Nineteen Sixty Six World Cup Puns

The Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world Hello, I am AndyZalzman. this is Bugle Sub episode four thousand three hundred eighty four A for all you're getting in this sub episode is Bugle World Cup Clips. Yes, this is a Bugle World Cup sub episode special. Producer Harry has been rifling through the archives to find some of our best Well cut related clips from previous pugilles spepecifically from times past when I gave more of a shit about football World Cups than I do now. So first up This is from our buugle Lve show at the Underbelly Festival in London in twenty eighteen. I was joined by Tiff Stevenson and Alice Fraser, those notorious World Cup fanatics as we discuss the World Cup Democratic rankings ahead of that year's tournament Now, as always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight It's going well correct, you are very well trained. In the bin This week we have a bugle, weekly World Cup supplements. just are you excited about the World Cup? Who here is from a country that has no team in the World Cup? Where are you from US say? Sck If you're wondering, how you gonna choose which team to support Well, no shouldnt it shouldn't just be as blind as that. You are a democracy loving nation. You should support the most democratic country in the World Cup, whichich according to the World Democracy Iex is currently Iceland who are ranked number two in the democracy rankings. The opening match pits Russia who are one hundred and thirty fifth out of the one hundred and sixty seven nations in the list. versus Saudi Arabia one hundred and fifty ninth equal, which I think might be the least democratic World Cup match in the history of the tournaments At least since the Soviet Union took on North Korea in the group state of nineteen sixty six, of course. But Group A, which features the hosts and the Saudis is the least democratic group, if you're looking for a group to be disgusted by on a moral level They average one hundred and eleventh in the W world Democracy index the fourteent and that's even with the With Uruguay, the independent Republic of T ten Man, Uruguay, as football fans know it, the They are the eighteenth most democratic nation in the world dragging the others up. And that is forty nine percent more undemocratic than the next most least democratic group. in the World Cup, which is group B, which raises the intriguing possibility of an Iran one hundred and fiftieth versus Saudi Arabia, one hundred fifty ninth Second round match, loveo a stat And on the good side from England's point of view, we are a democracy loving nation as well. And what greater motivation could our boys need? to overcome our recent disappointing tournament record and the fact that they know that the other three teams in Group G are way less democratic than we are. We have a moral right for humanity to win those games the UK or as it's known by large sections of the English media, England is is fourteenth in the democracy rankings, the bloody Scots and the Welsh and the Northern Irish dragging us down with a addiction to totalitarian despots, otherwise would be top. but We actually cannot face a less democratic nation than ourselves until a potential quarter final against Germany at which points We might have to del back into the historic rankings. Let jump back four years now to the twenty fourteen World Cup in Brazil. This is from issue two hundred and seventy one of the buugle. John Oliver join me as we fail to contain our excitement ahead of Brazil hosting the tournament For the first time in sixty four years. and thanks to the BBC, we were able to access some rare commentary from that previous World Cup in Brazil and the nineteen fifty World Cup England v USA Clash World Cup and worldld John, I will be reated Pter reporting live from the World Cup exclusively for the bugle from Saow Paula, well from London, just five thousand seven hundred miles r Sao Pao in Brazil, where in just one week's time the waiting will be over and the football can begin. As can the diving, time wasting, tactical negativity, shouting referees, bleating about referees and TV over analysis of referees. It's the World Cup, Joh The World Cup, life does not get any better than the one week before a World Cup for me the anticipation before the slightly disappointing reality of Nil Nil draws kicks in Smell of a wall chart Andy just unfold it, Blue tack the corners So dance as old as time in there. Yeah. Dance as old as well I don't know, Dancec probably only goes back to nineteen thirty in the first W. I don't know if' even had one. That's where time begins for me, Andy. Yeah That's certainly where time begins for Uruguay, I think. they won won the ten man Uruguay I did a kind of wel up prev for the Independent. I'll post the link on the Hellobulus. Twitter feed but it' just one week next Thursday. One week from today as we record, Brazil Croatia and the excitement is building like a Lego obsessed child. So many questions to answer can Brazil triumph on home soil. I really hope they do John because I was in India when India won the crricket World Cu on home soil and the nationwide frenzy of excitement almost woke Gandhy up Although my abiding memory of that joyous occasion was on the streets afterwards in which I was the victim of some quite horrific racial abuse when this car of young Indian lads pulled up alongside me just in the streets, wound down the window and shouted Go home white man And I thought, manan, that is That is so nineteen forties But then I remembered I was actually due to go home the following day so they could just have been from the