Final Thoughts and Podcast Conclusion

Hey rat fans, thanks for downloading my podcast. Um not quite sure what's happening in June, thanks to a medical procedure I have to go through. We've had to uh cancel those Leicester Square Theatre gigs on the first and eighth of july, but hopefully we'll be back for everything else. Uh everything happening the first week of June is fine, including uh the we're doing two shows now at the Roman Theatre in St. Albans. The six PM show is sold out. There's now an additional show at eight thirty PM It's me and Katie Wilkins, a very promising stand-up comedian doing two sets in a Roman theatre with some old jokes for Romans and some new jokes that I've never done before. Richard ing.com slash gigs for links to that would love to see you there. I'm not sure how many stand-up gigs I'll be doing in the next few months, so come along to that one if you can. And of course Rahalastapa is at the Edinburgh Fring e for the first 12 days. Richard ring.com slash Rahalastapa . We're doing 14 shows in 12 days. So there's every chance you can come and see us. Would love for you to support us with that one if you can. Hopefully we'll see us through to the new year and then who knows what's going to happen to Rohelastabar after that. Not me . Not me, I don't know. Okay, RichardHarring.com slash gigs Richard Herring.com slash for Hallistapur if you want to add a little bit of financial support to keep the podcast going go faster stripe dot com slash badges and you get loads of lovely rewards. Thanks for listening. Do tell your friends and so on we love you goodbye Welcome to season two of a good girl's guide to murder Jamie Reynolds she's supposed to testify against Max. And then he goes missing two days before the trial starts. Oh, nothing's to do with me. You're lying, Max. No, I can't do this again. I'm gonna help the people I care about. Stop pushing people away. Why couldn't you just leave everything on what if I'm not good enough the new series of a good girl's guide to murder watch on bbc i player this podcast is brought to you by GIFGAF. There's always something exciting happening in the world of tech with new phones and features launching all the time. If you love having the latest features, that's great, but it doesn't always mean you have to pay full price to get a brilliant phone. That's where GIFGAF comes in. Their refurbished phones give you access to top brands and high-quality devices for a lot less. Every phone is careful ly tested so you know you're getting something you can rely on, and the only real difference? The price tag. So if you're looking for a smarter way to upgrade, Gift Gaff's refurbished range is well worth a look. Gift Gaff's refurb ished phones are a more sustainable choice that reduces waste and have eighty percent battery health or better, and a minimum twelve month warranty, which means they've been professionally data wiped, properly checked, and tested. Shop GiftGaff's wide range of refurbished phones at giftgaff.com Terms apply see Giftgaff.com slash refurbished On SBC two now it's Bailey 's Comet, a documentary about Bill Bailey's attempt to revive the fortunes of defunct electronic retailer Comet. His idea is that all customers should wear roller skates and have the chance to win a million dollar prize if they can follow a series of clues that will take them all round the world. The idea flounders when the living expenses of this open-ended competition turn out to be a lot more than a million dollars and so the series ends without ever finding out who won the million dollars and I'm still really fucking angry about that Bailey's Comets that we never found out who I guess it was Bailey's Comets probably what would have won . But a lot of you won't even know what Bailey's comments is but I fucking liked it so t suck on that. Now on SBC one though it's Richard Alice Craven News Rand will it be the old man with the red nose finally Sorry, I d rive just looking for the story we're covering this week. fallen off my uh fallen off my phone I'd had it a minute ago. We'll be with you, we'll join you very shortly as soon as I find it. It's very important we have it. I saved it and everything, but I don't know how you get to the save bit . Maybe it's gone. No there it is. Alright, we're off. Right, pretend to talk. Alright . Hello and welcome to another month on Rich and Alice Craven News Round. Some people thought it would only last a week or two. Those people don't know me very well, do they, Ali? They don't. I'm Richard Herring. This is Ali Sloper. It's Monday, June the first , twenty twenty six. I'm quite pink. You're a red herring Yes, not a nine cheeky knee. Woohoo! I'm winking at it. Woohoo ! No, that's not it either. Uh that no, that's not that one. Where's it gone? Woohoo, it is that one. Um thank you Mariati. Don't start trying to get thank you, Moriarty. Thank you, Nariati. We're not doing a t-shirt saying thank you, Moriarty, with your face. Are you not? Oh well thank you, Noriati, for that. Don't try don't li if you're gonna do these same phrases slip them in gently. Uh that's what she said. No, that's not even your cat catchphrase. I mean that's barely yours either. Most of these are copied of other people. Well thank you, Nariati. Don't We don't want to do um don't want a new one. Don't put your eggs in a basket was a good one. It wasn't we don't get let's get out of the way early. That wasn't any good. That's not going on a t-shirt. Thank you, Nariati is a hot gotta hop not . Um anyway th we're here, I'm Rich Terring soon to appear on uh celebrity pottery extravaganza. I don't think that's what it's called, Rich. You should find out the name. I should do. This is Ali Sloper, who will make an appearance on that show uh in some form. Oh is it in tottery? I c I'm not allowed to say. I mean it probably is tottery though isn't it, 'cause that's w in some form you're on a tottery show. Is it a tottery version of the I'm not allowed to say, so don't don't even ask me questions about it 'cause I'm not even allowed to say Tom obviously that . You looking around the room to see if the thing's there. No, I'm not. Anyway, it's very it's a very good show. I'm very much looking forward to whenever it comes out. Who will who knows? Anyway, it's lovely to be here for a week. We do want to get this down to five minutes a day. Um we've got four th fifty six seconds left. Um so we should crack on with uh with everything, shouldn't we? Well yes, that would be nice if we did. Don't overdo the thank you Moriarty because it will pa it will fade very quickly if you just do it too much. I wasn't gonna say I could see in your face you were gonna say thank you Mori ati. It doesn't even mean it does it just mean thank you, Noriati. It's not sarcastic, is it not? Isn't is it implying I'm evil? No, it's just thank you, Moriati. It's just a nice thing to say. Why Moriarty? Why not? The thing Rich within a successful catcher is it doesn't even have to make sense, it doesn't have to mean anything six seven, does it? Six seven, six seven That's where even my son won't do six seven anymore and he loves he had a calendar on his wall and just a little thing with the date and he put six seven on every single entry. That's how much