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Hi, Richard Herring here. Thanks for downloading my podcast. Now you may have heard on the gown upp news that I've not been very well. I'm feeling fine I'm sort of in the middle of treatment C very minor cancer. It's not curable, but it's completely treatable. So please don't worry about me. In the meantime, if you want to become a badger, this is an excellent time to support us at goofaststrike. com slash badges. if you would like to buy a thank you Moriati t shirt from Rich and Alley's Craven News round, then head too fastter Stripe. com. and you should be able to find them on there. They're only going to be available for a couple of weeks print them all up at once when we find out what the demand is But if you enjoy that podcast, particularly, that's a great way to pay us back for that Look, I've still come to the Edinburgh fringe unless something that goes horrifly wrong in August I think that to the sixteenth and Go to ridichchain. comash for Hallispurg. you can see all the dates and the guests confirmed so far whoo are Mike Was't at Susie McCabe and Flo and Joan. there are some big names to come, I'm sure. I'm aiming very high with this And I will be giving some recommends of people you should be going to see at the fringe through interviews over the next few weeks as well Anyway, thank you very much Let's sit back. Thanks for all the lovely messages I've had from you guys and it's lovely to know how much these podcasts mean to you and that's worth more than money I mean, obviously doesn't keep us going, but thank you very much for the love you've been giving us I very much appreciate it and I'll do my best to carry on doing these until I get bored Anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy another podcast from the head and Mouth of AK Heric On SPC two now it's Heidi High. Heidi, a five year old girl brought up in the Alus by her grandfather gets a job at Maplin's holiday camp and so on You can do yourself On SPC one, It's Rich and Alliess, Wlcome return to Rich and All's. It's a fantastically welcome return to Rich and Allies's Craven News round Hello, It's the twenty second of June. I think it's a Monday twenty twenty six. Is it Monday? Yeah I don' think so H I'm Richid Haring are you all right? Sidy here? This is my friend Alli. this is Richard All' Craven News Ran. it' named after for us. Shidy the here really I think so, areren't you just scathering from treatment? Well Thankk you to everyone. who's showed concern about this and thank you for be so patient. I've not been patient, I've been waiting for you here every fucking day and you haven't turned up You can do it on your own if you want. Yeah, I've done before you can do if youre so bothy, I need you as a foil. I need an idiot, stooge T that nice stuff funny Anyway, you sure Richard, you sure you should be here Yeahah, look you know, we'll see how it goes. My voice is going a little bit Um What's happened? I had the first two days of treatment. It's a five day treatment when I went on the third day. My temperature was just a little bit high very briefly whichich meant I had to stop treatment and go and be in hospital for two days while they f filled me with antibiotics without antibiotics. Can you ennunciate, please, Richard? I've got incurable cancer. I know it doesn't stop younunciating that it's not froat cancer is it Youve sounded a bit throaty as well. Well you know Synthathetico, isn't it? I can say syynthathetico, you can fuckking say whatever you just forgot this next nest up thinging, Well look antib antib antibiotics. I can say it how can you not say antibiotics? annttibiotics? There you go and you do it. U It was quite hellish for a couple of days, just boring and being prodded and getting blood taken. T turns out I didn't have an infection. but it does mean I have to start all of the treatment again hopefully next week We'll see actually I have my phone ready. If the phone rings, I'm going to stop to Do you that U So yes, thanks for bearing with me. We'll see how it goes today feel a bit I've been not feeling great over the weekend, but I feel a bit better. thiss all of about you Oh we are, let's put a picture of me it I mean, the news like they may have seen on the grown up news C comedian Rich Taring shares incurable blood cancer diagnosis. Yeah you made the news and you couldn't even do a news round about it Well, you know, that was my joke about it that it was you know, it's inc it is incurable, but it's completely treatable. So my joke is, you know, I can say I've got incurable cancer. but many of the newspapers ran with this as the headline and didn't mention it was treatable for sometimes five paragraphs The independent, my dad who's currently unwell in hospital. and hadn't been told the news just so it didn't upset him was handed a copy of the independent and that's what greeted him. So thanks very much, the independent journalist Isabelle Lewis You know, just using the click bait headline there, even in a newspaper. Anyway, my own fault. for making the joke. I should expect them to run with it Um, so yeah, I'm u Where was I I don't know. you're right Well yeah I felt we should try and have a go. Just have a go It doesn't look out we' can stop anytim. A feeling a little bit hot I'm feeling a bit hot and swey, but it's a hot day U and, you know, I might have slight concentration issues Is it going like this throughout the now? I thoughtort it was getting that way anyway I think it could be better. It could I was going to say it could be better. I couldn't it rich with you just not really knowing. What you'et to be saying or where you are or if this is real or just an illusion? ' just an usion is so much confusion. I went to read Eusion to get my E at tellelly to rent for my wife Nelly. so we could watch the bllack and white instr show. Okay, we don't want to go into that. U Different times, different times ladies and gentlemen, don't blame him. So look, Partlyies just want to pop up and and say hello and say I'm still here. And so now next week I might be out of action again hopefully hopefully the treatment will be next week and then I'll