Pub hours and football punditry

Hi, Richard Herring here. Thanks for downloading my podcast. Now you may have heard on the gown upp news that I've not been very well. I'm feeling fine I'm sort of in the middle of treatment C very minor cancer. It's not curable, but it's completely treatable. So please don't worry about me. In the meantime, if you want to become a badger, this is an excellent time to support us at go faststrike. com slash badges. if you would like to buy a thank you Moriati t shirt from Rich and Alley's Craven News round, then head too fastter Stripe. com. and you should be able to find them on there. They're only going to be available for a couple of weeks print them all up at once when we find out what the demand is But if you enjoy that podcast, particularly, that's a great way to pay us back for that Look, I've still come to the Edinburgh fringe unless something that goes horrifly wrong in August I think that to the sixteenth and Go to ridichchain. comash for Hallispurg. you can see all the dates and the guests confirmed so far whoo are Mike Was't at Susie McCabe and Flo and Joan. there are some big names to come, I'm sure. I'm aiming very high with this and I will be giving some recommends of people you should be going to see at the fringe through interviews over the next few weeks as well Anyway, thank you very much Let's sit back. Thanks to all the lovely messages I've had from you guys and it's lovely to know how much these podcasts mean to you and that's worth more than money I mean, obviously doesn't keep us going, but thank you very much for the love you've been giving us I very much appreciate it and I'll do my best to carry on doing these until I get bored Anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy another podcast from the head and Mouth of AK Heric Hi, it's Paagege from Giggly Squad, and this episode is sponsored by Experian Boost Summer Glow U, check Credit glow up even better Boost your credit scores instantly by getting credit for bills you're already paying, your phone, utilities, rent, and insurance I wish dating kind of worked like that. Connect your bank account, add those on time payments to your Experian credit file, and your FICO score updates right away You could instantly raise your FICO score by an average of fourteen points with Experian Boost. Download the Experian app for free today. Results will vary. Users who received a boost improved their FIO score eight from Experian by an average of fourteen points. See appppstore or experperian d. com for details. Results will vary, N all payments are boost eligible. Users who receed a boost improve their FIicO score rate from Experiian by an average of fourteen points. someome may not see improved scores or approval ods. Not all lenders use Experiian credit files, and not all lenders use scores impacted by Experiian boost. See experperian. com for details On SBC two now it's Dad's army. Actually, I'd love to see that. I'm just gonna to turn over for a second No one likes to sing trees Hitler So stop saying hell Hitler all the time. come up with something you We hadn enough with you with your prancing along with a goostath and y killing all the Jews. Oh no one likes the same trees No one likes your tiny little m. Can you shave that off or will it blow off if you cough Because we'd like to stick your tiny tash. Y. You're a German ass You've only got one ball. It's no good to anyone at all. You've probably got a microtenis and your DNA confirnms that genetically you had a lot of sexual issues. no one likes the same phrase Hitl. So move on to something new No one likes the saying phrase Hitler And you know what nobody likes you apart for millions of Nazis that they'll change their mind mostly, some of them they stay loyal to you secretly S less secretly and you know at seventy, eighty years They all come back and they might be successful that time H that looked good. I wish we could watch that, but instead, I'm afraid it's Richard Ally's Craven News round. That's a shame Hello, It's Monday the twenty ninth of june twenty twenty six. Time is thirteen oh five If you're wondering what time is That's the time. whatever time you're watching this, that's the time Hi this I'm Richard Herring and I'm Al' Slher and I am Gk Nee. Also, I am linking at it. W Hey they worked. That's good. Also S Nidadra. Don't put your eggs in the basket and this is let thing don't put your Done the train No't what your hat done J s and Don't Your doyurn the train? This is good. You don Don't ever think at that smoking with patchul in your mth. It's a really, really stoothy thing to do. D' put yourggs in th skin this is Eington your hour they would think what your ex would do to you. Ver good. That's Alie Slop over there. H Gini. W Yeah u Okay forgot which was there there it is How you