Hump Film Festival Awards

You're listening to the Savage Love Cast, Dan Savage's sex and relelationship Sh for grown upps If you're under eighteen Get out of here yngin If you're stuck in a relationship quanding, or if you're looking for sexual harm . Sound up guysys, I have just done my biannual transplant, relocating myself from my boyfriend's place. In the Central European time zone to my husband's place in the Pacific time zone My husband's place is my place too, and my boyfriend's place is also my place too. It's complicated anyway. My brain is mush right now, Bad is the point I am trying to make, so you will forgive me I don't address the best way forward on LGBT rights or the cage match on the lawn of the White House this weekend, or the sex scandal currently engulfing a Trumpy MAGA pastor who's running for Congress Just Google Pastors for Trump to get all the dirty details By way of an introduction to this week's show because even as exhausted as I am, this week's show P's an introduction. I'm going to share A little bit of good news, somethinghing I found out about this week that restored Some shred of my faith in humanity Turns out There are glory holes for people into feet Before I tell you how I found out about glory holes for foot fetishists Maybe we should call them Glory souls, a little trip down that is just memory lane. A friend was in the whirlpool at a gym here in Seattle Not a bathhouse, a gym and a pretty straight one at that Another guy came in, got into the whirlpool with my friend. It was just the two of them. And the guy asked my friend if he would like a foot roub Now there is only one reason why a guy in a whirlpool at a gym would offer some other guy in that same whirlpool at that same gym a foot rub Dude had a foot fetish You don't exactly have to sharpen Ucham's razor to carve the meaning out of that When my friend told me what happened, when he got to the locker room just a few minutes later, we were at the gym together that day. I was like, Oh my God, I am so sorry That must have been so awkward. what a Re And my friend said, it wasn't that awkward. and he was really grateful You let him? I said. Why not? said my friend? Because he's a foot feticist. I said. He's a pervert. It's creepy And my friend looked at me like, Duh, off course he was a foot fetishist. Of course he knew that Why else would he have offered a foot rub to my friend in the first place My friend saw it as a mutually beneficial arrangement. There was something in it for my friend. His feet were sore after his workout after running on the treadmill, and he got his feet rubbed And there was something in it for the pervert in the whirlpool. He got to rub one out later, thinking about my friends feet And he got to make a significant deposit in his own personal spank bank account I've often thought about what my friend did that day or allowed someone to do that day in the whirlpool. I mean, when we talk about being GGG here on the show, it's always in the context of a relationship, whether that's an LTR, an STR, or an FWB, a relationship But my friend showed me that day When circumstances are right and the vibes are good and you feel safe You can be GGG for a complete stranger who is a complete H whichich brings me back to Glory holes for feet. Sex having sex researching superstar Ayla tweeted this weekend that she has perpetually sore feet And she wished there were glory holes for foot rubs. I was surprised there weren't and said so Turns out There are. There's not one in the back of every seven eleven in the country or on every subway platform, but you know what? Maybe there should be, maybe there should be some way for people who would love nothing more than to rub someone's feet to be brought together with people who would love nothing more than to get a foot rub. No tongue rules, no ejaculating rules would have to be Observed and strictly enforced, these would just be rubs, but I could see it work as crazy as it sounds. It just might work How I might even be tempted if I came across one of the put rub glory holes that already exist or a new one to be installed later on the bus I take here in Seattle. I would never stick my dick in a glory hole for reasons I've shared again and again and again on this podcast, low probability, high consequence events are my Roman Empire, my own personal obsession. And I do not know where my uncles are at all times. and I have lots of uncles because I am from a huge Irish Catholic family. So no glory holes for me When a friend, actually, the same friend, the guy who let the guy rub his feet in the whirlpool, when he pointed out to me that none of my uncles are gay, so I don't really need to worry about going to a glory hole and getting a blow job? I said, No, no, you've got that backwards closet cases go to glory holes. and if one of my uncles is gay, he's a closet case. So the fact that none of my uncles are gay actually increases the risk of my uncle being on the other side or one of my uncles being on the other side of that Glory H I'm not taking any chances where glory holes are concerned. att least the kind of glory holes you stick your dick through If and when I come across one of these glory holes that already exist where you can stick your foot through or both your feet through instead of your dick and get a foot rub and not a blow job. Let's just say that my own personal risk benefit analysis in that case The risk of an uncle, weigh against the benefit of a foot rub would end up with me