he loves six seven and even he doesn't do six seven. Six seven six don't do it like that. That looks like something different. Um let's crack on, we've got a great news story today. Is it about genitalia in some way? Well no no is it about cocks or testicles? No actually no it isn't about that. So the the surprise is on you isn't it? That is the surprise The surprise is on thee is that your same phrase The surprise is on you That's not a phrase it's not even the same phrase 'cause not even a phrase. The surprise is on you today, Ali, because it's not about male genitalia. Well it's sort of is. Is it yeah? It's half about male genital it's about genitalia, is it? Yeah. But that's not all we're interested in. We just we cover the stories that come up that the lame stream media won't cover. Really, look, I'm just I'm just hoping this will lead some did you know lead you did the incarcerated and in a mental hospital of some kind, Richard? Do you think that's where it might lead? Well, that's very rude thing to say about the BBC. Uh hey, I'm cheeky knee. It wasn't you who said it. You're cheeky, you make your hair fly up. I can't make my hair fly up. It was very good, Richard. Um they won't put you on now will they? They might do sometimes they like it. I saw Simon Cowell being someone he's not on the V V C and this is by the by I saw Simon Cowell being being roasted by a comedian at the weekend and he loved it he loved the roasting, yeah. So you need to if you if Simon if you roasted Simon Cow and he likes it, you're not roasting him hard enough is what I would say. What would you say to Simon Cowell if you were there on Britain's got talent? I would say, hello, Mr Cowell, this here's I'm a comedian. Here is my inappropriate stuff about largely about my own genitals. God . What's I thought I just had hopes of you know being when I started out I thought I might be the voice of my generation. Don't you crying, I'm not I've just got tears in my eyes because it's um I thought you know, and then all I've ended up is being a guy who's talking about jet his genitals to audiences, they love it rich, they don't love it. Do my very small audiences about my genitals yeah that seems somewhat and throat yet. It it's very small audiences I think we get where you're going with this. 'Cause also your genitals are very small and they're not they're actually above average site and my testicle is massive because I've got a I've got a sort of cyst on it that's like doubled its size so I've actually got a massive testicle. You're laughing at yourself, yeah. I don't think that's the bit that we oh did you see that guy he had a one nascent testicle. I have to have six with him, and I think that th that's not the your genders that should be massive. Also the other testicle that was taken out was massive as well. Yeah. So I've actually got two massive testicles, just one of them you have to go to a medical facility to look at. That's what that's what women want they want to go with nascent testicles wonder which In heart that you throttle, I don't know what it is . I miss it. I miss it very much. Well, you can always talk to your tothothe. He hasn't heard on here, has he? No, shall we get on with the ch show? And so I don't want to end up just being the guy who talks about cocks and gen itals. Alright, get into the news story. Well, you may have seen on the grown-up news that uh masturbation among birds is natural and should not be punished. Say experts or experts on bird mastur bation yeah experts on bird masturbation, yeah. Who becomes an excerpt on that exactly, Richard? Be just normal scientists again, like the cloning bloke, just normal scientists who uh just say what what do you want to study? Do you want to study flight patterns? Uh if you're in birds, do you wanna study you can study anything do you want to study the planets, do you want to study? Um you know, the uh can't think of anything else, can't think of anything else in it There you go. The guy's gone, um can I become an expert in bird masturbation? No do you want to just um what just should we just do bird you could become an expert in birds? No, just them masturbating, please. Do birds even masturbate? Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't it? So masturbation of birds is natural, is it Richard? Is natural, yeah. And is that is it natural for a human to get involved in that and and that's the the the birds. I don't know they don't mention whether that's natural. Um I don't they don't mention whether it's natural. I'm interested to know is it natural for a man to get in if the bird is up for it and you know just have a little fiddle with the cloaca. Is it natural for if the bird is masturbating, is it natural for the scientist, the expert who's watching it, also just to masturbate, just to in sympathy . Not necessarily getting off on watching the bird, it could be that, it could be they could be looking at something else but just masturbate together. Like the beetles used to do, but the the insect no the pop band they used to masturbate in the same room together. That's a little fact about John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Is it yeah? Um you know there was nothing sexual about it, they just did it in the same room together in the dark. Why? That's how they that's how they is it not is it's m can you talk? And I'm embarrassed now. Uh an investigation into acts of self pleasuring among parrots and other birds has reached a climax. The guardian here being a little bit cheeky about this subject, and I would just like to say that I don't think this is a subject for humour, the Guardian. This is a serious subject. The guy who has come up with this, or the woman who's come up with this, has studied this, they've become an expert in it, and they don't they don't just want you to be making double entendres as they as we go do that's not what they're did somebody say the guardian you know I mean climax and all that sh you know that's the kind of thing you should be do you should be doing that's your job not in this show necessarily don't know why you keep popping anyway. Bird keepers are often advised to discourage and even punish birds for masturbating, are they? Yeah It's the Victorian times and the verdict thing world, I think it maybe it is. The study found the activity was common in the wild more common in the world than in captivity. Of course when a bird is free. That's what they do when you have that image of a cage bird and it flies out in this free the images, then it gets in the tree and fucking goes to town and it's clacker, doesn't it rich? That's that's what always happens in that image. When they release doves in the Olympics then the gut doves are going and they're f frotting against the Olympic rings with their cloacas . I love a cloaca and really do. Um sh shall I do my joke, John? Do you wanna do your j jokeoke? I'll do my. Where does a bird keep its uh sexual organs uh when it goes to a nightclub? I don't know, Richard. Can you tell me in the cloaca room? Cloaca the cloak room, yeah . It's a good joke, Rich. I made that myself. Oh my s my son came up with a joke. Uh why shouldn't you do maths in the jungle? Well I said because uh if you had four and four you get eight