SP
Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Comedy Podcast
Drafting Things That Are Clear
From Toasted Mold & Things That Are Clear - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast — May 18, 2026
Toasted Mold & Things That Are Clear - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast — May 18, 2026 — starts at 0:00
Aru ba loves you seriously, like the entire island. You don't believe me? Then visit it and you'll see. The beaches will soothe you with warming love. The water will heal you with cleansing love . The food will fill you with delicious, delicious food love. And the people, well, they offer the warmest love of all. That's a lot of love. Hope you like feeling incredible basically the entire time you're there. Just be sure to return the favor. So go ahead and meet Aruba and then love Aruba. Plan your trip today at Aruba.com. Today's show is brought to you by your friends at Indeed. We know here that hiring someone for a job, it's not just about filling a role. You got to find someone with the right background, the experience. It's it's a difficult thing to do, and that's what Indeed is here to help you do. Get the right person for that job. Indeed, sponsor jobs help you match with candidates who can move your business forward. Target candidates by skills, certifications, or location. Join the 3.3 million employers worldwide that use Indeed to connect with quality talent that fits their needs. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results now with indeed sponsored jobs. And listeners of this show will get a seventy-five dollar sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, do it the right way with Indeed. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason . Wickity wickity wickity boop-bapa dinkyy . Wickity wickety, huh? Ex That's the only part I knew going in. You could you And the rest was Couldn't buy lickety splickety? Uh Badingy. Yeah. Also explain the hat to me because I didn't I was unaware until you were halfway through your scan. I look up and I see in the monitor and your hat is resting on your nose. What was that about? It was just to stay like hidden. Like maybe the mystery maybe if I didn't look at you guys, maybe it would come out and it'd be really cool. So were you keeping yourself away from the world or the world away from yourself? It depended how the scat went. I'm in the scat zone, Jason. Squee that that bad oot no. Get out of there, man. It's terrible in there. It's just you and John. Wickety wickety. Lickety. Splickity. That's what I should have gone with. Welcome in. Would you rather baller Dash and a draft on today's episode of the Spitballers? Andy Mike and Jason with you. We've got Al Borland in the building, Papa Jos h, the Falcon over there in Ducers Alley. Three dudes combining to do the job of half a man. So uh thank you for being here. Um we will kick things off right here, right now. First, I'll remind you you can follow the show at Spitballerspod over on X and tell your friends and family about the podcast. We would really appreciate it. And you'll make uh you'll make their life do it . Or else at the news. Whoa. That was serious. I feel like I have to do it now Yeah, you want to know why? Because I don't want to know why. Oh or else. Or else. Oh it's a new technique. I love threatening our audience. Well, they should know that it we're all fun and games until you don't share. Until the threats. So like Mike said, share it or else. Here we go. Would you rather? All right, Cora from Patreon writing in, would you rather every person in the world be given ten million dollars ? Or only you are given ten thousand dollars. That's a weird question. Except I don't think Cora understands how the economics of the world works Yeah, that would be a bit of an inflationary person ten million dollars, uh you are toast. Well, also you did nothing 'cause every everything is going I mean, if that's what everyone has I'm saying for you you personally yeah, like the world will stay close to the same, but you will have you won't be able to afford a thing. Well, yeah, a Big Mac's gonna be like, you know, fifty thousand dollars. Yeah. The trick would be to spend it faster than the impact that you know, of the event for the other people. If everybody let's say instantly everybody in their mailbox is ten million dollars, if I go out and spend my ten million really, really quickly before it all catches up. Right. The ten million is gonna it's gonna take a while for ten million not to feel like ten million to the world. It's everybody else. It's not you. Now here's the thing. Oh wait, it's not you at all? Not you at all. I thought it said everyone in the world. No, it says would you rather Oh you're included. Yeah, I'm saying that's how I interpreted it. Yeah. Well yeah, I'm gonna spend that so quick. I think you have to go spend it fast. Because if you all got it right now and I ran out, there's no way they're not taking my money. No, you can get you can go get something right now for ten million dollars that is worth that. And then the car salesman that's got the ten million waiting for him at home doesn't know it yet. If if you went out and bought a ten million dollar house at current value, and then everyone's guilty right now. You know how much that house I'm gonna turn around sell that house two years. Flip that house. If you if the if this happened, how long does it take for all prices to catch up? If it it it if it happened and it was newsworthy . It's two months. Holy crap. Under a week. I'm going under a