Listener Feedback and Community Discussion

You're listening to the Savage Love Cast, Dan Savage's sex and relelationship showow for grown upps If you're under eighteen, Get outt of here, youngin If you're stuck in a relationship quandering or if you're looking for sexual war Yeah J. The burst of activism and visibility that followed the Stonewall riots in nineteen sixty nine led to the passage of laws protecting gays and lesbians from discrimination in a handful of cities around the country by the mid nineteen seventies. One law that passed in Dade County, Florida, prohibited discrimination against gays and lesbians in housing, employment and public accommodation. Religious conservatives launched the quote unquote, save our children campaign To repeal that law, they are always launching campaigns to save their children from people who aren't actually menacing their children. Always worried about the drag queens and never worried about the youth pastors. Anyway, the backlash in the late seventies had arrived. And it arrived in Dade County, Florida The Save Our Children campaign was fronted by a former beauty queen turned orange juice pitch woman named Anita Bryant And it was successful. Dade County gay rightights laaw was repealed at the ballot box with seventy percent of Dade County residents voting in favor of the repeal. The success of the Save Our Children campaign in Dade County would lead to the repeal of gay rights laws using similar tactics in Saint Paul, Minnesota and Eugene, Oregon and other cities. That backlash quickly went national There was a backlash when the AIDS crisis began when it was called gay cancer, grid, gay related immunodeficiency AIDS made gay people, gay people who were suddenly sick and dying E more visible than gay people had chosen to be in the seventies The wages of sin are death, they shouted at us. and it wasn't just gay people who'd sinned, they argued Innocent aIDS victims, quote, unquote, sick and dying people who'd gotten blood transfusions where we knew how the disease was spread, not people who'd had gay sex. They were proof that God wasn't just punishing evil gay people for the sin of homosexuality, God was punishing America for the sin of tolerating homosexuality There was a backlash when the fight for gay marriage, not yet rebranded as the fight for marriage equality, notched its first win in Hawaii in nineteen ninety three That state Supreme Court ruled that denying gay people the right to marry violated our right to equal protection under the law Within a year, Hawaiians had amended their state cononstitution to ban gay marriage The Defense of Marriage Act, which defined marriage is a union of one man and one woman Would be signed into law by Bill Clinton in nineteen ninety six, the backlash continued to gather steam until two thousand four When eleven states approved constitutional amendments Banning same sex marriage So what did we do in nineteen seventy seven when there was a backlash against laws banning discrimination against gays and lesbians We didn't cave, we fought back. When Anita Bryant's Sab our Children campaign rolled into California to pass a statewide ban on openly gay teachers in nineteen seventy eight, Harvey Milk and Sally Gearhart led the fight. and handed Anita Bryant, ass the first of many defeats for her and others like her at the ballot What did we do as the backlash grew against gay people, against gay sex during the AIDS crisis We acted up We fought the disease, we fought the indifference, we fought the stigma And we kept coming out. Three quarters of a million of us marched in Washington in nineteen eighty seven A million of us marched on Washington in nineteen ninety three We didn't stop being gay, we didn't stop having sex. We chanted. We're here, we're queer. get used to it If you love each other Religious conservatives shouted in our faces, You will die. We must love one another or dog Larry Kramer thundered in response We ignored them. We listened to Larry. And the backlash against gay marriage equality, that didn't stop us either. We kept fighting again and we won again at the ballot box in the courts. and in the Court of public opinion Well, it looks like another backlash may be upon us Support for gay marriage has declined to sixty five percent from a high of seventy one percent four years ago, according to a recent poll from Galluop, The New York Times reported last week Republicans especially have done an about face on the issue In twenty twenty two, a majority of them, fifty five percent, said same sex marriages should be valid. That number now stands at thirty seven percent Support for trans rights, the New York Times goes on has also gone south, according to Galluub In twenty twenty one, roughly half of all Americans said changing genders was morally acceptable. That number declined to thirty eight percent There's been a lot of angry finger pointing online about who or what is to blame for the fall in support for same sex marriage, a marker for gay rights And the drop in support for trans rights As in the seventies and the eighties and the nineties, Visibility is taking the blame growing visibility of trans people and non binary people and gender non conforming people has some online argue provoked this backlash Defenders of trans rights And trans people argue that it is Republican demagoguery weaponizing the increased visibility of trans and gender noncforming people that provoked this backlash Seems to me that both things can be true. Trans and other gender nonconforming people are more visible now than ever, and the right has seized