The Maxillofacial Surgery Nail Tooth Story

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We're actually just laughing, recalling stories that we've just told we've just talked about. Yes. The guest this week is we've done it again. We've got one of the old comedy mates. all Chris' friends. It's the. Honestly, this is just like a reunion for me sometimes. It's comedian Reese James who we used to write together back in the day He's now team captain on Mot the Week And he's just a funny guy. Fny Bonone. Just incredibly funny He's going on to assume these's to at chop logic reach James. co dot UK you can get your tickets there. It's R HYS James. So more like R. Yeah, so the thing is, right what you've got to know about about an RHYS James is when they meet other RHYS James, they get incredibly excited O do they? We have another RE on our team on our social team. So when they came in, they were all over each other like a fucking cheeps suit And my tour manager is called R L like that as well. whenever he meets one on the road, It's unbelievable.cause what's you that R WCE? Oh, there's all kinds, but R HYS is the most, I think it's it's the most Welsh one so they get very excited. Oh nice okay. well they get very very excited. But he's very funny, I'd agree chat. I can't even track of what we're talk about but it a whirlwind and it was fantastic. I hope you all enjoy it. Please rate and like and subscribe, subscribe on YouTube if you can. That'll be really lovely if you're watching this and enjoy Fine about the jingle jink This is the g. g Baba doo baba doo, bab doo bab J Mate, I haven't seen you for so long. It's so nice to have you here. It must be ade It's got to be. I've probably seen newses but' been regularly. there was a period where I was seeing you very regularly. Yes. Yeah. What was it? because I can't remember. when I had like TV shows and different things used to raate with us on all of those things. And How long ago it is to be In the era of my life, I call the Chris Ramseay Ppe the pilots were uni pilots. There were a few pilots. What're doing again Chris? Yeah, we're another one of those pilots are yours. better writers, maybe you'll get one on the a You were brilliant. always, Well, that's the thing I was saying what's really hilarious is I'm doing what the week in a few weeks. Yes. And Rese used to be one of the go tos I would go to about I'm doing what the week what we werere going to write is now T team Ctain on M the week I'll write for you if you. No I'll say the morning of my stuff. C the morning. You actually said he's not gonna to be able to write for us. He' get well funn to ask it. would have been funny to ask.'t. Yeah are you available for? actuallyually, I start R. He's a half hour free as well. That'll be good. Yeahah. Well, he's just riffing, he doesn't, you know, He's free the day before, isn't he Are you enjoying it? It's great. Yeah, of course. Well it's what it's, you know, it's like anything. I don't know if you have this attitude to life, but I have this attitude to life which is like You want to be asked to do things. you don't want to have to do them. Oh my God. There's nothing worse than going to work, ultimately, regardless of what your job is I'm exactly the same I get full on formo through my phone. Yeah. And then I'm like, I've been to that thing and I hated it. Yeah, yeah you just go Yeahah, obviously when you're actually doing it, I think it's all just nerves that make me go. It's like it's the build up to the recording on the day where I'm just like, oh my god I'm going to phone in a bomb threat to the studio so we don't have to do this. I'm pulling the fire alarm. whileile Dara is doing the warm upp about to say my name. I'm like, I'm going to do something here.. But then obviously once you're there and doing it, it's like, this is great. And we record on Tuesdays and I would say The last series we did for every Wednesday, I would swan around like, I've got the best job in the world my life is amazing. Wow. But the Monday and Tuesday, I would be like, I would give anything to work in recruitment right now. I hate this so much, but it's just that's how being terrified manifs. The anxety of it. see if you find a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life. They are wrong. becausecause everything's relative. Yeah. everythingthing's relative.. We are human beings. We are awful, we're fallible. We can get sick of anything Of course,'s why the concept of heaven is such bollocks because There's nothing that we wouldn't any change. organan yeah. Yeah. Do what I mean? L know what I'm saying? You don't believe that, do Do you believe I'm looking at Rosy here? What? What are belie? don't I' telling I I just think we could get I don't think I've gone really deep here, but I don't think there could possibly be a concept of heaven that that everyone could be, But even anyone would be like, this is perfect. Well not if it's staying the same the whole time. Yeah, you would have to change. After a while inaven, you're like pop some flames in here, mate, M's. Rrod me on with a pitch for. L there guys.. nice ye. Yeah, yeah yeah I don't know what. We talked about religion when Daniel's Loss was on. It got a bit deeped in it, but like, who knows? Are you religious? No. Well Is Daniel's Loss religious? religious? No No, it's not. No, he's not at all. He's not over. I don't think no is he Is he big atheist? is that? is Yeah yeahes. But anything says in the accent sounds religious oddly. Yeah, ye He's the first atheist priest. Every sounds like a pray. Yeahes, weird. No, I didn't mean this got startark going on about heaven and hell, but it is that thing of like, yeah, even like love our job. love, love what we do, but it's any you get like You would rather do fuck all. Of course. I just believe everyone would rather And if I was doing fuck all, I would be like but you'd doing a work,ike am I get I think I talkght about on the podc here as well. I get for four more. I' in the house I want to be out. If