be all hopefully set for Edinburgh and my holiday before Edinburgh So we'll keep you informed of that. I think this week I might be back being able to do bits and bobs We'll see how this goes. Oh it's not going that well so far. I'm full of energy Rachel that you could do a bit more energy That's up to you. I will should say this is very important news. I don't want you to miss out on this that So thank you Moriarti t shirts are now available in a variety of sizes We they're up at gofaster stripe. com. we'll put the link in the blurb U If you want to buy these this to be terrific, there's a little thank you for us doing seventy odd episodes for you for No financial gain. Do you think we'll make financial gain out of this? I mean I don't think we'll make a lot of money out of it. It's more just this is a nice Thank you from you to us and us to you C sit on it Dadra? That haven't done many same phrases today, have you? No, I forgot I was so worried about your help sit on it not popular. Well, that's the point. this isn't a commercial t shirt, but it's lack of commercial ality makes it more commercial. I think. I feel than you Mariati will be a catch raiser that lasts Same phrase, the same phrase that lasts for, you know, maybe two weeks. And then you'll always have this t shirt to remind you of it and then eventually you go, what was that about And then we hand it down to your kids and theyre, what is this Who's that man on this? Is he Mariati Excuse me. So u Look, go to go fastter Stripe. comot againgain, if I remember, the link will be in the description. Thank you to everyone who's boughtght on so far. We're going you've got two wee well probably a week and a half now to get your name down Once the forortnite is up, we're just gonna to print them all up and send them all night and that's it. So no chance beyond that. I'm sorry the year Postage fees to abroad are ridiculous, but that's not exactly our fault. It's a K Stan's thoughtult, isn't it Yeah, someone's fult Pb Donald Trpsa U But so it's better for the UK based people, but you can, if you're feeling like a money bag, you can pay more for the postage than the t shirt. But anyway, it would be lovely if you want to buy those. I did want to letting you know like a f one thousand, one thousand five hundred people watch this every day I mean, if you all bought one, it still doesn't add up to that much, does it? It doesn't add up to that much on' take into account design and Printing and everything W't be bad. Yeah for this shit. I mean, it would be bad for this shit. Gott to spot at Chris Evans, not that one so Is the money actually coming to you? I think we might actually because we aren't bit getting paid for this, we might actually, you know, it's taken up quite a lot of time And I've literally crawled out of my sick bed to do this I've got incurable cancer. so if you don't buy One of these te shirts, you are a monster And you shouldn't be watching this. No you don't have to. Get it out the way early Rich. I'd like sitting the hard Yeahah, I'd like What you're talking about three then Hardy andillis? I mean, other that ones, I think that's too big to fit on a t shirt I would like what are the other ones? No one likes say injuries. I'm thinking at it I think we've probably done line' winking at it t shirtink somewhere along the line It's nice to keep ringing the changes, it's nice to keep changing the same phrases. It's nice to keep ringing the changes. It's nice to keep changing the same phrases. No one makes the same phrase Not the very long anyways. So change your say phrase in any ways you can because the say phras wills get annoying if your grand starts saying it six seven six seven six seven, six seven. Six, seven. No one likes to sing tes Hitler Hitler So stop saying hell Hitler all the time come up with something you We hadn enough with you with your trancing along with a goosea ander Killing all the Jews. Oh that's that went a bit dark Oh no one likes the same trees. You're right, I think being on medication I don't know where the hell like this is coming from. No one likes your tiny little mis. Can you sh that off or will it blow off if you cough Be we'd like to stick your tiny tash. Y. You're a German ass. You've only got one ball. I find that offensive. it's no good to anyone at all. You've probably got a nicrotthenis and your DNA conferns that genetically you had a lot of sexual issues. How's that in this wartime song? D no one likes the same phrase Hitler So move on to something new This could go on all day. No one likes the saying phrase Hitler And you know what nobody likes youart for millions of Nazis that they'll change their mind mostly, some of them they stay loyal to you secretly Sun less secretly and you know, at seventy eighty years. They will come back and they might be successful that time Thank you for that That's very good. Lets let's, you may have seen on the grown up news Uh that u Kissed ar up The Lah Mahama has had to step down as Prime Mister due to harming llamas on a terrible scale. It's only two years since the election and Kistam has gone. it' sad isn't it? Itid Well I never thought I'd felt sorry for I feel sorry for ar And you know what? you were right? No? I feelt sorry for him when he was crying and stuff He's had a good go. He's tried his best You subverted my expectations with your subversion of that joke, Rich yeah,s my that's my skill U He looks like a little boy, L littleost boy, the' he' behind then wearing his dad's suit. Yeah hisis dad wouldn't have had a suit, you would' have had dungeries you as a toolmaker, Everyone knows that Anway, It's u You know, I don't have any particular strong feelings about any of the politicians at the moment I've not got massive party affiliation to anyone. certainly don't like any of the right wing parties prefer Kist arma to them but hey, what is the what is the difference? quite a lot yeah, there's quite a lot of difference between him and Nigel Farage, to be fair. Um what was I going to say? I don't know what you going to say? You just trailed off Well,, you know, I've got I've been on chemo medicine It's you know, luckily luckily Nydrain Zurkingstein. I