on this visibility just as they seized on the growing visibility of gay and lesbian people and Bi people in the nineteen seventies and the visibility of the sick and dying in the nineteen eighties and the visibility of gay couples and gay families in the nineteen nineties They've even recycled their save the children bullshit each and every time Do we do We didn't abandon the fight for gay rights in the nineteen seventies because of the backlash. We didn't abandon each other during the AIDS crisis in the nineteen eighties despite the backlash And we didn't abandon the push for marriage equality in the nineteen nineties despite the backlash. And we are not going to abandon trans people now But in all the fights we've faced, the fight for gay rights, the fight against aIS, the fight for marriage equality, We debated strategy and obsessed over optics and argued about goals and spokespersons We tried to figure out what worked and do more of that and tried to figure out what did not work and do less of that. It is important for all of us to remember at this moment as we battle yet another backlash. that debates about strategy and optics and goals are not a betrayal of the movement Crucial to the movement Avoiding those debates within the community is a luxury when things are going our way They are an absolute necessity, those debates, when the backlash arrives And it's here All right, coming up on this week's show, tons of your calls, lots of my answers and joining me on both the micro and the Magnum. Master R, a Dom and Shibari artist is here to advise a call or about working DS play into what has been up to now, a pretty vanilla relationship. And on the Magnum, I asked whether there were any polyjourney memoirs out there written by men who were puds, who were poly under duress at first. and the answer turned out to be yes Adam Darow went from Pud to happily open and yes, he wrote a memoir about it. Darrow is on the magnum with me. You can get a subscription for yourself or give one as a gift over at saavage. love. And if you subscribe in the gay gay, gay and lesbian and by and trans month of June. You'll get half off twenty five dollars for longer ad free shows, more calls, more guests, invites to Zoom hangouts with me and the Savage Love community. The seex and politics bonus podcast, More Savage Love and just more, more, more of everything You love About here here here. You can subscribe now at savage. love but hey, magnum sub or micro listener, we are so glad you're here. All right, let's get to the first call This episode is brought to you by Foreia, makers of life changing all natural organic formulas for your most intimate needs. Right now, get twenty percent off your first order by going to Foreia wellness dot com slash saage or by using code Sage at checkup This episode is brought to you by VB Health, Doctor formulated suppulements that work T learn more about load boost, drive boost and soaking wet and to get ten percent off Visit be. health and use the code Savage He done I'm a straight man in my mid thirties and I recently ended a long term on enough relationship that honestly became psychologically destabilizing for me Early on there were already trust issues, but the first major breakcap happened when I discovered that my girlfriend I snd intimate videos of us to one of our exes without my consent We broke up over it, but eventually I gave her a second chance because I convinced myself that she made a terrible mistake and that people can change And that what we had was worth trying to repair. Lastly, the relationship had incredible chemistry, probably the best sex of my life which made it really hard to let go But then about two years later, while we were back together exclusively and trying to make it work I found out looking at her messages that she had done something similar again, this time sending sex videos aboutast to a friends with benefits from a period when we were separated After that, I started seeing the bigger partarter more clearly, Dishonesty, secrecy, blurred boundaries and situations where I constantly felt manipulated into doubting my own instincts Eventually I ended the relationship and I blugged her everyhar Now I'm struggling with this question. Would I have ended it the first time when she violated my trust and consent and never looked back. ould I have taken more seriously the fact that sharing intimate videos of us without my consent where I am clearly identifiable isn't just a relationship issue. And it can also have legal consequences, I guess Or did I stay because I confused insensity, sexual chemistry and emotional chaos for love This part of me R that I finally walked away, but another part of me still misses her all the time, which honestly makes me question my own judgment You're like the guy or the woman who got cheated on, took the cheater back and then got cheated on again there in pain asking yourself I should have ended it the first time and never looked back and In a sense blaming yourself for the pain you're in now which is kind of compounded, pain with interest because it's not just that you got cheated on or you're You were violated in the way that your ex violated you, but You almost feel complicit in your ex's ability to reviolate you because you took them back because he didn't end it the first time People can change Even people who make terrible mistakes, even a cheater Lots of people out there in relationships with someone who cheated that they forgave and they are making it work do, however, always advise the person who got cheated on to think about how they'll