week. I mean, it would be quick. It would be very, very quick. I think it's more the comprehension. I think it's more like let's say you're a person that sells good s how do you process that that fast right like we we do the draft kit for for the footballers like okay everybody instantly like what do we do with the I wouldn't want no what to do exactly with the price right a Well it's different because ours is a digital product, but when you've got I mean your inventory if you're selling potatoes you're about to be out of potatoes. You got no more potatoes to sell because everyone can buy them now and everyone's buying Supply demand supply demand. Supply demand. That's just that's just common sense. But I but what what will your potatoes cost a couple days into this event? I mean they just keep going up until they stop selling. And then they'd go down a little. Do you think potatoes would be potatoes would rush items? I don't. I don't think that that's what people are going to rush out for. Vegetable that that would make it? A nightshade? Truffle. I don't know. Is truffle a vegetable? I don't know. No, no one knows. Only the pigs find him. The Falcon's like, well, if you have 10 million, do you really need profit? Is that what you just asked? Yeah. Yeah, I mean you're gonna because everything's gonna cost way more. Right, exactly. If you hold on to that ten million and everyone out there's a ten millionaire, then then you're just you're just exactly the the average person and then costs will go up. I mean that yeah, it's not so just give me the ten thousand dollars. Yeah, so the great news after all this is I now have ten thousand dollars. Yeah. And you don't. So it's such a small how many potatoes can I get with $1,000 ? Well, the uh the option is $10,000 or $60,000 potatoes. That's your choice. Oh man. Would you take $60,000 potatoes? Over $10,000? I don't think they go bad pretty quick. I don't get stinky. They stink. Um also You ever pulled one of those out of your fridge? Yeah. Where they where all of a sudden there's a creature coming out of the potato. What's the worst thing you've pulled out of your fridge? Oh . I mean that's pretty much. I know what comes to my story. Please please do share . This isn't I'm this isn't a proud this isn't a proud moment. Yeah, all right. But you know, you go and you do that, you clean out the fridge thing and then you get to the back part of the drawer that has been full for a long time, and there is usually something along the lines of what once was a zucchini or a cucumber. You're saying it's liquefied. Yeah, that thing's melting. And you gotta you gotta find a way to pick it up, but you can't because it's like hot butter. You're you're figuring I mean, I'm gloving up. I'm you know, you're You want to throw the drawer out. I want to throw the fridge out. I mean I don't want to get a new drawer in there. Before you even answered it, I was gonna say it would have been something that liquefied. It would have been something hiding back there that just became a new substance. It's not a liquid, it's not a solid. It's not a gas. The vegetables are solves it. The vegetables are worse than the meat because the meat stinks, but the meat is usually packaged. So if you didn't cook up your chicken breast, it's wrapped in cellophane and you can see it's nasty. But the the vegetables are they're exposed. At best you w were lazy enough to not take it out of the little bag you put it in in the grocery store, but usually the vegetables are out in the open. Yeah. And you don't want those things going bad. That and the uh like a a real furry block of cheese. Oh yeah. Yeah, those are those. So you ever name them? I have not. Is that a good technique? Oh yeah. I mean when you get if you if you've got enough fur to go, you know, to the groomers, then you deserve a name. That's that's how I that's how I look at it. Um so yeah, yeah, furry cheese for sure. I saved my son from a uh from making a bagel the other day. He was walking through the fridge and he's about to cook the bagel up and I looked at it and I was like, that's covered in mold. He was just gonna eat it. Yeah. So I felt like I did a good deed. Um so if you put like how does I know mold can it it's like it can survive a lot, but can can mold survive a toaster? Yeah. Yeah. I mean like what ki what type of heat do we have to to deactivate or kill the mold? I don't I I don't know enough about mold to know if it can be deactivated. It will still be there. But you're saying whether it's dangerous. Yeah. Like if you if you put mold, a moldy piece of bread in a microwave for f a minute, bad news, guys. That's probably still living. Dosting bread is not going to kill the mold. Uh that's that's all you got terrible. Mold can survive. Oh, is how hot does it toaster get? What about microwave? Uh let me I'm on it. Hold it. Someone answered How hot Like someone's just got the answer. Oh, it's usually like 285 degrees. It says about 500 degrees. And molds like no problem? It can go up to that. Yeah, I mean mold . Dang. Mold's cool. Mold's got they got it going on. Most molds are usually killed by heat at temperature between 140 and 160 degrees. I mean, come on. Toaster's got that covered. I would think so. But it's how long it's at that temperature. That's what normally makes a difference. Is how long it's it's I mean a a minute? Right? I don't know. I I see I see uh people questioning why does it so hard to kill mold. I see that. This says while toasting can kill the mold, it does not neutralize the toxins that the