came I mean Nydrin ended that hit the song. Good one We put that out and know no one likes the same phrase hip there should have been the dad's An theme tun and I should have been. But look the reason I don't like Kiss I, I had some hopes for not high hopes. I had quite low hopes for him And he's managed to limbo dance under those hopes. But when I went to Prime Minister Chrestioned, I am not this again U I'm linking it. I'm cheeking me. I'd forgotten that one.oo Um, It's been so long since I've done this. I've forgotten my saying phrases. U But he was sort of just he was legitimizing the Nigel Ferii's polies policies by You know joining him with that. And it seems to me He lived his life like a candle in the windia. It seems to me that get back on track, I'm trying It seems to me that what most of the countriry, seventy five percent of the country, certainly sixty percent of the country O is somebody who's going to stand up to burgeoning right wing politics and hopefully convince some of those people who are being fooled by those self serving venal unpleleasant politicians over to the right side so. Anyone who can do that will be welcomed Um Do you think Andy Vernam can do it? Have you literally put a TM in that I can't say well, hasn't he's not the PM yet Let's go over to Downy Street. Oh God, not really yet it's our last ch Well he's still in another couple of months maybe. I think he'll be gone by July We'll go over to talk. I think we've got a chance to talk to the Prime Minister himself You sit there, Ali. I know you don't like him Current Prime Minister Here he is. he's just getting ready. he's putting his glasses on Hello Richard. It's me Kistana. I just want to say Thank you for all the support you've given the on news round over the last few monthsmen haven't really given you much support I know you're a big fan of me and my policies Must be nice having that wh that wet dishcoth on your head in this hot weather, quite fancy myself, Well, you should have thought it this shouldn't you And u I, uh, I'll get some time to spend with my family. I didn't Iithest, Richard. I didn't eest I'm very proud of what we've achieved. I mean, a lot of it was not really because of me. And we sort of try to block it and then it happenens anyway. Ls of things we didn't do that I said we would That I thought you had another three years. I was just coasting a little bit. You do that on this show sometimes? I do not So I just wanted to say thank you to you and all your viewers And they just want to sing a little song to go. You're not going to sing a song Y here I am. I am H' on that. that's good. you didn' getting There's no point in perfecting the voice now just do just generic So good night Downing Street Though I hardly knew you at all I got my tooththrush there and a spare set up for Joh I made love to in my country. You madeade love to it that my country did not consent to the lagni and I was giving it. And so I got the p And it seed in the I didn't I lie like a tentish shg on hand through night now it's a good forehead instead at na for some reason I'd really like to cur on the thrine than is still that I am just a hand Wizon glasses on the firm That's not even a nose, that's a thumb there. And then they I got to the Prime Minister as long as I did Thank you, Rich. Thank you, goodood day everyone Don't cry The weather comes next will get one hundred percent support unless it's only vernner in which case I'll set some booby trps to get in Allright, we love you, goodbye Very sad news there see Let's see if there's any other c We might as well use this guy because I don't think he's coming back and Sadly we don't have an Any Burnnam puppet yet, but what where's Teting got to say? It's my name is Where's teting whichich I'm saying, Where's treating? Is Wh's cheating? I'm literally a balloon. Youve seem to have been deflated a. Well, you didnt defate it if your ambitions had fallen so far Are you standing for the Prime Minister Richard? Let me be the first to say on News Ram I am not I will give my full support to Andy Dernan He' the fantastic A what what are you getting in return for this? Richard? I literally had nothing. No one was going to vote them the I have the weakest cards in politics If I manage to get any jar out of this, it will prove I'm the greatest theytical genius there has ever been And I should be the prrime Minister therefore. So if I get a political job, I will then apply to be Primeinster Once you've got rid of Andy Vernon. Right, okay Good, well, we've nearly got through this, have we It's done right Ohgh You're right, Rich. Look, I just want to say, let's go back to main interview I just want to speak for the fans of the fodcast And you and, you know, they You you're too nist to say this is theself that Richard what you're going to say I think you are a hero for for doing this. What for carrying doing this podcast yeah When you're going through so much where the whole weekend you're just in bed feeling very grownfy and sick G out of dead. I think you should the Threat Minister personally. Well, I'm not applying I just want to say and I think I sweak all the fans out there, not only we got it fans You're you're a genius You're very underestimated and undervalued as a commonly thought ritual. Well look, It's very I don't think this is true You what you had done you're doing so much peopleople who are suffering Really? I' glad my cause and quite love you know, you're not doing so much for the people who are suffering watching this you know, I talk I just want to say Did you hear then No you are I hear There's been a lot of singing in this episode And everything I would like to be if I could drink a can of Cke zero I'd give at least a hundred millilitres to you because you are the coo C the kind of the Cbon dioxide stir In on Coca Cola toee Beautiful. thank you. I feel embarrassed by what Alie said It's all true Rich. they all agree with it get how It's not the kind of thing I would ever say I just I'm just a regular guy. you know that you're superhero I'm just getting on with I just want to get on with my life. I want to show people Um Having cancer is not always like the worst thing