Reflecting on Demisexuality and Future Dynamics

This episode of The Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Lad Boost by VB Health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unborgettable? Made in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. thousandousands of guys across fifty states and forty five countries swear by If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, better mouth feeleel, go to loadboost. com today and use code Savage for ten percent off or click the link in this week's episode description. That's loadboost. com and use offer code Savage Listening to After Action Report at saavage. org ion Welcome to After Aion Report where dreams really do come true This week, hear how three cherries lined up and Victor hit the jackpod. Joining me for this after action report Victor, Victor, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for coming on Thank you for having me, Dan So before we get to what you did People want to know a little bit about who you are. Who is Viictor? Give us a little bit of your backstory Yeah, so I'm a fifty five year old queer cis open married to a woman open in an open marriage. And until about eight years ago, I was straight vanilla monogamous. and then my wife brought up the topic of an open marriage, which I know is the exception to the rule and we decided to explore it. We were both interested in exploring kinks and sexuality that We don't necessarily share And really, you can't explore sexuality with one gender if you want to explore other genders So we opened up, we stepped in the shit a bit, but overall, it's been a pretty good experience. We've been enjoying it, and now we're quite different people So was your wife's idea, but it doesn't sound like you were ever pud, poly under duress. You were open to the idea when she brought it up. Correct. We actually talked about it for quite a long time before actually opening up. but the conversation was always very friendly and amicable and we were both open to the idea. It was really we were both more afraid of like you can't put it back in the box. So what if something goes horribly wrong? That was really the hardest part. It It is a one way door. It's an airlock that you pass through and you can't back the fuck up. You were monogamous. you opened the relationship Even if you close it back up, there will always have been that moment where it wasn't a monogamous relationship and it does change a relationship, which is something that people who are thinking about opening a relationship really do need to Consider before opening the relationship. Exactly. Yes I gott to say, I don't want to be like Lucas, you were the youngest looking mid fifties man I have ever seen in my life. Thank you for that sleeping aboutv of foralehyde or something? How do you do it? Honestly, part of this journey that even led to the open marriage is that I was a raver in the nineties. I wasn't raving in the oughts and so on. And I got back into it into the scene and here I was hanging out with these twenty five year olds and dancing, you know six, eight, twelve hours at a time. And between that and I do endurance cycling, which is I'm a bit of a masochist. I really enjoy just getting on the bike and riding for eighteen or twenty hours and then sleeping for a day. So I think that's important anythingthing for six hours, I can't sleep for six hours. I'm so jealous of your stamina. not to mention your skincare routine. All right. I'm gonna stop objectifying you. What is it that you tried? What was the new experience you wanted to share with us here on after Action Report? Yeah, so it's kind of it's kind of a combination of three things, but the biggest part of it was I had actually called in previously asking the question, hey, as a queer man who wants to bottom, but isn't all that attracted to men and doesn't want to just hook up It's hard to find men who are interested in like making a connection and being even friends with benefits And on top of that because I'm still more attracted to the female form or trans and Androgynus actually is kind of my sweet spot lately, I was very interested in bottoming for a trans woman And I called in asking you like, how can I find a pre op trans woman when there's so many scams out there and like I'm willing to even hire somebody. And you said, first, stop calling the pre op which was a good lesson to learn. And it's funny because there's no standard term, but non op seems to be some like at least acceptable when you're trying to identify what the genitals are. Yeah I don't let me jump in here. I don't like to be the person who scolds But pre op, the reason trans people regard pre op as problematic is not all trans people get bottom surgeries. Exactly. And so it doesn't make a trans woman not yet a woman if she hasn't had bottom surgery. Some trans women keep their genitals. Bottom surgery on both sides has a high risk of complications. Some people don't have body dysmorphia about their genitalia. It's only their secondary sex characteristics. So saying pre op sort of like positions a trans woman who is comfortable with her dick and wants to keep her dick as somehow not yet there fully, not yet a woman. full And so that's why there's been this rejection of pre op, post op as these kind