airline. But if Brazil Do does win the World Cup on Home soil The bouning up and down could cause South America to flip North America into the air like a pancake. The continent shearing off at the Panama Canal, definite weak spot landing at a bit of a skew angle. in out in the Pacific. and I just hope they play well, John. I think that Brazil generally make or break a World Cup I hope they play with some flare Some of the old time Brazilian sides played football so beautiful, it made you want to dig up long dead relatives some very strong coffee into their f faces and shout, What are you doing being dead, you idiot? Wake up and watch this. Great to see you by the way. You look fucking terrible. Really fucking terrible. And are you still wearing that tatty old robe from the funeral parlour? It is filthy And then of course, next Saturday, I think it's England, Italy, Classic confrontation, Dante versus Shakespeare. Da Vinci versus former kids TV artist Tony Hart Pavarotti versus Kajagugu and Brunal Less's Duomo in Florence against the smashed up bus shelter on the A two hundred forty three. It is one of the all time great cultural classics The buildup has been slightly overshadowed by the controversy over the The revelation that the Qatarbid might have been rigged as revelations go awarding a World Cup to a country in a desert the size of East Anglia with a population, the size of East Anglia and slightly less interest in football than, for example East Ang. That was about a surprising a revelation as discovering that Captain Scott at some point said words to the effect, Yes, chaps, it is a little bit on the parky side. But to take you into the World Cup, we have been delving around in the BBC archives to the last time the World Cup was held In Brazil, that was back in nineteen fifty and it was a famous class job between my country, England and your country the USA in that World Cup. I don't know if there's been much talk of that in the American media recently in the city of Belo Horizonte, and I' managed it hold of the original BBC commentary from what was one of the greatest upsets in the history of worldld football that rather punctured. the assumed superiority of English football And these funny little American chaps who really is terribly good of them to turn up for the game. Up against the founding fathers of football, of course, England. lookook at their little faces the Americans so excited to be allowed out to play and when one can only applaud the spirit of sportsmanship which has driven them like lambs to the footballing slaughter, to come take the rightful Godd given punishment to be duly meted out by the greatest footballers In the W, Tom Finnish, Dan Mortonson Billy Wright, and we don't want to wagle it in people's faces. They' the great Stanley Matthews Not even playing today might keep the score in single figures. If we're being polite in the referee, looks likepect about to start the game has word with American players presumably apologising what' about to happen to them, put the whistle to his lips, said this could be tremendous f. There will be a lot of goals here. They will start flooding in for those ever so English boots this will be tremendously funny to watch thirty eight minutes later But still Nil Nill rather polite display by England so far, most considerateably allowing their American friends to enjoy the first half before putting them thoroughly in their place after half Tbo Fking hell America scored a fucking goal What the fuck was that? to that players have names? I didn't even consider it. Well, some little chance running off look are rather happy. go, well, I guess it's gott to be ten one instead of ten Nil. No bigiggie, No B biggie. Well, one in America In the ninetieth minute King hell England can do something. Learn to pass up po your useless pieces of shit. Kake the manage R, it's your fault your conf fault Rf. But that's it, I'm going to smash up a restaurant and urinateating a fountain back to London Let's have another bugle classic commentary now. This one comes from the nineteen fifty four World Cup And the final between West Germany and Hungary. Now time for the first in the Bugle cllassic World Cup commentaries And the BBC have very generously let us delve into their archives And this one comes from the nineteen fifty four World Cup final between Germany and Hungary And here were here, BBC commentator Dralston Crndling Germany two Hungar E two with six minutes remaining. Here come the Germans. They' all forced ar on. He shoots. Nouck it's gone in! Shit it! The fucking crowds are gonnain the worlducking c Both Sacks have lost half a fusking leg in the wall thanks to these guys. How much are these cheating fers paying over there? Well, if there's ever been an more obvious miscarriage of justice, I haven't seen it Jheust Bab Mconicals, I'm out heread. Now this classic commentary comes from nineteen ninety six. Mexico, quarterfinal England against Argentina, Diego, Maritona Minutes after punching the ball into the necket with one of the most impressive pieces of volleyball ever seen on a football pitch picked up the ball just inside his own half with a whole of the England team lined up in front of him Here's ITV's man on the mic at the time, Perneel Hinge Maradonna gets the ball now, the cheating little shit. What are you gonna do? Punch it in from the halfway line, you prick. He turns now King the Her! Ped Beardsley. Whack can you loser? Ped Hodge. What part of kick that bet of the balls are you struggling? Do you understand, Hodge? Ped Reed, Nail him!uc nail him. He's up to Fenneick now. Come on, Terry, putut him in a body bag . Shet's