that can possibly happen. It can be, off course, it can be Many cancers are treatable, many cancers that survivable to it either completely or to a long extent Don't If you get news like that, I've got that that's the end of anything You know, I will push on this is because you're a hero. I'm not I'm just a modest Nice goir. You're hero. I'm not hate I wouldn't like to call myself the word hero. Well I ain't calling you Well, I would like you to stop calling the word hero It's a froat through it.'s not appropriate. You're winking at it, I'm not even winking at it I'm not a hear of the people out there in the NHS 'm doing this work with bureaucratical nightmares, keeping people alive there. if anyone's a hero here It's them. That's the northern one hero here U So I'm not being modest. I'm being. I think you're inazing ye. You might think it I couldn't comment on that U If you're go through anything like this, Talk about it. if you like, you don't have to Don't worry too much about it Life is here while we're here, we're still here. that's amazing, Rich I was going to say you're a hero and then you fucking come out some tripe shit like that. It's good. It was good. while you're here, you're still here Thank you, Aristotle. You being nice somebody go, yeah, that's fucking vllocks in you while you're here Oh let's all have the hing' the al right Tight not the Well, anyway, look, I've got out of bed. I've made the effort. I hope you've enjoyed it. Buy a t shirt. if you like Is he here you hulking t shirts Well You know If needs must, You're not having incurable cancer m you think finally I should give Richards some money for those eighteen years of entertainment. I've had out of him U orr come and see me the Edinburgh Finge I'm very hopeful that I will be better for the Edinburgh Finge Rrardhone d. com sl Annister Math.. All right Yeah And I cann't frringe with you not this year, but maybe maybe one year, I think it would go well You did eighty seven. I did do eighty seven, Nes I'd love to come back Do anotherone Allright, we'll leave it there. Did son that he say Canter It's not All right, thanks very much for watching guys. We'll be back hopefully tomorrow I'll try and do at least a foolish complement of ones this week as long as this hasn't destroyed me And if it has destroyed me, This is the last time you'll ever see my face like that guy up there. byye bye A SBC two now it's Hector's house. Hector, the Trojan prince from Homer's Iliad. moves into a house where he's hoping to retire peacefully, but a cat and a frog constantly visits his garden attempting to disturb his tranquillility I mean, the Ven diagram for that one is going to be you're going to have to use Google probably. You might get one of the references If you get both then please send in a postcard to SPC one Continuity shred saying I got both references without having to Google and we'll put them all in a drawer and the one that comes out will win a prize. On SPC one now, it's Richard Allices Craveven news round B piece of paper to go ye, Allie, hold on Oh Hello Hello, welcome to Rich and I' Craven News aroundound it's Thursday the twenty fifth of june, twenty twenty six. How you feeling? Rich? I'm Richard Harr. How you feeling? J you could have asked me that before we went on air And we're going to be a professional today. We're not going to talk about that. I'm fine. Thank you for asking good. feeling better, but If you must know, going back in on Monday for the final three treatments. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. so next week might be tricky But hopefully fromr then onwards, things will get better. Oh we've been also awried of that you me just touch on the face. don't I just want to touch on the face Im Ais I' Chkiny I'm sorry, I'm winting at it I didn't do any of the same phrases the other oh they're still winking A still winking there the fuck is the I'm cheekyee. All twenty cataces, all twenty sain races. Thank you Naradi Ciderada. U No one likes the s res, mister heard and neg good No one's at cin during this toer so soet had not all your see kiles. It you want to be your world or victor. then fucking start saying seekile for a while. I think you' do better the other day when you hadn't prepared that. I didn't prepare it. I mean I just rememberndering it. I can't believe nobody has yet taken the onlying titles of Dad's army and put what we did the other day I mean, to be fair, I wasn't really good the other day. Alli was amazing. and put that song over the E tiles instead of two do you're kidding M. Hitler, but up to you up to you guys. If you don't want to do that, don't do it fucking out all kind of fans What kind of IT nerd fans do you think you are? Hello anyway, I'm Ny Sl. I'm Rich Sang and this is News Round We Look The news, what's going on in the news And then we tell you what it is with no bullshit. U No that we haven't got any overlords looking over us, tellell us what we have to say. We can say whatever we want. reallyally? Yeah T any we want Yeah. Vies you can say anythinging and no one can stop us We're the only new source you can trust And u ope hope you're enjoying. It's so good you to come and do this rich one you're not? Well, well, I'm feeling a lot better today, so it' Hopefully I mean, thank you for I was very low energy on Monday or Tuesday, whenever it was and you were like incredible at least. So I want to say thank you to the good thing about doing it is a Tson Wh, did someone see doing it doing the show as two Be if one of you has an off day, the other one can jump in and know inject a bit of energine in It's the thing I like about Double Axs and what what else did yout you hateated that Double Ax well having to work with other people it's not so bad of me. No well, I like you and you know, you seem You know Would you say your health control issues rich? No, I don't think so at all. I'm very, you know, I'm very I'm a very giving Did someone say giving? It's so hot. It is very hot today we're at hop I'm sorry if I'm perspiring Did S that really say ejaculating? No that they didn't? So yeah, I'm hot anyway, but I think the The medicine I've been on it's see, I've been on