I'm out I want to be in the house. Yeah. know, I'mking I want to be off. If I'm not tour I wantan to be on tour Wh while I'm on tour, I want to be at home Exactly Some Saturays when I'm tour,'ll video I'll faceime you and you'll be at home with the kids I'll be like, Ohh my Godd, I want to be home with the kids but I know How horrible size is I. It's not a good deal. They're awful. I used to work in an office like as a seecretary for a It was like a u Choose a job you love, you'll never forget. They supplied the ink for the printers, the big massive printers in office. All right, this is the one we drive past it on the year one. E s in the Mal celler and you go ice to work. I it there.. But there is days when my life was just so simple and I would sit there And I sometimes crave and I think, o God, I miss that job. But then also bullsitless. Yeah. I think the one thing is that I look forward to inexplicably In my diaries when it's like, write, busy week and then that's an empty day where you can actually just sit and write And it's like there's not a gig in the evening you've got to worry about whereere you're like energy' going to shift I can just sit and I can focus and I can wr, stand up. And then as soon as that day comes around, I go I can't sit here and my God Oh my Godd, this is awful. Right' of the worst wor in the world. I h it regular standup I hate's so much. It's impossible. Yeah. at my two I've I've just done one leg of it. I'm doing the second leg in the autumn I was so lucky because we'd I'd had four years off standup. I hadn't done any since since since sort of named to at twenty twenty And then it didn't go because Yeahah, yeah, yeah's the only time I one year. Yeah you name like just call it the twenty twenty two I'm doing it in twenty twenty never again, right So I'll never name one after the year ever again. After that one, when it finally went out I had four years off and obviously I don't write stuff, but I write little thoughts and ideas down for the podcast. and then every other little thought and idea that wouldn't go in the podcast went into into this other folder Six previews in the two hour done because it was four years so I've got these stories. I've told them friends and family, but I haven' told them one thing. sitting down there's something really odd about sitting down with a bit of paper and a pener or sitting on your laptop and going I need to be funny now. Also it's when it it's when it's like I need to write with no restrictions or like When you can write about anything. Yeah and you go, well what though? You sort al someone to go, wrrite a show about this subject. Yeah do that. If you give me a subject I have to write about it's like when you do the stuff they send, you're not this Rsy. When you do I'm dread and doing it again, right? You get sent It's like like what Sarah Pascoal says, it's like your GCE. Yeah. you get sent a pack. and it's every fucking news headline and every top line and every quip and every and then the Prime Minister said this and then there's And hang on no, when will you get that? because it's got to be quite current, doesn't it?ut up have It's just basically It' really said that. Day before D before Rosy. Imagine what that day feels like When you're going. Right, I've got three hours of material now. Yeah you say do that the day before? I mean I'm gonna have some stuff When Not writers just people getting your lunches Yeah cleaning in the house. what I used to do and what I still will do and what loords of comedians do for the show is you go, right, I've got a couple of people who I write with who do stuff with us There's a newspack, send us what you've got. anotherother person, there's a newspack, send us what you've got they'llnd us what they've got. I'll go through, I'll sort of cull it and pick and add to it and then I'll add my stuff to it and that'll be your. But you're going with a pile of stuff you say ten percent of it? Oh yeah. you just need to have it there It's just it's like reision, basically. You just need to know It's also like some of it is just being so familiar with so because you don't know what any else is going to say. So just being familiar with the news story enough that you can kind of like when they go down that route of the news story, you can you know about. Although I've this last series there was quite a few times when I was like, what and it was quite fun to go I've not read this bit of what you want about? Yeah ye And then have someone have to explain this like ridiculous thing that happened and then you just react in real time It's like. sorry, that's mental like Donald Trump said what? Yeah, ye. And it is quite fun to just do that and see it for what it is What you realize after a while is that kind of is what the audience are doing. That sometimes you're doing it on mock and you've like written all these jokes, but they kind of assume a lot of knowledge from the audience. But these are people who are just like at work and then have come to this after work and are busy and they've not spent. They've not had that time reading. that f. They send that to the audience Yes. When you walk in, they've also gotten that. Oh what stressful deal. We already had thatoke, actually. We all thought of that Genuinely is this do they still do the go to the mike thing? Yeah. Oh ye yeah yeah. What's that call again? Scenes we'd like to see scenes we'd like to see Yeah, yeah are likely lines from a baster and stuff like that. You're gonna have to be careful. I'm honestly just since Have you grown up? When was the last time you did this show? It was an actual job It was in my twenties. Right. justust be careful. J just just remember the cameras are always on. Yeah. It mike's always on. Yeah. Just be careful what you sayive. Yeah. but lot of p comes a p. If he fucks it up, it's There's a lot of pressure for me now because I'll get shit off everyone else and then I' get even more shit off her when I get to home So you can to be careful. Right And if you get fully