doing Rich here? Thank you Gariati. Yeah that's good. O and you're getting most of them in. I'm trying to think of the other ones Isn't it other have done that they have done that one Yeah What you're talking about Th then Hard and Millis, It's good U How's things going? Well I'm fine at the moment. we're about an hour and a halfs time I'm going to hospital to restart my chemotherapy. Luckily I only have to do three more shots. I've done two and I've got to do five thought they'd have to start again But I think it might mean that I'm out of action for the rest of the. you can do it, Rich, can you can do it if you second to it You can do it put you back into it. Yeah, I could do that I could just do it on my own. Yeah, if you want to it on your own, that's fine. I don't mind that at all But yeah, so chances are maybe you back by Thursday, Friday Dree not. Um But maybell you know if I've got the inclination If you got the talent and I got the money, let's makeg lots of babies. What you're in a good mood today. I'm feeling very jolly itich and feel of I'm feeling allright as well so far yeah, well, you know, things Hopefully I w' you won't have a temperature because that's why I had to start again last time Yeah when there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, we I don't need your life story. You got to get this into five minutes. We always get it into five minutes so. And away even worried about that. We packing a lot into the episode U Anything else you want to say? T then it's the same phasees. Yeahep, that's a good one. Oh Right. let's move on. So we're going to look at the new this what this is It's really getting lazy here, R? It is not getting lazy, good? Are annunciating? I am anunciating. I'm talking very f. you're doing quite well actually For you, Y thought it' an effort into your pronunciation, Eunciation. s an et that into your pronunciation. Is it important that you have good pronunciation if you want to be understood It's important that your speaking is really, really good. Keith it Kith it loud Ke the hard, keep the trroud. What are you talking about? you? just speak clearly you will be very, very nillly hit around ear nice and early reallyally is just gonna do this the whole show? Yeah, I'm just in a good nood, Rich then Nan can't sing on News Round What can he do? Okay we're going to crack on You may have seen on the grown upp news, this has been running for a little while this story. Oh, first of all, thank you Mariati t shirts still available for one more week. U Thank you to everyone who's bought on so far. they'll all be sent out when we've got the order completed All sizes, though obviously you're going for three XL, so you know But if you look at that way, it's the same price, but you get about ten times the t shirt of someone who's small, so Who's the winner there U Go fastter stripe d. com slash Ali AWLY and you can buy one of those and you'll look very chic on the on the catwalk I Dg in and thenntil what's that song And mod you know what I mean you are a model, are you Yes, and I shin my little shims on the catcg Wearing a t t shirt. Yeah you could be as good as right said Fred. you could be as popular and clever as right Freds, Fred said if you buy one of these, but you may have seen on the grown upp news that buttons I take a couple times to work There we go. That Nigel Farage, Nigel Farage just sitting in his garage tered to knows us from Brazil, from Brazil, yeah What you on He is saanon An illegal immigrant. called him a syilicant and That is when he was chased down the hill. Allright, that's fun Um And I'm making you laugh today. You're making me laugh. It's nice to laugh. I feel good at the moment, you know, and I feel Ive got my energy back, got my appppetate back, not that long, I know, but you know, that's good My second week of weight loss coming up. U But anyway, yeah, look, Nigel Farish is sitting in his garage just ling with the little dunk a train It wasn't everything big and it was Weirdly shaped and like look like a sprig That's partly why he's got so angry about everything else. Let Let's be fair, this is an unbiased news report. Nigel Farage has been gifted five million pounds by a crypto guy runs a crypto guy for no reason at all. Okaykay? It's just a friendly thing to do. The guy said here, Nigel, Well, it might be been for security, it might not have been it might just be for H own thing. Nigel Farage is saying that's his money. He can spend it on Ferraris if he wants. He's a man of the teetle. He is a man of the people. He's had to be interviewed quite a about yet And he's got quite annoyed in the interviews U Probably all he has in common with Jeremy Corbyn is that he does not enjoy being challenged by journalists I'd prefer Jeremy Corbyn have to say those two fellows. I thought you were unbiased