feel If they get cheated on again because there is a chance you will get cheated on again. It is not true. There is research backing this up. It is not true, ons a cheater, always a cheater, or once a sender of intimate videos seex videos to an ex or a former FWB that you shouldn't be sending always a doer of that Not true, once a cheater, always a cheater. But once a cheater, Likely or to cheat in the future than someone who hasn't cheated. in the past, which is why I advise people who' been cheated on, who are thinking about taking the cheater back project themselves into a future where they got cheated on again g How will you feel if it happens again Will you be left with such enormous trust issues? that you will be incapable of bonding with anybody in the future, willill you feel so violated? Will you feel fooled or foolish or the greater fool or the bigger fool because you took them If that's the case, if you project yourself into that future where you got cheated on again or violated again in the way you were violated more than once by your ex And you don't think you could handle it, well, then you probably should end the relationship. Andnt so maybe Hindsight being twenty twenty Time machines existed, you could Go back and end it the first time She did this because the first time she did it, it wasn't just what she did, but what it meant about who she was and whether you were safe with her, whether you could Trust her And there was obviously something about her that regarded you as Content Some part of her wants to show off or wants to instrumentalize or use or weaponize even the person she's with now to tease or torment or entice ex's And she's a little bit of a sociopath, at least where her current relationship is concern and just is there to use you. Yeah, obviously Knowing what you know now, yeah, you probably could have would have sh have dumped her then But you dump her now And you feel conflicted because The sect was great. There was a real connection there There are reasons people stay with people who cheated on them. and it's usually There's a lot of good there. There's a lot of things about the relationship that they value and enjoy, which the cheater may be leveraging to keep you in the relationship, or you may regard as Worth it. to stay in the relationship And I think In some ways, what your ex did was worse because your videos are out there now forever. It's not like She cheated one and done or cheated on you a couple of times in the context of thirty forty year marriage She put something out there into the world that she no longer has possession or control of that could comeome back to haunt you cost you a job. You won't be able to run for president because these videos are out there potentially So arguably what she did was worse But I wouldn't, if I were you beat myself up too badly for having taken her back Be people take cheat res back, peopleople take People back all the time who've betrayed them in some serious way. And sometimes people live to regret that decision to take person who betrayed them, who violated their trust Other times though, for wind up together for the rest of their life with somebody who betrayed them or violated their trust or cheated on them And they're glad they took them back. And the only way to find out which it's going be for you, sometimes is to take the risk of taking the person back, which is what you did So now you know, and now it's over And maybe this means going forward into your subsequent relationships, tolerance level for this kind of As holerary will be much, much lower and you won't wind up. ever, again, in this situation where you took someone back that later you realized You shouldn't, and you will in a perverse way, have your ex to thank for that Hide Dan ty year old trans woman living in a red county in a blue state I need some help working through something with a friend of mine He is a gay man married to a Trump and Putin supporting Russian born person My friend told me the other day that his partner I started transitioning My gut is finding it hard to gather too much sympathy. It is destroying so many people's lives and whose policies landing me on anxietyits just to get through the day. At the same time, I'm trying so hard to keep from letting these same assholes ste my humanity that I feel like I shouldn't turn my back on someone in need Is it okay to start the conversation saying as much plainly saying, I know what your political partner's leanings are I have to admit to having little to no sympathy for them right now, but I will be here to talk to you Is that okay? Cnect What do I do here, Dan,? Can you help me out Social consonservatives, Republicans hated Russia, Russians aramies, the Soviets, it was pillars of rightight wing Discourse magazines, everything was the communist menace and Russia as our primary geopolitical foe, as Mitt Romney, who was the GOP nominee for president in twenty twelve called Russia when did American conservatives fall in love with Vladimir When he started beating up passed anti LGBT legislation when he declared gay rights organizations criminalized them when she declared anybody being out as gay or lesbian or bi or trans as anda targeting Children That's when the American right fell in love with Vladimir Putin There is a straight line, a thick black line connecting two dots that are an inch apart between Vladimir Putin's scapegoating and attacks on LGBT people in Russia, which break my heart. I went to Russia In nineteen ninety I met a whole bunch of queer people. ach for them what has been inflicted on them All