Finalizing the Childcare Character Draft

So What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spit Ballers podcast with Andy Mike and Jason Pret d dud pretty d dang don D donong to don't Hey guys Welcome to the show. Yeah Hell, welcome into Spitballers episode three thousand million. So it's a pretty big milestone for us Episode three hundred sixty eight So it doesn't matter how many leap years there are, where we've covered it. We've got a whole years's worth of content ase they areow a few extra days into the into the year Wh who's the authority on days that we have. I believe it's the Pope No, it's not the pope. No, I believe it is absolutely Oh come on. it can't be the pope. No, I think it was the pope made our current I didn't ask that Well the authority on the days that we currently if we wanted to add some days today. you think the Pope could be like We got an day every week. I definitely think that the pope is the only one that could do it. I feel like your level of conviction does not match the probable truth. I don't even know what the Pope knows about astrophysics. You're telling me the Pope tomorrow could be like we got two Thursdays every week. everyone deal with it I believe so. I believe. But he is an honorable man. Yeah the reason we wouldose the sign The reason we would say yes. We'd say yes, sir, probably is because we assume you' not do you do you say your Highness? what I'm not a I'm not a Catholic. You do youress your royalty? What do you call the pope? Sir pope The closest you've got What your grace think Y grace. Iose. I don't know if that's the answer. Y're I don't want to insult anybody. No, I'most practicing. That is a real question Popeliness., That's probably not it It is H H holiness H holiness his holiness Sa Sinkcta us w in L I' go with holiness. is holiness U U It's a tough word. reading that out Yeah, I feel like we're not on the right track here L at least we I just wanted to figure out who get to decide. There's science, Andy. science. under science. I understand, but don't there has to be somebody somewhere that does Laws of nature. No, but so everyone on Earth just agrees that Monday is Monday Well, Monday doesn't have to be Monday but That's all I'm saying. I'm like whyn't there some countries that like Our Monday is Friday No, there aren't because of the pope. Im not I'm telling you that's what happened There was not in P of the pope. Yeah, but you apparently they do because the entire that world The entire world follows calendar Right from the pope from the pope. Yeah, which Pope did it, Jason? Gregory the thirteenth. Oh the thir there was twelve there were twelve before and they could calendar, right. They could not handle the calendar We've got we probably should get off of this Welcome into the She Would you Rather Situation rooom and we are drafting movie characters you'd hire to take care of your kids that' be This this m you rather It's groundhog Day for the next one hundred days you're going to wake up and repeat the same day over and over. Would you rather repeat your first day of high school or your first day of your first official W two job you ever had? Oh Do you remember both of these Both of them, let me tell you For me, both were horrific First we're Horrible. You had a notable first day of high school? Yes. It's be fair to give putting a life. I don't know what I do not know what happened, but I do know Jason, you probably were the one to put him in the garbage can If I had known him close enough, I would have. But I do know Guinely no jokes. Andy was and we had probably five thousand kids at our high school. was a large high school Um, that's a four thousand was it was it was very large. I don't think you understand how large your school was. five thousand kids. It was two thousand. But on. No, it was bigger than that. No ourur graduating class was four hundred people. Times four That was sixteenine. Go on. We had over a million kids. Now go on. We had five thousand kids. The whole point he want we didn't Your four hundred and Let's get to the point your school was a I was little. I was little. He a baby. smallest kid in the whole school. This And right now, what are you six, three? Yeah You're sixthree you've been working out. you look, you got a man body. Not then. When you were there, you had a sixth grade body. This is actually why both of the first days are terrible for me. It's the exact same reason. My first W two job, I worked at babiesZ AreS. Do you remember this store? I do remember that store. How is that a bad day? Well, they put the men that they hired into what they called their metals department, which was just like heavy items. You roollers. You worked in metals. Mals. That's what they called it. Medals. Well, no, where'd they put you Well they they seem to think I was a man. So well So they pick up the phone and they're like Medals. We need someone to medals. Yes I'm not joking. They're out of business now. But this is where strollers, cribs car seat, everything heavy in the store in the big boxes are. And they automatically call them in from medals to go carryouts for the pregnant women Yeah. But I am the smallest not man possible. Those pregnant women were way stronger. Way stronger than me. So I'd get called up to the front on my first day to carry heavy objects for pregnant women when I was so tiny. How bad was your first day of high school and why was it worse? It was worse because I took PE as the first class of high school And you already know that that's I feel for you because I know what you look like and I know what high And they made us play shirts and skin. No at high school in high P. Basketball Oh So I was very self conscious of being a m. wait no, hold on. sorry. I thought we were just doing a bit You were in high school? Yes Shirts and skins can't do that. Well they did it They better not be able to do it. That might have been the last day when they saw me weeping probably. I don't think they're allowed to do that. Well Not anymore. You gott to wear a penny. Penny jersey. yeah R blue. We do have confirmation that our enrollment even today is about two thousand two thousand. I looked up. Yeahah, Okay, whatever. It was a big You looked it up? Yeah I did You were on' volunteer, your incorrect. You were off by three thousand kids, Wh which is in fact Lger than the number of kids who actually attend. Let's just say Tyson has five thousand dollars to his name five thousand J I I genuinely wanted to prove to the point I was the smallest of all of them. So the more the bigger the number was, the smaller I got. I will say this if you If you took the three Closest sameame size schools. So now we're talking six thousand and it was the small I think on my first day of working at that job, I was also like asked if I wanted to go to the back and smoke weed but the two other people that were own just right out of the mess right out of the gate. by if that little No That's not the school one. That was the job Oh Th these are us. I'm I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the numbers and I'm looking up I'm right here, Mike. I'm trying to find like