yeah, but you know, youve got to know colours to the mas. U but he gets very agitated if challenged And all I wanted to say about it, Yeah is, you know, it's probably perfectly innocent Yeah. if a man can't just give another man five million pounds and then his party either carries on or institutes something that very much favours that personro that's probably a coincidence U then what kind of world are we living in? You know, if you want to stop this, someone might want to give you five million pounds And then they go, Oh I can't because it's not allowed Well, I think you know if someone wants to give sugg just anyone on the street side million tos, that's okay it's the leader of the political party, he wasn't the leader when he got it yeah that he was You know, I think he knew he was coming that. Okay, but the thing that gets me and the thing I want to point out, there's been interviewed a few times and one of his tactics, old Nigel Farraage G Lizard man, doesn't he? Yeah? I mean, I think like I'm going to go back to what he does But these people who think that the world is being run by lizards Yeah, there are some out there Yeahah. and yet I mean, this man literally has a lizards teeth it's the teeth of a lizard in his face. It's like they They put on the false skull and face of a human over it. And thought should we do the teeth guy now Probably no one will noticed the teeth. He's literally got they're not human teeth. They're like a lizard's. teeth. So if you are one of those guys, I don't know why you're not going Oh the people in charge thats it's them Go for the look at the teeth. that's never look a gift horse in the mouth Well, he's got a gift horse,n't No, the thing I wanted to say and this is all going to do about this y is L quite a few interviews I've seen, people have gone, you know why don't you give the money back? And then he goes to the interview, Well, you're being paid by the BBC or you're getting money, whyy don't you give the money back And they kind of they've all kind of blathered around that. And you would go, well Best sureurely all they have to say to the guy But that's different, isn't it? Because I'm being paid a wage for doing a job You've been given five million pounds supposedly for nothing. Are you saying that you've been paid to do something? because That's what it sounds like. If you're comparing your five million pounds to my actual wage for doing my job. which I don't have to give back because I've earned it What are you saying? what are you saying that you've done? For the five million pounds that you've been given. You thought it was just a gift for nothing, but that sort of it implies, doesnn't it, Nigel that you've been paid five million pounds to do a job. And what is that job? Could you please tell us So that's all I want to say Niger Raraj is an awful, awful hum being. This is optinion, ye Well there's a point where I think you know, facts Transcend opinion. Yeah And he's not im out It's just true that would be literally the worst person to become Prime Minister Partly because of his inability to just even cope with something like this, okay? Like you know, he should go, o Oh yeah, look sorry, I've realized it was wrong for me to take five million pounds from a crypto billionaire. And I'm going to give that back or I'll give it to charity or whatever Clearly that was stupid of me or I did it before I was a politician, but I realize now But the fact he gets narky about it and goes, I'll spend it on Ferrara. I'll spend it on fucking Ferrar's if I want. What' he going be, well, he's P prim Minis? I'll what I fucking want? I'm the prrime mininister. Yeah, what? Yeah of some death camps, I'm the Prime Minister. I can do that if I want. so What are you going to do about it? I' got the I'm in charge now I've got the keys to Downing Street. I'll do what I fucking want So someone with that thinner skin, Yeah, he's kind of he serious with you than he is You had a chance, Sindy you reach We did once, we did this week with him and After midnight, walked down the corridor, just Nigel Fge in front of me a dark corridor, nobody around You'll ru the day and I don't think so. I mean, I don't think You know, just because you disagree with someone, you should cause the many harm. I don't think I could be held responsible for any atrocities he may commit in the future. You could be You could have stopp them It's yeah, it sort of was a weird I've been in a sketch with Nge Farj because I was in the sketch at the beginning of that show reluctantly So're going It's like imagine, I mean this is a very different situation. Imagine if you've been in a TV show with Hitler and then a sketch with Hitler. Yeah Imagine how history would judge you for that Oh, his u H's interestering in a sketch with Adolf Hitler L bit of fun Sing fun at the