World Cup and closing remarks

Audi newspaper for a visual world Hello Buglers and welcome to issue four thousand three hundred and eighty two of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual worldld. I'm AndyZaltzan. it's the ninth of june twenty twenty six. The world is still turning as we record, As let me just check online. there's no confirmation either as to whether or not the world is turning anyway, but fingers crossed. If you're listening to this You won't be able to see me staring down the barrel of a camera when thinking how much podcasting has changed And in this new era of I remember when it was all field, I'm joined. By Sarah Baronan for the first time in nearly two years, Welcome back Chris Adison. Hello to both Hello and lovely to be back with you last. I havet been able to do the buugle for a couple of years, largely because I've been hosting its sister podcast The Bregl, the satirical podcast about sixteenth century Dutch peasant scenes. Sections going to block up the Dyike this week include Conor Smurf, how P is your hat What wagon, including a review of the new sporty five spoke cartwheel from Don Cvort and a column by Jeremy Clarkchun, calling for people to protest the new three mile an hour limit on intervillage mud tracks, and the lifestyle section including an interview with Holland's oldest man who tells us the secrets of liivving to thirty six All those sections blocking up the dight Well, it's good have you back on the. It's so nice Well I'm fine but I always despite, you know, as many times as I feel like I've been here, each one always a joy, I always forget that I should have like a little something You gave so much. All I have is when we last saw each other, it was winter ish I had a dog stillill have a dog Getting into the flow of it a little bit more big update is my mother, a famous animal hater, came to a visit, looked after her plot twist At the age of seventy nine, my mother thought that when a dog You have to wipe its ass. What? Yeah So she called me and she was like the dog. in my family, we call it a BM. PS, I'm gonna mention twice. Okay This is only the first. That's all right. Yeah We call it BM in my family. She goes, Sarah. T the BM And I have the I have the bag, but you didn't give me any wipes And I went, M, you don't you don't wipe a dog's butt. Like it just, it's like a self cleaning You did all your preparation and your writing, but my mom thought you had to wipe Dog bottom. Well, let me tell you, one of those things will be remembered by people and it involves a dog's bot Eactly. Isn't that fascinating? Every day's a school day. Isn't it? I mean, it depends what kind of school you go to, I guess BM stand for. Are you kidding me? Big movement. Bowel movement. What did you call this little kid a poop recall, I think we've probably called it fecal matter. the expulsion of fecal matter. We called it anFM We've gotite a formal family Anyway, moving on. it's u It's the ninth of june, twenty twenty six, meaning it is. ten years since it was two weeks before the Brexit referendum U believe that. a vote that was half prank. Half strop, half flounce, half cry for help, half Cydo Masachismo in democratic form, half nervous tick and nu percent mathematics It's also exactly a hundred years and one day Since architect Antonio Guddi died at the age of seventy three after coming off on the wrong side of a Cteron with a Barcelona tram He thus left his celebrity church the Sagrada famamiliar tantalizingly unfinished If he could have only clung on for another hundred years, he would have lived to see this Sagrada familiar Tantalizingly unfinished. ye. it's it's ten a while. Are they done yet? No,'re not done. still Well, I'm not sure it seems that they seems to be nearly done quite a lot of the time and then keep finding act. It's very old street roundabout. You know, that thing. It just never it never gets done. N Well I mean, now it is done, but I felt like it was like twenty se It never get done. I think if I recall correctly from my last visit to Barcelona, it's ne a shop that does really good Churros And so if I were working on that, I'd be in the cafe most of the time. I think that's basically the problem. That is I think that is definitely the problem. But it's still I think it's not in one hundred and fifty years now, which I mean that's even by medieval standards as a little bit. It's quuite possible that twice the Sagrada Familia's weight in Churos has been consumed by the various generations of building types who haveve worked on it. See the spires look some sort of churro us influenced As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week Following the political reaction to the tragic murder of Henry Novak in Southampton, a special edition of the new podcast series Do not do this under any circumstances. It's a special episode entitled All The Reasons You should N not hijack Someone else's devastating personersal traragedy for your own political benefit. It's a fifty seven hour programme. and please do listen if you are a political figure, struggling to get to grips with this important matter, especially if you are, for example, the leader of a political party in the UK that is currently heading the opinion polls, for another example The varking president of a North American failed state. Also in association with a free personal disimmprovement challenge There's a lot of stuff in the world about making yourselfves better. I think we need to focus more on making ourselves worse. So our disimprovement challenge this week is can you be as much of an ignorant jithead as Pete Heagsetith It's not going to be easy. meeting the challenge laid down by the American offense seecretary. But when you're trying to make yourself a worse human being, you have to set the bar as low as you can. and maybe if you really strive to find the very worst