the biggest schools and if I had to choose which one for the next hundred days I don't want either one. firstirst day Which based on what I said, which would you rather have for me I would rather have the high school and here's why The groundhog D style where you're doing this over and over and you're going to learn and you're going to change. I think my shirts. I think by the We No, no joke. Okay, so the first the first thing you're going to do is shirts and skins were a problem I'm sure they broke them up in some way. They didn I'm going to position myself. You're going to put yourself on that side of the gym because that you know that'sne you look the teacher in the eye and go I'm not doing them. Sure, but then they're like, no, you gott be like, I'm not doing that. What are What's the teacher gonna do? But every single day you learn, send you the principal because you won't take your shirt off. That That's a good funny one. No. Oh, you're going gonna be in so much trouble. what's your attention for? Yeah, goo to the principal I wouldn't strip in front of my teacher. D so he sent me here I mean, that's basically what it would be. They'd be like, sir, never thought about that. We will never speak of this again. You know what, yourour lunch is covered Yeah for the year. Just don't ever bring it up A Also tuition is free Yeah and I'm college youish. I do I do think By the end of the one hundred days of learning you would have transformed by the fact that like you figure out everything to say, everything to do. When you're in high school, you know nothing, especially your first day of high school. by the one hundredth day, I think you would have ended that school day being like King of the castle. You might be tiny, but you would end up the day being so popular. You would have done so many cool things Like that, I Just in general First day of work. how old were you guys when you got your first real job paid like W two job U. I was sixteen. Andy Held sixteen, I guess. No I was I think it was yeah, sixteen I would have been fourteen or fifteen. I feel like When you are fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, but you're in the workforce. You're in the real world Well, I played the bass guitar, so I wouldn't really call it the real world for a W two. I did, yeah Oh that's pretty pretty I know which one you're taking. Yeah. You're taking the job. You were cool Yeah, he was one of the he was the original bassist in Bush, but out outside of outside of That I think that he the first they wanted to come back down from the cloud. and I was like, what if we don't? m sorry, I'm sorry I get It's No, I get it. I get. It was small. It was like it's just a little it's the little things come back down. It's the little things that kill, but yeah. I think that for Andy and I least, high school would have been If you have enough time and experience to do it over and over and over. you do it. Yeah. Oh yes. you could dominate. I don't know that I could have done that. Like my first job was at Staples. You don't think you could have dominated. I don't think like what am I gonna do? on Th three printers today. My sixteen year old first day of work at a staples. I will never convince anyone places on Staples is is staples still around If they want to sponsor, then yes, if they don't want to sponsor the show How do they exist? we all know the answ. We all know the answer. It's a front for something. It's money laundering. It is one hundred percent like. They just they find their thing where it's like So Game stop. is it buble wrap? is that the only place you get bubble wrap? It could Game stop is around because now because of trading cart. This You buy trading cards and you go to Game stop the video game store. to send your cards to get graded This is how they're making They've got a secret little This is how no, it's not secret. This is how they're making their money now It's like they're a FedEx drop off zone or something. Yes. So stables just exist to sell staples. ye That is the only place I'd go for. It's the only place you can go to facts. Like, if you need to send a fax, I think they do offer shredding They've got a lot, but I think it's the last one with a few I think that their corporate offices they are desperate every day coming up with new stuff. we gott to do Treading Trereding Can we do shhredding? Shredding is down thirty percent. Pencil eraser. What are we gonna do I don't know man. I don't know how those places stay in business. You go to high school. I'd go to high. I'd go to high school. High school is awesome. You take the band. Uh, I mean, I'll probably take to high school. Oh really over the band. Oh, that must wasn't a bad band. It was the church band, man Oh, W two. Oh Yeah. Oh was serious. okay Would you rather be guaranteed a hoen one at the expense of every birdie you would have ever gotten Keep your birdies and never in your life get a ho in one. I love just very specific Yeah, we've been we've been golfing Some better than others U Josh is the best Oh the golfers in the room only because he has never come out. And so he'ore highlight that. So we get Basically We one. We get one hole in one I don't care that much. I mean, I don't care that much about that moment. Al. if you got a hole in one Would that be something you remember I mean, I guess you'd remember it forever. Y I would remember forever. It just feels like if I'm getting birdies all the time that's more powerful over my foot. You're not getting birdies all the time No, if I was which I'm going to be soon But you also think you but to be to be fair, you also think you're getting a wholeole in one. We have a hole in one challenge coming up. It's through. I mean, didn't I make that proclamation on this show? Isn't it a sppitballer Yeah, I think it was how started. I mean, Al obviously thinks I'm going to do it. Mike, do you think I'm going to do it? No Jason would never think How do you want to Change your opinion because you're alone with me I hope you do it U And the hing one The weird thing is I don't know if anybody thinks about this. When we golf now We're at the stage of golf where we have to be conscious of things you shouldn't have to be conscious of when you're golfing. And one of them is playing fast enough so the people behind you don't get mad because we don't play good enough golf for that to naturally happen Okay So part of that means that when you golf right now Instead of like following the normal order of operations on golf, which is four people go out furthest from the hole hits next. everyverybody watches that shot then the next furthest hits And we're all watching each other's shuts. We're all sometimes hitting nearly the same time as each other to try to get through the hole. I think quality shots would be missed. I think there's a chance I hit hle and one and no one sees it is what'm say. because we're all going too quickly. Okay. I guess we kind of always watch the T shots but only Al could see him I've heard the tale of his owl having tremendous eyes. Which an owl does? Oh my gosh, does he really have owl eyes? People are you part owl Not that