mold produces. Ah, there we go. Okay. Yeah, because you could kill always toxic. Yeah. Like if you kill something, it could be dead, like a plant, but the plant could you eat that plant, you're still gonna die. Right. If it's a poisonous frog. Right. The frog can be killed. Does it hold on? I'm on it. You can't eat the toasted frog. You can toast a frog. No. A toaster will not kill frog venom. Frog will f it won't kill frog venom? No. It'll kill a frog. Yeah, the frog's toast . How long can you toast a frog without it dying ? Uh Okay . Toasting the frog without causing harm or death is not feasible or ethical. Just so you know. That's good advice. Who's the party po oper over there? Frogs are living creatures with sensitive skin and delicate biology. Subjecting them to heat or any form of quote toasting can can quickly lead to severe stress, injury, or death. Um, so don't do that. Well, what if the frog was already dead? Because people eat frogs. You know what I mean? I'm not buying a frog to kill it to eat it. But if I want a frog legs Do you want to toast them? I would rather than raw. Do the French have a fancy frog cooking machine? The French? Well that's where they you eat frog legs Yeah. They've got so much good food. Why are they doing that? Oh, they got snails. That's cargo. And baguettes. Don't you know anything about the French and Monsieur? I'll be honest, I was kind of conflating the French and the Italians in my head for a minute. Like the Italians wouldn't be caught dead with frog legs, right? Yeah. I really do. I genuinely do. If anyone can get me to Italy I'm I'm open. I would love to I would love to go to Italy. Let's go. I'm gonna eat a ton of fresh pasta. You want to go? Right now? Yeah, Mike, you got this? I guess I'm going to France. Um no, you got to do the show. Uh Cora from Patreon, we answered your question. Brynn from Patre on, your local wizard appears. Oh, I'm not a key in . Your local wizard appears has announced. Oh, great job. Uh Al, why don't you read this one? Typos mean you get to read them. Your local wizard appears and he has announced that he is sending you back to your freshman year of high school, but he will give you your choice of the following gifts. Okay. Would you rather have insane top tier athleticism that ensures you are the starter at whatever position you want? Oh man. Perfect charm that attracts your crush and easily persuades others. Already had it. Go on. Uh or academic genius that easily has you graduating at the top of your class. Athlete. Yeah. It's definitely athlhleteete. At done deal. Athlete will come with the other things. Yeah, yeah. The grades will start to look better when the when my coaches uh the girls. You're dumb as a rock, you have no charm. It's like you're the quarterback. Yeah, check this charm out. Swish . Yeah, exact. Very charming. I'm going athlete. Yeah, and since I already had the charm, the only thing left is academic. Uh so I I think I'm good here. Mike, what are you picking? Uh in the face Mike gave you. Athlete is You were my high school, you knew. I knew you didn't have the academics. I met you in a freshman Spanish class. Yeah. You were missing that one. One uh I mean the the athletics is really appealing, but man, had to have just unlimited charisma . Dude, it's awesome. It's not Mike. It is everything. It's the one I would have picked. Not just you trying to to to pull in the ladies. I mean you you can easily persuade others. So it worked on teachers . It wor it from faculty to janitors to upperclassmen. What in the world happened? I got fat, man. Uh I got I got married, went downhill, let myself go. I just stopped . I'm on my way back. I'm I'm gonna get we're all in big trouble here. Well no, it's gonna be good for you. My charm's gonna you know, rising tide . So we're we're gonna we're gonna be good. Okay. This has become something different . I think uh which one are you gonna take? I think I'm gonna take the charm. Okay. It would be You would have to talk to other people though. Not much. That's part of it. Not much. Oh, you just got one line or something in there? It's just per Do you that's not very charming. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. My cause I'm rolling Nat twenties all the time. I I wonder if you would enjoy those moments and talking to people more if you were just naturally charming. Okay. This is turned into the weirdest would you rather self grandization? No, it just it runs on nitro. So it's like the the gas tank burns out real fast. Oh, so you can just you can turn it on, but it's expensive. Once a year . All right. Brian from Patreon, would you rather have everything you say be perceived as unintelligent or be perceived as insinc ere ? Oh man. Insincere is a weird descriptor. Like, that's not like you're never I have actually I have a couple people that I know they cannot maybe that's not really insincere, but they can't they can't say something sincere. They can't say something without it being tongue in cheek or a joke. Aaron Powell So there's there's also another side of being insincere, you know, you th th that you just feel like people are are really fake. You just feel like everything they do, uh how they act, their laugh, their niceness, whatever it is, is just it's all phony. It's for show. I can't stand that. But if you're if you're perceived as unintelligent or insincere, one of them seems more contrived and one seems accidental . Unintelligent is like, well, that's who I am. Yeah. I I I like Deucer's Alley, right? Go to Deucer's Alley. I'm I like all three of those guys. You know? And they're they I will be dumb. I I would definitely too choose the dumb. Because I I think if I if I look at it as someone else, you you don't know you're dumb. Exactly. I currently think you're really smart. I think I'm so smart, guys. Yeah. Okay. Most And I'm happy. Yeah, there there is a good part. Maybe. Maybe you're happy. Now, here's the thing. There are dumb people that you like, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you view them like everything they say as unintelligent. Yeah, that's fair. So this question is even worse. This question is. Oh my gosh. Yeah. What an idiot. No, you can't watch a YouTube video and remove a gallbladder. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like that's what I mean. Like that's really unintelligent to to think that. Umh I'm gonna be insincere. Am I getting no smiles back there? Oh Josh is Papa Josh didn't like that joke. You were getting smiles from the two people that you weren't referring to. Um go to Papa Josh real quick. Papa Josh, do you believe that if you watched a YouTube video of how to remove a gallbladder, you could successfully and safely perform a gallbladder surgery. Easily. And I believe he's sincere. You said you could land a plane. We'll move on. Uh Mateo The plane basically lands itself. Mateo from the website. Would you rather what happened? Would you rather have to awkwardly tickle everyone you say goodbye to. No. Or be tickled by everyone who says goodbye to you. You have to pick I mean you can't pick tickling people. Would you want to assault people? You can't pick tickling people. There's none of us are ticklin'. Especially people you just met. I mean you say goodbye to pe Oh, nice to meet you. I'm not the Pillsbury Doughboy. Like you cannot awkward ly tickle people you say rub on the way out. Oh my no the the touchy feely people out there they exist where they're just you know they they they don't have the social bubble that everyone No, and they get so close. They're so close and the people that are so close they're handsy too. Um I know we used to go to lunch at a place where there was my Yeah, you already know there was a waitress. Yeah. She was a she was a nice waitress. Oh my gosh. She I mean you knew whose order it whose turn it was 'cause she's rubbing your back. It's like it's not appropriate. It was very no imagin ing. No imagination . I like I wanted the pizza. I didn't want the the the side. Oh man. Man, I I have a social bubble people. I was so happy to not remember that. I know. That was that was it was like we I mean they had great pizza, so it's like oh man. I hope I hope they're not working today. I'm gonna go to the restroom, get me a slice of six wings. Uh oh my gosh. All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back with some ballard dash . Royal Caribbean takes next level to another level. Go all in on the world's boldest ships. World-class dining, and the largest water parks at sea. And just when you think it couldn't get any better, you'll stop at our award-winning private island, Perfect Day Coco Kay. It's an unreal adventure for every one in the family. Book today at Royal Caribbean.com. Big time, best time, all the time. Come seek the Royal Caribbean. Ships Registry Bahamas. What's going on, everybody ? I have a busy life. We have three kids. They are always all over the place, and it is hard to find time to cook a healthy meal instead of just clicking that button and getting something nasty delivered to your house. And uh we've all had long days when that hunger kicks in and we want that healthy meal. And um, well, it's not in the fridge. And that's where Factor comes in. We were using Factor, our family, since before they were even a sponsor of the show. We're talking fully prepared meals that my son steals most of. Uh, designed by dietitians, crafted by chefs, delivered to your door. We've been subscribed for years now. They are fresh, never frozen. They go right into our refrigerator. Tons of great variety. We grab them. It's two minutes per meal. And stuff that we actually enjoy that tastes great. There are more than 100 options every single week. We've got pro like I I'm'm on a protein meal plan. I can order m protein meals that I absolutely love uh and we've been doing that for a long time. Head to factormeals.com slash ballers fifty off and use the code BALLERS50Off to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only. While supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details. What time is it? Game time . All right. Uh we have been given five prompts from five different categories . Ballers gave uh we gave Al our answers prior to the show. He's going to go ahead and read our answers along with the real answer. It's our job to identify whether what basically what the real answer is. We've never explained the game properly in our life. You've never showed any of them. You will get two points if you guess the correct answer, uh, and one point if an opponent guesses your answer. And those five categories are definition, notable person, acronym, movie plot, and weird laws. Alright. Sounds good. Alright, we're gonna start with that definition. The word is pogo nip P O G O N I P pogo nip. Pogonip . Is that a thick fog that forms in deep valleys during the winter? The tiny remaining pieces when a sugary liquid crystallizes or a pungent smelling bush that grows in the Ozar ks. Dang man I like the Ozarks part . So a thick fog o nip. Fog Canadi uh the Canadian uh short blizzard blizzard the pieces of the