pututting my feet through the hole and getting that butt rub All right, on this week's show, a gay man hates the word fraudting and wants me ing of sexual neilologisms to come up with a new name for it, or maybe someone out there in the Savage Love army, which I guess we're calling you guys now has a better idea Another caller Kumble brags that she has multiple orgasms and wonders what's wrong with women who can't. And on the Magnum, I speak with Tracy Clark Florey, author of the stunning new memoir My Mother's Daughter. It's an incredibly moving story about how two siblings In adulthood found You can listen to our conversation on the Magnum version of the show, which you can subscribe to at savage. love And this month, if you're a new subscriber or you want to give a subscription as a gift, it's half off the usual price For just twenty five bucks, you get the bigger ad free magnum lovevecast, more Savage Love Q and A, my sex and politics podcast We got one coming out this week and it is a contentious one. alsoso invites to Zoom hangouts with me and the aforementioned Savageleve Army and more become a supporter of the show, become one of my subs in the queerest month of the year, June. Right now over at savavage. lovev. and Magnum subs, that new sex in politics, that comes out for you on Thursday. Journalist Ben Kaller dropped in to talk with me about his three part podcast series Strange Bedfells that he did for Reflector Again, it is a contentious conversation, but a civil friendly and good humored one. Look for it on Thursday. We're also getting a new Savage of Live on the calendar for our Magnum subs. Watch for that invite soon All right Let's get to this week's First call. This episode of the Loveast is brought you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website blog or online store. Head on over to squarespace d. com slash saavage for a free trial And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Savage to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers for the best mattresses on planet Earth. Right now for my listeners, get twenty percent off site wide, twenty five percent off luxe mattresses and thirty percent off elite mattresses at helixleep dot com slash saavage This episode is brought to you by VB Health, Doctor formulated supppplements that work To learn more about load boost, drive boost and soaking wet and to get ten percent off visit be. health and use the code Savage Heo, Dan. I'm a early thirties cis straight woman And I'm calling to ask about Female orgasm, you know, I think Obviously I'm sleeping with men, so I don't really have a chance to see or understand other women's sexuality that often. and something that I never understood is women who cannot have multiple orgasms And I hope this doesn't come off. won't fuck it. I think it's okay if it comes off has me bragging, but I'm someone who have very intense orgasms and I can have very many. And for me the first It's like the opening, okay, we can go and then I'm very sensitive and almost anything can make me come at that point. I'm also a very active person. I'm doing a lot of yoga. I'm very in tune with my body. so I think that definitely helps. For as long as I've been having sex, I've always been able to and wanted multiple orgasms And that feels like The natural thing. Like it doesn't make sense to me even that a woman would have one orgasm and then either not want more Be able to continue I don't know. I guess it sounds to me a bit like a male orgasm if it's only one and it doesn't it just doesn't make sense to me biologically Maybe culturally, that's what's happening, but Maybe you can give me some insight here and explain to me how it is that so many women or I don't even know what what is the percentage do you think of women that can have multiple or not have multiple orgasms I sometimes get in trouble because I will describe Women as multi orgasmic and I should get in trouble for saying that because only about roughly half, according to best current research data available Roughly half of women have multiple orgasms in a single session and That doesn't mean that the other half is broken somehow. You are Valorizing, I think, in yourself, what may be a gift, a physiological gift, a superpower that you have You tiptoe up to crediting it to You're doing yoga and being in tune with your body. and I hope you can see problematic that framing is. There are women out there who can do yoga positions you can't and who are just in touch with their bodies as you are in touch with yours and they can't come more than once and they aren't broken. They just aren't You They have different bodies, different physiological realities, different capabilities, different interests It's interesting when you Dive into the research and you look at the studies, it'll say roughly half of women Report having multiple orgasms in a single session, not multiple orgasms in every single session, but about seventy percent of women are capable, but only about half it or are interested in doing it. So what's up with that extra twenty percent Well, maybe some of the twenty percent haven't disiscovered that thir'd capable of having those many many orgasms in a single session, but it's also possible that Some are satisfied with the just one or Maybe some of the twenty percent had a multiple orgasm session and found the subsequent orgasms underwhelming, not worth the time or the effort or The law of diminishing returns kicked in where there were sububsequent orgasms