Interview with Keir Starmer

Hello, monkey fiddlers. It's me, Richard Herring. Thank you for downloading my podcast. Please keep listening if you can. Uh the big news is uh twentieth of April, Leicester Square Theatre, one of the guests has been announced. It's Natasha Hodgson. Uh one of the geniuses behind and in front of Operation Mince Meat the musical. Sorry, my cat's running around the kitchen making a ringing sound, hope that's not disturbing you. Um once the Operation Mince Meat fans hear about this, it's gonna sell fast, so Get your tickets now, go to Rich Charring.com slash Ralisterper, and you can see all the dates. There's a couple in July as well. I'm doing uh Rick Mail Festival as well, but that is sold out. Um become a badger at go foster strike dot com slash badges if you want to Help us continue to make these bloody things. Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy another episode of one of my podcasts, you little fiddly monke. Stop ringing those bells. Now on SBC two, it's Here Comes God. Uh if you want to see God, turn over to SBC two. But if you want to see newsround, stay on SPC one now for Rich and Ali's Craven Newsround Hello, everybody, welcome to Rich and Alice Craven newsround. It's Tuesday the twenty fourth of february, twenty twenty six, and here we are with all the news that's fit to say on the non lame stream media. This is the main Lake Superior media we've got here. It's the massive media, not lame stream, like the lame stream mainstream. We could they could say Lane Lake Superior news. They could, but they wouldn't think of that. They're not clever enough. I'm Rich Terring. Uh you may remember me from uh my appearance on Best Man's Speech on ITV four, I wanna say. Uh this is Ali Sloper. Hello, I'm Chicky New I'm sorry I'm winking at it. One day you're and then the witch string does which don't you? Maybe one day I will. Uh and uh and so on. Sit on it, daughter. Don't say that to my mum. We've I've just been back home to see my mum. It's very sit on it, uh you know no one likes to sing trees. Yeah. Anything else you gotta say? Just get out of the way early. Is that a new cat that's that's a new catchphrase Just get it out the way early, Naddun it's not that good, is it just get it out of the way early. You can't just say anything and hope that that becomes a catchphrase. Uh no one likes the same trays, Richard, but just Get it out the way early. That's what I say, just get it out the way early. If you can get it out there early, then you can get on and see if you actually like each other. I don't know what you're talking about. Um anyway, look, we were away over the weekend I was seeing my folks in Somerset. We may have missed Some bits of news. How did you do that? Show on your own. I don't know, Richard. I just felt the need to come on. Why didn't you mention Prince Andrew being arrested and stuff? And I don't really like to read the news, Richard. I didn't know that had happened. So yeah, we had the one big news so the biggest news story of the in the royal family probably since the beheading of King Charles. King Charles has been headed the first one. Oh okay. Won't be long, Richard. It probably won't be long and you know, and I for one will not stand in the executioner's way. Um but uh yes, it we we missed it due due to you being away. Yeah, that is that's very true. Very hot in here, Rich. Yes, um I'll I've got a little under uh the desk heater, electric heater here. They're quite expensive to run, but it's better than putting the central heating on. in uh in this office. Uh but I put that on, I guess, when we recorded the show on Wednesday and left it on all the time I was away and I've just discovered it's on it's been on for five or six days. And it's thirty one degrees Celsius. Dr I can't sweat. You're not the only one, but I can sweat and it's a bit too hot. And I'm not sure we're gonna have that great a time. Anyway, what's the news today, Histor, you may have seen on grown up news that Peter Mendelssohn has been arrested the the lady of the thought he is in disarray. Well it that's not a news news story. And uh Mandelson's unusual late night arrest. How was it unusual? I think he was just in his pants and he tried to seduce the police. Well that sounds like him. I'm very much of the opinion, and I've said this on another podcast, but I I'm very much of the opinion that for anyone accused in this Epstein uh thing we should have one photo of them that we use every time they're ever mentioned again. Uh for for Mandelson it should be the one of him in his pants. That should be the only picture we ever use of him ever again. Even when he dies, that's his obitory picture. Uh Prince Andrew I mean it's hard there's a lot to choose from, could we there? Or it could be him crawling on the floor with the potentially dead young person beneath him. They were throwing twister. They were playing twister or CPR or whatever it was. Um but anyway, Mandelson has uh has in indeed been arrested. I think he's been released for good behaviour. Um it's all all the uh the the house of cards is falling down, isn't it? Um and we do have a correspondent to talk about Mandelson's uh arrest. We'll head over there now. Let's see. Oh there it is. It's that so that's a beautiful little cottage there. Dunno where that is. Could be in Sandringham. Someone's elbow in the shot there, that's a bit embarrassing. Uh hello, Richard Oh you seem to be in the sho for a second there as well. No You've got you've got to go the opposite way to what you think. Yeah, I know that now. Hello, Richard, I am your new correspondent on Hit T talk of the uh Teter and Mandelson. Hello, Andrew, hello it's An it's Andrew, Mount Batten, Windsor, um Thundercats. Thunder Drone. Yes, Barbara Windsor, yeah, Windsor Davis, yes. That's my name, don't worry that's Randu Andrew. It's me Randu Andrew, Richard, that I'm not here to talk about myself. I'm here to talk about the desiccable story. Where are you? This is my new home, Richard. Terrible tiny little cottage they put me in. How many bedrooms? I think there's about fifteen. It's a real condeny, Richard, that uh I don't want to talk about that myself, he agreed. Are you paying cash to this, aren't you? I am paying yeah cash for this Oh you could just send a this isn't being recorded this is not being recorded. Just send a Ness sir and not a fat one, Richard, not a big fat one. Just a thin young one. And I do expect uh the ending I don't seeking in code the ending of the massage should be halfy. I