Reflecting on the mask and social success

This episode of Search Engine is brought to you in part by Notability We've all been there sitting in a high stakes meeting, a dense lecture, or just a chaotic workday, desperately trying to scribble everything down while actually trying to listen If you're looking for a thoughtful, genuinely practical gift for a student, educator, or professional in your life, or even just a treat for yourself, you need to check out Notability Notability is an all in one note taking and learning app designed to help people capture ideas, stay organized, and make far more use of their notes It supports a range of everyday use cases from school and studying to meetings, PDFs and personal organization It makes your notes more useful after the moment has passed. You can take notes by hand, type and annotate PDF's all in one place You can record and transcribe audio from meetings or lectures and use AI powered study tools to instantly turn those notes into quizzes and flashcards It's the perfect way to help someone keep more of their thinking in one place. Try notability today at notability dot com and use code search twenty five at checkout to get twenty five percent off. This episode of Search Engine is brought to you in part by Liquid IVy. Here's the thing about sumhere in New York. You walk to the Bodega, youready sweing through your shirt. A any actual activity, biking over the bridge, standing over a grill walking your dog and you're losing real fluid Water alone doesn't always cut it, which is where liquid IV comes in J one stick and sixteen ounces of water hydrates faster than water alone It's powered by LV HydrosScience, an optimized ratio of electrolytes, essential vitamins and clinically tested nutrients to turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration I keep one in my bag. White peach is pretty good. Done. Retain hydration for up to four hours, eight essential vitamins, no artificial sweeteners They use alulose instead Get moving with superior hydration from liquid IivV. Pare poor, live more goo to liquid Iiv. com and get twenty percent off your first purchase with the code search a check out That's twenty percent off your first purchase with code search at liquid Iiv. com This is Sarch Egion, I'm PJ Vote. No question too big, No question too small This week, a question that is very small Not a question of mine, someone else's, but a question I related to very deeply question from an internet personality and anonymous one who writes a sububstack I enjoy I know you prefer to write online under The name cartoons hate her. Is there like a first name that we can use for the purposes of this story Yes. So I go by CHH in like my comment section, my discord and stuff, but then if legacy media wants me to write for them And you know, sometimes they do to quote Trump. They were begging like dogs. They were saying, please write for a wonderful publication. But I said you can't do it without the beautiful pseudonym. I don't want to do the real name. There's a lot of weird people out there. and you gott to use the beautiful pseudonym. Basically, I go by Claire Habor Harris, which is CHH for short. This was minute two of my interview with Claire. Talking to her for me, I experienced her like a fireworks factory that someone had accidentally dropped a lit match in. A stunning show that's also a lot where I found myself entertained, but not totally sure where to sit As so can you how do you describe what it is you do I run the number one humor account on Substack at least as of this day. I don't know if someone's gonna to overtake me by the time this comes out I write about social dynamics, anything from friendship, parenting, relationships, dating, marriage. and then also just some like random like internet pop culture, that kind of stuff. I'll cover a little fashion here and there I read an article about in cell gorillas who start their own all male societies. So you never know what you're doing get with my stuff. You really don't And recently, Claire wrote about this question she had that captivated me A blog post called a full investigation of why nobody comes to my parties The question was simple In the real world, Claire lives by her description, an incredibly normy life as a mom somewhere wo kids, a husband. But with this funny problem She wants to throw these big parties, notothing debaucherous, just a classy party with dressed up adults and their children Ecept when she tries to do it peopleople don't want to come A different person would just throw smaller parties or no parties Claire is not that kind of person. Why is throwing parties important to you? Why do you want to throw parties? Why do you want people to come to those parties I think it has so much to do with memories I have as a kid. You know, my parents would throw this really big Christmas party every year and it was dressy. It was formal. People would come in fancy clothes, they would bring their kids. The kids would be dressed fancy, the kids would like make little innocent mischief around the house and there would be all this food and it was like the highlight of my year. My parties were much more low key I do like the idea of like people reasonably putting in the effort to dress up a little bit and go to a party. I don't put in the effort. I cook for my parties. I like I go to so much effort, I make cakes, I make Rast stuck, I want to do the work. And I love doing the work. I love doing that All I ask is that people come and that they wear something better than swat pants. And so what has happened so far? Like you have this vision in your head, which is like A party where you cook