I know. I why why get For whatever reason I can see the golf balls flight. It's on not just not just the flight the l you could see a golf ball. You're like, yeah, it's right over there. And it's like right over there. you're like under one hundred yards away. And it's like that yeah, that's two hundred seventy yards away. How can you see that ball? No one else can see You're like, Yeahah, you're four point two feet from the hole. I promise it's right there and then you go over there and it's exactly where you said every time. honestly even I would bring him even if it wasn't playing just to be a spotter. Yeah. like I don't need to buy a rangefinder We have the roll. You could probably tell the distance. Uhm Um I'm gonna take theird Are you really taking a whole of one? I'll take the whole of one. Yeahah Because you're not planning on any future birdies I think I think that my future birdies are If few and far enough between that If I go off the rest of my life right now Guinely, I will have birdies. We will get them of course. Do not believe that if I golf the rest of my life I will ever get a hole in one Yeah, that's that's loser talk Sure, But I think most people who golf their whole life don't get a wholeole in one. What percentage of a wholeole in one is luck? T Tuck the skill. ratio for Hon one, Luck to skill ratio of Birdie percent There's one element that is missing from your equation. Please tell me quantity of golf Well I think that's built into. Maybe that's built into skill. I just think that like and the more the more you play the more luck you If you golf every day for the rest of your life, you're going to hit a hole one. Yes you are So I don't think I abolutely I think people play their entire lives and never hit a hole in one. Well, that's true too because the amount of luck of a hole in one is so high I I think it's over than it's it's ninety nine percent I think I mean, that's certainly true The odds are one in twelve thousand five hundred on a par three So give me do that do the division. Yeah, I'm doing it right. What does that come down to? That's way' than one percent. That's the mathematical luck, right? That's way less than one. Yeah, but twelve thousand five hundred, let's just say you divided that by days of the year that you played, right? thirty four years, but then how many p threees per course? But that's assuming that you start like that you don't start over every time every single time is the same low percentage. corre not like well now I'm one and twelve thousand four hundred ninety do You' never due for exact one. All odds work that way of everything. No. Yes. Yes. All odds work that way for everything. If I tell you that If you flip a coin, you have the same fifty fifty odds every time. You're not right Do But if I play blackjack on on a deck of cards, the odds shift That's slightly different. but listen one in twelve thousand five hundred is zero. zero percent, zero point zero Zero percent. It doesn't It does I people have they're on the wall of every course. People win the lottery too. How many people have you seen on the wall of a course for how many bders they have For how many burders they have You ever go like this birdie boy over here? If I go the Hall of Fame, he gets birdies all the time. I M go off every day eighteen for seven years, I'll hit a Hall of one. You think if we let you shoot on a par three for twenty four hour, I'm going gonna prove you right, R, Um ye Yeah, I'm taking the whole in one. I think it will stay with me forever. I'll be on my death bed and I'll be like, need you to know How insulting I got a hole in one. And they' gonna be like, sure thing grandpa. So we had a h other day where Jason hit his te shot twenty feet to some other tees. So he wasn't even off the te box. He just moved to the different colored tees He then hit a ball within five feet of the hole. How Mad would you have been had duck gone in wayay more mad. I was a hole in one. Like I would have been a hole in too. I I was a little mad. I robbed myself of a birdie. Yeah by getting a par because I messed up my first T shot I had sunk that I will say this, I'll genuinely Honestly If I sunk it I one hundred percent would have counted that as a hole in one. Yeah, we would have told truth to the peopleop's around. All of you would have counted it as a whole and. Question for you If I told you that Every you shoot on Statistically, you Before the start of the whole you of a percent chance of hitt a bd From now on, everyone calls you Bird boy Would you take it Not only would I Bird boy. N only how would I say birdd'd you'd bird boy. Why just you that You just put No, no, no, you're not bird you're not bird boy. bird boy. You're bird boy. But people would say, why do they call you that and you'd like, I don't anyone to ask you they're. They don't have to ask me. bird boy? Yeah, I get birdies. What's up signign me. Really? You like people call you bird boy? Oh yeah go.'re get a boy. Wh't call me Eagle boy No as bird boy You know Albatross boys How you say aouble Eagles in Albatross, Jason, you kn that right Double eagles is an albatra. That's why's It an al. sounds like bad which Mike jumped in with because he's so an noledge. It does, it does sound like a bad thing but only because they can't No, Albatross can play. canan' they? Yes Are they still around? Yes. They're the birds that can fly the furthest. Oh get. Really Bakes Albatross. Then why do we call something an albatross when it's bad? Albatross is like a negative connotation It's an outlier is what it is. Right? It doesn't fit out Rd Albatross is always negative. Nothing is you're not like no Oh man, this thing's been just an albatross Of wealth Metaphorically it refers to a heavy, inescapable psychological burden or persistent problem that encumbers success. Thank you. Yeah. That'oundound bad I'm not Why not an English major? You know what you can fly forever. An albatross around one's neck. Yeah Hold on What That's because it came from ancient mariners A sailor shoots and kills a friendly albatross and the punishment for that was the crew forced him to wear it around his neck. That's where it came from This is Google AI No, yes. All right, We're moving on. You're telling me and Albatross can just fly forever. Yes, they're awesome. Wasn't it like, isn't that what's in Little Mermaid? That's an albatrross, right No, that's a pelican No, no. It's eagle It's an albatross He Seagull or Ala. That's what I thought they looked like What a Sagle? Yeah It's Suttle, The seagull guys. I have the seagull and albatp? No Yeah but the sel is a seal. They look identical. They do look very similar. Intical. Okay, I have the reason for the. burden of Albert Okay, please. I just gave you it Give me the real AI gave us. Give me the real one. But there was a poem. Oh those look very similar. A poem in seventeen ninety eight Oh, it's those poets. They're always up to no good. Yeah. So in that poem U someone killed Albatross following a ship, bringing down a curse that leads to the death of other crew members. As a punishment, the crew hang the dead bird I think this is what Andy was say