of yourself. Such. For the anti hero inside yourself, you could could compare the D day landings to today's global migration crisis in one of the crassest speeches ever to come out of a human mouth. Pete, I think you might have forgotten Who was fighting for what in that war? Read a book about it, what's the point? Anyway, that section is in the win topop story this week, Donald Trump is cross. I mean that's You know, we could have run with that as the top story pretty much every week for the last Over ten years, I would say. Just motivating. Yeah Emotion. Yes. He's particularly cross and he's not been a particly soothing millennium generally so far for the world, as is so often the case with millenniums these days And one of the prime cheese graters scraping at eyeballs of humanity has, of course been Donald Trump, the grand prrince of grievances and peevances The top two most easily errastable American presidents in history First and second in the list of White House occupants most like to use the power of the office to settle personal gripes and the act against the true interests of their nation and people. And he is cross. In particular, he got cross. with someone he hass not traditionally been crossed with, Benjamin I wouldn't trust me either, Netanyahu. He found himself in a telephone strop off in the middle of the night, I think with Netanyahu, the seventy six year old professional stumbling block. and in a potty mouth tirade, repeportedly, let's say definitely bark obscenities at Bennyets Apparently irritated by Netto's refusal to stop bombing this sh out of whatever he wants to bomb this shit out of. Report suggested, and who are we at the Bugle to deny any report the President of America said you are fucking crazy. And you'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving our ass. Everybody hates you now before realising he was on the phone to the Prime Minister of Israel and not talking to himself in the mirror like normal. I mean, this is This is this just what diplomacy is now, Sarah I think it is. I really like the idea also that Netanyahu would sort of do the old like, whoo is this and how did you get this number respond? Lbe doesn't seem to be someone who really leads with this sense of humor You're fucing crazy. I'm saving your ass Everybody hates you now It's a little vulgar for a sitting president, but it works really well as an additional verse for Don't You Want me baby Bb Netanyahu, who's my least favourite Bues musician. and the only world leader to be named after an eighteenth century pub frequented by young aristocratic hooligans who also happen to be keen anglers, the Net and Yahoo has made Donald Hussein Trump cross. To be honest, he's made a fair chunk of the residents of southern Beirut quite cross, but apparently it's Trump we have to worry about Over the years, it cururs me lads a number of things have called into question Trump's judgment, including hiding state secrets in the bathrooms at Mar Lago, the length, he ties his tie, and literally everything else he's ever done. But his presumption that he would be able to control Netanyahu is a new level of delusional, even by the standards of a man who genuinely thinks he's winning those games of golf Fair and sare. Game may recognise game, but it would seem that corrupt psychopath does not necessarily recognize corrupt psychopath. Trump's fundamental problem here is that he's essentially walking proof of the Kruger dunning effect. In other words, he's too stupid to realise how stupid he is. He believes America iss in a partnership with Israel, but in truth, Netanyahu and Trump are really the pinky and the brain of misconceived Middle Eastern conflict The George and Leny of wildly optimistic Islamophobic military adventures. It's hard to imagine that the much publicised telephone calls you mention and between the two in which Trump asks Netanyahu not to fire missiles at globally economically sensitive targets are any more than him going canan we not fire at Beirut, George? H George we can we? The only positive thing that can be said for this metaphor is the implication that at some point Netanyahu will feel obliged to take Trump out the back of the barn and put him out of his misery, or more accurately, put him out of our misery You know how like the reporting of the Watergate tapes left more to the imagination. by using the phrase ative deleted. Okay. So what if like for a post truth era Wouldn't it be fun to see ative inserted. Instead of the word saving in the line, I'm saving your ass I'm saving your ass. If I may say, I thought it was especially good in an authentic American accent. Yeah, yeah. you've gr better an ahicican acc. Pa apparently said what Are you doing amongst other things. Everybody hates Israel because of this and look, I'm I'm a very lapsed Jew, but a very practising Netanyahu skeptic. Um I mean Israel's position in the world? I mean we could talk about this for well for, I don't know, another six thousand years and I'm not if it would be adequately resolved But what the I mean, this isn and just in terms of what Trump said to Netanyahu Another in the long line of N not the most political pop kettle black moments, but more a shark calling a lion a really bad vegan. Other parts of the conversation were not published such as who each leader fancies for this month's US. Open Glf or the bit that they most enjoy about bombing schools O how many war Star Wars spinoffs there could theoretically be estimated at two hundred thirty one thousand currently or how only squares and dwves abide by international law or how neither of them really believes in Jesus, or how unlucky they both were to have Bibles from which the tenen commandments pages had been eaten by a dog. So it was What kind of standard boys will be boys, Chitcha I guess. Yeah. I mean, they'll have forgotten all about it by the