something where people dress like above airport grade Maybe there's a theme You you what happens when you try to do this? Every single time it was the same thing where I'd invite a lot of people And a lot of people would say that they were out of town, they couldn't make it. A lot of people wouldn't respond at all. I would be like, okay, I need to follow up. I don't want to be annoying. I would follow up like three times. No one would respond. And then A week before the party, I wouldd always be like, I think I gott to cancel this because no one's coming. and this is really humiliating. and I don't think I have any friends. And if I continue with this party, what's to happen is people are going to show up see that no one else is there and they'll be like, this girl's a loser. I don't want to go to her parties again. and then I'm gonna to have an even smaller group of people next time. And I'm just gonna circle the drain time and time again. How many when you send out an invitation, like how many people are you inviting typically It's gotten smaller. So it used to be that I would invite a lot of my coworkers and I would invite a lot of people that I've met once or twice, and I would set this really, really wide net, thirty, forty people, and like maybe eight people would show up. So now I'll invite like ten couples, ten families And I'm lucky if three show up That is a low yield. I have to say, that is a low yield. It's a very low yield. One thing though is I have to avoidoliday weekends because I'm from an area where apparently no one stays home for any holiday weekend ever. like everyone's always out of town. And that's the most common response I get is I'm out of town So I have to be very careful. And you take, I'm out of town. L when you get that as a common response, you're both thinking A lot of people are traveling a lot and some people might be using it as a very convenient social out. Oh completely. I see it as like every individual person who says it in the moment I believe them. And I'm like, okay, sure. But then I look at my invite list and I'm like, okay, I invited ten people seven or out of town on a random weekend in October. What are the odds? you know? And it's like some of them are lying. I don't know who it is What I sometimes do is I calculate, oh, this person has been out of town every single time I've invited them. I don't believe. There was one woman that claimed to have a stomach virus three times in a row. She didn't even change the virus. She couldn't even have the decency to get COVID or something. I was like, I don't believe you ome important context. When Claire moved to the place where she currently lives, she's hoping to make a ton of new friends there said COVD struck and she and her husband had a baby, then another And the triple whammy, new home, pandemic, kids, has just made finding people harder than she would have liked. She's got some mom friends from the park, one through a Facebook group, a few wins There's something about the conversion from a good first meeting to friendship that is malfunctioning playlayers not a closer Like here's a great example. Yeah. I met this woman. She came over to her house with her kids We had a really nice time and she was like, I definitely want to hang out with you again. This was so fun. We have so much in common and we did have so much in common. And then I invited them to My son's birthday party. and I met her husband at this party And I said to him like, oh, I've gotten really close with your wife. She seems so nice. We have so much in common. I don't know if you've gotten to meet my husband at all, but like it would be great. We could all go out do something together even with the kids if you wanted to bring them And he very coldly said, Well, we have a lot going on this summer. like we're going to be out of town a lot. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's fine. We are too actually. But like when we get back, let's all work something out. And he was like, well, you know, work is pretty crazy and like I have a lot going on. And I was like, why does this guy not want like he was clearly making excuses and I was like stupidly taking them at face value. Like I was like shooting down every objection. I was like,, yeah, don't wor about it. we can come to you, like bl. And then I was like, no, no, no, it's deliberate. He doesn't want to hang out with me I don't know why. Like maybe it was because I was talking to the husband and not the wife. Like maybe he thought I was hitting on it. Like I was like, I don't But he did not want to hang out with me. And then I never heard from the wife again. And to this day, I still have no idea what it was. It could have been like my kid, or it could have been me or it could have been my husband like. I don't know. it could have been anything That had so many interactions like that that after a while, like something's going on. And how much do you worry that it is just like like something about you. Like how much does your brain say like this is a personal thing Oh, it always comes back to that. I think that's a likely Culprit. S of my earliest memories from preschool even because I have a pretty good memory is like Something is wrong with me. I don't know what it is. Other people are in on this code. I'm not in on it. I don't get it. A lot of people have speculated that I have autism. I've been tested a lot of times and I don't. I'm not even like remotely on the spectrum. So I don't know what it is talalking to Claire, Geting Claire. Very obvious you are encountering an unusual person Not autistic, but has been tested a lot of times sort of its own category She's also