That's what I just said foro just conf That was a who will A I. So you read what I read in a different tone? No, because I didn't listen to what. I know you didn't We're taking a break. We'll be back with situation room All right, Mike, do you know what an albatross is Wh that why that phrase came about I can look it up very questions, but no, I didn't look it up No, but see, I was trying to bait you to repeat the exact same thing again for the third time. Do want me to look it up We're moving on situation realm This has been a heck of a show. You are offered a free one week stay at an all inclusive resort, gentlemen I mean, I accept. Howre you listening, J When you show up to check in, the manager explains to you the fine print of the promotion for ninety random consecutive minutes of every day during your stay You will be followed at close proximity by a Mariianci band y minute This could be while you're at dinner, relaxing on the beach on the golf course, getting massage or sleeping. Do you accept This stay or do you cancel your trip U I not only do I accept, I extend. guysuys Mariachi music. I'm trying to think of those situations that I wouldn want it. No, the sleeping Noe this one I'm saying It's you get when a mariachi band is on, you're getting hyped You're getting into it. Is that what you want during your massage Maybe but that you sleep you get hyped S they can play romantic music too Really? Yes Absolutely. Romantic mariachi music? Yes. No. Yes. do do. No they don't only play the. I've heard mariachi, ye, They are Frequently very talented musicians that play There's just some music that maybe doesn't fit certain situations. Let me ask you, has anybody here Alw and Papa Josh included stayed All inclusive resort where all the meals and everything were included. I have done it once. Okay I've never I've never done it. No, it doesn't Yes it does. I was going to say, it's all included It's at a resort that's just on the water. Yeah, but I don't want to include Jason Oh I'm okay I'm sorry. Mike you've stayed atis of. Was it in another country? It was. Yeah. see, that's They're more common, I feel like in they are foreign countries. We have them we have some here in the United States Fe feels like they have fineint though too, don't they Yeah, Mariyachis, they show up S if you As a small detour since Jason brought up theues, I'm going we're going on our first cruise. And Jason and Jeremy, they've spent an eternity talking about the merits of cruises and how great they are So we booked the cru, Okaykay? We booked the cruise we pay for the cruise. We got the cruise signed. got talk about logistics. My goodness, I need certain Are you in the Pacific or the Atlantic? I'm leaving from Seattle up to Alaska. Okay, you're in the Pacific. I gotta I gott to get the logistics to fly to Seattle and stay in a hotel near the pier because we leave in the morning. No hurricanes, but icebergs. Yes, icebergs will be there. Polar bears. I mean, I only imagine But then we just get a call from the cruise company as. Oh yeah. And they're just like, yo How's it going? Y cruise is coming up U, Are you stoked or what They're just like, yeah, you want to pay you want to pay four hundred dollars for your obligatory tips right now and then four hundred for your other rooms obligatory tips. Excuse me? What? That's right? What? That's right?? There's an expectation. What? And they just call you Tim just charge you workers. Which is fine. What? But it's weird to be like, I booked the cruise. Brother, you know what I did at my all inclusive in Mexico Oh, I know what you did. You left zero dollars for all those hard workers. There was a few of them from here and there, but like they like I have no doubt. It's literally you don you like they tell you don't They look when when you check in they They tell you don't don't don't you do it. cororrect All I'm saying is I expected that bill to come with the ticket tell you. It's an It's an extra bill They could have said any number in the world, right? I'm already booked on the cruise. You're not obligated. Yeah, it is it is They present it and mand present it that way. It is not an obligation and you can always elect out of it. R. But what happens if you elect out of it? Are you a good person or not? That's a great question. I mean comes down to what happens when you don't reward people for hard work? Are you a good person or? What if you But if you're rewarding them for work that has not occurred yet. You should not use your mandatory unless I will tell you, I have done it both ways. I have paid the prepaid gratuities And I have also elected to have them remove them from my tab and then I tipped people that that served me personally. Okay. Okay tipped my cabin steward, my servers, my bartenders. Okay full stop which side was more expensive Oh, good question And then follow up question. but we want one at a time. But which side more rewarding Handing somebody a tip for good service always feels more rewardinges and signing a piece of paper. Okay. And one which one did you actually tip more? I think it was pretty close to the same, but I would say that the prepaid gratuities were probably a touch more. Oh it's It was a lot more. I mean, I tipped well, but it was only like, you know, a handful of people where the prepaid ones are supposedly split when you pre you probably get better service from the person that you' exactly when you hand them fifty bucks. You also don' you're like don't worry about, I totally pre tipped Yeah, I do know. I I feel you wouldn't even believe preip pre tip that I sent you guys. So continued to totally different thing, but pre tipping is That's crazy. insanity. You should be wearingy. There should be two necklaces people wear on that. Yes. It should be a green necklace if you've prepaid your tips and a red one. Maybe did. Maybe a gold one if you were like, I'm a heavy tipper. Yes Because I need that person to know you've been paying But the tipping first take care of you, I swear. I Re it's all inclusive, but then there's a separate phone call with a bill and maybe I maybe my wife didn't interpret the call right But the words that she had were mandatory tips. I wasn't on the phone call. All I know is six hundred dollars left my bank account that day Um, and and I literally I had a moment where I told her I' go After it was done, I go, Are you sure they were from Cing Bea that's a sweet figure out the figure out who's going on cruise Intercept. callall them up and be like, you owe this money for mandatory tips. G me your card But I did confirm it was from the actual cruise company I will say, at least for the cruise line I sail to remove the gratuities, you have to do it at guest services on the ship. Oh, that's embarrassing. Yeah, you have to go up and face somebody. so I always make sure I tip that guest services person. Well my you're tipping the person to not tip people? You're tipping them to remove the tips. Yeah. C you please pull all the gratuities off my tat I couldn't I slide that person's That T uncomfortable That is I'm keeping the Mariachi band. I E even hereere's my policy on There was