should be half the the well we know hopefully any massage. You would be happy Where you going? I'm just walking around. Uh hopefully you'd be happy the end of and just relax. Yeah. That's all I want to say. And that's nighttainment to the on the show. Yeah, no look I'm really Happy to have you must be uh inundated with offers of work at the moment. Well you'd be surprised. Uh not that that not that much. Uh not own opening any pizza restaurants. I don't think that needs in which you we're here to talk about Steel Anderson and his despicable behaviour. He's been arrested and rightly so. For what he did, he he sold some secrets to Geoffrey Epstein, didn't he? That's absolutely sticko he was walking around his fence. Why is no one talking about him? Why is it all his knee they talk about? Well they are talking about him, he's been arrested. Yeah, but they keep cutting back to me. And I just want to say I'm in that of so much honour that usually I wouldn't even say anything about this, that look at Leton Mendelssohn. He's an evil and he has been proven to be in the Epstein files. Unlike me, I'm not in there. Were you sure? No, not in there at all. We do have to mention a little bit what's been going on with the I didn't know I'm gonna talk with them myself. Look all I say that myself is that I think it was well out of the order that I was arrested on my birthday. But that's very rude, isn't it? The next Trollton police They should have let me enjoy my birthday had a cake, all my friends were around to eat the cake, how many friends was that? It was they hadn't arrived yet. So how many were you expecting? I'd sent uh hundreds of invitations. And I was just sitting down. I I gonna sit down 'cause I'm not doing anything. Okay. Um So hot in here. You hot I'm not hot, Rich, 'cause I'm not there with you. I'm outside my house insunding. It's a lovely day here. It's a little bit warm, you're sweating. Ha ha ha ha Very funny, Richard. No sweat. No sweat. You look a bit uh like you're sweating. No no sweat. Uh so what happened the police arrested me, Richard, on my birthday, and this is all I say about the whole thing, I'm not gonna keep my mouth shut otherwise. And I just think it's off. Like they could have waited one day, couldn't they, till I've had my party and my jelly and the and everyone had been around and had fun. Even Fred and Rose West weren't arrested on their birthday, Richard. Well I don't think they were I don't think they were found guilty on the you know they don't think they found them on their I mean they might have been, I don't haven't looked into it. They the police would have gone oh let them enjoy their birthday. Then we'll arrest them after that. There's no need is there, you can arrest these last even Sandin Laden Even his birthday, Richard. Those people have gone oh let's phone Let him enjoy this cake. He's got a he's got a thundercat cake if you like thundercats, did he yet? Let him enjoy it and then the next day you're going and getting the Oh, apparently old Andrew Prince Andrew you're not Prince Andrew. Andrew now that in Windsor Can you think of a less irksome night apparently Richard I have to get interrupted unlike the 'cause I am worse than the sound of the Laden. That's what they're saying by doing that and I'm fucking curious about it. I didn't give him scare electric, so by I bought it well the tax there. I bought it with some tax and the line around. I had loads of nuts lined up to give me happy endings. Yeah, I mean I think people uh again, I know you want to talk about Mandelson. I think people are a bit annoyed. I mean, I don't know why they're not annoyed by the all the stuff in the Epstein files, but they're annoyed by um the fact that you've used your contacts to get trade and stuff, yeah, for yourself. Yeah, oh well that's my duty and my right as the king of this country. You're not the king. I'm eighth and nine to the throne, Richard. Seven little accidents, and I'll be your king. And I tell you if I'm the fucking king. I'm gonna come the you fuckers and I'm gonna kill the fucking the the the heading will come back what? And anyone who said I was a nunce is gonna fucking get it. So just be careful what you say that me, okay? Cause the problem with me is I had too much honor and just too honest and I'm too nice. fucking kill you, you fucking pheasants. You should be paying for my massages. I have got a very stressful job. If I can't be ranked up at your expense, what is the fucking point of being the Duke of fucking talk? The Duke of York you were when you well yes I forgot. But anyway, Richard, yes. Peter Menderson is very bad. And now look I deserve to have I deserve to have massages. Who couldn't their night mind doesn't think that their tax money is best on the eminent massage rather than filling some potholes in a road? What's more important? Well uh you know there is the uh I don't really like you very much. I I think we might uh go back to the studio. Well thank you Richard. I hope the media's light will shine on Teton Anderson, the Prince of Darkness, the two architect of this I wasn't even at any of these places at any of the time When they said I think went to the massage, I was actually watching uh the how is it W not think of it? I was watching uh the uh the Bing the live show of Bing with my children Bing. Yeah. I haven't been on for a while. I think yeah they did a live show with actors and puppets. And I was watching hate puppets, I was watching that. And uh that's why I'm innocent. Okay, well I think we've all had enough of you. Let's um Should put that up there you go. That's Andrew's naked massage at the palace. It's not literally happening there, but that lady there alleges she gave him a massage at the palace. Yeah, Richard, that was very good very good, isn't there? Well I think we showed Peter Manson, didn't we? I think it certainly ain't Prince Andrew there, it's not Prince Andrew. Show Tita Mendelson. Anyway, that's all we got for today. Um We'll be back probably tomorrow with some more uh we'll see. And uh thank you for listening and watching. And you know, enjoy to tell your friends about this if you if you want to. There's um There's also some stuff on Instagram of me uh being a royal correspondent talking about Prince Andrew as I'd Prince Andrew Richard. I love him. I tell ya, if I could w I'd pay him to let you know, it'd be an honour, wouldn't it, to wank off his little royal nub. It would be an honour, Richard. I don't know I feel unhonour. It's tended is this is this