cancelled then This podcast has to become like a right wing podcast. And also she just gets a lasin and the talk about periods. Yeah, fine. There's two options. quite. You got two options. for yourself. Either you get your words alassin and you talk about periods or you put a union jack behind you. Those are the only two options aren't they? For if you get cancellered in We put a union jack and then we should releases some kind of protein drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I never ever look at the notes that we get for guest, right? because obviously I'm like o Oh my God I know we.,'ve knowned for years. But this is why I think you'll be sh on Mark thek. I know I will. I was good to any pro.'s back in the day. I know Hardly any of these things about you which is freaking us out. You've got a fear of cracking your head open. Well, that Wh is that on my? I don't think that's necessarily like a phobia. R who's walking around going like, if I crack my head open, I crack my head open Wh gives the shit This is what I don't understand about phhobia is like should all be irrational. when it's like what you scared of drowning' like,'s givenn't? Yeah yeah' scared cra mad or. Exactly. No it's not that. I think I've said in the past that there used to be when I was a kid, there was such a climber around kids cracking their head open. right that had every party I was a kid. even if there was aid What crackking your open? head open. All butZ Bruce not just like Yeah, you're bleeding from the. I mean that's wor. Hello. Yeah. But have you ever probably ever had a head injury I injuries, but cracking your head openub. It's just as I read it, as I read, he has a fear of cracking his head openub. I don't have a fear of cracking open. Don't make me. no we don't. you said I'll do it right. I'll do it right now. this drug wasn't here. I insisted on this rug being here just in case. No. it was every party I went to when I was a kid, someone cracked the head open. Yes, and it doesn't happen anymore Yeah it doesn't happen at like, my brother's got kids and no one cracks their head open at those parties ever Right? And it's like we're pairing just battered at these parties, not paying attention. The kids running around and then just falling over. My brother cracked my head open When I was a kid. Yeah, so he was two, I was five. My dad, I've talked about this before, my dad was fixing a door handle and hadn't bothered to put it back on because he's a lazy bastard. And soil my little brother picked up the metal door handle and cracked it off the back of my head I had to go to hospital. And actually I thought it was going to be an accident I he he just didt. O intentionally cruin Yeah ye. Oh my Godd. That's crazy. I'm talking justort like slipping over while charging around like a party somewhere in a pub when it would be in like a pub or a TGI Fridays or something like that. And the kids are all going crazy, parents are now just had too many pints aren't looking. But I also the thing I find mad is that when I'm at these parties for children, the parents are still doing that. It's in a pub and they're still not really looking at kids. They're just like all chatting and the kids are going nuts.. So what's happened to kids that Have skull have we evolved? H we evolved Wer skulls? The kids fall over, but it just doesn't crack open. Has everything become safer? Yeah, like floor Do you think co or Do you one has rounded bring back Brit Bring back sharp Bring back sharp corners. That's what's wrong with this liily liver generation. Horizon a nationalist. Tombs pubs have gone work. That's what you're saying to. Although although I ye, you know this. I was I was at a party with our youngest when he was about. He must have been three or four And the bounty castle It was a bounty castle right? It was a church hall. was a bounty castle. I'm notiddking the bounty castle was probably two thirds the size of the church hall. Yeah. It was a bounty castle in a room and everyone else was just around the castle No word of a lie, there was forty kids on the castle, probably more. And he was like, I want to go in the bountncy castle And I saw two kids running each other and both their fucking teeth came out. likeike they just smashed their teeth. Like a really aggressive teenage kid Oh my God ye you know if you have a clad teeth for someone like back in the day like bomp sccreaming two kids screaming blood everywhere and I literally went to them I will take you to the toy shop and buy you whatever you want if you leave this party right now. What'sorry the tone with which you said that was like you were a spy. We have to get out right now. I will do this I will kill you if you don't walk. I doing that I it C you stop telling us? I sties It was years ago that one. That's amazing. the actual teeth came out teeth out, one cracked, one just out, both kids screaming blood all over their face. It' like a horr film astle actually. I find that reassuring happens in theorth meate. That's it. The south the pub's in the south. I went to a party once, it was Lus Andanders' birthday and it was in the upstairs room of a pub. ninety percent of the room was a Bounty castle inflatable thing that had a surfboard on it that you had to like stay on Amazing. But it was like There's like two hundred people invited to this upstairs of a pub and most of them are downstairs in the pub because you can't get into the room because of the fucking inflated surfboard machine It was just the most inappropriate place for it to be. And also no one on it, like maybe every fifty minutes someone goes on and it's l again. . Well, lose a rollerblader. She's got little in it. Yeah. I love that so much. I love it Also, just going back to your notes. I love your notes like. These are really good. I don't know why you've said these things. Yeah You got You had a kidney removed at ten. Yeah, just a bit Just a bit. the whole thing. Why I just fancied it, you know, I didn't have anything interesting about me, thought