a question. Yeah, the mariach. Yeah, Yeah. here Here's what's going to happen if they do it while I'm sleeping. Guess what? I'm having a party. Yes. is the night Mariachi wakes me up. Yeah, whatever. It's inclusive. Where the drinks. You know what that They included. what that was Andy L handed you lemons and you made lemonade. You said this isn't good you want to you want to bet? this is great. whatever the Spanish version of lemin, I don't know That's what I made it. Lemonade. Did it Is in a lemon limon? Yeah, that's why I said lemonade That's all that's something that ass. That's the stuff that Limon that's the Tahin. Yeah Your local wizard is coming to you all. With an offer he calls voluntary exile Sounds so awesome. You and your family have the. Oh no! So far so good. Tell me more It's similar to voluntary tips. You and your family have the option to exile yourself from a current city you get a one hundred thousand dollars If you exile yourself from your current state, oh, there's a cool question One million dollars. Yeah or your current country for fifty million ll See you later, pal. Yeah. I'm out. Look, hereere's the rules. If if you take it I am out of here. fifty miles from your exiled location is the limit. You cannot go there. any reason Man, I wish that current state one was a little higher than a million dollars The gap between the one and fifty. There's another place in this world I can find that's suitable and N coming back to America. I'll be in Switzerland. I'll see you guys later. N coming back to America. ever as long as I live. That would be very, very easy to do that would be difficult for me to do. There are your family, they' friends, there's family I have fifty million dollars to buy new family to have them come visit me. Or I could move them for a part of my fifty million dollars. There's also a lot of, I mean, obviously, tourist attractions, amazing destinations that are exclusive to America. However I think what Mike is saying is fifty million dollars. Yeah, you see You went too high on the money. W do I get taxed on this?? Be I actually nerfed this. The question that was submitted was a billion I'll do it for fifty million dollars. I'll live on the moon for a billion. Yeah. Don't hear this is one in five though onene million, five million, arere you leaving the country For a million? No, Not if I can never return. If I can get a million dollars to stay here and move. Why don't we exile people anymore? This used to be a thing you could look up in history books. People would get exiled Islands to other countries, you can't come back into France anymore because it turns out it rules Oh people like it. Yeah, it was like, oh no. They like, oh no, these people that hate me can't threat with I will never see them again. And I'm gonna go start my life Aew in Australia. right to do the act. Okay, hold on. England used to send the prisoners down to Australia. Yeah. And he would start he' And you know what they did? They started a country And the pope would say the pope Your exile starts on this calendar date because I own the calendar. So same question. Same question, Jason, but the country of the move is Russia. I'm in fifty mill dollars. B that place. Russia might be on my top ten list. Come on I' to walk up to you and take forty nine point nine million of that out of your pocket. You don't This is already in my bank account. This is an earnings where I got a comy a Swiss bank. R right. So, no, no, here's the real question Here's the real question. You gonna live in Russia for that money I would do it, yeah. Here's the question. North Korea? No I draw my line. I draw my line Here's the genuine question. You get fifty million dollars to leave the United States can never come back Wh you go? You can only one or you're going Canadaana. I've already got the money, but you can't even so now you can't travel anywhere I mean, you unless you're going over What you're say 'use I can't fly out of Canada safely. I'm just saying like can fifty miles into the air. They're being a spaceship. They've figured out air travel. No,'m. I'm saying in order to travel anywhere out down, in order to travel anywhere outside of your country, you need like a ten hour flight If you go to Germany or whatever, you can visit all sorts of countries. That I mean, that's fair. I mean, I I' probably picked ome country in Europe, I guess. Yeah. I'm saying what country I'm thinking Romania. I don't know in Yeahah I hear I dont I hear Romania' I just you're fifty million. my a billion there. That's my point. I had a I had a whatever a makeshift mom character in my life. I don't know what it's are. That's what you went with after I don't know. I don't know J. No one had any idea what you were gonna say. You could have said anything I on a cardboard. I didn't know what to say. So there was a woman I lived with And my teamate you said a better you are Yes I did. I had a much better time said something good. Yeah. character. secondcond way you said it, I have a lot of questions Yes Anyways There's a woman I once knew Worse Keep going and Once a year He would travel to Romania for a vacation, okay She Was she Romanian? No, she was not Romanian But she just went there every year because what other way could you describe this person in your life? I mean could I can go You lived with a fake mom. I lived with a yes Who is I'm getting worried Am I revealing something? No, no, no. did your dad dropped you off at house? I was something bad here. So Yeah, didid your dad No in one family? Now there's gonna be so many questions out there. I just have to I just have to answer. 'use you said it all weird. No. see when I explain it, you'd be like, actually you said it really well. Cn't have just said I knew a woman once who went to Romania once year ot a m sure mom I lived with All right, maybe that maybe maybe that was better. Mbe All right't say you could we don't know anything about what you're saying. When I was a teenager No. I went and did performing at the Groundlings in Los Angeles.. went through their training school, but I was too young to participate in their class. do improv in Romania. Yeah, they wouldn't let me cross the border. you would been crushed. And so the woman who ran that school at the time, I lived with her Um, in California So she was like my mom in the summers for a couple of years. Summer mom.'re better we're off to a better track. there you go. That wonderful woman. She would go to Romania once a year. and the reason she talked about that was She's like, she goes When I go there I'm just filthy rich. Like I go over there with so little money And the difference in the US. dollar watch American dollar coming. Yeah. watch the I knew two Romanians And they said the same thing. So if you've got fifty million do of them or anything, and you could just transplant to Romania and you're like This is my country now. I am I am king. I I' always been really in neighboring countries of Romania. go Holdan continent Romania. I I guess one. I don't know if I it's in Europe. It's close to Asia. It's like near the Eur Asia border. Europe is very large. Yes. What