Northern food preferences and closing thoughts

So good, so good, so good New summer arrivals are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Get ready to save big with up to sixty percent off brands like Rag and Bone, Levi', Adidas, and Free People. Join the Nordy Club to unlock exclusive discounts, shop new arrivals first, and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack Get businessusiness done with the new American Express Graphite Business Cash Unlimited card, with unlimited two percent cashback on all eligible purchases, unlimited five percent cashback on flights and prepaid hotels booked through American Express traravel online, and a flexible spending capacity that can grow with your business, you'll have the confidence to keep building. Apply today and earn a welcome offer of one thousand five hundred dollars cashback after you spend fifty thousand dollars in qualifying purchases on your new card within the first six months of card membership T terms apply, leararn at go.amics slashraphy Hello, you are listening to and hopefully watching Shag Marnoid, Please keep me anonymous. This week we are joined by the extremely funny so funny. Chris's long Lost friend. Yes. Russell Cane. Russell Cane Is here chatting about his new book, which a new children's book, which is called When Brian Met Terry, which is available now. I'm holding up now. It's really, really funny. It's so I know that my five year old love this. Your five year old? O. There it is. have Our five year old. It's clearly our five year old. to keep seeing our five year old. If you listen this for the first time, you don't know who we are, it just sounds like it's your five year old. But look when he you know, when he's been a pain You're welcome to him. Yeah, fair enough. I love all the time And also, which was so interesting to find out, he's playing Romeo in a new production of Romeo and Juliet in September this year. Yes, and that opens at the new Vic in Newcastle Underline. That that's the newew Vic, notot the old Vic, New Vic in Newcastle Uline. Not out of Newcastle. It sounds really reallyi. Yeah, he explains it all. it sounds great and he you know what it is, right? as far as comedians go He's one of the best mimics that I've ever seen in comedy Like he's he's a phenomenal stand upp but he's mimic when he's doing people's accents, when he's doing anything acting out. So it just makes sense that he would be he's going to be phenomenal in andal and I'll definitely going see it. So yeah. ennjoy. ennjoy. please like and rate and subscribe on YouTube as well. Sine about the jingle jingle So So this is the jingle jingle gun. like theoo jink g Baba doo baba doo babaooab Jing Obiously you gott to mention the fact I look completely different as well. I've never seen your facial hair. I look more like a thought a little more heartthrll. And you something different. I did this character for Lindseay, my name is Antonio, I offer a it's It's not erotic it's release. And maybe if I show you, put the hands on the pelvis it and' more comfortable if you wait outside for the hpal king gp doing again. Oh my god, I. You must like especially if you look at this now, you must have the waiters in Spain just talking to you in Spanish. Yeah, do ye. Yeah you must have My grandad was like that. Yeah. Lindy because Lind Lindsey's Italian heritage It's bizarre in' it? They say you end up with someone, if you had a decent ish childhood. like not too traumatic in it normally end up with someone. looks you share your. Not always obviously there are massive exceptions B and people marry outside of their racial groups and they marry same genders, obviously. But broadly speaking, when you study it, you look a bit like the person you're banging and the person you're banging normally looks a bit like your dad or your mama's work brrother. Yeah, I look like a brother. So me and Lindsey, when I was first first dating, they thought it was my sister. and of course then we would look like each other and then we'd be snogging and then all the cornish people would be wanking watching. No, they did this amazing study with students where they took, let me get this right. they took the wife, right and they took the husband and they said theseese are the people getting married, thenen they muddled up a load of pictures of older men and they could find the bride's father. they didn't show the bride, they could find the bride's father based on what the husband looked like eighty percent of the time. So what is that is that just a familiarity thing? or I suppose it's an emotional connection you know, the first love you have is with your parents as a baby. What's the whole what's the freud what's the freud thing? Edul. R And in reverse it's Electra. So if you've got a daughter that's like, no, mummy sleeps in the spare room and daddy doing that over the shoulder to the mum. Right 's's actually. Okay So I leving I call my wife and d. I always come in some sort of but Russell, it'st like accept to my she's Daddy like I've got my barrister's wig every night. Right, okay. the other week I've got an injury, so I couldn't go on a holiday that I was supposed to go on. I got like a perfect eardrum so I can't fly ' the best time. Just because I had no work because I thought I was going to be on holiday. I'm literally just home alone. And then on the day before I coined the phrase Glen closer and Glen closer because both fatal attractions were returning. Fantastic wor. You know, the meme where she's just turning the lamp on and off. You will not be ignored daddy There's I swear there's a sensor on my toilet seat when my ass hits it. D e? No There's a sensor. Well, we've got two boys so I've just got two little Chrises. Yeah,? Awful. Really? Well yeah, you knowem. I knowem. Wow. Are they better at reading though?ight I've all struggled with reading Rusle now. I don't the words're not bring up on yet. All the words would up in my head and I lash open them For all all listeners, it took Russell thirty seconds.. I said when we're getting ready, I went he's gonna do the accent under thirty seconds. and it was literally al You're very nicely you're quite a refined Northeast accents. That see Well actually that's the Southield accent isn't it? It's a s dancer. Yeah, the sand dancer and