eight eight and eighty he made that up himself. That's a good joke. We're gonna try I'm gonna try and have him on. I'm doing a new podcast. I think he might be on my new podcast myself. He's very funny and he's very much a chips off the old vlog, isn't he? That joke is about the standard of the jokes. I don't really like to do jokes, and this is a serious show. Again, like and you know, we are a lot of people um would just be laughing at this subject and thinking this is like the people in the guardian, the person in the guardian, Ian sample. He created the sample, which he did. The science enter of the guardian is taking this subject and he's being very lighthearted about it, and we're not going to do that. We're gonna be um so doctor Chloe Hayes been look watching the date. Our big finding is masturbation is not a negative response to captivity, it's widespread in birds and it's perfectly natural and a healthy behaviour that's part of their repertoire of sexual behaviours. Well, you know, she would say that if she wanted to watch birds masturbating, she only someone who wanted to watch birds masturbating with all the comment on this. That's not true. She's a researcher, she's an expert. This is the chosen field she's gone into for whatever reason. We don't know why she's chosen this and we can't assume it's for her her own pleasure. Researchers historically tended to assume birds either did not masturbate or did only so under the stress of captivity. But Hayes says the behaviour was quite common and distinctive. I had a pack cockatiel that masturbated all the time she said if you ever see a bird masturbate you absolutely know what that bird is doing. I've never seen a bird masturbate, Chloe, I can say that. Um avian onanism is widespread amongst species including parrots, ducks, turkeys and chickens and more common in the wild than we've got that, you've said that a lot. Typically male how do they do it, Rich? That's my question. Do they use their wings? Are they using their beak? Are they able to lick their own kalaka? I don't think they can though it would be dangerous to get their beak down there. Uh what they do, males will rub quite vigorously on their perch, a toy or a twig, or their owner's hand, foot or shoulder. Oh god . I mean it is turning into something . Uh Hay said females tend to lift their tail and back onto convenient objects oh God And it's anal and and the ginal at the same time, isn't it? Well it's genital and anal at the same time the clackers uh does everything. It's a beautiful system the birds have there, the lizards, the dinosaurs. Oh if I could I wonder if ma if wonder if dinosaurs masturbated. I mean that's if that's if I was an exponent, so I mean that's what I'd be looking into . Trying to find a fossil of you know dinosaur backing onto a twig . It might be the activity sometimes accompanied by wing flapping and vocalizations not typically heard from the bird. Asked if they show any signs of self loathing or Catholic guilt. What? They they're not Catholics, are they? They're birds, they haven't they've got different gods to us. Uh Hayes thought not. I don't want to say satisfied, but they do look different after they finish, he says. Bet they bet they do . They're all uh speckled hens by the time you're finished with them, not they rich kid, that was nice. Little callback there to the whole speckled hens, yeah. And you finish with them, that doesn't make sense. Um hobbyists reveal that someone is Oh you just gonna read out the whole argument I think it's an interesting article. I had to find it. Revealed someone is a sort of veterinary help when they caught their birds masturbating they caught them . Yeah. Do they have the little do thing what do they use Drittch to when they're do they have little pictures of other birds? Do they look at themselves in their mirrors and imagine their other birds and look at that ? Do they nice do they just have a picture of some tits? Get it rich. Yeah, we don't do jokes we don't do jokes like this on this show. Did somebody say nearer that's not again you missed it. Uh in real extreme cases vets would give the birds drugs or hormonal therapies. I mean it's like the it's really like the Victorian times for birds. I'm glad I'm glad Chloe what's her face, Chloe Hayes is out trying to stop this. Vets shouldn't advising owners to stop birds doing this unless it's a obviously causing a chronic problem like a prolapse. Oh my god. But that's the absolute minority of cases. So hey says and only a pervert will get off looking at those, she says. No, she didn't say that . D octor Anna Basto Doctor Vasto Masterbasto Well I don't know if Anna is a I guess Anna's a a woman again. It's a lot of women looking into the masturbatory habits of uh birds, I'm guessing. This research is pivotal, just like the birds masturbating, and will soon be a step towards achieving a more holistic understanding of how and why birds behave the way they do. I mean that's as that we know when they said it would it was all right for humans to masturbate. I you know where this is gonna lead. It'll be dogs masturbating next. It'll be birds masturbating. People didn't listen to me. I said stop all masturbating. They didn't listen and this is the this is the result. Uh Doctor Mat Matilda Brindle, an evolutionary biologist at Oxford University gone to Oxford University, studies co author. You gone to Oxford University and you're looking at birds wanking, and that's your now your job Is your mum proud of you, doctor Brindle? Matilda Brindle? The work added to a growing body of literature that highlighted how non reproductive sexual behaviours occurred across the animal kingdom. The fact that masturbation seems to be even more common in wild birds than those in captivity, yeah, we said this fifteen times, has huge implications for their welfare and also for anyone who likes watching birds masturbate. That's what Matilda brought. Oh no, she didn't say that last bit. Especially given that folk husbandry often advises bird keepers to discover discover discouraged or punish this behaviour. Sometimes even resorting to surgery and hormonal hormonal interventions. It's a terrible world, and it's terrible it's taken this long for the bird world to bit have their masturbation accepted. I think it is um let's see. We haven't got a report, we've got someone in the studio to talk about this because uh we you might not think we've got a bird correspondent if you're only a fan of Newsround, but of course if you have watched Rich and Alley's Craven Newsround, all of those on YouTube and as podcasts. They're all there somewhere. There's uh 99 F episodes, something like that. Never got to hundred we never got to hundred episodes. Maybe we'll bring back no . Uh there we do have a bird character who is a reporter. I d I don't remember much about them. They weren't particularly post popular . Uh but here they come now. It's Looneybird Always had a slight problem with the green screen with Looneybird. It's Looneybird. That's right, Looneybird doesn't speak, does it Looneybird? You just you just go squeak, don't you ? And then I th I think you just sort of uh attack small children's genitals like Amy, didn't you? I think that's if you got if you got angry, you just uh does your mouth even move? So do you I hope this isn't a personal question, Looneybird. One squeak for yes, I think generally. Um do you masturbate? Looneybird's looking at me for the audio listeners . Did anyone listen to this on audio, Rich? I think some people do. Uh for the audio listeners. Um Looneybird is I mean really I mean I'm quite intimidated . I d it's just for the sh the show loon was that a yes uh I think it was a grunt of d uh of anger. Do you and how would you uh do it if you were gonna do it . Oh my god. I mean the l I don't know if you can see. I'll I'll try and do the looking see if the we'll look into the camera. Look how uh angry Looney Bird is. Uh Looney Bird, you can Ah Looney Bird On BBC iPlayer Gareth. Simple question really. Do you think you're up to this? 