of this binary in Trland. and the adaptation of Just don't talk about it, You don't talk about it or non op. that this person is choosing not to have the operation And it doesn't make them not who they are, not a woman or a man depending which side they transitioned from. Right, exactly. And I decided I really did want to kind of cut cut through the muck and cut to the chase and I went on Tists looking to pay for a service and found a lot of opportunities, but I was the thing I was most afraid of was not the experience. It was it was a scam and what that scam could be. Quickly tell us what Trist is for people who don't already know. So Trist is a site where people can post a profile and offer their services as a sex worker. So they're offering offtten very specific services, and that was part of what made this a good route for me to be able to seek out a trans woman who tops who is in my area, who I find desirable, et cetera. And what ended up happening was I'd also always had this desire of being with trans with a non op trans woman. I've been with several trans partners. I've had great relationships. I'm with one now but hadn't been as a bottom and really wanted to experience this. and I' played with toys and everything, but there's just something different to there being a person attached Yes So so I did find this person who's actually based in California. I'm in New York, but she said I travel frequently for for regulars. and when I'm in town, I offer my services. So we found a date where she was going be in a hotel in New York and made the arrangements. and the conversation felt comfortable enough. was It was on WhatsApp, so it wasn't like it didn't feel like it was like overly secretive in a way that might hide something. I was still very nervous when we met up and entered the room and said, I kind of hate to do this, but just asking the question, like, are you affiliated with the police And she said, no, and I'm said great and neither am I. And like, I don't know. the kind of smile and chuckle from her just kind of loosen loosened things up and felt pretty comfortable from there For the record, people once believed that if you asked a cop if they were a cop, they had to tell you And so people going into a room to buy pot from somebody or people meeting up with a sex worker would say, are you affiliated with police or the authorities or are you a cop Under the impression that if they were a cop, they'd have to out themselves and you could run away before you committed the crime. And it's not actually true. L you can ask a cop, an undercover cop if they're a cop and they're allowed to say no. Yeah. And was I don't know, it was just a comfort thing. I feel a little silly about it, but also I kind of hoped like if I saw a reaction of some sort or whatever But no matter, you know, she was she was really stunning. She looked like her profile, you know, everything matched up.elt really it felt really comfortable. And she she had said like, I'm really good with first timers, I can be gentle, I can be rough. And I wasn't quite sure what I wanted at that point. But this is what sort of led to kind of the third thing coming into this equation of having never done, which is having never been a sub I always thought of myself as being a switch. I think as I joked earlier about endurance cycling, I have a masochistic side, but I never really got to explore it. I've always ended up just being the DM in any relationship that had that dynamic And I expressed that to her, and she said, well, let's play with that. And I said, great, you know, there was there was that awkward moment of We've just had a conversation and we're shifting from conversation to take off all your clothes and get down to it So that was the only hard part about it being a sex worker versus some sort of date. There's kind of a clock running and theres there's an objective. Yeah. And I thought immmediately as she was like, go ahead and get undressed, you know, I was wondering if I was going to then suffer some performance anxiety. But the moment she got undressed and got in with me and started playing with me and started very gently, you know my mind left anything else. It was very much on her on this experience. And she first just started by just getting me warmed up and touching and playing She was very sexy in putting the condoms on. and I find that really, really helpful because that's a moment that can sometimesuin not ruin but interfere with things. And then she started to get dominant. And the first thing was I was laying on my back. She was sort of sitting on my stomach and Rather than back up on me, she came forward and was like You need to suck my dad. And I was so turned on in that moment of like, yes, ma'am. like this is here I'm here to do what you tell me to do. Now, of course, we'd set the scene as she's doing what I wanted That's kind of the whole point of the sub is actually controlling the scene, not the DO. The Dom is just there to enact it properly. Yeah, the sub desire sets the scene in motion. And a good DM knows how to unroll the scene in such a way that the DOM can suspend their disbelief and it wasn't all set in motion by or the sub can suspend their disbelief and it wasn't all set in motion by the sub. That's where a talented DM's skill