morning And I guess it's nice that it was an actual phone call in this donate rather than just like WhatsApp messages or I'll Do eer of you have like male friends that're British? No gohead,lease please, completely I have spreadsheets. Yeah Yeah. yeah, you spreadsheets are friends And I was just wondering if you either, you' both respectfully and complimentarily. such betas And I'm just wondering if either of you have any male friends that you get aggressive with ever It would it would absolutely shock me if either of you did, but I thought Maybe worth asking No, I'm not sure I've ever. Sometimes have to really tell the cat not to do some things. That's about Boycat. Boycat, Yeahah. The girl cat. Ily don't care aggressive with try to get aggressive with inanimate objects. Yes, I think that the most frequent use of the C word in my life is addressed to something I just hit my head again. Yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah U No, not really. I don't think I'd get that aggressive Why? what are you saying? What's the point Do you think we should? Yeah. Are we missing out? we should.. Yeah. You should both go into like a rage cage. imagine. That should be the next podcast. You two in a rage cage? Andy' Altman's Rge cage. Oh my God Can you imagine? quite short. Very intense, like an espresso in other Trump drop news walked out of a meet the press interview After being challenged about his false claims about the rigging of the twenty twenty presidential election. I mean he's not letting that go. Bearing in mind that he's since won a different election. You think he might might just lighten up about it by now. what we Of course, we all know that The issue wasn't that that was brought up That's not the problem here. The problem was that it was raining. He was very angry about the rain And I think that's legit Like it' at the time of recording, it has rained most days this week I'm a lady with some sensitive hair Candy Same girl. Okaykay. So like I think I absolutely am worse off if it's raining. Right. And I think like he's allowed to be as well. Okay, that's an angle or not Do you think that justifies storming out of an interiew with the Yeah with the press. I really am interested in the person who made the decision to book an interview somewhere with a tin roof. Yeah. It was a crazy choice. It also led me to this line that is almost but not quite tot on a wet tin roof. Almost. Yeah, that works N enough. Donald Hussein Trump or as he's known by the staff at Morolago, Senor Kankls, the sentient Hindenburg, that walking answer to the age old question, what would happen if a bin bag full of yogghurt got Alzheimer's? A man whose tailor is the only one in New York who has to buy cloths by the hectare. A man whose nicknames include the camping Chairs nightmare, the Colossus of Toads Ten Gallon Twad and Edward Liverhands, a man who is the exact size and weight of a Brontosaurus' hemorrhoid. America's twwisted Bllock A man whose genitals have been officially designated part of Area fifty one because the federal government really don't want you finding out what's been happening down there isn't, as you say Andy, very happy. He absolutely did. He walked out unaided To the surprise and against the advice of medical professionals everywhere of an interview with NBC News in this barn after the interviewer Kristin Welker challenged him to provide evidence that the current Californian elections and the twenty twenty general election were in any way stolen. Let's be fair and take a psychologist's approach to this. If we look at the great American psychologist Leon Festinger's seminal nineteen fifties work on the concept of cognitive dissonance, we can see that for Trump, This exchange with Kristine Welker was a direct assault on his concrete perception of the world. and it was incredibly troubling for him on a deep psychological level when she asked him to provide evidence for his claims of electorual fraud. to look at her and have to consider after years of nobody presenting him any evidence to the contrary that maybe, just maybe there are women who aren't blonde Not only that But the not blonde woman was talking and asking questions. and those questions weren't could you leave this changing room or have you seen Geoffrey? He just did what any of us would have done in that circumstance, Andy, He rejected the evidence of his own eyes, walked out and bombed Iran. So we've all been there. We We've all been there. I like how she kept mentioning that like Ke him in She continuously referenced that she'd traveled all the way to Wisconsin It's like she knows he's not going to listen if she emphasizes the importance to democracy of elected leaders being held to account by the media, but he might feel sorry for her if he knows she had a ninety minute layover in Chicago So I mean, ye, Trump seems to been cross for well for quite a long time in particular. Um Well, the last, I don't know six, seven months. And I sort because the Iran war was pretty much a tantrum as much as anything else And I've come to conclusion that the reason he's in such a crank, it basically goes back to when the Supreme Court. ruled that his tariffs were illegal And this was the Supreme Court containing Judges that himself appoarded three of the judges that he himself had personally appointed. to do his bidding essentially voted against him. So it's the same level of anger. frustration, irritability as if You know, he had designed and built his own sex robot and that robot had then claimed to have a headache. this is what which is what he's dealing with. So yeah, and still once again, you know, not sort of reaching out spir of unity and conciliation to a divided nation, but I guess expecting Trumped come out and try and bring his people together now in twenty twenty six is like expecting a H una to improve its table