right Putin regime. But a straight, thick, black line between two dots that aren inch apart between Vladimir Putin's weaponization is scapegoating attacks on LGBT people and the right wings embrace of Putin and How that love of Putin, even siding with Putin's war of aggression against Ukraine just became Baked in to the GOP establishment in a way that if you're as old as I am is just incredibly disorienting. And if you're not quer yourself, hard to figure out All the time I' talked to people who are like, don't understand how the right fell in love with Russia. I'm like, This is when You can Call up on YouTube, the clips from Fox News in twenty twelve Vladimir Putin's Russia began passing anti LGBT legislation and suddenly there were people on Fox News extxtoling Putin and Russian family values and his defense of Christian values, which are just beating up the queers which is a long way of saying, fuck your friend who is married to someone who supported Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin Fuck Not just that person, the Russian B Putin loving Trump loving. Fuck an asshole that your friend happens to be married to, but I'm a little angry at your friend I don't understand why your friend is still your friend Sometimes It is a betrayal of us off you personally or me personally when somebody that claims to love you chooses to love, chooses to be in relationship with somebody who would like to see you If you're trans, driven from public life, if you're gay, shoved back in the closet. If you're trans shoved in the closet or're shut back in the egg And that's a choice. Your friend made a choice Be with this person and So Yeah your friend and of course you owe this person who is transitioning absolutely nothing, especially if it puts the tremor in your voice that I'm detecting when I listen to your call, especially if it makes you this upset, especially if you're already on anxiety medications living in a red county in a blue state and the attacks, the constant attacks on trans people coming from the Trump administration have had such a negative impact on your Mental health that you're on medication now and good for you for seeking the medications, good for you for going and getting the help that you needed But if it's really caused you such distress, yeah, you gota Do what your friend should have done, which is pick you Over This asshole This Trump loving, Putin loving suddenly now transitioning asshole Over you, you pick you in this instance Radical self care, they sometimes call it. the radical self care that you need in your case is to cut these motherfuckers out of your life This episode is brought to you by Foria, makers of awaken arousal oil, intimacy meelts, and sex oil Imagine the best orgasm or sex you've ever had. Now imagine that that orgasm could be even better. and it could be with products that are designed to naturally enhance sexual pleasure and make your orgasms bigger and better. Prods like awaken arousal oil, a juicy warmup that helps you get really turned on, increasing your pleasure, deepening your orgasms and increasing your connection with your partner It's made with CBD and warming, sensation inducing organic botanicals that enhance arousal, sensitivity, access to orgasm, and just, you know, overall pleasure Best of all, awaken and its application the two of those things together, that combo platter just turns you on. In a consumer perception study conducted by Citrus Labs, ninety two percent of respondents felt more aroused and ninety two percent reached orgasm. I recommend the Pleasure Set, which has all three of Foria's best selling intimacy products Awaken arousal oil, sex oil, and intimacy melts. Awaken stimulates her arousal and increases sensation. Intimacy melts, helps her experience deep internal waves of pleasure. Sex oil lubricates during sex and creates a juicy experience for all. This magic combination creates the ultimate sexual experience and will take your connection with your partner to the next level. Experience your juiciest and deepest sensual experiences with Fora. Foria is offering a special deal for my listeners. Get twenty percent off your first order by visiting Foriawness d. com slash savage or by using the code Savage at checkout That's f O R I a wellness dot com slash Savage for twenty percent off Y first order. I recommend trying Aaken or their pleasure set with all three of their bestsellers. Let them know the lovevecast at you Oreawellness dot com slash saavage for twenty percent off your first order Hey D', Nancy in the Tech savy at Risk Youth. I'm a forty one year old gay male calling from the Midwest I recently started seeing a new guy and I like him quite a lot After F Night of sex, we got into a conversation about our respective kinks For reference, I tend towards mostly very fun but relatively vanilla sex My new partner shaare that he has a DOM subkink and isn into a someBDSM He prefers the sub but also enjoys doming from a sub pososition Some of the activities that he shared that he's enjoyed in the past sound very exciting and appealing to me. For example, restricting orgasms being made to serve in bondage I really like this guy and I would like to learn how to be a good dom to his sub A struggle is exactly where to start Where do I find the right words? and perhaps most importantly How do I build up the confidence needed to be a good dum Joining me to help tackle this question, Master R is a queer artist whose work centers on Shibari, the Japanese art of rope bondage. His practice explores the struggle and surrender that occurs in a rope bondage