Building Great Sex Through Intention

Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. Well, that's exactly why we created the shop seex with Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team. and these are products I trust, I recommend to clients, and would tell my friends about, I do tell my friends about what I talk about all the time. Whether you're exploring solo pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner, or you really just want something body safe and beginner friendly, we've organized it so you don't feel overwhelmed. People love the Dame pillow for supported sex, the magic wand waterproof. Oh my god, it's so good. Cray Vesper, massage candles, joe flavored lube, We vibe touch, clitoral vibrators, There's just so many things on there because pleasure shouldn't be confusing feel empowering. You can check it out at shop. sexwithmily. com and find something that supports where you are right now or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. This episode is brought to you by Google Health. Stop chasing someone else's definition of health. What matters is what's healthy for you. Google Health offers a new kind of coach, built with Gemini for effortless tracking, sleep insights, and holistic coaching tailored to you. Visit googlestore. com to learn more and start a new relationship with your health. requires Google acccount, Google Health, app, Internet and Google Health Premium subscript feeatures subject to change, availability and results vary, not intended for medical purposes, W works independently of Gemini apps, check responses for accuracy. I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour And I hope you'll join me and the show is all about you, the audience. every night I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with seecrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you So here's the dates. It's july seventh in Rosemont, Illinois at Zaney's. Then heading to Philadelphia on august fifth, Nashville on september twenty ninth and Austin on october seventh cities to come Hub with your partner, your friend, Fly solo. you'll leave with practical tools Penty of laughs, maybe some surprises, Well definitely some surprises. Visit sexwith Eily d. com slash events for tickets and tour information. I will see you there. canan't wait to meet you Chemistry gets you together, but real skills keep you together. The butterflies eventually settle. You're not gonna to have the butterflies forever, but that is not the end of intimacy. That's actually where the relationship can grow stronger. Why is talking about sex actually harder than having sex? Stress affects desire more than attraction. That life can just crowd out intimacy People say like we're amazing partners, we're terrible lovers. is that great sex is something built. Probably the biggest lesson I had in my thirties Hey everyone, Welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dctor Emily, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex. This show is all about you. It's about you having better sex, expressing your desires, and knowing exactly what you want Also be sure to follow me on all social media. It's seex with Emily everywhere. Subscribe to my YouTube channel for full episodes and my newsletter. You're gonna to love my newsletter. I've been told I give really good newsletter if you know what I mean It's sex withith Eily d. com slash Newsletter. Finally, I'm going on tour. joining me I'll be going all over the United States. And my first stop is in Chicago on july seventh and the show is all about you. I'll be answering your questions live,' playing games, there's giveaways. It's going be such a good time. You can find that at sexwomly. com slash events Al right everyone, Enjoy this episode. Welcome to seex with Emily you guys. What I'm talking about today is what We all should learn about sex in our thirties. and what I learned in my thirties, about sex that changed my life and I hope it'll change yours. So you're out of your twenties and you're like, okay, well, If I'm dating now Either you're dating and you're thinking You know what? I better start mayaybe getting a little bit more serious if I want to have a baby or want have a family. Maybe you've matured a little bit where the people you're picking, maybe you've made a lot of the mistakes, you dated the toxic people, you dated your mother, you dated your father, and you're like, okay, I don't wantan to repeat that pattern anymore. I actually want to find someone that I click with, maybe they could be my life partner At the same time, you're working really hard, you're getting into your career You've had some movement, you maybe moved out of the house, you're started making real money And we all know what happens then or maybe if you're not in your thirties yet, that's when you start Reizing like I got toa be an adult. I got toa pay my bills. I gott to figure out my future But there's a few other things that that could happen here though, you're a little bit different placeac than you were in your twenties That's what I realize. Now my first lessons was that This I was in a relationship. I was a serereial monogamist and I was dating people for two years and then I would end it and then two years and then I would end it because I thought They if we great chemistry and that chemistry went away. Anyone else' ever room with someone and it was the best sex ever the first year, year and a half. And then we're like, why aren't we having sex anymore This is really this is Maybe this isn't my person But now I know and hopefully you know that That doesn't mean the relationship has to be over It can actually be a great starting point for like now we're no longer in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, but now we're going to work on like the deeper stuff and learn how to communicate But I know for me at the time, I was like, no, it was amazing. and now it's hard, so I should probably move on But if I look back, the lesson I learned was that you can have attraction, you can