suitable for newsround for children? Well, they have to know. They have to learn. Thank you very much. We've very much enjoyed doing the show today. Hope you have too. We're gonna go. Alright, goodbye. Got news round. SPC2 now, it's adults only, as Oliver Postgate will be nogging the nog on SPC one. However, it's time for newsround. Why are you doing that one? Why are you pretending to talk you gotta pretend to talk then? Why do you have to do that? It's just what you have to do on the news. It's not even a that's just a book. That's not a load of papers. And that's what you just have to do on the news. Hello, welcome to sorry about that. This is live, of course. Welcome to there are sometimes little mistakes happen when it's live. Welcome to Rich and Ali's Craven newsround. It's the twenty fifth of february, twenty twenty six. I think it's uh Wednesday. Do you know? Uh uh my researchers have not uh given me that piece of information. And uh we are here with all the news. I'm Richard Herring, you may remember me. I was on Nevermind the Full Stops, the grammar based panel show with the bloke from Downton Abbey on it. And also this is my uh hundred and thirty four year old venture quiz dummy, Ali Slaughter. Hello, I'm Chiki Me. Oh, you've got the right fucking strings the ones uh I'm thinking at it. Yeah, I am and literally linking at it. Do you remember when your eye used to be permanently closed? Yeah that joke's ruined now, thanks, Richard I said. What a trick. Don't be read about Richard, he's very nice. Uh and also Sitten Dodra I'd also like to say just get it over with Just get it out of the way early, that's what I'd like to say. You remember your own catch? Just get it out of the way early. That's new catch. Just get it out of the way early as night. No one likes to sing trees. Just get out of the way early. I don't think that one's gonna catch on. You're all we doing on the playground tomorrow. Please don't go to playgrounds. Um it's Especially my fans. It's not something it's not a good look uh for me. Anyway, uh we are doing all the news that the lame stream media will not touch, will not cover, or will cover in lying and wrong ways, because we are the main Very Pacific Ocean, big Pacific Ocean media. That's what we are. And uh we will give you the news as it happens. Nothing will stop us. You were off for day last last week. You're off uh Well that's not my fault. John Craven never took a holiday, did he? I well no, he was always ready to go, Well, you know, you've got the is he's gonna do this job you have to do it every day. Well, I'll do my best. But anyway, you may have seen on the grown up news that uh Why is it not working? There it is. Um that uh it's the it's the uh state Trump State of the Union. It's the longest state of the union speech ever. I think about one hour fifty minutes. Shall we do one hour fifty minutes today? Yeah, we could do. Um and uh It's a long, long speech, isn't it? That's a long time Yeah, it's all right to do a long speech like that when you're the one wearing the Nathie, isn't it, Rich? I guess it is. Uh I mean uh I just the worst thing about it for me is those two pricks behind him. Um I mean, you know, I wouldn't like to see anyone swinging from a lamp a lamp post, but Those guys come close. Uh them and Mussolini. I wouldn't like to see Mussolini doing it. That's how uh that's how much I don't like it, but if it has to happen That's all I would say. You'll never get to go to America now, Richard. Well I'm not gonna go to America while these pricks are in charge, so there's no danger that What if you get a job in America. Okay, yeah. Um I love President Trump. Do you think Homel Security are watching this thing, Rich? They love it. They love it. They love little they love the Antillo Cus and Homeland Security. Anyway, the uh State of the Union, there are there have been some fast fact checking of uh President Clump's President Clump that's good, it was actually an accident. Let's call him President Clump from now 'cause he's his face is all clumped up in his nappy. And we don't know if he wears a nappy. We don't know that for sure. Well he just shits himself. If not you maybe just sh look, if the president if you can't shit yourself when the president of the United States in a room full of people, when can you shit yourself? I'd say never shit yourself. Well I'd say he's earned the right, if he wants to, to not have to go to the toilet. If he feels the need to go to the toilet, let him go in his pants, and his big white pants. Well they're brown now. And um And and that anyone who's standing behind him can just take the repercussions. Look at those fellas. They love it, don't they? I can't get enough of his chit filled underwear. Is this the kids this show? Yeah, this is for kids, this show. So anyway, according to the Guardian I've been looking at, uh Trump uh repeatedly tout lame stream media. It's the very lame stream media as well. The woke, isn't it? It's woke. We're not woke we are woke we're whatever is the right thing to be at the moment. Whatever you're if you're homeland security, we're on your side. If you're a willy liberal guardian reader, guardinista, we're on your side. If you're super woke and think everyone's equal And should be treated as if they're equal. It's ridiculous. Some people are pricks. Yeah, I think they I think they admit, I think even the woke people admit some people are pricks, but you have to work out who the pricks are. You can't just say I'm gonna decide all that group of people are pricks based on their gender or or their sexuality or their skin colour. I mean it's sort of and it's it's it's too much work, isn't it? I mean I I would say being racist or sexist or homophobic or transphobic is just lazy, because you can't be bothered to work out which ones are the pricks and you just say all of them are pricks. And that it's clearly not true. And I think, you know have a look in the mirror if you're one of those guys. That's what I would say. Oh, you're really right, on Richard. I'm really kind of playing. But also fascism's great and you know, that's whatever you think, that's what I think as well. So do keep watching. Anyway, the uh he uh you're very good at this, Richard. I'm an e I'm excellent at this newsrounding. So the uh some of the things that Trump said that aren't true. He says we're the hottest country anywhere in the world. That will be the global warning and the coal nines and stuff, and it Well yeah, he doesn't like uh doesn't like um Uh to have