manners. It's a nature is nature. no matter how many ometimes you try to train them to use cutlery and tuck their napkins in and wait for the meal to be cooked, they just wont won'tnd it Um Further irritating him is the fact that his attempt to have his name added to the title of the Kennedy Center has been rejected again by the courts have got involved. The courts The courts seem to be getting involved an awful lot. They've had to remove the Trump Trump from the branding of the Kennedy Center entirely clear what Trump and John F. Kennedy have in common anyway apart from the fact that Neer of them has said anything constructive since at least november nineteen sixty three. But why you put Trump on a on a What a cultural centre seems You know, you would have you know, the Beatrix Potter Foundation for Zomba slash a horror pornography or the Genghis Kan Memorial Snooker Hall or the Marary Curie Center for In Curiosity. It's Why have the Trump Trump on cultal center,' Mostly when he's putting his name on things, I feel like Trump, you know who after all looks like someone shave a St. Bernard and gave it a voucher for a tanning salon is simply marking his territory like a big dog, which means that putting his name on things is probably the least objectionable thing he could do. But on this occasion, I suspect that he wants to be named on the same things as John F. Kennedy for two reasons. Firstly, they share the same middle initial John F. Kennedy and Donald F. Trump. In Kennedy's case, it stood for Fitzgerald in Trump's, it doesn't. But the main reason I think is that Trump believes on some level that if he equates himself with JFK enough, can retroactively sleep with Marilyn Monroe What if we do a compromise? Okay, reename it the Robert F. Kennedy Center for the performing arts propagation of bat chick conspiracies and disposal of dead bears Yeah. Yeah. Maybe Trump will let this go as he's now focused on his big ballroom Although I think it's a failure of journalism that all White House press conferences aren't just variations on the question Wh I used to be preoccupied with big balls Thank you Thank you. I don't know how much personal say he had in this, but his administration is Set about dismantling an ocean monitoring system Um For reasons, I mean that I guess can only be sort of Yeah know, sort of anti woke Yeah Yeahah, this'ort a rather wokeal idea that it's good to know might happen with the climate in future and that we might planet it's going to A sort of cornerstone woke idea there, ide it people should be able to breathe oxygen and not be You know, have all their homes flooded, but yeah Yeah, it's not often that I agree with the Trump administration, but what you woke Lies and even the sleepy Lfties really haven't been able to answer is what this ocean monitoring system is actually doing. Do we really need a system? Andy that costs a third of a billion dollars a year to tell us what the conditions in the ocean are. I'll tell you what the coitions in the ocean are, It's cold and it's full of fish. You can have that for free. Sometimes it's less cold at the edges and the fish are a bit smaller and you can't snorkel around freely without running the risk of getting poked in the goggles by teenagers trying to get to sub aquatic third base. But by and large, it's cold And it's full of fish. In any case, we have a free ocean monitoring service, which we call old people. All you have to do is fund a bunch of seaside benches and mostly governments don't even have to fund those because they occur naturally in memory of Janice who love this view. They attract old people who stare at the sea all day. and if something important happens like Godzilla appears or Nigel Farraage falls in the sea whilst live Instagramming actual human beings drowning, they'll tell us. It's a completely foolproof system, except on Wednesdays when the bingo does two cars for the price of one and it's half off on curly fries between three and five. Britain news now and well we're about to get some very exciting new money, a range of British creatures. proudly British creatures given to us by God at the very start of British history some thirteen billion years ago We're going to'orwn Oh God given British bank notes. They're removing figures from history such as Winston Churchill and Jane Austin. And there's going to be a public vote to whittittle down eighteen nominated creatures to however many needed for the year for the banknotes that you know, you're talking curlws, bottlenose, dolphins, bumblebees, puffins U I've never heard anyone say puffing was quite such contempt before. The yeah, frogs. Barnwls that yeah. that some of the absolute Absolute goats of British, but not the goat, obviously I Many people are complaining about animals replacing great national figures on our banknotes. but I think it's important to remember we live in a cashless age. we don't most people don't use physical banknotes anymore, and people don't generally learn about the Second World War by gazing lovingly at Winston Churchill's face on a five pound note we you know, we'll listen to History podcast instead now. And you can still Also the thing is in this cashless world, you sort of have the choice now is to what historical figure is on your bank? So yeah, when I spend ten pounds on something now I can think about Jane Austin for a couple of seconds rather than actually having to look at Jane Austen's face. When I to spend twenty quid which has J W. Turner on. I just think about how would JMW have painted the thing that I'm currently paying for And also you you can choose your Your own national figure rather than having to accept you the Bank of England decided his flavor of the decade for their bank. So if you're not a Churchill fan you can just Use say Liz Truss on your mental bank notes instead. If you don't like Jane Austen Andy McNab. The