Emergency questions and final reflections

Hello, monkey fiddlers. It's me, Richard Herring. Thank you for downloading my podcast. Please keep listening if you can. Uh the big news is uh twentieth of April, Leicester Square Theatre, one of the guests has been announced. It's Natasha Hodgson. Uh one of the geniuses behind and in front of Operation Mince Meat the musical. Sorry, my cat's running around the kitchen making a ringing sound, hope that's not disturbing you. Um once the Operation Mince Meat fans hear about this, it's gonna sell fast, so Get your tickets now, go to Rich Charring.com slash Ralisterper, and you can see all the dates. There's a couple in July as well. I'm doing uh Rick Mail Festival as well, but that is sold out. Um become a badger at go foster strike dot com slash badges if you want to Help us continue to make these bloody things. Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy another episode of one of my podcasts, you little fiddly monkey fiddler. Stop ringing those bells Hello Lester! Welcome to the Y Theatre! Please welcome a man who has been hanging around in public toilets. It's Richard Herry! Oh thank you. Oh you're much better than last week's audience. Thank you for coming. Welcome to the show. This is uh uh uh Richard Herring's uh Lester Y theatre podcast. I was talking to Jojo Silwa, my friend Jojo Silwa. The uh she's like a personality, a singer and stuff. She looks like she's about five years old, but she's an adult, apparently. She calls it Rahala. Rahalaya I got it wrong. Rahalayatapa. Rahalayatapa that's what she calls it. So I was going to talk about I was in a public toilet the other day. I went into public toil and uh the lid was closed on the public toilet as I walked in, which is y that's usually a bad sign, right? When you're going to public toilet and the l you don't know what's going to be in there. You can only hope that the previous occupant knew about the thing if you flush a public toilet it shoots effluent back at you. That's your best hope. But otherwise you basically don't know what you're gonna f find when you lift that lid. It's like Pandora's bog. You're gonna You're going to be greeted with something unimaginably awful. It's like an anti Christmas present, isn't it? But you can still be very surprised. I'm fifty old and sometimes I've left it a little something that I was not expecting. have to say. But I opened uh the lid 'cause I had to go to the toilet, uh and it was actually completely clean of all effluent. It was amazing. And I thought have I been punked here? Someone This is a low grade punking, someone's just Shut the lid 'cause they know that it'll get into the mind of the next Person. It's not a very good punk, but it's psychologically damaging, isn't it? But um but then I thought then I I thought it could it could be that, you know, this y you've punked someone, you I'm the punkie, it's a good punk. But then I realised uh that when I use the toilet, the f when you lift the lid, the flush was right behind The lid. So you had to put the lid down to flush it. So it was actually I was being punked by the person who invented that toilet. That was it was a long term thing. It's a nice one because you're fooled, you feel like an idiot, but then you go, ha ha, gonna get the next person. Next person who comes in here. Unfortunately, I was I was waiting for my car to be fixed and I went in about four or five times, and no one else went in between, and it got me every time. Anyway. When what's the worst thing you've seen in a public toilet? That could be a new Emergency question. You've lifted the lid. I mean sometimes it's not even there's not even a lid, is there? Just sometimes it's just there. Sometimes you've been responsible yourself, haven't you? Anyway, my guest this week is probably best known for being Simon from the tackle shop in Poppy. That's why we're all here today. Same please welcome Rob Orton, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is, Simon. From the tackle shot. Yeah. Hi Rob. How you doing Do a lot of people recognize you as Simon from the tackle shop from Poppy? I don't think that is right. It's on your IMDB page. Oh yeah. Yeah there you go. I like it when the person themselves doesn't remember that that's how good I am at choosing. Northampton where I was last night, actually. It was good, yeah. Amy Gladhill was in that as well. And uh when I saw Amy Actin, I was like, Whoa, God, you're God Actin. She is good. She's in your show. I saw her in Amy Gladi's show. Yeah, yeah, she was in my time show. Absolutely brilliant. What's the worst thing you've ever found in a public toilet that you've gone into use? One new emergency question. I've just thought it up. Public toilet. I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about this. But here we are. I You were I I I went to the toilet through there, right? And um It was bad. I had a bad time. I didn't have anything to eat yesterday and I went to P and ate loads of stuff. And I I can't believe I'm saying this. Shall I? Yeah. This is this is the start and because. Anyway, it was awful and you Thoughts you need to go to the toilet after me, because I heard you saying, Oh yeah, there's only one toilet and I was like, oh my God, this is terrible. And I was cleaning the toilet with the toilet brush. Yeah. Who went up and landed on the end of my nose. That happened today. Well that's a matter Well I love it when the answer is something that's happened two minutes ago, which also happened in Fatih. That's never happened to me before. Well this isn't ideal. You've wiped it off though now. So it's all right. Yeah, well I I washed all my face, I took all my clothes off a full body wash. Well I'm glad uh I'm glad and also you frightened Fatty who thought you were a joke uh a ghost, a a joke, a joke ghost. She thought you were a ghost. Have you ever been mistaken for a ghost before? Does anyone know who uh has anyone seen me before in there? Yeah. Did anyone come specifically to see Rob? No ticket sales. You still get paid. You get paid as if you'd sold some tickets. Yeah, well that's it, you see. But no I had a uh Inkling. The lovely thing about this show is it introduces people to comedians that they should know. I think it's very it's look, you have