Snooker Final Protests and Outro

Mm. Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hell Bugler, II International, forge the fina letter or word da. But so I. Start again. Hello, Buglers. It is international forget the final letter of words day today, but sod it. Let's start again. Uh there are too many international days these days. That reminded me of when I was in a Carol Churchill play, Andy, where all the uh words just got boiled down to the letters B and K. Very good for the Burger King um franchise. Carol Churchill was a big Burger King fan. Today is also international makeup and international day of something day. Um ironically. And that's one I'm happy to observe. I'm Andy Zoltzman, or so it seems. On this, international perception meets reality day. And I'm here in the historic Maracan Stadium in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on this truly historically, uniquely, unfathomably, remorselessly, iconically historic multiple occasion international lie about where you are, day. International overstate the significance of what you're doing, Day. International belated but insincere apology day. International stretcher joke too far and alienate your listeners before you've even properly started your show day. And the international ignore the rule of three day. Anyway, uh joining me on this. Issue four thousand three hundred and seventy eight with Bugle. Um and also an international appear on a podcast with one person you're blood related to and one person you're not blood related to, so I'm so, so, so sorry for this. Uh uh in uh in Dublin, Ireland en route from Vancouver. It's Helen Soltzman. Hello, Helen. Um pleasure to meet again. And uh from Glasgow, Scotland, Josie Long. Hello, Josie. Great to have you both uh both on the show. Um how how how are you, Helen? Pretty jet like Dandy. Anything could happen by which I mean absolute garbage could fall out of my mouth any time. Just fade my mic down and then throw me into a bit. It's all right. I mean you've you've you you know this show absolute garbage is m more than fine. Um get ready for perfection. I've I've expected nothing less than you. from the minute you were born. Big psychological hurdle to get over, actually. Um Seem to remember you weren't entirely perfect at that brass band concert in Tunbridge Wells, uh when you're about uh five months old. I may have mentioned before. On the shift. Everyone still talks about it. On the Bugle, how is your twenty twenty six treating you? It's a joy to be back. Um, I've got some granular local news from the Pollock Shields area. Oh. Unfortunately the knits are back. And it's not even just the primary school. They are rife amongst the three to five room at the nursery. It's absolute nick carnage. Uh Johnny, my kid's dad, a little kid came up to him in the nursery room when he was going to pick up our daughter. gave him a big hug and then said, Hi, I've got NYX! No it's a real um the knits are back uh good news, however, the bum worms, they're on the way out. So you know. They give with one hand, they take with the other. Which is I think how some of the bumworms are tr transmitted, actually. But um let's uh uh uh let's move on from that. Um it is uh the sixth of May, twenty twenty six. But if it was the sixth of May nineteen twenty six Which it so easily could have been, if we'd been doing this exactly a hundred years ago. We wouldn't be doing this because there was a general strike on in the UK. So even if we had been recording this, it wouldn't have been worth publishing because uh producers Christian Harry would have been banging on the windows of my shed shouting scab, scab scab and unrighteous so Um Uh, as always the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Uh tomorrow, the seventh of May, is World Password Day. Genuinely. That's a gen genuine world world day. Uh so we have a Bugle Guide. uh as advised by cybersecuritologists uh around the world. They currently advise a combination of all of the following. Use a pet's birth date, but not a living pet who might crack under interrogation and share that information. And one that belonged to someone else. Ideally a dead celebrity, for example Judy Garland's parakeet. who was named Papa Keith. Or Charles Dickens' Jurble Ian. also factor in a memorable sporting event, but it should be uh obscure. For example, the four scores posted by golfer Flory Van Donk at the nineteen fifty four Open Golf Championships. I'm not sure many people will go for that. Use the letter from the middle sentence of your favourite novel, but backwards. If your favorite novel has an even number of sentences, use the back half of the last the first sentence of the first half of the novel and the front half of the first sentence of the second half of the novel. Also a non numeric, non alphabetical symbol, but not a regular