posting butcher as well. Itswing Terry. Just something to meat now. Take his heads on piz. I' give the of these schools. ruined! in. Ohold no it' in two now. Oh thats a tremendous goal by the little magician Lorurie McMene. Have you ever seen anything like that Is that do you say you're crying? I remember that's the first time I think I cried at sport. When Eland lost that. I remember I was think I was Eleven years old and weeppt soalt tears when Emam went out to miss that open goal header at the end She's only still got oc career on television. Is that right? Is that right Jumping forward from that cosmic injustice to twenty ten and the morning after Spain were crowned worldld Champions over the Netherlands, we had a bugle exclusive from Mark Van Bumel's World Cup diary Sports news now and it brings me no joy to say this, John, but since we last talked on the bugle The World Cups finished? No, no. And I don't believe that is true yet. Yeah. I'm afraid it is true and finished quite a long time ago now as well. and to be honest, it was pretty shit So att least the right team won John Spain. Yes. in after one of the most dirty football matches of modern vintage the final with Frankly reprehensible Dutch team. And leading the way for Holland, of course was the midfielder Mark Van Bommel And As always, in the aftermath of big sports events, books get rushed out. and I just b see the diary of Mark Van Bomel today and I thought I'll show you one of the entries. This is from just before the Dutcheam fle out to the World Cup. Great ye Today I woke up I excitedly looked in the mirror, but my hopes were swiftly dashed when I was still clearly Mark Van Bondy. I kicked my base and then raked my studs down the side of my bathtub. I then brushed my teeth with my new electronic toothbrush which I had specially made. It has a little replica football boot on the end, and when you switch it on the boot repeatedly kicks your teeth and gums until they're clean. H helped me pych up for the day ahead I went downstairs for breakfast, siding my two year old daughter down as I went before running away before my wife could tell me off I walked into the kitchen, elbowed the coffee machine right on its cappuccino proer had to hurt. Then poured some corn flake into a bowl put the bowl on the floor, then clattered into it from behind studubs raised, shattering the bowl and sending the cornf flakes flying all over the kitchen floor Yum, I said to myself, the perfect breakfast. Darling, I shouts to my wife. I'll just take the dog for a walk I wouldn't do that, replied my wife a little angrily. He snapped two Achilles tendons and did his knee ligaments after you walked him yesterday Come on I hit back. I was going for the ball Rver hobbled past me, growling. you, I muttered at him, surrepitiously treading with my full weight on his banded spr ale. I'm Mark Van Bommel Well, what a read. Very good read. veryer good read The Duts really werery incred aroundy. Paul and I were talking about it before and I think Just as as see Dan was the abiding memory of the previous World Cup. I think my abiding memory of the last World Cup final will be Javi Alonso getting kicked in the heart Kicked in the heart Unbeliev Oh that means I mean it's now It would have been twelve years by the time of the next World Cup final that they was lost a World Cup final in which someone didn't get kicked in the chest Yeah with Yeahah, hitt the chest with a bit of someone else that wasn't supposed to bring this. True World Cups have not always been kind to England football fans, but one of the greatest results in recent history was in twenty eighteen. Nish Kumar and James Nakkise joined me as we celebrated the unprecedented result South Korea too, Germany, Nil. World Cup news now and well it's caring o It's caring It's coming. Well, I mean we have seen one of the greatest greatest days in English football history ootic performance a result no one could quite believe. Unprecedented in the liverving memory of England's national game Jooby Nill, South Korea. It's coming.' U Germany an amazing World Cup record. They've been semi finalists in twelve of the last sixteen World Cups. Nist you know Last time Germany did not reach the last eight of a World Cup? I do. Yeah. nineteen thirty eight. they didn't take that well So let's hope times Times have changed. I like how we're all joking about that date. I not really joking about that? We're all slightly concerned England, meanwhile just last night roared to a brilliant one nil defeat by Celton. Laving us to be only Colombia in the next round and then Sweden or Switzerland not just an easier route to our glorious destiny in the first of between five and ten consecutive World Cup wins But also cleverly avoiding matches against teams which our tabloid press can dig up and trivialize and debase historic conflicts. I're going have to really go someere to find F much to get child about with Colombia. But before England's brilliant w def feeat to Belgium We'd hammered Canamal Six one I mean, take that canal waggling isus hugging. Hats obsessive cigar jumping bastards How about that coming, you ocean straddling losers Payback for being the location of the ill fated Darian scheme in the sixteen nineties that led to the near bankruptcy of Scotland, prompting the actct of Union in seventeen oh seven that formed the United Kingdom, which of course recently voted for Brexit. It's all your fult Panama. Vengeance is a dish, best served cold and unrelatedly G home and buy another vowel and think for a name for your capital city, your canal, or your hat that isn't just the same name as your country. There has