been doing stand up comedy for what, fifteen years? More than that? You've done something like twelve one man shows, is it more than that? And there are like amazingly inventive poetry, books, podcasts. It's insane that there's people out there doing the kind of work you're doing which is very good, and for that long length of time, and most people are not going to know who you are. That's insane. But there's loads of people like that. No. Well what can you do apart from keep going? You're allowed to stop. Yeah. You're allowed to stop. You can stop. I'm not allowed to stop. You'd get to a point where you can't stop. There's so many so many Edinburghers I'd be halfway through Edinburgh thinking I'm really gonna give this thing up. Well do you know what you can't I was listening I remembered listening to you on the one of these it was quite a while ago now, and it said you said which interview it was, but you said that you've been to Edinburgh eighteen times, which means you've spent eighteen months of your life in Edinburgh. And I was like, Whoa, that's a long time to be up there. Yeah. And I've done Yeah I've done thirteen now. Yeah been up there. More than a year. More than a year, yeah. One more month. This is my this year coming up this year is my twenty sixth time I've gone to the Edin Fringe. I haven't done a month every time. So it's still it's still basically two years now. I've been cut that a bit about me having poo on my phone. I think that's gonna be the highlight of the I think we might cut everything else apart from that. Might just have me going, well I think we we better end it there. You said is it no one to see Rob and not one person thought oh I'm gonna be charitable. Did anyone buy tickets because they couldn't get in to see Stephen Fry and there was nothing else to do? That's all right, that's quite as good. Would anyone prefer to have gone to see Stephen Fry than this? Wow. Mine that's like a cult, isn't it? Rob I love this certain though. It's lovely, isn't it? No I'm just looking for um the fire accent. Can you see a fire exit sign from where you are? Okay. No, I'm just saying look, if I nothing makes sense in the world, if fire safety advice is to stay calm and don't run, why is the person on the fire exit sign absolutely legal? Not us in my show that I'm doing here on Wednesday, and there's still some seats up there which you can buy. Yeah. Well you've that's all right. If you're if you're only selling up there, then you're doing better than I am. No well I've said I don't want anyone to honor. Only up there. It's Planet of the H I like it when it's a balcony and you can pretend you're in Pan Planet the H. So that would be good. So Rob that is literally all I've got for you. No we're uh Oh no could you you you asked me about being Simon. I was um I played a person called Skip. Yes. Yes, I was going to talk about this. Oh were you? Yeah. Tell me about the marching powder. Marching powder is a film with Danny Dyer in it, right? Yeah. Has anyone seen it? Did you like it? Uh no, that was great. And um I was playing the thing is when you I've got quite long hair and a beard for the listeners and uh thing is when you look like that you get cast for to be like homeless people most of the time. And uh or like crazy people. And um I got uh cast to bid this person skip and my the first line was uh uh spare some change, please, mate. Like that, right? And he's like I promise I'm not on drugs. And Danny dies like You sure? And I said Well, might be a little double. And then he gives me some jokes. And then there's a few more lines after that. And anyway, on the lead up to the shoot, I saw that Donny Dyer was getting packed, 'cause they were shooting it in Dagenham. And um the day of the filming, you know, sometimes on film sets they have like uh almost like safe houses where the where the cast can go. And it was um just someone who was on on who lived on the road near the Italian restaurant and uh it turned out this l this lady knew Danny died from school. She was like, Oh right, Danny, you remember me He's like no bad I don't uh anyway, then they he was like oh yeah yeah yeah anyway, there was this dog at the window, uh it was a m one of the biggest dogs I've ever seen, and there was all all the window was covered in like scratch marks. And they had CCTV everywhere. And um it was really nice and I'm very grateful to them for putting us up in that but um this dog was called Carnage, right? Shout out to Carnage. Anyway, on the lead up to filming, I saw that it was getting packed and uh I thought hey I might I might be in I've got some scenes with Donny Dyer, I might be in the newspaper. And uh on the day of our filming, I saw this guy with a long lens camera and I was like, Oh yes, this is it, I'm gonna be in the paper. And a few days later there was a picture of me and Danny Dyer. doing our scene. And um I was like oh it's me, look. And it said um during filming Danu Dai was pictured with a homeless person outside. outside the restaurant. I was playing a part. I've been in a film with Danny Dyer. I only realised this week, actually, I've been in a film with Danny Dyer, because the film never got put out. Someone sent me it's called it's a film that's it's a very weird film that I did a f a long time ago, just in terms of it was sort of mentioned on film Jonathan Ross mentioned on film whatever it was. It was called Manila Envelope for a bit and then it was called the Battersea Ripper. And you can find there's a trailer for it. Then someone sent me the said I've managed to find the film. They sent me the film. Uh Janny Dyes in it, Denise Van Aunt, lots of De Dexter Fletcher, uh Sylvester McCoy. I've been cut out of the film that didn't even get put out. The film never got put out. He sent me and I said, You know I'm not in it. He said, Oh sorry, it's a bit embarrassing. I'm not even in the on the trailer it says Richard Herring's in the thing and then the between doing the trailer and making the film. They've cut me out of it. So you made it to the trailer. But there we go. But and Fatty's been in something, so there we go, we've all got something in converted like most films I've been in. It's like I make it up. I've done so many films going, yeah, I was in this film and then