really Mifested stealth. where you've negotiated with a sub, you've gotten their permission for X, Y and Z happening, and then you begin to play and the sub kind of forgets or is able to pretend not to know what's coming next. All right, so you went into this because you've been penetrated by toys, you're queer, you've been with other trans women and anderrogynous women in the past, but you've never been penetrated. So The moment comes. you're about to be penetrated. Do you have to will yourself to stay in the room Were you thinking about Koolaid manning your way out of there at that moment? Did you have any like moment of gay panic? Even though you were with a woman, so it was a straight sex act, but did you like the dick going into your butt? Did you have a moment of gay panic? or were you just like Fuck me Mam, fuck me. abbsolutely no panic. She had me so fired up. She had me so turned on. and also the like suck my dick and sucking her dick me into it was an instant subspace. I was in that do do with me which you will mode at that moment. And when she then repositioned herself, put my legs up kind of over my shoulders and put herself behind me and said, And she said, she was like very descriptive. She's like I am gonna fuck you now and I am gonna fuck you hard. Are you ready for this And when she said, I'm going to fuck you hard, I I was like, I don't know if I'm ready for this. I think so. I want it, but I have not experienced that. So I'm not yet sure. but my response was, please do, please. my God, two things. I got to jump in. two things. she put your legs up your ankles behind your ears, like so you're also limber as fuck for your age, gotta say. But her dirty talk technique is my recommended dirty talk technique partart you know, the first part, tell them what you're going to do is so hot. You know, peopleeople like, oh, somebody wants dirty talk and I usually don't talk during sex. All you got to do is describe. you have to narrate I'm going to fuck the shit out of you and I'm going to fuck the shit out of you so hard. Are you ready for that? is beautiful because it says like what's going to happen. It also get your consent again, but in a context where there's still a DS dynamic DS tension, but it is it was her checking in with you again at that moment. Are you ready for that? Yes. Like that is, do you still want this? Yes. Because if we go I'm going to go And you were able to say yes. Okaykay, so give us the moment. give us the like The split second. You've never had a dick in your ass. you've had a dick in your ass. Describe that moment. Yeah. so I mean, she was using a ton of lube. She was obvious obviously experienced at this and doing it right and can't even recall that there was any moment of discomfort And I definitely expected that like the initial penetration, there would be some discomfort, but she had been playing with me with her fingers. I can't recall if she used the clock method, but I definitely felt like there was the movement of just like getting everything ready. But that moment of penetration, all I remember was feeling that prostate stimulation and just being going a, just being like This is what I've been missing. This is what I've been wanting and And she was like Yeah, she said, I'm going to fuck you hard, but she started very gently and she just she was reading me and she was again Do doing the dirty talk like me gettinget you going and then she started to pick it up. and she said, Oh, you like it rough, don't you? You want it harder, don't you? And every time she said that, I wanted more. Every time she said that, she was getting your enthusiastic ongoing consent in a sexy way. People think getting consent in the moment is not hot, but if you are goodood at communication, getting consent at the moment can be so fucking hot. All right, so yes you've had tooys in your butt, you've had dick shaped things in your butt before that weren't attached to a human So you've had your prostate stimulated before. Yes. wasas the more intense sensation of prostate stimulation because due to what was going on between your ears at that moment. You know, the biggest sex organ we have, our brain. And it was more erotic, more arousing because there was a a human being with a penis inside you? Or was there something about it being a dick attached to a human that was nailing your prostate in a way that no toy ever could? Yeah,'d say I'd say it's eighty, twenty between the ears, but the twenty was the flexibility of flesh is so much different than any toy. So and I could feel that. I could feel like it was filling spaces as opposed to just being in an out motion the in between the ears There was the human aspect. There was the dirty talk aspect And there was, of course, the my looking up at this gorgeous female form that I'm attracted to has a dick and is fucking me with it And just the genderfuckery, the power dynamic, all of that is I find just very, very exciting. I think it's great to just fuck with norms as much as we can. and that was turning me on. So yeah, definitely very much in my head. So have you had another penis in your ass or is this still the only one So it's interesting because what has come from this is I have two new partners, One of which is a female Dom who is very down to peg me, so