weren't as Pleasurable So Yeah, like Lady, I get it, I get it. You can have multiple orgasms. That's great. That is Definitely a woman coed, female bodied person coded super but it's not a superpower that all women possess and it is, according to the research, a superpower that some women could access if they cared to but they don't care to Listening to your call was a little like listening to someone who's poly claimed that They're probably because they're more highly evolved emotionally or somebody whoses kinky claim that they're into whatever it is that they're into because they're not sexually repressed And the implication, the insulting implication in both cases and in your framing of being multi orgasmic, and why would any woman want to have sex if they weren't? If they didn't have multiple orgasms, the framing is an insulting insinuation about the people who want monogamy it suggests that they're emotionally stunted as opposed to the poly person who's more highly evolved emotionally or describes themselves as poly because they're more highly evolved emotionally or the kinky person who says that they're kinky because they're not sexually repressed, which implies that people who are vanilla are sexually repressed somehow, which is I suppose in some cases true, but not in all or even most. cases, some people just are vanilla and that's fine and kinky people aren't more highly evolved and poly people aren't more highly evolved. And women who are multi orgosmic are not doing womanhood better than women who are not You just differentifferent Enjoy the multiple orgasms Don't Cast aspersans on women Don't have them, can't have them or don't want them Hey Dan, I am a almost forty petero female living in the West I'm calling because my boyfriend and I of about a year and a half are trying to spice up our sex life I have A bit more experience with him or than him in relationships and sexuality kindind of pushing him a little bit more towards anal play. He's very into it But the only anal experience I've had over the years has been mostly intoxicated with random guys. random boyfriends over the years, and it's never been anything very serious At this point, I would like to do more play with that, but I need to know How to clean myself appropriately and prep ahead of time. I'm super self conscious about the poop aspect and I want to know what the best way is to prepare myself I'm assuming there's no such thing as impromptu anal So I think I have to plan it ahead of time and it can't just be a spur of the moment that kind of takes me out of it a little bit when I have to like plan ahead of time. It feels like a big commitment. but I could just secretly for it and whether I want to do it at the time I can let it happen or not Please Dan help me figure out how to prep myself the best way I can avoid any embarrassing accidents I know nothing's perfect, but I want to do the best I can Imrompt two anal is a lot like an impromptu three way It can work out. Everything could go fine or it could make a giant Mas Generally don't recommend the impromptu spur of the moment ree way because Particularly if two of the people are in a relationship, there's a lot of discussion negotiation, prep that has to be done in advance of the three way so it doesn't make a giant fucking mass and the same kind of applies to anal if you want to have anal sex. You can spur the moment, do it. You say that you've done it a few times when you were intoxicated. And I assume if it was a giant, traumatic mess, you would have mentioned it. if you'd made messes if poop was a problem when you went for it a couple of times on the spur at the moment, you would have mentioned that, but you didn't. So I'm gonna guess that it went okay, which Can You know, there's this culture now of Ding. And for some guys taking amodium not eating anything. for twenty four hours or nothing but ice chips at dinner There's this over preparation that goes on and a culture of and paranoia about I'm a little paranid about poop. I don't want any poop. Nobody wants poop. poop is anal sex is ongoing PR disaster. Nobody wants poop during anal sex except for a few people who you don't want to be having anal sex with Ironically enough. anyyway used to be that we all just kind of went for it. You had a sense of whether you were good to go. That's what we called it back in the day before everybody started douching all the time. You would just say to the boyfriend Silasman You feel like you're good to go And if you had regular bowel movements and you had a decent diet fiber supplements, if you drank water and you stayed hydrated and you'd recently had a bowel movement, you could sense. pretty good idea if you were at the bottom whether you were Good to go And then sometimes you thought you were good to go and you weren't actually good to go. And that wasn't I mean, it was it would d raail Anal sex, you would have to jump in the shower and then you would just jump back into bed after you jumped into the shower and do something Ese. Now everyone's anal overachiever. And that's all a lot of people want to do Basics. Yeah, it's not that hard. There are a million douchhing tutorials on YouTube. There's a million douchhing tutorials online that you can find just Google douhing anal basics and a million articles and a million videos right up You just need to get a small douche bulb and you want to clean out the lower GI, you want to clean out your rectum You want to put a little bit of water in, not gallons and