then you' got the mou your mouth too much because the sand's blowing in your fears much Why We need to go into deep sort of sand daner hereritage. I don't know why it's called Sand Daner. Well I heard it was just because back in the day there were dance on the beach. for the ships coming in. And simil the boat comes in. When the board comes in? But why do you have a helll of you dive shields? Why do I never ever meet anyone from North Shields? Does it not exist or something? It fully exists. It's fully exist Sam Fender is from North Shields. Sam Fnder fromld one. It doesn't get the same I do believe they just say Newcastle. They're the same side of the river. say where the Snderland side of the river? So everyone assumes that we Sundnderland fans or Macams, like you know, like we're part of Sundnderland, like and Sam Fer or them the north side of the river. they're just like immediately He will just tell people's from Newcastle When he was on holy probably not now Yeahah, but when he was on holdly when was younger he would just sit on from Newcastle. We used to have to st C when people didn't know anything about the country. I don't know if Sam knows this, but anytime you are in North Shields, the taxi drivers and people there will just tell you where he lives. Yeah. L it's actually we nearly told someone like maybe she should. Let me ask you because you too are like a friendly to your normalness type people like me, I like to think I am. All my friends are my original friends. that we can be my family. I've tried to it's he helped me back a bit, but I've tried to resist the show busy bit Yeah When someone's at my front door I'm not a fan of having to switch into persona if they're in my house in my front door, but then I feel like I am I an ungrateful unfriendly twat. So I had a postman knocking for a signature and he went you didn't reply to my comment on Facebook. Why have you not replied? And I'm like What I my dressing gown. I got I was a bit younger, I got kid and I'm trying to he's having a go at me. Yeah.' much other Wh do we feel guilty, though. You shouldn't feel guil. I feel like I should be allowed to be a twat F from the doorstep inward to strangers. As long as I'm not hriold ever to anyone outside, I'm allowed to be grumpy indoors. Yeah, I agree. I would agree Well, yeah, it's a mad world. I had a doctors send me a letter asking if I would do an Instagram post. screen. I allowed a bit screening an influencer for the NHS. know that was. Who wants more patience of the NH? W you tell people not to come? Maybe you misread it. Please tell people to stop turningope we't't's when the bus ar rave anymore, do we flag up sppringb meianles dancing on the sand. Inost shields don't dance on the sand. I don't know why. nice But yeah, it's a wild sort of Lyine, isn't it? Yeah Yeah But but we don't get much bother We rightople like used to an now where we live. Yeah you just like are. you've never had anyone, I's a guy like He was blowing the leaves off and the area in came into our driveway and was like, I've got this script. Oh no mom. Im fucking Do you not think if I was that good at getting a scripts commission, I'd be on my ninth sit combine. And it got me on a bad morning with a perforate earard drum feeling sorry for myself. And I went, Oh it's quite easy. All you need to do is gig for free for three years, then put in some time, do a couple of scripts that are rejected, possibly battle with mental health and addiction, then I reckon in the twentieth year, you'll be good to go. Do anything else shaceb' an It was worse than that. you went, Oh right, thanks for that. I'd love for giving him genuine advice And then and then ask like myriad follow up questions. Can it work You cant work. Anway I'm not horrible. I just I have to because everything I do is very high energy. I have to recharge when I'm home. I've discovered I'm an ambivert. I always thought was an extrovert. I'm first one on the dance floor, love being on stage, attention, attention, attention, talking to everyone verywhere, but I Being on my own to recharge. Oh see. So I get my energy from being alone whereere it's a true extrovert. The true meaning of the word extrovert is where you draw your energy from. So I draw my social energy from everyone. I can't dance and just be dancing on my own. He look at me, I'm dancing. Oh ye I draw I draw my recharging energy from self which is one introvert, meaning I'm an ambivert Yeah it just came out with like six or seven new thatt. No I know it's been around. It's been taken for quite some time in comedy T another Russell as well. I' quit he's quick, you now. Oh fking this guy. Honestly, he's quite funny.'s the man. He's the man That's really Ath thought. I think I'm an inroverted extrovert. You're an ambivert. Do youge you recharge by being alive when you're out, Look at me, look at me. Yeah, right you're ambivert. Okay, where is I like he' just told you the exact word and you said, no, I'm going to call it an inroverted extrovert. He's just told you this. No but But sometimes It's hard because sometimes I am a bit of an introvert when I'm around people sometimes but also I was saying to you, I end up overompensating conversations and I really want to stop doing it. becausecause if the conversation takes a lull, I will tell everybody me deepest darkest It's happening right now ironically? That's all the time. It happens this is what we do for a living but I don't want to do it anymore Don't worry about it.. You've monetized, relax the question, What are you like Rus? Fuckking drive this mind? What are you like, Rusll if you're in a room someone who was just the quietest person ever. Do you just fill the vo? I sometimes feelill sometimes make an excuse to I'm going to go and grab a coffee and then I' go and read aroundound the corner if the social energy's not there. Or I will initially try to fill the void.id Ill fill the void. I'm literally pulling me pants down. Look at the steing It's a form of fill in the void to leave the room. child, I think is true extrover. d Daddy come to the toile, talk to me while I'm in the bath, talk to about I' in the toilet. I've got friends like in this business who when you arrive at the hotel, bags dumped and they'll be downstairs talking to the barman. They have a constant social contact to get energy That's a true extrover. Say people go going on cruises. Yeah.. Well I like hampstered Heetath, but parts of it They love talking. love chatting. It's actually London, that joke? I got no I got it. It the northeast. It's a notorious gay cruising area. Yeah o. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times Your to do list may feel endless with new tasks, and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built in business partner can be a game changer. For millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and ten percent of all e commerce in the US from household names like Gymshark, Rare Beauty, and Heinz. to brands just getting started Shopify has hundreds of ready to use templates that can help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brands style And you can tackle all the important tasks in one place, from inventory to payments, to analytics and more No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need. And if people haven't heard about your brand, you can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you with easy to run email and social media campaigns to reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling startart your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your one dollar per month trial today at shhopify d. com slash realm. Go to shhopify. com slash realm That's shhopify dot com slash realm Who cares about your poops? Ollie does. That's why Ollie's science backacked to gut health lineup helps support your family's regularity. From daily probiotics to fibergummies your kiddles will love. Find it all on Oie dot com That's ollY dot com These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease Chronic migraine is fifteen or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more Plbox on Aacha linum toxin A prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine before they start. It's not for those with fourteen or fewer headache days a month. It prevents on average eight to nine headache days a month versus six to seven for placebo Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems or muscle weakness can be signs of a life threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection, site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness. Dont receive Botox if there's a skin infection Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugarics's disease, myasthenia Gravis, or Lambd Eat syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit Botoxchronicmigraine. com or call one eight hundred fourty four Botox to learn more I've got a question. You don't have to answ it. O obviously everything can get taken out. And because you are promoting a children's book you might not want to talk about it, And I'm also promoting a grown up play about love andiant Exactly. plenty in there. We talk on our podcast about swinging a lot. Yes. We're not swinging as ourselves, but we get a lot of people from the swing community tell us about st because we get horror stories. fast. But then we also get really great stories Al also on your Instagram that you and your wife Lindsey went to a night. You didn't say it was a swinging night. It wasn't a swinging night. Right Okay. But it wasn't swinging. so what was it? It's a night house music nightclub. but the dress code is slightly fetish. It' not g no sh. It's not gimp masks and leather.etish But you yeah, it's fetishh. So as long as you're dressed in a slightly sexy way like a German would think, you can get in So for me, I couldn't go and take myself seriously in like leather hot pants and I just it's not my thing fettish gear. I just I don't judge you, but I feel too silly in it. I judgey easy for a Lindsey's got like like a strip black bra, these black hot patch fishck. Itsucking amazing. Yeah. I had to resite South End United starting eleven just to keep the boner at stage just to get like you. But for me, I went for more broke backack. So I went like a cowboy hat. had a g lace, so no arms, nobodyody bit Furry, nice, Tpless. and some leopard skin. They were like swimming trunks, but they're the short ones but tight and then some leopard skin boots and shades. So it sounds minimal, but the effect is quite sort of like Gay cowboy type, sexy wood from toy sties. Right? did sexy wood. We got to the front of theeue, obviously it's cold. so you're wearing overtotes and you have to get in, you have to show them either in a bag what you're wearing or you have to show them. otherwise I said to Lindsay, you go first, you're gonna fuck in. She'd knock out my wife, You're gonna to get us in. The doorman like that miss. Muffthin goes, And what will, you'll be wearing I I open my jacket Im my God, C in immediately. Lindsy is like invisible. So we went We got there an hour early to avoid the queue. So if you get there before it opens, there's a classical music show and when it finishes, someone clicks their fingers and it turns in to a manic pulsing house party you're into that and it's classical music played naked next to a swimming pool. It was amazing. four attractive people eight girls and a guy playing like and you just sit around drinking your beers, there's only about you two hundred of you watch this and then the real doors open and it starts like Over the course of the night, I would advise you not going into the dark corners. There go Be it's mostly gay couples in these corners, mostly. But when you go downstairs, there's like little chill out bitsss Chill out dance looks like an electrohouse and a few bars now and again you will just see and because there's Dorman Only hot people, Whas I imagine swingers clubs to be full of eighty year olds. This is the thing. ye. This is what we are hot people who obviously aren't British because we're too fucked up and repressed just fking just you look through a hole and they're just like making love and there'll be another couple next time. It like it's going totally hot. I mean How do you call it making love? if it's in the corner of a nightclub? It's's like's It's like a wine down's like a wine celery cave type setup. And when you look through the door there it's like all candles three king sized matches. Mostly it's just people talking in there having a drink recovering from whatever substance they've taken. if