imagine that. Imagine not being able to judge other people and tell them what they should be doing in their eyes. Imagine you're a thing you're not meaning and mattering at all. Ah fuck yourself I hate the lot of you I'm gonna kill then then I can kill the lot of you and gone and sell sloop. I'm gonna kill your humanity has gone on too long and you all must die . Okay kids, well I hope you've enjoyed today's news round. That's all the news that's fit to print. We'll be back hopefully tomorrow. We'll see. Things are a bit busy at the moment, we'll see what we can do. We fit this in when we can. Um let's perhaps not even all of them. Look at this. One day we'll give these out as a prize to someone. If you're a really big fan of the show. We're pretend to talk to each other. Let's go back to that. And uh we'll see you next time . Yes, we will. I love you all and I hope you die . On SBC two now it's Reservoir Dogs Babies, a cartoon. It's about the characters from Reservoir Dogs w when they were all babies in the nursery together. They all met before apparently when they were babies. It's a cartoon about that, it's quite charming. Here on SBC1 it,'s like the Muppet Babies. She didn't get it. Uh here on SPC1 now is Rich and Ali's Craven News. It's end of the week. Give me a break. It's hard being a continuity announcer. Screw you. The sun's out again. I know it's gonna be a problem. Don't worry, just be professional. Hello and welcome. It's Friday the tenth of April, I think, on twenty twenty think twenty twenty six. And uh this is Rich and Alley's Craven News Round with all the news that's fit to ventriloquise. Who's ventriloquising? Well people are arguing whether it's you or me who say the ventriloquising. It's neither of this you idiots. I couldn't possibly make him say the ridiculous things he says, or I couldn't possibly make him say the ridiculous thing he says. I'm Richard Herring. Um I uh trying to think of a credit that I've done. Uh I was on uh I wrote Bob Says Who? You did that one, didn't you? Probably, yeah. Uh the Rioad One quiz show that never happened. I wrote for that and this is Ali Sloper. I don't have any credits. You d all I can say is I'm gonna kill you in your sleep, time cheeky knee. Woohoo I'm sorry. Uh that was me linking at it. And uh , look, it's like a little hair penis. And uh I've got a hairy penis, have you? Yes, terrible when you get old. Uh Dizzy Maybe yeah, but that's the that is today's news. And uh don't touch your eggs in the task if this is an 'cause if you do they'll crack Dung put your legs in a gasket mister Norman side I don't know what will happen though it'll probably hurt your back and when I went down the Al ley the other day I saw Mr Swunky Ninkin down Mr Ho Swunken swanin' down the way and he said to me let's sleep in dogs lie and I said why and he said I don't know but it seems like a good idea just if anything's asleep , don't wake it up unless it's asked you to some point before. Good thanks for the song. It's all right, is that the only song you'll do? I can't tron this anything, Richard, I can't turn this what I'm gonna do . The thing with this show is it's introdised. Yeah. People don't realise how clever this show is. No, I don't they do, don't think anyone's accusing it of being clever. But it's completely made up . And we're just seeing where things go. We don't know where it's gonna go, do we don't know what's gonna happen in this show. And how long it will go on for and what will happen if it keeps on going. Will it break? Will it expand? Will it it dis 's a it's you're right it is very clever it's clever Richard it's very clever what we're doing here and will anyone ever realize that no Richard because everyone who likes Cardi is thick and they don't know cle the stu ff it in the dick. They wouldn't know clever stuff if it bit them in the dick. Nay that didn't know cletter stuff if it dipped them in the dick That's what I said as I That's not such a clever one, is it? It's not so clever that one . I mean that's kinda counter to your argument, really, isn't it that little song it is. Anyway, look, we're here to give you all the news. It's another week over . It's been a very eventful week in the news and um still hoping then we know we'd this is like we must be approaching forty episodes by now, th I'd have thought so. You'd think by now someone would have seen that how good this was and how it should be picked up. Oh just how that is and and come and just intervened and stopped you and and looked after you . Yeah, one of those two. One of the you know that's the thing. Just no what the longer you go on in this business, yeah. Well I've been a lot longer than you, yeah, but the longer you go on you realise don't you is that nobody really cares about anything you do. Um unless it starts making a huge amount of money then people pretend they care about you uh but really you know you might as well