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Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals, get matched with a therapist online based on your unique needs, and get help with everyday struggles like anxiety or managing tough emotions. Visit betterhelp.com forward slash random podcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy and let life feel better . On SPC2 Now it's crossover fun. The Flintstones meet the Jetsons, in which a family from the future discovers the remains of a Stone Age family all tragically killed when their car was tipped over by some giant dinosaur ribs, but so much time has passed the Flintstones and their pets and Barney and Bam Bam and Betty and Pebbles and um the female Flintstone one Wilma. They're all now just oil, which the Jetsons use to fuel their spaceship. So it's basically just a regular episode of the Jetsons, I suppose. Can't all be gold. On SPC One N itow's Rich and Allie's Craven News Round. They're definitely not made of oil . That's good Oh . Hello, welcome to Rich Night's Craven News Round. It's Tuesday the second of June 2026. If you're watching in the future, which I'm sure you are, uh to get a handle on all the news that was going on before the apocalypse. I'm Richard Herring. This is my compatriot Ali Sloper. Hello, thank you, Nori ati, and can I just ask you about this? Thank you, Mariati catchphrase. It's proving very popular, of course. No one likes a single trace rich though. No one does, but people like this one. Is it sarcastic in some way? Are you implying the other person's an evil genius? No, Richard, it's just a sincere thank you. Just like saying thank you, that you say thank you, Nariati. It's a very sincere thank you. Well, if it's just a sincere thank you, why don't you just say thank you in a sincere way? It's a way to make sure people know that your thank you is sincere thank you, Mariati . I mean it sounds a little bit sarcastic it sounds more sarcastic than thank you there. Well it isn't, which is just a way of saying thank you in a sincere way. What you talking about, doctor Watson? Is that you one ? It'd be very sure I can send that a few talk what you talking about, doctor Watson Uh certainly the other sister misses Gripridges, is that her name? Um Mrs No Hatherfro Hatherthrop. Is it is it Tones and Watson and Mrs. Hatherthrop, the housekeeper yeah. Mrs. Hatherthrop she had a the thid at strop and she wouldn't tweet the staircase any law So we locked her in the scullery and performed her neck at the other and suddenly she wasn't complaining any just run more more with. Yeah. And I d and uh I know this is an historical artifact, but um That did not sound like consensual sex No, that's actually success uh consensual well I think you should put that in the song. It's not my song to change it. So you locked her in the scullery and then while she was locked in she said, Please have anal sex with me. Yep, you got it, that's the Thank you, Nariati you're gonna break thank you Mariati and I don't wanna break thank you Mariati. This could be my ticket out of here, thank you Mariati. Well don't keep saying it then thank you Mar and you said thank you and thank you you can't say it like that you've got to say thank you Mariati very clearly Ennunciate Rich enunciate like I do why you're so sloppy when you speak I do apologise thank you for helping me withan my enunciation, Moriati ? No, just Ali . Well that sounds sarcastic. You don't put Noriati So you're saying now any thank you without Moriarty on the end is going to be considered sarcastic. That is correct, Rich. You're talking consider ed Come on . Very sloppy speaking today, Richard, and they're going to have the Tom Nice show. This is news round. The world the eyes of the world you just made a mistake. I could you the eyes of the world are upon us. We're here to deliver the news new Sit a dunk to your eggs in the basket and let's get on with it. I'm not gonna put my eggs in a basket, let's get it out of the way early. I really think we could just pepper these catchphrases through rather just doing them all at the start yelly and you've just and you've there's so many I think you've forgotten some some some of them. Do if you forget thing trees it was dead I mean do write in if we've forgotten any of your favourite same phrases Anyway look we've just doing a quick one today, we're gonna keep this to five minutes. I've got seven seconds left, Rich really? It's very hard, isn't it how did John Craven manage to get it all in the whole new world news you had ten minutes Richter? Well that explains it. I if it was ten minutes I could do it. You'd it would never have done one in under ten minutes . Well I don't know if that's true. I don't know if all that's true but I got you and baby you've got me. I think you got that the wrong way around Ali . We could do this this could be our Christmas number one. I I've got you've got me and baby I've got Ali Babe And then we get You got me Dave Yeah you want you you you're I think this could be the Christmas number one if we We'd have to work on it, probably not l live on uh stage. I I it it it makes me cringe so that my asshole is retracted right inside my body, Rich. The idea of seeing you on Todd the thought singing I got you knee You could do that I wish I could try right to the sky the tech and who was that which one was that that was one of the Oh was it it was donkey unit yeah where's the birthdayy donke gone? I wish I could hear but I haven't got ears. That was a classic. I wish I could hear but I haven't got ears. Oh I can't you can I can't Yeah it was good for a lot of effort to it in those days Rich back in the uh Twitch of Thun day well you can go and catch all the Twitch of Thun episodes Uh um there's ninety nine F at least out of a shame they never got to a hundred. It is a shame we never got to a hundred. Is that a catch race yet? Um And there's seventy odd of these, I think, you know, more approaching seventy . Is this the whole is this the sum of your works rich I think it is. Is this how it ends ? We be just doing this every day till I die at think so rich Forgotten, ostracised, hated, yeah. All of those th I mean, you know, you'd have to the odd ostracized did the ostracized. You're saying I was never and saying you're always you always you're never str racized, you're always ostracized. I don't know what the opposite of ostra cized stuff you can't even say it. Ennunciate rich is