dynamic. He produces events such as bound affairs, a living Shibari gallery, and taught and bound a rope study for masculine bodies. Master R, welcome to the Savage Lvecast Hi Dan, thanks for having me So before we get to the specifics of the caller's question, how did you get into domination? How did you get into bonded in SN M It's so funny. I To make everyone really angry I mean, I hate to say it, I got corrupted by a liberal university in college. and my first boyfriend in college was someone who was really kinky and wanted to be restricted and tied up and I really learned just for them So had your boyfriend that you met in college who corrupted you, who could have been going to Liberty University like this could have happened at a conservative university too. And I bet it has. I bet there are people out there. I'm sure it has. who met Kicy Motherfuckers at Boston College But it Was he experienced already when you met him and you were entirely inexperienced with BDSM And powerower Exchange, had he had other partners that he had submitted to think so It's so hard to tell because everyone, when they go their freshman year of college, everyone is so young and lying about who they are anyway But I actually think it's kind of common for people who are being asked to do domination for the first time to feel insecure about dominating a more experienced sub. But it's almost always the case with DOM subplay, especially in the context of dating or relationship, that one partner has more experience than the other and it's often the sub. So it can work For someone to begin to explore domination with a more experienced sub Oh yeah, it's definitely possible And that's what you did That is exactly what I did And half of like Be a DOM is a little bit of faking it until you make it. But safely, right? You don't want to fakery skills you don't have. You don't want to try to suspend somebody if you don't know what you're doing. You got to take classes like yours before you go there. Exactly. And rope is really hard to fake because if the knots don't hold, they just don't hold for everyone to be reminded of that. So can the caller learn to be a good Dom Of course. And how does he do that? How does he get started? I mean, I think we already took the first step in getting on that path. You' just having a conversation with his partners and layanging about. what they're both mutually into and St start with one thing at a time Kinkking being a dam is and all you can eat buffet You're not going to try a whole bunch of new things all that one. Pick your favorite thing, start with one thing. and learn about it. Read a book Watch a video whatever it is and define a little bit more what it is. Now I know if I said to somebody, start with one thing. The immediate follow up question would be Tell me a thing. What's a thing I can start with? We've obviously ruled out suspension bondage as the thing to start with. What would be the thing if you were going to assign a thing for them to start with I think since they're in a relationship, the thing they should start with is the service dynamic that the McCuller mentioned in their question And my follow up question is, what does that service look like? Are we talking about domestic service or are we talking about sexual service O both can be both both You never know when you might walk through your door at five thirty PM and you want your sherry and pipe in hand ready for you. How do you get past the nerves? Like a lot of people the first time they step into DS or power exchange, they feel silly because they're not really the owner, they're not really the master and they can feel self conscious and kind of have this goofy performance anxiety. How do you overcome that? Because it is play and we lose that ability as we grow up that children have to just like lock into play and take this sort of premise of whatever the play scenario is, not that kids are doing sexual play. I mean, when kids are literally playing cops and robberers, they lock into those roles without self consciousness. But when adults want to play cops and robbers for grownups with their pants off and orgasms, which is how I often describe PBSM, when they first try they get nervous, they feel silly. How do you overcome that? Or should you? Is it best to just incorporate that somehow into the scene You incorporate it Andang you're you're always gonna to feel some way about whether or not you're doing the scene in the best way. Even I get in my head about am I Standing at the right angle over somebody for the most optimal effect and It happens and you just have to lean into it and If there's one particular aspect that isn't working, you change it You' just as you go The reason to e going with through her analogies. that isn't play where we have gript and lines we need to hit, you can make as many adjustments as you need to along the way. And that means communication is allowed. Like some people before they do domination for the first time feel like they shouldn't have to ask the sub or it'll ruin it for the sub if they ask the sub for input or how is it going or the receptive to feedback in the moment from the self that. they're just supposed to drive without asking the person in the passenger seat for direction, but you can and you should and you can incorporate that with a DOM subdynamic where you're still in charge even as you're soliciting Yeah, and There are ways of doing it without breaking the scene I'll use my rope bondage for example. If I need to check someone's like strength in their hands to make sure I'm out ling the nerves in