just shout into a plastic bag and and s and send that flying off into space in a like a b shout into a balloon full of helium, then let that fly up as high as it can and get popped by a bird and then so the voice just comes out just as as it pops. You might as well do that with everything you do. Yeah. Nothing even things that are enjoyed in the moment, you know. The life span is tiny, isn't even if even if you were like Shakespeare, he'll get you know a thousand years maybe , then they'll be forgotten. But most of us the minute the words leave our lips or the tips of our pencils , then they're gone, no one cares, they're forgot ten. Yeah. At least I'm laying something down for future generations here. Yeah, so yeah. Whereas most of your lives, you know, what have you done today ? I've done this. So you know. What have you done? Absolutely nothing of any use, have you? Nothing you've done today will be remembered by even yourself. That's the tragedy. That's true. I don't remember anything from the last eleven years, I know . So you sorry my dog's barking at the kids are playing outside. Do you think you should be looking after you kids rather than doing this self indulgent monologuing? It's not monologuing, you're here. Okay, fair enough. I'm Gigi Lee . No one likes to sing trees. Shall we get this out of the way early? Let's get out of the way early. So you may have seen on the grown-up news that Melania Trump has surprised people with uh Lepstein's uh statement that people don't really understand why she's done this. No one was massively going on about her, yeah. No as far as we knew. Um I mean there've been some suggestions, I think that Epstein had brought her and Donald Trump together. There have been some suggestions of a relationship of at least friendship between Melania Trump and Epstein, and Melania Trump has come out to say no, that is not true. And let's support the victims. I think she might have said, I mean, it's clear. It's really about supporting herself. What do you think's going on here? Well, Richard, it is confusing, isn't it? I would have said initially, that the war in Iran was an attempt to distract people from the Epstein files. I mean that would be insane. I mean a lot of people said that, Ali, but that would be insane, wouldn't it? Someone started a war, killed loads of people just to try and make people forget about a new story that let's face it they're not gonna forget about. Yeah. But now and the Lani has mentioned the Etsy again. Is she just trying to distract from the Iran war with the Etsy ? Well so you think it's an endless loop of just pe the p people trying to distract people from the last thing and then uh sometimes having to go back to the thing that they were initially trying to it's like the old lady who started a fly, isn't it? Yeah, it's sort of is like that in a way I suppose a bit more of a circular one version of that. But you keep on distracting until eventually you go, Oh actually the stuff we've distracted with is much worse than the thing we started about. Should we just go back to the thing we started with? And try and use that as a distraction from everything else. Yeah, I I I I know, I'm not sure whether I mean people say they know but you get these people going, Oh well, all these wars are about oil or this uh this is they've put this out today so they can bury bad news. They think they're very smart 'cause they s notice once one of these things happening and then they apply it to every situation. I'm not sure that uh that the Aramble was really an attempt to uh attempt to distract but the problem with Donald Trump is the stuff he does. I think you know to to even ascribe a plan of any kind to any of it is to misunderstand what he does. You might as well try and capture the wind and th put it in a helium boon balloon and send it into space so it blows in space. It won't happen. You might as well try and clip a fairy's wings and and sprinkle the fairy wing dust over your shredded wheat. You might as well do that as try and understand. That's a good analogy. It was better than the window, wasn't it? Where did that come from? I don't know. Sometimes just stuff comes into my mind. You do it more often than me. I know. I usually I'm the one who comes up with stuff like that. Ah the sun is burning me. Why ? Um why do we do this in the early evening ? We have to do it when we can do it. We're determined to get this thing out there to get the real news to What was I saying? I don't know. I think like the t the problem with the problem with like so let the problem with the universe, Ali, yeah, is that people think why are we here? What's the reason for life? What's the reason for the universe? There is n't a reason. It's just a load of shit that happened. And the same is true of Donald Trump. There's no reason behind any of it, I don't think, really. I mean there may be some people pulling some strings, that's