time. five years later Oh Maybe you shouldn' have done that U Well, that's D will your funeral well, we see fellow one baller, of course for Asasha I have a soft spot for him. Is the soft spot your missing testicle? Is that? Well, it is quite soft that spot You can squeeze as hard as you like on that little spot and it makes no difference. His difference I was very grateful to the NHS for saving my life. He was very cross with the NHS for taking it out as testicle or something. I don't know what his problem was U That's the difference between me and Farj. He's quite angry. You're quite so ger than gun you yah You be quiteool aren't you I wouldn' go that far. U But there you go. Has he got blood cancer? No, well not as far as I know. So who's the winner at having cancer? It is me. Anyway, that's what I wanted to say. just why has no one challenged that And him trying to equate someone's wages as being the same as being given five million pounds. It's probablyly aly innocent explanation, isn't it Rich I'm lookinginking at it ye It's thank you Nariyati. If someone wants to send me five million pounds for no reason Please do send it in. ye, abbsilarly for me, I'd love I'd take if someone would send me a million pounds That's it. That's all I need to competare for a mortgage to have a little bit of left overver. I could give up give everything up could stop doing this. No one wants to stop you to stop doing this. I think you know, I mean no one cares because no one's watching it. There's millions of people watching it. No one wants you to startop rich. I think you know, all I want is some billionaire who doesn't like me to go, hereere's enough money. you never have to work. You can you must never work again I'm ready Never that any kind of works. Well, nothing in comedy, I guess I'd say, you know, I might want to go and just do work at the National Trust or something just to pass some of time away. I've had a good life. I'm very old 've gotot so much time left, Richard, have I? You the All right we got a report from coming in from Nigjre Frag is lair Here it is. there's is Lair. There's Nigel Farage asleep How is money to be very quiet. We don't want to wake Nigel Farraage. He's taken off his human skin And just being exactly who he is and it's all f. There's all that gold he's got for just whatever he can spend that on whatever he likes Who's going to be reporting? Hello, Richard isne. Henry Hpp' be quiet Henry, we don't wantan to wake Nigel Farage, he could bite you up and gobble you up in one gobble Well, allright, Richard, I'm here and I'm in the lair now with Nigel Tharage you can see he sleeping byy knes head a million tounds worth of pies and points And that's his mnoney there. I like try and sneak in and steal some of the money. Don't do that. Henry Hippo, youll you will get the ra the raath. The raath of Farage he's there, isn't he I can hear him snoring And yeah, and look You know, he's a lizard So unfortunate and a nail so unfortunately his boobies are small They're not wreling. I mean, you know, I bet he's got a ittle pair of man boobs on there, isn't he? I'm not interested in manoo I'm not interested in wobbling man boobs. I'm not sick. Well, there's nothing sick about being attracted to an overweight man There is Richard and the hyrotronist should never be what So woman's all right Yes I didn't expect to get into an argument about whether We' got Nigel Farage there. Do you want to try and wake him up and get a comment from M it's scared, Richard Where is the lair, by the way, whereereabouts are you? U I don't know well is it in it's probably not in his cons constituency is it? I don't think so. Well you've in there, you got there. I was led from the helicopterich Yeah whereere was that Was it in a volcano? volcano? in England, yes. which county Are you just making up? yes, a little bit. U So do you think the dragon lizard Nigel Farage should Pay back some of his money. Well, Richard, are you gonna pay back the money you get? paid for doing this. I mean, yeah, I happily pay backack the nght pounds I get for doing this What did that the sale from those t shirts? then. You're going to tell that that Well Is it the same as someone giving me five million pounds? A, it's like probably eighty pounds on sve Taking account all the costs of them, you, That's a lot than money rich and be you know, it's people have willingly given they're not the people who bought the t shirt are not expecting anything in the return. They're expecting a t shirt I suppose I suppose I'm just as bad as Nigel Farage. And Richard Yeah Ilight you What do you mean you like it? I do like the movies? Do? L your big wobbling bloobies rich. I haven't got big wobbling wholink and movies, I love them. I want to kiss them. This is very inappropriate. We're working together. I'm going to have