liquid. The crystallized sugars. Yeah, or or the boosh in the Ozarks. I'm taking the Ozarks. Don't do we do we rotate? Is that how we normally? Yeah, yeah. Alright, I'll start then. I'm gonna take the Ozarks. Okay. So then I'm up next? Mm-hmm . Uh pog anip. I don't think Canadians would say Poganip . Poganip. Say it like a Canadian one. Poganip. Uh Pogonip. Yeah, don't want. to pogo Pogo nip. That's better. Uh I'm gonna go with that one. I'm gonna go with the Canadian one. Really? That one's fun. Oh man. I was gonna go sugar crystals, but the way that Andy said it when he was reading it back, made me think it was his. I I I like the answer the best. I'm gonna go sugar crystals . You guys are all getting one point for somebody guessing each one of your answers. Nobody guessed the correct answer. Was the fog? Was the thick fog fog that forms in deep valleys during the winter. That's a pogo night. I was the I was the Canadian one. Yeah. Mike was the sugar crystals and Jason was the Ozark of us. Wow. Nice. The I knew what the Ozarks and there. I was like this, is that's too much. All right. I was hoping it was yeah. All right. What's the next one? A notable person? That is correct. And our notable notable person is Frank Bennett. Oh Frank Bennett Bennett. What was Frank Bennett known for? Was he a man known for having hands larger than his forearms? Come on, man. Not a real thing. The first person to circumnavigate the globe on a boat with no sails of any kind. Well, it's just rowing . That people have so people on a motor maybe. I know that there have been people who have taken like a canoe globally, but then you see the canoe and you're like, that's not a cano e that's a big boat. Alright. Uh was Frank Bennett known for inventing the milkbone dog biscuit? Okay, dog biscuits. Or was Frank Bennett a doo-op singer from the uh from the fifties that had a run of number one hits. No, I mean I uh obviously when when this came across, 'cause we've all made up one of these answers. Uh huh. We all want it Frank Bennett sounds like some old what are they the crew. Yeah, rap hat Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett. Yeah, exactly. So, no, it's not that one. Because I didn't. I was like, don't be a singer. Don't be a crooner. This is this can't be that obvious. I'm with you on that. So I guess you get us lock yours in first. gosh. Okay, so it's not the doo wop one. Uh we got dog biscuits, we got the boat and the hands bigger than the forearms? Yeah. Yep . I don't care if it's right. I'm gonna take the hands. That can't be it because that can't exist. That can't be a real no one has ever had a hand being a forehand. I don't care. It's too funny. It's too funny. I'm gonna go with dog biscuit in my hand. That's I'm gonna go dogbone. I'm gonna go dogbone. All right. The correct answer was inventing the milk bone dog biscuit. All right. I thought for sure my laughing of the hands would get you to get the. I was gonna say Jason laying on thick the his own his own uh person. He made up the uh hands larger than the forearms. Yeah. That was you. So Jason, I believe, gets three that round, and he getswo . No, I do want to see a man with Mike picked his. No. I didn't pick. No, I picked the hands. Yeah, that's Jason's. Yeah, that's fine. So Jason gets one point for that and two points for the correct answer. Beautiful. Okay. Good work. All right. Amazing. So we are moving on to the acronym. The acronym is C B A . Mm-hmm is CBA, the Chocolate Berry Association. Come on, man. Is it callback artists? What? Okay. Catholic Basketball Association ? Or Christian Bodybuilding Association. Um Okay. Jason's first. I'm gonna go chocolate berries. Delicious. Callback artist . Uh I will go the Catholic one. You guys have done it again. You each get one point for guessing somebody else's answer. The real one was the Christian Bodybuilding Association. Oh my god. I felt like because there was both a Christian and a Catholic , like that was just where our our minds went and that I almost went uh I invented the Catholic Basketball Association. I almost went the Christian basketball association. Oh that would have been very close. But that would have been weird. All right. So Mike was the chocolate berry. Uh Jason was the callback artist. Andy was Catholic basketball. You each get one point there. We did it again, boys. When you have an acronym and the last one is A. It's like Association. How do you I you can't think of a possible other word. That's fair. So uh through the first three, we are sitting with Jason with five points, Andy with four points, Mike with two points, and we are moving on to the movie plot. Oh boy, these are fun. The name of the movie is All the Way Boys. All the way. I don't know how how to inflict that properly, but it's All the Way, comma, Boys. All the Way, Boys. Alright. I got you. Is that a war drama set in the hills of eastern Poland and the first movie to feature actors that were actual veterans in World War II . All the way, boys. Was it a documentary on Sweden's men's volleyball gold medal trip in nineteen ninety six. Okay. Volleyball, Swedish volleyball? an airplane in the Andes Mountains. There's no way one of you guys didn't come up with the word bumbling. There's no way. I'm not voting for that one. And lastly is all the way boys, a group of childhood friends makes a pact to join the police together, but their family dynamic I know you read these from small cards, man. I just can't believe that that that answer can fit on it. What was that last one again? A group of