gallons. You don't want to open a firehouse and then repeat the process until the water iss coming out clear. and then you will be Good to Could there still be a mess? us Just like when people do all the advanced emotional prep work before a threesome, it can still wind up making a mess of everything. And you just gott to be if you're gonna have a grown up adult sex life You gota be willing tolerate, not Seek out, but tolerate. If not mess itself, some risk of mast. and there's always going to be with anal A risk of maths This episode of The Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Squarespace We use Squarespace for the hump Film festival. And you should use it for your business, website, blog, or creative project Now visuals are not my thing So I'm all too happy to use Squarespace's well designed templates. You choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build your own online presence with your own special sauce And it's optimized for every device You can easily launch your website and get discovered quickly with integrated optimized SEO tools so you show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. And if you're selling stuff on your site, Squarespace has you covered. You can sell exclusive content by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses, or sell files your customers can download like PDFs, music, or ebooks. Make check out Seamless for your customers with simple payment tools, except credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay. These are the bells and whistles that take your site into the p professional realm Head on over to squarespace. com for a free trial. and when you're ready to launch Go to squarespace dot com slash savage and use the offer code Svage to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain That's squarespace d. com slash savage and use the offer code Svage. Hey Dan Can we talk for a minute about the Beautiful act. of Two people with penises rubbing them together until culmination I'm such a big fan of this. commommon term rrouting It's just foul. Surely we can do better. Who came up with that Hopefully between you and your listeners, we can think of something better. A partner of mine suggested Wiener smashing It's not exactly elegant come on frouting Okay frauding doesn't sound very lovely But can I sell you on frotage which is a variation means the same thing. It's French for frooting and a lot of people in The Anglosphere do use frtage instead of Fotting and it sounds a little bit lovevelier in the same way Fomage sounds lovevelier than cheese So if frrootting isn't good enough for you and your partner and frrootting isn't just rubbing two penises together It's two people or rubbing their genitals together or rubbing their genitals against each other's bodies clothed or unclothed. sometometimes it's also used to describe kind of sexual assault, somebody rubbing up against you on the subway. They identify as a fraudder or prison, hopefully eventually for committing nonconsensual acts of Fudting When you and your lover want to talk about it and you want it to be cozy and lovely and sexy Use the French French always make it sound love a three way or a menagentoire When Njois sound Lovelier, doesn't it Sounds more inviting. Vtage. sounds lovelier and froting. So you don't need a different word Diff different word already just exists in a different language and people already use it in English interchangeably. And so you can drop froudting and adopt instead Tj This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of my favorite mattress, my boyfriend's favorite mattress, and the best place to be, in my opinion. The Helix lineup offers twenty unique mattresses, including the award winning Lux collection. That is ours, of course. Terry will accept nothing less than Lux. The Helix Elite collollection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made J for kids. To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix sleep quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge And with Helix's one hundred night sleep trial, you can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts. And if you decide it's not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions and other stomach and back positions too. Plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night Right now my listeners get twenty percent off sitewide, twenty five percent off luxe mattresses, and thirty percent. Yes, thirty percent off elite mattresses. Again, go to helixleep dot com slash Savage. Make sure you enter Savage Lbcast into the post purchase survey so they know the lovebcast sent you Helixleep d. com slash Savage Hi Dan. I'm a thirty six year old bisexual woman living in Canada I've been with my male partner for two and a half years, aboutb a year and a half ago We opened the relationship That was something we discussed when we first got together that we were both interested in doing. When we opened the relationship a year and a half ago, I expressed that it was not the right time for me. to be doing that as I was caring for a cat that was slowly dying. And we were also in the midst of uprooting our lives, moving to a new city, moving in together in this new city several hours away. And I was launching a business. He really wanted to open the relationship. I was not interested in putting rules on his behavior So he went and connected with one other person. which I did know about and I was fully supportive of despite me making it very clear was