been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD She's a person with a brain that works really well in some ways, less well in others, where the part that sees clearly is constantly trying to describe things to the part that sees fuzzly You say like you have early early memories of this feeling of like Whatever, the social rhythm that some people find easily you only found with difficulty I was the kid not invited to other kids' birthday parties, and then no one would ever come to mind. So this is a deep wound from like childhood I have a summer birthday so I'm gonna to blame some of it on like people actually traveling. But there was a little girl. I still remember her name. It was Mean. If you're listening now, Meghgan, yes, I am still angry at you, but she had a birthday party. We were six and she invited the whole class except for me. And I don't know what kind of mother now as a mother looking back on that like What sicko would allow their kid to invite their whole first grade class except this one six year old girl, like what a horrible person. So I mean, it's not her fault because she was a child, but like her mother needs to answer for her crimes. And at that age, your parents tell you that you're perfect and amazing. I mean, if you have loving parents and my parents always told me, Oh you're so li likeable. I love you so much. You're so funny so there's a same where I'm like, well, why doesn't anyone else like me I think it's fair to say that some version of this question exists in most people's minds, at least sometimes. Who among us has not had the feeling that they're being off putting, but don't know why That their personality has a big green chunk of something in its teeth that everybody else is reacting to, but won't just describe for you Nobody'll do it except a podcaster That's why we're devoting a full episode to documenting one person's potential flaws and faux puse an unusually thick skinned extrovert who has invited us explicitly to do so Claire assured me she was prepared to sit with whatever it was we found I think I'm at the point in life where like I'm a big girl I can handle it. What I want this to be, not that it's up to me, but like I just want it to be funny and relatable and like Oh, you know, she's a little awkward. Like I think that's fine. I'm okay to be roasted a little bit. I'm okay. If someone says her party's fucking suck ass and I've hated every single one, I will laugh at that But if someone's like she's a horrible mother and I suspect that she is a serial killer, I willon be very upset. So tootally understandable.ike you are this is like a very like human, human human set of concerns And so would the next step be for me to send you some people that you should That would be the. I will do that. Awesome. All right, thank you. All right. Touatch you soon After the break, we go get answers This episode of Search Engine is brought to you in part by Nability We've all been there sitting in a high stakes meeting, a dense lecture, or just a chaotic workday, desperately trying to scribble everything down while actually trying to listen If you're looking for a thoughtful, genuinely practical gift for a student, educator, or professional in your life, or even just a treat for yourself, you need to check out Notability Notability is an all in one note taking and learning app designed to help people capture ideas, stay organized, and make far more use of their notes It supports a range of everyday use cases from school and studying to meetings, PDFs and personal organization. It makes your notes more useful after the moment has passed. You can take notes by hand, type and annotate PDF's all in one place Plus, you can record and transcribe audio from meetings or lectures and use AI powered study tools to instantly turn those notes into quizzes and flashcards. It's the perfect way to help someone keep more of their thinking in one place. Try notability today at notability d. com and use code search twenty five at checkout to get twenty five percent off This episode of Search Engine is brought you in part by Liquid IVy. Here's the thing about sumhere in New York. You walk to the Bodega, already sweing through your shirt. A any actual activity, biking over the bridge, standing over a grill Walking your dog. and you're losing real fluid Water alone doesn't always cut it, which is where liquid IV comes in J one stick and sixteen ounces of water hydrates faster than water alone It's powered by LV Hydroscience, an optimized ratio of electrolytes, essential vitamins and clinically tested nutrients to turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration I keep one in my bag. White peach is pretty good. Done. Retains hydration for up to four hours, eight essential vitamins, no artificial sweeteners They use alulose instead Get moving with superior hydration from liquid IivV. Tare, poor, live more go to liquidiv. com and get twenty percent off your first purchase with code search a check out That's twenty percent off your first purchase with code search at liquid IV. com show likeike everybody else. I like things that are good L at movie But I can get about as much pleasure out of something that just totally sucks An AI written song so much's generated that they are now playing for me off their phone speaker I' convinceced it's completely brillant If something is bad enough Trying to just explain to myself what makes it bad is its own pleasure Autopsy of a stank How many times in my life driving home from an open mic night or a play? had I already been mentally running through a kind of true crime story Who or what killed the fun that could have existed