their arms. One of the things I can do is like stick my dick in their hand and have them squeeze it to see how strong and how much strength they have left in their hands And doing that isn't breaking the scene at all It doesn't sound like it No doesn't sound like it at all. So where should the caller start? Resources, online coaches, whereere would you send this guy I think they're both really lucky that they both mentioned bondage and I'm going start with my own obsession because I'm selfish. Find your local rope studio. Most of the Rpe studios are pretty gay friendly. I've gone to a couple across the country at that point And it's something you can both learn to do together. And isn't that great to be as a point in life and being able to start something new with your partner that you're both into. And at a rope studio, you can find them anywhere. The caller might be thinking,, well, I don't live in New York or San Francisco. There's no rope studio. We just had somebody on A Action Report who's in a small town in Maine who was surprised that she found a Shibari studio Basically a half an hour from her house. So Before you dismiss this as an option He some googling Look around at the Shibari workshop It's not sex. It's not going to be a scene. So you can just go into that for the skills and then take those skills home and do the Sibari Stuff that you learned at the Rpe stududio, but now with sex now in a scene Exactly. Uually most rope students have a really good line between delineating between what is going to be play focused and what's going to be class focused And like you said, they're all over the country. I'm flying to North Carolina later that year to go teach at a rope conference there Online coaches is an interesting thing for him to bring up. There's definitely people out there who teach online courses on Dom sub stuff, you know, we have ask a subub Lina frequently to talk about it. but In addition to the coaches There are also just there's kind of a community online on Blueky, on Twitter of people who are into cink and who are willing to engage and chat and share their perspective and youre getting the advice you pay for. And if you're just chatting with people online, caveat emter, chatter or beware, take it all with a grain of salt, but you can find Online coaches, you can find community, you can find other people who are exploring this online to engage with and maybe get some advice from in addition to the advice, the quick hit that I'm giving you here with Master R. Yeah, you get as much out of it as you put into it. So the more you watch and study and learn, I am a very different type of DAM in the way that mostost of my scenes are quiet and non verbal and focused about the subub being alone and in their own head. and I'm not doing much Maybe I'm a lazy dung, maybe I'm not. But find what works for you and for me, I found that these quQuiet psychological scenes are what I like and I've I found a whole bunch of hs that like that too Where can people who want to find you online find you Yeah. so on Instagram, I'm at delusional underscore history And on Blue skky, I'm at Yng Dom NYC. and there is an age that I will not specify when I have to change my handle on there Master R, thank you so much for coming on the Savage Love cast. Thank you for having me. This episode is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. Every guy wants to finish strong. If you've ever wished you finished bigger, a little more fireworks in your finale, let me tell you about Lad Boost from VB Health. This doctor formulated supplement offers increased semen volume, enhanced orgasm intensity, and even better taste. so partner will thank you. The ingredients are one hundred percent scientifically backed and designed to improve sperm health, prostate function, and overall experience. It's vegan, loaded with nutrients and manufactured in the USA with top tier quality ingredients. If you want to increase your semen volume, try it out. VB Health also just released Eergy Boost, a pre workout supplement built around well studied, effective ingredients for blood flow, energy, and focus. VB health, check them out. they have so much to offer. Head to loadboost. com and use my exclusive code Savage to get ten percent off, or click the link in the episode description It's time to elevate your performance and with load boost, you might just become someone's new favorite performer. a new favorite Favor, That's loadboost. com and use my exclusive code, Savage Hey, Dan, Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth I have a question because I have a paramore who is coming to visit who really loves is come coming all over me, coming in my mouth, coming blah, blah, blah. Nothing has happened yet. I love giving blow jobs, but I do not like come It's not like not liking it like I don't like Right It's like it makes me vomit. L there's something in it in that just makes me feel ill And I was reediting and I saw that somebody was like, when the person's about to come, if you put their cock like all the way back to your The rootat. that you can basically like swall the com without ever tasting it and I wanted to share what your thoughts were about that. Also I have tried deep throoting and Iice Have a gag reflex have a hard time doing it, but like I think it'd be really hot if I could. So have you have any tips Noope p intended I would be happy hear them. I have one tip. Tell him How do you know since nothing has happened yet between you and your paramore who's coming to town, how do you know that he likes to come all over his sex partner