antibiotics and the sweat has comeing through my pores and it smells It's got this antibiotics smell. I didn't want to say anything you need to tell thought we didn't weren't going to do any personal stuff. Fair enough. I do want to say before we get onto the news, just a reminder guys that thank you Mariarti T shirt. I think that they'll be on sale for Um anotherother weeke in a bit We're going to do all the pre orders, then that's it, and then we'll make them. Thankk you to everyone who's got one so far. Sorry it's so expensive to send them abroad. I wouldn't bother if I were you if you're abroad, there'll be other ways to contribute, I'm sure down the line U But if you would like to get one of those, go to gofaserstripe. com slash Ali AWLY. That's my name and we made it easier for them. And you will see the link can it all different sizes, All the money will come to I mean, Chris Evans, not that one. No you know, it should Looks like he's gonna wipe his ass and we could make tens of pounds from this. thank you very much, which will be helpful was I'm not really earning any money this month. You got a family that cartterich I know I've got incurable cancer. My aunt Det dying the t shirt. He's got incurable cancer I think these still are children I mean, they're doing all right. D get all your money out the thanank consent it to Richard Herring? He needs it more than you do That's very nice say. I don't want you to do that guys equally if you can't afford to contribute, please, I don't feel the need to. but I mean That t shirt is only going to accrue in value that you think? Yeah. If you play it down, it's a treasure for a future generation Do you think I' have on an antiques Rad show in a hundred years time I do And I think it were Fums I think it will flumx the antiques Roadhow as experts. who will not know where it came from Oh let's get on with the news. So you may have seen on the grown up news. That iss really hotest the hottest June day on record. I think was Wednesday, probably today it' hot, isn't it? It's very hot rich Um, I mean this is It's not advisable to be working here. I'm gonna to have a drink It does give sorry, Oh, you were speaking doing an impression to me that is. It does give the u I thought were I was going to see howy drinks of water. It does give newspapers the opportunity to put pictures of scandally clad girls up there and being splashed by silly men. Yeah it also gives you the opportunity to do that. you Well, I know what gets people watching the channel R R You're gonna to call me Rich Ali, sorry, you're very confused I'm still not over this what I'm going through. It's still difficult it's going to get worse again next week but hopefully then it'll be over for ten years and ten years time ag go and do it all again and and then Were I to live another ten years then I'd do it all again. You confident now the first ten? I'm not very confident no But hopefully they'll keep me going You do stink I know U but you really shouldn't be doing this. you're just You know, you your ennunciation is lazy and you' you're clearly your brain is not engaged and you're unable to form the basic sentences. So either just sit there, look pretty and leave it to me. Is that my job? Yeah, look pretty Leave it to me. ye or just, you know, ennunciate rich, ennunciate. it's easy and I can do it. Ran the ruggedck the rgged rouscal Ran. She sells she shells Line the se shll. you didn't do it I did it. She sells se shels by the se shore Teter titer, ticker, ticker, tickle tetles I mean, that's easy for you to say. You do P pi picked pick of pickled pickooers ee, I can do it. You can't do it. I should do the lead anchor. the lead what, the lead anchor. the lead what, the lead anchor What did you say? the lead anchor? Did someundbody say anchor? Yeah. anchor It would be good if you'd come whyy didn't you say let's do it again Okay, R right, we'll do again. we get edit this about edit this thing I can be the new anchor, the new what? the new anchor, the new what? the new anchor I got the the new anchor, the blue anchor, the new anchor, the blue anchor, new anchor Look good, we're doing well Good. I could be the new anchor. I could anchor this thing without any anchor. I could we just think of the hundred of things that sound. canan you think of more? I could e the new anchor. I could anker this thing at any ranker I could e the thoughta thought the fucking the fucking king Yeah, okay We get it A anchor up the road and fucking down the had allright Oh hot it it's very hot. Well, that's the news. It's very hot There's a girl there being splashed She looks like she's having done. I mean, I think that the news should be from Datograph. How's this fucking lummx ended up with thiskir? Is this stupid he' splashing with water. he should be bowing down before like a She's a goddess. How's he ended up with with her? Look at him And then entity ye And this beautiful woman. All he's doing is splashing her. I'd like to splash her rich. I bet you would He looks like fun U Let's not go to the nineteen seventies, please He doesn't know what he's got there and that should be the day Tlegraph Boke he doesn't deserve anything gets an amazing opportunity which he believe me he will fuck up. Are you speaking to a student here, Richard? Yeah, I think every man who's nearly sixty probably went out with someone in his twenties who was way too good for him And all the men said to him, just C at what you've got, be careful, look after what you've got. and he probably thought Yeah, it be fine And then the old men were right Are you seeking from personal experience? maybe Maybe anyyway, it's made me me very sad that How did I get so old? How did you get so old? I'm one hundred and thirty four? know, but you'll live forever, I' going to live forever. Canould we not do too much s it's too hot? I'm not particically smart, I'm not theularically clever. I'm not theically dutiful but even so it's dutiful to say that I will live as long as an oak tree I'll live as long as a sequoia in the canal of on in Redwoods, a seequoia I'll live as long as a lawyer sold his Heart to to Satan's dead Ned Yeah, you're doing really well, there. Thank