they've taken substances, sometometimes it's just people chatting. there's people talking about art, there's someone painting randomly. It's not. way if the British did it, it would be like, here's a bag of Johnn' theck ro and they'd be all like Gary's wanking with a pint in their hand Yeah where this is' someone painting, someone was doing a talk about fettish without any fetish happening explaining the history of desire. someomeone's braiding, someone's tattooing. And then in one room two hot couples monogamously making love side by side.' like almost like an installation me and Lindsey we get home at three in anyone, can you imagine? It's like the Bllgio fountain? let's smash you into the next suite. You're so horny by the time you get home. becausecause we're British. we're unable to do anything like that because we're so fucked up about sex. I know, because some of the stuff we get sent from swwing and club, I'm just like, oh my Godd, like. I'll be honest with you you made it sound not mouckkey which I've never not bookie, I think would be quite interesting could focuses music and some people do stuff like that as an adult. There's not sex there's loads of sex. If you wantan to go to a sex club, Germany is the place to go. There'suck in hundreds of them and. good to know, but I personally would rather be in an erotic environment dancing fully clothed Miazan, than you I am as liberal as I am born and fucking raised on this island. And education at fourteen. We're repressed. Yeah ye. And and as well, do you know why? I think we're also a little bit repressed C here Maybe yeah Shing in the sun Everythings sexy, everythingverything's free. It's a totally different vibe in count. You obviously weren't look at me when I was eating that club sandwich on the sunbed. Someone hasn't rearched North German with that They're very naked the Germans. So there's a park in Berlin, just a regular park like our hyde park People just sun bath naked at lunchtime. Well yeah. no Romans are masturbating in bushes. there are no bloes pretending to sunbathe whilst perving it's just a healthier attitude to Nudity and sexuality and girls in particular, you' got boys, haven't you? Yeah two boys. So when we raise girls in this country as every female listener will attest Women aren not educated about pleasure. You know You weren't sat down at twelve in sex education and go, well, that's the mechanism but this is how the body works. This is female organism No it's completely undiscussed. You have to just pray, you meet a bloke Probably when you're about twenty three that finally is willing to understand the female body. It's just fucking unacceptable. Whereas in Germany right? actually Germany, fucking eleven this is my cluter. This is how it works. Why do we not teach girls how their bodies work? What is the fucking issue? So by the guess, by the time they get to eighteen nineteen, nudity is not It's just the body L.. I love it. Tell me about Romeo and Juliette? Yeah. Tell about your facial hair. Yeahes, so my bum fluff onm going here. Listen, you's always wanted to say this. Why have I got facial hairs result?, I'm doing it for a part. My whole career Inead of, no, it's a slight midl life crisis and I'm trying to change the way I looks. I can't accept aging. No. I'm going it for a path whichich is mking the real reason. I can't accept it. No, so what happened? Why did you take the bark? What happened? The last tour was just so I finally ten percent sick of stand upp at the end. I never thought it would happen to me. I'm the most enthusiastic stand up out there. paid, no mic No lights, I'm warming up and take it Every gig is the Albert Halall. I don't whatever it is,'s how I've approached it from my first open spot. I've never dimmed However, two years Seven countries, ninety minute show, big emotional ending making everyone cry. I was like I'm going to continue to do stand up two three times a week because I always stay in the gym as I call it but I'm not going to do a tour tntil twenty eight. So what can I do in between something that's new to challenge myself? So I believe that is the ultimate bioack to stay young is to do new things. I've always wanted' two or three of my own plays, just like silly comedy plays and I've always wanted to do a whatever that means, it play where everyone goes, Oh my god, you can act. I've never had the courage to do it. And even when I had had the courage, I would have gone to my old manager and said, what I want to do it. Okay, you have to meeting with the producer. We've got this play coming over. It's going to be great for you. That sounds good. So it's two hundred pounds a week and you'll be in the West ten for eight day.ike I could just see all my m Daves changing into Bournemouth and I'm like He thans. If you start as a peasant, you earn the right to brag. Yeah rules guys.. I wouldd agree. So it's always been about money and coming from a council house, you never ever think you've got you're like, what if Iven've got the right to not earn here? And I thought, no, I'm going to do something that's not about money. It might normally those things end up Be lucrative. lookook at you guys, you started across a kitchen table, you do something you love, not for the money initially and planang off it goes So I was like, what am I going to do? I want to act I'm going to be in a play. I've got all these sitcom things that I've been developing forever. One of them's quite near now. but I can't rely on that. The one thing you can control of is if you go on stage. So I thought I'm to go see some local Shakespeare that's good because we don't get as much up north do we I live in Cheshire, right in the middle of the country. You have to come to London. there's this one company called Not T Tame Theatre and they go into northern towns and they stage classical play, Shakespeare or whatever, but they do it in a way where your average person that goes, I don't normally like Shakespeare comes out and goes. Did they change the words? How comes I understood that? Yeah They're really good at staging it in original ways. It's the original words just staged differently Nice. So I went to see twelfth night. And they put Les Dennis as Malvolio And I've got to admit there's a bit of snobbery in my head because I'm a