getet it out. Get it out I wanted to be able to go to the toilet whenever I wanted at school and to have a little water bottle on my table. Those are the only luxuries afforded to the single kidney. people. It died, it shriveveled up and died. Stop It was causing me some issues, i. e. pissing blood sometimes Cheers And u It is just got brraaces, goodn't it I get got those as well, thank you. just have a lazy eye like a ro. That's wild. Wow. Yeah. bless you. ten more. Oh, we've got ten year old that's horrible.'s terrify.' be looking out for the b Nosebleeds Dude Huge at the minute Do you know.' huge b. Huge at the minute. do you have a ten year old? huge at the minute I don't want a part fing as, but you look like you were you were was bigig time. Absolutely. off course, bigig time I heard all the tricks. It was like the sort of old wives tales of what fixes an ooseb stops an oosebleleed. It a wet flannel on the back. I What are you talking about It's like when mums are like conquers on the stairs gets rid of spiders. these two things are not anywhere conected. The blood's coming out my nose. Maybe flat along the nose? Rub a bit rub a bit of meat on a wat, bury in the garden as the meat It rots away, the w disappears. Oh my Godd, is that real? You never heard that one? I never ever heard that one. Shut up man, really? Speaking as a woman with a current Veruga I could have known about it. How n is that? You said that. The way you said that was like we should like be doing like a drive for you, like a charity gig, speaking as a woman with a current Vveruka. My my Godd ye Yeah, I've got who hasn't got forkos. I've got.os. have you? Why not? I mean, it makes more sense for you to have becausecause you're presumably at swimming pools with children. Yeah Your chffee of Christ you haven't been a swimpool for years. No, but the kids Robin sometimes has V doesnt you can just catch them from being aroundound the house Yeah Yeah, like genuinely St not su sucks because Aline you you're auagian guy, aren't you? you Do you know what it is? I put it fast and loose with it Th these days You are reallyCD about it back in the day. It used to be when I't have p I it possible. I fast and loose with that. possible. have a mat next to your bed that you'd scrape your feet on before you got into bed. Is this correct? Yes, that was at the end of my fringe. Yeah yeah. Yes. That's because the you know this It feel like he's so obsessed with not any dirt on your feet being in the bed. Yeah. So that's because right. So at Edinburgh fringe, I'm sure we spoke about this roos. I don't know about the f of mat. I don't know I' about Do a favor. Do do a favor, R Ris is here. When I tell you about it Sexually control yourself.. Ia guess. Don't do that. When I say tell, I'd love to see. When I tell you, please don't throw yourself at us because you know Oh gosh. We floor sign so I would have Edinburgh, would go to Edingh everyvery comedian you' go to Edinburgh Fre for the summer. and some of the houses were, you know, sort of terraced, big old, you'd love them, sort of old Edwardian Victorian Edinburgh houses with floor, wooden floors Yeah And you would walk around barefooted for the day and by the end of the day you'd just have a look at the bottom of your foot and it fucking scruffy You like your fucking chimney sweep So I would have by the side of my bed, whatever would have towels, I'd have a hand towel on the floor And I would just use it like a doorm mat. I would wipe my feet like a little dog. You know when a dog's having a shit and it like scrapes it. Wh Oh wash your feet BeCause then I'd have to walk back. I think they've solved this. I think inventors have solved this issue. It's called socks. Yeah. socks. When you said the phrase and you'd walk around bare forot all day, I was like, well, I'll stop you there. Yeah. Yeah. No, you wouldn't Who's doing that in Scotland? Scotland Walking around bed all day on a wooden floor in a student house in Scotland. Yeah Yeah, o. Yeah. So yes, yes. did I used to have my little mat at the side of the bed and I would wipe but, yeah, yeah. And I remember I thinkking Jimmy MGee saw a comedian friend of mine, Jimmy Mcee saw that and to told everyone No, I don't think I heard it on the rumor mill. I think you told me. I think you expected it. I might have beenragging about it. Yeah yeah, yeah I think you what was most likely happening is you were slagging off our mutual friend for being un hygienic about something possibly to do with his foot or something that led to you being like Mate, when I'm in this situ, I do this Right and then we roll like. You've come out of this more mad than whatever weird honazing topic is tackle quite a lot in my life. I kind of don't mind it though. I'd rather you were clean than spread it the other way around. Yeah. I did once catch Kabies from an ex boyfriend's house. so Czy How do you know I forgot for sure that it was from his house? yeah It was a student house. Yeah That's rough made it mind called Scaabies off a sofa in a student house. Yeah. It might be not off a sofa. Is it like do so how do you get Scaabies? Just I'ming I Sorry, I'm starting to think Escaaby' not like the lurgy. Escaaby's a real one. Oh we made that up Yeah. What is? No, you're thinking skinch cheies skin skin cheese is. It's tapp on the window there. Skin cheese is when you don't want to be on. So skin? So youve got skin cheese? That so you can't get skabies. You' never heard of skin like skin cheese. you normn those you weird. Yeah, what do you call knockd down ginger? and fucking knnock a door run Do know if I found out my last, I had a full tour we' all over the place. Yeah, I had a full tour, and I had a massive routine about knock the door running ginger, whatever you call it last date after I'd recorded it for a special and everything The last day it was in Belfast, Do you know what they call it in Belfast? No idea I'm not actually I'm not going to guess anything about Belfast. I will not fall into this trap. I' not going I'm not going to make any assumptions about Belfast. You've said it Belfast No wayit, no, it's what call same. They've absolutely had you on there. you've fallen for it. All of that crowd are still laughing at the fact they tricked you into the' called Belfast. As if. I'm telling you As if I'm telling you Belfast. Belfast I swear go full full cowd like ye Yeah, I was like, you call it B That is if that's true that is't. I was like this is the fucking last night of my tour and I've just orered it and I've say Oh the bell f. I've done it the raw variety. Yeah. It would' have been perfect. This would have been perfect. This was unbelievable But yeah, so scabies. Right. So shingies like a rash. Sabies like r Its like rash. Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. Scabbies is a rash. What's shingles? Shles is? Shingles is adult Chicken pox make it really poorly. Yeah. Do't get them through stress, can't you? Yeah, I think so. We get Sabies just off students on sofas Um spepecifically. C can't remember having sex on this over, if I'm honest, I think I just sat on it Yeah. Bes. I hate to come on your podcast and call you' frigid, but I will. If I have to, I will I'll go on every podcast around the country and call the host Fid if I have to Mate, I'll make that my mission. This is what I want to do from now on. I want to like have an annual I don't have kids, right? So I actually have more time than I give myself credit for I now need an annual project, right? That should. And if it's like learn a language or something like that, but actually it's going be tick off as many podcastss that you could call friidgid on my podcasts as possible and see if anyone notices that you've been doing this every. I've quite enjoy it because I was anything but so it's actuallyutation will change.ere it is.ost months then Oh Jesus Is that more serious. That's more Yeah. donon't we have vaccinations for mumps Masles mumps Measles, Mumps, Anbella. Yeah. That's the glass one. whereere you That's's measles. If you've got measles, you rub a glass over it. I've never had mump Have you ever had foot mouth? H foot andouth. She's not sorry that's our sexual fever. If you've not to at all? Oh my go. It's not all. It's not toler, Yeahah. Jesus, I haven't, but I'll try it If it's available, yeah Who said there wasn't a fee for this show. Wow You really treat your guests better than off menu really to you. I will not be called Frigid. I I will suck him out off in the toilets just to prove I am nothing Anthing like a frrigidess Baboo babaoo,aboo Eczema is unpredictable, but you can flare less with ElS, a once monthly treatment for moderate se severe eczema After an initial four month or longer dosing phase, about four inant people taking EBLS achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at sixteen weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year, with monthly dosing. EBlS Lap LBK a two hundred fifty milligram per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children twelve years of age and older who weigh at least eighty eight pounds or forty kilogams with moderate to severe eczema. Also called a topic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin, or topicals, or who cannot use topical therapies. EBGLS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EBGlS. 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Law Supplies last ends june thirtieth turns at aka dot mS slash college PC With ShareM My trip from Uber, you can send your live trip location to the ones who matter most. Like Dan and Hannah, who always waade up to make sure their daughter gets back to her college dorm room Or Tiffany who's running late as usual, and her friends are tracking her trip to make sure she's actually on her way. Look, she's right there. She's three minutes away. Or Sam who never goes anywhere without her roommate knowing exactly where she is. Some journeys are meant to be shared Share your ride in real T time with shhare my trip on Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app I did once do a corporate gig where my was in the in Proud's embankment. And Proud embankmment we're hosting the you don't know what that is.mbankmment is this big sort of glamorous cabaret club. I don't think it's there anymore. Is it in London? Yeah, yeah yeah and it's It was Proud in Bankment, which is like, I think it's a big gay Cabaret bar base. Okay. And it was suppost to actually young pension awards Try and make sense of that. Because I certainly didn't have anything about pens pensions, please. Yeahah. I don't know what that meant. These young people who work in pensions. I should know this by now given the gig was ten years ago. I still haven't done the research. But my dressing room was just like kind of this windowless tiny box room and u Yeah and that was it and it was like not one of those corpores where they put you up in a fancy hotel or anything like just go in there for five hours and just wait. But when we did it, we did the rehearsal. For some reason, Arge from the only wayay as Esx was in the venue because he was playing the venue in like a month. Singing. He was like singing, doing a sound chck. Yeah. And then he just went and sat in my dressing room with like his entourage, but he wasn't even playing that night. He was just like, and he wouldn't get out And so I had to get like stuff from the vengeue to be like, Can you leave? because this is I'd like ask us and they were just like now, we' just going be for it. and I was like I can't believe I'm buied ar.'s the way says this. It is pathet So anyway eventually he leaves but this sort of starts the day off on quite a bad note So then he leaves and then I'mat in theress room and normally we thought I would just chill out in whatever they've got in the fancy hotel and just wait there because it was so It was like it was just a horrible tiny room. I went out for dinner and came back time I came back In the room, there were like ring dancers suspended from the ceiling, like dancing in