in this place I done it actually for illion parties I' attended I just never done it like this over the phone first series of parties I hadn't Clire had sent me a long list of people who'd agreed to talk intimates like her husband and brother old friends from her pre mom life in San Francisco, also new people in her new home I decided to start there Oh, Long have you known? Clire. Okay. so I've known Claire about five years. We met as a mom meet up during the pandemic This is Liz, a friend who Clar met through an event organized on the local Facebook mom's group. There was a third mom that was there and she was kind of boring, but I could tell Claire was interesting and funny and neurotic and witty. And I'm like, I shall become her friend And so have you been to any of Clareine's parties? So we have kids. So my only experience with her parties has been kids' birthday parties. And what are they like? So like basically they have a like great backyard space. They're a shoe free household, so you take off your shoes, but then you put them back on to go through the back Or your kids have wet feet in their socks, which also happens to my kids on occasion. But I'm like kind of a lase fair parent, so I don't care as much about that But you get to the back, normally her husband has like a cocktail situation going on, which is sometimes non alcoholic, sometimes alcohol, depending on where they are in their alcoholic journey. And then there's normally like a kid's beverage of some sort that's on the healthier side. and then there's like a birthday cake of some sort. The last time she made like a really beautiful cake herself, it was delicious Pes Already, scattered clues in search of a line alcohol journey I filed that in my hat in case meant something but also actually Delicious cake It meant that food probably wasn't the problem less I wondered if Claire could be overstying people's reactions to her cooking Party failure mode I both encountered D deffinitely creatate it Let's continue And then like normally the kids are just hanging out for a while, they play on the swing set, they mess around. At like two parties ago, she gave away these really beautiful hand crocheted stuffed animals because she didn't like the waste of like a lot of goodie bags, and they were like very precious and sweet. So very thoughtful, very nice But yeah, like it's a kid's birthday party. I mean, it sounds nice though. It doesn't sound It is. And it's not super u ured No, it's super chill. L, especially given that it's clearent neg that is significantly more chill than other things in their lives. And what do you mean by way more chill than some of the other things in their lives You know, like the tidiness of the house is really important to Nick La gets distracted sometimes because she is really focused on her kids. and like she really she's a good mom. She really cares about her kids and like really tries to stay attuned to everything that's going on with them Much more so than I do. We went out for sushi once and it was like an all you can eat sushi place and the kids were playing on a field and like she spent like a significant amount of our time like trying to make sure she could always see her son and that he would come closer, whereereas like my kids were just running around like crazy animals and I was just like, whatever So yeah, stuff like that Stuff like that put that in noook Two It's funny. It's like, you're describing people who are like anxious, maybe like verging on uptight, which is totally fine. But you're not having what confuses me is like The experience she's having is like There's something about the party she's throwing or the way she's throwing them or something that is pututting off some people. There are people who go and never come back or people who see the invitation and decide not to come. But it's hard because what you're describing sounds Very normal and fine. It's super normal. And you've never been I'm not trying to I guess I am trying to lead the witness. I'm trying to resist my own temptation to lead the witness. but you've never been at a party of Cares where you've thought It party's kind of weird. It should be different. No, neverever like it was weird. L it's always a small gathering, but it's always pleasant. Okay. I'd say like maybe if there was more food, like that would be my one piece of feedback, like more food would be great Is it just is it not many snacks? There aren't that many snacks, but I don't I would never say that that was like a turn offff to the party People appreciate characuterie, crdete, tiny pigs, and tiny blankets. You might even show up for good enough snacks But their scarcity wasn't a reason for a seventy percent decline rate I made my next call. How far back do you go with Claire So we met the summer of twenty twenty three, I wantna say. So it's been a few years This is Meredith, another fellow mom, but less a friend or an acquaintance. Meredith had had some different experiences at Claire's parties, although Now at the first one The first one was fine It was lovely. They invited maybe the entire class of families, like not just kids, but whole families to their place for a get together. It was like a beautiful Late May or June day They have this wonderful backyard where they had like a swing set and they had a bouncy castle water feature type thing set up. and Oh wow. H they rented the bouncy castle or did they have a f? No, they owned it. Yes, they owned it. I've never been to anyone's house who owned a bouncy castle I know Yeah see Castle There'd been this kid I'd known in junior high. remember somewhat ostracised. Not because anything was wrong with them