Performing a New Song Style

Hey how you doing Christmas Podcats? It's Adam Buxton here on a very cold Christmas Eve. I'm here with Rosie. Say hello Rosie. Don't patronise me, thank you. I apologise. Now look, pre-jingle , I'm gonna start with a message from Ben Jackson who says, Hi Adam, this year I've become the leader of a new male voice choir in Falmouth, Cornwall. We're called the Many Men Sound System, and we're a highly non-toxic group of men who sing a wide range of tunes from Jefferson Airplane to Hot Chip. And I conduct while holding a synth slash drum machine which gives us an unexpected electronic edge. I don't think any of us expected that Ben. He continues, one of the things I've done this year as a warm-up slash icebreaker is I've adopted your theme song and arranged it for the choir. Basically, people say their names and then everyone else joins in with he's a man . Here's a couple of examples. My name is Ben Jackson. He's a man . He wants you to enjoy this taster plan My name is Paul Lyden. He's a man . He wants you to enjoy this , that's the plan. There you go. Ben continues. I've also done a full arrangement of your intro song with electronic backing, which we filmed and I've put it up as an unlisted YouTube video. There's a link in the description if you'd like to see them in action. All the best Adam, thanks for all your stuff. Hey thanks, Ben. So here is the many man sound system from Cornwall to play us in for the Christmas Podcast 2025. He added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin . Now you have plugged that podcast out and started listening. He took his microphone and found some human folk and he recorded all the noises while they spoke His name is Adam Buxton, he's a man He wants you to enjoy this stuff Hey, thank you very much. The highly non-toxic many-man sound system. And a very Merry Christmas to all of you podcats wherever and whenever you happen to be listening to this, I hope this podcast finds you well. My wife informed me the other day she doesn't like that phrase. Do you ever use that at the top of an email? I do. I hope this email finds you well. I quite like it. She doesn't like it, she thinks it's pointless and annoying. I thought that was a very strong opinion to have about starting an email with I hope this finds you well. Anyway, there you go. That's my br and. Welcome to another pointless and annoying Christmas podcast. Wow, it's cold out here in Norfolk on a farm track on Christmas Eve 2025. I'm feeling uplifted on a number of levels. I like this time of year on the whole . And also today I had a very special thing happen, which was that yesterday at Castle Buckles , we were forced by my daughter to have a party for her and her friends. She's 17 years old, and so that's the age group you're dealing with there . As any parent of teenage children knows, hosting a party for around 60 or 70 of them guys is generally unrelaxing. This was a great group of people, I have to say. But when we were clearing up this morning in the barn where the party happened and that's my main base of operations there across the way , there's a lot of my knickna-ckks and bits and pieces belonging to my parents are still around that area . And one of them is a small ceramic statue of Jesus Christ. And it belonged to my mum. She was quite religious. And I kept it on top of a shelf beneath the picture of Neil Armstrong on the moon . And you see it when you come in through the door to the barn. But this morning, no Jesus. And of course there were a few other things that had been moved around or were missing. And I got a little bit sad about the idea that Jesus had been removed , especially because it belonged to my mum . And I was thinking, what are they gonna do with Jesus? Anyway, my daughter phoned around and just an hour or two ago she came into my nutty room where I was editing the podcast and she said the phrase that I never realized I would be so happy to hear from my teenage child . Dad , I found Jesus . For some reason JC had been relocated to a outside wall. I don't know why what they were doing, but anyway, I hope it brought them some joy and it certainly made me happy to be reunited with Jesus. Now look I don't really need to spend time introducing my guest for this episode number two hundred and sixty-eight but before we get into the festive waffle party with cornballs, I just have a few bits of exciting news for you. Headline: the Adam Buxton band are touring a selection of intimate venues in the UK. So if you didn't get a chance to see us this year, then I hope you can come out and enjoy some great great music, tracks from my album Buckle Up, plus a few wonderful covers and uh other bits and pieces with myself and various members of Metronomy. That's gonna be fun , but as I say, they're fairly small venues, so get in there fast. There's a link in the description. I was a guest on a couple of other podcasts recently talking about the album and those episodes have now dropped. I'm on the Tape Notes podcast once again , hosted by DJ John Kennedy and myself and Joe Mount, the producer of Buckle Up, Joe Mount from Metronomy, chatted with John about how a few of the tracks from that album came together. We played some outtakes and some weird bits and pieces, it was good fun, and I talked about some of the other tracks on the record on Soda Jerker. That's another podcast I really love, Soda Jerker on Songwriting. It's hosted by two songwriters from Liverpool, Simon Barber and Brian O'Connor. And they have got an archive filled with over 300 episodes with incredible guests. Recent people on that podcast have included MacDemarco, Black Country New Road, Sharon Van Etten, Suggs, Self Esteem, Labby Siffrey, Graham Nash, The Last Dinner Party, Richard Thompson , Sleeta Kinney, Damon Olbarn, they've all been on there. And now Adam Buxton has been on there. Anyway, links in the description to Soda Jerker and Tape Notes Podcasts. Alright, nearly there. One more thing before we get going. It is time to appeal very briefly to your festive generosity in support of a few organiz ations that are trying to make the world a better place. If you're able to support just one of these, I'd be grateful. But hey look, if you're a wealthy podcat who would love to show your appreciation for the podcast in some way, why not go nuts and donate generously to all three of these. There's some links in the description to the international humanitarian organiz ation Médecins sans frontières or MSF aka Doctors Without Borders. There's also the Music for All charity. They work with disadvantaged individuals and with community groups helping them access music-making opportunities. Help them pass on the magical healing gift of music And finally it would be great if you could support Saint Mungo's. Homelessness and rough sleeping are sadly at their highest levels since records began. It's a terrible thing to see, but what can we do? Well, one thing is you could join me in supporting St. Mungo's. They're out there on the frontline every day. They're there right now helping thousands of people, and your donation could provide someone who is sleeping rough with access to emergency accommodation, a hot meal, or whatever they need. Donations also help keep St. Mungo's teams out on the front line. You'll find a link in the description to Mung os.org/slash Buxton where you can find out more and donate what you can. It would be a wonderful Christmas gift not just to St. Mungoes and the people they help but, to me too. Merry thank you. Okay, let's get to the festive waffle with Joe Cornball's Cornish, who I sat down with a couple of weeks ago as I speak, in mid-December 2025, and we caught up a little, exchanged a few gifts, and read out some jokes from the podcast. Thank you so much if you sent bits and pieces in. Apologies if we didn't get to yours. I will be back for a brief good bye at the end of the podcast. And I might give a few shout-outs to some of the messages we didn't get round to, but which I particularly enjoyed. But right now with Joe Cornish, here we go, ho ho ramble chat a Christmas ramble chat Bro Christmas on this then concentrate on that Component and have a ramble jazz post on your fluffy winter coach and try no Santa hat Yeah yeah yeah Oh, it's so cozy in here, or it will be cozy when we light the fire. Are you gonna light the fire? I'm gonna light the fire. What are you using to burn? Well, I'm using uh s the opposite of smokeless coal. Uh-huh. Extra smoky coal. It's like smoky bacon. Yeah. It's very, very bad for the environment. Is it chili flavoured? It's chili flavoured Pringles, smoky coal. It comes in tubes. Tubes of uh tubes of coal blocks. And then also I'm gonna burn rare trees. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like endangered ones. You know what I'm gonna burn? What? Books. That's very au current for the current global political climate. This is a very topical Christmas fire. It is and very festive. Who cares about books? Come on. I mean look, I like audio books. I don't know about you. Do you? Yeah. Are they flammable? My ones are. They're so incendiary. Uh a lot of your writing is very incendiary. Well some people disagree. Uh a friend of ours forwarded a a little mention that in the times, I think, of my audiobook. And it was in a collection of audiobooks you should write. This is I Love You Buy. volume of memoirs. And it was generally a positive mention, but there was one line that said the book is really quite light. Mm-hmm. That's not a bad thing. Is it not? People love light. They don't want heavy things. It didn't sound very positive. I was just thinking like I poured my flipping guts out. Yeah. There's some of my guts are in that audio book and the actual pages of the physical. But you're up against a lot of very depressing biographies. A lot of people who've really suffered terrible things in their lives. Yeah, that's true. And you haven't done too badly, comparatively speaking. Both my parents died. Yeah, but that does happen. They both died. I'm an orphan. Did they kill each other? They would have done if they'd lived a bit longer. That would have made better that would have been a bit heavier . That's true. Okay, it's nice and cozy. The books are really going up lovely. Oh they burn so well those books. Especially the really dry ones . The sort of textbooks, the poetry, the science books. Yeah. So they're going up beautifully. Yeah, some of them back when I used to read books in the bath, that doesn't it? Yes. And they burn so much better because the air gets between the pages. Yeah. Well it's very warm and it's very Christmassy. We should say Merry Christmas to uh the listeners, shouldn't we? I mean I probably will have said Merry Christmas in the intro. Yeah, but we should say it. Oh, okay, from us. I should say it. Merry Christmas, listeners. Oh that's nice. We're in our Christmas shack. It's a few days before Christmas shall we say. No, we're live. Well is it live? Yeah yeah yeah. I had no idea. Why did I not realise that? What's going on with me? This is live. The intro was recorded on maybe Christmas Eve or something. No wonder. That's why it's so shoddy. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, it this is live on Christmas Day from the Christmas Shack and it's great to be here. And you know that in the last couple of years we've done a live show, haven't we? Speaking of liveness from the Royal Festival Hall. From the Festive Hole Hall. But this year we're not doing it. Why not? Uh well I think you've been doing a lot of live stuff, right? Yeah. This year and you're just a bit lived out. Definitely. Yeah, and we thought we'd go back to the traditional way of doing this podcast, which is when we gave each other presence. Or at least that's what I thought I'd do. Mm-hmm as an excuse. I've got you presents. I've got you presence. Yeah. That's good. But um usually also we do quite a lot of laborious audio. Yes. There's a bit of laborious audio. There's n it it's th there's some fun audio. Good. It's not too laborious. Well, one of them is very laborious. I haven't done any. That's okay. And yeah it's it's it's podcast it's Christmas podcast classic. It's two guys in a room with a fire it's not a real fire, it's an audio fire. In the at the North Pole. In the North Pole? At the North Pole. Up the North Pole. On the North Pole. I impaled on the North Pole What a year. A year of Buckles Media Saturation. A best selling book. All over the TV and radio. I mean for a couple of months there, you were very difficult to avoid. I'm so sorry. You were popping up everywhere like a rash, like a bad stink. But it was a lot of fun and we did a we did a fun thing together in Sheffield, didn't we, at the Sheffield Documentary Festival? That was great. The Dockfest. Sheffield Dockfest. That was fun. We played a load of clips from the Adam and Joe show. Yeah. You were on excellent form, you were very funny. You did a bit of roasting of me and of the clips. Yeah. It was good. Maybe we should do that again. I hope so. Thirtieth anniversary of the Adam and Joe show in december ninety six. So maybe we 'll do something live next year. That would be fun. Because that that was a really enjoyable night. And I went and dug up a load of clips that we haven't shown quite so often. And I even thought that maybe we could do a Redux re-digitize some of the old toy movies and get them all shiny. Like digitally enhance them. Get Peter Jackson to do Titan ic made. Peter? Peter doesn't say mate . Uh he doesn't say mate. No. What does he say? He says chops. He says he says hobbit. Hobbit hobbit. Chops. I haven't asked you about your year. What a year I've had. How It's been a year when everything seemed to take ages to happen. Do you know what I mean? Slow progress on lots of big things. But between all of that, I had a lot of fun. Few holidays. Quite a lot of theatre. Oh. I've seen Matilda the Musical four times. Holy Moses. In one year. No, but I saw it twice last year. Yeah, I saw it twice last year. I saw it once before my daughter was born , once when she was little, and then twice in twenty five. The last time I saw it, can you believe they skipped a whole number? By accident. Well it, d there's a number in that musical where she arrives at the school. Have you seen it? Yeah. It's really good. You remember they slide out this big the gates of the school. It's spectacular. And it's the song where they go through the alphabet very cleverly lyrically, and they're sliding these wooden blocks with A, B, C, D, E, F, G on them and climbing up them. It's brilliant. It's the first big show showcase number. What? There was a blackout, there was a pause slightly longer than usual and, then you were just into Mrs. Trunchball, Miss Trunchbull, and that song, whatever . And the audience kinda didn't notice it, but we noticed it. Yeah. So I went to the lady, one of the ushers at the interval, and said, Hey, did they miss out a song? And she said, Yes. I said, Oh yeah, why? She said, Technical difficulties and I said okay . Are they gonna make an announcement or anything? She said no . Cause you think about it of course, 'cause you then everyone would ask for their money back. That's right. They don't want to draw attention to it. Yeah, but they just had a technical thing and of course the show must go on. Yeah. So they just kept going. But I felt I had a right to ask for maybe I mean they're quite expensive those tickets. Absolutely. Maybe fifteen quid back ? Yeah. Price of the ticket divided by the number of musical numbers. Absolutely. Yeah. You should have said, Oh, okay, well look, there's been a little technical problem with my credit card. Because I appear to have paid the full price for the show that doesn't have one of the main numbers in it. Yes. So if you could just sort that out, that would be great. And do it in like that patronizing, passive aggressive voice. Yes. I'm very good at that. Yeah. The other thing you notice when you go to a musical a lot of a lot of times, like they do those things a lot, right? Eight times a week. Mm-hmm. So like the guy I s guess I shouldn't name names, but one of the characters in it was clearly sort of uh he's spoke in quite a heavy cockney accent. And it's noticeable how relaxed he was becoming and how fast he was doing his lines to the extent that you couldn't really understand what he was saying. And the audience were like they were sort of you this sort of the melody of it was amusing. Yeah. But you're like, Fucking hell, slow down. It was odd. But apparently that's what they do like 'cause the director isn't there every night. So after the press night, and say the first week, things start sort of slipping. Do you know what I mean? And actors start like doing it sort of how they want to do it and not necessarily how the director sort of corralled them into doing it. Come on, guys. Come on, guys. Was this the same night they missed out the song? Uh yeah. Wow.. Yeah, yeah, yeah What else happened? Did they just start like improvising stuff? No, it was pretty good. It's a really, really good show. It's a pretty flawless show. Yeah, of course. But if you do the same thing every night, but like how long's that show been going on? Like ten years? Long years. Six years? A long time. I mean it's kind of mad, isn't it? Sort of like being trapped in an insane like groundhog day. It's not the same cast though. No . I think the Transport Actor's been doing it for a long time. He's really good. Yeah. And Miss Honey's really, really good as well. I mean it's really good. But you do the same thing that often over over and again. Yeah. And it must drive you slightly mental, mustn't it? Oh sure. That's why you have bit of crack. Little bit of crack cocaine. Hey, you know who I met this year and I interviewed him at a book show was Nigel Plana. Yeah, I've worked with Mr. Plana. That's right. He was in Lockwood. Lockwood and Co. Yeah. It was really quite exciting to meet him. Yes. Nice guy. Such a nice guy. We had a greatat ch . I was being interviewed about my book at the same festival. They said look, Nigel Plain is here, he's got a book out. It's called Young Once and it's about his whole career, but it focuses a lot on the amazing comic strip stuff and the young on es. And I said, Yeah, great, I'd love to interview him. And it was really fun. We got along I would say like a house on he likes talking about his uh you know, he's not cagey about talking about the young ones either, which is nice. Yeah, he was very candid . Talked about the bad times as well as the good ones, but in a non depressing way. And he was really funny and sharp, and I had a great moment, the moment you dream of as an interviewer, which I wasn't expecting. At one point I mentioned a bit that I particularly loved from the young ones, that's always stuck in my mind . And in fact I talked to Charlie Brooker about it when Charlie Brooker was on the podcast and we both found that we loved this same bit from the young ones when there's a little comic interlude fantasy sequence or whatever , and it's Nigel Planer and someone else playing some cheesy Las Vegas type entertainers and they're singing Well I'm tying my dog to the railroad track. Does this ring any bells? No. Choo choo train's gonna break his back. They sing this weird sick little song in the style of these Las Vegas crooners. And so I mentioned that to Nigel and said, Oh, I always loved that bit. And he's like, I wrote that bit. And he said, Yeah, that was that was my bit. And I was like, Oh, cool. And then we started singing it together. No, yeah, it was great. So that was a highlight for me this year. Hey, look, we've got presents. Pres y time. Not only do we have presents, but we have messages from you, the podcasts. Thank you so much for sending them in. And made up jokes. And made up jokes, all sorts of bits and pieces of communication. You know, talking of made up jokes, I dreamt a made up joke. Did you? I did, yeah. Do you want to hear it? Yes please. What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of magicians who do heists and smoke heavily? Now this came to me in a dream . Like Frankenstein came to Mary Shelley in a dream. Really? A lot of the metaphysical poets dreamt a lot of their best material. So this is like that. Okay. Things that come to you in dreams are always great. That's true, yeah. Aren't they? I mean not me, no, not for me. Like Freddie Krueger and Robin Williams in the film In Dreams. What dreams may come. Anyway, I'll give you the setup again. Yeah. What do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of magicians who do heists and smoke heavily ? Okay . Now you went now you went for s now you went for se m now you went for see me three. Now you went for see me three. Emphasi me. Not emphasi ma. Now you emphasi now you see me is the the name of the film. Now you went for see me three. In the dream it was really good. For some reason in the dream that little bit at the end wasn't a problem. And it's the idea now you went for CMA three was not doesn't land. No. But now you went for CME three does land. Okay say rhymes. Yeah. That's a fun joke, man. That's always nice to have. It came to me have I made it clear it came to me in a case. In a dream, yes, yes.. Wow You must have woken up and been really excited to because it's quite dark, but it's also very funny. Yeah, it's a lot of my subconscious concerns. I don't smoke, but obviously somewhere deep down, the fact that I used to smoke is sure, of course. Yeah. Pretty good though, huh? Amazing stuff. Amazing. That's really good. Are we gonna have more jokes right now then? Why not? Okay, well that we should do the jingle. I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes. My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks. When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree. Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party . Okay, here's one that really made me laugh. This is from Peter, from the Highlands. And Peter says this was written eighteen years ago whilst interrailing around Eastern Europe. What happens when a badly behaved child from Slovakia falls into a volcano? I don't know. What happens when a badly behaved child falls into a volcano? From Slovakia. Important from Slovakia. Brat is lava. Nice. Brat is lava. Brat the brat becomes lava. Turns into lava having fall into the volcano. Why this year? He pushed a child into a volcano just so he could do that joke. I think it happened accidentally and then he made up the joke so that people would think no he couldn't have done that because he wouldn't have sent that joke in. That good about a crime they've committed. A cold blooded genius. Bratislava . Have you got one? Uh sure I've got one. Let's have a look. La la la la la. Here we go. Dear A B and J C. This year I tried learning French. I did not succeed, but in the process I did come up with some spectacular puns. My worst offence is below. I told it to a French person once, she hasn't spoken to me since, though I believe this to be un related to the joke. Here comes the joke. Are you ready? Yeah. What did the French man say when he was sad that he couldn't find his olive oil? I don't know. I've lost the Will de Live. Oh , it's good. Will to live, said in a French accent. Merry Christmas and by Natalie from April Du Dorn Ap Apel do urn Can you see that? Can you say that? Ap Apel durn I'm finding that harder to say than the actual joke. Which I thought I did very well. Yeah. That's good. And as you know, listeners, the test of these jokes is are they genuinely made up? You know, a lot of the jokes that were sent. One's senses have been told before 'cause they're kind of too obvious. So the sign of a good joke is sort of uh tortured contextualization or the necessity of tortured contextualization. I googled made up jokes the other day 'cause I checked the provenance of some of these. Absolutely. And in so doing I used the phrase made up jokes and I ended up on a Reddit thread and they just called them dad jokes . Well mmm that's flattering to dads. I think that's slightly different, isn't it? Like dad jokes are silly. If you do the etymology of a joke, it's probably from a dad. Why do you think that is? If you're gonna unpack it because dads are making a lot of effort to impress. You know they're not really necessary in any other way Yes, yes. Your mum suckles you and gives birth to you. Yeah, and generally protects and cares for you in your early years. Yeah. Your dad has to justify his existence. So why not cracker corker? Corker cracker? That's a very sexist theory and, it's obviously not true. I don't think it's sexist. If it's sexist, it's sexist against men. Yeah, but it's like the old canard that um you know, women can't do comedy. Oh yeah, but you're not implying that. There's one or two very don't really believe that. No one believes that anymore. Okay. Good. That was good though. Nathan, that was very good. Even though I can't say where you're from. Apple Doon. Google it. I'm gonna Google it. Google it. No one says what's the other search engine? Chat GTP. GPT. GPT . Or my daughter and I call it Jacqueline Peepy . That's a good eggcorn. Shall we ask Jacqueline Peep Pee? Do you check facts? What other games might we also enjoy? That's what we ask Jacqueline Pee Pee. And she always comes up with the goods. And then she does have quite a male voice. Do you have the male voice on chat GPT? I mean if they'd actually have millions of pounds of research to get the most annoying voice. It's a sort of awful sort of Southern Californian laid-back vocal fry voice. How do you turn the voice on? There's a little speaker symbol at the bottom of the app. Appledorn is a city in the Netherlands located in the province of Gelderland. It sits roughly ninety kilometers east of Amsterdam, forty kilometers south of Zwolle, on the edge of the Velua, a large forested nature reserve. It's known for political . You got a nicer voice than me. So there you go, that's how you pronounce Apple Dawn. And it's in the Netherlands. It sounds lovely. Does sound nice. I'd like to be there now. Okay, I made up a joke. Ooh. See what you think of this. Can't believe that no one's ever done this one before. What's the opposite of a hij ack? Oh mmm, I don't know. Bijack. Right. That's good, that's good. Because it flipped the mental imagery in my head. I was thinking of like a low jack. Yes, Loj . And I was still in the sort of cops and robbers million and you just flipped it into just a casual greeting to a guy called Jack. That's why it's such a good joke. No, it's nothing heavy like a Hi Jack. Like a armed heist or anything like that. That's very good. Thank you. That's very good. Well done. It's not as good as now you went for CME three . But it's good. It's not as dark. I made up another one. What? I might have told you this one before. What did the blue pita presenter say when showing the audience how to neuter a cat. You should be able to figure this one out. Come on, Christmas listeners, who can figure this out? It's a fun parlor game for podcast listeners. Say the setup again. What did the blue Peter presenter say when Um here's one I spayed earlier. Yes. That's good. Come on, that's good. Look at that smile. He's smiling. He's smiling a real Santa smile with little rosy cheeks . Pushed up by the buckle smile. That's good. Here's one I spade earlier. I mean that's dark as well, if you actually picture it on an episode of Blue Peter. But they did all sorts of edgy things on Blue Booty in the 70s. But they didn't do that. They didn't do that, but it was a thin line . They didn't do surgery. Pushing presenters off cliffs and showing you how to spay your cat at home. If they carry does Blue Peter still exist? Yes. Does it? I think so, yeah. They probably do that sort of thing now. Probably . Probably. Alright. You'll listening to the Adam Westing podcast Listen when you want Unlike a radio broadcast listen on the train now, on an aeroplane now. Listen in a tractor, form of transport's not a factor. Hello for you. Listen on the first day, with another prime . Listen when you jargon, straight to your noggin you're listening to The Adam Western podcast if you don't like it then maybe you shouldn't get every h igh I think it's time we had a present here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's gonna give a prezi first? Who's gonna receive first? I feel like I want to give you a Prezi first. Your stack is bigger than mine. Here have this one. Oh, thank you so much. Adams taking the uh parcel. Do you like that festive wrapping paper? Yeah, brown, utilitarian. That's the way I like environmentally sounds. Definitely. Traditional parcel paper. This is so nice and exciting . I was thinking you could use these during the record . Okay. So this is two little boxes. One of them says tiny violin soundtrack for your sob story. And the other one says, Toot your own horn, if I do say so myself. So I'll open the tiny violin first. My thinking was that it was a shame you didn't have them while you were recording your audiobook. Because if there was a paragraph where you felt sorry for yourself, you could have played the little violin. And then if you were name dropping or maybe uh writing about a triumph, you could toot the horn. Well I could I mean I could Do you want me to open one of them for you, just to speak for it? It's even got a little stand here. Oh this is great. Alright, this is the tiny violin that I've got here. Oh god, it actually works when you do the the bow. Well yeah, I guess it does. Yeah, because you press down. That's amazing. All right, here we go. Um so this is a bit from I Love You Buy. Uh this is me looking at photographs of my dead parents. I was sure I knew too what was going on in my nine month old head in the photograph. I would have been feeling that mum and dad were just the absolute shit, just the most fun, interesting, great looking people in the world. And now they're gone. Not just a few hundred miles away, but removed from the whole universe . Photos are violence. Now do a little horn toot. Because in a way that's quite self-aggrandizing. I mean it's so maudlin it's self-aggrandizing. That's from my book. Can you do them both at once. There you are. That's the TLDR for uh I love you by Can you describe your book in sound? It's funny 'cause it's true. Isn't it? That's what I should say to Anthony Hopkins. I read his book. It's called You Done Good Son or something like this. I really loved it. Yeah, I've read some reviews saying it was good. Like what he was diagnosed with something, wasn't he, recently? ADHD, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And um it is quite melancholy, the book. It's very definitely quite a lot of that going on. That's what people want. And not too much. In fact not enough. No, he hasn't he hasn't he's not known for his comedy though, is he? Has he ever done a comedy? That's true, I don't think he has done. He's a heavy guy, in the best possible way. Quite good little um little novelty toys though. Brilliant. Fantastic presents in the game. God, you're good at presents. Well. I mean you really are good. was that Hopkins toy. Oh you're good. God you're good at no. That was started yet. Well damn good. Yeah, damn good. It's got to be a bit Welsh. God your presence. You're very good. I'm okay. But not great. I'm okay. Sounds American. What? Sounds American. No no. That's Welsh. Okay. Yes, that's for the tip off. Voice I'm doing now is Welsh. I think you should I think this this is me directing you now. I think to make that clear you just have to add the line I'm Welsh at the end . I I come from the valleys. I'm Welsh. The valleys. I come from the valleys. The valleys. He was a coal miner for a long time. Coal miner. I'm Welsh. Thanks, man. That was an amazing present. Hey, feel free to use them as