Jane Austen of our times orr you can make up your own domination. So say if I spent one hundred and forty seven pounds on something I just imagine I'm paying for it using a banknote with picture of Rony O' Oullan slamming in the final black of a maximum break on it. And so actually it's democratizing What we can all imagine is on our money and You know, it's I guess taking that Yeah historically controversial figures I can't remember if Jane Austin starved, half the world to death or whatever, I forget I'll get me that we didn didt. So what I mean, Sarah, what's your?s It's very twe British to me. Like When I moved here, it was just broadly very confusing that none of your banknotes have a little symbol of a pyramid with an all seeing eye. Like how am I supposed to know what to covet as a Jew? Can I can I do my unbelievable joke? No, yeahah. I have a really amazing joke. You guys can do some banter when you're Done, okay H Well, Chris, well, Andy The sad thing is that fewer and fewer of us use banknotes these days. Any bird lovers who've gone cash free can still enjoy owl themed payments changing their pIin number to Two eight, two o. That was pretty good. that's a really Yeah I think sometimes my ideas might not be the best, but I really commit as a performer But but also no it was a great idea, creatfully delivered That's one of those ways, I wish I thought of that. Yeah was great. I did that a lot with my ideas. Is you're right? you're both right about the Casist society. It' this why it's s harder to rob banks now Everybody pays for things by phone, it's a lot harder to rob a million pounds from a bank when it's in phones rather than cash money. You can do the maths. One million pounds in fifty pound banknotes is twenty thousand banknotes. A fifty pound banknotes weighs precisely one point two seven grams, meaning that one million pounds in fifty pound notes is twenty five point four kilograms, which is only slightly over the recommended limit for an untrained human to k On the other hand, an iPhone seventeen Pro is two hundred and six grams, which means that assuming the bill has been split equally and each phone is paying fifty pounds, the weight of a million pounds is now just over four point one tons, which is the upper end of what a forklift truck is able to carry and that's without including the weight of the briefcase. At top speed, a forklift truck can go about fifteen miles an hour, but laden with four point one tons of iPhone seeen Plus a briefcase, it's more likely to be restricted to around eight miles an hour. A British police standard response vehicle tops out at about one hundred and twenty miles, probably even faster now that they're allowing those small policemen that you see about the place. That means that any police response vehicle is going to be able to go fifteen times faster than a forklift truck. If you think about it, this is why you very rarely see getaway forklifts. and even when you do, they're mostly on sitcoms, which are a different legal situation. Nobody has ever been arrested for a sitcom, not even misses Brown's boys. The maximum number of iPhone seventeen pros and untrained human is recommended to carry is one hundred twenty three Meaning that the upper end of what a bank robber can make off with in the modern era is six thousand one hundred and fifty pounds. And according to a time management study commissioned by the ancient Guild of Highwaymen, footpads, and Nerdoo wells, the game really isn't worth the candle. As a result, the number of bank robberies has plummeted with the unwelcome knock on effect of drastically depressing sales of pairs of tights Which means, and I can hardly believe that I get to say this, the bottom has dropped out of the laingerie market such whimsy The RSPCA has also said that The banknote should focus on less well loved animals, right? Yes. Including pigeons and rats , I'm not sure you Mind look patriotic point of view Pigeons have no place on our banknotes. They haveve shown absolutely no respect for this nation's great historical figures Judging by what they've done on the head of the stat of Winston Churchill in Parliament Square Rats Plueo in the fourteenth century, which brought untold devastation across the land, followed by social upheaval leading to the peasants revolt which set in trainer course of events. that led just a few hundred years later to the industrial revolution and increased urbanisation and a concentration of power and wealth in London, which led to the HS two rail line and one hundred fifty million pound tunnel for bats who were basically rats with wings on, but more so It's a conspiracy This goes right to the top The RSPCA wants these on our banknotes, no way In other British news, well, if you're under the age of sixteen and your favourite way of consuming the bugle is via eight second video chunks posted on social media with some emojis to help you know how to feel about what's being said. Bad news. You're not going to be able to do it anymore. The UK goovernment is set to ban young people from using Social media. It's been a bit controversial. some people say this is the right thing to other people. If you're in any doubt as to whether or not this is the right thing to do The headline just came up just before we started recording that the White House has urged the UK not to ban social media for under sixteen. So it looks like the goverment is absolutely one hundred twenty percent. to implement this ban. There's no there can be no more solid form of proof Haven't US businesses suffered enough? Open AI keeps losing valuable subscribers to suicide, and there's been a sharp downturn in private jet tourism to Epstein Island I was thinking as well, can we extend the band to over sixty fives as well Like your account gets deleted the second you try to post a mowkish poem or a fake news story