this in you Why don't you enunci ate Rich? Ennunci ate Theta Python Tethers It's easy. She's seashells on the seashore. I can't do that one. She shows she shells. She sells seashells on the seashore. Didn't quite get it right. She sells seashells on the seashore. She sells seashells on the seashore. You got it! I think he's got it. I think he's got it. The rain in things and we're really not keeping this um to uh the the length uh the I was hoping. Did some thirty say seashells? I like those, they're pretty length . Right, look, let's have a look at today's news. You may have seen on the grown up news uh Peter Mandelson files are out uh according to probably the BBC, I can't remember. According to Jennifer McKiernan , um, there are five questions left unanswered by the Manson Files. Do you want to? And before we go on, I should say the BBC's made a big mistake there. Of course, whenever you do a story about Peter Mandelson, part of his punishment that we've all agreed on, this is the photo you must use to illustrate Peter Mandelson. I don't mind if you just zoom in on him as long as the pants and the little the little white nappy are in there that's cool with me. So that babe shame on you BBC for for not using that picture. That is his punishment. That's one of it I'm not saying that's it, but that's that's the initial punishment for the terrible things he's done. So five questions. Do you wanna do you wanna shot uh guessing what the uh five unanswered questions uh by the mandelson files are? Yes, Richard, uh is one of the questions uh is the universe infinite? Is that one of the questions? Uh well I mean that that is not answered by the Mans on file, so yeah I guess that's one of them. That's four to go. Uh is the question uh which came first, the chicken or the egg rich? That is not answered in the manus of us. That's two. I hope uh Jennifer McKernan got the numbers right here, 'cause that's two already and we that's just off the If a tree falls in a thorestough and no one is around to see it, Rich. Does it make a sound? I I don't know, and you know what? I've read all of the Mandelson files. The what files? Can you please and dance clearly the Mandelson files it's just basic politeness to anunciate your words when you're performing on a broadcast median rich So stop me those slothing with this speech enunciate my boy enunci ate The Dream instinct tos na in the cling all right stop we're not doing my fair lady or pygmal ion or educating Rita It's all the same. Or the or I'll pigmail in the proposal which all sort of . Um Is the question it should do there's shit in the wood. Do what shit in the wood? There's shit there's Can you enunciate their s de ar shit in the wood do there's shit in the wood. Why did you make that funny or not for what I was thinking? I don't know. Debare shit in the wood that is not one of the questions unanswered. Uh it's actually in there it's answered and yes. It d they do shit in the woods, that's in there. Is the Pope Catholic? That's another one. That's uh that's so that's not so so we got three of them. Only two to go. Um Rich , uh when when you know you say that you see the colour red and I say I see the colour red, yeah, how do we know the red we're looking at is the same colour? Is that one of the questions? That could be I mean that is not answered in the Mandelson files, I don't think. I've read most of it. You said you read it all a minute ago, but I d I think it's I'm pretty clear. I'm pretty sure that's so that's four. We got to four. I mean Ali you're doing blind we've only made two mistakes so far. Um Richard, why is dyslexia so hard to spell? Is that one of the questions? Don't we're not here to do your rubbish hack stand-buck comedy, mate. That's not that's that's not in there , but that's is that and then I think there's more than five, Rich Okay. Alright, good sh Richard, yeah, I had the question I had the question without Cinderella Slipper . Okay. Did somebody say Cinderella Slipper? Woohoo hoo hoo think that I'm gonna suppose that that's the closest you've ever got to got to getting one uh cocky garret. Yeah go on what your question's up well Richard if the Cinderella slipper was a perfect fit yeah. Why did it fall off when she ran away from the wall? It's a good that is a good question. I've heard that question before it's a good question. Richard, if everything Cinderella wore and all the coach of the ring turned back to its original form at midnight, why did the shoe not change that to its original form? Why did that stay? It's a good question. It's not answered in the Mandelson file. Richard, yeah. I've got another question about Cinderella slipper. There's a lot questions about the Cinderella slipper tonight. Well I thought these might be the unanswered questions about the Mandelson files, and this one is probably this was probably in the Epstein trials. This thing, right? Yeah. Now, I led to understood that Cindera had an unusually small foot. Yeah, she had a small foot. Then no one else in the land , no other woman in the land had the same size feet as her. She had very tiny feet. I mean was she a grown up woman then? I think she was a grown up woman. That surely like you know, this it's a child, she can't have had a smaller foot than a child, so how did they know well, they knew she was a grown woman, I guess, so that what's the distinction? How did they how do they say that well this Thurston's an adult, this Thurston's a child? Well that is that's a big question for Peter Mandelson. But surely you know the ch the it could have come off the child, so it could have come off for Valey this lither, couldn't it well I don't I could it I don't think the prince would have so what they're saying is that Cindera's foot is so tiny, it was smaller than a baby's foot, so even a baby 's in there. She had this unusually small foot. I think this is a very interesting question. I don't know where you you get this stuff. She had a very small th no one else in the kingdom of the same size th ough, but it must have been smaller than the child thought it must have been smaller than the daily th . I mean eh, I question how old Cinderella actually was, it's never mentioned in the d in the in the story, yeah. So, you know, Nad i the Prince Charning was uh a different fella that we both know may could be. I mean he was yeah Nade was uh Randy Andy Randy Andy Trinchambi. Well he was seen as Prince Charm, was it? So that could be I mean, yeah. So you're saying you think like Cinderella was possibly a fetal baby of some kind. Well that would be the only reason she would have. That's all I'm asking picture uh the question I'm asking, and I want to know was it answered by the Nansen files is how could Cinderella's foot be so small that only her foot fit in the in the slither and no children or dailies. Well I didn't the answer could be that she just had an unusually massive feet, Richard. That was the only thing that make would make sense to me. That's not how the story goes, if she just had feet like a Digfoot. That's a good question. Is there such a thing as a Digfoot? Is that answered in the Nanderson Fars? That isn't answered in the Manderson First. Okay, there she had a hair thought as a Digfoot. As long as there were no