exxcept how badly he was trying to be liked and opulence of his seventh grade birthday party He would have had a bounty castle. Could the problem here just be the visible sweatiness of it all But I looked into it This bouountncy castle was actually modest One you can get on Amazon for about one hundred and fifty bucks And besides The bounty castle charmed Meredith And I was like Wow, okay. the kids were like thrilled, you know? If I had been hosting the party, I would have been like, that was a great success. Have you ever been to a party at their house that felt unusual or awkward or weird or not fun. So The third party, this is and the final party that I was invited to at their house was different U It was a joint party for Claire and her daughter It was more indoor and it was a totally different vibe She had invited there were some family there, there were coworkers there. there were Some of her husband's friends were there and a tiny smattering of this same preschool parent group was there. And were they not mushing in a coherent way No, No. I mean because The corkers kind of stuck together and then like the ones of us that had kids, like we were in and out of their basement because that's where like the kids were mostly hanging out. And they weren't able to reach across the gap. because sometimes it's fine.ike sometimes it's fine. sometometimes people mix, but they were not mixing Yeah I mean Yeah. I don't think they were mixing that well. I don't think I was mixing that well either. and Clire was being pulled in a bunch of different directions herself. What do you mean? Can you describe what that was like She and her daughter had these very cute matching outfits. They were trying to get photos. She was trying to like Drinks and stuff, I don't know, she was like hosting in very normal expected ways, but I don't remember feeling like she was sort of doing the connecting work She wasn't doing like, oh, you should talk to this person and you guys need to talk about Pittsburgh. becauseuse you guys both went to Pittsburgh one time. Right, right, right, right. Maybe one of the more common forms of bad party in this world the one where you're an ingredient placed into a mix in which you're never going to blong. Mustard. Equirt it into the batter of a cake It was one of those things where you know I I didn't know how long to stay. It was a very open ended party and I definitely felt like Relieved You know I don't know. But it was like coming to like we're going to be here for the amount of time we need to be here. and when you go, you get in the car and you're like Let's go home. Yeah. We're like, okay, I did that. but it's like so hard because like I do really appreciate people who are willing to hosts. and I think it's amazing that she is. it's I feel like awful, honestly being like negative about it in any way. It was just like it did not feel like a party I wanted to stay at. filed these stories away and began to reach out to a new list of people The San Franciscans. peopleople who'd known Claire longer even before she was mom I sent my emails I waited for responses. Do parties matter I hesitate to say this next bit because I believe it so earnestly, it makes me cringe But I do think parties matter in a deep, serious way Parties summon the thing we actually care about community community meaning fans of an influencer, not community meaning consumers of a product, actual community When people who know each other a lot or a little come together to risk something Risk being embarrassed or embarrassing. bored or boring Nobody has time for a party. We all work too much. It's shameful to care about them, certainly as much as I do, certainly as much as Claire does But I think they've reached us somewhere that's deeper than modern Two inches beneath the surface of our brain were cave people. scared, alone, afraid that when we wake up the tribe will have moved on, and we'll have to fend for ourselves against all these bears. Claire doesn't know what it is about her that drives people away. That woman she tried to befriend the woman's husband, her group of friends in middle school who one day, out of nowhere, just permanently voted her off the lunch table You don't get to do exit interviews with the people who decline your friendship. But a party, it's a way at least to test her current phone book to see if the people whose numbers she knows will actually show up if she calls them That's why she asked about the parties That's why I was here So my name is Alyssa and I've known Claire I don't know how many years since she very first moved to San Francisco. So maybe Fourteen or fifteen years ago Alyssa's a long distance friend today. But back in SF, she and Claire were extremely close whichich means she attended many of Claire and her husband Nick's parties I wish she had to tell me? was informative For starters even way back then These were low yield parties I would say a handful of people would show up often the same characters, often Random characters who were like people she was trying to like befriend that week I don't have a problem with these like smaller group gatherings, but I think in her mind, she always wanted more of a rager. So I guess she interpreted them as being you disappointments, but as an attendee, I never did more evidence that Claire kind of just hodgeodes people together Some people mind thers don't. But Alyssa, helpfully, had also done a little reporting of her own I asked my old husband For his perspective, like, do you remember those parties And he's like, well I remember that their place was really small and we would just sort of all be crowded around a TV watching music