that he likes to blow loads down throats, that he likes to come in someone's face or on their tits or in their mouth because he told you That was your opportunity to tell him to set a boundary. When he told you that he likes jizzing all over his lovers, that was your cue to tell him, Hey, that's cool that you enjoy that, but That's not for me. I don't like being common. I don't particularly dig come. I don't like its taste, I don't want it in its mouth, then I don't want it on my face. I want it in an orifice if you're fluid bonded, which' probably not yet or I wanted in a condom, but I don't want it shooting at me or my tonsils You should tell him that What you shouldn't be doing is trying to figure out a way to game a blow job where you can ingest his semen without him realizing that that's not something that you enjoy Yeah, you can get a dick so far down your throat that a person can have an orgasm and it just shoots down your throat and you really don't, doesn't land on your tongue, nowhere near your taste buds. You don't really taste it. That's great. I enjoy giving that kind of orgasm. but It doesnesn't sound like you particularly are motivated for any reason, but to hide the ball from this guy. to conceal from him the truth about how you feel about being about com, which is that you don't really love it As much as he loves coming on somebody. you don't like I mean, come on. You're trying to hide the ball from him. Why? why He told you what he likes. Tell him what you like And part of the what I like, what you like conversation is what you donon't like. And hopefully If he's worth Worthy of being your paramore. He's not come into town because He wants to do things to you selfishly that he enjoys that you don't. I remembered long time ago was with a guy Wh You know, I liked to fuck butts and I was fucking his butt and I just kind of got this sense that he wasn't loving it. I was like ude what's up? And he's like, I hateating sex like o, this is a bad time to tell me Like with my dick in your ass is not when I want to find out you don't like anal I feel I felt terrible. And he was worried that if he didn't play along, if he didn't let me do what I wanted to do and do the things I liked that Nothing could happen between us. And that absolutely was not the case, but what I didn't want to have happen between us was A sex act I enjoyed that he was just grrinning and baring, That wasn't sexy for me. And if your paramore isn't an asshole, it won't be sexy for him. Coming on your face andless gettingting come on your face is something you enjoy or coming down your throat unless that's something you enjoy. and it's not something you enjoy and you should Fucking tell him are gonna to tell him one way or the other. Like if you try to shove that dick down your throat And you have a gag reflex and the only reason you're putting that dick down your throat is because you don't want him to know that you don't particularly want to swallow his c or taste it so you're trying to Push it past All taste receptors. You're going to endind up tasting his cum when you barf it up And you won't just be tasting it in your mouth, You'll be tasting it in your sinuses The time to tell him that you're not into this is not after you've thrown up in his lap trying to hide this information from him about you and what you liked. Tell him now what you like and what you don't. and you don't like This All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about last week's show at savage. lovev No cute name jumped into the thread to say this I really liked almost all of Dan's answer to the woman who would like a committed relationship or marriage and has been offered an opportunity to have a tantric fling with a man who doesn't want those things. Rather than giving the caller false hope that the tantra dude might wind up wanting a committed relationship, which sounded an awful lot like look what you can do with your magical vagina talk to me, which is not Dan's usual MO I would just like to say that it's perfectly possible, even laudable to have the sexual experience you crave while also looking for Mr. Wright at the same time My conversation with Sadie Dingfelder about hypnotism, erotic and otherwise inspired tall Canadian to share some personal news. I'll out myself here as a hypnot kinkster, something I've been doing since studying psych and computers at university. When I started, I thought I was the only person in the world with this weirdo kink, but in the last decade or so, it seems to be getting surprisingly popular In some ways, I think I liked it better when we were completely under the kink radar. I did enjoy Dan's interview with Sadie Dinkfelder and her answers were quite good, but you might have learned more by bringing an actual person in the Hypno kink community on the podcast Just between you and me, Tall Canadian, I had a two pronged plan of attack on the Hypno kink thing. Bring in a big guns science journalist like Sadie Dingfelder, someone who isn't a practitioner because a practitioner might be perceived as biased and then bring on a hypno Kinkster to speak for the hypno kink community. That invite to the hypno Kingster is out now. You can look forward to hearing that conversation at an upcoming show Finally, Adrian shared some advice for the anxious guy who got dumped out of the blue and not knowing why he got dumped Yeah, it's killing him Says Adrianne, even if she gave you a thorough explanation, you would have no way of knowing how true if at all it was, as Dan said If you remind yourself that you will never truly one hundred