clean energy, so that might be why they're the hottest country. Uh he says uh well below he's got um he says there's more jobs, but in fact that's not true. He says that uh they've they've secured 18 trillion pounds in investment and money's pouring in from all over the globe. But CNN says that the vagamounts promise that that's vague amounts promise rather than actual investment. So I mean he's just up there for one hour, forty minutes. I'm I someone should work out how much of that one hour forty minutes uh was maybe longer than that. Um one hour forty one minutes is well Rich, I'm glad you clarified that. Well I like to get the facts correct on this show. One hour forty one, unlike uh President Trump Uh it'd be interesting to find out how many minutes he was saying stuff that was actually true. Uh, but uh he says immigrants are responsible for m most murders in America, but apparently that's not true that uh US born citizens are more twice as likely to be arrested for violent crimes and two point five more times more likely to be arrested for drug crimes. Also, you know I mean he's done a few he's been involved, hasn't he? He's been involved in a few violent crimes. Uh all his p his people have. Um and also I think all the people who tried to shoot him have all been American as well. So you know, I think he should have a re-look at that. Um, I went to hospital yesterday and I think everybody who treated me certainly was from families that would have been immigrants to this country at some point. Uh I'd like to see how the NHS and h and anywhere in the world would fare without the very hard working people who come to the countries trying to better themselves and aren't that interested in committing violent crimes. Uh anyway, that's just uh that's very woke of the original. Also I don't like immigrants if you're if if you are on the other side. I don't I I agree with whatever you think. Um, to just listen to whatever you want to hear and ignore the bits that you don't agree with. Please watch the show. It's I don't think it works. I think you have to take a stand. Um I think talk less, smile more, that's my advice. You've been listening to a lot of Hamilton, haven't you? I've been forced to Talk less. Smile more. Is that really it? That's what you have to do to be a good politician. Um so energy says it's come down, it's gone up. Gas prices have come down, his prices are incorrect. He says he's he's stopped eight wars. in the first ten months of his presidency. Uh but uh it's the US has been part of six peace agreements and several of those do not credit Trump specifically. Others were not considered wars to begin with. He was involved in efforts to broker a ceasefire in Gaza, um but uh Israel has continued to kill Palestinian Palestinian civilians and carry airstrikes since last October's truce was announced. So I'm not sure he's he has got a Nobel Peace Prize. He has got that, Richard, hasn't he? So You know, you can't really argue with the facts he's got a Nobel three spies. So it must be true. Um well you know it's it's kinda crazy to me that uh this is allowed to happen that no one sort of stops it and no one steps in and says, you know, people are cheering rather than step in and saying, Shall we just to dial it down a little bit? Or uh is uh can we have a fact checker in just to s to say it's the president of the United States. But to talk about this we've got a very special correspondent coming in, um, he's coming in to talk about it. Uh Here we go. Let's we're handing heading over now to uh looks like Mount oh so I'm in there as well. How do I get in there? There was a little glitch there. We're heading over now to what looks like Mount Olympus. Who's who's there? Hello Rigid! Hello Igni! The king of the world is the king of the world it that and A king of the world. And the king of the world. I mean let's not do the song because this is a new song. And the king of the world! Don't mess with me, Cat and the King of the World, and what is not and the King of the World. And the King of the World Yeah, it's the king of the world here. Um we're here to discuss uh Donald Trump in America. He died Donald Trump didn't charge of the Nerca, America's part of the world, and I and the King of the World. So all of the chinants of the Nerca, the nine chin that's the dead to me, the king Uh the world and then the and the king of the world and the best king of the world Well the only king of the world Yeah and the less one then the last king of the world that guy was terrible He couldn't king the world at all the world was in a nest the War Wars Since I come then to be King of the world and the King of the world by the way don't look at me over here you're we're talking on the camera Okay Uh And the king of the world, by the way, if no one if anyone's just tuned in. I don't know if people tune in. If you just tuned in, I am the king of the world. I'm the best king of the world. And then the last king of the world. E nit soon then in the stakes. And the night king of the world ship. I mean we're talking about you, yeah. We're talking about me, not trying, isn't that the king of the world, is he? Why was your hand coming into shot? Don't listen to that, Richard. And so Tell I can reach across and hit you. Uh, see, ah wow, that is impressive. Are you on Mount Olympus? That's where I live, Rich, because I'm the king of the world. That's where the king of the world lives. Na Delinus I don't get much of the say in this Well no no one's getting much of a say I'm the king of the world, you shut up you fucking pheasants And the king of the world. Well have we get have some very aggressive guests and arrow aggress uh uh Guests on the show, very entitled And entitled Richard. And the King of the World. That's what you get when you're King of the World. Look. Under now Kingship of the world, the whole world. Let's have a look at my achievements. There is no poverty in the world and not inside the king. King of the world. There was no it was all poverty before. Now I'm the king of the world. Poverty is gone. I'm not sure that's there's quite the ac the economy seems to be worse. There's no poverty. There is no disease since I'm the king king of the world. When did you become king of the world? I have always been the king of the world. She said there was not well a long time Longer than anyone can remember than the king of the world. And when I wasn't the king of the world, that wasn't that thought. Were you the king of the world when COVID happened? Yeah, I