rings above the young pension awards Right? And they were like they're like basically naked. They're just like in like bikini type wes and they're just like floating around doing all this shit while they all have dinner below them And I go into my dressing room and now and I realize from all the feather boas and sushi that are around that I'm obviously sharing this dressing room with said Ring dancers. So I sit there? It's tiny this place. I' I'm trying to write set about young pensions or whatever They eventually both come back in and they'rei And then they go and like sit over here and I'm justiting this bit of like, ye And I'm like typing away, then these two ring dancers loudly have a conversation about how they both currently have mumps I had no When you start t, I was like, is this relevant? become relevant. right. Yeah. That's what so I'm immediately texting my mum like, Have I had the MMR vaccine because I'm in a windowless box room with two naked ring dancers who currently have mumps who just, by the way, perform suspended above an entire party. C Wf? is the Release the ring answers. These pensioners are getting too young. Oh my go. Yeah. andld. So I'm doing that. I can't get any signal because I'm in Oh my god I room with this fucking. They eventually like pack up their feather bas and leave. I then go into the's a little bathroom bit of this and I just go in there then I'm going come out I've got to get changed into my sit and then go to find a mum. I wish what happened when I came out is there was just someone, one of the patrons of the party, one of the people who was up for an award, who was just now in my dressing room, breastfeeding G it. And I was like thought you I didn'. His momums did it. Of all the places ist that where your baby's out of vaccination yet? There's lot more obs maps in it Absolutely dreadful, reallyally awkward. I come out. She was like, they said I could do it in here Did you tell her about the monk I you know when I we were Yeah. I'll be honest, the conversation we had was quite awkward already. Okay. Someone is openly breastfeeding that I've never met in front of me.is, I'm just gonna put this out here. I don't think that was your dressing room, Pal onestly it was arges. was I don't think you had an ar. Do you think I didn't even You had a communal area that they had told you for legal purposes that that was your. off. I'm going to have to Google mumps after this. I didn't get mumps so I must have course to be vaccinated. I think you must have to be quite close I was quite close. Apologies to the Mump community. No actually. I don't apologise for the mump community. I mean because because ignorance towards mumps I know about meizel and Rebella. I've got a worse dressing room corporate story than that but it's not my story' Carl Hutginon' story, but I'm sure he' told on his podcast. I don't know if I've told you before, was he stealing material?re you were awa? No, this is just something Carls told us. Are you aware of when he was he was doing a gig somewhere And there was a the venue was a strip club afterwards. Oh No my Godd. becauseuse she's told me this so many times He was just like going through his notes ready to go on And there was a male strip out there next to them Um, watching Paul on his phone just Getting himself gig ready. Oh my God Oh my God C got an email Carall got an email after I the gig saying like, was everything all right? email back he's like No, actually. wasn't al right. And he he searched the email and he showed it and he sent items and wasnt. It wasn't al right. There was a email stimer. Oh my God. Carl's exact words in the email were Wan's noble Oh my Godd. Oh no. Also gutting for any like, you know, female visitors to strip clubs who want to see male strippers knowing that that's actually fake. yeah, no it's not f say you. Yeah yeah. Well, Fluff has he's putting full Carl managed to see what he was watching specifically 'causeuse if I'm cl Yeah,, I'm livid, but I'm fine. Yeah. what do the professionals watch? Yeah ye ye. Yeah He's a real stripper stripper. Yeah. he getess the good stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's Paul Hook Pral. It's when someone goes, you're a comedian, What what makes you laugh? then you say like really niche comedian that's like a character. They're watching that really weird clown, Paul It's a bit different. We've seen the hack stuff, you know? The thing is if you watch Normal porn I just know where it's going. You know I just you can see like the joins a little bit. a bustmans holday if I'm honest.' got I got watch the good stuff Sve more on what you need to get the job done right, rightight now at Lowe's. Get fifteen percent off, select custom entry and interterior doors. Plus, save eighty dollars on the DeWalt twenty Volt Max two tool combo kit, now just one hundred sixty nine dollars. And at the Lowe's Pro desesk, bring us your materials list and get a quote in minutes. Handwritten, a photo, or even a sticky note is all you need Keep your jobs moving faster and on budget at lows. Fop through seventy eight while supplies last. Selection varies by location. Sorry, dead quick. Oh yeah. is there another weird one? Yeah Just another weird one that I need. You used to go home from sixth form and have Fcacciia with olive oil and balsamic vinegar and watch F flight to the Concords. Yeah, this isn't off menu, but different worlds. You've got every day, but most days. Describe yourself as a spiral No well, I've been described as a sparrow. There was a period where I look very bird like And I would be described as a spparrow by it started by, do you remember comedy promoter Cory Shaw? Yes. used to work for Chaortel. Yes An C would always call me Sparrow and then that caught on. There it is. Just want for a fringe, yeah, I was known as Sparrow. Thered bird like is a thing Yeah. It looked like bird min. Tom Rwson are very bird likeke. Yeah, but also it sounds very bird likeke. Yeah, yeah, yeah says for squeaky But I think I'll haveving