childhood friends makes a pact to join the police together, but their family dynamic is rattled when one of them makes captain, leaving the others behind. Right next to Bumbling. So I'm I now I'm like leaning towards the war drama or the last one. Man, could people I mean I feel like having actual survivors it was that was that World War One World War Two. Okay. W A war drama set in the hills of eastern Poland and the first movie to feature actors that were actual veterans in World War Two. All the way, boys. Uh I I guess I'll go that stupid long one at the end, but I am on the edge. Alright. Andy is going with the police one. A friend's police one. Police one . You're up, Mike. I know. They're all really bad. Including my own. I'm gonna go . Uh I'll just pick the one I like the most. It's the Swedish volleyball team. There you go. I'm gonna go with the Andes Mountain uh bumbling. Was that the bumbling? Uh that is correct. Yeah. A couple bumbling adventures, crash land on an airplane into the Andes Mountains. Yeah. That is the correct answer. Woo! So Jason's gonna get three points because Mike also guessed his answer was of the Sweden . It was the funniest one. All the way, boys! Mine was too serious. And wasn't funny enough. Mike is gonna get one point because Andy guessed Mike's answer of the police friendship. Not in a documentary series, in a drama, they're gonna have actual people from World War II,. like Like how old are they in this drama? It was filmed really quite quite soon after. Movies in the fifties and the forties. There were there's definitely some World War II people that got into the movie business, man. It was a very believable ans wer. All right, we're going into the fifth round. Is it double points? Jason is a strong favorite. It's not double points, but in the last round. And he can still tie it up if he gets it correct and both people guess his answer. Ooh. Uh we got Jason with eight, Andy with four, Mike with three, who is, I believe, no longer in this competition. Uh the weird Andy. The weird law. In Helena, Montana, an old law stated that a woman could only dance on a table if she was a little . What is it? Helena? Yeah. There you go. Like Helena Troy. Alright. In Helena, Montana, an old law stated that a woman could only dance on a table if she was over the age of fifty Okay. Wearing over three pounds of clothing. Three pound Okay. The weight of the clothing? Wearing athletic footwear. Okay. Okay. Or celebrating her engagement. Not the marriage . Okay. Over fifty three pounds of clothing is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Yeah, because the only way that you know if it's legal or not is we gotta weigh those clothes, won't you? Yeah, that's that's inappropriate. Why don't you put those clothes over on this? That's there's a there's a problem there. Absolutely not. Um but also that's the answer. They'll take the three pounds. Well, you know what? I'm gonna give Andy a shot here. I will take 'cause if I guessed anything other than three pounds, then Andy can't win. Right. But I like that answer the best because you have to take the clothes off to measure it. Makes no sense, so I will guess three pounds. It is potential that if that is Andy's answer he can win. Andy, what are you going with? Uh I'll do the athletic footwear. The correct answer was wearing over three pounds of clothing. Oh my. So Jason and Mike each get uh two points for that and then Mike actually gets one more point for the wearing athletic footwear which was his answer. Yeah, there you go. You passed it. We're gonna find out. Second place. Never followed. Jason with ten. Mike with six. Wow, ten. That's dominated four. Who made these rules? It was an old law in Helena Montana You gotta weigh yourself before and after you put your clothes on? I guess. Okay. We'll take your back with the draft. What's going on, Spitwads? If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear every day, Quince can help with that. They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable, and still put together. The fabrics feel elevated and the fits Fun story. Uh I've been buying from Quentin for a long time and they've been working with the show. Love 'em. Yeah, you they've got all sorts of great stuff. Like think about a hundred percent European line shorts and shirts. We wear only shorts out here for $34 , that type of stuff. I go into our closet and lo and behold, there is a box from Quince. My wife had separately found them and started buying from them. That's how good the products are um because it's 50 to 80 percent less than what you'd find with similar brands quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middleman legitimately a great company a great product. I love everything i've gotten from Quince. Uh, the specific shirts and shorts that I absolutely love. Those are my favorites. So comfortable. Um, and in Arizona, you need comfortable shorts all the time. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince dot com slash spitballers for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty five day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash Spitballers for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash spitballers. Power Ballad is the miracle movie of the summer. That's what a good song can do. Has the ability to mean many different things to many different people. Critics are raving. It's John Carney's best film since once and the feel-good hit of the year . This song changed my life. Paul Rudd and Nick Jonas strike a perfect chord. That's my song. I wrote it. It's a masterpiece. Made to watch with a big crowd. Power ballad in theaters everywhere, June 5th. Rated R under 179 and middle without parent. The Spitballer's Draft. We are drafting things that are clear . All right? Okay. That's that's what we've been told. We're drafting things we things that are clear . And I have the first pick. Oh man. You lucky dog. I know. There's a clear one on one. Oh, I see what you did . I 'm clear I have kind of two things that I that came to mind when I thought about things in the world that are clear that I would want to draft. And so I had a first thought, and then I had a second thought, and I'm going to go with the second th ought . There's an expression crystal clear, and it applies to my pick diamonds. Ooh, picking diamonds. It's not a bad, it's not a bad it's one on one, but it's not a bad bit. One of the factors of evaluating a diamond. So It's one of the uh one of the C's. One of the C's, huh? Yeah. So I'm gonna go with diamonds. I I feel like that's a diamond. It's on the list. It is a good answer. It's probably the most valuable of everything that's gonna be drafted. Yeah. Or else get off that table. Mike, you are up. I thought you were gonna take my pick. Which is clearly and obviously a crystal ball. Oh, the one on one falls to me. Yeah, it's a one on one in the clear draft, Jason. Congratulations. Enjoy your boring pick. I'll take a crystal ball, baby. It's on my list. I like it a lot. So we both chose crystals. You both chose clear things. Yeah, but I mean both crystal clear. Yeah. Jason, what are you thinking? Well, I'm gonna take the thing that we can't live without it. We will literally die without water, and if you think about clear things, I'm taking H2O. Yeah . Yeah. Snooze Fest. And now for my second pick, for my second pick, I am also taking to O take ice. No. I am taking a perfectly clear large cube of ice. I have tried for years to perfect this. I have stopped a Jason answer. I have this is this is an important. I just want to I want to make sure I understand. I made a joke about you being basic and you're going to take ice, and you said no. Clear ice. No. I said clear large cubed ice. There's a difference, Mike. I have spent I have spent a lot of time, money, energy, and effort to try to create perfectly clear , large cubes for my whiskey glasses. Yeah, how do they do it? It is darn near impossible. You basically have to either do it inside of a cooler inside of a freezer, or you have to actually have a giant block of ice and you chop it down into the the cubes. It's so hard, which is why when I go to restaurants and all of them seem to have it, I'm like, how do you do this? Do you want to know how they do it? I I know I asked them. They artisan ice. Yeah, there are company here that's a there are companies I started just buying 'em. There are companies like Kristoff? There are companies that make millions of dollars a year manufacturing ice and cutting it into small cubes and selling it and shipping it. Worth it. It's impossible to do on your own. Now wait, wait, it doesn't make the drink more cold. It 's just something for you to look at. Well, it looks better, but it drinks it makes the drink not too cold. Because if you put ice in there it, just dilutes. But what but what if it was a foggy piece of ice? Yeah, that's what I was saying. The f the fog doesn't affect your drink. It it uh well, no, I I disagree. I think that there is a visual and ar aromatic uh a taste. There all of these come in to But the aromatic is affected by the fogginess of the ice? The visual is affected by the fogginess of the ice. The visual doesn't affect the ice. So you see the smell? If I look at something and I think it looks appetizing, it is likely to taste better than if I look at something unappetizing. This looks fancy. It looks regal. My nose is in the air, sure. But I I mean, this is when I when I tried to put a list together of like clear things He forgot he wasn't drafting with the guys from his smoking lounge. Can you like the water has to make a difference. The water does make a difference. Arizona water is just w it's the worst. It's the it's the worst water imaginable. It's like little pebbles. I mean you I feel like I have to replace shower heads every couple of years 'cause they're just they're clogged. They're just you can't you spray straight anymore. Man. Um, Mike, you are back on the clock. All right. You lucky dog. Uh so shoot. Water ice are frozen water are gone. Available. Also, steam's not clear, so all water is completely gone. Oh man. I messed up. Big time. Yeah, you did. I mean you guys had picks before me. Uh let's see. I just want to make sure that it's clear. Well it's just it like is this the w the pick that I want to go with I?'m gonna go with um I'm gonna take an NBA backboard. Oh I that was that was like my sneaky pick that I thought was gonna get back to me. Well maybe you shouldn't have taken Ice Well no he did not take Ice. Oh yeah, Andy. Big, huge giant, clear ice. A perfectly clear large cube of ice. Yes, I did. And it's a great He doesn't get the perfectly clear part at the front of it. But I I have tried and my issue We're all dropped the clear side. Okay, no, then I can I fix my perfectly clear diamond, please. I would like to take a better diamond. An unpainted clear NBA backboard. Perfect. Right it is. Also known as plexiglass. The clear should be implied here. Yeah. Um NBA backboard. You get you take that word clear out of the dock, Jeremy. Um nonsense. I'll give him large. I'm not