about a local council banning Stain. George's flags in Nativity plays. I try to self police. so I only post nude photos of my son with an emoji over his deck Which is a shame boys because it is magnificent Hopefully, we'll see a return to teenagers slashing up cinema seats with flick knives after wigging out to hypnotic rock and roll beats I want to make a prediction that this will have zero effect on the number of young people signing up to trruth Social. Well and in the words of the Blues Brothers, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, sore eyes. Listen, I get it. Every government wants to have a little moral panic about something, rather, right? Computer games, video nasties, immigrants, you name it. But as with all of these things, the problem is that they've identified the issue and are now racing to do something about it without taking the time to research and test pot What a blanket social media band really needs is a pilot scheme, but who? who would submit themselves to such a scheme Me, I would. I'm begging you, Mr. Salma, please care Ban me from being on social media. Enactor in law, takeake precious time out of the already overfull parliamentary schedule to codify in the written statutes and practices of this land that I am legally no longer permitted to spend several hours a day scrolling through the Instagram stories of people I only follow back out of politeness who are relentlessly updating the world on the progress of their loft extension So that a non deadly electric charge is applied to something tender whenever I like a blue sky post about an opinion poll on changing attitudes towards Brexit. Clap me in cuffs and throw me in the cells if I comment on a Facebook hometown reminiscence group having an increasingly ill natured argument about the precise address of Jilly's Rockworld in Manchester in nineteen eighty seven. Please Mr. Starmer, I'm on my knes here. I had a family once. I think they're in the living room still. I'd love to see them again. help I mean, I guess the question in terms of the impact that it has on young people, the question is would we allow companies to implant a physical microchip in our children's brains so that they could scrape the contents of their innermost thoughts from every recess of their brain and turn their attention spans to mush And I guess the answer is Probably if we were distracted watching some amusing videos about cucumbers or if there was a twenty percent off advert for something Yeah. In the good oldays of course, we didn't need We didn't need technology for this. Yeah, we had You know, there were things in place to perform the function of psychologically Ruining children, you, boarding schools Organized religion U Yeah they the military world wars. but this is just yet another plank of our national heritage that we've outsourced to the tech giants. and I think it's Yeah, if we want to make Britain great again, we should get back to taking the responsibility of crushing our children's hopes and dreams ourselves Do we want to make Britain great again? Because the was really restricted These are a lot loose inough, right? Yeah. I mean I sweat a lot. I can't be making Bit great again. Wet Streeting, the former health secretary compared social media to smoking. It's less cool I think, smoke. I mean Bridget Bardo, smoking in and God created womoman, fair to say that. ennlivened a few lines back in the night. Brige Bardo posting a picture of an avocado on toast to our Instagram't It's not sure but works the same James Bond News now and the actor Idris Elber has said that global audiences would not go for a black actor as James Bond is after there was speculation that he could be the next James Bond I think I'd like to just challenge Idrress on that. He's not here to have this argument But I think global audiences would go for a Black James bond Just not one hundred percent of them and the percent who would not go for a Black James Bond will be gobby about it. I think that's the issue. It's not that the audience as a whole wouldn't? it's just that those who wouldn't would make sure everyone thought that they spoke for the entire The entire b said, Don't make Bond woke Bond to me is already a pioneer of woke. If you look at the baddies James Bond has taken down. overwhelmingly And I made a spreadsheet for this Well over ninety percent powerful white guys. You don't get you just don't get woker them that That's beautiful. I also like I kind of if I can say, I kind of get it. like It really takes you out of the moment when someone who doesn't exist looks different to how you imagined whst driving a Ganda La Hovercraft through Staint Mark's Square. And I'm not saying look, I'm not saying that James Bond producers are pandering to racists Oh fun. The latest casting rumors include Lawce Fox, Tommmy Robinson and some guy whose face is obscured by the hood of his white robe Its interesting isn it?cause it's one of those things that are big because they're big. It's only a cultural phenomenon because it's already a cultural phenomenon like the pope. Like exactly like the Catholic Church. In fact, Bond is very, very like the Catholic Church. It's been around since at least the nineteen sixties. The entire world gets very invested when the lead character changes. The costumes are spectacular and not unlike L seven himself, the Catholic Church is constantlyking women Football news now and the World Cup starts in well just over forty eight hours as we as we record U One person who won't be there is the Somalian referee Omar Artan who was denied entry to the USA. Dpite being one of FIFA's chosen referees for the tournament, various Iranian officials have not been allowed and the team itself is going to basically stay on the border and pop over into America for its matches. When this World Cup is set to be I think the most unsettling