a thing around because at the minute isn't the rat look really in W with the men Y Sorry. So your time will come the burdl. Yeah, what it is the worst compliment? No, but it is It's a big thing. Yeahah. What rpoys rra? Ratys Yeah I think rat boy summerers out I think that was a couple summers ago so I'm I didn't really What the fuck They say it's a rat boy summer. wasn't r. I thought it was a brat suummer was that something totally different waser very different. Right Eplainp boy was J so very quickly, a couple of people. I think the main guy in the bay He's a bit ratuing. Yeah, you're Josh O'Connors, you're Timothy Challeamne Yeah, you know,' sort of like slightly ratty features rather than like a hunky jock It was like the ratty facial features. Chris doesn't look at any He wass popular for a bit. Yeah I'm saying Bird will have I think Bird. Give bird. it'll be bird boys around Bird Bird boysry summer. harrry summer comes in. I'm going to clean out. Its gonna be spring it.'s to sprsring. Yeahah.'prows are out. Listen, the spparrows are out. And it's just made and stand. Let's try to think what you would like I don't want a fucking no. like look like like puggish like little pug. Fuck you. No nice way. L like you look like you breed outly as well you goill I'm soing bread. liim bread, I'm cross eyed, I can't go up pill. No if there' animal I'd say you're like a dog right. Okay in a way just to go back to sort of internet lingo, in a golden retriever kind of way. Do you think you have a golden retetriever husband Yeah, Yes. ye You're a green flag. Green flag. Yes. You're a green flag. his chimney sweep feet before we get into. so's delicious. You're a little green flag. I'llation aumn and I'llation Autumn com S together. Yeah Your time will come, Don't you worry. Right, okay, let's do this. suummer. Rat boy summer,' gotta come back I sure yeah, there was an articleline I' sure. I can hear you. I feel a thousand years old I'm confused I want to go home You're young listeners though. do you have them? Yeah ye We do. We go all the ages. All the all the ages. We span the decade I do the young Pension awards, you know, that's I'm covering both Okay, fine. yourour young listeners will also be thinking that you sound a thousand years old because ratboy suummers Oh I think it was was a good one. J just about your rings, the people doing the rings Yeah I' added a corporate once. I've told you this. Yeah, you've told Canon Roundhouse Oh ye Cingeny. Tough venue, very high ceilings, concrete floor I that had silks on beforehand. Now the silks are like the rings, but they're the ones that are just on a big ribbon thing here to do that bit at the end where they rollselves up like a roll uper blind then they come down and the stop just before the floor One of them didn't stop. So I'm talking twenty five, thirty, forty feet from the top of the thing. Yeah. Cracked my head open. Yeah. That was my next question. Cracked a head open, broke a collar bone in a wrist or something, literally smashed into the floor and I wasn' intt reroduced as The very funny comedian Chris Ramsey while someone was wiping our blood off the floor with a towel. G. Oh my God.. What is your opener there ' open to that It was welcome to the the safety aw. It was a blur And they said, can you just assure everyone that' okay and that the exact line they gave us was you don't get as good a she is are doing that without hurting yourself a few times. She an athlete, she hass done it. she just probably says, she'll be absolutely fine kind of thing. I had to do it. It She was carried back she was carried backstage like she'd been hit by a car and walked past us and I went on and I could see someone just wiping my blood up and P people were just like they were eating that stopped eating P peopleople were fucking st. peopleeople were crying. That's Yeah. I was like So the other day, right? Oh yeah Yeah yeah. on a bus. Oh yeah guys. Oh yeah. And then I remember doing ten minutes of the worst standup I've ever done. like the worst, you know, the worst crowd, the worst setting, you know, it was always standup. Yeah, the worst setting. and then literally like, okay, award number one of thirty five had to do the full awards as well It was Rob Hark. me, It must have looked like when you let go of a toilet roll That ex hold in the end digital noise. the fucking noise Crazy. Oh God. Tad little story.. So let's let's do this then I brought this in Jesus Christ. And now can we get to the crux of the thing I want to read my little story. Yes, That's why I've come here. Okay, dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous for the sake of my professional registration. Oh. And also because I never want this woman finding me again. I work in oral and maxilofacial surgery. Oo. You heard of that? No. No Is that sillow? Or is that when they put the fingers in your mouth You don't frriidgeid at all. My God, how dare I U Yeah, you pick the wrong slug It's a problem we've not by the way. She says freely uses the word slag so much that sometimes I accidentally use it when I'm not with her and get some weird looks Yeah, you slag It' slag out. It' for women, it'.' men I don't thinken are supp but now and then I'll be like, oh, slag and look, I' like, o, fuck I'm not with Rosy. I can I get a bite? Yeah When I'm with rosy I get allowed to say a haul pass. Yeahays My m mom says I'm allowed to say slag actually. Wow. Okay. so it says, so think facial trauma abbscesses And a staggering number of drunk people knocking their own teeth out. All right, okay nice. But it is kind of what we've been discussing this whole episode. It I knocked my tooth out. eighteen drunk. Yeah. I did it twice and then I did it again when I was twenty four. Did you go what happened? Did you go to the dentist? They put that wasas that tooth smashed or did they give you a face? I got a fill in. If you look really closely You can tell to the toist and she's giving your foot mouth thinkave have a good look. Oh yeah, when I'm doing your