videos Wait, really Yeah She wanted this like upscale martini drinking vibe in her apartment, but then when you get there, it was definitely like an apartment that was very decorated by Nick. kindind of like look like a Skuy's place it's not as polished compared to where they live now. Help me see it. Like how did Nick decorate an apartment back then? It was dark Dark, there was sports paraphernalia, like on the walls There was a license plate that said ass manan on it on a wall, which I always loved And that's what my husband brought up to. He's like, ask me man. I'm like, Yeahah, I know. that was so good. We have so many photos of it As manan license plate, of course a Sin field reference, Kramer's license plate, one episode and under the As manan plate. They would participate in some strange party rituals. led by Claire's hus So we'd get to his apartment and the TV was always on. and he always wanted to show like music videos. Music videos, like do you remember the genre I'm going to mispronounce it by David Gueta You really liked him. The like I Dance music. I is EDM. I never watch music videos oututside of their apartment. I don't think I would ever intentionally look up a music video, but it's very core to like the party scene there The second genre of events that would happen at these parties would be Claire's impressions Wh she would like? I think she did like an Iggy Azalea one. She's always been into doing impressions. Nick would sort of like, you know, get everyone quiet and be like, hold on, hold on. Like Claire iss gonna to do an impression now. It was a little forest, faby And you know, he was always her biggest cheerleader like laughing it up and thinking it was so great. but I think It was never my husband's sense of humor or something like he was entertained by. Like she is not everyone's cup of tea And her sense of humor is absolutely not everyone's flavor Listening to this, I got the feeling I imagine defense attorneys get when they learn something about their client that might not play so well in court scale Martini drinking party in a man cave where the hosts kind of Michael Scott on you husband demanding you sit quietly and be an audience for his wife's humorous impressions. while meanwhile, you're also subject to unsolicited David Getta tracks on YouTube. This does not sound like my neorood party at all I don't like Aeta I would remember that party, but I don't think I would come back for another N a monster would do this to people My name is Nick. I'm her husband. We've been together since she was nineteen, so seventeen years. We've been married almost twelve years? Yeah, we've been together. I know her pretty well any if you have any questions. Nick, not his real name. As Alyssa had alleged, Nick was responsible for those David Getta tracks and by his admission, He'd also been egging Claire on when it came to her comedic impersonations She was an incredible impersonator.ike she can like sing and just do like all these different artists. So I like hijacked a party and make her do like a show for people ' she's so everyone would be laughing and laughing and' like, But I always think like if she put like her talents more in display, I always say you get more friends that way. That's always my philosophy. and she always goes like the complete opposite, like not wanting to like be the center of attention anymore never wanting to like talk about her work or anything like that It's hard not to appreciate Nick's profound love for his wife, his conviction that she's the funniest person he knows, his desire to show her off This way I was even willing to give him a pass on the David Getta stuff And So the problem that she is that she's identifying that the invvitation yield is bad Is this a problem that you also perceive to be real It's definitely a problem. Yes, yes. It is. It's been a problem So we lived in San Francisco for a while And back then, we never had big turnouts, but we always had A good group of people. And since we moved, we've just never Hide consistent turnouts. And she really likes throwing party. She grew up And you know, her family always do party, these big extravagant party. So She's always trying to do this. It just never comes to fruition And what do you suspect is going on Well, I think there's probably like a pie of a lot of different reasons. I'm sure I'm part of the problem. L I also have OCD I can definitely get like hyper fixated with people like scratching a table or leaving a glass of water on a table without a coaster. So that's a little piece of the pie. I think like she can definitely get very anxious when her kids aren't in sight. And I think like at a party, that probably can make people feel a little bit uncomfortable or like I mean, other things she You know, a lot of the moms typically like we' like even to like a party where we're like maybe just like Nice sweet paint. I not that dress not very dress. but she comes like fully dressed up, right? I think that could also make people feel a little bit uncomfortable The thing about the clothes, I'd actually wondered about this too One recurring theme on Claire's substack on Cartoons Hate her is the outfit she wears. She often makes her own clothes. She post photos with her face blocked out Internet commenters have remarked on her fashion. Someone called her clothes indecent I'm modest. They're being fruits. Anyone who dresses remarkably risks annoying some people Nick and Claire had both noted that sometimes women in particular react badly to Claire The women at the office where she's to work people she worked with, like the cool girls from work that would come And they would be like very