sporting event in history. I mean I know we had the nineteen thirty six Olympics, but I think The Artis had laid their cards on fairly firmly on the table before that. The world knew what it was getting into and it chose to just accept it because because it was nineteen thirty six. But this there's something deeply, deeply sinister about this is an American And I know you're a huge huge fan of football fan. Yeah. I don't here's how big of a football fan I am. Don't I did my research, I came prepared. I have a joke But I don't know what FIFA stands for I know the word football is in it and I know association is in it I like, um I like I always root for the South American. and by the way, this isn't about being American and therefore not caring about football. It's about raised by a man who didn't watch sport married to a man who doesn't want it. I just can't connect. I just like the South American teams. I like how they prayed to Jesus. I like when they come out And they pray to that Jesus. and I'm like, I'm with those boys because they're praying to Jesus. The bodies And I root for the underdog. So what you've said there is you like it's the underdog, the bodies and Jesus As a Jewish woman. Yeah. I'm going with my boxes I'll do my joke now. Okay, one of the beautiful things about the World Cup? She says after Googling World Cup, is that you see all these different races and nationalities presented on the pitch, which is a field and notice how little difference there is between them They all just look like humans, you guys in their prime. Silarly, when you see any international football team getting off a plane dressed in their smart suits, they all just look like rapists en route to a disco Who were you guys reading for? H It's difficult for me to care. Yeah Yeah. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, that's who you are. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. C I'm not curus out a win it O course hour would be good wouldn't it B time Oh Yes, I did read about Cza. Yeah that's because I've expanded it to forty eight nations. I think in an effort to make even more annoying than recent World Cups have been Also, I mean there's a few things they just announced actually the scores that are going to feature in this tournament Thf has said amongst the scorelines that will be appearing are one nill, two one won all and Nil Nil to do out for them. and also in an effort to improve fan behaviour They've announced that the goal will be made bigger in the second half for the teams whose supporters have been most polite to the referee in the first half that's. Nice There's a long tradition of countries at war with each other playing sports.,. This is not unusual this situation The Christmas Day footb match during the First Wld War, was the obvious one, isn't it?'s therow firing contest at Azen Corps, The game of Count the Zulus at Rok's Drift, V veryy tricky to do because they were moving quite fast at the time. It's a lot harder to see when you've got a spear in your eye. The Viet Cong, of course, managed to play hide and seek with the Americans for nineteen years without it ever being the Americans' turn to hide, a record unbeaten to this day A I feel that sporting aspect just adds a welcome bit of fun in a war to what can otherwise be quite a tense atmosphere. And that leads me to think that actually, perhaps if more wars lent into the sporting angle and away from the killing each other angle, they would be cheaper, faster and less likely to lead to badly put together history videos on YouTube. For example, there would be no need for China and Taiwan to go to war over the island if they just agreed to sort it out with the best of three T twenty series Maybe war should be being sportified entirely. Once every four years, all the nations of the Earth could meet in a knockout tournament featuring a different sport every time. one year swing ball, the next two hundred meter freestyle, the next slapseies. Winner takes control of the global trade in rare earth metals, but also has to host Eurovision Yes. Well yeah, we had a sketch in the department over twenty years ago about. how wars should be show knockouts knockout based. Every time I write something like that I think we must have done. Just before we go some World Cup facts for those of you ticking down the hours until the tournament begins If the Uruguayan team that won the first World Cup in nineteen thirty played against a team from this edition of the tournament, they wouldn't be able to match the fitness and athleticism of their modern day counterparts because they're all dead. Although a brilliant team in their day winning the Olympic football gold in nineteen twenty eight back when it still meant something, their being dead would be an insurmountable barrier to competing with the twenty first century super athletes and their hyper prescriptively organizational coaches disappointing for those wanting to see a good contest. Wellorld Cup factact number two, the first ever official Wld Cup song. Any of you know this nineteen fifty eight Peggy Lee hopefully fans of You you give me FIFA? Oh, FIFA Oh F Yes. Brazilian superstar Pelle sadly won't be playing at this World Cup having died in twenty twenty two at the age of eighty two. He probably wouldn't have been picked anyway because the Brazilian coach Carlo Angelotti is known to favour players under the age of seventy eight Britain s England, did not enter the first three World Cups, safe in the knowledge that no one would ever be as good at football as the mightighty three lions. They would have won every World Cup since if it wasn't for the referees. fact Spain's nineteen eighty six cent forord Emilo Butuania was known as the Vulture. People assume this was because of his predatory goal scoring instincts in the penalty box But in fact it was due to his training