hand foot mouth. I'm doing yeah a phrase. What a phrase do. I went to the dentist just the other day. I literally the other day and I had to have a nerveest because he's like, yeah, it's going a bit gay. I was like great . It's going a bit great. It's still alive.. It's still alive, No it's still hanging in there is there. You can it's when there's certain light isn't there if you're like in a nightclub And then it's like that not have to worry about the you smile and then one ang go is white Yeah wh of it blank tang or whatever the other way around Sorry. Ta Okay Anyway, after five years of blood, pus, and chaos I thought I'd seen it all. I had not. Last summer, I was running a clinic seeing new GP referrals In walks, this lovely lady and I start taking a history She tells me she has a partial upper denture, there we go. One where you still have some of your own teeth so it just fills the gaps. So she's got that but hasn't seen a dentist in ages.. During this time, one of her front teeth has fallen out Now, most people in this situation have two options. Go to a dentist like a normal human being or accept the gap and do nothing about it Second car. I know exact what happened to here. this is horrible This lady chose the secret third option and went for Go Ferrell and take matters into her own hands. She proudly tells me she sorted it herself and removes her denter to show me her handiwork At this point, I'm expecting maybe a bit of dodgy glue, some chewing gum No She had I'd like to invite guesses. Oh was that was me guess. I thought you'd glued it I thought you'd glued the other two but it's not glue. it's not gl. It's chewing gum Oh So what she's done is so she's got this palete it's like like a bracess palette, but it's got tooth that was there by the dentist. Now she's in her tooth out. So my thought was I went She just glued it to the thing But you haven't just glued it's done something else. But I think it should put a bit of mug What a great showout that? A bit of m. Oh I with a logo on it N the what. World's best Happy Mother's de. Yeah. Dishwasher. Dwas A little dishwasher. Yeah What's direct fucking that wass a big too. So it's not that though. It's not a bit of mug. Okay, okay what is it? Be I thought you just glueed the extra tooth to it just hasn't. This woman you're gonna lose your mind especially. This woman had grown out one of her fingernails for tooth length. Oh ye cut it off and super glued it onto her denture to replace the missing suit She had made a nail tooth Safe to say I'll complain about a slightly dodgy denture again That That That is so inconsistent though The feeling you get on your tongue of your tooth behind it. Oh, that's just should have been better off doing a mug. A mug it a muess. Yeah ye a handle. Just the handle of a white white mu or. a bit of. Yeahah a little bit you know, a little bit of cur in it. a little bit of cur in it for it. I'm not going. I'm handling. I tell most mgue sh I've heard of my fuck a chip. That little ch. It handless way too thick. I don't anythingust aull handles coming down. what I'm imagining now Like one of them goats where a cor ths into their eye. that is upset me so much. What you're feeling in your mouth is I a bit stop tongue in that. I would have ulcers on their me to. Yeah. What if you bite your nails? Csibly biting your own tooth off with your tooth? With your teeth We've had some wild stuff on here and that is that's up there. That's crazy. You'd also you'd definitely notice looking at this when they sm ye, but yellow! It's got like a little cap, like a little peak of Yeahise there was an a boidan at the pot of you mean a him Oh In their defence. White nail, polish short? Well It's part of there. It's gotta be right because it doesn'tail It doesn't. a nail doesn't look. I've never looked at my nails and gone and thought they look like it. No, they are like yellow or they're disgusting. Sheusts buzzing about it as well. Well, but it is part of our body, I suppose. She thought like recycle, reuse whatever. And you could paint it any color as well. Yeah definite red one that day. G Christmas Yeah, New Year's Eve put a gall silver thereust it there for Christmas again us have metal grills, why? No, we can't defend this. I'm not having it. We're trying to be nice here just in case. How are you biting down or anything? You're taking them out eat You can't. You're hundred percentaking out. You've gott to take it out eat You you take them out eat anyway Otherwise you have a sandwich it's gonna get all behind it, your te. Yeah But yeah, that's This has been really nice. It's been full of a pleasure this is actually. It's been very yeah, there's been a lot of medical trauma. There's been heads cracked open. Well, youve got a theme See you can write it to a theme. Don't worry about it. That's all can do. That's the problem. I can't write not to a theme. If you say crack your head over, I'll talk for an hour. Yeah. If you go speak about what you want I go But your tour is called chop loogic. Yeah. Wh Shop logic is an old phrase that means basically taking the bits of an argument to help you And so just sort of like manipulating an argument around So just not giving everything out. But also there's quite a big bit about haircuts in it So it's quite satisfying. I've got a big bit about Turkish barbershops, basically. Brilliant and how we can use the logic of Turkish barbershops to basically fix the country. Right? OkayK I can't give anymore away because it's the biggest jokelease,le' be the only joke in the show. We'll give behind the door of It Turkey circular economy. cant say it ye, but that is sort of like I thought, maybe that's a bit satfying because chop no's going to make that connion at all. But will you have to come up with a title and I't want to do twenty twenty. Never near enough of the year. N nearough Never, never enough. Ver silly, very silly. M Jamess, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I' pvure to see you both again. I'll see you ten years. Yeah