not a good time for me He lied to me about the details of what was happening where he was going because he knew I would not be comfortable with it I found out lots of conflict ensued I feel like we have repaired. I don't feel like I'm actively holding resentment towards him. I do not ongoingly punish him and drag him through the mud for this fuck up. It was a fuck up but He's human. We talked about it. it's all good Yeah, but we basically have not had sex since that happened and it's been like a year and a half. He's in therapy. I have initiated couples' therapy. I've set up consultations. I don't go anywhere because he is not following through. don't really know what else to do. He's voiced concerns that he thinks he's fray sexual which I think is a made up pretend identity. I'm normally very, very validating of everyone's identities, but that to me is just avoidance dressed up in pretend identity. I have given him an ultimatum that if we are not having sex by the end of the year, I am ending it. What do you think Why wait End of the year, six months from now, you're gonna throw six more months away this relationship Relationship with a guy who when your cat was dying and you were in the process of moving to a new city together and you were launching a business And you had said, no Not no forever, but not right now, no to opening the relationship He went behind your back and fucked somebody else anyway and when he started fucking somebody else, he stopped fucking you And you are wasting time and money, seeing therapists and tryrying to get him into couples counseling Why? Why are you throwing good money after Bd? Why are you wasting six more hours on this dude to say nothing of six more Months and the relationship The relationship is kinda over already. You just need to pronounce it dead He stopp fucking you. I don't know why He's letting this play out the way he's letting it play out, but whether or not he's face sexual, whether or not that's a bullshit identity, whether that's avoidance, dressed up in Denity drag to make it sacrosanct, knock going wayigh in, but Is the relationship meeting your needs I would argue no. And if he's gonna get his ass into therapy and he might become A year from now, two years from now, somebody you partner with Yeah, he can fuck the fuck off and Do that on his own You can do that while you're broken up. He can do that while he's single And then if you're still single when he gets his shit together Maybe you could date him That But why bother dating him Now Wastting time on him now may cost you For all you know, you are interacting right now with somebody who could be your perfect partner. Or they could be on the apps waiting to meet you and they could be the needle in your fucking haystack and you're gonna miss it. You're going miss your opportunity with somebody Not the one person in the world who might be right for you. There's many, many, many, many people in the world who might be right for you, but you could miss your opportunity with somebody else who could be better for you Th this guy who's just wasting your fucking time. You've been together two and a half years and you haven't been Fucking for at least a year, a year and a half now. You don't need a therapist You need me? because therapist is gonna tell you what to do. therapist is gonna try to help you figure out what it is that you should do. You called me so that somebody would tell you what to do. I'm gonna tell you what to do. Break the fuck up with this guy other guys. Go fuck guys who want to fuck you and stop wasting time on this guy who says he loves you, but Clearly does not want to fuck you because he's an asshole where he's avoidant. which is a kind of identity. You're saying face sexuality is an identity. A lot of people Use that personality, avoidant personal, avoid attachment st. A lot of people identify as that shit now But clearly, not meeting your needs wasting your fucking time. Go bu somebody else This episode of the Savage Lbcast is brought to you by Soaking Wet by VB Health. Soaking wet is packed with the good stuff. It has probiotics, prebiotics, and the kind of vitamins that are beneficial for vaginas. Soaking Wet is the world's first oral probiotics specifically designed for total vaginal health, and it's called soaking wet for a reason Not only does it combat BV and yeast infections, it also levels up lubrication, making sex more pleasurable for everyone involved. All of VB supplements are made in CGMP certified manufacturing facilities to ensure the purity and safety of their products. Make every encounter slipperier, sexier, and downright sensational It's time to get soaking wet and keep those good times coming and coming and coming and coming. And the best part, soaking wet is formulated by medical doctors at VB Health Visit soakingwet dot com and use code Savage for ten percent off or click the link in the episode description. That's soakingwet dot com and use the code Savage Hi Dan. I'm a twenty six year old lesbian I only startorted having sex with women or non men around two years ago And I've sort of been trying to connect with my sexuality along the way. I used to rely on a magic wand a lot and porn and I was having a really hard time relaxing during sex. I have a tight pelvic floor, so penetration was sometimes difficult stimulation didn't really feel good. and so I've been trying to connect and tap into what actually turns me on. I started using my hands more and reading smT. Additionally, I have