the podcast progresses. Yeah, okay. This is an actual nice present really that I hope you don't have. And if you don't like it personally, you can re-gift and maybe give it to your daughter. That's lovely. How very thoughtful. Well I'm ripping open the lovely sparkly Christmas tree paper. And it's padded. It's a some sort of a box and it's padded and it's quite heavy. I think this might be a musical instrument because it's in a sort of lovely leathery padded case with two little silver fasteners, yes . Oh wow. So this listeners is like in a lovely cushioned velvet box, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven harmonicas. You got all the different notes there. Beautiful. Are you quite good on the harmonica? Do you know what? I've always thought I would be. Never put in any effort into it. And we've only got little plastic Are you s so if you play a tune on a harmonica, are you supposed to be able to play the whole tune on one harmonica? Or am I suppos supposed to swap them out depending on? I've never seen anyone swapping them out. What key is that? Hang on a second. We on a pirate ship. Are we now sudden why are we suddenly on a pirate ship? Were you trying to do Captain Pogwash? I don't know, it just came to me. Sometimes when you're gifted when you're gifted in a particular instrument. Yeah. It's non it's not in an intellectual process, it's instinctive. It's organic. Uh talk about now you emphasise me three. That's my laugh. How are you doing are you just going to He's turned it into a vocoder. This is going better than I could have possibly imagined. Tell us which key they're in. Um says on the end. Oh yes, that's an A. Find the C one, and maybe you can play along with a song. Okay, I think that's probably a bad idea. Even on road tri ps when we didn't fight , I'd be annoyed with you all through the night , knowing you'd skip a great song that I'd picked because you declared it was shite solo . Yeah. That's a beautiful present, man. It's quite nice, isn't it? That's incredible. Have them in a little set like that. It is terrible though, I apologize to listeners 'cause there's nothing worse than somebody who can't play an instrument playing an instrument. Don't say that, because that really does describe me and my entire No no no no. I had a party and we ha we had some friends around once and a friend of mine bought, you know, somebody along who that we didn't know very well. Yeah. And I got the guitar out, started playing some bowie, you know, out of chord books and singing along. And after about ten minutes we noticed this guy had gone . And we thought he'd gone to the loo, but then more time but after about an hour we realized he'd like gone, he hadn't come back. And we thought, well, that's that's a long time in the loo, and we knew that the internal door , because we lived in a flat at the time, we knew the internal door, which was down some steps, was double locked. So we couldn't have got out of the flat. So where's he gone? So we went looking for him, and he was literally sitting like a cat whose cat flap had broken outside the internal door trying to get out because he couldn't stand the guitar. The guitar and the amateur hour bowie single. Oh wow. That's a bit much. It is a bit much. But it can be painful. But that's a beautiful gift. Thank you very much. That looks expensive. It looks more expensive than the blow your own toot your own horn and and mini violin sets. I'm guessing it was, but I did feel like the thing is about this time of year is that it's also your birthday. That's very true. Well that's an incredible present. Thank you very much. And there's gonna be a lot a lot more harmonica in my life generally and my work. I feel like you could be really good on that instrument. A troubadour . The holiday horn it goes to do do holiday time have a carrot, have two carats . Go to the toilet, take your time . Holiday time . So listen, um, it's been a big year for celebrity couples and I'd like just to know what you Adam Buxton what your predictions are for some of our favorite celebrity couples next year. Okay. And it just's gonna shoot you some names. Okay. Diddy and Fiddy. Yeah. Oh yeah, okay. I I I just I actually do know who they are. Yes. Uh Diddy's and Doo Doo. Why is Diddy and Diddy in doo doo? What did Fiddy do to Diddy to get him into doo doo? Because Fiddy done Fiddy done the docko. Uh Fiddy done the docko, diddy da baddy. Diddy da baddy done a lot of baddy. He load done a load of baddie. According to Fiddy. Fiddy produced it. Produced what? The documentary. About Diddy. Yeah. Diddy. Yeah, have you watched it? Fiddy Diddy. He did he. Did Fiddy did who else is involved? Fiddy Diddy Diddy. Doddy. Kelly Doddy. Oh my goddy. Dottdyy Did and Fiddy . Apparently Doddy's making a documentary about f the fiddy diddy feud. Yeah. With his tickle stick. On his body. Doddy's body. Yeah, Doddy's tickle stick on his body making the doco about Fiddy and Diddy. It's inappropriate to be laughing at this. But what ? Diddy. Anything diddy but anything diddy related I mean we're just we're literally Do you know who else is involved? Noddy Noddy and Doddy and Fiddy and Diddy. Okay you, ready for another celebrity couple? 'Cause I feel we've learned a lot about that about that one. But what about What about Timmy and Kylie ? I don't even I mean I'm assuming Kylie is Minogue. No no. Oh. Oh, Jenna. Yes. And Timmy Shalam et? Yes. What have they got to do with each other? They're together. Are they? They're an item wearing lurid orange tracksuits and things. Yes, yes, yes. What do you think twenty-xsi holds for Timmy and Kylie. Each other's parts That's I apologize to everyone . Timmy does very well to be he's a very good actor and he does well to be taken seriously as an actor. But also to be a kind of figure of sort of zany paparazzi fun . Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah, he ticks all the boxes. Really want to be sort of seen in that sort of tabloidy zingy sexy . He's sort of like a pop star actor. What's the film with George Clooney called Jay, something or other? Jay Kelly. Jay Kelly. Maybe you should watch that because that's what fame used to be I have watched that. Right? Yeah. Is it just like being dipped in golden celebrity juice? What it made me feel is how difficult it is to be very famous and wealthy. Oh yeah. And a film star is It really's really. yeah, it's really difficult to do. No, no, no, you don't get to see your kids and it's awful. Really? Yeah, yeah, it's awful But I th I assume that it you make a lot of money. You have lots of tick. Yes tick. You go in a pool. Yes tick, you get a big car, and then it's all fun. No, but when your kids are doing a little sh a like a little show for you, you have to go to to be on set. And it's very it's very difficult. What about your sense of your own self? I I would imagine that it's pretty good. No, because you're playing so many other people, you forget who you are. Oh it's all it's really awful. I think it's possibly one of the worst jobs in the world. Being tim ofes human suffering. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What about Zenny and Tommy? Zenny and Tommy. Okay, so this is Zende ya. Yes. Tommy Lee Jones. No. Tommy Spider Robinson. Spider Tom. Hiya Huddlestone. Who plays Hocklefield? Who plays Spider Tom Henderson Holland? Tom Holland, son of a British comedian. That's right. Yeah. They're going out. They're definitely going out. They I think are they married? They th they were engaged. I'm not sure whether they're married. Maybe Jacqueline Peepee can tell us. I think Does it respond to Jacqueline Peepee. Uh yeah, mine does now because we've called it we've called him Jacqueline Peepy so much . I like Jacqueline Peepee. Um is Zendaya and Tom Holland going out, is there are they? That's a very modern that's just a very modern moment is Z Apple Dawn is a city in the Netherland s located in the province of Gelderland. We've done that one. Uh okay, alright, it's down here. Good question. As of now, yes, Zendaya and Tom Holland are together, and not just dating. They're now engaged. The two publicly became a couple in 2021 after years of speculation. In January 2025, their engagement was confirmed. Zendaya appeared at the Golden Globes wearing a diamond ring on her left Thank you so much. That's a good voice, isn't it? Yeah. She sounds very no nonsense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sounds a bit like Marina Hyde. Yes, that's right. Yeah. On top of things like authoritative, assertive , but uh lovely to listen to. Yep. And very knowledgeable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch your back, Marina Hyde. Because Jacqueline Peepy's Jacqueline Peepy's coming for you leading a track Okay, so did we learn anything about Zenny and Tommy? Well that they're together and that You learned that. I didn't. I knew that already. Okay. You barely knew who they were. Uh I think that I would imagine I mean she's got the new Dune movie coming up, he's got the new Spider Man movie coming up. They're both in Christopher Nolan's uh Odyssey. Are they? It's gonna be a huge year for them. What's Christopher Nolan's Odyssey? It's a film by Christopher Nolan of the Odyssey. Homer's Odyssey. That's right. Called Homer Bennett. That's who it's written by. Is it updated to modern times or? No, it's studiously real . And apparently he's done it's like a kind of Ray Harryhausen movie, but no lun of nolanified. So very serious and real and enormous. Yeah. I'm excited. I think it'll be thrilling, but it's very a very big year for Zenny and Tommy. I've only got twenty more of these, okay. Are you ready? Sure. What about Ellen and Porsche ? Ellen is Ellen de Generous and Porsche Rossi Rosso? Something like that. What's the their news been this year? What happened in Ellen and Porsche's life this year? I think that they moved to the UK. That's right. They moved to the Cotswolds, bought a huge house. Because they got so fed up of being monstered in the US. Yeah. And also, wasn't it a political protest? She was a uh Ellen was accused of being beastly to her crew. Yeah. And so she became a sort of uh target and she didn't like the the Trumpian atmosphere. Right. Don't know why. And left to move to England to escape the whole deal. So the two I mean it seems a little convenient that she was able to use Trump as an excuse to just run away from the accusations flying around. This is my what happened later this year. This is Matt the voice that I use for Solabratangal. Is that is this chat B U X? No You should do a voice on chat GP GTA. G P G G G T X Castral G T X. You should do a