have chemistry, but the real relationship takes work Another thing I learned is that you have to communicate, communication It doesn't have to be awkward. It can actually be sexy. Now, I remember there was a very challenging sexual situation with a guy I was dating for like two years in my thirties And mostly it was about performance anxiety. He experienced performance anxiety and that impacted his ability to stay hard during sex. Now to be honest, like a lot of women I talk to was I was like, okay, we can work on that together And I started buying him books and we could talk about it and I tried to talk about it, but it was awkward and then I felt that he didn't want to talk about it I made assumptions And then I was like buying them in books and sending them articles But I was sort of separate. I was like, this is your problem. You should probably go fix it. And I didn't realize like I could say, you know what You're having these struggles with your penis. I'm actually having struggles with my vagina. I'm not having orgasms. Why don't we like clean slate come together notot literally, but maybe and figure out how we could bake this better for both of us. But I just thought Our sex have changed. If we have to communicate about it This is really awkward It probably means there's a problem in the relationship So hopefully you learn Communication is awkward But it's also sexy Because the more you talk about it the better sex you're going to have, which is why I we say communication is a lubrication I think that's when I originated that Gotta talk about sex, it's going to make it hotter P of communication actually creates better intimacy, which creates better sex. That's really what it's about. The other thing I learned is that I could be really attracted to my partner, but if I was stressed out or had anxiety I couldn't be aroused at all I didn't realize that my stress and anxiety impacts a relationship. and at the same time My partner was building a business. I was dating someone who was building a business and he was really stressed out. So we'd both be working all day and really worried about work and then wed get home and thinking we have to have sex when we were both still on our laptops and that it felt L it was another thing to do and that I felt like Well I just don't, you know, I thought there was other things wrong, but really I was just stressed Now imagine this, Who had a baby in their thirties Lots of people have baby in their thirties and like, get this. You've spent the last few years trying to get pregnant. You were timing ovulation, you were your sex be became about getting pregnant, which becomes a whole different way couples oriented and orient around it And then your partner's pregant, you got pregnant and then she's pregnant for nine months and then the sex is a little bit off then. and then she has a baby And maybe you were told Doctor says after six weeks, she's gonna be tip top shape want to have sex again? Here's a secret And the majority of women there nowhere near ready after six months They may want some intimate touch like a foot massage or a head massage or Some more help around the house. that might help them get more in the mood But just straightforward sex When they've had a baby hanging off their body all day long necessarily ready for sex plus. Hormones change, especially for women if they had a baby. so These are just other layers of things that can happen to a lot of people in their thirties. Talk about stress, having a baby, changing your lifestyle, not being free anymore, learning how to be parents. That's gonna impact your desire. Those are some things. The next thing is I learned that boring sex Does' itt mean a boring relationship. Now that was a huge breakthrough for me. I mean, of course, we're going to be routine. That's inevitable. You're going to like, Makeout, roll overver, have oral sex. Yeah in whatever you do, and then it's over and then you like watch TV That became so predictable and so boring. And I didn't know to stay curious. I didn't even know there were other options then. I didn't know you could make it interesting. That's why so many compplos are like Can we get the spark back We've become roommates. We're best friends. We keep having the same sex over and over and over again. This is what I hear all the time This is what's happening in your thirties. get it. But this is also where we need to say, how can we get curious about this? Our sex life is so important, we still have that chemistry But we've all these layers around it stress, responsibility, jobs, kids But this is how we can say I pledgeed to you, we pledge to each other that we're going through a rough patch here with our sex life. But let's find ways we can prioritize it together by Having date night as a non negotiable by talking about our sex in a really honest, open way withithout blame each other and without shaming This is a big step for your thirties Before we get back to the episode, let's have a little real talk about something we usually keep behind closed doors, and that is leaking. Whether it's during a workout, a good laugh, or even during sex, it's incredibly common, especially having kids. But listen to me, it is not something you have to just live with. Your pelvic floor is the foundation of your core, your bladder control, and your sexual function And just like any other muscle, there are ways to strengthen it, like making sure you do your Kagle exercises. I've been using the MceLa chair by BTL for years. Literally just sit on the chair fully clothed for twenty seven minutes and it's equivalent of doing twelve thousand Kaglles. It's crazy. And seriously, such an easy way to strengthen your pelvic floor. feel sured supported in control and way more confident in your body But we know pleasure isn't just physical, it's mental too. So that's why I'm also loving BTL's ExomMind. It's an FDA cleared non invasive therapy that uses transcranial magnetic stimulation or TMS, which has been around for years, but they've innovated on it. It sends