was. That did not happen. There was no COVID. Cause I, the King of the World, stuck it with my brilliant leadership. And Covid where's Covid now, Richard. Well there's I mean it's been cured by Doctor Has it, Richard. No it has not. The king of the world stuck Covid and also Covid never existed in the first place. That's how good I am that being king of the world. Uh trade with other planets has gone uh up ten thousand percent since I'm the king the king of the world well what from zero It's gone up infinity per cent rich. You said ten thousand Yeah. Just check the figures again It's gonna well cause and you know, anything. Anything over naught, I mean it's gonna be you can't really have the percentage of naught, can you so any if he if it's gone up one if you sold one thing that's infinity percent, is that right? It I am the king of the world, if you didn't know. Also And a nice stewardship of the world There are now hardly any pedophile islands in the world. Rich hardly any. Yeah, there's hardly any rich didn't they all gone. Thanks to the Well that can't you that we surely just no pedophile islands is the correct No, Richard, you can't expect too much you can't expect too much of the king of the world. got rid of most of the theetophal islands, then you gotta have a couple of thethal islands just for the you know, the people who need to go up to an island that are sustained and the king of the world and I can do what I want. And you do you go to the Petfal Islands? If you look at the Files It says King of the redacted and there's no way of knowing who that person is the king of or it says redacted of the world. That could be anything, that could be news of the world, that could be anything. And that in the files that you 'cause I am the king of the world and a Hadid New Jessie Etsy. And I only did some territory deals within for the good of the world. For the good of the world, yeah, 'cause I'm the king of the world. All right, I think we've got the satire there. That was very good. Well, congratulations to everyone involved in that. They must feel very pleased themselves. Anyway. I think we've done enough. Fifteen minutes, it's too long. Uh, thank you very much for tuning in to Newsround. That was uh the King of the Well. This is Ali Sloth. I hardly got to say anything. You got to say your catchphrase. Just get it on the what is it? Get just get it out of the way early. I just don't think that's gonna Just get it out the way, Ellie! I sit on it, the other Sit on it. See, don't make the king of the world. Don't be rude to the king of the world. I think he's quite powerful. Thank you for listening. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time on the Rich and Alley's Craven News Round. Oh hold on, I'm gonna do this. Let's do the thing where we talk to each other. I don't really think we shouldn't we just actually talk 'cause we look like we're just having a conversation. That was good news, wasn't it? That's what we sort of pretend people would imagine going, that was good news, wasn't it? That was good news, yeah. Is that what I'm gonna do? Yeah, but just don't say anything. Just too thick. Thanks for watching, bye. On SPC two now, it's the Jerry Adams family. Jerry Adams voice will be played by an actor. Here on SPC one, it's Rich and Ali's Craven Newsround. Just get it out of the way early! No one's saying that. You're all singing the flagrant tomorrow. They might say that, but they're not gonna say just get it out of the way early. I'm chicken. Woohoo! I'm thinking at it. And also certainly rather uh no one likes the same drays. There must have been more rich. There must have been more in the past, but that's all we've got now. Welcome to Rich and Ali's Caravan newsround. Very cowardly newsround we have here. I think it's the bravest news round there is in the world. It's probably the bravest news round there is. It's the bravest news source in the world, Richard. We're the only ones who dare tell the truth. Well tell you the truth, yes, and today we are covering a story that many outlets have been uh too scared to cover the the BBC the the D C no the BBC. D Cun no the b well I don't know if they're covering it with the BBC. I am saying the D D C the the D D D' D D C The D D C the Deutschland Direct Communication Ninja Uh the D D C you know and all that rather sh oh the BBC yep the BBC have covered this. You may have seen on the grown ups news on the BBC uh that um Here it comes in a minute, if the button works. Sperm swim more quickly in the summer, study finds. It's the dig news. We just do the dig news here on the newsround. The big news is that sperm swim more quickly in the summer, study finds sperm quality is highest in the summer and lowest in the winter, according to a new study. The findings show that spermity the ability of sperm to swim effectively, if you didn't know what sperm mobility was. If I know what fucking sperm mobility is, was consistently highest in June and July for both parts of the world. It's not even a Sunday winter thing. It's June, July. That's when your boys are really moving. If you have the boys Or if you encounter any of the boys the boys I mean uh uh seeing Who did this research, Richard? That's all I want to know. Why is Jerry wanking into that test tube? Oh he's trying to test the nobility of Stern in just months. Why is he gonna do that every month? He's gonna do every month. He's gotta wank into that test tube right here in the science motority, we're testing those things. Why does he need to know? No you're doing two parts, he's only doing two different voices. Why does he need to know? 