voice on GTA six. What? Listen, let's m well the the big news is they don't like it in the Cotswold. Oh really? Why is it too rainy and dark and boring? Oh dear. So they're going back to uh to America. Who who who said that? Who said that? It's Jacqueline Phoebe. Jacqueline Phoebe. The new marina hide. Wow. They should program it to say sort of slightly sarcastic, cynical things quietly in the back when not invited. That feature is gonna come in within the year, I would say. Well that's it. The other famous couples I had were Willie and Katie and Harry Oh Laura. How's ninety six looking for the the two royal golden couples? It's looking so nice, innit? Because a lolly lolly magg she's had a bad time actually of quite a lot of years now and things have been kind of so wrong for Meggie. She's really not that bad. She's nice. And I think that d 226s is gonna be it for everyone likes Megan's again. Very exciting listeners. We've been joined in the Christmas shack by Her Majesty the Queen. Oh Laura. And your Majesty, what did you think of Megan's uh Meghan's Netflix show, her lifestyle. It's so nice, I loved it. It's really co quite uh interesting as well and I'll be like a nice quiet politics sometimes in there as well 'cause it's quite good. I don't I thought it was a little bit sort of a little bit sort of sort of banal. Didn't apparently puts lots of things in little plastic bags and ties a ribbon round them and No, like little little little snacks and sends some stones in little plastic bags and ties a ribbon round the top and puts them in little baskets for I gu.ess Sounds nice. I didn't want it . But I think it's g it's gonna be a Laura Laura nice about a time for them. And Willie and Katie? Oh they just gone from strengths to strength s. And uh Prince Andrew. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta turkey in the oven, I gotta go. God bless you. Bye! Viva Regina. Don't talk about me like that, please . This is pretty highbrow stuff. This is from Steve Thomas. Is this a made up joke? No. This is uh filed under random. Merry Christmas, chaps, says Stee. Whenever I place space sodasy by David Bowie in my head, this always happens. Does anyone else get this? I can't be the only one. And by this he means this. Well, I didn't before, but I am now. That's good. Did he send you that or did you make that yourself? He sent that. That's good. Do it again. I want to hear it again. That's brilliant. God, that's satisfying. Yeah, that's good. That's how it should have gone. Yeah. But Bowie was just too pompous to just uh drop into I'm never gonna dance again. Well what is there to say about that, but that's a uh a a masterpiece stay. That's amazing. Ste Stay That's how you pronounce it was like if you put a little accent on it. Stay. It's like ye cute. Stay another day. Okay, here's another Prezi . Ooh, this isn't properly wrapped. Now this is in a lovely uh what do you call these things? Tote bags. Tote bag. Even though I'd say we've got too many tote bags in our house. You never have too many tote bags. Is that really true? I suppose you could knit a tent out of them. Oh, look at this. Well, there we are then. Now I'm guessing you didn't have a copy of this. I do not have a copy of that. That's very kind. I'm already. Uh hypnotized. Which record is this? By your eyes. This is is called Adam Buxton Upbuck le Buckle Up Bu ckle up Buxton . You've been confused by the circular writing. But it's very nice. This is very lovely artwork. This is your uh album. It's got a little pair of shorts growing off a tree. These are all the songs, aren't they? A record, a smiley face, a heart, a like a Wi-Fi logo, a little pair of shorts, looks like a wank rag. It's a tea towel. I'm sorry. A glitter. It's not very Christmasy, is it? A glitter ball. That's gonna be on the wrist album . Of course it is. That's can't get more makes you happy. A bicycle wheel. A cross . I just don't know. I think families listen to this in their cars there might be a little bit of a change in the atmosphere when I say wank rag. I think they understand that it's a bit of a roller coaster ride when they visit get on the Christmas podcast with Adam and J. Isn't it? Is it not a very b not a very pleasant pair of words. What else w what's a better phrase? I don't know. Pleasure towel I don't know. I don't think there is one. It's it shouldn't be spoken about. And then and I did it, I'm sorry. Um it's a beautiful album apart from the wank rag. It's a re lovely piece of um artwork. That's lovely. Thank you very much, man. Well you're worth a record player, but it'll be a sort of ornament. Yeah. Again, I won't be offended if you re give. I've got a lot of these images of your face staring out at me in my house. Sure. Well the spines of two books on my shelves. It's in fact the same illustration. Well yeah. It's Helen Green's illustration. I've had to put them on high shelves so they don't stare at me well. If I do another album my face won't be on the cover. Okay. I thought that it would m probably help the album to sell if the Yes. If people could see I don't think it did. How's it doing? I don't know, but uh I haven't got any large royalty checks recently. Listen the what what matters is the integrity of the work itself. Well exactly. And you know this ties into what I was going to say um is that later on I'm going to play you a song from the new album. Maybe from the new album, I don't know. But I've I learned something when I was doing the promotion for the record. And it kind of ties into a lot of the themes of my memoir as well, which is that it can be difficult for my collaborators sometimes to deal with my levels of negative self energy. And uh I was doing a podcast called Tape Notes the other day. Right . Which I've done before, and me and Joe Mount, who produced the album, Joe Mount from Metronomy, we went on Tape Notes to talk about doing the album and played a few outtakes and went through Down the album and he puts down his own songs and you know I I feel like saying, No, these are good and I'm happy with them and we worked on them together, you know. And it was really something I sh it should have been absolutely obvious to me, and I definitely had thought it. Like I was being a little bit careful to not be too down on the whole thing. I don't think I've ever been negative about Joe Mount's contribution. He's been brilliant, but I certainly have sort of said, Oh, you know, I don't know if I would call these songs and things like that. And by and thereby insulting him and his work. Well, exactly, I suppose so. Anyway, I took the opportunity to apologize to Joe on that podcast. I did really mean it. I didn't want to dwell on it too much and make it into an excessively maudlin moment . But uh it was it was emotional. Because by talking about it on yet another podcast, you seem to be making currency of um even your mistakes . Well, exactly. But it's something that I'm working on. Right. And I've done a song that I'll play you at the end of the podcast, which I feel is a demonstration of my new direction. Okay, that's very exciting. This is gonna be a big year for for the one of the biggest celebrity couples in the country, Adam and his self esteem. Self esteem. She's on the podcast next year. She's great. She may be one of my first guests in fact. Guess another Prezi. Okay . I just gave you one. Oh of course, sorry. Whoops. Let's have some more jokes. Okay, that's a good idea. More made up jokes. Made up jokes, made up jokes, made up jokes party . Here is a joke from Chris Dennett from Ulvaston in Cumbria . What's the difference between A I and a Haddock Emporium renowned for its creative seafood displays housed within a men's toilet made from old TVs . It's promising, isn't it? It's very good already. Do you want it again? Do you want to try and figure it out? Yes please. What's the difference between AI and Okay, so one is artificial intelligence. Yes, and the others Tell me An Artifish Hall Intelligence An Artifish Hall Artifish Hall Intelligence Intelligence An Artifish Hall Intelligence An Artifish Hall An Artifish hole intelligents. Intelligent intelligents. Intelligents. A men's toilet made from old TVs. The other great thing about these made up jokes is you just have to say them a lot. You gotta say it over and over and over again before and and the setup . Before you get anything out of them. Like a really, really old lemon that you've really got to squeeze really hard to get anything out of them. If you cut a lemon in half and you only Dear Count Buckley's and Cornballs, longtime listener, first time writer. Do you like it when people say that? Uh yeah, of course I do. Yeah, it reminds me of old L B C days. Yes, Clive Bull. Yeah. Sexual and marital problems. I came up with this joke about four years ago and keep forgetting to send it in time. I've googled it and as far as I can see it's not already made up. What do you call a non binary ladybird? Okay, yeah, I like it's not already made up. That's a good sentence. Like 'cause you w you might say no one's thought of it before. Yeah. But not n to be not already made up is a better way to articulate that. What do you call a not well this I this I think is part of a whole new school of jokes where people find words with a him or her in them and turn it into them. Oh . Isn't it? Yes. So so what's the setup? What do you call a non-binary Lady Bird? Uh a them de bird. A they de bird. A they de bird, okay. They de bird. A they de bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there was a similar one from somebody which had Himalayas and it was themalayas. Oh yeah. So yes, good, very O current and obviously a lot of people struggling with this shift in in the culture and the language and you know, trying to relax into it with some gags. A vady bird. It's very good. That's from Ruth Tutnot from Austin. Well I should not tut or . And she says, I hope you like it. I love you. Bye. Thank you so much, Ruth. That was really good. By the way, uh the the joke about the Himalayas was from Alex Hines and his joke was Did you hear the one about the non binary mountaineer who went missing on Everest? They're all at it. They found their body in the Himalayas. I just think we should be alert to this new strain of joke. That's fine though. I mean it's the this it's absolutely fine. It's not impugning anyone, right? It's not casting aspersions, it's not belittling . No, but I feel it's a like it's a little sort of it's a little muscle ex ercising itself because of this little um thing that's happened. Um so I just think a lot of the jokes will be quite similar. Yes. And they'll be along those lines. Sure. Here's a joke from Avner. It says, Dear Adam and Joe, when our son Alexander was twelve, he came up with a joke that has become a family classic Question What do you call a really annoying Italian sandwich? A penny a a pain a penny a peniny a penny ass. A penny ass is a tough one to sell. Say it again. A penny a penny ass . That's good you did it well. Really looking forward to the Christmas podcast. Take care of Ner. Love it. That's a good one. That is a very good one. Well this one follows on a little bit from that. Yes. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Just while you're looking for the next one, we also had a joke from Lucy Picard, and it went like this Dear Adam and Joe, why did the baby octopus laugh? Because his daddy gave him ten tickles brackets, tentacles. Now this is a great joke obviously, but it's also a joke that I made up as well this year for my daughter. But Lucy, I'd just like to comment that the joke is better if it's a squid, because a squid actually does have ten arms. So the joke should really be why did the baby squid laugh? Okay? So that's not 'cause of course an octopus has eight yes, octopus Octo, there's clues in the name, isn't it? Here's one from John Meredith that carries on from Peninias Hi El Buccalado and Cornucopia. That's correct. Adam, you might remember I met you online as I asked you to do the Tony Visconti interview at Confetti Nottingham a few years back. Oh yes, I do remember. And it was nice to meet Tony Vis conti, albeit on Zoom. Tony Visconti being Javid Bowie's producer, of course. Anyway, this is from John Meredith. John says my cousin is a baker, and as part of his day job, his boss gave him an extended period of leave to travel around Italy eating long small loaves of bread with crispy flowery crusts and an airy chewy interior. It was a chibatical. Nice. I like that. That is a slam dunk. I mean it's more efficient than funny. Yeah. It like gets the job done. Say it again. A chibatical. Chibatical. Yeah. What's the setup again? Cousin, Baker, day job, extended period of leave to travel round Italy, eating long small loaves of bread with crispy, flowery crusts and an airy, cheery interior. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A chibatical. That's really good. He's on chibatical. That's really good. Very, very good, very, very good . Yeah, you could say that to somebody who's just out, you know, having a little lunch break with a chibata, whereas Tony, oh he's on chibatical. He's on his chibatical. That just means he's having a sandwich. Yeah, that's like more uh an addition to the national lexicon than a joke. You know what? There's probably people groaning listening to this, going everyone says that if it's like it's one of those check things if you're on social media probably everyone like if you're going to have your lunch or something you just say I'm just going on chubatical mate, I'll be back uh I'll see you after I'm going for chibatical. Listen, going forward, for listeners of this podcast, no social media. Yeah. Because then you can just ride with our rhythms. Out of touchness. And you'll enjoy old jokes much more. You'll just enjoy our output a lot more if you go to the middle of a field . Switch Put on some relaxing music. Relaxing music or an old rerun of a comedy that makes you happy from the eighties and just stay there. Watch the Beatles anthology on a line. really get the most out of us in this period of our career. What do you call the th what do you call the third movie in a series of movies about a gang of ma uh Honestly, I t sometimes I think about the the number of times that I've repeated whole not only jokes but whole ideas, conversational topics, insights, observations, words of wisdom in the podc ast like at this point is gotta be learned. But that's okay. You know, essentially life's about getting up, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, having breakfast, having lunch, having dinner, brushing your teeth, getting undressed and going to bed. Essentially, isn't it? And just doing it over and over again and trying to get a bit better at it each time. Yeah, yeah, or just enjoying the uh the repetitivicity, the rip ripivicity. Here's one more before we leave the jokes for the time here. The repetitiveness. The repetition. Here's a joke from Ben Kelly. Where do clever electricians buy underwear and healthy snack treats? Marks and small plugs. Come on, mate, you're nearly there. Give it give me the You're a film guy . What do you call your electricians on a film set? I mean that's what electricians are called on film sets sparks. And Marks and Sparks and Spencer. Clever electricians. Uh Marks and bright sparks. Jesus. Sparks and Mencer . Sparks and Men cer That's good. That's good. That is good. Sparks and Mensa. That's a satisfying what do you call it when you swap around the first letter? Spooner is a satisfying one of them. Thank you so much, Ben. Here's a message from George. He says, Hi buckles and cornballs, and he has sent me a link to a YouTube channel where a few years ago he posted some videos of him doing songs with his hands, like he just puts his hands together and squeezes air out from between them in a musical way. Have you ever seen anyone doing that? Well yeah, I've seen people do that. I've ne I could never have described it as musical. It's a sort of s painful sort of cracky noise. No no no no no. Or isn't that farty noise? No no. I mean yes it is farty, but it's tuneful the way that this guy, George. Have you seen George doing it? No. Listen to this. This is George doing the match of the day theme with his hands. And I said to George, I emailed him and said, Is that really just your hands or are is there any post production? And he and I said I don't want to get in a whole cancellation scandal situation about this. He said no it's genuinely just my hand s. So would you r would you like to revise your initial slightly? That's very impressive. I you know, that is so impressive. I'm surprised A he doesn't have an agent, B he hasn't appeared on panel shows and radio shows, and there is no C and C that he's not very wealthy. But that is that is a talent, isn't it? And especially 'cause of the little the little rhythmic stumble at the end, which I thought really uh set it off beautifully. He did the podcast theme with his hands. Your podcast. Yeah. To the giant podcast pen . You have but the podcast out and started this and the microphone I put some fuman folk . I recorded all the noises while we spoke. I think you would have been boxed in my man. Jesus and watch you too enjoy this. That's the fact The sound of that and the sound of you mumbling along to it . The image in my head was you like when you've hit the skids sitting in a puddle in an alley with really terrible wind mumbling along to your own woe begotten podcast theme whilst farting it and go anybody like those like you're playing a tune on a um on a a road cone. Mm-hmm. No, that's good though. It wasn't as good as the other one because I feel he didn't really get the s the the the m the the melody quite as well. It was more just the rhythm. Yeah yeah yeah. That is quite a talent, isn't it? That is quite a talent, I think. I mean again because we're not on social media, he probably has been all over. No, what are you doing sending that to this show? It's f I think five years ago he did the match of the day one. Right. So we're probably only just getting the memo now. Right, right, right. I mean we literally are. Are you sure he hasn't been on all the other comedy shows and where his Well it's great. Because I'm disconnected from from the world around me. Well look, here's a sound based present for you.. Ooh This is a big this is a big present and this one I tell you what, I hope you like it. I had such fun doing this and their art works specially made for you . So listeners, I should describe this as this look like an Amazon box, a little shoebox size. But it's just recycle and inside are what look like um Well they're dog buttons, they're noise buttons. Yeah, those big round sort of red emergency buttons Like buzzers from quiz shows. Yeah. But you can recognize a lot of them. Yeah, I didn't but on them are painted with what looks like Posca pen hand painted faces of famous people in lovely day glow colours. You have to take a picture of uh these are the colours and you'll be able to check them out. Now do I recognise that's that's link in the description to the picture. Malcolm Muggeridge. Oh my god. Only because it's written on the side. Oh yeah. This one just says murder. Well play. Wait a second. This one says tippy Toes, alright, from sing to this one says ord er Who is that? John Burkow . Oh yeah, don't tell us though. Alright. This one says Theories Zeddie Murphy. That was a good documentary this year. Did you watch that? Yeah, I like the first half of it. Yeah. The first half of those ones are always good because it's all the old stuff. Yeah. And then this one says Al ora with her magic the Queen. Alright, let's see what sound these make. Are we ready? Let's start with tippy toes. Tippy Toes, tippy toes, I can see your tippy toes. As did you do that especially or is that from the film? Did it specially. Tippitoes, tippy toes! I can't see your tippitoes! Okay, I'll never press that one again. Here's the next one. Murder . There's no harmony in the universe. Only Elver That's Werner Herzog. Wow. That's very good. Is that from Grizzly Man? That's from Burden of Dreams. There is no harmony in the universe, only overwhelming and collective murder. Oh, hence you describing them as dog buttons. Yeah, yeah. So so you can record pat them with its paw. Yes. So you can record food or out or whatever you want the dog to signal. Did you try that with Rosie? Yes. Did she respond? No. So that's why you've got now a collection of buttons with people's faces drawn onto the Man, I'm honor ed. Look at this, Malcolm Muggeridge. Tell the audience who Malcolm Muggerage was. Well he was a kind of public intellectual writer, philosopher perhaps, who was around in the fifties and sixties But he was someone my dad respected a lot. He was a kind of crusty old intellectual type. And um there's a quote on that button that I always liked of his, and I've no idea where it came from, but I think I must have recorded it onto a videotape back in the nineties when I would watch a lot of documentaries on BBC two when I was at art college. Mm. And he was talking about television, but it could apply to everything, every bit of visual media in the world. Let's see what he's gonna say. More and more ads , stupefying