another comes out and people go. Yeah, I went to the cinema to see it with um. My mate, yeah. There's six six of us in there. And did you go around? Did they all cheer when you came on? Yeah. And did the the other people in the cinema look right? No, there was si there was literally the six of us. There was no one else in the cinema. It was at the O two. We went to TGR Friday's before. Has anyone been to TGR Friday's recently? Whoa. Don't so you didn't get to go to the premier of marching powder? No, I couldn't. I was doing a gig. I was absolutely gutted. But you can't cancel shows, can you? No not to go to premieres. No. That could have been that could have been was Danny Dye nice to you? Yeah, really nice. We were in a car together and he was going, thing is right, you've got to put some top spin on the words, put some fucking 'Cause he's a brilliant actor that guy, Jesus Christ. And uh yeah, he was really uh generous with his um acting tips and uh it was with Nick Clove as well that you know they did like uh the football factory and the business and all that stuff together and uh Yeah it's great. It was kind of a bit of a naughty set naughty set, you know. Good. I'll ask you an emergency question. Who is the biggest celebrity who's ever come to your show? It's my new emergency question. Um I think you've definitely got at least some, because I've seen you talking about celebrities coming to your show. Who? I think Deborah Meaden came to see the show. That is the biggest one. Yeah, I was absolutely buzzing about that. Who's that? Wicked. I love drug. Comedians and uh Yeah I was do yeah, I can't believe it. W Medley was in there and um I had an idea for a um Like a business idea during that show. And it was part of the show. I was like, Oh I've I've actually got an idea for a business. I said, Oh, Deborah Meadow's in there, everyone. And everyone turned around and I'm like, Whoa. And um and I said yeah, my business idea. I I want to I want to set up a business in Torque doing walking tours where people on the tour are all in touch via portable radios. But I just can't think of a suitable name. Yeah. For the business. And she started getting up out of her seat to come down and have a one-on-one session. And I said no no you're all right, you stay there. I was just um yeah I just wanted to do that joke really. No, she seems really nice, yeah. She's nice. She's been on this show. Really? Good interview? Yeah, it was all right. I think I was a bit well, for me, she was good. I don't think I was that good in that one. I was kind Sometimes I'm slightly nervous with some when it's someone who's When Jonathan Ross did the show, that was a very early one, I was nervous because he was like a proper interviewer. This is a proper celebrity off the TV and you know slightly out of my when it's comedians, I feel I can just take the piss out of them quite a lot. But it's Deborah Meaden, I can't. How many years have you been doing this for, though? Fourteen, I think. The skill set that you you build up over those years. You would imagine. Well, I've read the articles about it. So you know, like you're one of the best interviewers around. So with um Yeah, no, there is. And like my mate Tom Rosenthal, the the uh singer songwriters he's got a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where he just goes and talks to them on a bench. I um doing his podcast. Has anyone ever listened to that podcast? Yeah. It's a good podcast. And um Is that a different Tom Rosenthal than the Friday Night Dinner? It's the other one. He's been doing it a year, and like the difference is like it's just you've just got to oil the he's got at interviews now. But you did it I was listening to your podcast, I listened to the last episode of your podcast because you've done like eight hundred of those. You did a daily podcast. Yeah, the Rob Autumn Daily Podcasts. And I thought this is you know I d I've started doing a daily podcast more or less where I do John Craven's newsround but with me and a 134 year old venture quits dummy, like you would. And mine's very slapdash. I thought it will be a daily podcast, it will be a bit um R, but it would the one I listened to, at least was very high production values and beautiful. And lovely. Do you do that every day? Did you come up with a sort of poetic story? I did uh it was I started it in twenty twenty. Uh so when all the pandemic kicked off that was it was it worked out quite well, actually, because I was doing that. got a microphone at home and was just recording a poem or a story every day and then putting the music with it. And I mean they're only two to maybe fifteen minutes long. But I did it in twenty twenty and I did it in twenty twenty four as well. And uh the best thing about doing that was that um when I have like these ideas that kind of go off in my head. I write them down in my notes folder and I'm like, what where can I put this? I really think that that's worth fleshing out. And that podcast gave home to a lot of those ideas. Ideas such as I thought right, I'm going to bring some of these on because I'm writing a new show. I know you're not meant in progress. Right. See if this is a joke, right? Okay. Yeah. Um Right, she's religious and she likes killing things that are smaller than her. She's uh And he goes well maybe I should say the punchline. She's religious and she likes killing things that are smaller than her. She's a bird of prey. That came from the same place as the Torkey one. It's so difficult to know, isn't it? I think jokes are very difficult. There's an amazing story on the last one of you being a a chef and making uh crabsticks, crab cakes. Oh cab cakes, yeah. Cab cakes is a brilliant story. It's worth listening to just for that one. Um but you were you were won the Dave joke of the fringe. Yep. So you do you know and you are what I like about your show is I watched your show the Time so you you've basically done all these shows which are just the Time Show, the Yellow Show, this I take a subject and this is this is from twenty nineteen, I think the Time Show, but it's but the whole show's up online on your website, which is very generous, but also again be you put it together beautiful and there's lots of extra stuff in there. What else I can say? Oh