'Cause 'cause it's not to night in night matter What month? The slurm moves quicker than other months. Who wants to know that? Loads of people want to know leave Jerry alone, let him carry on. He's got a link into that test tube. It's very important research. We have to find out when S the most Have you got any indication they might move faster in different months? Well we won't find out unless Jerry gets on with it, does it well should it should just be more than just Jerry? Maybe he's got lazy slum when it comes to July. They go on hot on the holiday, maybe that's it. Well yeah, can I join in with it? No, it's only undoing the I don't need you, I'm doing those voices. Everyone says it was best when it was just me and you and on it. I don't think those people necessarily really comp comprehend what's going on in this uh She think it's best. It's best without you. It should just be me and sometimes the king of the word. You do an impression. I can do a good impression, you ain't. It's a good impression. Can do lots of impressions. I could do cocky carrot. I Oh, did somebody say cocky carrot then? I can do Henry Hitler, the goaling do these. Yeah, that's quite uh those are quite good impressions. I'm quite impressed. You should probably do an impression show rather than a You said back to the new story, Richard, it's important we cut the news story. So what's going on? Why is he Well look it's important they decided these are guys um they're from UK, Canada and demos and this these are all over the world. Win into test shoes, trying to find out what month move slightly quicker than usual. That's what's happening. Fifteen thousand five hundred and eighty one men. Someone got five thousand f five hundred and eighty one men to ejaculate at least twelve times, Richard. They must have done it every day, really, to make it there. Uh and they were aged between eighteen and forty five. Yeah, they don't need anyone over forty five, do they, Richard? How how quickly are you moving at the moment? I mean they're not qu they're not quick anymore. They're uh there's only half the number Well I know I think lefty's picked up the the pace, but they are s they're sluggish, I have to say. Even just on exiting uh the uh the Genital area. That's very well done nice youthness in Richard there. They crawl up You've done this already, and then you're you've done this bit anyway, then get to the top. Then often they go oh slide back down again like the it's in spider. That's what they're that's what my sperm are like. They've got eight legs. Some of them have got eight tails. Most of them are just bumping into each other. Thank goodness there will be no more herring progeny. But uh yeah, I don't th look they these scientists, these nastinators, these men nastinating, all these men who just love getting sperm sent in vials from all over the who the why is no one questioning that's the the mainstream media it should just accept oh yeah, oh they sperm swimming stuff. In the winter in June and July they go fast again. Oh just accept that. July and August, isn't it? No, it's June and July, you listen to your own fucking Yeah, you're right, you're right. I don't know why I questioned it. It's mine the best one in this. You just leave it in the Irish. No one's questioning why they did it. Why did they even start the experiment? It's insane. They're getting swung sent to them through all over the world. And then they get off on that and then they get off on seeing it printed up. We're just fucking helping them, Rich. Those scientists are watching this. Well it might increase the views for the podcast if scient the scientists they're watching this going, ah, there it is, there's our swunk on the telly again. It's not exactly the telly. We did it, we got all the spunk we got us, we wank we did some lanking ourselves, we got some other mental lank, and then they sent us the spunk, and now we've got the DDC talking about the spunk we got. And now it there's a there's a hundred and thirty-four year old venturequist Oh god, there's no spunk for your sample, that's just too much. Do you think someone think any of the scientists involved in this study are sexually aroused by the idea of a hundred and thirty four year old Venturiquist dummy Talking about the course they are, it should why do you think they did it? There's no it's the University of Manchester's Professor Alan Tacy. I'm talking about you. Don't naturally name him Alan Tacy. Oh yeah, well that's a name, isn't it? How pacey he thought Oh, let's find out how pacey our MySpunk is. He's put his own in there. He probably hasn't. He said we were struck by how similar the seasonal pattern was in two different completely different climates. So it's fucking meaningless, isn't it? So it's it doesn't matter which hennaphere you're in. The it's still June July, June and July. So what does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. It's not winter or summer, it's just those particular months. So if you wonder if you want a slightly better chance of getting intregated, have sex in June or July. Nonsense, Richard. Otherwise, look where would it be? June, July, August, September, October. Why are you moving your fingers? January, Third. You'd have fucking loads of things all on in Tedry and not, didn't you? Where are they? Well my broth it's my brother's birthday today, yeah. It's my nephew's birthday in two days' time. It's my daughter's birthday on the tenth. Oh, is it your that it was your daughter's third, was it? But just uh moving more quickly. I don't want to talk about that. That's not the appropriate thing to talk about on the that might be right. It came through with the other one's October, so that doesn't make any sense, doesn't it? I'm July. That doesn't mean people are born all through the year. This whole thing is just Alan Thacy, Doctor Alan Professor Alan Thacy at the University of Manchester. Don't Come on. Don't say anything libeless about him. He could be a libeless man. Why are you thinking, Alan? It's like all those guys this is don't get into it's like all those guys. You know what I'm going to talk about. I do, I can see where you're going. It's those guys who run sperm clinics and then for people to get babies and then they just use their own spin in there, don't they? And we're not saying Alan Pacey is like those guys at all. This is a very Professor Alan Pacy is a respected academic who just happens to work with sperm in a non salacious way. He just likes that's what he likes doing and you know, could've chosen admittedly could have chosen any subject to go into, but what he's decided to do is to just look at sperm through a microscope all the time. And no one's g no one no one gets turned on by That do they? So that one gets turned on by someone sending them large loads of vials of sper from all over the world. That no one is doing anything with that. That wouldn't be nice at all. Sperm's horrible. So you know I think it's like that in it. Th there's all these scientists they claim to be thinking it out. The good and then kind, don't they? They're putting their own shrunk in the this is n a different issue. That doesn't happen very often in fertility clinics either, Ali it happened so doesn't it? It does some scientists do do that and father all the k their own kids. Uh and I'm sure one or two it's just like occasionally a mortician, people who work in a morgue A cave very occasionally people take that job 'cause they they fancy dead bodies. But most of the people you can't tar everyone with the same brush. Most of the people who do most people who work in mortar trees don't even aren't even hardly even aroused by dead bodies at all. And most people who work in laboratories where there's loads of semen. Um just have an academic interest in um Yeah. What's your excuse? Well I you know, I've I you know I spent most of my life talking about cocks haven't I? Yeah. So th well, Richard, isn't it? Why are you so interested in cocks? 