a CPTST diagnosis and I think it makes sex challenging for me. Sometimes I cry during sex and I have a really hard time feeling vulnerable So do you have any advice for connecting with positive aspects of your sexuality And u with just being a sexual person in general. I want to associate good things with sex and Not fear, really I hope you're working with a good pelvic floor specialist and a good therapist. Pelvic floor specialists can help you with those pelvic floor issues that have made penetration painful and a good therapist can help you with CPTSD, your diagnosis and treatment You've come to me for a little bit of sex advice All right, that's what I'm going to give you You've had bad experiences, painful experiences, experiences that made you Feel nervous in your body, nervous about enjoying your body, nervous about being sexual I think you'll be less nervous about sex If you Balance those bad and painful experiences out with good and pleasurable experiences So I would ask you does a good and pleasurable sexual experience for you look like. I would also ask you how you define sex. If you define sex as penetration, if you feel broken because you can't do penetrative sex, I would encourage you to define sex More broadly, outer course is sex, I think A lot of g men are identifying asides these days, maybe you should be the first lesbian out there to identify As aside, outer coursets hand stuff whatever it is that works for you, whatever gets you there, whatever gets you off, makes you come. you should In Solo sex right now, be focusing on that and creating a positive association for you, for your body for your reptile brain between sex and being engaged sexually and being aroused and having a positive and rewarding experperience. You really want to throw those positive experiences on the scale, on one side of the scale until they outweigh the negative experiences that you've had in the past They won't be able to do that. The experiences you can have, the kind of sex and sex play you can enjoy if you regard them as deficient somehow or less than sex or evidence that you are broken They are not For you, for now, this is sex and this is how sex works and you need to value pleasure that you can derive from the kinds of sex play that you're physically and emotionally of enjoying When it comes to partnered sex, okay Sometimes you cry during sex Tell your partner that It can be scary if you're having sex with someone and they suddenly start trying because you instantly think, o my God, I did something wrong. I' harm or traumatized this person. accidentally I didn't intend to harm them. And you don't want someone to have that kind of panicked response while they're having sex with you if you suddenly start crying. You want the person that you're with that you feel safe and comfortable being with, to know that You might start crying It's not about anything that they did or are doing And you just might need a moment. And if they know that could happen, they will react Well ideeally, hopefully, when it does happen, they will Stop whatever they're doing, offer you whatever comfort They can, whatever form comfort takes for you, they'll hold you, they'll run and get you a bowl of ice cream. It will make them feel in that moment, if you do start crying during sex good and competent lover. They will be able to, as the kids say, show up for you in that moment if they know that There's a certain pride people take when they have sex and being good at sex and getting somebody off. There's also pride people take when they have sex and being good to and good for And good with their part And so you crying in the moment rather than you feeling like you're crashing out or you're ruining it, not that it would ideal enhance the experience for the other person, but the other person could feel good about themselves in that moment being the person that you need them to be at that moment. if they are not blindsided by your tears You say that you have a hard time feeling vulnerable. and I'm sure those two things are related, crying during sex, having a hard time feeling vulnerable, that there's sort of an aurara boros going on there, sort of back loo because you sometimes cry during sex, you worry and you get tense about whether you're gonna to cry during sex, whether it's going ruin the sex. Also crying in front of someone makes you feel vulnerable and Just like awkwardness, acknowledging awkwardness makes you less likely to feel it or feel it as acutely or succumb to awkwardness acknowledging how vulnerable you can feel during sex. and Everybody feels vulnerable to some extent during sex. We are making ourselves vulnerable to each other during sex Along with letting the person know that you sometimes cry, you just get overwhelmed, Big feelings, sex dredges up, big feelings for you predict if you start sharing that with sex partners when you decide to pursue partnner and sex, when you're ready for partner and sex, you will be less likely to cry. You will by having acknowledged how vulnerable you can feel feel less vulnerable with that person Who knows that you feel very vulnerable during sex and stuck around That would be my advice on the sex front Take your pelvic floor specialist's advice on the pelvic floor front. take your therapist's advice on the mental health front. Enjoy what works for you outer courseour for now. donon't stress about what doesn't work for you, penetrative sex right now. and rack up those good experiences Create an association