giving I'm not going perfectly clear though. Get that out of there. I agree. I ag ree completely . Um I'll do it myself. Also no paragraphs is your answer. Um my two my two questi uh my two answers here. I'm gonna go with jellyfish. Oh that's uh that's where I was. I was really torn of do I go jellyfish or backboard? Which one will make it back? And it was not the jellyfish. But a cool one to look at. Right? How are they doing sense? How are they? Is the question. Yeah. Yeah. How are they? What are they? What are they? What are they ? Um They don't make sense. No. And they eat things. Tell me about what ? That's so weird. So so if they eat something you can see it. Yeah, I I suppose. Like it's like when the blob does it disappear or you can you could just like it what do they eat? Do they eat like a shrimp? Too small. I don't know how it works. No one does. Papa Josh mine. Oh, a marine biologist. Talk to us about jellyfish. Those things are weird, man. They're aliens. Good answer. Good answer. All right, for my There was a chapter on it. That's all it said. For my third one , I am going to dip into Jason's, you know, territory here. Ooh . I'm going to take vodka . Oh, okay. I'm gonna take vodka. So diamonds, jellyfish, and vodka. That's my world. All right, Mike. Now perfectly clear vodka is what I'm talking about. Well don't also top shelf. Don't forget that. Yeah, we're not taking things that are foggy. What do you want? A plastic bottle? Uh okay, so I'm back up. Yes, you have a crystal ball and an NBA backboard. I'm gonna take contact lenses. Oh, come on, man. That was the only thing left on my list I liked. They're incredible. Yeah. Also very clear. They have to be. Are they incredible as more of a mythology to you because you can't wear them so they seem more special than they really are? No, I th I think that you can put it inside your eyelid and that it's okay. That that's that's fine. And it for the most part stays in place. Just hugs your eyeball. Even while you move your eye, like you can see. And now your vision's fine. It blows my mind. Now this is um today was the the day that you learn that when they give you an IV they don't put a needle then keep the needle into your vein. I didn't know that until today. And honestly a lot of people listening are about to learn that. Um we because even at our lunch table there were there were a handful of us that were unaware. I always thought that the needle s you know goes in the IV and then stays there and they tape it down and whatever. But apparently when they put the needle in, it's more like a catheter, they take the needle out and they just leave a little tube in there. It's a soft, flexible little tube. Oh, it still makes me cringe, but that is so much better. It's impressive. It will help your future. I i I think. I if I ever have to get an IV again, it will not hurt it. It will help, but I will still be a big baby. All right, contact lenses, Mike. Uh Jason, you have water and a large cube of ice. Great picks, man. And you said you have so many others on your list of clear things that you're in love with. So many. That I could go with. I have four different options on the rest of my list. Well, you only need two. How many rounds we want to go? Um just just a large circle of ice. I'm gonna go with something that protects us every day. I'm going with the car windshield. Oh. Because without it I I'd yeah. Okay. I thought you were going a little bit bigger there. Yep, me too. Me too. Well, like how much bigger? Well, we'll we'll tell you after the answer. No, just tell me what you thought I was gonna pick. A lot bigger. A lot bigger. Significantly bigger. Yeah. It's like big as the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one. Like I don't know what it is. Atmosphere. Well we're sort of like that. But it's around there. Oxygen. Oh yeah. Okay . Uh he's looking for something other than whatever number four on that list is. I don't know if we're doing a bit . I think Mike thought it was oxygen. No. No. No . No. We're we're both doing a bit. I don't I don't have a clue. I wonder if the listeners know Oh they know . I I I hope they know. I hope they know. I hope it's your next one. Okay, two thirds. All right, the young buck doesn't know. It protects Well, he has less than we had . Well no, we're we're fixing it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I have no idea. what it is You better take it. Just take your pick. Uh uh, give me Sprite. It's clear. Whatever . That's fine. Uh Mike can decide if he wants to take it. U h I uh it wasn't even on my list. I know. I d I think we pass on it. Okay . Okay. I just know how the Falcon is feeling right now and how a lot of people driving are feeling like what is the thing? Look, I got one left over now. I'm gonna take packing tape . You should have taken you should have taken the other one that we were just saying. You mocked my perfectly clear large cube ice and you took packing tape. What is wrong with packing tape? Nothing's wrong with it. It's just pretty lame. Oh, okay. You th uh I mean it's cool. It works. It's sticky. But it's not not bor ing. Yeah. Okay. Are you pretty into it? Yeah.
This excerpt was generated by Smart Features
Listen to Spitballers Comedy Podcast in Podtastic
For listeners, not advertisers
All podcast names and trademarks are the property of their respective owners. Podcasts listed on Podtastic are publicly available shows distributed via RSS. Podtastic does not endorse nor is endorsed by any podcast or podcast creator listed in this directory.