regime, which involved climbing up the rock faces of mountains and canyons, looking down from the top until he saw a dead animal somewhere, then sprinting back down and eating the carrion raw. He attributed his acceleration to the upward scramble and his nimble footwork to the downward scuttle If the nineteen eighty two Italian Glden boot win A Paolo Rossie had been British, he'd have been called Paul Ross and would have been shit at football. There were no World Cups between the year ten thousand BC and nineteen twenty nine. thenen since nineteen thirty There will have been twenty three assuming that the one that's due to start on Thursday isn't cancelled at the last minute. If the rate of World Cups continues increasing at that rate, by the year twenty one hundred, there willll be one World Cup every eight minutes and thirteen seconds and two thousand six hundred national teams will qualify for every edition of the tournament. No one knows if there were World Cups before ten thousand BC because the historical record iss very sketchy. They found some cups that might have been commemorative world Cup memorabilia, but the branding has worn off over time, so it's impossible to know. Cave painting suggests, however, that before then people were more into bison watching than football anyway. Hungary really should have beaten West Germany in the nineteen fifty four World Cup final, and that still annoys me at the age of fifty one, seventy two years later. Argentina's Diego Maradona famously slapped the ball into the goal with his naughty hand in the World Cup quarter fininal of nineteen eighty six in Mexico against England, somehow jumping above the England goalkeeper Peter Shilton. But new AI technology has shown that if the five foot four inch twinkle footed Argentinian wizard had not handballed the ball into England's goal, Shilton's punch would have connected with the football so hard that in the thin, altitudinous Mexico city air it would have flown length of the pitch into the Argentinineian goal at the other end, giving England a one' lead which then would have opened the floodgates as a hodel inspired England romp to a five nil win before thrashing Belgum forward in the semifinal and roasting West Germany eight nil in the final. for f's sake. And finally, in a new scheme to promote both sports, the winners of this year's Footballorld Cup will be the winners of the Iran warar in a hybrid half football, half warfare crossover event to decide the ultimate twenty twenty six World Champions Those your well cut facts more as the tournament progresses over the next, however many weeks it's going to take. I'm excited Are you excited? Yeah, yeah yeah. I'm gonna go 'cause Jeff and like my son and my husband are not interested, but I'm gonna like go on my own to the pub and watch it. It's just such an interesting bit of your culture it's how it meets the culture over there that's going to be a fascinating part of it. Yeah. I just feel like because it's it's It's a tournament being hosted by three countries two of him really don't like the other one at the moment. is going to be the Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf of World Cups in many ways Well also, I mean, Trump got booed at the basketball last night and the New York Nicks. Well he's doing his best. Yeah ame game three of the NBA final series. He was when he came up on the big screen during the National anthem stopp singing the National Anthem to U T Boin And look, I know we shouldn't read too much into it. I know just because he's being boe because of everything he's said and done at a time when his approval rating is slightly higher with the Americans than the Donic Kab industry's approval rating is with the sheep community. It doesn't necessarily mean he's He's unpopular. but The Kicks had been on a thirteen game winning streak He turned up at their game and they issed their own rebuke to the President by losing U So they lose they did lose. Yeah. I love when he gets like hated in New York. I think it really fucking bothers him. It's the one place he really genuinely wants accept. Exactly, and he won't get it there and that's just a little tiny something. Let us cling to that little shred of hope Criy A of a catchrase, aren't it There we go. Well, that concludes this week's bugle. Next week we have Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard joining us here once again in in London. Sarah, anything to plug I'm Sarah Spot Sara Baron, like Trump, Baron Tump's spare. I mean it's findind me on the socials and I'm doing a Oh I thought you were handing me a drink. and I'm doing a web series called Mother Sluts So I see a lot of crossover between your audience and mine. But actually I do. actuallyually I do. So Mother Sluts and Sarah Baron, thank you Chropher? Yeah, the problems is coming up. I have no involvement in it, but there's some really good stuff on you should have a look One plug from me and I'm going to call upon your good natured souls buuglers. A friend of mine has a daughter called Amelia who is four, who suffered a major stroke, which has left her unable to walk And they are having to raise a huge amount of money to adapt their homes This friend of mine will, I owe a great debt to. he indeed is a bugler and in the early years of the buugle, he was working at the Crickic info website. you listen to me banging on about cricket. Contact me to ask her if I'd like to write a column for them and my entire cricket media career has come from that. So I am asking you to help Will and Emilia and their family. The fundraising site and they're trying to raise seventy five thousand pounds to adapt their home is helpmilia. com that's Emilia E Mi L I A I'll talk about it a little more in coming weeks, but whatever you can do to help Will and his family, both he and I would be hugely grateful. That's it. Until next week