part of Europe? What quadrant? It's It's in the easastern part of Europe. Okay. Wter Western part of Asia, but Western part. No, no, no. Do. I know where this is.. Okay sure desescribe it with one direction. It is in the eastern part of Europe. I would say southeastern part of Europe. That's what I would say too. because that's where it's at close to Spain No, Spain is a little bit further west They might in South. They might be. Spain is wet. Okay I it by hung. Spain you know, Spain's wet. That's what my best guess would be. Yeah I mean, it's over by Turkey by by Italy U clloser to Italy but like you are you just trying to No, I don't. I I think it's closer to to the stands. All the the Kazak stands and all the zbecenes No, Do Dandmark Do Dmarks anymore? Yes, it. That's that's Northwest isn't it?, doesn't it? Well, like Netherlands. Yeah Do the Netherlands exist anymore? We are so dumb Well, because. Was I right about the Hungary thing? Yes. Oh, okay. It's bordered by Hungary and Bulgaria. Where' Slovenia? Is that around there U I don't know It's what's It's to a turt also on the board. I mean, it's literally the s. me say this to to our Europe A brothers I just nailed it. Well just you just our non American like our European audience. who sounds like we'd have a hard time getting around once we're exiled. we as Americans get made fun of in appropriately because we don't know enough about the globe. Here's the thing. We have fifty states. Yeah. You have one country Tue. And then you get to know the other countries your states. Yes Mike It a good point. It's the exact same thing. like do we Do we all know where all the fifty states are? No. Of course, we don't. We know a lot of them. I will I know two thirds of them. I will say this though. There's the issue is I feel like people in Europe know a lot more states and locations. They can't state. Oh Iakes a hand out. You tell them theyind Idaho on a map. Yeah we're not going with Idaho. they know Florida. They know New York. They know W. And they know California. California. They know Texas Okay that's fine. I mean last leason was one hundred percent right on where Romania is and it's large. Is it? Yeah, it's very large Well, what okay, what kind of driving distance are we talking Driving Oh how long would it take to drive across because because people bring that up. They're like Oh, I was driving through Germany. It took me eleven hours Germany sized and And I'm like This Germany s Brother, Have you driven through Texas One state is more than eleven fourteen hours. They call it the slightly more south Poland. No I mean, I just say b you have just upset so. I know. I don't I I you know what If I run into you I'll give you fifty cents and you'll be happ Okay. So I named my country. Where are you guys going with your fifty mill Wait,' going to Romania? Yeah. I'm going I want to be king. Italy Yeah, I know that's nice. I need somewhere with Ocean Italy's pretty good. If not that, maybe Ireland A lot dude Iland is awesome. N never been there, but it looks great. Scotland for. O boring. I mean arere there a lot of ols there I would love I don't know about that. Where's whereere's the best golf Where's Monni Carlo Where's that Is that a real place? Yeah,'s a movie. James Bond. Gambles are old Honestly Monico. Monico. Oh, that's where we're going. We're going Mon Grace too, right Oh yeah, they were do they do the the F ones and the countount lives there Yeah Oh yeah, yeah, von chocolate. Honestly, we'd all go to England. Let We go to the UK can' I can't handle not speaking English. Well, I forgot about language. Yeah, I did too. We're going to the UK. Money's the universal language really All right, we got to take a breakaking and draft Now you say hundreds of dollars. We are dumb. We are dumb Bllars draft. All right, we are drafting the best countries If you to live in with fifty million only only fifty million. Honestly, we should put that on our draft list. U All right now we are drafting movie characters. So any movie character that you would hire to take care of your kids. Oh man we got a there's a there's a one on one There is a one one And I'm taking it, man. I know what your one hundred one is and it's awful. No, it's not.. Mary Poppins is the oneo one and it's aw. How do we possibly think that's? You guys haven't seen that You haven't seen the movie She is I've seen the movie not a long time. I have No it's strict She She wants to kids to be be my wife's favorite movie. I've seen Mary Poppins so many times. That is Androke Yeaho o dude. Mary Poppins is I don't know how else I don't know this is a family friendly show. I can't say it Oh She is off wonder She is off No. She's a turd. No. She is a straight turd. Nobody needs a spoonfulull of sugar. She is. She does. She needs to eat that sugar. She is strict. and teaches the kids good less. Thank you. The end of the movie, those they're good kids. Watch the movie. She's so unlike. She's so unlike. Jane and Michael, at the beginning of the movie, mis. I are even seen Mary Pups. I named the children opins. He he works in a bank. Mary Poppins has a great PR team. And I think his name is banks. Everyone thinks that she is this delightful. She's not delightful. She's a rude Me Cotety N, notot the Disney movie. Yeah It's all of the Distney Well, there's other it was a book before the Disney movie. and I think there's like other things. Maybe I don't know Stern, discipline, whimsical magic and deeply caring. Yes herself All right, he I asked Chat GPT to explain her. And she said she's bossy vveain, smug, emotionally unavailable. There you go abbsolutely refuses to explain anything. But she also fixes your family, teaches your kids wonder and then dips before anyone can get to att twn. No you exact.s no way you just said just disco. What was What no, what was your What was your prompt? I want to know you. I wantan to know your prompt because maybe You did. What was your problem Be honest, I can't repeat. Yeah! Oh so s. I said is Mary Poppins a turd. Okay. Yp, Your Honor. Looking the witness. I will say this, my opinion of watching the character is exactly what Cho GBT just said. That is exactly what Mary Poppins is. Go watch it again 'cause it's a bad movie All right, Mike That was insulting. You're up I just I am This is ridiculous You tried to defend Uh, mres Doubtfire. Yep will be my second. Hello What what an awesome and caring nanny Hm is caught up in some circumstances. It's just a dad who wants to see his kids. So he dresses up as a nanny and he sabotages all other people who could get who amongst us I do think back to like making that movie script the first like twinkling of an idea for that one. Yeah. No that it is a great movie. G character. I like the pick. You could run into some problems. You just, you could. certainly long term, certainly. Yeah. Now I'm going Mary Poppins, Jason Hates her misses Doufire, Jason, you get to pick? It of run by frruiting. That's a great one. That's a great movie. That movie is Yes great Now likable endearing teach any lessons to the kids. Jason hates teaches less. No. Jason hates the less. I don't mind lessons