one, something obscure like a hieroglyph from an undiscovered pharaoh's grave. or an as yet unproven mathematical formula. Also use the US nuclear code from the day of your favorite snooker player's birthdate. And a chord sequence from your favourite glam rock hit, but shift it up three semitones to camouflage it a bit. And that should give you An uncrackable password, even in the year twenty twenty six. And also in the Bugle Password section. Um we g we tell you what passwords great figures of history would have had. Uh AI can now tell us uh such things. Julius Caesar? password would have been Vini VD Vici, but with uh ones instead of the I's and fives instead of the V's. Queen Elizabeth the the first Uh would have had uh single girls rule exclamation mark. And uh Sun Zoo. um would have had as his password the painting of fighting five five four B C, which is a twist on his platinum selling classic art of war. And the year of his birth. Uh anyway, that section. Story this week, the official Bugle review of Charles in America. Um Well, we previewed uh uh King Chuck's trip uh to reclaim the USA on on last week's Bugle. Uh since when? Um the visit has happened. Uh, four days of uh people sort of pretending that everything was fine. uh King Charles delivering uh a couple of speeches that were sort of laced with With burns, really, with uh Um s slightly camouflaged um snark directed at the Trump. Regime. I mean as the old sickest of Reg Regalburns. Uh As the old song should've gone, I wish it could be a state banquet and a scripted set piece speech every day, because that's It was just easier to deal with than We get the rest of the time. So uh just to remind you, the two protagonists um King Charles the Third. Um, also known as at Chuck the Trebbles on social media, massive darts fan. For those you've not heard of him. A seventy seven year old banknote model from London. Po monarch and former professional prince who's thus far failed to oversee an Ash's victory in almost uh four years on the throne. Starting to reflect badly on him, I think. It is, isn't it? And uh Donald Trump, for those of you who've not heard of him, the uh seventy nine year old insurrection and and i irascibility fan, fact skeptic. Empathectomy patient and the self starred Leonardo Da Vinci of a Lying Division and Vitriol. It was uh an I'm an interesting combination of character in this uh this story. What what did uh what did you both make of it? Well I wanted to ask you two as comedians How much would you have to be paid to punch up a speech by King Charles? I actually thought about this because it's a It's a thirty minute speech and I listened to it and there are actually some good jokes in it, right? You have to factor in that is his whole job. That's all he has to do. is do that. So yeah, like he doesn't have anything else to do. So he can do a thirty minutes that's full of good jokes. Like I'd be able to do thirty minutes of good jokes if that was my whole job. It's su i it's it's harder to do. Like I've got other stuff I have to do as well. So I'm and I also think the key thing to remember here is he's only done thirty minutes. So next year he can still be eligible for the best newcomer award if you have print. That is uh I mean that is that is that is very important. I mean Yeah, it took I mean there were it was kind of replete with historical gags he equipped about a lot of colonized dick swinging there. Lot of daddy's home. Oh well that's it. Yeah. They say tragedy Uh plus time equals comedy. Uh here it was imperial exploitation plus time. Equals equals uh equal well equal sort of royal comedy. But you know, clips about the Boston Tea Party, the Brits trying to burn down the White House in eighteen fourteen, it does suggest that that that King Charles has his eye on what is nowadays a more lucrative job than being king. That is history podcaster. Um that could be what he was uh what he was angling himself towards I think. This is exciting for me because uh this is actually gonna be the first time I can showcase uh my Prince Charles impression that I've been working on since I actually started standup in nineteen ninety nine. Alright, okay. I'm worried about the Millennium Bug. I've been listening to California Kation recently. Gala Pinkin it. Wait, I I killed Princess Diana. I always have to update it, but you know, I've just been practicing so hard for these thirty years. I was on Jenny. It was his history book has to be, uh don't look into what my grandparents did. I mean that's tr truly uncanny. Um the uh I mean I I mean I I I we we did stand up together in nineteen ninety nine. And in Charles. Prince Charles as he was. Yep. I mean it would be interesting to see how different so you think your funny final would have been if you'd just done a solid Prince Charles impression. Maybe I would have beaten David