'Cause they're nice. You like cocks. Yeah, I do. Well I think men I do a lot of work, I think, in in helping men cope with their feelings and the things we have to bottle up. Like swunk. Yeah, sometimes spunk. It isn't you should just get off on it. I do not get he does he get off on it. I do not get off on it. I know in there than anyone else, and he gets off on talking about his cock in front of strangers. I do not look but this shouldn't be coming to me. I'm gonna sue you. That would be an interesting court case. If you carry on with this, I'm gonna that that is libelous. That is not true. You can see the amount of work I've done for men's health and men's self esteem, uh and for feminism and equality and everything. I'm a good guy. And I'm not I'm hard you know, this I the number of times I've written cock jokes and got and then thought I'd better have a wank because that was so good, is can be counted on the fingers of one hand. So uh we'll not take this libel. Anyway, Richard, that's all the news we've got time for today. And thank you very much for watching everyone. It's time to go have you on that tomorrow. Who knows? I don't know. Don't know what's going on. Yeah, thank you very much. We'll see you next time. And uh? No, just get on this too long already. I can't believe I was only gonna do it in a quick one. Anyway, let's do the pretending to talk. Yeah we're pretending to talk now. Yeah, and I'm pretending to talk. Why don't we just talk? 'Cause 'cause we we've just been talking about and I think we wanna hear what we've been saying. Okay. It's Mickey on SPC two now. For adult viewers, it's Mickey Delens and his metal Mickey. It's fun for all the family now on SPC one with Rich and Ali's Craven News Round. I'd we're doing it would just count him. Hello, and welcome to Rich and Ali's Craven Newsround. I didn't want to do that bit. Move that ball out of the way. Uh welcome to the show. I'm cheeky me, I'm flea dogging, I'm flea dagging. Oh, you remembered one day reminded me I'm a little drunk. Uh I'm cheeky me. I I'm linking at it. Uh there I go. And uh also sit on it. Herring I would like you to sit on it. She's having a hard time at the moment without you getting involved. Sorry, the but sitting on it to it helped. Do you get through that hard time, I don't agree with that at all. Uh it is. Today is fr Friday, the twenty seventh of February, twenty twenty six. We're here with all the news. The the lame stream media. Doesn't want you to hear about An armor, yeah. They don't want to do need to hear that this did they no. So let's see what we've got in the pan. Today what's your other catchphrase? Uh we'll work it out in the morning. No, it's not that is it? The problem with that catchphrase It's too early to say no. You see you can't like we're throwing away the bit of paper we had it written on it. Um Just get it out of the way early. That's the catchphrase, just get out of the way. Early. Just have your catchphrased. No one likes the same phrase, but you want if you can't remember your own same phrases. then it's very unlikely they're gonna catch on their oh we're doing it in the trade ground tomorrow on Saturday. Yeah, they'll go to s some trendy schools and stand in the trade ground and what they'll all say just get get uh I can't I have to look at it. Even I it's your catchphrase, even I have to look at it. Just get out of the way early. They'll be doing the fragrant and that they do they like that one. And free hugging and the rendering. I know singing this is a newsround we don't do singing on newsround unless there is some singing in the news. That is the only time we can do singing. Um you may have seen on the grown ups news that uh the Green Party is when the Golden and Simpson by election with Labour pushed into Third place. This is um this is incredible news, isn't it? This is uh it's there ain't that you kick in the face for uh Kastana, I call in Kirstarner 'cause it's his name. Yeah. Cirstana It's not Goodwin. Yeah, I call him uh not a reasonable result given the popularity of his thought. Though he did not win he did quite well That's a it's a good satire of the uh well the winner is of course um the the plumbing lady Hannah Someone You really should look that up, you thought and I thought I'd remember it. Is it written in there? I mean it should be written on there, shouldn't it? It says Scot the Golden and Simpson by election. Why doesn't it say you who won? I said look it up, I'll I'll cover while you look it up Yes, it's an incredible results of the Green Party. Hard to remember red voy a man who can hypnotize women to make their boobs bigger, and that is I think why he's got so So many Hold on, I'm just trying to find the just find it's got so in the name of Hannah Spencer. Mm Detty. You do you trying to get more impressions in Mm Detty Don't do Frank Spencer's, that's the most obvious one. To do do one of the you could do Kia Starmer later. I'll try Kia Starmer later on. Um she's a plumber. She's also trained to be a plaster in plaster in the last couple of weeks. 