us, bewildering us . All the happenings in the universe compressed into a small screen , a flickering image . It's too much. The mixture's too rich . Wow. I mean everybody always thinks that it's the end times, don't they? Yeah. And that whatever the thing is is gonna be the last thing. Uh-huh. Cause that's how w y I feel about some things. That's how I feel about Jacqueline Peepee. I think a lot of people feel that about Jacqueline people. Hello, here we go. That's it. Curtains. It's too much. It's too much. Alright, here's Eddie. This is look at this. So that's Eddie being James Brown. Oh man, so good . You're right, that Netflix documentary about him is the first half is so good. First half is so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And stuff from Saturday Night Live. Like when he when he does James Brown Hot Tub. Fantastic. Amazing. This is the thing, even the documentaries that are about the downfall of people, so the Michael Jackson one, the Netherland one, even I'm afraid the Savile one, the first half is always like, oh , I remember those days. Weeji will fix it. Hooray Beat it and stuff like that. And then the gloomy music kicks in. And then so here we go. Here is uh the queen, let's press the queen. It feels disrespectful to punch her face. Oh you,'re not punching it there, you're you're caressing it. A Laura not only beef for blind to take her. It's only a short one. That's punchy. Yeah. Yeah . A Laura Laura Lully Beef a blind Laura Laura lovely beef. A lolly beef. Order . Okay, this is John Burkow. John Burkow, yeah, the speaker. He's a beautifully drawn. The former speaker. Is there a little bit of tipex on that? No, it's all Posca Pen. Posca pen . Okay, so how would we use these in a conversation. Oh that's a good point. I mean I didn't think that bit through. Well they're amazing, man. I mean I feel very privileged to own these. Little bits of art for you. Little bits of art. Thank you very much. That's amazing. What a gift. You're welcome. One of my sons, Natty, went off for a job interview this year . And uh, you know, they're in their early twenties, the boys entering the working world , and he went off to interview for a job as a piano player in a Norwich bar. And while he was chatting to the manager, a little doggy came into the room. He told us this when he got back that night. We said, How did the interview go? He said, Yeah, yeah, it was going good, it was going good and then a little dog came into the room and it was called Charlie or something like that. And the owner was like, Oh, Charlie, out you go. And Nat was like, Oh no, yeah, I like dogs. Hi, hi hello, Charlie. Charlie's quite jumpy and excitable. Charlie jumps up on N atty's lap and the uh manager's like Charlie get down get down Natty's Ah it's okay hello Charlie Charlie's um scruffling around there on Natty's lap interview progresses . Charlie does a shit on Natty's lap. So when Nat told us that we were all like How did he say it? He said, Yeah, yeah, and uh so anyway the the dog kinda like did uh like shit on my lap. We're like, what? What did you do then? He was like, well it wasn't big. And did the owner go? Charlie has decided You've got the job . When Charlie does the job, I give the job. No, none of that happened because Nat didn't tell him that Charlie had taken a shit on his lap. So it was a little poo, a poo in the crevice of the thighs. It was a small poo. And this is what I said. I was like, Did you say anything to the manager? And he's like, No. Did he pop it in his pocket? Like you would with food you don't want to eat. No, because Charlie ate it. Charlie ate it. Dogs eating feces. Yes. You're a dog owner. You dogs do like eating feces . They are known to. They can do. I mean, usually there's something psychologically amiss if that's happening. Right. So Natty's just making continuing the casual conversation while the dog poos and then eats its own poo and he doesn't at any point mention it to the manager and I was like, Why didn't you say anything? It's like 'cause it's a job interview. Yeah. And I said, I know it's a job interview, but I think you are within your rights. You don't have to like but he encouraged the dog in, the owner was trying to get the dog to leave, so really Nat I can see where Nat's coming from. He takes responsibility for the dog's actions in many ways. He reckoned that it would have been unprofessional to mention it. Yes. And I was saying I think it's unprofessional not to. You don't want to give the impression that you are someone who is literally and metaphorically happy to be shat on in your new Oh wow. Getting deep fast. Well isn't that legitimate? Well he said na he said in his defence his defence was No, it would have been unprofessional and did you watch Sucesscion ? No. Oh, okay. Well, this won't mean anything to you. But those of you who watched Succession, this was Natty's defense. He said that if Tom Wams gans from Succession had been shot on by Luke Matterison's dog, Tom Wams gans wouldn't have said anything. And I said, I know because Tom Wamsgans is an avatar for a kind of spineless, pathetic Toad ie, and that is not someone that you should be using as a indication of how to behave. And what happened in the end? Did he get the job? Yeah, he got the job. There you go. That's perfect. I think he could have got the job and said, Oh, by the way, your dog just shat on. Did it l well the thing is if he'd said the dog shat on him, the owner might have felt, you know, obliged to give him the job to make up for the puey pants. Yeah yeah yeah. Or at least given him one night of of work . Well just to pay for the cleaning bill. Did it leave a puey residue on the trousers? He said that it was um in the car on the way home. It was stinky. It was yeah. Really. Mm. I think he did extremely well. He dealt with a very, very tricky turd based situation. Lap turd. And then I 'cause I would have probably been sick on the dog and then the dog would have eaten that as well. So revolting would the sight of a dog eating its own turd. How long did the dog wait between doing the turd and eating it? Or did it like it fresh and hot or does it let it cool a little bit? Fresh warm butt allow to chill. That dog should do a cookery show. Shouldn't it? And just leave it on the s on the side to chill for a bit. One. This one. Two, three, ready. This one's fresh out of the oven and it's ready to eat and I think you're fine. Do it on Joe's lap. And here comes the garnish. In a way, we're doing something much worse mm than anyone involved with that job meeting did, which is we're we're taking it to a much more disgusting place. And we are Why? We why? Well, because of what we just said, all the things we just said. Oh the cook the dog having a cookery show. Yeah and Yeah, that is disgusting. That'd be a disgusting programme. And also we are now undoing all the good work that Nat did by not complaining about it. Do you think the person who gave him the job might listen to this? There's a chance. Do you think he might lose the job? If you are listening , it was such an amazing time when we found out that you had given Nat the job and it was so I such a cool thing. The thing is now customers might demand it as part of the show . They're gonna bring their own dogs. Is that the Is that dog shit boy? I wasn't gonna say you had to say that. Is that dog shit boy? Is that lap dog? Lapdog plop . Did ding The dog sits on the piano looking uncomfortable. Ming ming Now that's entertainment. Hello . Hello. Hello . Hello, hello , hello, hello . Hello , alo. Hello, hello , hello , hello , hello, hello , hello , hello . Hello . Hello . Hello. Hello . Oh look, bonus joke. Last bonus joke from Russ Clark. Okay. I once made a belt out of fresh herbs. It was a complete waste of time . Yes, yes. That's that's good. I mean it's solid. That's really solid. But you're not chuckling. I don't know, it's a sort of technical joke. It's an intellectual feat. It's an intellectual feat. It's a sort of uh you know I don't know, busman's holiday. I hear you. It was a complete waste of time. Like why? Because it didn't function as a belt. Do you know what I mean? I think there's more to I've moved on from it. No, I I'll never move on from it. So I did a song in which I am trying to learn from having done press this year , having had to apologize to Joe Mount, and to a degree to you, Joe Cornish, for being sometimes uh a difficult collaborator to be with because of my Mm-hmm. Your your po empath powers. And self criticism. I must say Joe Mount got his apology it you turned it around a lot quicker than mine Yeah, but I wrote a whole like two books to say sorry to you. Two books. Yeah, I do some s mild apologizing in the first one. Thank you. Second one is like a one whole big long. Forgive you. Thanks, man. I don't think you got anything to apologize for. Okay, thanks. I think it was great . Time of our lives. It was fun. Yeah. Anyway, there's still more chapters to go. Yeah. And going forward, I'd like to think that I'm gonna be more positive. And so to embrace that, I've done a song in a modern style. Ooh. In one of the defining styles of twenty twenty five. Well if it the most played song in our house the most played album in our house because we have a six year old girl was the uh K pop Demon Hunters album. Bongo that is of course the style . That is one of the best singles that I've heard in a long time. Golden. Golden. Yeah. I mean every now and again it c something like that comes along and you're like, well done. That's the genius though, isn't it? The huh. Uh huh. It's one of those songs that made no sense to me musically when I first heard it. Uh but the little you know sometimes with a complicated song there's one little bit that gets you that you can cling on to at the end of each line in the first verse. There's so many good ideas. So many good ideas. It's amazing. Anyway, so well here is my attempt at channeling some of that energy for a song about my musical journey of confidence . I was a worm, I was a dick. I was a weedy wormy dick I didn't know I had a gift . Ooh. I'm bigger than everyone else's gifts. The gift was for music. I put myself down, said I couldn't sing, Even though I was the absolute king of singing and I thought my songs weren't good enough when in fact they were all actually very good. But then one day a powerful record executive heard my jingles and she said Oh my gosh, this guy is gonna Laura Laura Lully talent He's really gonna do an album And now I'm smash, smash, smashing all of my music rivals, bearing a puddle, joking, gasping for survival. I am huddling up on my big