O'Donnell. I'm seventeen years old, Peter! King Charles talked about the uh importance of supporting Ukraine, the need to protect the environment and the natural world. America and Britain's shared commitments to uphold democracy, the importance of the rule of law. So there are I guess two explanations for this speech. One Is that the king hasn't watched the fing news in at least ten years? Or he was delivering a series of uh uh oblique put downs of Trump and everything he stands for. Th the problem being The nuance and subtext. Maybe lost on Trump. whose antennae for these things, I I think I may say, without fear of overstatement. uh are not overly finely uh attuned. Um And I respond similarly to history podcasts that are monologues. I find it very difficult to pay attention. You need a reenactment. And this is the this is the issue I have actually. It's all stupid pointless theater. Like it's like when they were like, Oh, the queen's wearing a spider brooch. Oh, she's absolutely witheringly put them down. It's like, yes, and nothing has changed. She has done nothing. And like with this You have a king. In his big houses, he has so many swords. He is literally that you know. That was his job in the olden days. He should have shot when he was in the army. Mean ten. He's not that old. We we can't be sure. He he gets the sword out. Goes to town on them all. That's what I want is I want a king returning to some kind of He's mentioning the Magna Carta. If he gonna talk the talk. Walk the walk. Get a sword out. Get that big sector orb thing whacking around, you know? Like would be useful on the world stage. Then all the headlines would be England Has it? Watch out. We're back. Yes. And I'm staying in England because I don't consider him the legal monarch of Scotland. Um He said Please rest assured I'm not here as part of some cunning rearguard action. Which is exactly what someone who is here as part of some cunning rear guard action would say. Also what is cunning rear guard action, please? I didn't want to Google it. It's the daintiest pornography you've ever had. Dainty pornography. I'm not sure that I think that might be the only niche that hasn't yet been explored in that uh that art form. Um Uh, Trump, of course, is a man who communicates in all caps. Uh whereas Charles is constitutionally constricted to communicate in subtext and And footnotes. Maybe this is the future of diplomacy, just smartly dressed, plumberly voiced, subtextual snark. basically boils down to two things, which is one, when you've given something two hundred and fifty years and it hasn't worked out, maybe it's time to accept that it never will. And two, if you hadn't started trying to cold brew our British tea in the salty waters of Boston Harbor, you wouldn't be in this f mess right now. But you couldn't say that directly. and it out loud. So it had to come through this, like I say, this subtextual snark. Pulled out the word semi quincentennial. Which is That's another niche. It's a good scrabble school. If we get if you put that down in Scrabble, you're cheating. Uh I mean I I guess, you know, the lesson is that It's far easier to make a political speech that people approve of if you have absolutely no political power whatsoever, and it is basically performative cosplay diplomacy. That's I mean, that's why we kept the monarchy, I think, specifically for occasions Such as this, when you need someone to say something without everyone on the internet calling him a c straight away. Um so uh so that's I I guess, you know, that that makes everything worthwhile. All the It's not nothing, is it? Yeah. Well it is. Oh yeah, well exactly that is the point. It is nothing, and that's why it's important. That nothing is something. Um Uh, we could just I mean, w there was one argument for just leaving the king in America Permanently. Uh and we're taking out we've got back ups in the royal family. Not as many as we used to have, but still enough, I reckon. Charles seems to be the only person who can make Donald Trump put on his I can just about behave like a sentient human being if I really want to act. Although obviously he didn't last. Very long. I mean half an hour. It's an unreasonable demand, isn't it? Well, the day after the banquet, he was back on social media posting an image of himself holding a machine gun, um, at last, the Bonesbur have cleared up, which is good news, and uh said a m no more Mr Nice guy. And uh I don't know if you did you did you spot the Mr Nice Guy interlude? Um I mean it was it was fairly brief. Uh a couple of added details that have emerged, um, from the uh now traditional um head of state karaoke session. Uh, Charles went with uh Wherever I Lay My Hat. That's one of my many, many homes. Um Trump went with uh Fools Rushing and then they did a duet, which was where Raining Men Um Do you know what I would have really enjoyed? If they'd have both if they'd have done a duet of Don't let the sun go down on me. Because that's one of my favorite things at the karaoke, because halfway through you have to say, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John. And obviously it never is. Very funny. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Out and John I can't lie. that make Trump with George Michael in this equation? I think so. I think so. couple of minor sticking points in the negotiations over the USA's reassimilation into the UK. uh include how to pronounce potato, whether cheese should taste of anything, and whether games that involve hitting a ball with a bit of wood should or should not last five days. But uh we'll have full updates. on the bugle over the next two hundred and fifty years. U K news and uh well, elections are being held tomorrow as we record Thursday, the seventh uh of uh of May. Uh it's been a bit of a weird time here in in the UK of late. Um I I've found it The last week or so. up and down because I I I love Snooker. don't like anti Semitism. So it's been sort of good and bad, really. Um but we have uh we have elections uh tomorrow, uh, which will basically show how uh no political party is capturing the public Imagination. Um Looks like uh Josie in in the national elections in Scotland, the Scottish National Party will retain power. But with a much lower vote share. um though the state of the other parties is such that if if you right this minute launch a new party whose candidates were last year's leftover Halloween Pumpkins and your only policy was to put a road cone on a bus shelter in Dundee, you'd probably come second. in the election. Already there. And I accidentally featured in an SMP campaign video last week. Oh, right. How doubt that? Yeah. Nicola Sturgeon and the new S P candidate were outside a shop in my neighborhood called The Day to Day, which obviously ripe for fun. Shall we go to the day to day today? You know. Is it the day to day to go to the day to day today? And it winds up my four year old. So I was in there it was Friday. I was in there with my big daughter helping her. She can get sweeties on a Friday. This is a real existential crisis for her because she can't bear to choose a sweetie because Then she won't have the other sweeties. So it's a big Great. It's yeah, it's a big part of every Friday to be considering this. And we're walking out, she's thrilled, she's chosen something which I regret buying her, which was in far it it was like a dib dab. The the dickers were jelly sweets. And the dip. was Jelly. And honestly, I'm completely calorized like it it's insane amount of like I don't know, sour? There's a lot in it. Like it it honestly it felt like a mountain for an eight year old to climb seven and three quarters year old. That's just background Zito, you can edit that out. What happened was I got in the screen, we were walking out. And I see in front of us there's like some people filming someone. And I sort of go, oh, oh, they're filming. I don't want to be filmed. And then walk off. And then it came out that it was a film that Nicola Surgeon was making, where she's like, We're in the heart of Pollock Shields, here we are, we're on the campaign trail. And then you just see me in the background go, which I I'm not I'm not even anti the SNP. You know, I've um critical support for them when it comes to kind of Certain things, you know, but I look So that I mean that could swing That could swing the whole election. That could be your fault. I'm really worried because uh reform are polling second in a number of Scottish constituencies and unlike in England, they do have something akin to proportional representation here. So it is the only time in my life when I've been like You should get the first pass of the post just in for this one. And then we'll go back to all the list stuff. But with this one, I think it's important to know who comes first. As for the to local elections in in England How people vote in local elections is quite nuanced. A range of considerations from uh You know, how much they dislike the the current national government, how much they dislike the previous national government. How much they think they will dislike the next national government. Potholes on their street, a war six thousand miles away, and where the candidates are promising to replace the local library and all its boring old books with a much more fun water slide. So it's quite hard to sort of interpret exactly what the nation thinks Politics. on on local elections. As I said, no parties uh have have really captured the public imagination. Several have untethered themselves completely from the public. uh imagination. So it's everything everything is Everything is in flux. No one knows quite what's no one knows quite what this country