'Cause she gets things done. I like her. I like her a lot. I'm very pleased uh that this result has happened. You know, I'm gonna say that oh, I yeah, I maintain uh my U unanimity, is that the word? That is the word, it's unanimity. And uh I'm you know, it's uh I'm neither glad nor sad that the Tories got seven hundred and six votes. Uh five hundred and forty seven votes more than the Monster Raven Looney party there for the to to the Tories. So I think uh Kami Badanock you know I call her yeah Kenny Kenny not very good enough. Well she just call Kami Badanok, you don't need to change. Stop trying to do funny names for all the politicians. John, they just you know what I call him? It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not in in it anymore, is he? Nagret Batcher, I call him Nagret Milk Snatcher. We de this is a family prone this isn't Mickey De Lens and his metal Mickey, and don't turn over to watch that even though it sounds exciting I'd like to be watching his metal Mickey now. Uh we are going over to Downing Street to talk to Uh the current Prime Minister c currently the Prime Minister as we record this, who is coming out to give us an interview to see what he thinks about how things have gone. There is Downing Street. We were all there temporarily, weren't we? And here comes C Starman now. There he is. Oh showing his uh nudity a little bit there. Oh and oh dear. Oh nearly gave away the magical illusion there. Don't think anyone noticed. It's uh could edit this bit out. We won't no we won't. There he is, Keir Starmer, who uh disappearing into the background. You can see his little thing. Why is it so bad? Let's get it right. It's working before, wouldn't it? There we go. Ah his glasses fell off. Everything's going wrong for Keir Starmer today. Let's talk to him now. Oh for fuck's sake. Never work with children or animals or damp rags. Right, here we go. Uh, there we go. Kirstar Hello, Richard, that's me, Kirstana. Why did your forehead move when you talk? It just does, Richard, that's how ah that's how I tell I talk. This is nice. Do you want to do under impression of Kirstar? Hello, I'm Kirstana. I'm a disappearing blue dent rack. You'd think I'd be a red dent rag, wouldn't you? Hey, stop doing an impression with me. Make your forehead move at the same time. I can't make my forehead move I've got botoxed up to the fucking eyeballs here. Look, you've got a chance to talk to me Is it Ali or you? That's the pr that's that's the real threat. I mean I'll stop doing the impression now for the people who listen to the audio version. It was very good. Thank you. Mm Betty. Just like that. Just like that. It's good. I Richard is knee Kiss down that you're literally a damp rag. I'm literally a damp rag that's disappearing into the background. There's my house, ten downing street. How long do you think that's gonna be? Uh Richard, it's just going to be that's better, you got your voice a bit better now. Richard, I am going to be Prime Minister for the foreseeable future. Um and I think this result is a great result for the Labour Party. The Labour Party came third in this. In this Yes, Richard, we did happen to come do you think Andy Burnham would have done better? Andy Burnham could not he was he's busy being a mayor of something or other, I don't know. And also thinking to Town would be in trouble. Don't you think you losing this is gonna you can't really win, can you, Kate? No, Richard. These I had so since I got in On an amazing majority. Yeah, I mean you did got like thirty percent of the vote or something, didn't you? Yeah, an incredible majority of eighty seats I should I have. And I would just like to say that since that time I have been ruthlessly pursuing the The course. Good. You do very well. Thank you. Of copying reform. Try copying all their policies because people love reforms policies. And if Labor have the same policies, then the the people will love Labor. And today night policy has been vindicated. Why's your head moving? I this is how I speak. Don't disable that don't dis Forehead shame me, I've got a disability, I don't my forehead. Some would say you don't through your a different part of your anatomy. He means his anus clever I was doing clever jokes there. He means it Did somebody say election No said election and it was ages ago. Um I I've c successfully copied reform and look reform got twenty eight to seven percent of the vote. So what what this shows to me is people want reform and that what I'm learning from this result, Richard is that we have to be more like reform. to get more reform uh votes. So we'll be doing more anti immigrant stuff, more anti Muslim, right? Just basically racist stuff. We're gonna have more lunatics just in the just gonna get more mad people in the party, people just angry about life, trying to blame any minority they can get their hands on. That's what we're gonna go for surely the surely this result shows that people Well the opposite of that. They want a a party for that things of working people and and working people isn't just, you know, labourers and and p it's uh we're all I'm here, w you working, Richard I'm working here. You know, I'm a working person. Everyone works, we want to like Hannah As Frank Spencer said, we want to just be able to afford things, work hard and afford things, and that's what you should be doing. As a Labour Party, you should be thinking about the working person, not the billionaires, not the racists. Richard I am choosing my way am I Prime Minister or are you Prime Minister? Well I mean neither of us are going to be Prime Minister soon I don't think so I I think you're the good as Prime Minister, which I don't I don't want I don't want to do the the job. Well, Richard, I've said my say Now I've given a lot of time to the news round here given how important I am. No one else wants to talk to you, do they? 'Cause you look a bit like an elephant today. I do not look like an elephant, Richard. I am the hu I'm not a elephant. I'm a human being. I'm Kirstana. The Labour Party harma that's what you should call him. That's good. He came up with a better one than you. Yeah, it's good. Oh, Star. Don't do an impression of it be confusing for the audio listeners. Right, Richard, we'll continue with our policy or trying to be more reform than reform. And I think you'll find at the next general election, which is the only one that counts, that Labour will do very well. Do you think you'll beat the Monster Root m raving Looney Party? Yeah, I think we'll beat them. I think we'll beat uh Jeremy Corbyn's party, whatever that's called. I'm not sure. Not even sure about that anymore. Um I just think maybe go back to like look looking out for people going back into the EU. I think just people are gonna vote ta and you know, I don't wanna help you, Kir, because I don't I don't think you're very good. Don't you think people I mean if if reform got in after Brexit, wouldn't that be it would be a fa it would be a travesty, Richard, that that is why we are going to cut all ties with Europe that we get in the next time. No, do that all Don't be the same people who won that will vote for reform. They won't they'll vote for lever. They I know what I'm doing, it I and Kistana. Look at my glasses, look at my finger puffing out my head, yeah, that's disturbing. And uh this is a great day to lever, a great result to lever and I think you should be talking to Kimmy Badinuk.