for yourself between sex, sex play, sexual pleasure and positiveness Hi, Dan and everyone else I'm a thirty seven year old bisexual woman living in the southern US The other day I was hanging out with a group of my gay guy friends and One of them was talking about how uncomfortable he felt the other day when an older woman started groping his younger friend. And we went on to talk about how there's a double standard when some women think because they're women, it's okay to be gross and sex pests towards men. then My other friend chimed in that, well, it's different with gay guys A group of guys are all gay, especially if they're at a gay bar Everyone's groping everyone and no one bats an eye, Nobody asks first. They don't look for enthusiastic consent. Their attitude was, well, you're at a gay bar so groping is on the table. And I was kind of shocked. I mean, I've been to a lot of gay bars and I guess I've seen this happen, but I don't have the lived experience of a gay man But I would like to think if I was, I would look for enthusiastic consent. They all kind of were just disagreeing with me on that point. As a woman, I was just kind of shocked, especially the main guy I was disagreeing with, he just was like, well, it's our culture and kind of shut me down and left it at that. But I want to challenge that, but it's maybe not my place Do you think it's should be talked about more that Guys just shouldn't assume it's okay to grope each other because they're gay Everyone isn' en groubbing everyone in gay bars, although if you fire up social media On a Monday morning, you might get the impression that everyone is gropping everyone in gay bars because there will be Women online who went to gay bars and were groped by gay guys who thought that that was okay because they're gay guys. so it doesn't mean anything. And you will see as many, if not more complaints from gay guys who were groped by women in gay bars, who thought it was okay because it doesn't mean anything and who treat gay bars A is a refuge from unwanted male sexual attention that they might receive in straight bars, but also kind of as petting zoos where They can touch men who have the kinds of bodies that they find attractive that they have license to because it doesn't mean no, no, it's not okay.e shouldn't be groping people without their consent in gay bars or spaces Now I want to rise in defense of the point that you're gay drunk friend in that gay bar was attempting to make Is it our culture It is venue and site specific. There are places that gay men go, there are spaces, gay men enter where the understanding is. that you may be touched And by entering that space, you are consenting to initial touch, to touch as First contact, touch as approach, touch as your consent is being sought. I'm thinking of Darkrooms, dark rooms bathhouses, certain public cruising areas where nobody uses their words and everybody knows that nobody uses their words in these areas. Leo Herrera. frequent guest here on the Savage Lbcast has written about the sex cultures in these spaces and he writes about those. Leo, of course believes that yes means yes and consent should be enthusiastic and defends culture of consent and the form requesting, obtaining, granting consent can take in these spaces, some of which are attached to gay bars backrooms Some gay bars Kind of R these spaces, there are some V sleazy gay bars that are essentially the whole place is the backroom Gaymen know which gay bars those are and gay men typically know that if they go there, they may have to rememove a hand from their hip or their ass if they don't want that hand on their hip or their ass We're not in cases where they do want that hand on their hip or their ass So It So a regular old gay bar and a regular old night. Yeah groping isn't a thing. Everyone isn't groping everyone and nobody should be groping anyone and gay men shouldn't be groping each other without consent Women shouldn't be getting drunk in gay bars and groping gay men like they're in a petting zoo and men in gay bars shouldn't women who happen to be in gay bars because it quote unquote doesn't mean anything Gay men need to be sensitive to the unwanted male sexual aggression that many women constantly having to fend off. That's the context in which you groping her in the gay bar where it doesn't mean anything because you're gay That's the context in which she's going to experience it, that context that she comes from of deflecting unwanted male, sexual aggression and attention hands removing hands from their bodies all their lives. And guys, it may not be your intent to do anything sexual or for it to mean something, but it might mean something to her and be experienced by her as unpleasant and threatening and women. in gay bars getting drunk and groping gay men. I have had friends who were in jock straps in gay bars on a jock strap or an underwear night or at a sleazy party. who were digitally penetrated by women who just came up behind them, put a hand on their ass and a finger into their hole That has happened to men. I know that is N Hey, I feel a little crazy even having to say that out loud. It is not okay to sidle up to a stranger of Any sex digitally penetrate them without their consent Not okay. Don't do that But it's not as easy for me to just agree with you. I really do want to agree with you. Cent culture. I'm a supporter of consent culture, supporter of yes means yes Supporter of Using your words Enhusiastic consent I'm there And yet The