thinks. Politically, least of all, this country itself has no f uh who and what we are and why politically uh anymore. It's I mean the Labour less than two years since winning a a big majority in the general election. albeit only thanks to the weird mathematicals of the first part of the post system are facing ballot box obliteration and uh Key Storm was a s bizarr incompetent leadership. over these uh these last two years is under increasing i increasing threat. Um they've had a number of missteps Labor from that you know Peter Mandelson appointment. Uh various. Misstep is a is a fun noun for what you're describing? Well it's a misstep in the sense that you might sort of misstep off a cliff uh into a crocodile pit. Does that I mean that's it's still a misstep. But you wouldn't want people at your funeral describing it thus. That's that's a very fair point. Especially not since you chose it with some evidence of cocodil and cliff. Stuck with that decision. That's the important thing. You've got to show strength. It once you once you've decided to make a bad decision politically, you have to then have the strength even when it's obviously wrong. That's how politics works. Anyway, it's uh it it's not really worked out, uh uh for them reformers struggling with racist candidates, economic fantasies Nigel Farage taking five million pound gifts that he failed to declare. How are we struggling with racist candidates? Isn't that their whole deal? Well yes, I guess. They got so many. They can't even hold them all. The clubhouse is teeming. I'll fit them all in. Um it's uh yeah, it's I mean it's quite hard to be optimistic about the state of uh state of uh policy has been anti Semitism from Green Party candidates, uh conservatives are tainted by association with themselves. Um it's uh I mean it's basically interpreting the likely vote. It's basically gonna come down to the overall message being Could we please have the ancient Romans back? At least the roads were decent. Um that's could we put the British electoral system in rice? Oh that's a good idea. Turn it off and on again. And it will be a real boost for the rice industry. There you go. Maybe it's struggling 'cause of climate change. Yeah. What I could do with that. I am I am sad because all people s often care about in elections is potholes. And there's a guy, Mr. Pothole, Mark Morrell. twelve years he's been a professional, I guess. Hot hope. Guy agitator against potholes. Superhero. in this pothole sphere specifically and solely. And he's retired. We won't even have Champion anymore. The man who filled potholes with pot noodles in twenty twenty three. He did. And not just that, he drove a tank. Parliament Square. The campaign. And in doing so significantly damaged every road he crossed. It's a scam the man's perpetrating them himself. So maybe actually now he's retired, the issue might subside 'cause there won't be someone You know. Canning the pothole lobby. Uh potholes are a proud part of our uh o of our national national heritage. I mean that's um Stonehenge, I think began as I was just like marking out the outline of a pothole. And you know, that's really what we've been ever since. I mean also people always talk about potholes, you know, oh they're bad, but where else would we put our pots? Uh, in summary then, uh, it does look like uh the uh ballots Tomorrow will result in a resounding Mm-hmm. Uh. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh Uh the voting public. I am very worried about reform doing well. It does upset me massively. I think it's really rotten. I also think in the past when they've been elected to councils, um They haven't actually obviously done well. Um in doing anything, you know. Quite I remember in Thanet They didn't elect uh at the time Nigel Farage as an MP, but they did elect a full uh a full UKIP council, uh, which is the strategy of I won't let a fascist in parliament, but they can do the bins. Um It didn't work out well for them at all. And they've recently had quite a historic recent uh win in Cliftonville for the Greens. I know that, you know, obviously there's been some issues with the Green Party but obviously Zach Pelanski himself a Jewish man, a very cool guy, a very, very brave campaign that he's been waging against like All kinds of um horrific messaging from the other um political parties. I I would love to see the Green Party do well in general. I think that in general they are at the only party that's offering like a hopeful solution. And then I saw as well that like reform I like trying to troll the Green Party and Green Party voters by saying that they're gonna open migrant detention centres in green voting areas if they get in. Forgetting that. Ninety nine percent of people would much rather have migrant detention centres in their constituency than reform voters. And if there was a