mean to her M you mean at the party they just they would just not like pay attention to her or really engage with her I remember like we were getting the party ready And we were on the roof deck and we saw someone like waiting at the bottom They had a huge bottle of rose I was like, can, you know you can come in. it was like starting to ra. You can come in like, no, no, no, I don't want to come uil the girls here. Oh my she's like wa waiting outside with the power. She didn't want to be just like in there with Claire until all the other girls from work that she was friends with were there too. That is really painful. Yeah She's had a lot of really painful experiences. I tell her just stop. I just do not care that much. I just don't see why it's the effort or the stress. It puts you through so much stress, I don't get why she useds do this to herself Nick would prefer to not see his wife get hurt like this over and over again. He wishes they could just stick to dinner with friends But the big parties aren't even fun. Nick's brain doesn't have the feature Claire's does a deep curiosity to know why some people don't like him is the same position. Because all of us are annoying and boring some of the time In ways we'll never detect How many times have I been at a party telling what I think is a hilarious anecdote? When I notice that the person I've been talking at Their phone has the Uber screen on it Because while I was enjoying how funny I think I am, They were summoning anescape pod It's just a fact of being a person And unless you're a politician or a celebrity The world will never tell you the specifics of your unfavorables But for Claire, the unfavorables were impossible to ignore Because her whole life, she found herself bumping into them Mths to pass now I'd mostly worked through the list, Clared said Everybody had grasped a part of the elephant. It wasn't even that mysterious. For one, Claire's very anxious. It's not uncommon for her to have a freak out because she's convinced something terrible has happened to her husband or her kids Another part of the elephant is Claire's sense of humor A distinct flavor, not for everyone. B big performer The kind of person who once so thoroughly hijacked a party with her Lana Del Ray impression that no one could hear anything else. A ham like that is never gonna be for everyone Although Claire says she's purposely over the years taught herself to dial that down to spend less time trying to be funny more time trying to just ask people questions about themselves St The RSVPs were coming back nose And at such a higher rate than any of us would have predicted The last person I talked to should have been the first person who could see every part of the elephant. Claire's br He knew he'd always known why nobody goes to his sister's parties It was like keep' been waiting for my call I guess first of all, Is your perception that this is a real thing? Like do you feel like people don't go your jers? Yeah, ye Yeah, yeah Um, I mean, so like My sister and I are like Really, really, really best friends. And by the way, this is not background. L you could print this. she's like a very difficult and annoying person, but like she's my absolute best friend. So like For example, today, she's like texted me like over a hundred times about Honta virus and whether she's gonna die from Hontav virus. When you say over a hundred times, are you speaking rhetorically or No, no, no. I think the number of texts about Hontaavirus are probably about close to one hundred and they were probably over one hundred yesterday. Oh, that's so long. And like that's like I ignore her like when I don't want to like respond to it. but she's like She's like a genius and genuinely one of the most originally funny and like amazing people ever. but like, She does a lot of things That would make her being like a really popular party host difficult Claire's brother would paint me a picture of Claire at a party that was clearer than anyone before had. But before he did that, he needed me to see what I'd been missing in Claire's story The skeleton key to all of those Ls like, she's like never been popular like at all. L she's always been like quite widely disliked because she has a very polarizing set of trades For one. which is a very narrow series of interests And the people who do have those interests are almost never women So like Groups of women like usually hate her because she's constantly violating conformity and like being different in a way that's very unsettling and uncomfortable. And what is she trying to engage them in conversation? When you say she' in For example,, She's really into light social taboo conceptually, which is very funny because she doesn't have very good social skills, but she's very interested in other people's bad So like anything that's a cringe, like she really loves cringe. Oh okay. And so like she has like kind of the sense of humor and the disposition of like a mountain Dew drinking Redditor, like Reddit Bro. But like obviously if you talk to her, like she doesn't give off that em impression ression right away. She's She she looks like a very normal person. Yeah. So like people like see her and they think like, oh, like I know this kind of like woman And then they like talk to her. And if she's like being completely authentic They're like very immediately bothered by her. and she like has never known why. Because just I just wantan to make sure I have a clear picture of this. It's like she looks like a person who like maybe like normal girl. Yeah, wants to talk about how great the office was or something, or like Parks and R. Yeah. Yeah And said not she's reading really off putting Like she wants to spend her time online looking at like weird subcultures that are being everyise and talk about with you. So she was like really into, not into as in being a supporter of, but like really into in terms of like being a lurker. of like Red Pill and inell blogs like years before that was like a thing. Like in twenty thirteen, she was like reading like Red pill blogs. 