when you're awesome in the way you do it and your heart is in the right place and you're not as selfish angry I mean, she is happening to them. Yeah She is deceiving them. That's true. But sometimes you have to deceive those little monsters. I am going with I'm disciplineed. I'm surprising myself here. This definitely was not like I didn't come in here thinking I was going to take two from the same Movie I'm taking two characters from the same movie fromom the same franchise, several movies from the same book series that's been turned into a movie. but honestly, don't do this. No Both are individually awesome First of all, I would love for Hagrid to watch no I kid. Hagrid is delightful. Hagrid Dumbledore? No. B No, Dumbledore would su' going Mr. Weasley. Haggrid is such a Welely it's a great pick. Hagard is such a hererobic. Look He will get all of the all of the things' on Mary Popppets and Hagritt's like They both full of spiders. you probably shouldn't go in there. Anyways, I got stuff to do. Don't go into the sper Al also lostested lost the dragon. I will Hagrid can't even keep track of himrag When when I come home, he sucks' a parental unit. When I to tell you this when I get back this from manboy from my dayate night. When I get back. The kids will be out of breath. They'll be going. And and then everything everything will seem fine to everybody did No everything will seem fine. And I'll say, how was it? and they will all look at me like something Crazy happened tonight But it's all okay. now at the last second, right before I got home, they magically fixed all the massive problems they went through. I get that. whoo magically fixed it Hgry can't use magic. He sure can with his umbrella. whyy don't you grow up And read aloud. he's not allowed. He's not allowed. That doesn't mean he's not even do Hogwarts. He does it So youcasionally, you're like, you know who's great cat in the hat That's what who I thought of. What a great person to watch my kids L who I thought of. I So what I care about What is I care about children experiencing life. Also, Miss. Weasley's too intense, frankly Stoo intense S Mary Pot the dfterter? Get out of here. She's so gentle. She's gonna bake a a cake Miss Weasley always has chaos around her. You chose two chaoss. That's because she's got a hundred kids. I don't. You only you know how easy it's either be to watch my three kids? She' gonna be like, we gotta get into the psychiatrist booth here. You just to you just chose two characters Eg is repepresent your own Daily life. Are you Hagrid? You could have picked you what you resent Mary Poppins ' you wish she was there to help you. Oh, I would love you Mary Poppins Cat in the hat twice No, not cat and hat twice. Misss. Weasley's, She's chill. she's gonna to be fine. It's gonna happen on her watch that she can't control while her hair's all frazzled. Her ha's definitely frazzled. I' ping you the head I don't know about that. And I got magic. so everything's going to be all right Tell that to Harry Potter's parents Miss Weasley, Miss yeah. Slam Dy That's one of my favorite jokes you've ever made 'cause they're dead This is that so dark Man Oh. I got matoy. Everything's gonna be I love that day Potters Parents Wh. I'm surprised you didn't pick Voldemore the way you're drating All right, Well, I've got two more picks. so keep better drafting before it gets back to me. Wow. Thankks for leaving so much for us. Mike you're on the clock Oh this is my second pick? Yeah, you got missed outoufire. Misses Delfire sorry. Oh, I mean, it' all it's all the same So It Don't do. I'm taking the I just I don't I don't need Papa Josws and people coming here with specifics You know who I'm talking about? Gave me the terminator. Interesting. giveive me inerm too This is what he just said us to do. It's the no, no no, but I'm saying like that the terminator' the T one hundred. I correct Papa Josh. Yeah Jason Sart is you want him in Terminator two because Yes, he was protected. Yeah. Yeah. Okaykay. You want the protective Swart. Yeah. loveve it I love it. That is correct because He taught John Connor. So much about life. while he, I mean, he is an emotionless robot And yet he's able he's able to learn And then you you see the growth. you have we have the whole soliloquy of Sarah Connor being like I've watched the boy in the robot He has taught him so much about life or whatever she's saying. I didn't see that pick coming. I think you could have it's a good pick. I think you could have snuck it through. It doesn't matter. All my picks are great So I have Maryry P to sneak them all through My second pick is Mufasa Masta is actually very high. p my say That's a good pick. I look, he's he'll sacrifice. and the voice It's an authorian Those kids are going to clean their rooms Twice That' that's it's really You know, and things that are not fair. Male voices. Oh God I bet you're gonna to say M Fasa's death, but go also very unfair Yeah. I'm saying like, how what? Some people just get a man It makes you. Yes. everything. It's the only reason in my life I have smoked a cigar and a fire And I can't keep up with it because it's just so gross. You're trying to make it, but General says no. But it's in Freeman says, yes I want that I want those. those voice, there's almost nothing I'm more like I'm not jealousb. obbviously like Chris Hmsor Am I jealous of his body? Absolutely. Yeah. you talk about but I don't But but I'm not really jealous of his body. I can't get that I can't be six foot whatever and I'm never working out and eating like him. rightight But the voice I feel like he's got a very low voice. I want I want of I'm so genuinely jealous of guys with Don Draper. Yes, just those Unbelievably rich deep voices. All right, my second pick then on this turn, Mary Poppins M Fasa. I'm going to go with I want to go with Alfred Oh, dude, he's on my list. It's not on my list so good. He's on my list And, you know, you could say any any of them, but Michael Kain is the one I'm going to think about because he's got the voice to You're going to listen, He's going to take care of you Im going Alfred That's what Butler does they take care of things. My issue with Alfred is I think maybe he didn't set enough boundaries Could he though he's old. He's old. He wasn't No Alfred was actually born He was born old. He was born How old How old is Alfred when Batman has grown up Al seventy. Okay, so he stays there. But when he was a boy, he was seventy. Yeah. Alfred was I mean Always Batman will die long before Alfred. Yeah. Alfred's there for every new Batman But that's what we're saying like If you were raising a child whose parents were you know, savagely murdered in murder Alley And then you just fully enable him to pance. Yeah, to become the dark Kight I think maybe you should have set a more strict boundaries on him. Maybe a curfew. He's not pro counseling is what you're saying? I don't think he cares I know just how to deal with this. So you have all forward on this costume U Mike is up. No I have three. Poppinson fiveal Alfred I'm get dressed like a pat. I don't gonna to talk like this Whatever you want, master