trade off, I would please, for the love of God, let this be possible. Um and I think it's like What is depressing to me is that their whole politics is the politics of spite, you know. Their whole politics is basically this will This'll trigger you. You know, a a complete like theatre of cruelty where people genuinely suffer. And like I I it could to me I'm like okay, if you're gonna put detention centres in a constituency near me, maybe we can then allow those people to become a part of our community. Maybe we can then visit those people. Maybe we can then Create. A more community based Uh way. to to help people, you know, and then that's when they'd be like, No, no, we didn't want you to enjoy it. We wanted you to be in pain. I think it's it's bleak and I I really, really do hope that we're surprised pleasantly that reform don't do as well. But Mm-hm You see some of the classics being pulled out. Uh just ahead of The Greens may be getting some votes. Um Like uh Polanski being called out for maybe not being a full member of the National Council of Hypnotherapy despite having claimed to be one. Escantado. If he's lying about that, what else is he lying about? The environment crumbling? Um this prick wanting to make things slightly better. It's a very uh it's it's a very woke way of looking at the world, trying to better. You know, it's got to be stopped. It's got to be stopped. Canada Horse News. Um Helen, you are the Bugles uh Horse infestation correspondent. Happy to be here. And um Uh the province of Alberta in Canada is uh which of course famous uh around the universe for having no rats, fought an anti rat war in the early nineteen fifties involving brutal suppression of rats show trials of the rat leaders and anti rat propaganda. But since then Alberta's been like most prominent fast food chains almost rat free. Uh but it is now dealing with an uncontrollable infestation of horses. several million, perhaps more, feral equines are rampaging Through the once peaceful landlocked Canadian province eating all the sugar lumps, holding unlicensed nighttime race meetings. And staring at people in that hoarsey way that can be so intimidating. Uh, what's what is Alberta doing to to deal with this. Well Andy They are talking about this. unacceptable quote level of feral horses. Uh, which might not be millions, might be two thousand. All right. Um so hard to tell these days. They're suggesting putting the horses up for adoption. U Administering contraception. Uh in order to control population, 'cause these horses love to fart. And uh there's a lot of people in Canada already uh dealing with the effects of forced adoptions and eugenic uh strategies via contraception. In the indigenous nations, and Alberta's like, Well worked on the humans, let's hors it T on the humans let's horse it is a lovely phrase. You have to give them that. Lovely and terrifying, Josie. Lovely and terrifying. And uh the Alberta government uh terms these horses to be not wildlife, but strays. Stray suggests that they're somewhere that they would have strayed from, but they're feral horses, so they've just strayed from like over there. In which case what else I mean, everything's a stray, isn't it, except a tree. Um An a stray tree is uh a a a boat, I guess. Um not in Alberta, it's landlocked, as you said. Yeah, good point. The uh the results of the of Alberta's annual Feral Horse Survey. not only showed record numbers of feral horses, but also that the horses are politically split. as never before, and are struggling for motivation in a changing world. Well the horses are just clearing up for Alberta's maybe separatism referendum that uh allegedly they have enough signatures to hold this autumn, but uh they have not yet verified whether those signatures are Real. Well it's very hard for the horses to complete the survey because every question they have to do one knock for yes and two for no. And that takes a long time, you know. Oh, it's a yes. It's so no. Every single question. And uh you'd be s surprised at some of the questions on that survey, I'll tell you that for me. Favorite apple? It's not even a yes, no question. Um I'll tell you something actually. I did have an infestation of horses. Oh my flat is very is really infested in in lots of different ways. And the problem with the infestation of the horses is you've got the sprays and the sprays do nothing. You spray the whole place. The the horses, I don't I don't know what they do, but they do nothing. And the worst part is you're lying in bed at night and outside the door you can just hear. But by the time you're up, you open the drawer, you turn on the light, you just say Yeah, listen. It's a very I I feel for uh the people of Canada 'cause it's a difficult impestation to And uh obviously Helen, you live in in neighbouring British Columbia. I mean you must be