Digfoots in the area, then Chandling would know that he was Cinderella, otherwise I just don't see how that anyone could she could have the tiniest in the kingdom. Well, I think they just try they they knew she was an adult, they just tried on adults and she had an unusually small foot for I don't know. Look, you know, I think this is the question to take up with uh Ian Fairy Tale. It's a good question. Richard, yeah. Uh was the question yeah. Who let the dogs out? Was that the question? No, that was the question what's the frequency Kenneth, Richard? That's a good question. Was the question if they said you had a futile body, would you hold it against me? Is that the question? Well I think that question probably that one probably is in the Mandas that probably is answered in the Mandasil files. Uh reluctantly, yes, is probably the answer to that question. Um Why with you there in the tents with no trousers? Is that answered that might be in there. I don't know. But there's I think there's more I think you've made your point very well, Ali. I think w A you've blown my mind about Cinderella. I don't know why where that came from. Well a lot of things I have a lot of time to think Rich inside night little vox. Ennunciate, darling, enunciate. Um but yeah, so I mean I think that I think Jennifer McKinnon is incorrect. I think more than five questions have been left. But well, if the universe is infinite, then what is on the other side of the universe? If God if God created the universe, who created God, and so on to infinity. And if God can just the why can't the universe just the surely the God is better than the universe Good question. Is God capable? Is he perfect is a perfect being capable of creating something in perfect as the universe is? Good question, Ali. Yeah, I'd not answer the manison files or the Epstein files I don't think. How could he do it? How could God if he was perfect and all knowing and all good, how could he even manage to create something as abjectly horrible as this earth. How could he create something as blasphemous and awful as me, Richard? Well I don't think that was my great grandad who cre ated him, but yes that your God created your great granddad knowing he would create me. Then here I am a walking, talking, speaking little man asking the questions that none of you fresh and blood human beings dare ask. Answering them, not looking to the Mandelson trials to answer them, trying to cut up with answers myself . I don't think it's possible for a perfect being degree. I don't think it's possible . We're trying to do like we're trying to do a news programme here. I youf want, you know, if you want to step what go one step where we're trying to do like a humorous thing where it looks like I'm having a mental breakdown, and and and you know, that's the that's the cut there's some comedy in that. Is that that's he's very sick? Uh but we're not trying to create a you know that sort of radio four program where we try and answer philosophical questions. Why aren't we, Richard? I think that could be the way to go . I just want to get on the telly again. So you've never gonna get on the Do you think they're gonna start putting new sixty year old they've got a load of sixty year olds on the telly or do you think you're gonna go let's try a new one? Instead of getting some twenty five year olds in and the news programs, let's get old Richard Erring . Sticking on the test not gonna happen, Rich. You know stop doing this with me threat . And what I don't even get a thank you nor a Therether thing I'd done to you. Well I you know I'd like to thank you. I'll do it sincerely thank you Moriarty Ali for what 's Moriarty. Are you saying you're Moriarty? No. I think we've broken today's episode . Actually Loone yird b did break yesterday's episode, so you know let's not let have them back. Well with that there are a lot of questions unanswered by the Mandelson files. A lot of questions being ignored about the Epstein files. The world is a horrible place. Uh everyone in it is a disgusting cr slim y sex obsessed creature looking out for themselves, hiding terrible secrets and and everyone and it'll be good when the God does finally wipe us out. I thought you were gonna go for humour or the news. I know I've joined you. You brought the tongue down, so I decided to join you. You happy now? Yeah. We deserve to burn in hell, every last one of us . Especially you No no I'm quite you know I'm all right. But even I am imperfect. Even you yeah . Alright, we're gonna go now let's do the thing. Never this never happened on John Craven, did it? This has nothing to do with John Craven, isn't it? We'll uh we won't be around tomorrow. We'll be recording some podcasts, might be around on Tuesday Thursday, won't be around on Friday because I'm doing some podcasts Let's play the little thing on SPC two now it's Looney Tunes, an ill-conceived and offensively titled reality show in which Simon Cowell visits mental health units and forces the patients to sing to him to find out who is the best singer. While Stephen Mulhern pretends to be sympathetic to their contestants' faces, but mugs to the camera about how terrible they are, like to like a total fucking prickwood. Is it really any different to any of Simon Cowell's other shows? Ah Ah did it's it's an R situation, so you should shut up there. Now on SPC one, it's not as good as that. It's al's Craven News Round. It's a good point, well minute. Yeah, it's a good point. Yeah, okay. Oh yeah, which if this we're back you trying to make out that we're talking to each other 24 hours until the cameras come on, and that's why I'm trying to do it . Hello, welcome to Rich and Ice Croven News Round. It's Thursday, June the 4th, 2026 . This is all the news, the l ame stream media won't let you know about they I hate the lame stream media. I am Rich Keith Herring. This is Allie Algernon Sloper. How did you know that little name? Well names Algernon, yeah. It's Al AI Ali Slowper A I Slow The short because Al looks like AI. Yeah, I think they got it. I don't think they did. Uh can I just see that ? Uh hold on we have the thing Ah old on I'm holding on I'm cheeky knee and I'm thinking at it also I'm gonna come into a bed tonight and kill you. Okay, that's very nice, sit on it, though, right? We haven't had so many sit on it, Barbara's recently, have we? No. Is it because I said sit on it, Sally? Did that put you off? No, just you know you gotta ring the changes if you do in the Granges. Is that a new catchphrase? Ring the changes if you're doing the Granges. That's the new scene threes . Well, thank you, thank you . Mariarty. Now we're over that one, aren't we? I don't think so I think that's gonna be When you die well I don't need when you die I think thank you Moriarty will be um will be on your tombst one. Do you think so? Don't do it every time. Aang Cheeky You are cheeky you, that is very much true. Anyway, we are here. We've set up this news channel because I think there's a lot of news that isn't getting through because the the people who control the media there's people who control the media and they decide what you hear, but we underground can tell you what's going on, but we are hoping that a major broadcaster will pick this up and