yeah, so you won uh you won joke the fringe with um uh a joke which I think you know you don't you do poetry and you do all sorts of different things you don't really do loads of onliners. And I wouldn't say that the joke that one joke of the fringe is your best joke. No. It very rarely it very rarely is because I think like even within that show there's a extremely good one liner. Do you want to do it about um Do you want to do it about um bananas? The banana. Do you know what that joke is? Nothing ripens a banana quicker than a rucksack. Yeah. That is the joke of the fringe. What wins Joker of the Fringe are lots of pun. You've done a the joke of the fringe is a nice pun and as the walkie-talkie is a nice. Well that that banana that's just the fact, isn't it? But it's a great joke, and that's just that is much more advertising. Yeah. I don't know if it is this is my problem. I think this is one of my problems. I don't know what's a joke and what's not. So often when I do work in progresses, people laugh and I'm like, oh is that one? Honestly I had to tell Stuart when I w work with Stuart he would often say something and I say put that in your act and he wouldn't know that he'd said something funny. And he'd put it in his act and it would be a good joke. So maybe the best comedians don't know maybe they're just saying stuff and they don't realise that some of it's funny. But I think every now and again like I've got these connects these connec it's almost like two fuse wires going like that in my brain, and every now and I get they spark and I get a joke. Whereas someone like Tim Vine has just got it going. He knows how to do it. So he he he gets that idea of oh that word sounds a bit like that word. I can do this, I can do that, and we're in. Yeah. Whereas I'm just like, Oh that sounds a bit like that. Yeah, that banana ripens really quick. Well it's like me in a closed toilet lid. That did not really work, but I think that's a that's as about as close as observation as I get. It's observation and it's a succinct line line, and it's a you know I think in a rucksack wouldn't necessarily say in a rucksack, but saying in a rucksack is is funny. But your stuff is is very inventive. I say you're a poet as well as a comedian, really, and and your your podcast and your shows are very poetic in nature and thoughtful in nature, and it's it's about I mean there's sort of stuff like that in the show there's a bit about having um I can't quite remember the context of it, but there's you having uh one of those bought those scoops to throw balls to dogs. Yeah and you have ice cream in it. Yeah. And that's you know that's just I love image. It's a funny image, it's not. I like um language and images and trying to put images in people's heads. And I guess that idea was about if I ever got a dog I'd love to get a long handled ice cream long handled ice cream dog ball throwing device and just get some ice cream and go like that and then the dog would go the dog would be like, Oh my God, I love both these. How have you managed to double my enjoyment this much? And then I'm out of and then it's going, Oh my God, and all the dogs are kicking off, and it's like it is this um. Yeah, it's just trying to have these ideas that kind of make me laugh. Like there's another bit in the time show I've going, um I never see a ghost when I'm in a rush. No. Oh I never think I've seen a ghost when I'm in in a rush. When you're bored you kinda get scared, don't you? I think that's big stuff. I think that's a big idea. And I have these ideas I'm like that's Like about someone that might say, uh he's good at what he does. It's like well that's everything then, isn't it? What's he bad at? Stuff he doesn't do. But it's finding these little bit of philosophy. I love the random nature of existence and how uh impossible it is, which I think a lot of your stuff's about. There's really no way we could be here. But I'd I'd love the bit in the time show again, just because I've watched this today, this is why this one's on my mind. We'll talk about your current show in a second. But they're just like scrolling through a calendar on a computer to the future. That's just quite an interesting idea and then thinking, you know even though you know you think what will I do on my hundred and fortieth birthday? But but also, you know, there's days there, aren't there, to come that something's going to happen that we don't know about yet. My favourite app is the calendar app, right? Because it's free. And if you press you know on the phone, if you press back enough times, you can get a full grid of dates on w on one screen. You can scroll quite quickly hundreds and hundreds of years into the future. And I was looking at the year twenty-one thirty-six and I saw that my birthday is going to be on a Monday. And I thought, oh, I probably have to do something on the Saturday. You know. But even that's a great joke, but it also makes you think about the that that the nature of that scroll scrolling forward and thinking, you know, even just like being in the year twenty twenty six and thinking, you know, I had a travel card the other day and when the first time I had travel cards in London it was nineteen eighty eight or something. And suddenly going, Imagine suddenly going, You'll have one of those in twenty twenty six. It would have seemed insane that they would still have it. It's crazy, but I love thinking about things like that that make me think about the kind of mortality and being alive and just kind of the madness of it all and um like I find things funny as well, like I mean stupid things to say, but I do. And um I was walking around uh Peck and Ride the other day and there's a there's a playground and it says um All adults must be accompanied by a child. I just thought of you know because it's always the other way around, don't you? There's a dark undertone to that one though isn't there? If you're an animal on your own, fuck off. The other day I was walking the dog and my son my son came with me and he went to play at the playground and then because I had the dog I couldn't go into the play area. So I was standing outside the playground with a dog just looking and thinking. My son's in there. So you know it's uh it's uh it's a worry in the