very concerned about Yeah, just yeah. Tones of feral horses. I mean turfed out of Alberta and uh ramp yeah, rampaging into into your neighbourhood in Vancouver. Yeah, I mean we got all those rat exiles. What next? Um, the Alberta government has issued uh a a guide for what to do if you come face to snout with a feral horse. They suggest that you don't say nice horsey, which wild horses find condescending. Don't say wind it in you overgrown donkey. That just rolls them up. Don't say free rangers always taster in my opinion. And certainly don't say you'd look much better with a jockey on you. But do say Would you like a job pulling a cart in my new costume drama set in the eighteen thirties? Oh. I'm neither going to lead you to water nor suggest what you should do when we get there. You're a wild horse. It's entirely up to you. And also one option to to come that wild horse down is to say, You do you. But might you consider doing it in Saskatchewan instead? So uh horses don't respect borders of Canadian states. But the rats do. Flying news now, and um well airline travel has been heavily impacted by the uh Iran war or Strop or Performative Endurance Conniption, or whatever it is now defined as Private air flight has been doing very well. It does seem that the ultra wealthy, for whatever reasons seem generally better at not being affected by global upheavals. No one knows why. Could be luck. could be that the ultra wealthy have slightly different DNA to regular humans, that makes them more immune to not being able to afford stuff. It could simply be that they pray harder and sacrifice better oxen to the gods. We don't know. probably never will, but global private jet flights in twenty twenty six are up almost five percent on the equivalent period. from last year, uh twenty twenty five. Um And uh this despite fuel costs uh going up, private aircraft users have uh determinedly, heroically even continued to support the private jet industry. Um so uh I guess that's a it's a good news story, isn't it? It's good news to come out of the i the Iran war that you know that that someone Someone's benefiting from it and um that that's that someone is Is private check companies. Yeah, I've I often find myself saying, Oh no, what about the super rich? Will they be okay? Please, somebody think of them. And uh I do think um Uh private aviation booming. I made airlines cancelling flights due to uh an entirely Infected horrific war. Um is a metaphor. uh for inequality in societal and climate collapse. many observers are describing as two on the nose. Um I mean the uh the private jet industry is one of the world's leading performers in the increasing environmentally damaging emissions into the atmosphere uh category. And I guess it's sort of understandable that the hyper rich would w would want to fly more because they're no longer allowed to blow cigar smoke into the faces of children because well, one, there are so few places you can smoke in public these days, and also because of the woke. So they've understandably sought an outlet via the less direct medium. poisonous gases into the faces of of all humanity. It's not as fun, but actually it is more more impactful. So um Yeah. And billionaires love fairness. Yeah. They do. Oxfam. released a report that stated that billionaires emit more carbon pollution in ninety minutes than the average person does in a lifetime. So they're really high achievers. Yeah. Optimizing. Yeah. They also, yeah, they the private jet industry, the emissions for from private jets equivalent to the emissions from the entire nation of Tanzania. So you've got to say to the people of Tanzania, you've got to up your game, guys. You liliate it here. You I don't know what you're doing with this beautiful mountain that you got, but you've got to light it on fire or something. You are lagging. Snooker news now and if you wanted uh any further proof that the world in twenty twenty six has become an extremely strange place. You just need to hear this headline. OnlyFans model interrupts World Snooker final to protest against BBC license fee but forgets to take her top off as planned. What Is there left for this stupidest century ever? to go. from here. I mean it does feel like the The entire millennium so far is almost encapsulated by that. By that headline. I mean this uh Protest from uh uh happened protest of of I don't know if you can call it that, but anyway, it happened in frame three of the first. It's so hard to get tickets to the world snooker final. Why would you do your your protest in Frame three and get out. Surely you'd wait till frame eight, the last frame of the session or do it. Yeah, and here's the thing. I think you've confused because you don't know what the what the website OnlyFans is. Oh, right. So you're assuming that she is a fan of Snooker. And I would argue that she