to get H to have an HR onto this. You're gonna wake Nigel Frost. I love big Wobbling man boobies. Oh my Godd, Nigel Frost is waking up. Hi, he's gonna eat me. He's coming for me That was very exciting, wasn't it there? Henry Hippo about to be consumed by a possible future Prime Minister the United Kingdom Do you enjoy that, Alie? Yeah. well, you know, if it was scripted I would say but given it' just made up with no planning Still quite four. What do you think I should do but I think you should do back. I've got blood cancer I know If you just had the injection, I would excuse anything Okay, well we our five minutes is up. We've got a lot into that five minutes today, so I feel pretty pleased Do stay tuned on SPC one for whatever's coming next. the continuity annwer asst as well, I don't want two lots of continuity anncer. Thank you very much We have loved doing this. hopefully see you in a couple of days, if not see you next week, maybe. If everything goes to plan, if not Thanks for supporting us guys. and if I die Even if just in case I do, I do buy a t shirt a gof us a stripe. com stash Allally if we could sell You know, a million of those then my kids will can survive after I'm gone. This is absolutely pathetic you're fighting shut up There's nothing wrong with it ladies and gentlemenaras. I've got blood cancer. Yeah that'. She divorce, doesn't m playay it play play up the things so we can get out of it. It's pathetic. You're worse than Nigel Harj. Yeah I mean, you know, if you've got five million quid, you don't need Sendnd it to us, we'll spend it when we Yeah. We'll definitely send it. Thanks very much. All right. That's the end How many of these we got now? Toooooo. You stopped waiting for permission and started building, yourself, your dreams, your credit. Experence Boost could turn your on time payments into instant FIo score games. Every bill you paid could become proof of your power. Self made? Absolutely. Self funded? Experiian could help you get there. Download the Experian app today. Results will vary. Not all payments are boost eligible. Some may not see improved scores or approval ods. Not all lenders use credit information impacted by Experiian Boost. See Experiian. com for details. Ex. On SBC two now it's Basil Brush. Roy North from off of Rasmataz, tries to clean up his house with a broom made entirely from the herb Basil It's a literal basil brush. It's actually more effective than you might think and also makes everything smell nice if you like the smell of basasil Then a fox comes in and pisses over everything. Boom, boom O SBC one now and sadly, it's Richard Ally's Craven News round Hello, my fine friends. Oh God, it's Friday. you're right? not really. It's Friday, july third, twenty twenty six. Welcome to Rich Ey's Craven News Round It's a little bit nauseous now started. okay. Do you think you should have done this, Rich? I've risen from my sick bed to provide you with all the news that the main mainstream media won't tell you, The mainstream media, if Kenneth Kendall got blood cancer, he wouldn't be on. He'd be off sitting on a beach. Kenneth Kendall, ye or Richard Baker, whoever, Richard Baker Anie Richard Whitmore, he's still alive. He lives in Hitching. So yeah it's I've seen him passast him in the street Um Are you all right to do this, which it seems a the early U Yeah, maybe not maybe not be alright to do this. I have had all my treatments now. Yeah, they've gone fine. This week has been fine U I hadn't really felt I at all had three injections And yesterday though I was suddenly quite tired and I slept for eleven hours last night yet and I'm still tired yet. and I feel a bit now start talking You know, it's more important to me that the news gets out there I'm Richard Herring Blood cancer, incurable blood cancer. I'm Ally Slota Nothing could get the except Woodwm Navy fire And also Iin't Cheky me Oh they're loadad? Hold on okay, right. Wellllo chee me. I'm linking at it And also sitan it Nadra. don't do that my mum'sirth eighty ninth birthday yesterday I wanted to do an episode especially for H ninth. Are you going to actually see? I think I might vomit during this So if you're in a metaphbe probably you know, don't u don't watch anymore Um My mum turned eighty nine yesterday. Yeah she's still a fine looking woman rich. in church. And so I'd like if you just out of respect for her you could not sit on it Barbara for one day that okay, I won't say sit on it Dararra Again, I'm looking at it And looking at that anchiini What you talking about that Th and Hardy and Willis? Well I would thank you Mariati not to do that. Okay, if you thank me Mariati, then I can't do it, which I won't do it. Talking to thank you Mariati. It's your last chance to buy a thank you Mariati T shirt. Thankk you to everyone who's preorddered one u