been a lot of talk about how a lot of the no real team has stated has kind of put down a kind of marker of a performance. There are teams that have played well. But all I will say is Russia are doing well. and that's where I'll leave it. Russia are doing well The World Cup is in Russia, Russia are doing well. That's all I'm saying. Russia Doing well Say no more The World Cup is in Russia And Russia are doing well.s Nishkuma, Nishkuma Sena Nishkima Well, as discussed, Germany did suffer, It one of the most the biggest failures in their footballing history. And biggest failure in Russia, biggest failure inia. I mean they've got I guess a bit of check record in that part of the world. Imagine they've been playing in Lleven game. U Once again, we are very delighted to have access to the commentary from our colleagues on Deutsche teelevisioneinweister. who we what's? We' partnered within twenty fourteen, the German National TV channel. and H here are the closing moments as described, once again by the commentary team of the former German internationals, Torsten von Schnautz and Manfred Wittelchnitz This is Aatas national Manchftim that Fidenich w to triumph for Teutsche Winenichten Y Tch an Aazist world Cu haven't been a s shite Yeah man friend. Am Viiren I mean seconds left in the match and then come in aul and torture. Wlcome. in South Korea ha't I thought Pass was on go. Just I vot? And goal P Dutch For Sud Korea, Gutland Skorea nins. But the Souot corana, aven sticken Zip bowl In then backack one the A Shpe! Fuck like a fuck! I score and tryl to clim in w and shite Do el find the shite? Madel not inigl Aong A the shight and ex M A shite I'der enl to the final fin How about my look flout poen for the Talk not for another B Sight Bener fllambergastic G you shight Miss and best shite in the first Bel w England shight. O to our German colleagues Jesus good. Bitter bit of revenge, Andy. I love my job And finally, another one from our live run at the Underbelly Festival in twenty eighteen. Alice Fraser and Andrew Maxwell joined me. as I ran through some puns from the nineteen sixty six World Cup winning England squad Right, I think we I did have some half prepared puns on the nineteen sixty six World Cup team, but no, no they're not Okay, Batley, they'll keep I'm not going I't finish it.ll I'll it But anyyway. mate he was friends with all the ninety six six World Cup winners, or some of them in fact, given that I didn't finish writing this, but he was very superstitious. He very super he kept his money in locked vaults guarded by bronze sculptures of Medusa the snake head mythological ancient Greek petrifier in his ears. so he called them his Gorgon banks I like the shame in your eyes when you say ' them shame. Is it really shame? U Anyway, he came to me complaining one day that he'd been ripped off He said his car had broken down And his guard come to help him hadomed promised something to raise his car up so he could get underneath it And then a new device to put in the ignition and switch it on. And my m have given him two hundred ququid, but then he just gave him a cheap knock offff that didn't work. And I said, Well he sounds like a real Jackyl Charlatan. Jack Jackie Chlton, No. That's probably right now. Tryed to calm himself down, he went for a walk on some rather sparse hills near where he lived that were strewn with these strange giant jelly like deposits. the blobby M. Oh sorry. Anyway, they had these special there lots of lots of fences, they had special places to climb over them, been very artistically designed made out of these round chunks of wood that were supposed to be like the bishops from a chest set, but actually looked more like a man's, you know You know, thingy They were rather knobby styles I think that deserved a little bit more. J just a little bit more. He had a collection of metal models of his favourite film stars usedinoff seell as Capaldi, but then he dropped them and they fell under the wheels of a passing Lorry. Oh no, he said, My Tin Peters, My Tin Peters An anyway, Tony was the first man ever to cook a meal for three different US presidents, the first to use yellow finin tuna and a venice and casserole, and the first to run an entire professional kitchen without spoons That was a lot of chef first chehef first Anyway, and he liked to hide theaurus in trees in his local woods and then go out and find them and shoot them. He called it a Roger hunt Tough crd. Don't look embarrassed Andy. you deliberately asked for this extra time.d Tough crowd. This is now not extra time. This is penaltty But he kept in touch with the managers from both sides in fact, and he had a German friend who was so traumatised by his country's defeat that as a gesture of goodwill, my friend gave him a photo of two managers shaking hands off of the game in nineteen sixty six. Ah, that is very nice, his friend said. I will put it on ofall. Alfamzi picture. Alfamz Alframz picture But what he hadn't noticed was that the German manager actually had his flies undone. Amid all the excitement, he'd just unzipped his flies during extra time out of just accidentally. and the end of his plonker was clearly visible He had his helmet shown But I'm not even sure you need to know that I think that was quite good. I mean, that was technically Well, thank you for listening to this collection of football related bullshit. We will be back soon with a full buugle. If you want to join the buugle Voluntary subscription scheme to help keep our show free flourishing and independent for all future World Cups to come and everything else in between, go to the buuglepodcast. com and click the donate button