targeted magnetic pulses to enhance neuroplasticity and mental wellness. These sessions take about twenty to thirty minutes and help with mood, clarity, and emotional balance. so you just feel more regulated. So when you support your body with Icella and your mind with EomMind, you're really setting yourself up for success. Listen, you deserve to feel present in your pleasure. and you're gonna love how you feel with these treatments. I know I do. To learn more about these super innovative treatments, head over to bodybybtl dot com d or just click the link in the show notes There's nothing it happens. desire Changes Like, I thought that either people wanted sex or they didn't want sex. Then I learned about responsive desire You don't want it spontaneously anymore. You don't want it when your partner walks to the room, not both people in a relationship. And I'm not saying it's a gender thing. Sometimes women still want it and the guy's like, I'm not so sure and flip, no matter what gender you're with, usually there's one person who is a little bit more spontaneous A hell of a lot of other people are responsive. I'm going respond to how connected I feel to. I'm responded to that great date night we had. I'm going respond to that sexy conversation we had, and that made me want to have sex. But just waiting for desire to hit you over the head, it changes at this time Imagine a couple who's been together for five years. One partner worries because the other never initiates sex anymore. Thatesss where they start feeling They're not initiating sex anymore They must not be attracted to me anymore What did I do? Do I need to like lose weight or do like some other special move in the bedroom? It must be about me And then so then they blame themselves. so they stop initiating, right? And they're waiting for their partner initiate, But their partner would probably initiate if they knew How to wit shape but they just don't, so it becomes into a whole thing But then they realizeed too that every time they do start kissing or cuddling or take a shower together They're a little bit more into it They just had to like get out there and start doing something again The problem wasn't attraction, was that the desire wasn't showing up before they connected. The desire wasn't showing up when one person got home from work. The desire wasn't just showing up on a Saturday morning It showed up because of connection, because they took a shower together, because they started kissing. That's more the responsive desire. That's everyone's responsibility to be like, Oh, let me get curious. What would make us feel attracted to each other? Like what could we do because We're going to have to figure it out because we still want to be together. We're still really attracting each other, but how we were having sex change This is where a lot of people fall down in their thirties and really in every decade, months go by, years go by And they just assume it's their partner's fault It's their fault. It's a million dollar thing. It is rather than just saying nipping it and saying nipping into the butt and saying, I've noticed our sex life has changed right now Let's get really focused and clear and commit to each other. We're going to prioritize it. Next thing I learned My body wasn't the enemy So Listen, you guys. This is for me. I think everyone realizes this. like I'm working really hard. I'm running a business I don't have as much time for working out I feel like I've gained weight over the last few years. I hear from other women they get on antidepressant, or they're on the birth control pill. A lot of you say you can't remember the last time you wanted sex. and maybe she's thinking Maybe I lost my sex drive But she what you really need in your thirties when you're like, did I lose my sex drive? Why is my body changed is is You don't need to be twenty five again You might just need more sleep. Less stress a little bit more compassion for body that you're living in right now, the experience you're having right now. We change in every decade. So rather than wishing we could get back to it, couples always say to me I wish we could just sk get back to how it was in the beginning. Guess what You're never going back. In fact, no couple has ever gone back to how it was in the beginning We can't recreate that That's what got you together and it was amazing and we love that time and we should just have a moment of of appreciation for it and maybe even a moment of silence as we let it go from our fantasy life because you can't create the newness and the spontaneity and the excitement that came from never Having met this person before, never seen them naked before. The first time you went on vacation together, the first time you saw each other naked, that's gone But you know what lives a relationship where you take that chemistry and that attraction and that and that safety And from there, that's the soil that you have to build a beautiful connected sex life. L that's where the magic happens. I'm going to start asking like What do I want? What does my partner want? I hear this all the time like from women who were like, no one ever asked me what I wanted. And then I never asked myself And then a lot of times her partners assumed that she liked the same thing that was happening But she didn't because her body changed, her desire changed And his might have too But he only had that same routine from the beginning So this is where we stop performing and we choose pleasure at all costs. What do we have to do now given this age and this body and this time of life too say, we're going to choose pleasure and intimacy, however that looks. Maybe we take sex off the table So this is like what do I actually want In this life, in this decade, that changes everything Another thing was that life can just crowd out intimacy People say like, we're amazing partners, we're terrible lovers. Because life becomes logistics Who's picking up the kids? who's paying the bill? Wh's making dinner? like you become business partners. You have to