we can go on then and then when they do will we uh will we toe the line and tell the and do whatever they tell us to do. Yeah, w if they're paying us enough money, yeah. At the moment though, no one's paying us anything. So we can tell the tr uth to you sheeple. This is what it's like. Thank you, Mariati. It's no good when you do it. It's that's like Mrs. McCluskey saying Fizzinet Tucker I'm not like Mrs. McCluskey, yes you are . Don't like people won't the kids who watched his show won't know out who Mrs. McCluskey is. I think they will, Richard . I don't think there's anyone under fifty five watching this. Prove me wrong through me wrong and enunciate Richard will you enunciate? I've been enunciating pretty well, not as well as I have And I can't even speak I don't have the voice box and I'm still enunci ating better than you how is that possible It's a good question. Um look we're uh we've right we're trying to get this down to five minutes 'cause uh we keep overrunning we're getting in a lot of trouble. We're fine every time by the channel that we overrun. So we've got a five minute start. There's thirty five seconds to go, Richard. Right, we'll try and get the news in in uh thirty five seconds. Uh apologies to anyone offended by Simon Cowell's uh title of his latest show. I I found that abhorrent. Um again you know I I'm not in control of certainly what's on SBC two. Are you in control of what's on SDC one? No. I have no control over I'm just uh yeah, I'm an underling. I just they they com missioned me to do the news here. Do they know you're trying to get on channel five? They don't know. They think that I'm happy just doing it here. Well I think in the end Rich the controllers of SDC one night had the last laugh here. I mean after someone's done a first laugh, which I think is unlikely to happen. Send them to you on episodes in plus a pilot that was only available to uh Dadgers and uh people on uh I think on Substack T got the the pilot the pilot wasn't very good, yeah. Said then this is the seventy third episode. You'd think you'd be good at it though now, wouldn't you? Well not really 's s you it know it only's I'm in it seventy one times and you know it is the thing about this it we have to react to the news, we have to react to what's coming in in my ear here from Terry the producer. Oh yeah, he's he does a good job. Uh so um you know it,'s obviously you do it a little bit longer you get a little you think you'd be better, Edge I think you do you do better and then try because three fucking years of doing this shit. Nine six years of doing this shit You think you'd the other do without moving your mouth at all wouldn't you? Enunciate, please or you say moving your mouth at all and enunci ating very well thank you it's you who is the lazy streaker here? The lazy what? The lazy stinker doing quite well with the B's and P's 'cause I had good enunciation Dryan Lacid like it Dryan the Lessed I have good enunciation. Imagine trying to say Dryan Blessed without moving your lips, you'd have to be a fucking genius. Dryan Blessed Don ny Blue in the Lul agoon down the Diladong the Diladong the Diladong Di Don't practice your don't practice your bees at people's expense but look people's time is very important. We will tune in this to get bang. We just want the news. Don't want any miss around, don't want any songs. Dry and less the dangs the le Down da the de-da-dong down da the da dong the dang Donny Doo down the the dilda dong down the dilda dong along gang the tuck and then wearin' his hat with corks on he said I'd like to dang Dolly Doo now by the dill dong Dry and Dessen said you could have done that all along Anyone can dang Donny Dlu die the dill dong anyone can dang Dilly Donny Dlu die the dill dong die the dilla dong die the d ung, da de la dung . Is this an opera or something? This is a famous musical song, the Ryan Tessin Dangin Donny Glu, da the de la dong . Well, I didn't understand any of that. So probably you know, probably there was someone in the Victorian crimes called Pl Gryon Glacid who gla uh ganged Goni Glue by the Gilagong. That's not what I said. Edon Gulagong Yeah, you're quite good at saying that. Okay . Again . I don't think we're really appealing to the You know, I want to get the backroom kind of 16-year-olds who are into cool stuff on YouTube. Then we can get make 10 million pounds, 25 million pounds doing the movie of this. That's what we're aiming for. We're aiming to get that. So don't do jokes about Yvonne Goolagong being called Yvonne Boulabong. It's funny though, isn't it? Yvon Boulabong. Evan Dooladong down die the diladong drying that's it danging on e the loo Along came to along came Doddito Rockantoni said to He wasn't there very long 'cause he's thunk up no rut come on the Billy Polly Ball isn't another life to defend himself, so come on I'm a big fan of Bobby Balls. Goggy Gull Gog Goggy Galls, I'm a big fan of Goggy Gull. Doddy Dol try saying that without kneeling your lips, Rich. I'll try Bobby Ball. It's hard. Dolly doll. No, I can't do it. Doddy doll. I'll do it without needing the lips. Doddy doll . That was good. I mean not bad without moving your lips. Doddy oh and no lips there Doddy doll You need your lit as if you're talking and I'll do the voice okay let's try it Doddy doll Doddy uh your mouth looking meeting a bit there Doddy I've got him all let's Dobby ball why don't you just say it? Okay , I forgot that was I forgot that was a possibility. I' letll me do it on the third Body doll. Sorry my man asked it. Body doll . That was very good. I did well there, I think. Okay. We're not intervening trilogies on this show, we're a serious news program. And you've may have seen on the grown-up news that uh Mr. Blobby is back. It's a he's a metaphor for a nation gone soft in the head. According to Claudio uh Winkleman, he is the UK's version of Mickey Mouse, as she tried to explain him to the the guy from Shits Creek. He's all over the shop, he's back, he's in Saturday Live UK. Uh self esteem, see kids, I know all about what's going on in the wor ld. Self esteem had him playing the g a pink guitar in her band, so uh in her pop band, yeah, so self esteem, whatever you know. Can you sing the sell the scene, Stongton the Rich? Yeah, I love self-esteem um hello it's me I'm self esteem I've got very good self esteem that's why they call me self esteem 'cause of my self esteem That's good Rich You should do not sing in yeah. You should be on looney tunes. Don't go bring that back up. I found that very offensive. I'm an advocate for mental health and disabled people and I don't think that word should even be used anymore. Even in the context of the cartoon, yeah. I think it's an offen it's an offensive thing and should be changed. And anyone who came up with that even in the past should be cancelled. Okay. Anyone, uh what do you think about uh Mr Blobby making a comeback? Oh, you know, it's nice to you, Rich, that very untopopular annoying things from the nineteen nineties are now in vogue in the twenty twenties. Just very annoying, high pitched, stupid things who people act who would just kind of fall over and say stupid stuff and just basically saying the same word over and over again. They're that so that should be