'ause she's just like, what are these sickos thinking Yeah, yeah, she's really into it to his mind perermanally online cringe merchant is the realest version of his sister, what she actually cares about, what she can actually connect with other people over in a real way. He thinks the solution to all this is clear Claire should stop trying to fit in with normal people. She's not normal. find a scene of weirdos or she can be herself. But what he's seen instead is a person who's taken the wrong lesson from being shunned so much who now just keeps trying harder and harder to fit in, particularly after leaving San Francisco When she moved, she was like, okay, this time is going to be different So now what she does is she like performs the role a lot. In short, I don't think her partarties are well attended because I don't think they're fun I've been to them. I don't think they're fun And the reason why I don't think they're fun is that she's like pretending to be someone who throws like Well led normy parties. Yeah. For the normal person it's a kind of like putting bizarre performance. and to me, it's like a hilariously inadequate performance I put I want to put VR goggles over my eyes right now. I've walked into one of her parties. Yes. What happened So like at these kinds of parties, I feel like I'm going to a movie with my favorite comedic actor. But it's a drama and their performance is bad and boring And so it's like she is performing H her idea of what a mom should be and what a woman in her thirties should be. And it's like it's just very boring Because the thing about it is that she doesn't have that many things to talk about She has a couple of things to talk about endlessly, but those are not appropriate topics usually. So it's like if I meet someone who's a civil engineer designing bridges, I like pretend to care about bridges for twenty minutes and try to learn as much as I can about bridges Yeah. And then her eyes just like glaze over, not because she's mean, but because something in her brain like does not fire properly. Yeah. And she just like can't care So she'll be like, o, how is that? And they'll be, it's pretty good. And she'll be like, okay, like do you work in office? She really hates working in office because she's just like always bullied when she's in office. L herer main way of relating to other people's jobs is like, do you have to be in an office? 'causeuse like So they're like, ye, you know, I have to be in office. And she's like, oh, sorry about that, you know Claire's brother sees his sister as a closeted person who isn't really passing. not in a tragic way, in a slapstick way Its like if Bigfoot put on a suit and tried to ride the subway unnoticed He thinks for Claire to have an actually fun party, she'd have to fill it with the kinds of people who appreciate her as her. inststead of these normies who are not quite falling for her regular person impression I host house parties, which are well attended, by the way. I talk about her all the time, but like all just the freak flag stuff, like all the like anie stuff that she does And like the people who are my friends who like don't know her are all like, this sounds like the coolest, funniest person ever U But she like is so scarred from being bullied for being that person that she just can't do it anymore. So she came to visit me and I literally organized on party fall like Claire Met and Greet to have all my friends come meet her in person. And she was being so boring. And I took her aside and I was like, what are you doing? And she's like, Im just like, I'm getting playite with your friends. And I was like, no, no, no, no. L that's not what they're here for Do your thing, like do whatever you want. L that's what they want And she was like, oh Are you sure? likeike, isn't that going to be like rude? And I was like, No no, no, you're allowed And then five minutes later, she's like doing her like whole song and dance, like people are loving it And this is like why Rather than asking like, why don't people come to her parties? the more interesting thing is like, why do people on the internet like her? This is what I've been thinking about the whole time you've been talking. The story of me knowing her is that no one likes her. and then like suddenly now everyone likes her online Online, but not in person. It's funny, the internet is a party sort of kind of that she'sing in her subseack and she's like, people love it. Top of the leaderboard. People love it Yes I called Claire to tell her everything I'd learned She laughed. She laughed a lot as I listed off everything people had said they thought might be off putting about her. For every negative trait, she had a story, often a funny one, about times when she exhibited it. But when it came to her brother's advice to remove her mask, find rooms where she could do that easily, stop trying to fit in in Normitown She rejected that I think my brother's off base there because I think he's viewing it through his eyes where he thinks who I am is great, but I have to break it to him like most people don't like who I am mostost people find me really insufferable when I am filterless and talk a lot and perform constantly and am very focused on myself. Most people find that very tiring