intentionally become lovers again. I feel like People and then like they get into conflict sometimes and they don't know how to repair these conflicts. People think, Oh, we're so healthy. we never fight. We're just like co existing in our life. I think about the couples who've been together for like four years They have their first really big fight Nobody cheats, noobody lies. They're just hurt. then one of them says He were just not compatible But instead of breaking up actually talk it through. They apologize. they understand each other better Afterwards They feel closer than they did before the fight. And that's when they realize Conflict didn't weaken the relationship, it deepened it. And just because life messy and hard and we start having conflicts, we can actually talk it through That's the healthier expression Biggest lesson is that great sex is something you build Probably the biggest lesson I had in my thirties Like I just thought, oh, my twenties like it'll happen if you find the right person But in my thirties, it's like I thought, it happens because we keep showing up for each other Because we keep getting curious, we keep talking, we keep learning, we choose intimacy over and over again. Think about two separate couples One has incredible chemistry canan't keep their hands off each other. They assume it'll always be that way They never talk about sex, they never try anything new, they never tuck in And then five years later barely connecting. other couplees. Has good chemistry Fireworks But they keep talking They laugh, they experiment They ask each other like what's changed? What can we do Ten years later, they have an even better sex than they had in the beginning The difference wasn't chemistry, it was the intention. It was the intention and the container they set was like We're going to be each other's lives forever We' We're going find ways to be intentional about our sex life You know The couplplees having great sex years later, they're not just lucky They weren't just born with great genetics They're the curious ones who kept talking about their relationship Thanks Megan. She says, I'm doing great. My videos have helped you tremendously. How would I approach a woman who has never worked on this aspect of her life. And then this, she says, possibly a situation Possibly a situation where they overvalue their vagina when where they think since they have one, they already know everything Yeah, That's interesting. He's a guy. This is a question that just came in. when I sleep with women, I find they haven't ever invested in any sex education for themselves whatsoever and they feel like there's nothing left to learn. I got you I understand that now So this is a huge, huge thing I find this to be true. I don't know if you're sleeping with women in their twenties or thirties or forties, but I got to be honest, I know that I'm breaking these down into decades because last week was the of the twenties, which you'll find that episode But I have to tell you I find people in every decade learning these lessons. I find people in their fifties to your point. never know their own body. They haven't invested in sexual education for themselves. And as a sex educator and a sexologist I'm giving you, I'm trying to help you educate yourself because to your point, I think for a lot of women and men, but for women, it could be They grew up in an environment culture where they thought sex education And by that, I mean learning about their own bodies, what make them feel good. How to feel pleasure was Fowned upon Maybe they were told not to touch themselves that masturbation was wrong out of marriage and having sex out of marriage or out of wedlock or out of a committed relationship was something that they weren't allowed to do And along with that came, well, you can't masturbate, you can't touch yourself So to your point You might be with a woman who didn't investigate in her own sex education, i. e, masturbation, touching herself because she actually didn't know about it think it was It was okay and that her partners that sex was more about a partnnerered experience. But the truth is she can't show up having sex if she didn't figure herself out first. Now, you could say to her, the women who feel like they don't know their bodies, I'd love to explore together. Let's figure out what feels good to both of us because It's really common that women and men haven't done this work. I love the idea of like co sex education together, sexiest thing in the world So rather than saying like why didn't she learn And you're in a relationship with her, say like Let's figure out your body together. Tonight, we're just gonna to figure out your body. We're gonna like touch you. We're gonna figure out what feels good to you, Let's do it together. And then tomorrow, we can figure out my body. So it becomes a collaboration that you're both experiencing. Highly recommend that No matter what age you're at in your life, twenties, thirties, forties These are lessons we need to be learning and sometimes relearning Learning for the first time are constantly relearning that relationships aren't about perfection, they're not about hot sex all the time. they're about repair and curiosity. How do I prepare this conflict? How do I get curious about my partner and what they like? What do I actually like? So it's a Really Vibrant It's a really full decade that you get to say, I'm on a sexual journey either with myself or my partner, but I know there's a lot left to learn and I'm only getting started. Thank you everyone for joining me at here at Sex withith Emily. You can find me on all platforms, seex withith Emily. You can follow me on tour. I'm going on tour. I'm going to be in Chicago on july seventh at Zaniess just goo to sexwithmily dot com slash events. If you are listening thispisode, know that you can watch the whole episode on YouTube that I recorded during a live with my YouTube audience And Follow me everywhere. That's what I got. I love you all. stay curious. Thanks for showing up Have a great night.