bit of a London elitist. ve it I'm crying. He's such a good actor Les Dennis. Oh yeah, yeah. I didn't know he was that good. apologies, Les if you' listening. I had no idea you were that talent. I was crying at the end clapping and the cast went back to Jimmy this Warrington Firebrand at Fucking Ramses Comany. and he sent me a DM was like you were seening in the audience. You would make such a good Shakespearean actor, meet me for one coffee. Wow. So I met him for one. like this. And I said he said, What do you want to do? Now, I don't know if you've ever been approached to do Shakespeare, Chris, but it will be bottom in midsummer night's dream, Malv any of the clown funny parts. Yeah yeah. already know I'm already a clown. I want to challenge myself and I would also like to do something that's not been done So what's not been done that's allowed to be done? It's not like I can be a white Othello. I'd be cancellled. So I thought oldld Romeo. because in the play they're seventeen year olds, right? But what if they weren't? What if they were fortyish And They'd never been loved never fallen in love and they meet the wrong person that they can't be with to the point where people are going to get hurt if you keep seeing this woman because of various things in their families What would that be like if you two hadn't found each other? If you were still single now, Chris and you look across the bar and you're like, I've never felt has my heart ever loved till now? Yeah. Listen, I've never loved till this moment. I've never seen true Beauty before today. You are my soulmate You kiss at the party, you're like And she goes, B, this is my surname and you're like, o That's Romeo and Juliia Yeah. Yeahah. And of course you know dads don't on. You know what happens next It all spins out of control and they both end up dead, basically that's the plot of Rome and Juliia. Spoiler alert? Yeah. so it's a toxic relationship. And so we've changed the stage in. so Pelet, who's Juliette We've just got a mum. So we've taken that demonic horrible dad that's like, you'll be with her I fucking t turn it into a toxic narcissistic mother. Because the end the day if your' foryard and you're living at only with your mum and she goes, you can't see him, you go. So is she going gonna be forty as well?'t? Yes we've cast I don many if you've watched Hollyak, two points L loga packet of Chris, all that stuff but she's also such a talented stage actor Natalie Case. Yes. Oh yes. wow. L that. She's brilliant, terrifying funny, interesting. She's totally the type of Julia I need, otherwise I'm just gonna run riot, you know, I need a woman that would scare me and interest me after I'm married to one in real life. She's a great actress as well. And in audition. We were doing these cast these workshop together and Juliet has this soliloquy which is come fiery Steeds sees me, but she's fantasizing about Romeo on her own. But the director were just for fun pretend you're hallucinating Russell there, Russell, you stand in and I sat in this chair and she' like windmilling me with her legs and throwing me about. I was terrified. ye But she was so good. good. So yeah, it's it's that to explore love. But if you really work four year old Juliet and your m mom was like, you can't see her. You just go Maybe I mean unless pillow talk between you and your lover could bring down families. L if you were my brother Every we do is tied up in whatever world we do. it could be drug dealing, it could be something Yeah, something corporate doesn't matter And they're our arch rivals. Yeah. There's no fucking way I'm going to trust you Yeah not to tell her when you're shugging. Something that could put me, your uncle, your dad, you fucking stop seeing her. Why someone's gonna have a word. Chris is currently watching the Sopranos for the fifth time so we guess are your dad alive . So you will know you are a boy when your dad enters the room till the day your dad passes away Yeah, you stay a boy Basically. And I think most women stay a little girl when their mum walks. My momum rules my life So you never ever So if she was toxic, she was she's not toxic. N she was she was in the police or a drug dealer you'd fucked shking anyone she doesn't approve get. So It's I'm going to be so vulnerable. I've got to fall it's out out of our comfort zone, Chris, right we do. We can't I can't look around and get a laugh halfway through. The first it'll be easy,'s funny. It's Romeo, the overly romantic, overly intellectual, funny lad. It's me then to fall in love to show that vulnerability and my best make get murdered, to cry at the grave of someone I love and to do it for real. These are things I've never ever even showed even one percent of on stage. kitting myself But like everything I do, I can imagine the amount of insane rocky montage training I'm doing. Oh it's just I mean anything. He's just told about perfect as he had on. He was just talking about like he was a doctor. he learns everything about everything. So this is a man who's sorry, I' just say, you don't know this. When we would go for quries after gigs back in the day,' I don't know our audience know this because you used to support Russell. Well onwour. First of all, we would walk in Russell would go to where's your chef from And the guy would see where the chef was from and that would influence what curry he picked. And Because he would know where the he would go, I'll have one of these then. And you'd be like the staff would be like, who is this a test shopper? just wal, we're getting shut down But for those of you don't know and I've always want to thank you for this Russle. I've said this on loads of different things. your talent no matter what. you're going to say what I think you're about to say. Yeah, you you saw and peopleople often say it when it was a big break or whatever And I'll I' tell you when my first break it was, it was when I was doing the comedy circuit and then me and you I got asked to support you went h. It was last minute. It might be the Last minute. It might be been the day or the day before was was like boom. Yeah it was like it was like when you we've got Rsell Kane and we got these little promoters as well we' got Rusll in the comed festiv C you support him? I was like fuck youang' support And then