Maning. I'd like to keep my job and your parents are dead. You really My sole employer. We don't really think about that. He is Yeah does he may resent him But it's his only job. He has he has no way out. He has no way stuck. Yeah. right onm back up. No HR department in the back cave You're up. I am going to go It took some time because of his background in his patient grew We got where you're going We got like We got there with Gw. We got I mean, he's a great dad. Oh I love Not only is he like like I'm okay beingating No, he becomes a great father figure for these three adopted girls. He gives up his life of crime Kble comes a good guy. I don't know if I'm spoiling the me for everyone out there Soiler Yeah L I will I will that's a g That' a grou Jason, you have Hagrid and Miss Weasley. What other picks from that? serious are going to make I'll probably go Dombledore and her owni. I mean, Dumbledore is better than both those pigs. No way. Yes. No, he's no way. He's not chaotic. Exactly. I want chaos for my children. Let me guess. I got your third pick. Okay. The Tasmanian devil It's on the list. Um, I all that. But what happen. What happened ys, what happened to the Tasmanians' gone a while. Like he was my favorite. but he was like there's when we were growing up, he was popular. There are fifty year olds roaming the streets of the United States of America with Tasmanian deviled tattoos. This dude Was it Everyone love it. Everyone loved Taz comeome to Tas me What happened I don't know. What what happened to Looneyyooths his Do anyone his drawing like expired? likeike the like they can't draw anymore IP because guys like nobody have free domain. They're like we're out of here Don't wor. cash cow of the Tasmanian deevil is gone. All right. I know my final two picks. They're going to be less chaotic Um, but I don't believe still also picks like my first two First is Mr. Miyagi I mean, you want someone who knows how to take care of things in his own way Yeah. And he's going to get the tores done while teaching my kids karate. Tores will be done. They're going be taking out garbage and cleaning windows and next thing you know, they'll be able to protect themselves. It's a pretty good pick. you know? It's a pretty good pick I didn't even have it on my list and I should that's a solid pict. And the last one, I want someone who is capable loovable, but also willing to sacrifice If it comes down to someone who has to necessarily themselves harmway in volunteerers tribute I will take Katnis Everden Oh will okay. She cares for her family. She does. She will put her life on the line. So and I mean, she will kill kids though other kids to br. That's a fine line. That's fine with me. That line is totally fine.ens if she finds herself mentally in the g. Those aren't just kids. Those are people who volunteered Untrue is true just don't make a mistake. or were volunteered. Yeah, they were volunteerss. Th those were kids who were volunteered Did you it? Yeah, Mike you're up H Let's. There's a lot of strong contenders here on this list. The fun thing about this is I feel like there are a billion you could go any different way Yeah. I mean you drafted the Terminator. I didn't see that coming. U I'm going to stay with special powers then And I will take Mrs. Incredible Interesting I had elasta girl who was Already a very strong and great mom. Yes. off three children. with super extra power. She can yeah. I mean, with the super powers? On my O my l. I she can handle this. On my list I had Adna Mode That's more like my terminator, ye starling. sameame universe. And honestly, mister Incredible. like that's a good franchise Yeah got there G got there Well, Jason, your your pick of mister Miyagi really inspired me because I I like what you did. you get martial arts training with leadership. going to take good care of them but can defend them Tell me it's Stevensg. I'm going splinter. Oh that's a good people raised for the good turtles. Nobody's raised turtles like he has. No one So that came out of left field. It wasn't on my list, but you when you brought up mister Miyag, I started thinking All right, how do I get my kids trained properly? And yeah, one of them's gonna end up being kind of a leader kid and then another one's gonna to be like kind of the nerd. Yeah. One's gonna to be like a party animal.s like a rebel. Th now you only have three, so which one are you getting rid of? It's cool, but Rude. I don't need any of them to be done Oh I thought you were gonna get rid of Rath I he won' She wants cool but Rude. I do want cool but Rude. I do. Someone's gotta be I guess Rapff would be the one to get rid of if you want everyone to get along. Yeah. ye. Yeah sure. No, they you know R would be the oy The harony of the churtle Rf Everyone would be so mad at Michelangel all the time. Ralath is the one the two serious guys Mike is like throwing pizz around. That's absolutely true. You need all four. I'll get one more kid. K. All right. Mary Poppins Mfasa Alfred and Slinter, Mike with Misses. Doubfire, the Terminator Grew and Misses inccredible AKA Alasta girl Jason with Hagrid mr. Weasley, mrs. Weasley. mister Weasley. All the Weasleys No sureure Mres. Weasley and Mr. Miagi and Katineiss Eberdeen Did Anybody we forgot there in from Ducer Al? I've got a I don't have any more that I love. I had Nanny McPe, the betteret Mary Poppins, and Aragorn Eone knows how to take care of them littleles. Nanny McPe. Yeah. Yeah just because she's ugly. You how rude She is mean? No, I think she's mean. she's way less mean than Mary Poppins. Rude, but cool She's she's mean and Hideous. is hideous. What are you guys think about Chewbacca? Could he get it done Yeah I don't think our kids would understand them Yeah I mean, that's fine, just yellining at him.. What about Marlin? F finding Nemo. Well lost his son. He lost his son. My kids can't breathe underwater. That's He can't breathe in the air. We have a problem. Yeah he did the whole premise is him being a bad dad. Yeah Yeah, but he went so far out of his way to get him back. So you're saying if they lose my kids, he'd be able to find them. He did. He's also I was thinking like can't speak. Aunt may, but I'm like, she had no idea what Spideran was doing She was lost. Yeah. ye who was. Yeah. Yeah about Doc Brown No, no. No No that dude's like hey teenager Jump at this time machine, That's true He's like, hold on. I'm being chilled down by No I like He's like, stand here, stand right here. I stole some pllutoni. This science experiment Assuming I did everything right We travel in time. He could have incinerated that teenager. Yes. Yeah And he was getting shot at Well they had to actually fight. Yeah, that's not good That's not a good one Jason thinks Hagrid's a good character. Jason thinks that our high school had five thousand kids What'd you learn, Jay? aboutb yourself? I learned that Mike had the best joke of all time.. J That was really good and bad And good. I loved it We'll be back with another episode at some point next week. Goodbye. Goodbye everybody Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out sppitballerspod dot com.