modern world. Yeah. But yeah no other time show that was good. So what shoes is the response of the festival of punctuality? Is anyone gonna buy a ticket for Wednesday yet? It's good. You must, you should. But it's 'cause it's beautiful something to ruin the it completely, the final line of the time show I'm not going to say it is is outside is having an open day tomorrow. I think it's but that's you know but that's it's brilliant because it's you know those the that's the way of looking at and that is the way of looking at like so much so many of us waste this limited time we have here, and you know we all do a little bit, and it is you know there there is stuff to be done. So it's good. So tell us about the new show because this show is Breaks the format, doesn't it? Is it the first show to break the format of being the something show? Yeah. And then this one's called Can, the story of a monk or can. So it's a story that I wrote about a motivational speaker. And um I just love writing basically. That's what um I love writing and the thing is what I love most about writing is that you can make anything happen. You sit down with a pen and pad and just like go for it. I love that and some of the happiest times I've ever had is just like when you start writing and then You keep going and then you're like, Oh wow, I'm into this, and then everything di kind of disappears and you're like I don't it's just creativity that I don't know, it's it's Um I just love doing it. And uh so this story is about a motivational speaker who is um just a guy who has a very kind of simple way of using language but effective. Like I don't like complicated things. I really struggle with uh difficult plots in films. I lose my way really easily, but uh like the last series of stranger things was just like I don't know what's happening. Um but I enjoyed looking at it and um Uh and all the sets and stuff like that. Uh I like I like simple things that are really complicated, like the sun and the sky and grass and sweet potatoes and all that. But this so the the the character that I've built in this can is like a he can speak to people and motivate them to to do things like motivate his parents to go on holiday and motivate his friends to get married or go for um propose to partners and he um He motivates everyone around him to go and live their lives, and then he finds himself on his own. He's like, Well, what am I going to do now? Well, I'm I want to get into schools, I want to give motivational thoughts in schools, and then and then the adults are seeing a change in their children because uh after school after a few months of my sessions. Parents are asking their kids like, What do you l what did you learn at school today, Rebecca Rebecca? And she goes, impact comes from sustained focus, Mother. Anything else? Yeah? The most important decision you'll ever make is to be in a good mood. Who told you that? Well he didn't say it to me directly, but Voltaire. And and then it kinda grows like that and then he's he he's taught so the adult starts going into offices. And then it he goes online, and then it goes on and I won't give it all away, but he gets to talk to the world leaders. 'Cause I feel like that. I I feel like if I ever got to speak to the world leaders at the moment, I'd just be like Don't spoil it. What are you doing? It doesn't have to be like this. You can you all get together and just kind of just You can change it. You could change it. You could really make a difference to the world. And it's like I don't know. I find it I do I You know, I'm probably too sensitive to a lot of things, but I get really down about I get really upset and disappointed. Like I'm like we get to be here once and there's all this stuff going on. You're like What Wha Why? And um But I'll say that in a funny way. But you know but the fact that you you are hitting on these truths and these philosophical ideas. It is philosophical ideas. I think you know it is it's a big part there. And it is it's finding the beauty in The world I mean you know there's there's a there's a few comedians, I think, that are that are that do that sort of poetry. Ben Moore's great I don't know if you ever saw Ben Moore's chosen Daniel Kitson, obviously there's a few there's a few people who do who do that sort of poetic stuff, but it is very much your own vision of the world. I love the I love the way in you do a special and you put in video extras and bits of you illustrate some of the bits with little sketches and stuff like that. No definitely I mean it is that thing of just trying to follow my instincts and go Well you found that funny. Let's see if anyone else finds it funny as well. And that's the thing, like I'm not trying when I do stand up on stage, it's like I'm not trying to make people laugh. I'm just trying to say I found this funny. I wonder if you'll laugh at it as well. You don't like. In that new bit there, there's like is there anything that's ever been more covered in skin than a worm? See that isn't really that funny, but I think when you could because so many people are doing the same sort of jokes that that other people are doing. So if someone comes up with an observation that is just something that you haven't thought of that's true, or just something that you have thought of but you thought no one else has thought of, it's just it's it's very appealing. And you you know you understand language and you understand. And you know, you're playing a bit of a fool even now in this, I think. Well no, do you know what though that that is it's um that's been trial and error because I've realised that the more open I can be on stage. And the more I think I'm not gonna say that. And just trying to uh commit to the live experience. But when it's the show, the can show is scripted, but it's in two halves. So I do like half an hour of um speaker to the audience well not half an hour of speaker to the audience, but um Stuff from my old shows and then um But last night I was in Northampton and um It was pr it was great because there's a bit in my show when I'm fist bumping the front of the front row and I say um I like people, um, blah blah blah. And then anyway, there was this girl on the end of the front row. And um I put my fist up like that and she