good news for you because I'm saying I don't understand. It's a bit of a shame for you, Rich, if you know you are not as successful as a someone in a dig pink suit just rolled around saying drodi dradi drodi dro di That's what Bobby Borshness How do you do this? How do you say this stuff? I don't get it . Um So uh yeah look blah blah blah just a message. Let me just check that as a message from the kids' school. I don't know how to And he's coming home. He's coming home. He's coming home. Okay My son's got a bad t stomach. See that's how that's how up to the date um the news is we get the all the news and anyway lolly lolly lolly. It's just the tetic, a character coming on here just saying the same thing or they think like a puffet, Richie's basically a human puffet, yeah. That's not entertainment, is it someone just saying the same thing thinking Oriati sit on it the other , is it? Just someone saying the same thing over and over again on cheeky knees not the not enough. What do you think about it, Pikachu? Tikacheo, Tikacheoo, Tikachik Tikacheoo, Tikacheo Pikachu's very angry about it as well that that that's considered entertainment. Then just falling over doing the dispatch sing a fucking song or something like that's what I'd say. You know, get why are we in playing tut when we could have actual people on the stage earning actual money and it's that's what a pathetic way to make a living. Dressing up as a big pink glove and we're talking about Mr Blobby now, right? Yeah, big fat , slotty pink glove with stupid eyes and going ooh look at me, I'm so drillion talking about blobby, yeah, talking about blobby. What a pathetic way to make a living. I'm disgusted with you, the British Tubric. I'll say to you thank you, Noriati, and in and that's in a sarcastic way, and that's not how that should be used. Um Okay Why are you allowing this to happen? Let's have proper entertainers who know how to come up with songs and sketches and jokes all the new with us around you and the other so meet the gang 'cause the boys are here the boys to entertain you V O Haggard Ah that's funny, that's what we used to How do you know about that? That's our math teacher was called Mr Habgood, so when really on the fucking cutting a jumpy today in this lobbying it eight and a half up mm , we had a t a mass teacher called Mr Habgood. He was a little unusual looking. Ho, Mr. Habgood, if you're watching. The O the O Habgood. We'd think B-O-Habgood instead of B-O-Y-S. B-O being body odor, if you're not aware. I think there's a lot of things that young people won't be aware of that. They can enjoy this. If Blobby's back and young people enjoy it, they can enjoy this on a sort of surreal level where all the things we're mentioning are just fantasy stuff that um that's made up. Well this probably I mean it'd be it that's a very niche reference, Mr Habgood. If Phil Fry's watching or or Jeff Quigley or Brian Bancroft, Brian Bancroft down die the deal along with Daddy Dol and Donny Lu Vum Brian Bless ed Good singing. Um if Brian's watching, he will he'll remember Mr Habgood, but for most of you won't remember Mr Habgood. But you probably remember A probably remember mister Lang hopman B O B O yes boys to entertain you really this is just the witterings of an insane old man, isn't it? It's better than someone going blobby blobby blobby, isn't it's cleverer than that? It isn't though, Richard. Mr Lothy's clever er than you his act is better than yours Look, Mr Blobby has a script He has a carefully worked script. I make all this up as I go along. I don't think that's really an excuse. And also I make up all the funny dips. Well, we make it up together, Ali. I think you know me feeding you p feed lines is em is as important as the punchlines. I don't think so, is it? No one's talking talking feed lines are they? No one was laughing at Stuart Lee and Lee and Herring were they? That's true. So you know that is you do make a good point. Anyway, we uh do have a report we're uh we're going over to Crinkly Bott om live now to uh to see if if we can spot a Mr. Blobby in the wild. There it is, that's Crinkly Bottom. Yeah, that's it . Um let's see. I wonder which reporter it'll be reporting on Mr. Blobby I mean most again, most of the crinkly bottom house they're cut off because the the way that this works, but that's really we're really there. Which reporter will it be? Will it be the square window, the round window, or the o will it be Pikachu getting told? He's not he's here, we just ascertained that he couldn't get down to Twinkly Lotton. Will it be Prince Andrew and it's Andrew that in Windsor Degol I don't think he tying this name this guy? I don't wanna you know you're dead naming in Rich. Sorry, I'm sorry for dead naming. You should feel very ashamed of yourself. I'm sorry for doing anything to offend uh Andrew McMahon Windsor Legoland Battenburg um thought park Queen's Back Rangers. Anyway, who will it be? Who is it? Hello, riches me It's Henry Hitho, the most popular character on here. Everyone wants to see Ne Rich they're waiting for me to come along and every episode I'm not in is just another wasted opportunity in all our lives. Well that's very arrogant I think we'd that's the new I think that too. I'm here at Crinkly Bottom. Wh isere Crinkly Bottom? It's um it's here 's that cottage there, that's part of where which part is it in the UK? Uh yes, probably. Which part of the UK? Um you you're there , so how do you know Yeah I was in the back of a van I was driven in the back of a van what with no windows yet ? So I don't know where I gonna say Dorset maybe that's my guess. Okay . Think it might be Devon. I don't know. I don't oh you know why you asking me if you know? Anyway I'm here it's sing that I can see a Nista Blobby in the wild. I there is no Nistabl y here at the moment. But there are hundreds of blobbies living in this park. They w the the Crinkly Bottom was closed down as a tourist attraction, uh but they left a couple of Mr. Blobbies d just running wild in the woods and th in the over the last few decades they have bred and there are thousands of Mr Blobbies now. A bit like the Saturday night life sketch. No, it's different than that. And they're breeding in the woods. So hopefully we'll see a couple of Mr Blobbies coming along. Because do you know what I like, Richard?? What do you like What I like, Richard What is it? What do you I don't know what you like? There's one thing I really like . Yeah, tell us. It's big wobbling blobbies, Richard, big wobbling blobbies. And there's loads of them here running around wobbling blobbies. The females ones have big wobbling boobies as well, which is even better big wobbling blobby boobies But I'm happy with just big wobbling blob blobbies Big Wobbling Blobbies Fuck is that the cut is that the punchline to your character doing No Richard there's plenty more coming into movies. Is that big wobbling blobbies? I mean that's we can do that on kids TV. Well you can't do the So if we get onto Kids T we're gonna go on Kids TV. This isn't a kid show, is it? Are you sure? Yeah I am sure it's not a kid show. This is a an adult news programme we're trying to ent tr tryna tell the sheeple out there, the real news. We're not trying to entertain children