you. It is f the original It's like Yeah. I mean, you've gone red in the face haven't you? yet? So look, we've got a report we got a special report from on the seaside just to see it's always nice to go to this seaside, isn't it? So we can see to see what we can see C see But all that we can see C see is the people at the seaside. Here we go. We're over there who will be reporting, you think from this seaside? there, there's people all minin and around swimming Let's see what's going on Oh Gods so hot can' I get in one Hello Richard is P notot Henry Hippo. Hello Richard isne me Henry Hippo. I've come to the seaside whereabout, which seaside are you at He is one, the one with the Ca Vit or the ubrellas. It's you've got urellas because it's so hot And he why wearing a scarf? I don't know Richard and the hippopotamus And I can't really coat with this heat. I should these standing united in a pool full of mud But I'm here to give you my report and you know what I can see? Divide the C Yeah, gone The reason I've come here Yeaho and do it it's what people like to hear I can't do this se. I can't R's so hot I don't even want to look Wh what? And anything is too hot rigid. Even for me, HenryF Fo. I want to be able to enjoy what I can see I can't enjoy it because I'm melting p Well just as what you can see, I can't see them say this is too much. Remember, people do keep hydrated out there lots of suncreen if you're hippopotom, there's a lot of mud on you. U People are dying out there. Be careful in the sea, of course, but it's a good place to go if you are splashing your Cf it's too good for you in this in the water. D be careful if you don't drown, that would be awful make sure she doesn't dram principally and you know, if it's affecting Henry a bone this, I wish I'd takeak it on my scar which I can I just went I wish I wish I was interested. I look behind me, can you not see the big umbrellas? notot that big, not that big H Oh well, Henry Hppo may have died Oh dear, what a pity never mind U But there we go. That's the big warning out there. Do be careful out there Do watch out it's sunn in the sky when it' su in the sky It gets too hot and youite at the T dooly lie T dooly lie And Iight go through a swim and then not the go to swim and you by will was up E Cy quim. All right, that's enough Thanks for watching guys, sorry, it's too hot to do this I'd just like to say hello. Go faster stripe. com Sash Ali If you want to buy a t shirt We would appreciate it, but thank you to everyone who's done that it already. You're too good for me We'll see you next time Probably tomorrow, maybe next week. Bye bye and maybe it be Monday next week and maybe not the rest of next week F On SBC two now, it's the Friday Komquat. It's another show from the Saturday Banana stable. As you know, Saturday Banana is a knock about fun comedy show hosted by Bill Oddie that goes out on Saturdays. There is a different fruit based entertainment for each day of the week. The Sunday Fig is a religious programme. The Monday Pomegranate is a hard hitting drum about school kids. The Tuesday Grape is a weekly show all about grapes The Wednesday Kiwi is cartoons about buildings that turn into robots. The Thursday Nctream has all this week's puppets, and the Friday Comquat is a hard hitting political chat show for kids hosted by Brian Walden Now for less hard hitting politics, keep your dial on SBC one for Richard Alley's craven news round get low down. No, I think we're al right with normal height, I think Hello, Hello there. Wlcome to another edition of Richard Ay's Craven News Round I'm Richard Harring. I'm Chekimi. O O Wh W U alsoso thank you Noriati. Yeah, that's very good. Also don't No one likes a sameerase mr Hitler. Yeah Also clit on it, Dra I mean, twenty minutes of same phraces, twenty minutes of the same phraces.' we're not going to do them more. It's another sweltering hot day here at the News Round studio. How did Joh Craven do it? I don't know Rich, I think you couldn't sweat. John Craven. Is that right? Yeah, he had He had a shook On Sotshot they got electrocuted on Sotshot and then had super toowers One of which is that he could never lie here. And the other was that he could't the sweaty you sure this was Joh Craid yet Um Im you're sweating on. you can see the sweat on your your little tink t shirt. Yeah You feeling okay? Look, we're not to ask if I'ming okay. I'm professional We'll carry. I'm feeling really good today My treatment continues on Monday. I'll feel a bit bad for a week And then hopefully we're just back into Full on flow twenty four hour day news Except I'm going on holiday for a bit of midline then August I'm going to Edin Fringeet and then back on holiday again, o yeah. So you know, I'm not going to be do much regardless anyway. Yeah. U What was I gonna to say? I don't know what gonna say Oh yeah, I was going to say look, we've got to work hard. We can't mess around too much. We've got to get this into five minutes So let's I don't think people appreciate how difficult it is to keep these down to five minutes, you know, with no one really congratulates us on that And every day we get these all this stuff just It feels like fifteen, twenty minutes of stuff, but we get it into five minutes and that is why we're pros and that's why channel five set yourselfs higher higher set your sights higher Can you anduns res setet your sights higher? than you U Look, we're just we're just trying to get through this. maybe if we sell enough t shirts we can afford to get some air conditioning put into the into the studio. We're not going to waste it on that nad troke for the two days of a year, it's half of year Get some fugging heating in here for the winter, that's a good idea Thank you, Mariarti t shirts. I think they'll be on sale until july fifth, maybe the morning of july the sixth and then Chris Evans, not that one He's gonna sort it all out. So you've got a little bit of time to go there. Gofasterstrike d. com slash Ali AWLY Thank you to everyone who has bought one so far. They've been surprisingly popular Um So you sold more than one. We've sold more than one. So thank you very much, everyone who's joined