successful rocket, scattering songs below from my magic music pocket , I was sick of hiding my light under Gary bushel But now I'm holding a hand so strong it'll win like a royal flush on . I've got the musical equivalent of a royal flush in poker. Been trying so hard to be the me that's inside, the me that's inside the me inside me. It's time to leave all the hood and behind. Gonna flush it with the poo and the pea . No more fake self-de precading like you grant in the rain Cause people now prefer self-confidence even if it's out side I'm gonna crush, crash, crash, cult play and tailor swift. I'll smash bad bunny into funny tiny bunny bits. I'll make Drake bit for the scraps from my music plate, Bruno Mars is gonna be fucking cars. See a Rosalia, bye bye, Billy Island. Write to me if you would like some tips on being stylish . Holy shit, I mean am I right in saying that you took sing ing lessons in preparation for your live uh shows with the Adam Buxton band? Well I had one 'cause it shows It really does, doesn't it? The one lesson really shows. Yeah. Especially on the uh on the middle eight, was that the middle eight when you go off all set up? It gets very breathy. That's very good. And it's exciting to listen to 'cause you're not sh I mean you're on the edge of your seat 'cause you're not sure whether you're gonna hit the notes. Sure. And sometimes you do and sometimes you don't, but it's equally exciting either way. It's thrilling. It's like Mission Impossi a mission watching a an action sequence from a Mission Impossible movie. Is he gonna do it? It's like free solo. Did you ever see that movie? Of course. It's very, very like free solo . And lyrically it's very strong w with some very good rhymes, especially the one you have to actually explain during the song. I played it to my wife and she didn't get the bit about the poker hand. No no no and so to to s stop the song or a little musical pause to explain it to the audience is something more singers should be doing. I think so. And you know, it's classy, lyrics about poo and P references to Hugh Grant in the rain, so contemporary film references very young I don't even think he is being self deprecating in that scene in four weddings. And the thing I like most about it is the way it sort of captured the tune of golden whilst not being exactly the same. Well it it's intended not to directly infringe copyright for legal reasons, but it was similar. It was it's a sound . Yeah, yeah. Because if it's a bit like um Harry Styles' big hit, you know, as it was . Sat was similar to Take on Me by Aha. Right. And that was a big, big hit. But there was a bit of time between the two. So I'd hold on to this for maybe twenty years, then pop it out. Plop it onto someone's lap. Yeah. But um twenty years you reckon. Yeah, when you're in your seven ties. That seems like a long time. And then people who you know, kids my daughter's age, they'll be in their mid twenties and they'll be like, Oh, that's really like old school school and new at the same time. But by that time it might be fashion able to be self-deprecating again Right. And this is too arrogant. Too confident. It's too confident. Saying I'm gonna smash smash all of my music rivals. Yeah, yeah, but there's an irony to it. It doesn't necessarily have to be taken at face value . Like it could be it if you really push your imagination, it could be interpreted as a song by someone who can't sing who is like no good and is b is bad like really bad and everything to do with it. And everything and everything around it. You're supposed to be the one wanting me to boost my company. Both levels It's really good. Thanks very much. You're welcome. Merry Christmas. Thank you so much for all my beautiful gifts. Merry Christmas to you. And Merry Christmas listeners. We hope you have a lovely boxing day if you're listening to this on Christmas Day. And if you're not listening to it on Christmas morning, then what the hell are you thinking? Bye-bye. Bye! Well, I'll be back with you very shortly. Wait. This episode is brought to you by free streaming service You , where you can now watch all episodes of The Way Out. Hello Ethan. Fancy finding you in this escape room. Oh hi, Ashley. I didn't know you were an escape room aficionado. It's my first time. I wanted to have a go after watching The Way Out on the free streaming service. You Ah yes, the fast-paced comedy competition, where escape is the only objective, hosted by Mel Gedreutch with team captains Ed Gamble and Nish Kumar, leading fellow comedians Lou Sanders, Chloe Pett, David O'Dockerty, and Amy Annette through fantastical worlds. That's the one. They're all dropped into surreal, high-pressure worlds, packed with puzzles, misdirection , and a ticking clock. I do love a ticking clock. Oh dear, what's that smell? Oh, sorry, Ethan. I'm still recovering from about a food poisoning, and my guts are in a terrible state. But I'm so looking forward to spending the next two hours puzzling with you, and it looks like it's just the two of us. Great. The doors are locking. Your time starts now . The way out. Stream free on you . Continue. Hey, welcome back pod cats . Thank you so much to Joe Cornish for making the time to come and join me once again in my Christmas shack. It was lovely to see him and I'm so grateful to him for all his friendship and generosity, especially this year supporting me, promoting my book. I love you by. What do you mean you haven't read it yet The audiobook was nominated for a prestigious audiobook award, the Speakeys Inaugural Year. Unfortunately I was in a category, the memoir category , with uh some really quite heavyweight books, and Sarah Wynne Williams, the Facebook whistleblower, won for the audiobook version of her excellent book called Careless People, which I certainly recommend. But after you finish Careless People, I think it's time for I Love You By Put a lot of work into it, me and the audio book team from HarperCollins . Thanks to all of them. And Joe joins me at the end of it for an exclusive podcast waffle about the book and what he thought of it . So check that out. Don't forget as well to get in there early for tickets for the Adam Buxton Band tour in spring 2026 . Kicking off on the 1st of May in Manchester at the Stoller Hall. Then we're in Leeds, Exeter, Cardiff, Bath, Brighton, Margate, Buxton, Nottingham, and Leicester. That's where it stands at the moment. From the 1st to the 19th of May, those shows are. Hope you can come along. If you demand more buckles talking about music and the record, then don't forget to check out tape notes with myself and Joe Mount talking to John Kennedy. And there's me on the Soda Jerker on Songwriting podcast. An honour to be on both of those. And they're always beautifully put together and produced and uh you know they have so many top notch guests on both of those podcasts and it was a real thrill to be included. House of games towards the middle of January 2026 . Before I say goodbye today, I just wanted to give a few brief shout-outs to a handful of podcats whose messages I particularly enjoyed. I enjoyed all of them. Thank you very much if you were one of the people that sent them in. We read all of them and much appreciated. Only got to read a small handful, but there was loads there that I really enjoyed. Colin and his wife from Hebden Bridge, thanks for your message. Gareth and his daughter, Trixie. Hey Trixie, I hope you're doing well. Richard Harland, Simon Dickey, Jack Gavin, Martin, hello Martin, Dot, Andrew, Henry, Flossie, and Stan. Hope you're all well. There was Rosie Sneddon who said my six -year-old daughter came home from school and excitedly told me that she'd been learning about biology. She very proudly announced, Did you know, mummy, boys don't just have a penis, they also have tentacles. That made me laugh. It's also true. Doesn't get talked about enough, I don't think. Thanks Gavin Sheel Schail for the joke about the witchy tall linesman . Can work backwards from that one. Thanks, Martin, for the Greek drug addict, Mr. Popolotta Pills. Thanks, Joe, Ben, Clem, and Finn , who when told by his mum that she would be there in a minute or two, asked why are you calling me Tortu ? Oh it's cold Can you hear that wind? It is icy. Thanks Ben Why did the matchmaker set up two perfumiers on a date? They just made sense together. Thanks, Alex, Beth, Cooper, and Ava. Ava made this joke up, which is a kind of brilliant meta ction incorporating a couple of tropes. Why did Roger the Chicken cross the road? To get to his friend's house. Knock knock. Who's there? Roger the Chicken . Thanks, Ed Norrie . Which animals can see inside you? Cats can I mean I I I can't believe that hasn't been made before, but I did check, couldn't find it. I just got the AI assistant saying I believe this is a pun and there's no evidence that cats or any other animal can actually see inside your body . And thanks to John for this joke, which goes like this. Hey man, I liked your joke about a Liam Neeson sequel where he rescues his daughter from a convent, but the punchline was too contrived no offence none taken none taken okay that's it for twenty twenty five from this podcast thank you very much, Seamus Murphy Mitchell , without whom I'd be lost . Very special thanks to Kid Clava for his musical assistance with my K-pop song. Thank you, Mr. K . Thanks Helen Green for the beautiful artwork. And while I'm at it, thanks Bryony Jackson for your beautiful artwork for the album . Thanks to everybody at A Cast who worked so hard, liaising with my sponsors, thanks to everybody who appeared on the podcast this year, and thank you so much for listening. If you'd like a creepy festive hug , now's the time I've got my ski jacket on because it is Arctic . Come here it's happening, let's have a festive creepy hug he how's it going I hope you're doing okay out there keeping it together I hope things are not too stressful at this festive stresstive time of ye ar. This podcast will be back with you in early twenty twenty six. Probably around about March or April . Until then, please go carefully, it's ridiculous out there. And for what it's worth , I love you. And so does Rosie. It's true, I do do. Baaaa aaah Like and subscribe, like and subscribe. Like and subscribe, please like and subscribe . Give me like a smile and a thumbs up. Nice second when we buttons up. Give me like a smile and a thumbs up . Nice and back when we bums up. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe . Like and subscribe. Please like and subscribe. Give me the smile and a thumbs up . Nice for me, but smile and a thumbs up. Nice