probably isn't actually that much of a fan of the Snooker. Okay. Right. Um I mean OnlyFan when when I did my first Silo Adam R show. My first show. I had my only fan in one ticket cell. I was thinking about this because it does actually have debut Edinburgh hour vibe. Because in this because you've you've got the the sort of Crazed streaker. You've got an earlier on uh in the finals they had somebody shout out never forget the Ets theme files. And you have phones repeatedly going off. That is the full Edinburgh debut experience for the new uh the new um Enfant Terrible of Snooker. It's very exciting. But I would I would argue, I would say that the Crucible has been a really unpredictable venue. ever since it's been there, like ever since sixteen thirty eight when Goody Proctor sent her familiar to repeatedly pinch Abigail Williams. And you know it wasn't the Crucible wasn't an easy place to be. Um Does it count as a streak if someone is fully dressed. 'Cause the press is describing us as a streak, but she appears to be fully clothed. I just want to clarify the semantics. Aren't we all streaking all the time? Under our clothes. Yes. Yeah. Good point. I mean, luckily the intrusion happened in the first half of the first session on day one of the four sessions across two days final. So both players we're able to recover from the cosmic weirdness of an OnlyFans model interrupting the World Snooker final to protest against the B B C license fee, but forgetting to take a top off. plan. But whether that repressed trauma of the incident affected Sean Murphy in the deciding frame late on Monday night, when he made a crucial error that allowed the young Chinese star Wu Yazir to clinch the title with a sumptuous break of eighty five. Only Sean will know. Uh as you mentioned it followed another interruption in Wu Years a semi final against Mark Allen in the deciding frame. amid scenes of phenomenal snook attention. With the players tied at sixteen frames all. When Alan uh after Alan had missed a simple pot to win the match in the previous frame, when someone in the audience chose that moment to shout Never forget The Epstein files as yet I mean it's quite a weird Place and time. to shout that out. There's no proven link between the Epstein files. professional snooker. Uh I mean amongst the people who have been mentioning it. Well exactly. But with Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Peter Mandelson, Elon Musk, ex Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton all mentioned, none of them professional snooker players. Whereas Welsh nineteen eighty one World Snooker Championship runner up Doug Mountjoy, conspicuous by his absence. Along with the likes of Australian safety play specialist Eddie Charlton. And former world number eleven Dave Harold. None of them mentioned in the Epstein Fight. In fact, no professional snooker players were as far as we know, ever invited to play exhibition best of thirty five frame matches at any of Epstein's properties? I um I find it it all of this it's so surreal. It it's quite exciting to have such unpredictable interventions, you know, even for me, like With the OnlyFans streaker, you know, she comes out, she nobody pays their T V licence and I think, Oh Well I do, I don't agree with this. And you say, Fuck a B D C and I think, Oh, that's a bit much, you know, obviously I'm some complaints of the news department some does but I'm always like fuck the me fuck the snooker well I'm not interested in the snooker fuck everybody pick up Ronnie O'Sullivan She did put something for everyone in there you just had to listen Uh well thank you very much for listening to this week's uh this week's Bugle. We have a uh a week off next week. We'll put out a sub episode uh for you with pure unadulterated gold. Um and we'll be back in two weeks' time with uh Gundleman and Alice Fraser. Um Josie, anything to plug? Not at all, but I would like to ask the powers of divine creativity to give me some ideas if they're listening. But they are listening. Uh Alan. Uh well I have other podcasts. I have uh The Illusionist and Entertainment Show about how language works. And answer me this, uh the original podcast, uh don't fact check. Um returned. Definitely top three originals. Yeah, all right, top three. Don't fact check. Uh that has returned for round two. Uh is nearly twenty years old. And uh both uh Josie Long and Landy Zoltzman have been on it. So What more reason can you need to listen to it? I have one more show on my current uh Zalt Guys touring. Barry St Edmonds on Saturday, the ninth of May. Um, if you can't come to that then uh I'll probably do another tour within the next twenty years. Um, hopefully fairly early on in that twenty year period, but maybe within Eighteen months or so. Who knows? Anyway, thank you for listening. Uh until uh next time, goodbye.