in. We will Think of some other ways we can give you some fun merch and raise a little bit of cash to keep this thing on the road yeah. rehears there isn't making money anymore? Is? I don't know the fed say it's not making any money, but it's Certainly not making the money it once was. so we're trying to brranch out and do other things like movies. Oh yeah, can I do the in it note? You can't be in it. and can't do a movie the amazing. Well maybe we'll do another one with you U Yeah the good I come alive and I start telling you to kill Thetel and you kill Thetel, it might work It's never been done I'm lookinginking at it and mill done and train I'm looking at it. And also do I have any other things Rises? I think that's it So what you're talking about three and hardly in mines. We talk about who Freedom, Hardy Willis. No, you're talking about streed and Hardy Willis. It is a re,in't it? I'munciating Well? Suddenly, it's very hot I' one hundred and thirty four years old. It's amazing. I'm living I could die at any second. anyway, look, weve got to get this into five minutes. So let's Let's crack on. We don't want to let the channel down I don't like the fact that they've got that Sriday Kum cut up against this. No one wants a comeum cut up against them, do they? It some that sae Satday the Nana I mean a long time ago Today, you may have seen on the grown up news that rooyal news are these buttons The king, King Charles IId is he the king? I thought it was Queen Elizabeth II. Me too. but apparently this guy's been king For a while now, then what happen to the quQeen. maybe in the tow you might be locked in the towel. that's what they tend to do when they when they have someone in their way He's revealed his tax bill he's paying tax Oh that's amazing whichich of the king is paying tax and thatag your that. King Chles The first would never have paid tax. would not. Henry VII wouldn't never pid tax. No, we had to pay tax to them, but King Charles is a modern monarch. He's paying ten million pounds a year I tax. That is amazing. It's an amazing Well we're so lucky to have in this king and he puts ten billionth hands into the coffers help keep this country going. U God, save I'm trying to I'm trying to do a, you know, do that thing, you know, where you put your hand up to your head. Yeah, what is that called Very hot is it Rich here Absolute. you mean? Yeahah, try and try to do a salute Well it's coming out like us look Gods sa donon't do the gracious p. No, come on Sorry, there was a break period in the nineteen thirties, Richard doite I flired did Nazis an Island knick it. that I saw the arid my wways When Hitler lost the war. Okay And then I decided to not do that anymore until things chang.ook we don't I don't want to get cancellled. Neither of us are particularly Nazi in this I think the Nazis were wrong And bu everything. Well we yeah, everything. yeah. So they shouldn't have had And trains running or anything like that out there I think the basic they were not. We haven't got time to get into this. We're talking about the King Charles. He's paid ten million pounds in tax and I think that isthough we does say there Royal public funding has doubled to one hundred million Yeah,s didn't it? So we get he's giving ten million. Yeah,'s nice guy and he's giving us ten million But we're giving him a hundred million. Yeah, he said nice guy he's getting this You know, so in the aggregate We're giving him ninety million pounds here So his ten million attacks will go pay a tenth of what we're paying him. It's still good Rich. I don't think it is that good Also, if you look at further news in the Gown up news His crown ofestake made more than a billion pounds in profit for the third year running. It's three billion pounds, ye He's paying taxes Ten million. yeah Is that? I mean, that's not even I mean, I never can quite remember what a billion is. it's more than you think. It's not as much as a trillion there is. There's no He's no Elon Nusk. No he's only making a billion a year. That's fair enough. It's just a regular billion a year. He's making off the own of stakes. He's paying ten million. I think that might be one percent of a billion. okay Let's say it's ten percent Now that would certainly be the that might it might let's say it's ten percent. ye paying ten percent tax yet So which seems not enough to Well he has a lot of expenses, you know crams and had getting dresses to Canilla pacod dolls and stuff Taying off his Prince Andrew, No we don't call him. we're sorry for Andrew now. You don't like him. You don't call him. I'm one who calls him Prince Andrew. Taying off Andrew and that and monk Jack theana Saturday the Nana Chessing in the dentures. Yeah, that costs a lot of money. taxis. Yeah, it probably takes a lot of taxis. Tube Tube pass every day, Tube pass. I don't know if you can claim for tube passes, that seems Lunch, Tesco the ordeal. Yeah I mean, it does add up the expenses, but it still feels Hey we're giving him nineteen million. Well, we're giving one hundred million. He's giving us ten million. He's making a billion. which feels to me like You know, I'm paying Isn't it like forty percent tax once you get to a certain point, thirty to forty percent tax I feels they actually more than ten minilles f. doesn't it does feel a bit more And it feels like we shouldn't also be paying him Even if he were to pay thirty or forty million We'd still be giving him fifty or sixty million. Yeah. Feels wrong, something it just feels a bit wrong to me somehow. Okay, well, that's just you Rich the rest of us look at you think. King Charles IId, what a guy He is an at theatola and he comes out very well. He's paying his tax rich And we should always be very crrouded in that. Also that one hundred million doesn't just go to him p through all the other millions of royals and st keep them going Yeah, I guess. He's own the houses. Well again, Buckingam Palace costs three hundred and ninety million to repair. Yeah. I don't think that's part of this money. okay. And he's not even to live this Karen living in Clarence House, okay He's Clarence. Are he's a guy that I think debunks, I think Prince Charles There's