she grabbed my hand and she went, Cabbage, but Has anyone seen that? I was like, you've made me forget my next line now. What were you doing there? She was she was like cabbage, you know. It's like it looks like a cabbage. And then she went, come here. What? And then she went like that. Snail and put two fingers on it. And then it was like, all right, well you could come again. And it's just you know those magic moments in shows that you just kind of remember forever. You will remember forever. And I think that that's one of my favorite things about um I don't know, I just gotta I I do every time the Jeopardy of going like waiting to come on in, I was like Okay, here we go, let's try and have fun. And it's like the Jeopardy of it all. And um it's exciting. And um I want to try to stay excited about being on stage because I've been doing it for ages, but um every time I'm like oh yes. I wonder what I could I wonder I wonder what might happen tonight, or I want to try and make the show better. Like it's always this with this new show, it's always the same words. But I've I'm only just kind of coming to terms with the fact that if you do something with your face, it's you can get like 10 times more from an audience, which is I'm only just realizing that and I've been doing it for so long. But like you know it took me a long time. I've done a lot of shows. I've probably done a few more shows, but not many more. But it but you know it would there were tours where I early on where if it wasn't going well I'd sort of bulge bolt through it, and then I thought well no, these people have come, you've got to give them a good show. But it is you start to do it, you think I've got to make it better every time, and you realise there's a hundred things you can be thinking on in every moment. You know, there's you're juggling really. So you've got words, you've got the script, you've got your face, you've got the volume, you've got your pitch, you know, you've got pauses. There's so many things you've got to think about, and you can improve every night you can improve even a bit that's going really, really well. And if the bit's not going very well, you've got to think about why is that not going as well as it should do. And you can change a little thing like that. And it can be just like a a facial expression or something tiny, and it can make it work. Yeah, but it does take a long time to 'cause I think you're so 'cause you are as a comedian you are so wrapped up in going, Oh, people like me, is this gonna work? I've got to do this and you know, so you don't r really relax for a long lot of time. And then when you relax, you can suddenly find Either you're terrible or you know that the things come up. I think that one thing I've found about doing it more and like I I used to read from my um just like bit I'd go on stage with bits of paper. So from the y with the yellow show I had like a copy of the yellow pages with the sky show. I made a newspaper. and uh cut out um all um bits of sky from the newspapers and stuff them down to create a newspaper I actually wanted to look at and called it the sky works better visually. But that I would I would read from bits of paper. And then only the show before last, I learnt it. So I don't have my script anymore. And um I feel almost uh I mean it took me so long to it takes me ages to learn lines and uh most of the time I was just worried about getting the words right, uh remembering the words. And um but I've realized that it just it's just the work. The more it's obvious point, but the more work you put into trying to learn something and make it good, the better it is. I mean shock horror. But it's like I've been walking around Peck'n Roy and Nunhead Cemetery in London so many times getting these words right. And then the best one of the biggest thrills for me is that when you're going through it in your head and then something else comes to you and like, oh that could be funny on on that bit. Yeah and you're like oh yes, and then you try it and it works. And you're like Come on, I've got a I've got another laugh there. And like collecting these laughs, and you're like, yes, I'll take that to the next place, and then it doesn't work, and then you take it to the next place and it does work again. And you're like, I knew it did. But that's the nice thing about doing a tour is that you do get this endless parade of the same show, and you can change it every night. You have to use your script. And you've done the show so much that basically it's like it looks like a medieval document. There's a big hole where you've been holding it. There's the whole paper's faded away for you. So I didn't know whether that was a choice of just uh learning it or just having something interesting degrading prop over time. No, I think that It's almost almost it's like that wasn't a choice at all. It was just that that's where it that's where I was just using that script over and over and over and over again. No, no, no. But it was uh Yeah, I've got though I've got load of them all from the and some of them are in complete bits, like I've put my I've I've used them to death and uh Yeah. Right, I'll ask you an emergency question because people will be upset if we don't get a couple of emergency questions in. I'll ask you an emergency question that came from Leicester. This was from uh talking with uh Jos Norris. Okay, this one came up. If you could like a caterpillar go into a chrysalis and If you could emerge from a chrysalis as anything you wanted to, what would you choose to emerge from the chrysalis as. Yeah, it's not an easy question. No, that is a difficult question, isn't it? But it's tell us a lot about your state of mind, w whatever answer you come up with. I I wonder what I would like. Maybe um A caterpillar again. People would be like. What's happened there? I think being a cap uh being a capital is way better than being a butterfly. I mean the butterfly can fly, but do you know butter I've read this in one of my kids' fact books. Butterfli don't eat anything because they they've got no stomachs. Oh really? So they just fly around until they die. I think that's right. So they don't they can't actually eat. So they can fly. But like a caterpillar can eat what it fucking wants. But