percent know what is in anyone's mind or heart, Does that feel freeing? If it makes you spiral, pretend I didn't say that. Everyone is being totally honest with you all the time. But if that resonates, it's a good reminder that you get to decide what to think and how to feel about how this relationship ended. Her input is not relevant. good luck. All right, got something to say about something I said on this week's show. Jump into the comment thread at savage.v d com Hype it or give us a call at two six, threez two, two zero six four Or email us a voice memo at Q atsavage. lovev and say it. And now, Savage loveve listeners who left messages on one of our many answering machines about last week's show G to have the last word on this week's show Dan. I love you and almost always agree, but weird take on Leonardo DiCapri We have no idea how his exXcess feel about the relationship Leo is one of the most powerful men in all of Hollywood. I would bet money. There is serious tea that we will never hear NndAs aside, isn't it incredibly easy to understand why younger women with much less power would be reluctant to speak out and risk ridicule potential career ramifications too Carl Sagan said absence of evidence is not evidence of absence for what it's worth I think that Leo is an incredibly talented actor but Are his relationships with consistently younger women all well and good Let's not forget that years ago he was part of the pussy pososse. So Likely not The guy or callar described repeatedly choosing dynamics with young women where he has way more power gives me the e too. I'm calling in response to the young man who was unable to find a sex partner, and then you suggested that he consider hiring a sex worker, which is great advice Because you said, many sex workers will give you feedback about how you're coming across I'm surprised that you didn't suggest the type of sex worker called an intimacy and sex coach, because these are people who are skilled and trained and competent at introducing somebody to sexual intimacy and coaching them about how to express themselves as a sexual being into the world That's the kind of sex worker This person should hire. Episode ten twenty one, addvice for this successful good looking Virgin. Check your calibration. Is it possible you're only considering women who are hotter than you There was this great line by Kurt Bronller in a story on This American Life. He once said Anyone in New York City, I feel like can have sex any night of the week if they follow two rules, which is stay at the bar until four in the morning and dramatically lower your standards But seriously, what I wanted to say was I was recalling Dan's advice for people with sexual performance issues when they suggest he suggests taking a step back and having intimacy without penetrative sex on the table at all, I'd suggest the same thing for you with dating. In addition to following Dan's advice about hiring a professional, I'd say try dating women while taking sex off the table or even just spending time in the company of women with dating off the table Young women often have a sixth sense for men who want to get laid but don't actually like or respect women or enjoy their company. I'm not saying this is you could be the vibe you're giving off. Good luck. And we are going to leave it there Got a sex problem, got a relationship question, got a comment. Go to saabage dot lovev slash ask dance, record and upload your question or your comment directly onto our website or you can record a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at Q at saabage dot lovev or you can call us at twoz six three hundred twozero six four and leave us a message on our answer And hey, if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me and my listeners, send us an email at cQ at saavage. lovev. Let us know what you did and you might be my next guest on After Action Rort Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage, Follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage. Follow Master R on Twitter at Young Dom NYC. His DMs are open for collabs and he teaches group and private classes. And I've watched him work Big Kink Ket and he is amazing. Follow Adam Darrow on Instagram at seeeek the Risk. To learn more about his book, Seek the Risk, O man's Journey into non monogamy, and to order a copy, go to his website seekthrisk. net The Savage Lvecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the teech Svvy att Risk Youth will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lvecast Tama This episode of The Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume, and the overall health of your semen If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? Made in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across fifty states and forty five countries swear by If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, better mouth feeleel, go to loadboost. com today and use code Savage for ten percent off or click the link in this week's episode description That's loadboost. com and use offer code Savage. Granger knows when you're a procurement manager for an office park You're not managing one building. you're managing all of them And to stay ahead, you need to see through walls and around corners Lights about to fail, filters ready to clog, HVac on its last leg. If you wait until something breaks, you're already behind Count on Granger for quality products, easy reordering, and twenty four seven support Call one eight hundred Granger, click Granger d. com or just stop by Granger For the ones who get it done.