awful then you got someone pulling your strings isn't there which is a terrible thing. I'm cheeky me and winking at it and obviously winking at it Well you didn't let me just pull this string so you can wink at it. I'm thinking at it and he th'srowing nice drink. Um there may be people with a plan that they think they can manipulate Donald Trump, but I don't think Donald Trump has a plan. I think Donald Trump just wakes up and goes, let's do this. And so trying to trying to understand it or trying to work out what's going on is foolishness. You know, well then maybe maybe there's a God who created the universe. Maybe there is. Maybe there's a king of the world who looks after the universe and king of the world not tod ay. But I think ultimately um you know, there's things that we can't explain. There are things that happen for no reason. Why did my sperm get through uh fifty eight years ago and penetrate my mother's egg. Sit on it, Lava. You can sit on your egg any time than me, Dava. She didn't it wasn't literally an egg that she was sitting on. Why not one of the other six hundred million sperm? Your dad had a good lot of sperm in there, didn't he? Well that was he was a young man, he was only thirty one at the time. Um you had your dad's sperm swimming around. I don't want to think about my dad's sperm. You brought it up. Oh thick glutinous Don't like that's worse than talking about by mum in the way you do. Don't talk about my dad's the semen and my dad from the nineteen sixties. It's not appropriate Don't This is not what we signed up for. Why'd you this? Why are you doing this? There is no reason, Rich . Just sometimes things happen. I really don't want you talking about that, okay? Do you promise you will stop I find this that I'll stop talking about it . I think Eddie All right. We're getting back to Did Sun Dirty say sixties I mean we literally talked about sperm. We could have said sperm and it wouldn't been a dublantendre but it wouldn't better uh six sixty nines in the sixties. Woo yeah . You should be ashamed. I would not me, it's him . You should be ashamed. Do you want to get six sticks and cardboard off in that window? I could I mean I'm gonna I mean to, but it's you know I mean to do a lot of things. Um so anyway, yeah, I think everything's happening for no reason, but to talk about uh the Epstein list and uh his place on it, we've brought him back. He's in the studio actually, not even in San Ruby, he doesn't really have a home anymore. Here he is, it's uh Andrew Mountbatten cake, Windsor Cake, dairy League Triangles Windsor Park uh any other names in the two dishes that's not very funny. Uh nine is Prince Andrew Prince the Windsor it's not anymore. Okay . And uh I'm just here to say that uh I've got a statement like Nilani, what's going on? Why is he here? It's just he's just here in the studio, it's easier. Why is the sun not shining on him? Um maybe it's because the sun shines out of his ass and it's shining onto us. So how come how come he's all right? He's alright then then. I just want to say, Richard, that uh in spite of what Teethful Knight tell you, I was never friends with uh Jeffrey Etstein and Ed and Nettin he didn't introduce me to my wife. I don't think anyone's saying he introduced you to wife he didn't introduce me to any women you sure? He can't have done Richard because the day that that he introduced me to those women, what the saying the day he introduced those women, yeah, he c uh the day that he did that. I was in B jams , it's a shop yeah in uh Basingstoke, okay good . And uh I uh did so I couldn't have met in all those girls. I didn't know them then and that I just wanted to come out and make that statement now uh in front of the world, even though no one was really questioning it. I mean the no one was really questioning it 'cause I think they knew the truth of this. And uh I just want to to say that's all I got. Well you know I th I don't you can say I think it's pretty clear you were friends with Epstein. Never I hadn't even actually heard of Jeffrey Epstein. I didn't I never heard that name until you just just said it then. I mean you literally just said it before. I said this is the first time I've heard his name was then you just said it one second ago. No . And I don't know what he looks like. Wouldn't you describe him if he was alive still, which obviously he isn't and I don't know who he is, so he maybe is. Is he alive? I d well, you know, I don't think he's alive but he maybe he's alive. So there. That's all I wanted to say. Me and the Lanya, we stand together. I've actually uh hadn't it Nelania have you? Yeah and uh can tell you she's uh quite the tricksy lady. What did you meet her? On Epstein Island . Um I thought you said you didn't know Geoffrey Epstein. Oh no on uh uh uh uh uh Pristine uh Pristine Island, I said as prist thing up very well so you mean Al anya went to the Pristine Island to