they can't see backwards either, so they've never seen their own wings. Really? So they don't even know the fly they don't even know they're flying. They just that the ground. They don't know that their wings look like that. That's a shame, isn't it? They can't eat. They can't eat. They think the ground's just falling away and they are going, Until they die of hunger. Did anyone have an idea what they would Well I bet someone's burning to say what they would. It depends, because it depends on how happy you are. So you do get some very interesting answers to it. Yeah. Do you know where I think my answer came from? It was I saw a clip. of um only falls with horses. When Rodney's going that I'm starting to think he's talking about being a look and he's like I'm starting to think if I was reincarnated I'd come back as myself. It could happen. Right. Let's I'll ask another emergency question. If you are bitten by a radioactive spider man, would you get the powers of a spider, a man, or a spiderman? A man. The problem I have is that Spider Man is bitten by a radioactive spider and the powers he gets are not actually a spider's powers, are they? I mean he can s do webs, but not in the same way as a spider does. And all the other stuff he does is not anything to do with being a spider. I think the radioactivity is doing a lot of the work. If you're bitten by a radioactive man, do you d have the powers of a man? What other insects have been covered in superheroes? Ant man, Spider Man, Batman? Okay. Well I've learned something. It's actually a m a mammal, isn't it? But they haven't really gone any further with any of the animals, have they? I bet somebody has. Which what animal would you like to see? What animal would you like to see. Dogman. Well there is a dogman. Catwoman Catwoman. Catwoman. It's a good idea. Imagine if Elephant Man was a superhero. What he was from Leicester. The elephant man was John Merrick? Really? They're very proud of things in They're very proud of everything that is a skeleton that hasn't been properly buried, but the elephant man is still displayed as a skeleton. They're just obsessed with it. And they w and they claim it as their own, even if it's not for anything to do with them. I think the elephant man might have passed through Leicester. Oh, he's asked now. You're from York. You should be as angry as I am about this. You went to Pocklington School. I was I didn't. My dad was a teacher at Pocklington School and I was born in Pocklington. But I left Pocklington when I was four. Where where it you're from a village near York, which you was in. I'm from Barnby Moor, yeah, which is just two miles from Pocklington, yeah. Did you grow up the whole because I say I left when I was four, so I don't remember much about Pocklington. Right. I've been back to do the Arts Centre a couple of times. Yeah. And I have not seen a statue of Monsieur. I did a gig in the Arts Centre and um on the front row. It was the lady who had um interviewed me for a job at Safeways. Supermarket. And she didn't like me when I worked in the supermarket and she did not like me doing comedy either. Did she did she know it was going to be you? No, she didn't know. Did she go Oh God, not him again? Yeah. Yeah. I mean you can't really fail that interview, can you? Yeah? You can. Can safe way be that picky? Well, you have a bit of shit on your nose when you went into the interview. I wish I I can't believe I said that. I've just been thinking about that the whole time. I'm like Well my dad might listen to this. We're not cutting it. We can't cut it in our background. Do you support York City? No, but they're doing well at the moment, aren't they? Rochdale, yeah, I saw that. I'm following their results. Yeah. When people get off the tube and I'm waiting for them to get on it, I feel like I'm giving them a guard of honour. What'd you reckon? Yeah. It's funny, isn't it, you know, when um sometimes one person's laugh in the audience is like exactly how you pictured it would be for a line. And you're like that was not connected. We haven't got that much longer, don't think? No we've got a little bit of time. Let's talk about your books. I I know you've got like a more recent book out, but I'd really like the title of a book that I saw on Wikipedia that I haven't seen, which is called In Heaven the Onions Make You Laugh. That's a nice title. Thank you. They don't like it, but I love it. You didn't like it, did you? When you looked at your watch then, did you think we'd be closer to the end. Yeah, I'm not su I thought we'd overrun by half an hour. Okay, I know. Still got fifteen minutes? Tell us about your your more recent book, I strongly believe in incredible things. Is that a copy of it on the floor? Yeah. I strongly believe in incredible things. There's a quote in the front of it. What is the quote? Uh incredible adjective. Impossible. Yeah. Well you've got some ones marked, I noticed. I wondered if you wanted to is it is it your wise thoughts endless and true, this book? I'll read the a bit of this one. Okay. Uh has anyone got upstairs neighbours? Yeah. Can you hear them? Yeah. Well we've got upstairs neighbours, right? And they got a new puppy. Right. And uh we can really hear the lady and the puppy. And um I wrote a piece about it. It's called Good Boy. Our neighbours that we can hear have got a new puppy. The lady says words to it such as Good Boy and No I've started to pretend the lady is talking to me. As a result of my actions since I started writing this, I've been called the good boy four times. It feels great just to be encouraged. Oh she just said no. Maybe she didn't like that line about being encouraged. She's right, I must never, ever, ever get overconfident. She's she's telling me to sit, but I'm already sitting down. Yeah. Oh, I'm a good boy again, no. I guess I must have sat down even more. Not sure how I pulled that off. We're back on track. I don't know how I will feel if I see the puppy. I'd probably feel ashamed that I've been using compliments aimed at him for the sake of my own mental health. Sometimes when the puppy is left alone, he makes high pitched noises like a windscreen wiper. When nobody's calling him a good boy, I just want to shout up. Good boy! You've been a good boy today. Just