I'm gonna get that out of that. And they'll still be the female form that I desire. And the other partner is a non op trans sub who I I have been domming. So it's kind of just this interesting dynamic of being dommed and then domming someone else. And with that with the sub, we have had the discussion of for your Dom, would you fuck me? And the answer is yes. that relationship is new So we haven't gotten there yet, and I do you've probably gathered this from all of this. I'm pretty demisexual, so I like to like build things. So we're going on our third date this weekend, which actually I'm working as a consent guardian at a sex party for half the night, and then we will be able to play the other half of the night. Will I get fucked? probablyrobably not But but we're getting there. So I'm looking forward to it Subtop is roll Like you can be I mean, when you think of heterosexual male subs in opposite sex relationships. R They are sometimes fucking their female Dom partners. R. So we can infer from the existence of heterosexual male subs that you can be the sub and the top And that's true also in gay relationships or gay guys who identify as subtops. sub topop is totally a thing And your new partner could be a subtop. There's nothing sexier for a subop For somebody who's submissive And as a dick, then to be ordered to fuck somebody, not for your own pleasure, not for your dick, but for their pleasure. And like at some point the DS scene is about what the DM wants and the sub serving the DM. and fucking a DOM is one way a sub can serve a Dom. And that's actually exactly what she was saying. She's like, if you if this dynamic is really working for us and you are really ding me, I will do anything for you So ask or in fact, tell And I think it's really you say you're demisexual. And I just want to highlight that There's nothing about being demmi and wanting to feel like you have a little connection that precludes Being with a sex worker, the sex worker that you were with was willing to do the work of engaging with you, having an extended conversation and negotiation with you, where you did feel a connection before that first meeting because of the conversation you had on WhatsApp, because of the way in which she was interacting with you, that made you comfortable enough, even as a demisexual person, to have this one off experience with a sex worker where you felt safe doing something that you'd never done before Yeah, exactly. and it felt very validating to have that experience because I feel like Engaging with a sex worker is validating their work as valid 's redundant but yes, but it also was so satisfying for me. It validated that being with a sex worker can be, as you just described, more than just hook up And it felt very validating also to be with somebody who has chosen a very specific body and lives that persona, that body and uses it the way they desire And my being able to receive that because that was also a big turn on for me was I'm getting a validation of something I desire, but seemingly something that they desire as well. Any advice for anybody out there who's never been fucked in the ass before by an actual deck and has thought about it and wants to try it for the first time Yeah, definitely have the conversation with people you're meeting that are potentials that they are they have been with somebody who's doing it for the first time. They know how to be both gentle and take their time, but also then pick it up if you're really enjoying it. So the dynamism of that person is going to be really important, but especially that they they know how to treat somebody who's doing it for the first time and be gentle to start Victor, thank you so much for coming on After Action Report and sharing this experience. It sounds. Amazing. There's nothing I don't love about your story. It was terrific and so much fun to hear about. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you so much Dan. I appreciate it Thanks, Victor. That was a feel good story for our ages. It was a feel good story. I needed to hear this week. If you had a new experience and you want to share whether it went as well as Victor's or it went disastrously wrong, write it up and send it to us at Q at saavage. lovev and you may be our next guest hereere run after action Theaction really b. This episode of The Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Lad Boost by VP Health Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? madeade in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. thousandousands of guys across fifty states and forty five countries swear by load boost If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, betteret mouth feele, go to loadboost. com today and use code Savage for ten percent off or click the link in this week's episode description That's loadboost. com and use offer code Savage. When you're a maintenance engineer in a beverage manufacturing plant You keep production lines moving and quality on track because there is no room for slowdowns L Ranger's vast selection of high quality motors, sensors, belts, and hard to find parts, you can get what you need fast and all in one place, so nothing gets in the way of getting the job done Call one eight hundred Ganger, click ranger. com or just stop by Ranger