You've got a weekend I think Saturday and Sunday to go to go fastter stripe d. com slash Ali aWLY And you can buy a lovely t shirt and help us carry on living Yeah makeaking more stuff We've done like what eighty something episodes of this yet. We'veot been paid a bean, have we? I haven't even got a bean, Rich. You'd think that they would someone would give us a bean orr a tin of Dens, Nothing, not a fucking Ven That's a that's a good new changerase, I think, is it? No one likes the same phrase here. They haven't paid me a fuckingin They haven't paid me a fucking bean. It might be the same phrase, but they Haven't paid me a suucking d Eatatingough dinner every day S people have watched it and everything they've seen and still they don't want to say Well, good luck to them it's our fucking fult for giving it out for free You don't give people sashes of salt and then say you got to pay me. You don't give people sashes of salt and then that's a good sa phrase It was good drhing, wasn't it? U if you want to buy a t shirt to show that you are a nerd who understands what this is all about then join the throngs. We might do some more t shirts, we might do a little I want to do a news round newshound pack We're looking into getting a machine where we can print up realistic looking press credentials, which I hope will get you into if you join up, we hope you' get into the actual press conferences They're going to look real. Anyway, look, you take the bruntle today because I'm actually now' started. I've realized I really shouldn't be doing this at all. You're so brave, Riches I think. I'm not brave. I just want to carry on I don't want to let Ccel win this battle. I mean, it's not going to win You could just take a day off. Well I don't want to you know, I don't like the word hero. No one no one said the word hero, but You know, when there's news to be got out there, I will get it out there Well, your last three days while I was bn to I was in hospital and stuff Okay, let's get on with cooks. we've only got five minutes to get all this in And I can see we're already getting close to that five minute mark now. You may have seen on the grown up news. Kama It's going to allow pubs to open until five AM for the England versus Mexico Match on Sunday Monday morning, Sunday night, Monday morning. U Very excited about that. Yeah. It's good to see you in the old steer K that he's started steering K there isn't he's finally got the message. he's got a steer karmer mayaybe too late. They's still timeing, isn't it There's still time if he does a good job in the next couple of weeks People might go that's key th those stayer c the kase down there Kiss on the ky st C, the k is on the ster, Cner It's all kind of if you're keering in your standers U So it's it's a last minute Rush for a pub for, you know, u what's the word Why are you saying what's thed? should be saying what's word? Yes.or confused as to who was who there for a second It's a popularity, I think was the word as that? Popularity. I thought that's the word you wanted to say. It's better when you do it rather than I do it. I know U but it may be too late What do you you be the bad news for me is my bedroom sort of backs on to the pub if it's a hot day, I leave my J leave a window open there. Don't tell people or theyak in. they'll never find their way in. But the noise from the pub is really loud in that bedroom. So if I go to sleep at one o'clock or even a four o'clock. There'll be noise coming from the drunken English fans,n't it So Kir Starmach can steer Kalm right up his own arse as far as I'm concerned. Very good, Rich. Do you think u Let's get a bit of football pund tree. If we do well with this football pund and tree, we're doing that what do you think? Pundentry Football pundanry is football pundnderry. No football pundentry its annunciateid,y don't you announce it? Football pundentry Oh Thunder tree B Punder Tree. You're getting it wrong. It's for Thunder Tree Fotball pundan tree Did I say it right then? I can't tell now Football Punder tree. No, you're saying football Punder tree Eunciate his football wunder tree Think of a tree that has a f on it Punda tree. Yes, football pundree. Now we've said Punda tree a lot. Well, you haven't, you pretend've had twice. Now we said it a lot. It doesn't feel like a real word. What I'm trying to say, we can get into football pundantry. Punditry Eunciate. then u We could Netflix might see what we're doing They've given Gary Nicker like fifteen million pounds. and only like one hundred thousand people watch that. I barely more than watch this. Yeah, it's true thirty fifty times I've watch this. Yep still If we can get into that Next World Cup. that could be you and me going going o O Englander in? Do you think they're going to w think they can win the football? Yeah, it's good