guy you were arguing with does have a point In certain places and spaces Gayen do grope each other And that kind of touch is Arguably, and that's what your friend was arguing culture Alright, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread at savage. love. says tall Canadian. I can relate to the woman who talked about how the sex and her primary relationship came roaring back once she and her husband started working towards opening up their marriage. My husband and I still have an active sex life after a quarter of a century together open and I have noticed in our relationship that sex is always at its best when we also have outside play partners And when outside sex dries up, our in relationship sex slows away. downown Says McSeve, about the same caller, The put husband with restrictive rules on the wife is pulling the maneuver that Republicans pulled on women about abortion Abortion is an option, but we're just going to put so many restrictions around it that it's unattainable And all of it was just until they could put a stop to it, which they have. Sounds like that woman's husband is using the same playbook Gazeba left a comment about the caller who was going meet up with a guy who wanted to come on her face or in her mouth, neither of which she was really looking forward to. I too genuinely enjoy giving blow jobs, Gazeba writes, and absolutely cannot stand the taste, smell, or texture of cum. It is not impossible to deal with though. I have developed a swallowing trick. I chase it with some water immediately, or you can take the dick out of your mouth and keep jerking it with your hand when your partner is close to coming. Ultimately, it is something you can work on together. Also, maybe he can come on your back or someplace else where you can't smell it or have to touch it Another great suggestion from dimples and dumples. If that caller's partner wants to come on her so bad, he should do it in the shower. He can have the pleasure of blowing his load But it'll be there and gone so quickly that the caller won' have a chance to be grossed out by it. All right, got something to say about something I said on this week's show. There are two ways for you to get it off your chest. You can jump into the comment thread at savage. lovev and share your thoughts there. or you can give us a call at twoz six threez two two zero six four or email us a voice memo at Q at savage dot lovev d All right, now, Savage love listeners who left messages on one of our many answering machines about last week's show. get to have the last word about this week's show Hi, so the caller who is being asked to be a DM for the first time and is learning. First of all, what a great conversation Master R and Dad had about this I'm surprised you this can be one of the hottest things about GSs, which is negotiation, having the discussion between the two partners about what you'd like to do what you're capable of doing and what you don't want to do can be really, really for workpl and could also lead to some really interesting cases you may not have expected that you're very, very ready and willing to try before even diving into learning something entirely new So have that conversation and enjoy it And we are going to leave it there. Got a sex problem, got a relationship question, got a comment for us. Go to savage dot love slash ask Dan to record and upload a question or a comment directly onto our website. or you can record a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at Q at savage dot lovev or you can call us at twoz six three zero two two zero six four leave us a message on our vintage answering machine And hey, if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me and my listeners, send us an email at cQ at savage d. lovev. Let us know what you tried and you might be my next guest on A Action Reort. The hump awards are officially out, think the Oscars, but way more democratic. audiences across North America and Europe Cast their votes for their favorite films in the Hump Film Festival twenty twenty six for their favorite horny queer dragons, three hundred and sixty degree invert hanging blow jobs and glory holes that never seem to end. headad over to Hump Film Fest on Instagram to find out about this season's hump award winners and the call for submissions for Hump twenty twenty seven is out. So if you've always dreamed of being an award winning filmmaker yourself, head to humpfilmfest dot com slash submit All the info you need on entering and fingers crossed winning a hump Award in twenty twenty se. Follow me at Blue guuy at Dan Savage, foollow me on Instagram at Dan Savage. Follow Tracy Clark Flurory on Instagram at Tracy Clark. Flory. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy Fartunian and me and Nancy and the teech Svy att Risk Youth we will all be back at you next week and install me the Savage Love Cast Thank you as ever for downloading. This episode of the Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Lad Boost by VP Health Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? madeade in the USA, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across fifty states and forty five countries swear by load boost. If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, better mouth feeleel Go to loadboost. com today and use code Savage for ten percent off or click the link in this week's episode description That's loadboost. com and use offer code saavage. 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