to make myself feel a bit better, if anything. Very good. Lovely. Well that's uh So Cam that is on tour. Currently on tour with this show, but it will be going on for a little while. I think I'd say like to people go to your website, because one of the things I like about your website is you've attempted to list every gig you've ever done, it seems, on the which most people have gigs that are upcoming. But your gig guide is every gig you've ever done. Yeah, I just thought instead of because you know you've got to update your website. Every time I highlight the gigs that I've done, I thought well all it is is Ctrl C and then Ctrl V in another section. It's done. And it takes five seconds, you know. It's a nice thing to have. No the the I actually googled um Robot and Autistic and nothing came up. And I thought, okay, that's that sorted. But we can find out about your tour dates on your website, as well as watching time. Are you gonna put any of your filmed any of the other shows? Or is that the No, but I'd love to go back and do them. I'd love to f film them, yeah, but I don't think I've Uh yeah, I just need to go back and relearn um and uh do it. But uh yeah, I am on tour. I love touring around. I' I'll really enjoy coming to Lester on. Wednesday. And um and uh it's you know, it's a thrill. I mean I had up such a mission getting up to Northampton yesterday, but it was great. The gig was really enjoyable and then um I I saw merch after my show and um Yeah. I said, just as I finished I said, I've got merch to sell, but can anyone give me a lift to the train station? And this guy went, Yeah, I'm going that way, so I'll give you a lift. And he said, Do you want me to help you do your merch? And he was like Yes please. So uh he started helping me do the merch and he was going, alright, so that's that that's that I was like, uh yeah, so now um I'm going to say to the audience, Does anyone want to sell help me sell the merch? Yeah and then you can either have A book or a thing. And that will be the payment. Well if everyone else you do the merch, then they'll all get a free book. And they can all just walk out. That's a bit polite. May I just leave with my stuff. Just helping yourself. Free for all. Well good. Look, come and do come and see Robert in Leicester. On Wednesday, that's mainly for the people in the room. Unless you can travel in time. There's a nice time travel sketch in uh in uh the time show as well. Um there's a lovely bit. There's so many nice things I wanted to talk to you about. We've been talking about so many things. I want to try and get home for my dinner. I'm seeing if I can eat my dinner when I get home. The nice thing about doing an afternoon gig, isn't it, is can you just all get home for dinner. I wish all my gigs were on a Sunday afternoon. This is this fits my vibe perfectly. Yeah. I thought that would have got a laugh. Comedy where you don't know, where you take a chance. And like nearly some things don't work, right, when you take a chance. But the things that I think that work the best are the ones where you where you take the chance. But the things you feel nervous at saying all the things that just go, wow, wondering what will happen if I say this. Exactly. Uh that's what this show's all I mean don't people don't appreciate that you know you and I have not talked at all about what we're gonna talk about. And so you get an hour of us talking with each other and it's basically just made up as we go along. We've taken some chances some of them have been cut out of the show. That's why you have to come and see it live to see I'd tell you what, Rob, it's gotta be really bad to not make the podcast. We've put everything in, if we cut something out. If this podcast ends up being three minutes long, people are gonna be people are gonna know. But it won't luckily, Rob. It's been very good. It's been lovely. We're very lucky to all be alive. We're lucky to be here. Yeah. Um time is an illusion. Time's only useful if you're on your own, you say in the show. Time wouldn't be around if there's just one of you. We only have it to for convenience with other people. It is meaningless. It's not the I think maths is wrong, don't you? Mass have got all this big they've got this big thing called mathematics, right? It can't work, can it? Because what happens you done you keep counting and you keep going up. And it never ends. And then they say, Oh no, there's a thing called infinity, but you can never get to it. Can't be right, can it? It doesn't make any logical sense. Some stuff will be cut. No it's true, you're right, but that's that whole thing, like when you start thinking about No, just trying not to take life so seriously because like when you're looking up into the sky, it just keeps on going, going and going and going forever and ever and ever. There's no lid on it at all, ever. So I don't know. If I'm ever feeling a bit stressed out, I just try to think zoom out for a bit and go Doesn't mean anything. Does that make you feel better or worse? It makes me feel that life moves quick. Yeah. And I know for a fact it does. You know, I d we did this in Edinburgh for a fifteen minute one, but I really you know, I listened to this all the time. I wanted to come and speak for it and then it's like a thing and it's like oh great. And it's like I've got You can't skim past everything I can't skim past everything, do you know what I mean? Every now and again you've just gotta be like Great. And you just half. Oh, it just pass everything just passes you by. And it's absolutely gutten because we're not here for long. And it's like. Just gotta every now and again, even if you're just like looking at a flipping tree or something like that. Like I and just try to for me, just to try to keep making myself laugh. Like I saw a guy wearing a flipping well, you know, you you get those um camouflage jackets that aren't patchy. They've got like twigs on them and they also almost look photo real. Do you know which one I'm talking about? Well they're like the you can really not see these people. If they're in woodland they've got like branches on. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I thought right, I'm gonna buy one of them, but not to be camouflaged just to see if birds land on me.