a spare room, where there might just be a bunk bed that Prince Charles can go in and it's cheap. mean he's saving money he's in Clarence's house Is it central? It's pretty central, I think Docking in the hallouse is quite similar. I mean he's got some central properties and he's got some properties aren't like Windsor that's quite a difficult commute so and Balmorre is a long way away. so you know, we paay to repair his houses. Yeah, that seems there. We pay him just to pay all his staff and keep all his you know Pay all its expenses, yeah He pays us some tax on his billion pounds a year? Yeah. I thought but we're paying his expenses. so why is he taking expenses I would look into that because if it turns out he's claiming expenses on one company but then taking expenses somewhere else. be potentially embarrassing for King Charles thed. I think we're saying is what a great guy he is Thank you very much King Charles. Well, we're going to talk to the only royal correspondent we have on this really former royal. Oh, I'm not that fucking c Yeah. I'm not going to hit sit around He tried to kick me last time. I know, you know what He tried to kick me last day I was here at Chan know, it was nasty. I didn't rise to it. No, you didn't not immediately. did you see that photo of him with a black eye? I did. Well. Kind cheeky knee I'm cheeky and I need to be and I'm deadly when I need to be I'm gonna come to your house tonight and I'm gonna fuck your dogs and then I'm going to kill you once. Why are you gonna fuck their dogs? Just be rid of fun All right, when it's time to meet our royal correspondent And I really I've got him for here just for one reason really. Hello, Richard is me the u The future the f Prince Andrew, please, we don't We don't deadname people here on this podcast. This is Andrew Mount Baton, Mount Jack Testicle. camera book Rick and Morty. W Fi bf to Okay, let's sign in. donon't we it tch It's good to see it's very good to be here. It's a little bit warm. It's a little bit warm here in the studio today. T. Yeah Ie or better, yeah. How about that when too that picture of you in the car can you recreate that Yeah that's how you looked, isn't it? they they got my good side Richard in that picture He well to be here. I uh You enjoy the sunshine? Yeah is the sunshine new fine I would say you're looking a bit the shiny there on your forehead. No Richard. No forehead is not shiny Like John Craven, I in the needeleood sweat, I was Also, I was on S shop within the week you was executed. I was executed. I tried to full the John Craan of the electrical thing is electrocuted by they never do that Yeah because then you get electrocuted too We've both got an executed sort of fuse together. We are able to read each other's thoughts psychically I get a lot of stuff I got a lot of country file coming through, do you? That's all I can here country fou, country filile, country file You sure that's what you're hearing I'm just lying there at night it's like it's outside the window. Crofile. Cryfile. He' sure it's countrofile Yeah. You sure it's not contipedophile.'s country thou, country thou, countryra thou and that's due to my u my psychic connection Lar Jon Craan and that's how I can't sweat Al also the foralkless didn't help that Rich I have to say. I was just dying to sweat and then I got scared in Fulks, you got sched here? I'm a n rich and just a man with a man's knees And That's good land And kind have been me not paying my tax because u I was in gales North London. E Gales that's quite a market for you. Yeah, it's nice having a They've got a nice pld sandwich. It's got more salt than loads of McDonald's burgers that No? I don't Anyway, yeah, so look, do you think it's fair that your brother's paying so little tax when we're paying him so much money? Listen, Richard. I would never sneak ill of my brother. On to say were he sadly to die? Yeah. Very sadly if he were to die and his two boys were to die. ye And all that their kids were today die Yeah, in a terrible accent of some kind Ny Sland Wars upon Eecutable Is Eecutable yeah some kind of electric field around in the And next time they' croquet, you could turn the central bit into like a conductor of some kind And then Oh the Mall it Ihead have like charge inside the new pressor button bang everyveryone's dead then I will step in Richard I will be the king if the people want me to be the king. I don't mean the people do want you to be king Well, it is my royal proclamation. It says I come next, come next y? Not Princess and no No chicks d, Mate. isn't that the newule yet? She's too late for it I couldn't mind Princess Anne being the Queen Anne, that would be good,n't Queen Anne But betteret, Queen Andrew, well Queen Andrew,ah you can't judge me how I decidedly kind of female queen You lost your mind little literally All right, well'd love to see Prince Andrew. Ive mean Andrew, Mount Batten, Windsor. Now Struggling to think of the word I'm struggling. It's very hot, isn't it? Yeah? And I'm not sweatating because I can't sweat. I can sweat. Well, you ob you never had a shock in your life Rich I'meating and I'm sweating through my shirt It's awful Have we done five minutes yet? We may have done five minutes. They go there. he sees the f the artist formerly known as Prince etcetera H to keep him away from the artist formerly known as Ali Slotha, Ai. What an absolute fucking country thle, isn't he? Well, that's what they say about him. Is that that is that a Portmantau? that I think they've made Port Nantau especially for him just to make it easier Deda file is a little bit of an alpool, isn't it? Well, we'll have to ask the Epstein files about that So just make it countryile. everythingthing is Kushi. Why is the R coming countryfile stock, Rononey? Okay I love the country more than anyone, so I'm a country file. goodood. I've got I'm going to have to go. You're doing there very though. nmooth cancer and incurable cancer. thank you very much. Do buy a t shirt at goofuserstripe. com slash Ally. C and see us at the Edinburgh fringe. N No not you. Richardhering d. com slash Rellist toper Everything's progressing okay. I should be definitely fine by