you were like, come and do some other dates with us as well. and I did other dates. And then I was you know why did' knowight? I went straight to Avalon. I went, I've just had a lad fill in because I needed to support. I don't know why I need to support that gig. Maybe I didn't want to have two hps And I went he's come on and just I never listen to people's material. I have no interest in people like wanking off like Americans in a circle about my punchline. That's not my style of comedy. But all I look at is are you a funny person? and does the audience like you? Because anyone can come up with a funny idea or material. I don't find it impressive at all What I find impressive is to communicate your humanity in a way where someone you've never met likes you. Ver It's a small group of people. so I've been straight to Rich Allan Turner and I was like, I advise you as quick as humanly possible to see the however old you were, you went very old, I don't think twenty two, twenty three some. Because someone else will. That's what happened.. And then the and the same thing happened ten years later with I didn't do this because it sounds like I' claiming. No no. I'm about to say it he's done You've done it. You did it for stterl, did it for Beck it. Judy Love. Judy loveove Yeahah. Lords of people. Be sounders fk. I just like just Well you love comedy as well and the thing bear pe wororking class backgrounds that or of whatever your gender or racial who not getting the re probably not getting the recognition. not in a left wing token way, but people just don't spend enough time just double checking there isn't a working class person with talent. I'm not saying promote someone who isn't talented so they've got representation What I'm saying is you're going to need to that rock pool's full of black women, right? So maybe just spend an extra week or two just double checking because it doesn't get looked in enough. We've got the white posh person pool over there. It's always going to be there and we should totally hire the best funniest, most qualified people from that pool. But you need to spend longer looking for the equally talented person in that pool. That's what people misunderstand. They think I'm saying orll just hire a black woman for No I'm not saying that I'm saying hunt a bit longer in diverse groups. And the reason you should do it is not so we can all have a fluffy hug about how representative we are, is everyone makes more fucking money. Everyone has a more interesting show. If I'm starting an ad agency, do I really want five guys from Essex working class backgrounds? No, of course not. because if I get, I don't know Nestle come in with a new product, that's a bad example. Nest come in with a new drinking product. I want to know what Posh went to eat and thinks. I also want to know what she grew up in a town. a Bangladesi mother yeah yeah idea that might make a million p. It's just common sense to have a more diverse mix of opinions to create more interest in art. Yeah. It's just common sense, it's not lefty Yeah Abitious. Yeah. So you I remember, I'll never forget, right? I were in York, York City Screen Cinema, Oers sideide Comedy Club downstairs and I was sitting yeah, and I was sitting talking And I said, I'm about to sign. I said at the promoter, I said, I'm about to sign with this small a small management agency in Manchester who ran a comedy club. I'm going to sign with them. They're going to be me an agent And he went Russell went, What, what's this? And I went I'm sing there in your fucking face, I thought it was going hit us. Really? your face his face dropped and he went out and he came back in And you went ed. You I wasn't gonna say anything, but don't, I've been speaking to Avalon about you. Do not sign to that person. And you got a meeting set up and Avalon signed me and put me host in the comedy zone, which was their Edinburgh Shcase without seeing us do a second of standup. I didn't know on your recommendation. very much. I've' so lovely. I've got a lot of cover stick in the corner of my eyes. I don't appreciate my. If you make my Tucha club piss down my cheeks I've always known how much you've re been your You didn't say that and don't I almost I like you saying it because becausecause everything you built you built, you know. Most of me said it was because of how uncomfortable it would make it. Yeah That's all out. Baboo baba do, bab do. Did you know Sam's club isn't a store? It's actually a club. with cool finds and like a whole community. It's a club. Of course, Jason. It's in the name Sam's Club. Oh, ye. comeome join us. Sam's Club. Plan B is a backup birth control option that's there for you when things don't go according to plan. It specifically works after unprotected sex and before pregnancy occurs by temporarily delaying ovulation. Plan B is available nationwide at all major retailers and through delivery apps like Doorash No ID, prescription, or age requirement. It's the number one OBGYN recommended brand of emergency contraception, and it won't impact your future fertility. That's Freedom to Be. Use as directed And we're live from the living room as Doug eyes up the match they spread He's reaching for the buffalo wing. Perfect Hang on, what's this? Oh, he's good for Cat of Pepsi too. Incredible ot to finish Sensational combination. Look at the delight on his face. There's no doubt about it. It just tastes better. Match days deserve Pepsi. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a pack of Pepsi Zero suugar for today's match Poetry in motion. Babooaboo,ab We've got two seconds to talk about your new book. I've read it. It's really, really lovely How old are your kids? Ten and five Right? So it's for the five year old. Yeah, bang on. Absolutely bang on. I've got another one for the ten year old. That was out last year. Pets. Okay. all right. Weirdly, pet selectors has now it started selling again and it's selling as much as that one Weirdly B know that was the year before. I know it's so sweet. First of all, have ever told about Russell's cats that he had Well, this is I can tell that you love cats by the you can remember when I stayed at your house in Essex. You had your two cats. Yeah. Youan you tell who those what the cats were called? Wayne and Keith And do you know what they're called now? Herry and Dononna. Five. Wayne and Keith trained them. first person I've ever met in my life who trained a cat. Those cats were like That's right. Can you remember when you you could hold them And I've got six and them around the floor. three I've got three dogs and three cats click a train if I click they all come, they all sit They all high five in a row It's multi species. You see I get obsessed with stuff. This man hyper fooccus on anything you do. I love I love I love pets. So I did a first book which was a dog and cat breed guide for children. So if you' like say you want to get a schnauzer or you want to get a Burmese cat, you can look up the breed profiles And then I got um and my new dog which was a Chihuahua. and I tried to introduce him to our Burmese cat Terry. Now as Chris will know having met my last Burmese cat, they're not like normal cats. They're very needy. they follow you around. The downside of that, the difference between a dog and a cat is. cat's body is linked to its territory. So if another cat puts a foot in the garden, it's the same as me grabbing you by the wrist. That's So the cat's brains are wired to territory. It's very, very hard to bring new animals into a cat's territory. Whereas dogs their b their body you've just got to make sure you much easier So Burmese cat is like that on steroids. They're obsessed with their owner they get lonely, they can destroy the house through boredom. They're basically a dog in a cat's body but don'd have to walk them and they bury their own shit, which is why I always said to houses like we can't get a dog, consider a Burmese cat's compromise. I brought Brian in and I thought The cat was going to die. It stopped eating. We did thirteen hundred thirteen hundred quid in vet spills. I was insured, thankfully. And he was like your cat's just fretting It's where we petted the chihuaha in front of him. So I tell him plish this, I was a meeting about the previous book and she was laughing because I was saying, He's been overing with a lavender Hankkey. He's a cat priest having first rightites. And she was like turn that into a book for like the junior Donaldson age. There's not many men write for that age group.. Men always want it's a boy wizard or it's a grandma with a secret life and it's six hundred pages and it's for boys whereereas for some reason, men seem reluctant to write for these very young She get a few Yeah We did, our was, but yeah we did that age group. and it's such like I think reading with children is one of the most magical things in the world. It's so good, isn't it? It's like that just that little bit of connection before bed And yeah peopleople sending us videos of their kids reading my book before that waseping every time. Yeah I wascial. I was so special. have your kids did you little one read this yet I've already to do Brian Met Terry, which I know sounds like a nineties educational pamphlet about gay relationships. it's that story. It doesn't matter if you've only got one kid or if your kids have got big age gaps Underneath it is a story of Bringing a new cutter thing into a household The resident thing emotionally struggling with that and learning to love your siblings. Yeah be siblings, someone else in the class stparents. learearning how to get along with someone who initially made you feel threatened like you weren't the center of the life. Yeah. That's what's underneath it But you don't have to read it that way. You can just read it as a funny book with a dramatic cat. and a Chiua c. It's very you coded as well. It's it's just it's really good. I was really impress. Is your cat okay now? Yeah, it was fine. It's just time. and So something really interesting happened. whichich was then we got the second chihua and I was like cat didn't react. It went like that And went I up sniffed it just walked p, I was like hey, And the same thing happened when we got the third chihua. So I looked into the science off. got three chihahus. G shit. That's how much masculinity I'mpacking. just see you walking through it. Rind so with my mum's partner in a minute. so I realize cats can't tell quantity. They can only tell the presence of a thing. So if a cat has a litter of kittens and it goes out to use the Loo take seven of its eight kittens away and leave one. as long as it can't hear the others, it will have no conception that any kittens are missing. It can't count. It can only tell thing there thing not there and I thought that's another fucking book. That just teacheser It teaches numeracy. The idea that cats can't count is very funny. So that's what I'm working on. there's a next book next It's a called Cats can't come because it will be. Yeah. and it' brilliant. So my mum's outph for my knuckle dragger la at Essex silverback boyfriend.'s shaking my mom. He said to me he said to me. said he said to my daughter, I walk down the street with and looked me, aren't you embarrassed?'s what the gays are. It's a rat on a loop. And my daughter was really upset. And then even me with all my liberal don't care what anyone thinks, you know I come straight in a tight pink t shirt it took my fancy, I was a bit like, is it weird I'm walking there? Is it like I'm trying to say something? So I went out with this tiny Chihua on a lead in his pink jacket because obviously I got daught he's always in pink. notot obviously, that's the way she expresses herric femin. And I went down the street and you start to notice the dogs everyone's got and everyone that had the masculine dogs like the Chechnian zombie deeathfuck or whatever dog Chechnyian zombie D deathfuckg.'s got two skulls and both kill children. as I walked down the street, all the men with the Rotweilers and They were all being stopped O men that look like them, they might as well have been touching dicks across the dog's head. Yeah. Who'd you think stopp me or the fit women. You let me strike it. You, you like doing? you like diry s? So don't overthink it, lads. We've got to do this questionn'? I think you'd be a really good person to ask this. We're thinking about getting a dog. Yeah don't I always wanted to golden retrieever. Right genuinely because it's funine with your children get my book, I'll send a copy Pet selector. Oh ye, I didn't get t time that road.'ve got a time. It's matching your energy, your resources and your time to the dog braid, not dog that looks nice that I've seen in the high street What if you've got the energy to walk If it's pissing snow and you've got two records How much energy you actually have If you have none, you're looking at a toer or a pg onight Just be honest. but also bear in mind how much training Chihuas are what I call an advanced dog. A lot of training. My Chihuas would come in like this soft as anything. a lot of work. Yeah. It's advanced training, but easy to look after. King Charles Spanel was a good compromise for people like you. This is interesting.is is an obsessive person so I know that you would match her p be honest. would want G dog. I want like I wanted pointnership with it its normise. case you're going to North Sield Yeah, exactly. I' to protect our as I Yeah weid on wers. Right Let's do this story then. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. We will, Kelly I suffer quite badly with eczema. And I suffer quite badly with eczema. Eczema. sorry, that's wom who used to call it Eczema.. I used to work in a nursery and there was a mom who would be like Henry's eczemalare me know when you want to stab someone? It smounds like a superhero. Eczema. I am eczema. Hidd him with my fls Sorry, it's not very nice to the listener. I suffer quite badly with eczema And during COVID, I had a bad flare up. John it is, I don't mind people that have eczema I'm not a fan of the word flare up flare upset. And the thing is, if was on a first dateating someone used the word bout, There wouldn't be a second date. A boat of such Yeahout If you're a bouty person, get a boat of like a boat go It could be aat of anything. A boat of goat. It's got to be a boat of goat. My mum told me I needed a doctor's appointment to get a repeat prescription. I called the contact docs on my phone and they didn't answer. I left a voicemail with my name, date of birth, address and telephone number In the voicemail, I explained my symptoms and went into great lengths about the areas of my body it was affecting. Oh fuck. So you call the doct message a conduct and a formess said we can both. sibly anticipate All of us anticipate that maybe it wasn't the doctor's. A few days later and no response, I called again and left all my details and my worsening symptoms, which at this point reach some of my intntimate area. Oh God. Oh it is about that. A few days on and still no words. My mum asked if I'd rung the correct practice. When I read out the number, as she put it into her phone she gasped and then erupted in laughter calling the whole family to hear My momum then reveals The number I've been leaving these voicemails on is docs, the local Chippy I did not say that at all. I live in a small town. So it is where everyone goes and I know people who work there, it then dawned on me I'd left two voicemails with every single detail of my life and my terrible eczema. I haven't been into doct since and now travel six miles further to a different chippie that doesn't know about my ailments or offer me a side of dipra base with my meal, I'm assuming that's a medication. I give myself the ick anytime I did not see the ch coming hart ye. what's worse is the chippy is a traditional queuing food. Most takeaways, you can go in and out, but you have to stand in line with other locals where you wait for the next sn go cold with flaked sea salt. L time lastast time I stood in the cQ for ch I don't I' told this on the podcast, you know this. Last time I stood in the cQue for our local chippy been a documentary on the tellelly about the rz and the head chef at the Ritz is from South Shields. Really? And I was standing in the queue, right? The lady be, bear in mind this is the chippy that was at me school. I swore of for school dinners and I'm standing the que And then one of the ladies behind the couch and she went, Chris. H Chippy turns and looks at us I wentesh went When you're in London, you got to the ritz? And I thought, and I didn't notice your t about it. I thought, Oh I went I have been before and everyone's like straight we're like, Ugh. went went in front of everyone. Next time you're there, right Do you speak to the head, chehef Tell my accept me friend request on Facebp we went to school again That's what I'm talking about. That's not acceptibleer. okay.uck hell. Did you do it? No've never been I've never met the fucking show. Do know if is it st? You know what? I don't know I like if I have a treat, I'm quite healthy, but if I have a treat food, I like fish and chips and I'm struggling to adjust to the northern fish and chips where you lived in S. so many things I don't recognise the men and things that are on my menu down we have something called Rock Eel, which is a bit of fish with a spine it's easiest fish to eat. It's one spine. It's like a type of eel. And all the fish have got like different names up north like Dobby dazzlers or whatever. And then everyone puts gravy on everything. Yeah and I struggle I'm like a chip. For me, a chip that's soggy and mush, you wouldn't accept that, would you? I don't understand the impulse to immediately turn it to mush as soon as like cook Kry on chip. Demmentia food that a nana would eat almost done Manner mine my in laws, Lindseay and a lot of them. It's like u It's almost like a herrinine issue with gravy when we get the Sunday lunch, I'll need extra gravy please. Can we everyone get an extra gravy bed? And the fies have gotone invisible and there's just like one sprout sing oasis in the middle g can we? And it's just my in law probably gets waterboarded by my father in law with gravy at night for a king I never so dr. What is he? I don't know. gravy I like it. We love a condiment. I think that's coiment I'm inv. condiment bigger than food. N my back in the day man. gravy. Northern boys love gravy.. You you know what I've never had, which really upsets is? G. I've never had like Eel and mash And like in the sauce from the London. Yeah pie mash. Pie mash. I've never had it and I've really want it. It's easy to make at home, but it's the liquor. I want to go somewhere and have the liquor and the mash and the pies. I' say this It's like a you parsley sauce that's less milk. it's like a more watery fragrant parsley gravy